How Can You Work on Yourself During Your Separation When Your Husband’s Receptiveness Waxes and Wane or He’s Hot and Cold?

By: Leslie Cane: Many wives who read my articles know that I believe one of the best ways you can help yourself during your marital separation is to make the time work for you by working on yourself.

By that, I mean practicing extreme self-care and doing the things that make you happy, help you grow, or allow you relief in some way. How this practice looks is going to vary from person to person because we are all different.

Just to give you an example for myself, I journaled, worked out, took some classes, reconnected with friends, and immersed myself in things in which my husband just would not have been interested. And I’m going to be honest. I only did these things when I was forced to initially. I only relented once my husband made it clear that he wasn’t going to make time for me right then.

So I reluctantly started self-care without much enthusiasm, but I persisted because I had so much time on my hands and I was trying to fight off boredom and isolation. 

And it was a good thing I did because I think it made my husband respect me a little more, and it forced the space and break that needed to happen for my husband to become interested again.

This said, I’ve had people ask me how in the world you’re supposed to do this when your husband’s interest waxes and wanes.  

Someone might say something like this: “I am only making a show of working on myself, to be honest. I come home from work, and I just don’t have much energy or patience for anything or anyone else. I don’t want people to see me like this. So when my husband is not receptive to me, I just go inward and isolate myself.”

“However, there will also be times when my husband will show the slightest interest in me, and then my energy levels will go up, and at that time, I am somewhat able to put some effort into self-improvement for a short while. However, when I feel him pull away, the cycle starts over again.”

” I think I’ve actually convinced him that I am working on myself – which is good – but it’s not really true. I’m only working on myself part-time and I know that isn’t ideal. I know that I need to do better and actually make some changes. How can I work on myself when my husband is so wishy-washy and his interest waxes and wanes?”

This is a very valid question, and don’t be fooled. I struggled with this too. Below, I’ll share some things that helped me tackle this.

Ask Friends or Family Members to Hold You Accountable: I’m the first to admit how lucky I was that I had friends, coworkers, and family members who just weren’t willing to allow me to beg off. 

And when I would try to beg off, I would sometimes ask people to keep calling me despite my unwillingness to get with the program. 

If you don’t have a support system who just won’t let you go, ask your people to keep asking you to join them even if you tell them that you don’t want to. Everyone knows that getting out of the house is good for you, so ask them to keep right on asking even when you try to say no.

Spend Some Money or Commit Some Time: I don’t have any problem admitting that I’m pretty cheap – or frugal – if that is a nicer way to say it. And I was particularly cheap during my separation because I was afraid that I would soon be supporting myself.

So paying for classes was a splurge for me. Paying for a gym was a luxury that a relative gifted me with. Thankfully, I wasn’t about to waste my money or theirs on a regular basis, and this helped keep me on track.

So when I was tempted to skip out on something, I would remind myself that it was already bought and paid for, and I owed it to myself and my relative to get my money’s worth.

Make a Standing Date: One nice thing about taking the classes was that they met every Tuesday night. So I knew that I had that commitment and outlet. 

I also joined a mental health / self-care support group that was free and met once per week. Again, it was harder to beg off when I knew that these things were on my calendar, and I knew regular attendees (who I’d come to care about) were going to be there, and I didn’t want to let anyone down. 

Remind Yourself that You are Doing this for YOU: I will admit to you that initially, I did the “work on myself” thing for the benefit of my husband’s perception of me. But I didn’t stop because I learned that I was helping myself.

My husband and I reconciled and are doing great today. But I still go to that mental health support group. I still work out. I’m not doing these things for my husband’s perception anymore. I’m motivated because I find both things to be beneficial to me – mentally and physically. 

And your marriage is only as strong as the two people within it. I always try to remind myself that the stronger I can make myself, the better the chance that my marriage will remain strong.  

I do understand the challenges with staying motivated when you are separated. And I certainly had days or even weeks when I withdrew and didn’t do what I knew I needed to do. But I was able to right myself eventually. 

There’s no harm in stumbling a little along the way as long as you eventually get back up and walk tall.

Don’t beat yourself up too much if you are struggling with this.  Just take it day by day and try to do one thing each day that contributes to your self-care, growth, or relief.  You’re welcome to read about the process I eventually stumbled into to get my marriage back at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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How to Reignite Your Marital Relationship by Taking Strategic Baby Steps When Your Husband Wants Out

By: Leslie Cane: If you’re reading this, you’re probably dealing with a not-too-pleasant time in your marriage. You might be facing separation, divorce, or a marital break. Fortunately, I believe (from my own experience) that there are some strategic things you can do to save your marriage from the brink of disaster. And I’ll discuss them below.

I can’t promise you it will be a quick fix (it likely won’t), and you will usually have to take one small strategic step at a time. But it is not impossible if you are mindful of the steps below:

Understanding Why People Fall Out of Love So You Can Fall Back into It:  People often believe that they fall out of love because, all of a sudden, the magic and elusive chemistry is forever gone. 

In truth, falling out of love most often happens due to straight-up neglect. Sometimes, you will see concrete symptoms of this neglect such as cheating or crisis. But in the end, the root cause is almost complacency.

Intense closeness thrives on time and attention – both of which are vital. If you doubt this, all you need to do is to think about the early days of your relationship.  

How much time did you spend making sure your now-spouse was only exposed to the best version of yourself? How much attention did you pour into him and into the relationship? What were the results of that? Chances are you felt deeply in love and understood because you were making this new, exciting relationship your top priority.

Even better, disagreements were quickly resolved because you didn’t want to waste precious time arguing. 

Trying to reach that point again should be your current goal because once you do, everything in your relationship becomes so much easier and effortless.

It is so important to understand this because returning the right type of attention to your marriage is the first step to turning things around. 

