Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many wives reluctantly agree to a trial separation because they fear that it is the only way to help their marriage. Their husband has made it clear that if the wife doesn’t grant a trial separation or break, he will distance himself or begin the process of ending the marriage anyway. In this way, the trial separation can feel like a last-ditch effort to save your marriage. So you convince yourself that maybe the separation is for the best. Maybe the distance and time apart can actually help your marriage. Most of us know someone for whom this has been the case. So we hold our breath and hope for the best. But what happens when the separation makes our marriage worse?

A wife might say, “I dreaded separating from my husband. It was my worst-case scenario. But he would not be talked out of it. And he tried to sell it by telling me that the distance would be good for us. He even said ‘distance makes the heart grow fonder.’ Well, it seems that it has not made his heart grow in any way. I had hoped that he would see that he’d been taking me for granted. I hoped that he would miss me and that we’d actually spend some quality time together since we weren’t getting quantity. But all the separation has done is make it much easier for my husband to distance himself from me and to be emotionally cold. He now can duck my calls, thwart my visits, and basically have nothing to do with me. Admittedly, I’m exaggerating a bit. We do speak on the phone or text from time to time. But he is very closed off from me. And on the rare occasions that we do speak, we fight worse than we did when we were living together. I try to avoid fighting, and I try to diffuse it when we do, but honestly, it’s a horrible situation, and I think that we are both frustrated. He seems to be enjoying his freedom. So instead of realizing that he needs me and wants me in his life, it’s as if he’s realizing that he is better off without me in his life. Instead of bringing us closer together, this separation has ripped us further apart. This trial separation has hurt us, not helped us. What now?”

Things Can Get Better When It Seems Like They Can’t Get Any Worse: Please do not panic. It is not uncommon for things to get worse before they get better. My separation went horribly in the beginning. My friends and family were sure that my marriage was over. And I admit that, in my darkest moments, I also had my doubts. I always wanted to save my marriage, but at times my husband felt very far away.

But, in time, the tide DID turn. Things DID get better. Yes, I had to find better strategies, and I had to do much better with my delivery of those strategies. But I eventually found my stride, and as my husband became gradually more receptive to me, I learned how to seize the opportunities as I received them. I built upon small triumphs until things changed.

Just because today seems bleak does not mean that next week or next month will look the same. Hang in there. Things can and do change, but you should always try to put yourself in the position to encourage this change, which leads me to my next point.

Consider Clever Ways To Encourage The Tide To Turn: One obvious strategy right now is patience. And that does sometimes work. But the downside is that patience without action can encourage a negative status quo. And there are things you can do to attempt to nudge your husband toward more desirable behavior.

The first would be to focus on positivity when you interact. If you fight or bicker when you speak to one another, then his behavior and his avoidance are only going to get worse. Eventually, you may speak with him less and less – or even not at all. Things deteriorate very quickly once you get into this cycle.

So even if you have to keep the conversation short and limited to keep it positive, it is worth the attempt. Yes, you may have to accept a more gradual approach. But you’re trying to change the tone. You’re trying to make each interaction positive and upbeat. When you are successful in doing this, the interactions should eventually become more plentiful and playful. I know this means that you may take your issues and any unpleasantly off the table for a bit, but that’s fine. You may also have to bite your tongue when you are tempted to say something negative or sarcastic. But always remember your goal. You’re just trying to change the dynamic to one where he doesn’t dread talking to you and will eventually initiate the communication and, even better, the face-to-face interactions.

Another thing to consider is how much pressure or guilt you are placing on your husband. I understand that the separation is almost intolerable to you. I have been there. But if every time your husband speaks with you, he ends up feeling guilty or bad, then he’s going to limit his contact. If every time he calls, you bring his attention to how lonely you are, or how you feel abandoned, again, he’s going to back away some to avoid feeling guilty or defensive.

I know it’s unfair to feel censored. And I’m not saying that you can never bring up your concerns. You can. But you want to wait until things are better. You want to wait until he’s open and receptive again.

Evaluate Whether You Need To Create A Sense Of Scarcity: I was always very upfront about the fact that saving my marriage was my highest priority. I eventually realized that I had to dial back the pressure. But I remained clingy and needy because I so desperately wanted any reassurance that I could get. I did not realize that this was just another form of pressure until it was nearly too late.

