Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many people wonder about loveless, broken marriages. They want to know to survive them, how to be happy in them, or how to live in harmony within one, especially for the sake of children. Very interestingly, there aren’t quite as many requests for advice on how to fix them. It seems that couples living in a loveless marriage don’t think that it can ever change or really improve.

This is frustrating because I’ve seen countless so-called “loveless” or “broken” marriages turn around quite dramatically. And living in a home filled with love and affection truly is, at least in my opinion, the gold standard for all involved. So, in the following article, I’m going to tell you how I think it’s possible to fix or repair a loveless marriage.

The First Step In Repairing A Broken Marriage Is Not Allowing Definitions To Limit Your Beliefs: Here’s a common denominator that I often find in this situation. People’s perceptions and definitions can very much affect the outcome. And once you start referring to your marriage as “loveless,” you truly do limit your emotions, your perceptions, your expectations, and possibly the health of your marriage.

I certainly don’t doubt that your marriage is struggling, could well be non fulfilling, and could feel quite devoid of love. Many people in this situation say that they’re only going through the motions, living like roommates – never even acknowledging each other, or often only communicate in a negative way. I understand that it’s hard not to place labels on a situation like this. But please try to keep an open mind moving forward. This can make all the difference.

Determining Why Your Marriage No Longer Feels Loving: The next step would be pinpointing why you’re experiencing your marriage as you are. Why does it feel “loveless” to you? What is turning you (or your spouse) off the most? And, how long has it been this way? Because one thing that I almost always find is that very few marriages have been “loveless” from the very beginning.

No, typically something somewhere along the line changed. And sometimes, people will claim that it’s their spouse who has changed. I often hear comments like: “My husband has completely changed. He’s not the man I married. He’s lazy and sarcastic and I don’t even like him anymore, much less love him.” From husbands I hear things like: “My wife used to be so caring and so much fun. She used to listen to me and laugh with me. But now, she just looks at me as though I’ve disappointed her. She looks right through me and then nags.”

These perceptions can cloud and choke out the good things within your marriage and feed on themselves. And, when the perceptions change, unfortunately priorities and attention changes also. The final change is the feelings.

So, maybe you did go out and do fun things together regularly in the beginning of your marriage, but you doubt very much that this is possible now. Or, your spouse used to go out of their way to show and tell you how much they loved and appreciated you, but they rarely give you a second glance lately.

Why “Neglected” is a Better Description for a Broken Marriage: All of these changes are what contribute to your changing feelings and the way that you see and define your marriage. I often tell people that I think “neglected” is a better adjective for this kind of marriage than “loveless.”

And it’s not always the marriage that the spouses neglect. Yes, they neglect each other. But, they often neglect themselves also. Their happiness level goes way down and they sort of shut down and begin stumbling through every day and going through the motions without even thinking.

Shaking Up A Loveless Marriage To Repair The Damage And Get The Loving Feelings Back: If you continue on the way that you are, it’s likely a fair assumption that the way you feel won’t change either. And very often, when a marriage has become “loveless,” one of the reasons for this is that you’ve gotten into destructive habits. You must break these. And, that can be difficult when you’ve established negative marital norms that at least feel predictable.

But someone has to be that brave person who is going to stand up and shake things up a bit. Yes, this can make you feel exposed and vulnerable. But it’s sometimes worth it in the end. Ask your spouse on a date. Compliment them. Ask them open ended questions and really listen. Pinpoint what bothers you the most and have the courage to change it in a kind and loving way.

I know that some people think I’m nuts when I offer these suggestions. But I’ve seen marriages long left for dead produce people who are giggling like teenagers after pouring very deliberate attention onto their spouse and their marriage again. If your spouse isn’t giving you what you need to feel loved and loving, then ask yourself if you’re doing the same for them and then do it if you’re not.

All of us want the same things. We want to feel adored, understood and desired. If you make your spouse feel this way, they will likely eventually return the effort and you may well find yourself in a brand new marriage.

It’s very much my opinion and experience that it’s much easier to “fix” a seemingly loveless marriage than it is to start over when you may have already found your soulmate but no longer recognize or appreciate them due to your own perceptions and labels.