Truthfully Evaluating The Current State of Your Marriage: Think about the state of your life today. You are likely very busy. Your attention is likely focused on raising your family, meeting your many obligations, and making a living. You’re probably doing the very best you can, but you may feel scattered some of the time. That doesn’t make you a bad person. That simply makes you typical. 

But it also may mean that you can’t devote as much time as you might like to your husband and your marriage. As a result, though, your relationship (and the intimacy within your marriage) have likely suffered. 

And as life goes on, we all get tangled in responsibilities that demand all of our time and energy. And we start to believe that it’s unrealistic for someone in our situation to pour so much time or energy into one person or thing. 

How to Turn it Around: I’m not insinuating that you can or need to go back to your dating and pre-marriage stance and behavior. That isn’t realistic. No one can turn back time. 

But I am suggesting that if you change where you are placing at least some of your attention and energy, you may reap significant relationship rewards. 

It doesn’t always have to take tons of time and effort. Go for a walk after dinner. Rub your husband’s back when you are watching TV. Don’t rush him when you ask about his day, attentively listen, and then follow up with thoughtful questions. 

Becoming Attractive to Your Spouse Again: Some people feel helpless when facing separation, divorce, or a break because they are sure that they are no longer attractive to their spouse, so they can’t gain any ground because he just isn’t interested anymore.

I believe that you can get your husband attracted to you again because I’ve done it. But you have to be very mindful of what not to do every bit as much as you need to pay attention to what you should do. 

Try very hard to not rely upon unattractive behaviors such as desperation, guilting, shaming, begging, or manipulating. This will only make you seem less attractive.

Instead, try positive emotional strategies. Always ask yourself whether your actions will help or hinder your chances. I know this is a challenge because right now, you very much want and need reassurance and his attention. And it is tempting to do what you need to do to get it.

But the way to best get his attention is to showcase the qualities your husband first fell in love with. Define exactly what those qualities are. Was it your attentiveness, chemistry, open heart, or sense of humor? Try to display these characteristics regularly – even if you have to force yourself.

Of course, you don’t want to be overly obvious about it because you don’t want your husband to think you’re playing games. Subtlety is key. Be the kind of person he wants to invest in.

What if Your Husband is Not Interested in Reuniting?:  I can just hear readers thinking, “What if my husband won’t even take my calls or is incredibly angry with me? How in the world can I make any progress then?” 

Well, admittedly, if your husband seems unresponsive or appears to want to move on, the process will take longer, and you’ll need to take even smaller steps.

First, try to reach an agreement with him that neither of you will make rash decisions. Show him that you love him deeply, but also emphasize that you love yourself enough to take care of your own emotional well-being. Express your desire to work things out, but then give him a little space.

During this time, focus on nurturing yourself. Focus on your own joy and contentment. If your husband just happens to find out about your newfound happiness, it might pique his interest and give you an opening. If not, you might have to arrange a casual meeting over coffee, framed as tying up loose ends or moving forward. Keep things casual. And build as you are able.

Always know that getting back together is a process that requires patience and effort. By taking strategic baby steps, rediscovering intimacy isn’t impossible, and can feel natural to your husband. He needn’t know that you’re inching your way back, but YOU will know. And that is fair game.

As I alluded to, I was able to save my own marriage by turning my attention to the correct things and changing course when I was appealing to my husband’s negative emotions.  This shift meant we are still married today.  You can read more at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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I’m So Afraid I’m Going to Lose My Husband And My Marriage- Tips and Advice That May Help

By: Leslie Cane: Many wives are beside themselves when they feel their husbands slipping away. Many cannot help but notice their husbands’ attention, commitment, and affection are waning. Some have felt this shift for quite some time, but when many of these wives attempt to discuss this shift with their husbands, they find that he’s annoyed and snappish. Sometimes, a husband in this situation will tell his wife that it’s all in her head. 

Often, wives in this scenario aren’t sure what to do. Many know that doing nothing might only make the situation worse. But saying something or demanding answers and changes might bring about a bad response also. 

As a result, wives can feel stuck, as though the only thing they can do is watch helplessly as they lose their husbands. 

A wife might say, “I can feel my husband doesn’t want me anymore. He tries to deny it, but it has become obvious. I am basically waiting until he demands a separation or divorce. And all I can do is wait for it to happen because when I try to talk to him, he gets annoyed and brushes me off.”

While I understand these concerns and had many of them myself, I also know that this type of mindset can be a self-fulfilling prophecy.  

When you think this way, you become sure that you’re going to lose your husband, and it becomes difficult to be objective. You can become a sitting duck – just waiting for the inevitable. 

As a result, it can begin to feel as if no matter what you do, you’re going to get the same result. Although this may feel like reality, it doesn’t have to be the case. And by thinking this way, you’re almost moving toward the thing that you fear the most.

Be Proactive Rather Than Reactive: Instead of just waiting for the inevitable to happen, try to put yourself in a better position by being proactive rather than merely waiting to react.

Instead of just feeling helpless and afraid, identify which fears are most worrisome and then take action to remove them. For example, if you feel your husband pulling away and not being affectionate, turn the tables, be proactive, and show some affection to him.

If you sense him being distracted, turn the tables and be attentive. If he is rude, you be polite. 

 I admit that this is a very delicate undertaking. You can’t show any desperation or have this come off as anything other than genuine. You don’t want to lay this on too thickly because if you do, you run the risk of pulling when he’s trying to push. And if you come on too strong, he’s going to push away even more.

The key is to really come off as caring, affectionate, and someone who wants her husband to be happy and has his best interest at heart. 

At the same time, you want to show yourself the same concern. You always want to come off as though you 100% believe that you are deserving of his attention and love. 

If you act as though you expect him to come around and are confident that if you show him (by your own demonstration) how you would like to be treated and what you want your marriage to look like, you will often see some improvement if you’ve done everything correctly.