It wasn’t until I took a trip home and I wasn’t immediately available to my husband that I noticed a change in him.

That’s why it can make sense to ask yourself if you are too available and too clingy. You want to have your own life and your own pursuits right now so that he will respect you and see that, although you very much want to save your marriage, you can cope and get by on your own. When he sees this, there is no reason to continue to avoid you. And you are then free to begin a gradual approach of moving closer.

This Isn’t Necessarily A Lost Cause: Don’t lose faith. You do need to change the tone of the way things are going. But it’s not impossible. And once you are successful, you can begin to build. And that is when you become closer instead of further apart. If it helps, you can read the whole story of how I saved my marriage at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Understandably, many separated wives become extremely hopeful and excited when their husband asks them to accompany him on an outing. Even if it is as simple as getting coffee together, being asked out by your separated husband can feel like Christmas morning. But what happens if the outing doesn’t actually happen because the husband cancels? Should this negate all of the hope that the wife felt? Does his canceling mean that you shouldn’t feel hopeful after all?

A wife might say, “Maybe I’m overexaggerating, but I am really upset right now. After being separated for three months and having very limited access to my husband, he finally invited me to go to his mother’s for a family gathering. I was extremely excited to go, and hopeful that the invitation meant that my husband missed me and wanted to see more of me. But, the day before the event, my husband called and said that his mother wasn’t feeling well. So she’d called the gathering off. My first concern was for my mother-in-law’s health, but my husband assured me that she was fine. No other family members posted anything on social media, so I assumed that the event didn’t happen, and that he was telling me the truth. But then I started wondering why the cancelation meant that we didn’t see each other. Couldn’t we have gone out to dinner alone instead? I promised myself that I’d stop driving myself crazy worrying.  And about a week later, he did ask me for coffee. So I convinced myself that all was well. However, an hour before we were to meet, he called me and said that something else came up and he’d take a raincheck. I do not want to be negative when I interact with him, so I tried to understand. But deep down, I wanted to cry. It feels like it’s been so long since my husband wanted to see me. Admittedly, I built these encounters up in my mind. So my disappointment is magnified. But I worry that he is having second thoughts. One cancelation, I could understand. But now it is two. How do I proceed from here?”

I understand where you are. Every time I felt my own husband potentially back away during my separation, I panicked. I was sure that I’d lost my progress. And sometimes, my paranoia would cause me to pressure and therefore annoy my husband. So I believe that you are right to try to appear understanding. Because the truth is, you can’t know exactly what he is thinking right now (unless he tells you. ) And guessing or assuming the worst can deteriorate the situation even more.

A Look At The Potential Possibilities: There are a couple of potential possibilities here. The first is that his mother was legitimately ill and that something indeed came up before it was time to get coffee. This is entirely possible. And if this is the case, you don’t want to act suspicious or disappointed. That might put all of your progress at risk. You could just continue on as you have been, or you could wait for the next invitation.

The next possibility is that, for one of both of the outings, he did have some second thoughts. He may have thought it was possible that things would be awkward around his family, and he decided to spare you that. Or, maybe he didn’t really have an issue for coffee, but he had something else he wanted to do or he had the slightest hesitation.

Again, we just don’t know which of these is the accurate picture. But in time, we might. And, there is a way to try to nudge an answer, which I’ll describe below.

Deciding How To Proceed From Here: No matter what you do, do not panic and accuse your separated husband of lying or of having second thoughts. This will only make him defensive. You also don’t want to try to make him feel guilt or pity, as this may make him want to avoid you.

What you can do is that when things are going well during an upcoming conversation, ask him to join you for coffee. You’d simply say something like, “When can we schedule that raincheck? I’d love to catch up.”

He may immediately give you a time and place, and you might have a fabulous time. Or, he may have another excuse. If he does, then that would suggest that there might be an underlying issue. Again, you want to sound upbeat and understanding, but you might try, “Is something wrong that you’d like to share? I’m happy to listen.”

This invitation gives him the opportunity to disclose any reservations, so you could at least address them. Or, he might reassure you that there’s nothing going on, and that he truly does have some scheduling conflicts right now.