By: Leslie Cane: The other day, I received an email from a friend who wrote: “my husband told me that he’s not in love with me anymore.  He didn’t say it in a mean or spiteful way.  He was just being honest.  He said that he’s ‘trying’ to hang in there and regain the spark, but I just don’t know what to do about this. How am I suppose to process the fact that my husband doesn’t love me anymore and has to ‘try’ to stay with me?  I feel like something that is undesirable and tarnished, like an out of date tool that he no longer has any use for, but which he’s just going to keep around because he feels that he should or because he has some sentimental value or loyalty (but no love) toward it.”

Putting The Husband’s “Trying To Love” His Wife In Perspective:  First off, I cautioned the wife not to focus on the semantics too much.  Sometimes, we obsess over the words and phrasing that someone uses without realizing that that person probably didn’t give the words much thought when they said them.

These were the words that came out at the time, but that doesn’t mean that you need to analyze every syllable or stake your marriage on his choice of words.

It’s important to use this for what it is – a wake up call and a second chance.  So many wives have husbands who have proclaimed that they no longer love them and / or have filed divorce papers.  These wives were blindsided and have less of a chance to change things before a divorce is final.

So, as much as it may feel like you’re in an awful situation right now, know that it could be worse.  By being honest with you, your husband has shown that he’s still communicating and is still open to the idea that the love can be restored.

What No Longer Loving You Probably Really Means:  Men are not good at evaluating and then communicating their feelings.  Often they think they are “no longer in love with you,” when in fact they’re no longer enamored with their life or with how the relationship is going right now.  They’re remembering what was and contrasting that with what currently is and they’re feeling disappointed and let down.

Yes, this isn’t altogether fair.  Day to day stressors are realities of life and it’s likely that both of you are juggling twice as much as you did when you were falling in love.  And men very often know this intellectually, but they are still let down emotionally.

So as hard as it is, don’t take this business personally.  Because I’d be willing to bet that if you could alleviate some of the stress, take the time to find the environment conducive to bonding and sharing, and focus on what brings you together rather than what drives you apart, things would begin to look (and feel) a whole lot different.

Reality Today Compared To What It Used To Be: Hopefully, I’ve given you something to think about. It may be the bond that’s been lost rather than the love that has been lost. Husbands will often perceive it this way, but they are very often wrong.  What has really happened is that the bond and intimacy have changed, not the love.

So, how can you use this knowledge to your advantage? Well, you can start by calming down and realizing that you just need to change up the perception and the bond.  This is usually a gradual process that can’t be rushed.  But, with repetitive and careful effort, eventually you will see things begin to change.

Think back to what really drove your relationship when you first fell in love.  Many people will mention “sex” when I being up this consideration.  But, I would argue that it was not so much sex as the excitement and the intimacy that you felt. You felt desired, loved, understood, valued, and unique.

The key word here, is, believe it or not, unique.  People in love feel like they’ve finally found the other part to their whole.  They feel that they’ve finally found the person that completes them – the role that no one else could fill.  But, this is often the result of the time and attention that you devote to them.  You value their experiences, their perceptions, and their journey through life and this makes them feel uniquely special

What would happen if you tried this approach again? Honestly, what if you began to prioritize the way that you did when you were dating? It certainly couldn’t hurt, right?

Now, you can’t come on too strong or appear in genuine.  You must pace yourself so that this new tactic appears to be spontaneous.  You can’t force it, but you can allow it to happen in the way that you have set it up.

I know that things seem not so great right now, but think about the advantage you have.  You know how and why this guy falls in love.  You know his history and what he values. This is likely a larger advantage than you think.

by: Leslie Cane: Many of the wives who read my articles feel sure that their husbands don’t love them. Occasionally, I hear from someone who tells me that their husband has never loved them. An example is the wife who was beside herself and very upset about the way that her husband has been treating her. He’d been shutting her out, spending less time at home, and was basically just ignoring her as though she didn’t exist.

One day she got so frustrated at this that she snapped: “This isn’t how you treat someone you love.” This did not sit well with the husband who snapped back: “I don’t love you. I’m not sure if I ever have loved you.” Needless to say, the silence and the tension was thick in the room after this. And, since then, the two had just been completely avoiding each other. The wife was furious that he would speak to her in this way. But, deep down, she was also very hurt because the suspected that there was a lot of truth behind that outburst.

