What Questions To Ask Your Husband If He Wants To Separate

By: Leslie Cane: Needless to say, wives of husbands who want to separate typically have a lot of questions that they want answered. But, they intuitively realize that this is a delicate situation and they aren’t quite sure which questions to ask and how to ask them.

I often hear comments like “Should I ask him if he wants to separate because there is someone else? Should I ask him if she still loves me? Should I ask him if we’re ultimately going to get a divorce? Should I ask him why he’s doing this to us?” I will try to address these concerns in the following article.

When Questioning Your Husband About His Wish For A Separation, Try To Focus On What Is Right In Front Of You Rather Than On The Long Term: Of course, the most pressing question for many wives in this situation is “will this eventually lead to us getting a divorce?” But, asking this might only intensify the issue even though it’s a legitimate question.

In my experience, the best result will often come if you limit yourself to the immediate future rather than demanding answers about the faraway outcome which he may not envision yet anyway. What good is it to keep pressing for an answer about where the separation is going to lead and then rush him into an answer that might be the one that you don’t want?

Try to Avoid Vague Questions You Know He Likely Won’t Answer: Another sticky situation question focuses on the why. Many of us want to know why. We think that if he can just get us an answer, we can begin to whittle away at his thought process and perhaps have a shot at changing his mind. However, sometimes this tactic can backfire because the husband becomes frustrated at the litany of questions and eventually wants to distance himself even more just to avoid all of the rapid fire grilling.

Focus On Short Term Questions that He and Will Answer: Sometimes, it is better to set things up to resolve as best as you can in the short term and let the rest work itself out.

Some things that you may want to clarify is how he envisions things working while you are separated. Does he plan to check in? Will you be communicating regularly? Can the two of you work together to set some ground rules or to make some improvements?

What You Might Want To Ask If You Sense He Isn’t Sure About The Separation: Some women want to question their husbands because they get the sense that he’s not 100 percent sure about or committed to actually separating.

Sometimes, they suspect that all of this separation talk is just his way to try to get their attention (and sometimes, they are right about this.) In this case, although it’s tempting to want to say, “Why are you doing this?,” you are better off asking opened ended but non accusatory questions that make him think that you really are on his side and want him to be happy.

A good example of this would be something like, “If you could have this situation work out any way that you wanted for it to, what would you want to happen? What is it that would make you more happy and content than you are right now? Is there anything that I can do to make this happen?”

Do you see the difference? You aren’t taking an accusatory tone and you aren’t giving him the impression that you are only interested in changing his mind. Instead, you are offering to listen to what he has to say and letting him know that you really do care what is making him unhappy and want to help him fix it. This will usually get you a lot further because he will realize that you are on his side and are an ally.

If Your Husband Is Going To Go Ahead With The Separation No Matter What You Ask Or Say: Sometimes, no matter which questions you ask, your husband is going to feel that he just needs or wants the separation. And I know from experience that this is a scary place to be. It can be heartbreaking to let him go ahead when you don’t know what tomorrow brings.

But sometimes, this is the right call. Sometimes, it is best to spin this in a positive way and feign confidence that you know you are meant to be together and that it will work out. In the meantime, it helps to paint yourself in the best light as is possible. He may change his mind and the separation won’t happen. But, if not, you want him to remember that you are still his partner,you still love him, and are still vibrant and self respecting enough to use this time on yourself and to your own advantage.

It was my husband, not me, who wanted the separation. I knew that it wasn’t over for me but I drew on negative emotions and this seriously backfired. Thankfully, I changed course and eventually saved our marriage. You can read a that story on my blog at https://isavedmymarriage.com/

 

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Tips For When Your Husband Is Thinking About A Divorce

by: Leslie Cane:  It can be an awful feeling when you know your husband is thinking about a divorce, and it feels like there isn’t much you can do about it.

A wife in this situation might say: “My husband admitted to me last night that he’s been thinking about a divorce a lot lately. This doesn’t completely surprise me. We’ve been having some problems for a while. But they are not problems that I would think should mean the end of a marriage. The economy has caused a lot of issues and stress for us. We’ve become a bit disconnected. And, I suspect that he’s been confiding too much in a female coworker who’s now encouraging him to divorce me. This breaks my heart. I just keep remembering the wonderful relationship that we used to have. And I know that this isn’t over for me. But, I don’t know what to do. If he wants a divorce, does this mean that it’s over and I just have to give him one? Is there anything that I can do to change his mind or to improve things?” There were many questions and issues brought up here. In the following article, I will try to address them.

Don’t Focus All Of Your Attention On What He’s Thinking. Focus On The Actions That  Take Instead: It’s not uncommon to see wives in this situation become almost obsessed with their husband’s thought process at this time. They want to know exactly what he’s thinking, why he is thinking this way, and what, exactly it’s going to take to change his mind. I know this because, when I was in this same situation, this is exactly what I did.

But, here’s the problem with that strategy. What man do you know that is willing (and much less able) to share his thought process with you? More than this, men often see right through this strategy and will either guard their thoughts like a crown jewel or resent that you even asked. Sometimes, they’ll even assume that you’re only trying to know what they are thinking so that you can argue with them, try to prove them wrong, or thwart their need to be truly happy.