Regrouping And Remaining Positive When You Have Setbacks During Your Separation: Believe me, I know that this is disappointing. But don’t allow these setbacks to cause you to lose hope. I can’t tell you how many detours and delays I had during my own separation. And it always felt so devastating, but taking each set back as a permanent stop sign can damage the progress that you have fought so hard for.

I learned the hard way that the best strategy was to remain positive and to be patient. When I pressured my husband or showed extreme disappointment, I always ended up regretting it because I took two steps back.

This may well be temporary. Many setbacks during your separation are. And you only lose if you overreact or you allow this to make you give up. Do not give up. If you play your cards right, you can reschedule soon and the two cancelations will not matter when you are playing the long game.

If it helps, you can read about how I hung on during my own separation, (even when things looked dire) on my blog at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I’ve heard (and read) tons of complaints about husbands adding to household stress right now because of his “bad” or negative attitude. Honestly, this is not surprising. We are living in unprecedented, difficult times right now. And with quarantines or limits on daily life, most of us are spending much more time with our spouse in potentially cramped quarters. So, it is no wonder that we are not at our best.  

But I have to tell you, the complaints are all pretty similar, and they can be troubling. An example is something like, “my husband’s attitude lately has made our situation more intolerable than it already is. He’s never been an optimist or a bright ray of sunshine. But lately, he’s awful. My grandmother used to say that you get to see what a person is made of when a crisis hits. Unfortunately, I have gotten to see that my husband is not made out of the most resilient stuff. He’s acting like a whiny baby. Yes, we have less money coming in. Yes, we have had to help my parents, who have health issues, and who shouldn’t be out right now. So yes, I buy and deliver their groceries. I often make extra meals for them. And I’m dealing with more parenting responsibilities on top of this. But do you think my husband pitches in and helps me in any way? No, not a chance. Instead, he pouts because I have less time for him. He resents what I’m doing for my parents and our kids. He makes nasty comments and takes any opportunity to be pessimistic and to declare that our situation will ‘never end.’ Honestly, I hate to be around him right now. I avoid him. We are both angry and distant. Am I overreacting when I feel like his bad attitude could ruin our marriage?”

No, not at all. In some cases, a spouse’s bad attitude can become more problematic than the societal circumstances with which we are dealing. Ideally, we want to draw strength from our marriage and our family right now. But if our spouse’s attitude is keeping this from happening, then it might be a bigger problem than you realize. Because there is actually some scientific truth to your suspicions. 

A Recent Study Suggests That A Husband’s Attitude Can Greatly Impact Marital Happiness: A study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family evaluated almost a thousand couples who had been married for an average of about 39 years. The researchers found that “wives whose husbands show higher levels of positivity reported less conflict. However, the wives’ positivity had no association with their husbands’ reports of conflict.”  

In other words, the couple was more likely to have turmoil in their marriage when a husband, not a wife, had a bad attitude. Co-author Linda J. Waite explained the type of negativity the researchers saw: “The clashes are not primarily about fighting or violence, but rather whether one spouse criticizes the other, makes too many demands, or generally gets on the other person’s nerves.”

The study found that when a husband exhibited this type of behavior, it was more harmful to the marriage than when the wife exhibited the behavior. That could be because behaviors like worry are more expected and therefore socially acceptable coming from women, but I suspect that this data tells an even bigger story, which leads me to my next point. 

Understand That The Behavior Which Follows A Bad Attitude Can Be Much More Damaging To Your Marriage Than The Attitude Itself: This is an interesting study because surely, there are plenty of wives whose husbands perceive them as critical and demanding. (In fact, the men reported higher levels of criticism by their wives.)  

And yet, it was the husband’s behavior that impacted the marriage. Why? The study did not examine the “why.” However, another notation out of the study might indicate a clue. It notes, “Husbands reported more criticism and demands from their wives overall, but also higher levels of emotional support.“

I believe that this is vitally important. Why? Because when a husband exhibits a bad attitude, he is more likely to harbor resentment and negativity, and as a result, he will distance himself from his wife. So he will withdraw emotional support and affection. Quite honestly, I believe that this behavior bothers wives more than a bad attitude. And I believe that this is what hurts your marriage the most. 