If Your Suspicions Turn Out To Be True, And He Really Is Leaving: Sometimes, despite your best efforts, you will have a situation where a husband has flat-out told you or is hinting very heavily that he’s going to need some space or distance or time to reflect. 

Other times, he will just begin to walk away. In these situations, it’s so easy to panic and fear that your worst-case scenario and the thing that you feared the most is finally here.

And this is when many of us get into full-out panic mode. And unfortunately, this is the very worst thing that we can not do because this desperation will make us do things that we might later regret or that weaken our position in his eyes. 

As hard as it is, sometimes the best thing you can do is to take a deep breath and give him his space. If you don’t, he will either just take his space, resent you, or see you as the thing that is between him and his happiness.

And what do people do when they think that something is a deterrent to their happiness? They seek to remove that deterrent for good. Do not allow yourself to be put into that position. 

As hard as it might be to trust this process, you are generally going to be in a much better situation with a greater chance for success if you come from a place of strength rather than weakness. 

To that end, you can conduct yourself with dignity and respect. You can make it clear that you want both of you to be happy and you are willing to wait and offer the space. You want to act “as if” you know that the two of you are right together and that he will come to learn this eventually. 

In the meantime though, you will be the same desirable, upbeat, and loving person you have always been who also values her own happiness and well-being. You won’t resort to desperation, panicking, or isolation because you respect yourself too much.

Sometimes, it is a bit of a waiting game and following a strategy, but that is better than assuming that the worst is knocking on your door.

Unfortunately, when I knew deep in my heart that I should focus on repairing my marriage rather than worrying about losing my husband, I just put it off for later. I thought that I would always have time. But, this escalated until we almost got a divorce. Thankfully, I realized my tactics were not working and changed course. Eventually, I was able to not only repair our marriage, but to also restore my husband’s demonstrations of love. You can read more on my blog at https://isavedmymarriage.com/.

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We Don’t Love Each Other Anymore But We Don’t Want a Divorce – What Now?

By: Leslie Cane: Most people going through a separation know that it’s common for there to be one spouse who does not love or is not “in love” with the other. Usually, you have one person who is sure they still love their spouse, while another is claiming not to feel anything anymore. Sometimes though, there are couples who will tell you that neither of them are in love. Perhaps this started with one person and the other eventually followed suit. Or, maybe the marriage has been stale for a while, and both people stopped trying so that eventually, nothing was left.

Still, many people are committed to making things work regardless because they have children, because of financial issues, or because they just believe that marriage should be forever so the best course of action is to just stick it out after making things better.

Don’t Settle for A Loveless Marriage:  Even people who want to save their troubled marriage usually intuitively know that they deserve better than to live in a loveless marriage. No one enjoys going through the motions or being with someone who you suspect doesn’t love you while you also know that the feelings are mutual. Worse, many of these couples believe that this the best that they can hope for. Many of them search for tips for “surviving” in a loveless marriage or help in coping with what they feel is not going to change.

I find that most people believe that once you “fall out of love,” there’s no turning back, as if those feelings are akin to magic fairy dust of which you only get one sprinkle. I’m living proof that this isn’t the case. And I’ve seen many couples in the same situation turn their marriages around so that both loved and felt loved by the other. I firmly believe that you don’t have to settle for a loveless marriage if you’re willing to be proactive. I will discuss this more in the following article.

Determining Why You Don’t Love Each Other Anymore: Some of the troubled marriages about which I’m speaking involve a distinct conflict like infidelity, crisis, or money. But, much of the time, what’s happened is that the marriage grew cold so that eventually both people began to withdrawal and retreat. As the result, no one was invested in the marriage and working to maintain it. In short, it’s like a garden that has been long neglected and rather than weeds choking out the flowers that grow there, neglect is choking out the positive feelings which used to define the marriage.

But couples very rarely are able to draw this correlation. Instead, they think that they’ve lost their chemistry, that they are no longer compatible, or that they’ve become so familiar with one another that the marriage is no longer exciting or fulfilling.

They don’t draw any correlation to realize that the effort that is being put into the marriage influences the feelings that are coming out of it. And, they don’t realize or believe that if they return those efforts, the original feelings will usually follow right along.

Many people doubt this, but I’ve seen the same series of events happen time and time again and I believe that most couples are pleasantly surprised if they are open minded or still hopeful enough to give it a try.

What do you really have to lose if you’re already living in the near worse case scenario?

The Efforts And Behaviors That Will Usually Bring Back Loving Feelings: Sometimes, when people think about making this type of effort in their troubled marriage, they’re met with resistance or a blank stare. Couples get into habits and ruts that are hard to break. Things have continued on this way for so long that it’s very hard to remember when things weren’t this way. But, most people have to eventually admit that, once upon a time, things were very different.

Usually their early married life looked much different than it does today, In fact, very few people tell me that they didn’t adore their spouse in the beginning. The couples will often tell you that they had chemistry and passion.

But, what they also had were the behaviors that encouraged this. They and they alone were the center of each other’s world. They put a lot of time and effort into the relationship when it was shiny and new. They found ways to show their affection and likely never wanted to be apart.

Many people understand this on some level, until the “buts” start coming out: Examples are things like: “but we have children now.” “But our lives are hectic.” “But we’re middle aged people who aren’t going to act as if we’re newlyweds.”

I understand these things and I don’t expect for you to act exactly as you did then.

But, it’s not unrealistic or too much to ask to begin to place your focus on your behaviors and on making real change. It’s so important to break the habits or the ruts that you’ve gotten into. Admittedly, it takes work, a conscious effort, and a lot of repetition and positive payoffs to make this “stick.”