This is probably not the stance you want to take, nor is it the situation that you want to find yourself in. And, the real risk that I find with focusing so much on his thoughts is that many times, this becomes your sole focus and then you dwell only upon the negative and the fear that it brings you. Often, his thoughts about the divorce become your thoughts and this whole thing becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.

What’s even worse than that, though, is allowing for the fears and the hyper focus on the negative to keep you from taking the action that might help you to fix some of the issues and to avoid the divorce ever moving forward in the first place.

What you often need (instead of trying or hoping to read his mind) is a plan to change his mind. You can’t read, demand, or control his thoughts. But, if you play your cards right, you might be able to influence them and give them a gentle nudge in the direction you want them to go. In my opinion and experience, this should be your focus on instead.

Encouraging Him To Change His Perceptions About A Divorce Without Making It Too Obvious: This wife was in a situation where she knew some of the issues that were clouding her husband’s perceptions. Therefore, she really did know where to start, even if she feared that she didn’t. To me, the best place to start was the disconnect that they were experiencing. And, debating with her husband or trying to show him where he was wrong was only going to make him feel more disconnected from her.

In my observation, the best strategy is often strategically placing your cards on the table.

Rather than dancing around or being negative about the issues, she could spin them and jump on his side. She could tell him that while it’s not a secret that his thinking about a divorce was extremely distressing to her, she absolutely agreed that the marriage needed some drastic improvements and that she too, was tired of not being as happy as they both should be. She should stress that she wants for them to be happy and for them to maintain positive interactions going forward since her relationship with him (in whatever form this took) was too important to act in a way that was going to deteriorate it.

Depending on the husband’s reaction, she could offer to give him some space. She could offer to stay with family or friends while he sorts things out. (This keeps him from leaving and from potentially not coming back or moving forward with the divorce.) If he did insist on leaving, she could ask that he commit to not file for divorce for a certain period of time. Whether he agreed to this or not, the plan should be the same – which should be to begin to change his perceptions about her and about the marriage.

Focus On The Things That Have Brought About Positive Perceptions In The Past: Always remember the things your husband found attractive and appealing about you in the past. The truth is that a scared, desperate, and overly emotional woman is not considered to be all that appealing to most men. Desperation brings about guilt feelings that they want to escape. Even if you don’t at all feel that you are, always try to appear positive, empathetic, confident, and that you are coping in a surprisingly positive way. Go out with friends or do whatever it takes to put a genuine smile on your face when you interact with him. Sometimes this newfound control will make him pause and he’ll want to dig a little deeper to see what brought about this change.

And this is usually going to be where your opportunity is. At some point in time, this husband and wife were going to need to address their financial and intimacy issues. However, the early stages were, in my opinion, not the time to do this. The husband was likely not going to be receptive until he began to feel connected to his wife again.

When my husband initiated a divorce, I did not understand these principles and I went about saving the marriage in the completely wrong way. I stooped to negative behavior that only drove my husband further away. Thankfully, I soon realized my mistake and decided to approach things from another angle and this eventually worked. You can read that story on my blog at https://isavedmymarriage.com/.

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My Spouse Only Wants Contact By Phone During Our Trial Separation. How Do I Handle This?

By: Leslie Cane: Many separated wives find that their husband is trying to keep them at a far distance during their trial separation. The wife may have hoped that the separation would make things better. But when she finds her husband being resistant to her, it can cause her to wonder if her marriage even stands a chance.

A comment that I might hear in this situation is an example like: “I’m not the one who wanted the separation. My husband was. I resisted for a long time. But eventually, he made it pretty clear that if I didn’t agree to the separation, he’d have no choice but to pursue a divorce. So I reluctantly agreed, but only after he assured me that he would stay in close contact and that we would still see each other and keep in regular face to face communication. Well, part of this is true. He does call me regularly. But every time I mention coming by or the two of us getting together, my husband balks at this. He says that he needs more time and that he is not ready for that yet. Part of me is considering just showing up at his apartment and hoping that he will let me in, but another part of me is afraid that he’s discouraging the face to face contact because he is seeing someone else. I’m grateful to be communicating by phone, but I need more than this. How can I get him to see me face to face? I want personal contact. He’s my husband. I shouldn’t have to communicate with him by phone only.”

I agree with this wife that the phone contact isn’t the ideal. And I absolutely understand why she wanted and needed more. But I also know, by my own experience, that sometimes you have to settle for what you can easily obtain while you are setting the groundwork to obtain more. Because if you push too hard too soon, you might put yourself in a situation where your husband starts to taper off (or even end) the phone contact. That is the last thing that you want. Once he stops the phone contact, you might have an extremely difficult time re-establishing any contact at all without appearing too desperate.

Try Building Upon What You Already Have First: I know that this may not be what you want to hear, but it’s my opinion and experience that you are often better off gradually building upon what you already have. What I mean by this is that the best idea, at least in my opinion, is to continue on with the phone conversations with enough enthusiasm that they become more and more frequent and more and more pleasurable for both of you. Because if you can set it up to where you’re both laughing and looking forward to your phone conversations, then the next logical step would be to meet. And in this way, you haven’t applied any pressure. You haven’t laid on any guilt. And your husband has very willingly and very naturally moved forward.