One of the reasons we get married is because we want a partner who has our backs. We want someone to stand with us and support us during good times and bad. So when our spouse just steps back from this role, we lose a huge benefit of marriage. 

Notice that in the above example, the husband was pouting, withdrawing, and refusing to help with parenting responsibilities. This is extremely damaging. I would argue that the attitude can actually be a symptom of the withdrawal, and that the withdrawal is more damaging. 

Breaking The Negative Attitude / Withdrawing Cycle May Require A New Strategy: I’m going to ask you to bear with me from the outset because what I am about to say may strike you as wrong initially. But, it is important to understand what may be behind your husband’s bad attitude and subsequent (and dangerous) withdrawal. Men sometimes turn sour when they feel helpless.

Think about what is happening right now. We ALL want more control over what is happening in our lives. But, other than being diligent about safety, so much of what is happening is outside of our control. Many husbands right now are responding with extremely high levels of frustration and pent up anger that is not usually typical of them. They now have limited outlets for this frustration. And, you, as their spouse, are likely feeling just as frustrated. Needless to say, this is not a great combination.

Most likely, your husband needs your support every bit as much as you need his. But, he looks around and he PERCEIVES that you are putting your efforts toward everyone else instead. Notice that I said “perceives.” I didn’t say that this was reality. I’m just suggesting that this may be how he sees it. Rather than asking for what he needs, he withdraws, which begins a cycle of both of you not getting the support and affection that you desperately need in times like this. 

So, how do you reign it in? You go first. You offer him exactly what you yourself are looking for. Offer him a glass of wine, a walk, a shoulder to lean on, or a back rub. Do this enough times and I’d be willing to bet that his attitude, and his withdrawal, will begin to abate. As the two of you are there for one another, your sense of hopelessness, helplessness, and isolation will improve, and so will your marriage.

I hope this article has made it clear that your husband’s bad attitude can be a very big problem. And not only because, as the study shows, but it can also weaken your marriage. More than that, it can lead to a withdrawal which becomes even more painful. 

My husband definitely withdrew from me before our separation.  Unfortunately, I did not react in the way that I just suggested. And this mistake almost cost me my marriage.  Thankfully, I eventually found some strategies that worked, but not before I experienced time without my husband in my life.  You can read the whole story at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many wives notice various signs of disconnect when their marriage begins to take a turn for the worse. One of the most common is a husband not being in tune with (or affected by) his wife’s emotions. And one of the most troubling scenarios where you see this is when the wife becomes so upset that she cries and the husband’s response is indifference, anger, frustration, or denial. If this happens once, it may not be a huge cause for concern. But if it becomes part of a pattern, a wife may begin to wonder if her marriage is in trouble because her husband just doesn’t care about her anymore.

She might say, “I will admit that I have been quite emotional lately. My mother has been sick, and at a time when I need my husband to be the most supportive, he is distant. So I’ve been crying because of my mother. But lately, my tears are because my husband has shut down on me. Or because he says cruel, unfeeling things. Most of the time, I can’t help it when I cry. It is outside of my control. But there are times when I admit that I hope that he will see my tears and show me affection and comfort me. Instead, the opposite happens. He pulls away even more. Or he tells me that I am laying it on too thickly. So I end up feeling a million times worse than when I started crying. Does a man who doesn’t care when his wife cries just not love her anymore? Does it mean that our marriage is doomed?”

Not necessarily. There are some benign reasons that husbands may not give us the response that we are looking for when we cry. And sometimes, our reaction to his distance actually makes the problem worse. I’ll explain this below as well as offer some tips you might try to turn this troubling trend around.

Sometimes, Husbands Turn A Blind Eye To Our Tears When They Don’t Know How To Help Us: I’d be willing to bet that if your best friend showed up at your door with tears in her eyes, you’d stop what you were doing, sit her on your couch, listen without interruption, offer her a soothing shoulder to cry on, and then try to help in any way that you could. And this is the behavior that most of us would like to see from our husbands.