It’s not always easy, but most of the time, if you keep moving forward, you will begin to see improvements that build onto each other so that eventually, you realize that you hadn’t fallen out of love at all. You realize that what has happened was that you were neglecting those intimate and loving gestures that nurture and bring out those feelings of loving one another.

You Deserve To Feel Loved In Your Marriage Even If You Have To Take The Initiative: Yes, someone is going to have to make the first move. But, isn’t it worth the risk? You deserve to feel loved and to express love. Just take small steps. Tell yourself that just for today, you will carve out some simple, uninterrupted time with your spouse.

You don’t have to have long and difficult discussions about your problems. In fact, you shouldn’t. Just try to do something simple together like taking a walk while holding hands. Really listen to your spouse and respond in the way that you would want him or her to respond to you. Because at the end of the day, most people want and expect the same thing out of their marriage.

They want to share. They want to feel valued and heard. And they want to feel and express love. The equation really isn’t that hard, but it does take maintenance. Now is the time to restart that maintenance because you deserve the feelings that almost always follow it.

Unfortunately for me, I neglected my marriage until it was almost too late. The feelings of being “in love” were essentially gone when I finally got the hint. Luckily, by taking calculated baby steps, I was able to reestablish intimacy and bring back his love. You can read more on my blog at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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What Works and What Doesn’t When Trying to Save Your Marriage – How To Prioritize Feelings Over Fixing

By: Leslie Cane: If you’re trying to save your marriage, chances are that you’ve either already tried many strategies – or are considering them. And that’s understandable. Because it often feels like if you do nothing, then you have zero chance of getting any positive results.

When I was facing a divorce, I spent tons of time reading everything that I could, and I got myself scattered chasing various types of advice. 

Unfortunately, very little of it made any difference at all. And I think that much of that stemmed from the fact that much of this advice has you tackling major problems very early on. 

 And I know that I’m not alone. I often speak with people who’ve been told that they need to get down to the nitty-gritty of their marital problems from the jump – that they need to go over their marriage with a fine-tooth comb. And then everyone is surprised when this doesn’t work. Here’s why I think there’s a better way.

Why Going for the Most Troubling Marital Issues Early On May Set You Up For Failure: It’s normal to feel very pressured and hurried when you are facing a divorce. You feel like you need to erase your biggest problems yesterday.  

Many separated wives feel that they only have a limited amount of time, so they’d better get to it as soon as they can, and they then get scattered by new methods that they think could possibly work. 

Unfortunately, many “save your marriage” programs feed on this thought process, and they want you to address the “tough stuff” right away. But, in my opinion, this advice can miss the mark by not addressing debilitating tensions first – at least that was true in my case and in the cases of others I know.

After all, if you and your husband can’t communicate with ease and openness, any delving into your problems is going to be met with defensiveness and resistance, and that sets you up for failure. 

I learned (and now believe) it’s important to reestablish positive feelings and empathy first. Because if you can restore affection and respect, then you and your husband will eventually be ready for long-term change and the work you’ll need to do when your marriage can withstand the scrutiny. (And this method works particularly well if you feel like you’re the only one who cares about saving your marriage.)

Where You Can Get Tripped Up When You Try to Save Your Marriage and Risk Alienating Your Spouse: Sometimes, when you’re following traditional “save your marriage” advice, you’ll be given exercises that encourage you to have difficult discussions with your spouse.

The problem with this is that there is often one spouse who wants to save the marriage while the other wants to leave it. And the spouse who “wants out” will rarely sit there and participate in these “difficult conversations” with patience and willingness. Instead, they’re going to do everything in their power to escape – even if that means avoiding you or not participating willingly or sincerely. 

Not surprisingly, the spouse who wants to save the marriage can feel rejected and defeated, and may just give up well before they need to. But they aren’t really in a hopeless situation – they’re just premature.   I can’t tell you how close I was to giving up several times during my own separation.  Thankfully, I didn’t, and I am still married today.

Why Reestablishing a Positive Relationship on Any Level is Worth Doing Before You Attempt to “Fix” the Hard Issues: It may be obvious to you that you aren’t going to get your husband to be loving, attentive, and invested tomorrow. That isn’t realistic.

But what you might be able to do is establish a somewhat positive, easy rapport over time. And this may feel more like a friendship than a marriage initially. And that is fine. Because your goal is to gradually build upon your easy relationship until it turns into something more. 

You want to cultivate mutual respect, empathy, and a sense of “we.” 

Because if you can do that, you may eventually get to a place where both people are willing to then work through the issues dividing them. That’s when you’ll do the work, but taking the time to reestablish a positive relationship allows “the work” to actually be successful. In my experience, it is never a waste of time. 

The Unexpected Benefits of Focusing on Feelings Rather Than Fixing:  Many people are understandably scared to prioritize feelings over fixing because they don’t feel they have the luxury of time. But, let me try to alleviate your fears by pointing out some of the very positive benefits of placing your focus on feelings.

When you focus on positivity and restoring rapport, you remind your spouse of the vibrant, fun person he first fell in love with. When he begins to look at you a little differently, this can boost your self-esteem and confidence to keep going, which you sometimes desperately need.

And by making sure you are somewhat connected again, you’re actually making the job ahead much easier, and shorter. Think about it. How receptive was your husband when you first dated? Likely very. Because he was more than willing to focus on the positive rather than the negative. He wanted to focus on the feelings. If you can get to this place again, your work is so much easier.  

Know When Your Marriage Is Too Fragile: While I understand why some think you need to tackle your difficult problems right away, I have come to believe that many marriages are just too fragile to withstand this. So although you may have the best intentions, you may actually be burying your marriage before it even has a chance.

In my experience, you are much better off waiting until you are in a better place, even if that means taking a brief break. Because you may eventually be rewarded with a husband who is invested and receptive again. And that makes your chances of success much greater. 