This is so much better than just showing up at his apartment one day and being rejected or risking him pulling back from you. It’s best if he is a willing participant in every bit of the process. You don’t want to force anything on him and face rejection.

The “Coincidental” Meeting Strategy: Another option would be to run into him at a time where you know where he is going to be and to make it look like a coincidence. However, because this strategy runs a high risk of not actually being believable, I believe that it should be a last resort. I believe it’s best to try to build on the phone conversations in a very natural way before you resort to the “accidental meeting” strategy. Many husbands will see right through this. They will doubt that you just happened to be at the same place at the same time. And as a result, they may start to avoid you.

I know that you want more than phone conversations. But know that if you play this correctly and you move gradually, this phase of your separation won’t last forever. As you resist applying pressure and as things continue to improve between you, then it’s probable that he will just naturally want to see you face to face after a little while.

Unfortunately, in my own situation I didn’t follow this advice.  I took to just showing up places and this infuriated my husband so much that it almost caused a divorce.  I had to do about complete about-face and regroup in order to save my marriage. If it helps, you can read more on my blog at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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I Can’t Even Fathom Getting A Divorce. But My Husband Wants One

By: Leslie Cane: Many of the wives that read my articles are opposed to a divorce. Usually, their husbands are the ones pushing to end the marriage while they’re trying to do everything in their power to save it. For many wives, a divorce is the absolute worst-case scenario.

A wife might say: “To me, divorce is a failure. It’s giving up when you don’t have to. It’s throwing your family away without trying everything in your power to make things right. To me, marriage is forever and divorce isn’t an option. Unfortunately, my husband doesn’t feel the same way. He’s ready to just walk away and it’s not fair. He knows how opposed I am to divorcing, and yet he’s moving forward anyway. And now I feel like I have no choice but to allow him to end our marriage even though it’s not over for me. What can I do?”

I very much understand how this wife feels because I was in the same situation. You can feel very isolated and lonely. Because, at the end of the day, it’s nearly impossible to “make” or “get” someone to save the marriage without there being a good deal of resentment that’s going to ruin the relationship anyway. But yes, divorce was the one thing I didn’t want to happen. And, I felt that if I let it happen, it was going to be my life’s biggest failure. It absolutely broke my heart to think that my husband might be moving on with his life without me. I floored me to think that there might be a time when we weren’t a couple and that I would not have him in my life anymore.

But here’s the rub. The more you get caught up in opposing the divorce, typically the more your husband wants it. The whole thing becomes a relationship catch 22 because it forces you to cling more tightly than what might be comfortable or typical for you. Few husbands react well to these kinds of amplified emotions that are directed exactly toward them. In the following article, I’ll discuss some ways to find common ground when he wants the divorce that you simply can’t bear the thought of.

Define Those Things About The Divorce That Are The Most Objectionable And Painful To You: Sometimes, when you’re dealing with a very vague enemy, it’s quite hard to make things better because you don’t have specific issues to address. Merely saying that you can’t bear the thought of being divorced doesn’t really tell us all that much. It helps if you can make a list of those things that are most upsetting to you and then try to tackle those in a methodical way.

For example, most people in this situation are operating under the guise of fear and don’t much like treading on this new territory. Some common things that you’re grieving are often the loss of a family, the loss of the relationship with your husband, and the change of your lifestyle and the people in it. It really can help to try to work through these issues individually. Because if you can do this, you’re behaviors and your interactions with your husband will often change for the better (at least in his eyes) and this makes it easier for you to open up a new batch of opportunities.

If losing the relationship scares you, then approach your husband about trying to maintain it, even if the definition of it changes. (And it may only change temporarily. But re-defining it gives you a place to start.) In other words, whatever the fears are underneath the larger objection to the divorce, try to break them down and deal with them in a smaller way, rather than trying to combat a huge and vague fear which just seems too overwhelming anyway.

Understand That Sometimes, Stalling, Avoiding, Or Stopping The Divorce Means Not Fighting Against It In Negative Ways: Honestly, I believe that most women who tell me that a divorce is their worst case scenario are focusing on ways to stop the divorce rather than on ways to cope and adjust to it. This is completely understandable and I did the exact same thing. But, it’s so important to understand that if you’re reacting badly and focusing on the negative in order to guilt, shame, or beg your husband into reconsidering the divorce, you’re likely making the very thing that you fear the most that much more likely.

A husband’s wanting a divorce is most likely his reaction to being somewhat unhappy in the relationship and then thinking that nothing about that same relationship is going to change. So in order to change his mind about it, he has to see that he can feel positive emotions that stem from your relationship again. And, this in turn shows him that he was wrong in his assumptions that nothing was ever going to change.

I know it might sound as though I’m suggesting a very risky proposition. But, stalling, stopping, or delaying a divorce has so much more to do with the strategy of throwing negative emotions at the problem. Your husband is likely expecting you to act or react in a very predictable way. For this reason, he’s likely bracing himself to tune you out, to ignore you, or to just say things to pacify you with no real intention of following up.

