Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many wives who never wanted to separate are looking for a crack in the wall where their separation is concerned. What I mean by that is because they don’t want to be separated and are terrified of getting a divorce, they’re looking for a crack somewhere that they can exploit to change their separated husband’s mind. 

And one crack that they might try to use is guilt. Typically, their husband is the one who wanted the separation or divorce. He’s the one who is considering ruining their family. He is the one who is going to put an end to the marital dream and to the way of life that you’ve shared. Shouldn’t he feel guilty about this? Shouldn’t he reconsider altering your life in this way?

A wife can certainly have all these thoughts and might say: “Do separated husbands ever feel guilty when they want a separation and potentially a divorce? Because my husband doesn’t seem to, but he certainly should. Out of the blue, he decided he wanted a separation, but I honestly think he really wants a divorce. As soon as he moved out, he truly cut me off. I try to talk to him, text him, or whatever communication he will accept. He rarely responds.”

“When I ask him what I did that was so wrong, he tells me that I did nothing wrong. Which is true. I didn’t do anything. But that doesn’t seem to matter. He seems to go out every night and post on social media like he is having the absolute time of his life. Meanwhile, I feel like I’m losing everything. My life will never be the same. My husband has been my best friend since we were children. I confide in him. I depend on him. I have built my entire life around him. And it is like he can toss me aside with no second thought. “

 “I recently had to attend a very sad event alone. It was the type of thing you’d think that someone who cares about me would want to attend in order to support me. But he gave it no thought. I find myself wondering if he feels guilty about any of this. Could he? If not, can I make him feel guilty so that he will slow down this process? I feel like I will be divorced before I know it and he doesn’t care.”

The Question of Guilt:  When many of us consider guilt, we think about how we might feel if the roles were reversed. If I pulled the rug out from under my husband, I would feel empty and terrible. And yet, he did the same to me, and there was a time when he seemingly didn’t care in the least.

Why? Because he didn’t want to feel negative feelings at the time. Our entire separation was about escaping negative feelings. So he wasn’t going to welcome negative feelings into his life at that time. And my trying to force them was a mistake, although I didn’t realize it at the time. 

The reason is that if you force a man who is trying to escape negative feelings to feel them, then he’ll likely want to escape you or minimize your impact. So you are only making things worse for yourself.

That doesn’t mean he doesn’t feel guilt somewhere deep in his heart. He might, but he is likely doing everything in his power to quiet that feeling because he is trying to live a new life, and dwelling on the negative feelings might, at least in his eyes, be taking a step back. 

How to Proceed When it Feels Like Your Hands are Tied:  If it’s detrimental to force him to feel negative emotions, what are your options? Well, first and foremost, you are trying to avoid making things worse. You can accept that things aren’t great right now, but that doesn’t mean they won’t eventually change.

Separated men can and do change their perceptions with the passage of time. Going out all the time gets old as the novelty wears off. The reality of potentially losing your family sinks in. The weight of ending your marriage finally hits you.

Don’t circumvent those possibilities by forcing your hand. Instead, try to maintain as pleasant a relationship as you can. I know that I am asking much of you when I say that. This does require a great deal of patience. I had to sit on my own hands at times in order to be patient and wait it out. You may have to distract yourself from other things.

And I’m not implying that you should pretend your husband doesn’t exist for now. I’d never suggest that. I’m just saying if you reach out and he doesn’t respond in the way that you want, doesn’t push. Give it a minute. You can regularly reach out in a positive way, but don’t dictate that he must respond in any set way.

If you aren’t pushing or expressing disapproval, he will have less reason to avoid you. He will have less of a reason to associate you with negative feelings. There is less pressure, so there is less of a need for him to step back.

In the meantime, take great care of yourself. Realize that you matter every bit as much as anyone else. Your opinions, wishes, perceptions, and well-being matter every bit as much as his do. So give yourself every bit as much attention and care as you are giving him. 

I had to have patience while I waited for my own husband to come to his senses during our own separation.  Because of my impatience, I made mistakes that almost cost me my marriage, but I eventually got it together.  You can read about how I finally got things to go my way at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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