I know that my asking you to delay “the work” may feel scary and uncertain. And truly, if your marriage can withstand it, go for it. 

But if you’ve already tried picking apart your problems and have been met with resistance or avoidance, you might already see or sense that it either doesn’t work or it presents a risk. Why not wait just a little while until you can get your marriage back to the point where it can withstand working through the “tough stuff?”

By restoring the positivity between you, the relationship follows a logical progression where you only move forward when you have the necessary cooperation. 

As I’ve alluded to, I had to back up several times during my own separation and just wait for better opportunities.  I didn’t enjoy that at the time and got quite discouraged.  But it is part of the reason I am still married today.  My marriage could not have withstood the scrutiny and I needed to reestablish the feelings with my husband first.  You can read more at https://isavedmymarriage.com

 

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The Things that Make a Husband Fall Out of Love With His Wife and Want a Separation or Divorce

By: Leslie Cane: Many husbands lament that they’ve “fallen out of love” with their wife. Many times, this lack of love leads to a husband who wants a separation or divorce. Often, the wives affected by this are looking for a way to get their husband to love them again. The answer to this concern lies in understanding why people fall in and out of love. Because, if we can understand this, the next action becomes a little more clear. I will discuss this more in the following article.

Narrowing Down Why Husbands Really Fall Out Of Love: If you were to ask the husband who “wants out” of their marriage why their feelings have changed, 9 times out of 10, you would likely get vague answers that don’t really get to the heart of the matter.

You’ll often hear things like: “We’re just different people now.”

Or “We don’t have much in common anymore.”

Another example is: “We’ve grown apart.”

And then there’s the “I’m just not attracted to my wife anymore and don’t feel the same way.”

And while the husband who is no longer experiencing loving feelings may well be telling the truth as they know it, what they are describing is often the symptoms and not the cause.

Sure, the thing that changed their feelings DOES make them feel as though they’ve grown apart from or not as close to or attracted to their wife. But, very few people understand the true cause of why they feel the way that they do. It’s not easy to look at this objectively when you are right smack in the middle of it.

I hear from people from all walks of life on both sides of this equation. I believe that for the most part people are honest with me because they don’t have any reason not to be. And, from all that I have heard from all sides, if I had to sum up while people fall out of love in one word – that word would be neglect.

The Changes That You Must Navigate to Get the Love Back: Before you think that the idea of neglect sounds too simplistic, hear me out. Often, it’s not really the people who have changed. Almost always, the circumstances DO change.

People have households to care for. Children come along. Financial obligations pop up. There is less time to give to the relationship without something else having to give. And yet, almost all married couples have the same types of general obligations and some make it work while others struggle.

From my observation, the major difference between the two is the amount of effort put into it combined with an understanding of what efforts provide the biggest and most needed payoff. This leads me to my next point.

Understanding What Husbands Really Want To Feel While Being “In Love”: Think back to when you were falling in love with your spouse. There was excitement that came with things being shiny and new and the anticipation of seeing how things were going to unfold. This likely had you holding your breath with all of the hopeful possibilities. And let’s face it, in the early stages of your relationship, everyone is on their very best behavior.

You might never see your spouse more charming, attentive, and romantic than they are in the early stages. There is no doubt about it that this type of attention and give-and-take feels good. The pay off is constant and makes you want to give back. So the cycle is a very positive and exciting one.

But, when real life comes calling, it’s a bit unrealistic to think that you can keep this up forever. And, inevitably, life begins to get in the way. This doesn’t mean that you don’t love your spouse or that you’re slacking. It just means that you are having a normal reaction to normal issues.

But, over time, this shift can really affect your marriage or your relationship. Whether they can put their finger on it or not, your husband (and you) can begin to feel differently.

But I can tell you that almost no one connects the dots between the priority and time shift with the changing feelings. They will think their spouse has changed or the feelings have fled without realizing that the equation really is that the effort put in is directly proportional to the feelings that come out.

Ways To Make a Husband Fall In Love With You Again: One of the most common questions that I’m asked is how to make your husband, boyfriend, loved one, etc. fall back in love with you. Although I often think that the whole idea of “falling out of love” is a bit inaccurate, I can tell you some ways to bring back loving feelings.

First, it’s so important to understand what people truly want. And, a good way to do this is to understand what you want. Because these desires are almost universal as they really are human nature. Everyone wants to feel desired. Everyone wants to feel special and unique. And, we all want to know that know that we’re really and truly seen.

Making a person feel this way is an investment in time and effort. That’s why the longer a relationship lasts, the greater the risk becomes of taking your loved one for granted and seeing these feelings slip right through your fingers. But, just understanding this concept is the first step. I often tell people to give their spouse the thing that they most want and watch as it comes back to them.

In other words, if you feel your loved one isn’t affectionate, then show them affection and see what happens. It might feel weird and vulnerable at first. If the closeness and intimacy aren’t there, you may have to feel your way for a little while.

But, a little effort over time can make a big impact. Many times, if you ask the husband who wants the separation or divorce a few open-ended questions, you’ll find that, deep down, they felt unappreciated or misunderstood. To keep this from happening (or to fix it when it does) it’s vital that you make your loved one feel prioritized, understood, and confident that you “get” them and know what is most important.

People often think being in love is all about the chemistry and the spark. And while this may be accurate in the beginning, I don’t buy it for the long term. I’ve seen too many marriages and relationships saved by re-prioritizing and understanding what people really need – including my own.

I absolutely understand where you are right now. A couple of years ago, my husband flat-out told me he had fallen out of love with me. But, eventually, it dawned on me that the tactics I was using to get him to love me again were not working. Luckily, I was able to change course and return the intimacy and affection. You can read more on my blog at https://isavedmymarriage.com/.