If you want to change the way that he sees you and the marriage, you must change your message. It might be a decent idea to stop stressing how the divorce is the worst, most heartbreaking idea that you ever heard and then change your focus onto just rehabilitating the relationship. Stress that you can’t change his mind or alter his feelings, but because he’s so important to you, it’s vital that you can maintain a positive relationship. By doing this, you’re trying to ensure that one of your worst fears doesn’t actually come true, and you’ve likely gained yourself more access to him during which time you can try to change those perceptions that are driving him toward the divorce.

It was my husband (and not me) who was pushing for the divorce. My behaviors were based on fear and did nothing to help my cause. Thankfully, I realized my strategy wasn’t working and changed my thinking. I used some of the tactics that I discussed here (sloppily at first) and they eventually worked. You can read more on my blog at https://isavedmymarriage.com/

 

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My Separated Husband Says I Don’t Understand Him

By: Leslie Cane: When you are separated but don’t want to be, you’re often looking for any opportunity to feel closer to your separated husband. One way you might try to do this is to get him to talk to you and share his feelings. You figure if you can continue to communicate, then at least you have a chance to build upon that and eventually reconnect.

But what happens if he doesn’t want to communicate with you due to an allegation that you believe is untrue? Namely, that you wouldn’t understand anyway or that you don’t understand him at all.

A wife might say, “I am desperately trying to maintain a feeling of closeness with my separated husband. I try to communicate with him once every day since he is the one who wanted more time away from me. There have been times when he willingly takes my calls, but lately, he seems much more reluctant to talk to me. I can’t bring myself to give up because if I do, I could see us drifting apart and getting to the point of no return. So yesterday, when it was like pulling teeth to get my husband to talk to me, I asked him why it seemed so painful for him to converse. His response was that it was a waste of time because I don’t understand him anyway, and I most definitely do not understand his life right now – so I can in no way have a meaningful conversation with him.”  

“This is hogwash. I’ve known him for many years. We have shared a life together. I know his deepest fears and his most prevalent wishes. I tried to explain this to him, but he won’t hear it and merely says that our lives are different now and I don’t understand him in our new lives. Again, this is all hogwash, but he won’t listen to me. How can I manage this? I do not want to back off on communications with him, but it is hard to have a real conversation if he will not open up because he thinks I don’t understand him.”

Why You Might Be Seeing This Behavior: I completely get your concern. I often encourage separated wives to do every reasonable thing to maintain communication. However, there is a caveat with that. Sometimes, if your communication is actually damaging the relationship or making things more awkward or tense, then it sometimes makes sense to at least reevaluate how you are communicating. There are some common reasons that a separated husband will think you don’t understand him, as well as some reasons that he might back away from communication. I will discuss these things below. 

Why a Separated Husband Might Think You “Don’t Understand” Him:  Whether your husband wants to admit it or not, both of your emotional lives have likely changed dramatically. And that type of swing might leave you struggling in various ways even if you think you are coping or are happy. 

Granted, the things he is juggling or dealing with may well be different than the things with which you are juggling. His feelings may be quite a bit different than yours since he willingly wanted this separation. And that may well be what he means when he tells you you do not understand.  

He is looking at it from the perspective of someone who willingly took this on, and you are not. He may also think that no person can feel what someone else is feeling or having the same thoughts. He may think that he can’t adequately explain these things, so it’s easier to just proclaim you don’t understand. 

Still, that doesn’t mean that you aren’t struggling with the same issues of uncertainty – even if he doesn’t realize it. And it doesn’t mean that you wouldn’t try your best to put yourself in his shoes.

And while you may understand all of this and want him to understand it too, he might not be at the place where he is willing to – at least just yet.

Why a Separated Husband Might Back Away From Communication and Use the “Understanding” as a Reason:  Many separated husbands will balk at constant communication – especially when they were the ones who initiated the separation. They suspect that your reason for wanting to communicate so often is to determine what they are feeling and therefore what they might want.

They often don’t have a quick answer for you. In the same way that you are, they’re trying to feel their way and get used to this new normal. Like you, they’ve not been separated before, and they may not be sure how they feel – but they know that you want to know – and are using the communication to try to figure it out.

Therefore, they might keep you at arm’s length to avoid that kind of scrutiny and pressure. I’m not saying it is wrong of you to want to know what your husband is thinking. I most definitely felt that during my own separation. But I am trying to explain why you might be seeing the behavior that you are.

A Way to Proceed That Won’t Cause More Harm:  I know firsthand that it’s tempting to try to communicate even more to goad him into talking frankly with you. I did that. It was a mistake. It backfired. After I did it, my husband communicated with me even less than before and was less happy to hear from me when I did manage to get him on the phone.

Instead of making the mistakes I did, you want to learn how to gauge your husband’s response to you and proceed accordingly. I know that it is difficult to be this brutally honest with yourself, but it can help tremendously. When your husband is standoffish, tells you that you don’t understand, or just isn’t receptive, you might tell him that you’re trying your very best to support him, and then give it a few days to calm down.

Don’t keep going back at him if he’s made it clear he isn’t receptive. Give him time to notice your absence, and he might see things a bit differently in short order. 

