Leslie Cane Articles

Fair warning. What you read in this article might (at least initially) make you angrier at your husband and /or make you feel worse about your relationship. But, please bear with me because knowing the truth is what can eventually save it. I would ask that after you read the article, you take the time to pause a bit and allow what it contains the time to sink in. After you do this, you’ll likely understand where I’m trying to go with this and that ultimately, I’m trying to tell the truth as I know it to help you save or re-obtain your marriage or your relationship.

Why Husbands / Men Leave Or Want A Divorce: In the most simple terms, (which is, of course, oversimplifying it a bit), men quit contributing to or check out of a relationship when they feel it’s more beneficial to them to leave than to stay. Many stressors are both a symptom of or contributive to this (money issues, stress, infidelity, etc.), but in the end, if they are honest, the husband generally feels that the formula that used to be the magic in the relationship is now gone and can’t be reestablished.

What Men Really Want (And What Those Who Leave Feel They Aren’t Getting): To really understand why men leave or seek a divorce, you first have to understand what men ultimately want. I mean no disrespect to men or women when I say this. Some men are going to disagree with me on this and that’s ok. This is only my observation and experience. But, I believe there are three things that men really want (I call these the three A’s to make them easier to remember). These are attention, appreciation, and admiration.

On the surface, these are pretty self-explanatory. In very simple terms, men want to feel like they are your protector, problem solver, provider, lover, and soul mate all rolled into one. In a nutshell, men want to make women happy. In turn, they want us to reciprocate and confirm that they do their job very well. Husbands don’t ever want to think that you love your job or your friends more than you love them.

Men want to feel that you not only “get them,” but that you also really adore, admire, and appreciate this intimate knowledge of them. Men want to feel like they deserve to be the center of your world because they do such a good job taking care of us.

And, if you start to back off on these three As, then husbands take this very personally and feel like somehow, it’s them who has failed or let you down since you are no longer reciprocating. Men hate this feeling and they want to run from it as fast as they can.

When my husband first asked for a divorce and I was doing absolutely everything I could do to “read between the lines” to come up with the “real reason” he wanted out. Finally, a very frustrated friend of mine blurted out, “Face it, he’s just not that into you anymore.”

Although devastating, I accepted this to be true. Knowing what I know now, I realize this was wrong. The truth was, he didn’t think I was that into him anymore so in response, he was then not that into me. Because I was smack in the middle of job demands and grad school, I wrongly believed I no longer had the time to give him the attention, appreciation and admiration men crave. ( I assumed he knew that I wanted to and would pick this back up when school was over, but I was wrong about this too). This was a huge mistake on my part, but thankfully I was eventually able to rectify this.

Men don’t cheat or leave because another woman or another situation is more attractive than you are (contrary to what you might be told) or led to believe. I firmly believe that men cheat or leave because they think the other person or situation is going to give them more of what they want (although they often learn they are wrong about this.)

How To Use This Knowledge To Your Advantage and Save / Preserve / Revitalize Your Marriage: If you’ve stuck with me this far, you might be thinking something like, well, then if that’s what my husband really wants, that just makes him selfish. Doesn’t he know I too have a job, kids, demands, etc? This is a very fair reaction to which you are entitled. But, try to see things from your husband’s point of view. At everyone’s deep down core, we all just want to be loved and appreciated. One day, one of my husband’s friend told me, “In the end, he only wants you to look at him with big, adoring eyes again.” This changed my whole course of action.

Like I did, use this knowledge to your advantage. If you want to save your marriage and you’re in a situation where you can begin to give the three As back to your husband (with it being genuine, and not fake or game playing) then simply do it in a sincere but calculated manner.

If you’re already headed for or in the middle of a divorce because your husband wants this, then this will be harder to do, but it can be done. Ultimately, to save your marriage (when you’re the only one who wants to) you need to do three things:

1) You need to get the situation to a place where it can be non-confrontational and open. This might require you to stop asking your husband repeated questions, badgering, begging, texting, etc.,)

2) You need to show your husband that you can be the same happy, stable, attractive and lovable person who first caught his eye – not the resentful, scared, busy and preoccupied one he may now perceive you to be;

3) Once you have 1 and 2 of this equation, you then need to (very slowly and as your situation allows) begin to provide your husband with the three A’s discussed in this article.

I was eventually able to do this (though I made a lot of unnecessary mistakes along the way). The key is patience, and an open heart combined with a calculated plan. You can read my story by clicking here or visiting my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com