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Why Does My Separated Husband All But Refuse to Communicate With Me? Here are Some Possible Reasons

By: Leslie Cane: Many separated wives are very focused on communication. Many of them realize that they’ll need to eventually improve their communication to save their marriages. So they may reach out often or aggressively try to talk to or text their spouse. Unfortunately, they’re often rebuffed, and they do not understand why.

One of these wives might say: “My separated husband is keeping me at arm’s length, and I honestly don’t get it. Granted, he wanted to separate, but he’s basically rejecting me. He promised me that we’d be in touch. He also said if we could heal, we could eventually reconcile. There were no explosive issues or fights that caused our separation. We just grew apart. It’s not as if we hate one another or that he’s angry with me. But every time I reach out to him, he puts me off. At times, he almost seems rude, as if he thinks I’m out of line to want to talk to my own husband. I’ve asked if I’ve done something to annoy him, and he says I haven’t. But he still won’t talk to me or give me any information. I just don’t get it. I’ve done everything he’s asked of me, but he just won’t communicate. Why?”

I understand how confusing and painful this is. But I’d offer a warning. When my own separated husband wouldn’t communicate with me, I tried to push it. I doubled my efforts. I became an unrestrained pest. Of course, I only made it worse. And he was willing to communicate even less than before.

I believe that it’s easier to act methodically and effectively if you understand WHY he might not be communicating with you right now. It’s important to understand that sometimes the reasons have more to do with him than with you. Sometimes, the reasons are situational. And sometimes, they are emotional or psychological – which means that it’s possible he will work through them, and things will change.

Always keep in mind that change and progress are possible without your needing to make huge gestures that might make things worse.

Here’s a look at some possibilities:

A Distancing Due to an Attempt at Emotional Protection: When we are separated, we tend to focus on our own pain. We assume that we are the one who is hurting the most. And, because we can’t see our spouse, we assume that he’s doing just fine.

This isn’t always the case, though. He’s often hurt and struggling, just like we are. But he doesn’t necessarily want to show that – so he’ll back away a bit as he’s trying to work through things. 

He Doesn’t Know What He Feels or Wants and Therefore Doesn’t Know How to Communicate the Same: It would be wonderful if your husband could interpret and understand his feelings and then share the same with you.

But this is so rare. People’s self-awareness is at an all-time low during difficult times like separations. Think about it. That’s why marriage counselors have waiting lists.  

Still, your husband likely knows that you’re going to inquire about how he’s feeling or which way he’s leaning.

He may not have those answers and therefore, doesn’t know how he can possibly communicate right now. So it’s just easier to avoid you so that he doesn’t have to struggle to explain himself. 

After some time has passed, he may get a little more insight and therefore, may be able to offer you more communication. 

He’s Trying To Avoid Uncomfortable Conversations: Many people who separate want some time alone before they get together with their spouse and try to have difficult conversations. Having these types of conversations too soon can be awkward and painful, so your husband may be trying to avoid this.

He may want to allow things to calm down or for you both to get used to your new normal before you attempt potentially heavy conversations.

So he may perceive that it’s easier to delay this process than to struggle through it in the beginning.

He May Be Trying to Posture or Assert Some Control: People can feel as if their life is not their own when separated. This is a time when someone else’s decisions and behaviors can affect or change your marital status – and therefore, your life.

So by refusing to communicate – at least initially -, he may be trying to recover a sense of control. 

Or he may be posturing somewhat to lower your expectations at the beginning of the separation since he’s not yet sure how he wants this to go. 

He May Think He’s Prioritizing Himself: Many people who become separated vow to focus on themselves and to be selfish for a little while. So they try to protect themselves from demands on their time and emotions.

He may think that this is what he is doing by limiting communication right now. He may be planning to communicate at a later time, once he has taken what he feels is enough time to concentrate on himself. 

How to Best Handle This: As I hinted at above, resist the urge to demand more from him when he is already hesitant. Resist the urge to grill him about why he is acting this way. Have some patience and accept conversations about things that may seem trivial and petty right now – but are pleasant enough.

You want to show him that you don’t need to have heavy, unpleasant conversations right now. It’s enough to just talk as regularly as possible. You want to try to leave every conversation on a positive note so he won’t be as reluctant to do it again.

Keep topics light so that there isn’t discomfort initially. You can work up to the important but difficult conversations later, but you don’t need to do that initially. Ease into it until he is more willing.

Just take what you can get right now and try to remain playful and pleasant so that he is more likely to want to willingly talk to you. If you’re able to do that, you can build on your progress, so that eventually, he is more than willing to communicate with you. 

I know that this is asking a lot.  But slowing down with my demands and taking what my husband offered me really changed the dynamic of my separation and was the start of a shift that allowed us to reconcile.  You can read the entire story at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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Tips for Making Your Husband Love You Again When You’re Facing a Separation or Divorce 

By: Leslie Cane: Many wives intuitively know when they are facing separation or divorce. They can deeply sense that their husband is no longer happy, invested, or participating in the marriage. Many of them are desperately looking for ways to restore intimacy, closeness, and affection, but they wonder if any of these goals are possible. 

One of the wives might say, ” I’m not stupid. I know that my husband has fallen out of love with me. I can see it in the way that he looks at me and in the way that he no longer makes me the most important thing in his life. He tolerates me. He lives around me. But his face doesn’t light up when he sees me anymore. He doesn’t include me in important decisions. He doesn’t share his goals or fears with me anymore. Honestly, he rarely tells me about his day. It’s like I just live on the periphery of his life. I strongly suspect that he is going to ask me for a separation soon. We haven’t even eaten dinner together in the last couple of months, and it’s been a long time since we’ve even had sex. He doesn’t even try. It is like he is numb toward me. I miss his loving gestures and his attention. Is there any way I can make him love me like he used to again?”

