Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: There are really three outcomes for a marriage that endures a trial or marital separation. (And I’m not talking about the kind of separation where one spouse is required to travel for work or school. I’m talking about the type of separation where the marriage is in trouble so the couple choses to live apart.) The separation can end or severely damage the marriage. The separation can save the marriage. Or, the separation can leave it virtually unchanged.

I sometimes hear from people who want to know which effect a separation might have on their marriage. So, I might get a comment like: “I am really worried about my marriage. Every time my spouse and I are together, we fight. I suppose that I could blame a lot of our problems on stress because of the economy, but that really doesn’t tell the whole story. Frankly, we have just grown apart. Every little thing I do seems to annoy my husband and vice versa. Sometimes, I feel as if he is actually looking for things that he can become angry about. It’s as if he’s constantly on the search for some flaw that he thinks that he can point out where I am concerned. One of my coworkers suggested separating. She said that a trial separation actually saved her marriage because it allowed her husband to see that he had been taking her for granted and not treating her well. Would a separation work for me? Do separations really save marriages?”

My response may surprise you, at least a little. I often write about how I was able to save my marriage even through a separation. But I am very clear on the fact that it most certainly wasn’t the separation that saved our marriage. In fact, there were many times where I thought that the separation was actually going to end our marriage.

However, I suppose what the separation did do for me was to force change. Sometimes, you get so complacent in your life, in your marriage, and in your habits that it takes some sort of drastic stimulus to see where you might be wrong or where you may have to initiate change immediately. I will admit that the separation scared me into acting. And quite frankly, had my marriage not been at risk, I may not have ever gotten serious about making those changes because I would not have been forced to do so.

But, I think that if you can very consciously set it up so that you are going to make these types of changes without needing to bring about the risk that a separation entails, then this is really the very best case scenario. Because here is something that people often do not realize. Yes, you can separate, miss your spouse, and then convince him that you are both miserable while separated and should get back together immediately. Often, when this happens, people convince themselves that the separation in fact saved their marriage.

But what they often do not consider is that nothing has changed. At least not really. So when those same issues come up again (and they almost always do) then you are going to struggle with the same old problems. Sure, your spouse may not act on those problems at first because the separation has scared him into not making waves. But generally speaking, people will only be frustrated and dissatisfied for so long until they feel that they just can’t take it anymore and need to make some change or take some action.

It’s important to understand that this could go another way. What if you used the separation as a way to really examine the issues that were troubling your marriage and fix them? Then, when you come together, you will have the confidence that your marriage is actually going to make it. And, when those problems do come up again, they won’t stress or end your marriage, they might actually strengthen it.

So, as might already be obvious, my answer to the question as to whether or not a separation can save your marriage is, ‘it depends.’ But, I’m not sure that this is worth the risk. Because make no mistake about it, separations can begin the process os saving a marriage, but they can also end it. So my preferred way to go here would be to make the changes that the separation might force without actually taking on the risk of a separation. You can pretend that a separation or divorce is imminent and remind yourself that you must take action or risk your marriage.

Because in my mind, I firmly believe that it is the change in perspective that brings about real change that saves marriages. It is not the separation itself. And frankly, you can change your perspective and you can make changes to your marriage without needing to separate.

So yes, my marriage was saved after a martial separation, but I don’t think that the separation saved it.  I think that the separation forced the changes that saved it.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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