I know that I’m asking you to do the very thing you fear – to tone down communication for just a bit – but I know from experience that pushing can get you the opposite of what you want. And it can make the separation longer and more awkward. You can read about how I eventually turned things around during my own separation and reconciled at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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I Suspect My Disgruntled Husband Wants Me to Leave. That’s the Last Thing I Want

By: Leslie Cane: It’s an awful feeling when you know that a marital separation might be on the horizon. It’s an even worse feeling when you suspect that your spouse is strongly hinting that you should be the one to leave. Often, this is your home and where you feel the most comfortable. And, assuming that you are still invested in your marriage, you can intuitively know that once you leave, it may be difficult to find a way back.

Someone might explain: “my husband is not being at all shy about telling me that he is pretty sure that he wants a separation. He is very fond of telling me how very unhappy he is. Last night, he said that I had to know that we were headed for a separation and he stated that when this happens, he is pretty sure that I am the one who should move out. My husband was renting our house when I met him. However, when we got married, we bought the house together. So I can see how he thinks that this was his house for longer than it was mine, but I have been making joint payments on it for years. More than that, though, it’s my home and I do not want to leave. I also do not want to walk out on my marriage. I am not even thinking mostly about finances right now. I am thinking that if I leave, I might end up divorced and that is definitely not what I want.”

“I can’t point to any big problem that we have. It’s just that we have grown apart and we seem to annoy one another and then fight over stupid things. But no one committed any deal breakers or anything. So I just do not understand why I can not at least try to work it out. It seems very premature to just assume that I’m going to willingly leave my home. He’s heavily hinting that I should leave, but I certainly don’t want to. The mortgage is in both of our names. And I really don’t want to leave the only home that I’ve known for years.”

Why Moving Out May Feel Premature: I don’t blame you. I’m not an attorney and would not dream of giving legal advice. But from a relationship standpoint, I would think that it would be in your best interest to stay put, if at all possible. I know that in some cases, this is not feasible as the situation has become toxic or even dangerous, but that does not seem to be the case here. It simply sounds as if you and your husband are not clicking in the way that you used to, so your husband is starting to think that it would make the most sense to live apart.

I think that the word that you’re already used which best describes the situation is “premature.” If you haven’t yet tried giving your husband space while the two of you still live together, or you haven’t tried counseling (or at least talking about what needs to happen in order to improve things,) then I would agree with you that it’s very premature.

In my own observations, once someone moves out, it’s more difficult to reconcile simply because you no longer have the proximity to one another. Your spouse can avoid you if he wants and then you’re left to make unfortunate and worrisome assumptions, which can only increase the distance and awkwardness between you. That’s not to say that you can’t reconcile after living apart. I did it, but I believe that it was made more difficult by the living arrangements.

Having a Candid Conversation: I don’t think that it would hurt to share your hesitation with your husband. That’s certainly a better option than just moving out and praying that you will one day be able to move back in, with no guarantees. I would try something like: “I don’t necessarily agree that we need to be headed toward a separation or even living separately. I understand that things aren’t great, but we haven’t even tried to work it out. There are many things that could be tried before we make the very drastic and life-altering decision to break up our marriage. Speaking of life-altering, I also don’t agree with just picking up and leaving my home. If you think that we need space from one another, then I certainly believe that this could be accomplished by occupying different parts of the house for a while. I do not like the idea of just leaving before we’ve even tried to make things right. I am willing to do whatever is necessary to make things good again. I believe that this is possible. And I definitely don’t believe that just throwing up our hands and one of us packing our bags is the right solution. That sounds very premature to me. Why don’t we brainstorm some things to try first?”

Then, listen to what he has to say. He may have just been testing you when he suggested that you move out. Perhaps he will be receptive to trying to improve things before you move toward a separation. I can tell you first hand that a separation is very difficult emotionally. (You can read about mine at https://isavedmymarriage.com) If you can avoid it, that would certainly be best. You can certainly save your marriage if you separate, but why go through that if you don’t have to?

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Does My Separated Husband Feel Any Guilt for Wanting a Divorce?

By: Leslie Cane: Many wives who never wanted to separate are looking for a crack in the wall where their separation is concerned. What I mean by that is because they don’t want to be separated and are terrified of getting a divorce, they’re looking for a crack somewhere that they can exploit to change their separated husband’s mind. 

And one crack that they might try to use is guilt. Typically, their husband is the one who wanted the separation or divorce. He’s the one who is considering ruining their family. He is the one who is going to put an end to the marital dream and to the way of life that you’ve shared. Shouldn’t he feel guilty about this? Shouldn’t he reconsider altering your life in this way?

A wife can certainly have all these thoughts and might say: “Do separated husbands ever feel guilty when they want a separation and potentially a divorce? Because my husband doesn’t seem to, but he certainly should. Out of the blue, he decided he wanted a separation, but I honestly think he really wants a divorce. As soon as he moved out, he truly cut me off. I try to talk to him, text him, or whatever communication he will accept. He rarely responds.”