The points she made went something like this: “I don’t think we would even be married if I hadn’t become pregnant with our daughter. When I got pregnant, we had just broken up. He was the one who broke it off. And at that point, I think he was relieved that the relationship was over. But of course, once I got pregnant, everything changed. I hoped that our daughter would bring us closer together, and for a while, she did. Eventually though, my husband seemed more and more unhappy and it became obvious that he resented the situation. Sure, we’ve had some good times and I wouldn’t trade my daughter for anything in the world. There are days when he’s sweet to both of us and this does make me feel loved. But there are also days when I think he just wants to pack his bags and leave us. I don’t know what to do. I want a stable home for my daughter, but don’t I deserve someone who really loves me?”

Of course she deserved to feel loved. Everyone does. However, I have to say that claims made in anger aren’t always true. It’s quite possible that the husband was only trying to get a reaction and knew the precise words which were going to cut the deepest. This couple had been together for a year and a half before the wife became pregnant. Clearly, there was something other than their daughter that was drawing them together over that relatively long period of time. I think this was a situation which could potentially be worked out which I will discuss below.

Do Not Allow For Your Husband’s Hurtful Claim That He Doesn’t Love You Now (And Has Never Loved You) To Derail You From Getting What You Really Want: Feeling loved is an inherent desire that we all share. Everyone who has invested time and emotion into a relationship very much want the pay off of knowing that all of the feelings are mutual. No one wants to feel as though they are the only person experiencing love in the relationship. Everyone wants to feel desired and special.

With that said though, both people in the relationship know this. So, pulling the rug out from under someone is a surefire way to get the hurtful response that you are looking for. There’s no doubt in my mind that this husband knew full well that claiming not to love this wife was going to be the most hurtful (and hard hitting) thing which he could possibly say to her.

And, yes, it got the desired result. After those words were spoken, she retreated and stopped nagging him to spend more time with her and to treat her better. And this is likely precisely what he wanted anyway.

However, after listening to this couple’s history, I just did not buy that this man had never loved this woman. He had spent much of their time together working quite hard to raise the funds to build a home for them. He made sure to buy into a neighborhood with the best schools for their daughter. He regularly surprised the wife with books because he knew that reading was one thing she missed as a busy parent to a toddler. Some of the things he did showed that he loved, understood, and valued his wife very much.

But, it was also very clear that he felt pressured and afraid with all of the new responsibility on his shoulders. These negative feelings may have been at least in part behind him recently lashing out at her. And, although these behaviors were hurtful (and frankly unacceptable,) I honestly didn’t feel that the whole truth was behind them.

Try to Approach it From a Place of Solutions Rather than Resentment and Pain: So, where does the wife go from here? Looking at it from the surface, this is a tough situation. It hurts to hear those kinds of statements. But, I felt very strongly that the wife had to step back and ask herself what she really wanted the most. It seemed relatively clear to me that she wanted to be part of a loving and stable family. Her daughter was a wonderful reality. She was here in the present time. Whatever happened in the past needed to stay there.

Right now, the most important thing was for them to raise their family in a loving environment that fulfilled them both. They were relatively young and had all kinds of time to learn new behaviors that weren’t based on pushing each other’s emotional buttons.

A Positive Way to Address it: I felt strongly that the wife should try to put the hurtful words behind her and address this with her husband. The things he said were hurtful and needed to stop. Besides that, no one had spoke of what he had said for days. It needed to be addressed. I suggested that the wife approach her husband when she could be calm and know that she wasn’t going to engage with them.

Then, I suggested that she say something like: “Your saying that you don’t love me now and never loved me really hurt me. It wasn’t a fair thing for you to say, but I suspect that you don’t really mean it. I don’t want for either of us to fall into these patterns. We both grew up in volatile homes and I don’t want this for our daughter. I know that the way we got married and started our family wasn’t planned. But we are here now and we have to move forward in a positive way. I love you and I want to work with you to lighten both of our loads so that we aren’t snapping at each other because of all the pressure we are under. Will you work with me to create the loving family that we both want and deserve? Let’s stop hurting each other. We’re better than that.”

