Can I Fix My Marriage By Moving?
By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from people who feel as if they need to make some pretty drastic changes in order to save their marriage. Sometimes, they want to change what they feel is the stimulus or situation that is causing the problems in their marriage in the first place. And, there are times when that problem is perceived to be where the couple lives.
I might hear a comment like: “my husband and I are really struggling in our marriage. He has mentioned getting a separation or a divorce countless times. I am starting to think that it would really help us if we moved. Right now, we are living in his parents’ basement. I cringe when I write this because never in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine that we would live with either of our parents. My husband lost his job a couple of years ago and although he is working now, we never really got back on our financial feet. We lost our home as a result of that and we are trying to buy a new one. So, in order to save money for a decent down payment, we are living with his parents. This causes all sorts of stress between us. His mother treats us both like children and is always inserting herself into our lives and in our marriage. She insults me right in front of my husband and he doesn’t do anything about it. And, his ex girlfriend is his sister’s best friend. And she is always over here. Sometimes, I pick up extra shifts at work because I am trying to build our savings faster. But when I am at work and I know that my husband is here with her, I always feel uneasy about it. I trust my husband, but I don’t trust her. We fight more than we ever have. I feel as if our marriage is in big trouble at this point. And I feel that in order to save our marriage, my husband and I need to move. Yes, we will have to spend the money that we are currently saving since this means that owning our home is going to take far longer. But at this point, I’d rather rent a home and remain married than face a separation or a divorce and live with his family. Would moving potentially save our marriage?”
No one can really answer this question for sure except for this couple and allowing some time to see what is going to happen. But often, when your marriage is struggling under some sort of stressor, removing that stressor can sometimes improve things dramatically. With that said, sometimes when you remove some stressor, you have to knowingly trade one source of stress for another. That could be possible in this situation. Yes, this couple would no longer be living with someone’s parents while constantly seeing an old girlfriend. And, this was likely to improve both their stress levels and their marriage. But, they would be introducing the additional stressor of struggling financially. And only they knew if this stressor was going to be easier for their marriage to handle than the one that they were handling right now.
I suspected that the wife would rather struggle with money than struggle with additional women in her husband’s life and I didn’t blame her. I think that I too would rather have less money but move privacy and more of an opportunity to live freely as a married couple. However, it’s important to understand that just changing your location doesn’t always change or save your marriage. Unless both people are in complete agreement about moving, there can always be some leftover resentment. If the husband didn’t want to leave and the wife forced his hand, then he might always be angry when money was now tight because they were having to pay rent. The point is, there’s not always a perfect solution when you are knowingly trading one stressor for another.
But sometimes, if you are able to do this very consciously, and you know your spouse and your marriage, then you already have a good idea of what your marriage can shoulder and what it can not. With this said, the conflict never really leaves. Sure, you won’t be faced with it every day and there will be some relief in that. But by moving, this couple weren’t getting rid of the conflict with the husband’s mother. It would still likely come up when they spent time together. But at least it would no longer be coming up on a daily basis.
So to answer the question posed, I couldn’t predict whether moving would save this couple’s marriage. But it seemed clear that it would lessen the daily stress. This could be a positive change, as long as they understood that they would be replacing the conflict with their extended family with a potential financial conflict. As long as they were willing to keep communicating, negotiating, and compromising, then this might have been a trade worth making.
Continuous stress can definitely put a strain on your marriage. Looking back, I believe that if my husband and I had reduced some of our stress, we may not have separated in the first place. If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com
Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