“When I ask him what I did that was so wrong, he tells me that I did nothing wrong. Which is true. I didn’t do anything. But that doesn’t seem to matter. He seems to go out every night and post on social media like he is having the absolute time of his life. Meanwhile, I feel like I’m losing everything. My life will never be the same. My husband has been my best friend since we were children. I confide in him. I depend on him. I have built my entire life around him. And it is like he can toss me aside with no second thought. “

 “I recently had to attend a very sad event alone. It was the type of thing you’d think that someone who cares about me would want to attend in order to support me. But he gave it no thought. I find myself wondering if he feels guilty about any of this. Could he? If not, can I make him feel guilty so that he will slow down this process? I feel like I will be divorced before I know it and he doesn’t care.”

The Question of Guilt:  When many of us consider guilt, we think about how we might feel if the roles were reversed. If I pulled the rug out from under my husband, I would feel empty and terrible. And yet, he did the same to me, and there was a time when he seemingly didn’t care in the least.

Why? Because he didn’t want to feel negative feelings at the time. Our entire separation was about escaping negative feelings. So he wasn’t going to welcome negative feelings into his life at that time. And my trying to force them was a mistake, although I didn’t realize it at the time. 

The reason is that if you force a man who is trying to escape negative feelings to feel them, then he’ll likely want to escape you or minimize your impact. So you are only making things worse for yourself.

That doesn’t mean he doesn’t feel guilt somewhere deep in his heart. He might, but he is likely doing everything in his power to quiet that feeling because he is trying to live a new life, and dwelling on the negative feelings might, at least in his eyes, be taking a step back. 

How to Proceed When it Feels Like Your Hands are Tied:  If it’s detrimental to force him to feel negative emotions, what are your options? Well, first and foremost, you are trying to avoid making things worse. You can accept that things aren’t great right now, but that doesn’t mean they won’t eventually change.

Separated men can and do change their perceptions with the passage of time. Going out all the time gets old as the novelty wears off. The reality of potentially losing your family sinks in. The weight of ending your marriage finally hits you.

Don’t circumvent those possibilities by forcing your hand. Instead, try to maintain as pleasant a relationship as you can. I know that I am asking much of you when I say that. This does require a great deal of patience. I had to sit on my own hands at times in order to be patient and wait it out. You may have to distract yourself from other things.

And I’m not implying that you should pretend your husband doesn’t exist for now. I’d never suggest that. I’m just saying if you reach out and he doesn’t respond in the way that you want, doesn’t push. Give it a minute. You can regularly reach out in a positive way, but don’t dictate that he must respond in any set way.

If you aren’t pushing or expressing disapproval, he will have less reason to avoid you. He will have less of a reason to associate you with negative feelings. There is less pressure, so there is less of a need for him to step back.

In the meantime, take great care of yourself. Realize that you matter every bit as much as anyone else. Your opinions, wishes, perceptions, and well-being matter every bit as much as his do. So give yourself every bit as much attention and care as you are giving him. 

I had to have patience while I waited for my own husband to come to his senses during our own separation.  Because of my impatience, I made mistakes that almost cost me my marriage, but I eventually got it together.  You can read about how I finally got things to go my way at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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What is the Biggest Regret of People Who Allow Their Trial Separations to Turn Into A Divorce?

By: Leslie Cane: It’s not unusual for the spouses to fiercely disagree about a separation. Typically, one person knows that separating is the last thing they want, while the other believes it is the right thing to do.

The reluctant spouse almost always knows there will be lasting and deep regret if the separation turns into a divorce. And they may even try to warn the initiating spouse that regret is on the horizon, but they’re often ignored.

One of them might say, “I know that separating is probably the biggest mistake my husband and I will ever make. I know that because it’s obvious this separation puts us at a real risk of getting a divorce. And I know for a fact that I would regret divorcing more than anything I’ve ever done in my life. I know plenty of people who regret their divorces and wish they could have a do-over. But when I try to warn my separated husband about this, he won’t listen. He thinks I’m just trying to selfishly get him to see things my way, but I’m honestly trying to protect both of us. What am I missing? What can I tell him to change his mind? What can I list as the most common regrets people have about separating and then divorcing?”

I have to tell you frankly that I can’t speak from personal experience exactly because at the last hour, I was able to save my separated marriage from divorce. However, I’ve seen and spoken with many people who deeply regret their divorce. And I believe there are actually three main themes that people regret. They are as follows:

Not Giving it Your All, Letting it Slip Away, and Losing the Most Important Person in Your Life:  If you stop and think about your marriage and your spouse, it’s impossible to overstate how important this relationship is to you. Your spouse is your next of kin. Your best friend. The love of your life. They are the person you’d trust to make medical decisions for you if you couldn’t make them for yourself. They are the person you trust to face life challenges with – illness, financial changes, growing older, and a changing world. Once that relationship is erased, you are starting over. And you’ve lost that pillar of support you have come to count on. You’ll lose that important relationship that you’ve so carefully built. 

I know many people who never seriously dated again after they divorced. Sure, they had a couple of relationships, and they gave casual dating an honest try. But in truth, no one came close to the type of relationship they had with their spouse, so the rest just felt futile.  

I also know people who go through life changes or even wonderful surprises and still say they’d give anything to share it with their ex-spouse because, as things stand, it feels like their ex-spouse was present one day and gone the next. And it’s jarring. 

They Regret the Impact on the Kids and Other Extended Family:  As weird as it may sound, separating and perhaps divorcing impacts others besides just the couple. If there are children involved, seeing their parents’ relationship change can have a profound impact on them, their childhood, and the way they view relationships.  