Unfortunately, though, I don’t know many men who act this way, except under dire circumstances. Men can certainly be empathetic and caring. But many men are born “fixers,” and when they are in a situation where they are unsure of how to fix the situation, they are somewhat lost. So instead of trying but falling short, they sometimes won’t try at all – preferring to leave the emotional work to your friends and family. In the above example, the husband is in a situation where he can’t do anything about the wife’s mother being sick. Ironically, this is not what the wife is asking of him. She just wants his comfort and support. She doesn’t need him to fix anything. But men often can’t see the distinction.

This doesn’t mean that they don’t love you. It just means that they shut down when they feel helpless to make it better.

Are You Going In Circles Because Of An Unfortunate Cycle?: Unfortunately, wives in this situation will often double down and try to put on an even stronger display of tears. This is understandable. You desperately want SOME reaction out of him, even if that reaction is negative. It is maddening to be so hurt and vulnerable that you are practically begging for affection and reassurance, only to have him pull away instead.

But, it is very important to understand the probable dynamic here. Unless there are larger problems in your marriage where your husband is harboring anger or resentment toward you, his not knowing how to correctly respond is not necessarily malicious. His behavior is more likely to be based on his doubts that he can make things better for you.

So when you cry even more or become increasingly upset, you are only reinforcing the idea that he can’t help you effectively. So, it is actually more likely that he will back away. Now, let’s move toward how to change this.

Ways You Can Improve This Situation: You have every right to want to feel supported and soothed by your husband. It’s very detrimental to your marriage if he feels somewhat helpless while you feel unloved. The first step in fixing this is asking yourself if there is any reason for your husband to be emotionally distancing himself right now. Is there any issue that is dividing you that is causing distance, resentment, or tension? I only ask because, if there is, nothing that I’m about to suggest is going to work effectively until you address the underlying issues. A spouse who feels connected and empathetic toward you is going to be much more likely to try to offer emotional support when you are upset or crying.

Assuming this is not the case, know that you may need to ask your husband for what you need until he becomes more comfortable and competent with emotional support. So the next time you come back from visiting with your mom and feel upset, if he starts with the distance, trying saying, “Can you just hold me right now? I know that I am emotional, but I just need some support.” When it is said this way, very few husbands are going to refuse. If he does, there may be bigger issues going on.

When he complies, say, “You don’t know how much I need this. I know it is hard for you to see me fall apart when he can’t do anything about my mother’s illness. But your presence and your support ARE helping me by making me feel loved and supported. I don’t need anything but for you to listen and just be here with me.”

You may have to repeat this process – your asking for what you need and then lapping on the praise and affection when he complies, but eventually, he should begin to initiate the desired behavior because he is getting positive feedback.

When this happens, you are getting the support that you need and you have improved your marriage. I know it may seem unfair to have to ask for his support, but if it gets you what you need, the end justifies the means.

Don’t feel silly for knowing that you need your husband’s supportive reaction and support when you cry or are upset. Empathy and connection are vitally important in a marriage. They are the first things to go when your marriage is in trouble. I know because this happened to me and it almost costs me my marriage. But you can read about I ultimately saved my marriage at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: The majority of wives who visit this site are extremely motivated to reconcile with their separated husbands. I know this because the search terms used to reach the site often deal with reconciliation after marital separation. My “most read” articles also deal with saving your marriage after separating, giving space, or taking a break. Most wives want to know how they will know if they are on the right track. What signs should they look for? What should they do if they aren’t seeing these signs? And how can they right the ship when everything seems to be going wrong or is taking too long?

A wife might say, “I know that I am not reconciling with my husband tomorrow. We clearly have a long way to go. I did not want to separate. I tried everything to delay it. But my husband just would not be talked out of it. He tried to make it seem like we’d be in constant contact so I wouldn’t have to worry, but that has not been the case. We do talk somewhat regularly, but he usually has some excuse to cut the conversation short. We have seen each other a handful of times and although we have pleasant interactions, there was nothing romantic about it. Most of my girlfriends and family assure me that this is just a rough patch and that my husband obviously still loves me. They tell me that, without any doubt, we will eventually reconcile. But I am starting to wonder if they are only trying to make me feel better so that I won’t panic. How do I know if we will reconcile?”

I know the fear that you are feeling. I have been in your exact shoes. And I know that it is no fun. I know how badly you want to end this separation and get your life, and your marriage back. Unfortunately, I can’t give you an exact way to know if you will reconcile. Short of having your husband asking to move back home, there isn’t any way to tell 100% guaranteed.