I believe that you can, because I have done it – although it was quick or easy. Below, I’ll provide tips on how to encourage genuine loving feelings when it feels like your marriage is falling apart. I hope they help.

Examine What You Have Access to – Your Own Actions:  I know that it may be difficult to take a hard look at yourself because that feels like assigning blame, and no one person is to blame when a marriage goes south.

But your own behaviors and actions are things that you both have access to and can change. Not only that but making necessary changes can directly affect (and improve) the outcome of your marriage. And it will show your husband that you are serious about real change.

Try to determine if you are participating in some common behaviors that happen to marriages in trouble. From my own experience and research, I know that wives in this situation often resort to reactionary behavior as either a way to protect themselves or to try to make things better. 

Here is one example: One way that some wives react when they feel their marriage slipping away is that they, themselves pull away because they are hurt. They retreat into their own worlds because they suspect that is what their husband wants them to do. 

He isn’t engaging with them, so why even try? Plus, this self-imposed isolation feels more comfortable when you are constantly being rejected.

However, as a result of this pulling away, neither party is getting much GENUINE affection or attention because the wives themselves have retreated as a defense mechanism to keep from becoming more hurt than they already are. 

To rebuild intimacy, both partners must be willing to be vulnerable and participate fully. You have to “let down the walls” so to speak so that he can come in when things improve.

The second way that I see people react is that they may overcompensate for the distance by becoming clingy, overbearing, or insincere. 

They may put on a “fake” show and shower their husband with overdone affection and attention in an attempt to right the ship.

Unfortunately, this approach can cause your husband to feel suffocated and manipulated, and as a result, he may tune you out, withdraw, or shut down – which only leads to further disconnection.  

Keep in mind that your husband knows you very well and will know when you are putting on a show for his benefit.

Yes, I realize that these are both opposite sides of the same coin, but it’s very common for wives in this situation to swing to extremes – they’re either too clingy or not affectionate because they just aren’t sure how to act. 

Show Him How to Give What You Need: To lure your husband into loving you again, lead by example. 

Consider what you want from him and ask yourself if you’re providing the same in return. If you want more affection or appreciation, show him genuine gestures of love and gratitude. Remember that you’re encouraging your husband how to treat you through your own actions.

When I was in this situation, I tried to ask myself when was the last time I laughed with my husband? When was the last time I approached him in ways that would lift his spirits, lighten his load, or make him feel loved? The truth was I didn’t because I was afraid of yet more rejection.  

And so things just continued to deteriorate and become worse and worse. 

Take an Honest Look at the Personality of Your Marriage: This may sound silly, but a good therapist once encouraged me to think about the “personality” and “culture” of my marriage. 

She asked if I would describe my marriage as cold and distant or light-hearted and loving. Of course, at the time, it was the first option. But she encouraged me to understand that if I could make it loving and playful again, we might actually stand a chance. 

My marriage at its worst point looked very different than my marriage in its early stages. And I needed to work towards restoring the fun, loving, and affectionate qualities that were present when we were first dating 

I figured that if I could do this, I’d remind my husband about what he loved about me in the first place, which might slowly, gradually, bring about a shift. (And that strategy eventually worked.)

Because if I was being honest, the scared, scattered, and dull woman I saw in the mirror every morning was a far cry from the vibrant, funny, and engaged woman my husband dated. I knew I had to get her back to stand even the slightest chance. 

I absolutely understand where you are right now. But with a bit of skill and luck, you can change the trajectory. I was able to shift the downward momentum of my marriage, end the separation, and return the intimacy and affection. You can read more on my blog at https://isavedmymarriage.com/

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Tips for When You Feel Like You’re Marital Separation is Going All Wrong

By: Leslie Cane: I wish I could tell you that most people have a seamless marital separation where they begin communicating more effectively and conclude that they want to stay together after all. I wish that were true. But it isn’t. Instead, many people have messy separations. They have the kind of separation where they’re filled with doubt and fear. They have the kind of separation where it feels as if things are getting worse and not better.

Someone might explain: “I honestly did everything in my power to avoid a separation because I knew it was going to implode on me. I knew that things were likely to go wrong, and I was right. My husband and I misunderstand one another more than ever. I have no idea what is going on with him because he avoids me. I’m afraid that he’s found someone else, although he refuses to talk about that. He makes assumptions about me that just aren’t true, but when I try to clarify, he is resistant. I feel we’re further apart than we’ve ever been. What can you do when it feels like every single thing in your separation has gone wrong?”

Don’t get irrevocably discouraged. I know firsthand that things can change. My separation looked completely hopeless, and yet I am married today. I can’t claim that I did everything right. In fact, I did most things wrong – at least in the beginning. But I did right some of my mistakes within enough time to change the tide somewhat. Here are some things that I believe can be helpful:

Be Very Careful With Communication: One of the biggest mistakes I see is that people become more emotional and less rational about their communication. When this happens, communication can become less frequent at a time when you need regular communication. 

The goal is truly for communication to go well enough that it will happen again and again and build on itself until it improves the relationship. This can be a slow and gradual process. But if you approach communication in the wrong way, you can stop it in its tracks – which you cannot afford.

You are better off accepting small talk if that is all you can do successfully and then building from there. If you’re not having success with deep topics or deep talks about your relationship, back off for a bit and build back up. 

Honestly Examine What Went Wrong and How You Can Start to Right the Ship Alone: I’m not naive enough to think that anyone can solve all of their marital problems alone, but I know from my own experience that you can address the mistakes that you made alone. You can address any personal issues that contributed to the breakdown of your marriage alone.

You can examine where things are going wrong during the separation, and you can – at least on your end – stop participating in any behaviors that are tearing your marriage down rather than building it up.

In other words, you can work on your side of things to make the circumstances as positive as you can. Because if your husband sees positive changes coming from you, he may hop on board.