Also, quite often, the spouses have developed close relationships with extended family members. I know in my own case, I felt as close as siblings and parent/child to some of my husband’s relatives. And the thought of losing those relationships was just a double blow at an already-terrible time. 

It can feel like not only are you losing a marriage, but you are also losing some of your family.

The Pain of Watching the Trajectory of Your Life Change and Potentially Seeing Him With Someone Else:  On the day we married, most of us were able to clearly see our future and the path that was laid out before us. We wanted that future so very badly.

However, when separated or divorced, that future must change. And with that change, it can feel as if you’re entire life is now compromised. You’re not getting the life you were promised. You’re not getting the future you were promised. And that slight shift could change other aspects of your life in a negative way.

You may also have to muddle through new, awkward relationships that just don’t measure up or provide the emotional safety and security that you had.

You may have to watch as your spouse meets someone else and sets an entirely new course and new path. That may be very painful. 

As you see all of this take place, you might feel regret that you didn’t try harder, give more, or show more patience. But of course, then it is too late.

What to Do With All This Regret: I hesitated to list all of the above, because I don’t want it to all lead to sorrow. I want it to be a preventative instead. 

While you cannot control what your husband thinks about all of this, you can control yourself. YOU are able to try as hard as you can, show patience, and give more.  

YOU can work on yourself, bide your time, and try to maintain a positive relationship with your spouse – even if that relationship doesn’t look the way you want it to right now. 

If you can keep a decent relationship, you can always try to gradually rebuild. That’s a much better option than just watching your marriage drift away.

I used this gradual strategy to eventually get my marriage back.  And it looked bleak for quite a while.  But I stuck with it.  And I was eventually rewarded and am still married today. You can read more at https://isavedmymarriage.com

 

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My Separated Husband Wants to Avoid Me So He’s Become More Distant With the Kids

By: Leslie Cane: It can be a challenge to keep a family close during a marital separation. This is especially true when there are children involved. Many parents do everything in their power to prioritize their children’s well-being at the expense of their own. Many attempt to put their own feelings on the back burner to make sure that the kids have what they need.

This can be challenging when you desperately want to save your marriage but your spouse does not. Because often, the kids are at the home of the spouse who didn’t move out. As a result, the spouse who moved out must visit and therefore interact with the other. If this interaction becomes too awkward or painful, then the visiting spouse might come over less – which means that the kids would have less access to one of their parents. And the parental-child relationship may become more distant over time. In this situation, unfortunately, the parents’ struggling relationship HAS affected one spouse’s relationship with the children.

A wife might say, “Before we separated, I would have told you that my husband is a fantastic, hands-on, and loving father. He knows the names of my kids’ teachers. He comes to all of their extra-curricular activities. He cares deeply about how they are feeling and what they want. He claimed it was for this reason that his decision to separate from me did not come easily. But I honestly don’t know how much I believe that. He seems to think he’s living his best life away from me, so I can’t help but wonder how long he yearned to be rid of me and his responsibilities.”

 “Now that he no longer lives here, he’s no longer the hands-on father he once was. I admit that it doesn’t always go well when he comes here. And it’s not that we fight. I would never fight with him. I want him back, desperately. He knows that. So it’s awkward because he knows that I long to get back what we had. Yet, he wants to give me no hope about that. So he avoids interacting with me as much as he can. I feel like this weird dynamic between us has meant he’s cooled off with the kids as well and that hurts. But at the same time, I’m not going to give up my marriage or my hopes of a reconciliation.”

I don’t think you ever need to give up hopes of a reconciliation as long as you are still married and no divorce has been finalized. I never gave up when I was separated, and I strongly feel that is why I’m still married today.

However, as a child of divorce, I think it is vital that you do everything in your power to encourage a loving relationship between your husband and children – even during this separation. Here are some tips on doing that while also prioritizing an eventual reconciliation.

Be Absent When He Visits With the Kids:  I know that it’s your house and the kids’ house. But, at least for right now, it would probably be helpful if you’d make it clear to him that you needn’t be present for his visits or pick-ups. Ask a mutual friend or family member to drop by when he’s scheduled to get them and take a walk or run an errand.

I know that scenario iis not exactly convenient, and it’s your house. It’s likely frustrating that you have to do this. But I’ll tell you why I’m recommending it. Doing it this way is encouraging him to spend more time with his kids, which is important.

But just as important, you’re trying to reverse a troubling trend, as follows.

Make Sure He Knows He Needn’t Avoid You:  If you keep going in the way that you are, your husband may start feeling that he has to take drastic action to avoid you. 

And, in that avoidance, his feelings for you might sour. You don’t want that. You want the opposite of that. You want him to either think neutrally or positively about you. So you have to reverse the trend as it is now.

That might mean that you back off right now. That might mean that you allow him to have his relationship with his kids without you in the mix at all – at least for right now. 

It might mean that you have to distract yourself for a little while so that you can give him more time and space. I know that seems like a scary proposition. I know you might be worried that if you back away, you’ll lose even more ground.