Now, the husband may not fall into the wife’s arms and spew apologies like she was hoping for, but dealing with this in a loving and honest way was going to begin to break those destructive habits and patterns that had formed. And, if the two of them were able to alleviate some of the tension and stress, I suspected that those hurtful phrases about not loving the wife were going to hopefully stop.

By: Leslie Cane: Needless to say, wives of husbands who want to separate typically have a lot of questions that they want answered. But, they intuitively realize that this is a delicate situation and they aren’t quite sure which questions to ask and how to ask them.

I often hear comments like “Should I ask him if he wants to separate because there is someone else? Should I ask him if she still loves me? Should I ask him if we’re ultimately going to get a divorce? Should I ask him why he’s doing this to us?” I will try to address these concerns in the following article.

When Questioning Your Husband About His Wish For A Separation, Try To Focus On What Is Right In Front Of You Rather Than On The Long Term: Of course, the most pressing question for many wives in this situation is “will this eventually lead to us getting a divorce?” But, asking this might only intensify the issue even though it’s a legitimate question.

In my experience, the best result will often come if you limit yourself to the immediate future rather than demanding answers about the faraway outcome which he may not envision yet anyway. What good is it to keep pressing for an answer about where the separation is going to lead and then rush him into an answer that might be the one that you don’t want?

Try to Avoid Vague Questions You Know He Likely Won’t Answer: Another sticky situation question focuses on the why. Many of us want to know why. We think that if he can just get us an answer, we can begin to whittle away at his thought process and perhaps have a shot at changing his mind. However, sometimes this tactic can backfire because the husband becomes frustrated at the litany of questions and eventually wants to distance himself even more just to avoid all of the rapid fire grilling.

Focus On Short Term Questions that He and Will Answer: Sometimes, it is better to set things up to resolve as best as you can in the short term and let the rest work itself out.

Some things that you may want to clarify is how he envisions things working while you are separated. Does he plan to check in? Will you be communicating regularly? Can the two of you work together to set some ground rules or to make some improvements?

What You Might Want To Ask If You Sense He Isn’t Sure About The Separation: Some women want to question their husbands because they get the sense that he’s not 100 percent sure about or committed to actually separating.

Sometimes, they suspect that all of this separation talk is just his way to try to get their attention (and sometimes, they are right about this.) In this case, although it’s tempting to want to say, “Why are you doing this?,” you are better off asking opened ended but non accusatory questions that make him think that you really are on his side and want him to be happy.

A good example of this would be something like, “If you could have this situation work out any way that you wanted for it to, what would you want to happen? What is it that would make you more happy and content than you are right now? Is there anything that I can do to make this happen?”

Do you see the difference? You aren’t taking an accusatory tone and you aren’t giving him the impression that you are only interested in changing his mind. Instead, you are offering to listen to what he has to say and letting him know that you really do care what is making him unhappy and want to help him fix it. This will usually get you a lot further because he will realize that you are on his side and are an ally.

If Your Husband Is Going To Go Ahead With The Separation No Matter What You Ask Or Say: Sometimes, no matter which questions you ask, your husband is going to feel that he just needs or wants the separation. And I know from experience that this is a scary place to be. It can be heartbreaking to let him go ahead when you don’t know what tomorrow brings.

But sometimes, this is the right call. Sometimes, it is best to spin this in a positive way and feign confidence that you know you are meant to be together and that it will work out. In the meantime, it helps to paint yourself in the best light as is possible. He may change his mind and the separation won’t happen. But, if not, you want him to remember that you are still his partner,you still love him, and are still vibrant and self respecting enough to use this time on yourself and to your own advantage.

by: Leslie Cane:  It can be an awful feeling when you know your husband is thinking about a divorce, and it feels like there isn’t much you can do about it.