Stop Yourself When You Feel It Going Off the Rails: It took me way too long to learn that I absolutely should not double down when things began to go wrong.

If my husband and I disagreed during my separation, I would try to explain myself more forcefully or repeat the same old things. Not only did this not endear me to my spouse, he stopped listening because he knew he’d hear the same old refrain.

Eventually, I learned that when things went spectacularly wrong, I was better off just agreeing to disagree until we could come at it in another way later. Often, it’s much better to delay than to intensify.

Find an Outlet for Your Emotions: Along those same lines, if you feel unstable, are having trouble coping, or feel like you’re getting out of control, find a way to let out your frustrations or emotions.

You can do this via exercise, journaling, hobbies, spending time with others, taking a class, or seeking therapy. There are so many things that you can do rather than engage in negative feelings and behaviors. I know that it is a challenge. I know that you have to redirect yourself. But you will be doing yourself a huge favor if you find a way to take your negative energy and turn it into something healing and positive.

You’re sort of waiting during your separation and have more time on your hands anyway, so why not use that for good? Why not use that to make things better so that when you and your husband do reconcile, you are a better version of yourself? 

Have Patience and Read His Cues: This might be the hardest thing that I’m asking you to do. But sometimes, you have to accept that reconciliation may not come in the timeline you wanted. It certainly didn’t for me. And I had to learn to distract myself so that I wouldn’t push. Because when I pushed, I only added additional time because my husband became even more frustrated with me.

Another thing that will help is to read your husband’s cues. If he is not receptive to your line of communication, then notice that and then stop and go another route. Learn not to make things worse. Learn to wait, regroup, and try again.  

But don’t dig yourself even deeper as your husband becomes more and more frustrated with you and with the situation. 

I know that everything I said is easier said than done.  I struggled with it, too.  But once I eventually had the self-discipline not to rush into the same old mistakes and behaviors, everything changed. You can read the whole story at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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Would Some Time Apart or a Separation Make Him Love Me Again? What is the Best Way to Do This?

By: Leslie Cane: Many wives are looking for any successful way to save their marriage or make their husband love them again. Many have tried counseling, talking things out, or spicing things up. But seemingly, very little of these things have worked well enough. So, many wives explore the idea of a separation or at least some time apart in the hopes that absence will make the heart grow fonder. In other words, they hope that if their husband is away from them, he realize how much he misses them and how good he really had it.

Common comments are things like: “I have tried everything to get my husband to love me again and save the marriage. Nothing has worked. I’m pretty desperate at this point and am considering a separation as a last ditch effort. Is a separation a valid way to save the marriage or to make him love me again? Does absence really make the heart grow fonder?”

In my opinion, this tactic can work. I have seen it work and I have experienced it when it finally did work for me. But, I also think that there’s a right way to do it and a wrong way to do it, which I will discuss more in the following article.

If You’re Going To Try A Separation To Try and Bring His Love Back, Make Sure You Present Yourself In The Right Way During It: Here’s one of the biggest mistakes that I see wives make. They gather their courage to give, suggest, or accept a separation and then they second guess themselves or they let fear take over. So, they have a tendency to cling, call too much, hold on very tightly and basically just not let the time and space do its job.

There is a very delicate balance between showing yourself in a way that will peak his interest and coming on too strong and being so present that there’s not any room for separation at all. I know that being separated from your husband, even for just a little while, can feel extremely scary and odd. There’s a real tendency to want to have constant contact so you can gauge what he’s doing or how he’s feeling. But, sometimes it’s best to use a bit of restraint.

Show Him Who He Really Needs to See: When you do see or speak to him, you want to make sure that you’re being very deliberate about who and what you allow him to see. You don’t want to present yourself as someone who is frightened he will find better or that you can’t live without him. You want him to know that although you love him and feel the separation is a last resort, you care enough about yourself to conduct yourself with self respect.

And, you want to remember what has always attracted him to you. Because honestly, when things go badly, it’s so easy to abandon this woman who could turn this around. People tend to focus on and cling to the negative emotions and fears when they should be doing the opposite. I completely understand that it be nearly impossible to put on a happy face when your heart is broken. No one would believe this is possible anyway. But, to the extent you can, try to put one foot in front of the other and show him who you know he’s been waiting for this entire time.

If you know he loves your sense of humor but they two of you haven’t laughed in months, then you’ll want to find a natural place where you can make sure this happens. Your real goal here is to change his perceptions so that he begins to think that things really can change enough that he’s willing to be open to the idea of true reconciliation.

Try To Establish Some Understanding As To How The Separation Is Actually Going To Work: Another omission that I see in this situation is that people sort of take a “wait and see” approach. They don’t check in with one another or establish at least some boundaries and so people tend to think the worst and resentment and fear begin to take over.

People commonly worry that the other spouse is seeing other people or is blissfully happy alone with his freedom when they may not even be the case. Although sometimes husbands are resistant to defining exactly how the separation or time apart is going to work, you can usually set up at least some general guidelines. You can suggest checking in once a week or more if he’s receptive to it. This can be via a phone call or a meeting (which is nice if you have children.)

Be Mindful of the Tone of Any Interactions: Whenever these check ins happen (and they may not always be elaborate or extensive) it’s important to keep them as light hearted as you can. You don’t want to make things so heavy that he wants to avoid you. You don’t want to press about any decisions that he has or has not made. The whole goal is really to very gradually improve how you are communicating and getting along. Because if you can do this, you can build on each improvement until you’re both feeling loving toward each other and the marriage once again.  Once that happens, you can move toward reconciliation.

I wish I had known these things in my own life. Our trial separation went very badly until I figured out that my actions were pushing my husband further away. Fortunately, I was able to change course and place my focus on the right things so I could eventually save the marriage. You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/.

 

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