But it’s honestly typically the opposite. When he repeatedly sees that he doesn’t have to worry about your pressuring him, questioning him, or coming on too strong, he doesn’t have to avoid you. He can let his guard down eventually.

And that is when you’ll have another chance to come back again on better footing. Hopefully, he will have resumed his relationship with his kids and be ready to at least maintain some sort of relationship with you.  

If that relationship is only co-parenting or friendship at first, fine. You can build on that – slowly and gradually. What you cannot build on is a husband who wants to avoid you so much that he’s willing to cool his relationship with his kids for now. Nothing good can come of that. And that trajectory won’t change until you yourself change it up.

So take the initiative and make it easier for him to interact with the kids by removing yourself from the equation for now. I promise, this is the long game. It’s not giving up. It’s regrouping. It’s stopping a bad situation from getting worse. And there is nothing wrong with that. 

I promise you that the long game can buy you time and it can work.  I had to do it, and it eventually worked for me.  You can read about how I made it work at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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My Separated Husband Seems Careful Not to Give Me Any Hope of Reconciliation

By: Leslie Cane: It’s very natural to watch your separated spouse’s behavior very closely. This is especially true if you want to reconcile. You’re looking for clues. You’re looking for hope. You want to see evidence that there is a chance – one day and some way – that things might change.

And you are allowed to do this because you are still married, and you are allowed to have your own feelings and hopes.  

Unfortunately, your spouse sometimes seems determined to dash these hopes. He seemingly doesn’t want to see you with a plan for the future, or at least this is how it appears.

A wife might say, “This separation is all my husband’s idea. 100% of it. And it happened so quickly. No sooner were the words out of his mouth that he was beginning to implement it. There was no talking him out of it. There was very little discussion. I’m trying my best to adjust, but this separation was so sudden. Still, there are times when my husband and I are together that we will actually have a good time. There have been times when we’ve been able to laugh together. We’ve had some good conversations on the phone. And I will admit, he hasn’t begun to avoid me yet. He doesn’t seem to mind interacting with me – except when he perceives I have any hope for us. If I slip and say anything about the future, he will kind of shut down or go silent. Once, he actually said, ‘well, we’re separated. How is that going to work?’ It’s as if he is always trying to pull me back to this bad reality, and trying to remind me that our future isn’t together. I don’t know how to take that. I don’t want to give up because no one has initiated a divorce yet.”

I would argue that you don’t have to give up. But I am biased because I did not give up. And although things most certainly didn’t always go smoothly or in the way that I wanted during my separation, I did eventually reconcile. My husband didn’t always support my attempts at reconciliation and therefore, at times, I had to rethink my strategy.  

But that’s exactly what it was – my strategy. Not his. And I had every right to it. And I feel that you do too. Who knows how it will turn out? But no one other than you gets to say how you should feel or what you should want, at least in my opinion. That said, sometimes you have to be crafty with your plans, so he doesn’t feel like he has to thwart you at every turn.

You Don’t Need to Advertise What You’re Hoping For or Doing: We both know that your husband is likely well aware that you’d like to reconcile. You’re probably unlikely to convince him otherwise. That said, you don’t always need to advertise this when you spend time together. Try to keep things very light and casual. Try to happily end things each time so that he’ll be agreeable to a next time. And then make the next time pleasurable and light so that you can continue to build. 

This is obviously a gradual process. You’re not trying to push or have an agenda for now. You’re just coasting along and laying a foundation so that when your husband sees you’re not trying to force anything on him and he can continue to spend time with you without needing to be guarded.

Obviously, you’re playing the long game with this, but what choice do you have? He’s made it clear that he doesn’t want to encourage a reconciliation right now, so you have to downplay that part of it, and just focus on maintaining the relationship you have. For now.

Tone Down the Tension. Turn Up the Ease:  You may have noticed that when your husband splashed your hopes about a reconciliation, suddenly things felt tense and uneasy. Suddenly, you don’t know where you stand anymore. That’s because you’ve established two separate and opposing sides and you need to undo that. 

One way to begin is to just find things about which you can agree when you are together. And that might mean you talk about topics that seem small. But that’s perfectly okay. Remember, you are working up to something different and better – eventually. 

You’re lowering the temperature so that he’s not tempted to make himself scarce and start to distance himself from you. Don’t give him any excuse to do that. I understand that this might mean you have to be patient. Unfortunately, I know no way around that. I am not a patient person, but I had to become one during my own separation. If I had pushed my own timeline, I would be divorced. Because my husband was not going to be rushed. 

Guard Your Feelings: As you’ve probably deduced, I don’t recommend wearing your heart on your sleeve around your husband. You can always confide in trusted friends about your hopes of reconciliation. You can always journal. Don’t let those hopes fade just because he doesn’t want to hear them. Don’t advertise them in public, but guard them furiously in private. They are yours. There is nothing wrong with them. And no one can decide to give up your hope except for you. But you don’t need to put those hopes out there for someone else to dash. 

Just keep them close. And bide your time. And slowly rebuild as you are able. And before you know it, your hopes might come true without your needing to make any proclamations at all. 

I know firsthand that it’s not always fun to be patient.  But being forced into patience was one of the reasons I was able to save my marriage.  That, and some finesse that I also lucked into. You can read the whole story at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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