A wife in this situation might say: “My husband admitted to me last night that he’s been thinking about a divorce a lot lately. This doesn’t completely surprise me. We’ve been having some problems for a while. But they are not problems that I would think should mean the end of a marriage. The economy has caused a lot of issues and stress for us. We’ve become a bit disconnected. And, I suspect that he’s been confiding too much in a female coworker who’s now encouraging him to divorce me. This breaks my heart. I just keep remembering the wonderful relationship that we used to have. And I know that this isn’t over for me. But, I don’t know what to do. If he wants a divorce, does this mean that it’s over and I just have to give him one? Is there anything that I can do to change his mind or to improve things?” There were many questions and issues brought up here. In the following article, I will try to address them.

Don’t Focus All Of Your Attention On What He’s Thinking. Focus On The Actions That  Take Instead: It’s not uncommon to see wives in this situation become almost obsessed with their husband’s thought process at this time. They want to know exactly what he’s thinking, why he is thinking this way, and what, exactly it’s going to take to change his mind. I know this because, when I was in this same situation, this is exactly what I did.

But, here’s the problem with that strategy. What man do you know that is willing (and much less able) to share his thought process with you? More than this, men often see right through this strategy and will either guard their thoughts like a crown jewel or resent that you even asked. Sometimes, they’ll even assume that you’re only trying to know what they are thinking so that you can argue with them, try to prove them wrong, or thwart their need to be truly happy.

This is probably not the stance you want to take, nor is it the situation that you want to find yourself in. And, the real risk that I find with focusing so much on his thoughts is that many times, this becomes your sole focus and then you dwell only upon the negative and the fear that it brings you. Often, his thoughts about the divorce become your thoughts and this whole thing becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.

What’s even worse than that, though, is allowing for the fears and the hyper focus on the negative to keep you from taking the action that might help you to fix some of the issues and to avoid the divorce ever moving forward in the first place.

What you often need (instead of trying or hoping to read his mind) is a plan to change his mind. You can’t read, demand, or control his thoughts. But, if you play your cards right, you might be able to influence them and give them a gentle nudge in the direction you want them to go. In my opinion and experience, this should be your focus on instead.

Encouraging Him To Change His Perceptions About A Divorce Without Making It Too Obvious: This wife was in a situation where she knew some of the issues that were clouding her husband’s perceptions. Therefore, she really did know where to start, even if she feared that she didn’t. To me, the best place to start was the disconnect that they were experiencing. And, debating with her husband or trying to show him where he was wrong was only going to make him feel more disconnected from her.

In my observation, the best strategy is often strategically placing your cards on the table.

Rather than dancing around or being negative about the issues, she could spin them and jump on his side. She could tell him that while it’s not a secret that his thinking about a divorce was extremely distressing to her, she absolutely agreed that the marriage needed some drastic improvements and that she too, was tired of not being as happy as they both should be. She should stress that she wants for them to be happy and for them to maintain positive interactions going forward since her relationship with him (in whatever form this took) was too important to act in a way that was going to deteriorate it.

Depending on the husband’s reaction, she could offer to give him some space. She could offer to stay with family or friends while he sorts things out. (This keeps him from leaving and from potentially not coming back or moving forward with the divorce.) If he did insist on leaving, she could ask that he commit to not file for divorce for a certain period of time. Whether he agreed to this or not, the plan should be the same – which should be to begin to change his perceptions about her and about the marriage.

Focus On The Things That Have Brought About Positive Perceptions In The Past: Always remember the things your husband found attractive and appealing about you in the past. The truth is that a scared, desperate, and overly emotional woman is not considered to be all that appealing to most men. Desperation brings about guilt feelings that they want to escape. Even if you don’t at all feel that you are, always try to appear positive, empathetic, confident, and that you are coping in a surprisingly positive way. Go out with friends or do whatever it takes to put a genuine smile on your face when you interact with him. Sometimes this newfound control will make him pause and he’ll want to dig a little deeper to see what brought about this change.

And this is usually going to be where your opportunity is. At some point in time, this husband and wife were going to need to address their financial and intimacy issues. However, the early stages were, in my opinion, not the time to do this. The husband was likely not going to be receptive until he began to feel connected to his wife again.

By: Leslie Cane: Many of the wives that read my articles are opposed to a divorce. Usually, their husbands are the ones pushing to end the marriage while they’re trying to do everything in their power to save it. For many wives, a divorce is the absolute worst-case scenario.

A wife might say: “To me, divorce is a failure. It’s giving up when you don’t have to. It’s throwing your family away without trying everything in your power to make things right. To me, marriage is forever and divorce isn’t an option. Unfortunately, my husband doesn’t feel the same way. He’s ready to just walk away and it’s not fair. He knows how opposed I am to divorcing, and yet he’s moving forward anyway. And now I feel like I have no choice but to allow him to end our marriage even though it’s not over for me. What can I do?”

I very much understand how this wife feels because I was in the same situation. You can feel very isolated and lonely. Because, at the end of the day, it’s nearly impossible to “make” or “get” someone to save the marriage without there being a good deal of resentment that’s going to ruin the relationship anyway. But yes, divorce was the one thing I didn’t want to happen. And, I felt that if I let it happen, it was going to be my life’s biggest failure. It absolutely broke my heart to think that my husband might be moving on with his life without me. I floored me to think that there might be a time when we weren’t a couple and that I would not have him in my life anymore.

But here’s the rub. The more you get caught up in opposing the divorce, typically the more your husband wants it. The whole thing becomes a relationship catch 22 because it forces you to cling more tightly than what might be comfortable or typical for you. Few husbands react well to these kinds of amplified emotions that are directed exactly toward them. In the following article, I’ll discuss some ways to find common ground when he wants the divorce that you simply can’t bear the thought of.

Define Those Things About The Divorce That Are The Most Objectionable And Painful To You: Sometimes, when you’re dealing with a very vague enemy, it’s quite hard to make things better because you don’t have specific issues to address. Merely saying that you can’t bear the thought of being divorced doesn’t really tell us all that much. It helps if you can make a list of those things that are most upsetting to you and then try to tackle those in a methodical way.

For example, most people in this situation are operating under the guise of fear and don’t much like treading on this new territory. Some common things that you’re grieving are often the loss of a family, the loss of the relationship with your husband, and the change of your lifestyle and the people in it. It really can help to try to work through these issues individually. Because if you can do this, you’re behaviors and your interactions with your husband will often change for the better (at least in his eyes) and this makes it easier for you to open up a new batch of opportunities.

If losing the relationship scares you, then approach your husband about trying to maintain it, even if the definition of it changes. (And it may only change temporarily. But re-defining it gives you a place to start.) In other words, whatever the fears are underneath the larger objection to the divorce, try to break them down and deal with them in a smaller way, rather than trying to combat a huge and vague fear which just seems too overwhelming anyway.

Understand That Sometimes, Stalling, Avoiding, Or Stopping The Divorce Means Not Fighting Against It In Negative Ways: Honestly, I believe that most women who tell me that a divorce is their worst case scenario are focusing on ways to stop the divorce rather than on ways to cope and adjust to it. This is completely understandable and I did the exact same thing. But, it’s so important to understand that if you’re reacting badly and focusing on the negative in order to guilt, shame, or beg your husband into reconsidering the divorce, you’re likely making the very thing that you fear the most that much more likely.

A husband’s wanting a divorce is most likely his reaction to being somewhat unhappy in the relationship and then thinking that nothing about that same relationship is going to change. So in order to change his mind about it, he has to see that he can feel positive emotions that stem from your relationship again. And, this in turn shows him that he was wrong in his assumptions that nothing was ever going to change.

I know it might sound as though I’m suggesting a very risky proposition. But, stalling, stopping, or delaying a divorce has so much more to do with the strategy of throwing negative emotions at the problem. Your husband is likely expecting you to act or react in a very predictable way. For this reason, he’s likely bracing himself to tune you out, to ignore you, or to just say things to pacify you with no real intention of following up.

If you want to change the way that he sees you and the marriage, you must change your message. It might be a decent idea to stop stressing how the divorce is the worst, most heartbreaking idea that you ever heard and then change your focus onto just rehabilitating the relationship. Stress that you can’t change his mind or alter his feelings, but because he’s so important to you, it’s vital that you can maintain a positive relationship. By doing this, you’re trying to ensure that one of your worst fears doesn’t actually come true, and you’ve likely gained yourself more access to him during which time you can try to change those perceptions that are driving him toward the divorce.