Still, there are often some patterns and behaviors that you will see before reconciliation takes place. Sometimes, these things happen in a more gradual way than you might like. But that can be okay. Gradual gains tend to be more lasting and can help give you confidence that you can actually trust them.

Are Things Are Better Today Than They Were Two Weeks Ago?: You can’t really expect every conversation and encounter to be perfect or even pleasant. The fact that you are separated implies that you have some issues to work through. That said, you do want to have a feeling of improvement. You should be able to compare this week with last week and feel as if you are seeing movement in his receptiveness to you, even if it’s only just a little.

Your Communication Builds Upon Itself And Is Increasingly Pleasant And Heading Toward Affectionate: It took me way too long to learn this during my own separation, but it is important to always interact with your husband with an eye toward your next conversation. I know that this may seem counterintuitive, but if you try to end today’s conversation in a good way so that he’ll happily take your next call, you’ve done yourself a great favor. This may seem simple, but it is easier said than done. Because when we are separated, we can be in a very vulnerable position and in need of reassurance. So we tend to pick at the scab or ask our husband for details that he isn’t ready to give.

Or we want to pick our marriage apart, thinking if we can just quickly patch it up, we can go about our way. The problem is that our marriage is often too vulnerable for this, and our “quick fixes” won’t last anyway, which will just cause more turmoil. I learned that it is best to leave the hard conversations for when you are back on firm ground.

Instead, keep things light and playful. You are much more likely to get affectionate contact this way. We’re not expecting for your husband to passionately approach you, but you want to eventually see some affectionate behavior, even if that’s just laying a hand on your back or brushing your arm.

He Is Initiating Some Of The Contact: My separation began to turn the corner after I allowed my husband to initiate the contact. This was a hard leap to make. Because I’d done all of the pushing and prodding initially. But, I had to reluctantly admit that this strategy wasn’t working. And I had to force myself to back off. I was sure it wouldn’t work. But eventually, it did. And things really changed once my husband began to initiate some of the contact. I became a bit more confident, so I relaxed more, which helped tremendously. You don’t need your husband to be falling all over himself to contact you daily. But, you do want to see him beginning to call you or reach out to you. Ideally, you are not the only one doing all of the work. Although it may start out this way in the beginning, you want to progress to him taking the initiative sometimes.

He Is Willing To Talk About And Make Plans For The Future: Every time I would suggest a trip or an outing that I knew both my husband and I would enjoy, he would shut me down. He simply did not want to get my hopes up or promise me any concrete event, (and looking back, this might have been kind at the time.) However, gradually, he did begin to loosely reference things that might occur in the future. Or, he wouldn’t shoot me down when I would do the same. And he began making attempts to take care of me in the future. For example, he would take care of maintenance on the house and on my car, showing me that he still cared about my well-being and intended to be around if something went wrong.

Are You Willing To Accept / Embrace A Methodical Approach?: I’ll be honest. I only wanted fast, painless results during my own separation. And this strategy greatly delayed my progress. It may seem that a methodical approach would delay things, but in my case, it helped tremendously. My husband was just unwilling to promise me a reconciliation immediately. And he wasn’t at all receptive to me when I pushed for this. In fact, he would avoid me if I pushed too hard. So you sometimes have to play the long game. You settle for small, daily victories realizing that next week, things are going to look much better because he will have no reason to avoid you. You assure yourself that you are in this for the long haul so you want this reconciliation to stick. So you are willing to move gradually to get what you really want long-term.

I know and understand where you are. You want to reconcile tonight. Right now. And maybe that is just around the corner for you because you are seeing everything I listed above. But if not, know that it doesn’t mean you won’t reconcile. It just might mean that a gradual timeline might be just the ticket, as it was for me. You can read the whole story of how I did it (and I’ll be honest, I lucked into some of it) at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from wives who say that they’ve felt invisible in their marriage for a long time. They strongly believe that their husband is no longer interested (or invested) in them, their happiness, or their marriage. They believe that they’ve tried everything to get him to pay attention. But nothing works. They wonder if he does not love them anymore, or if he just finds them uninteresting. Even worse, as a result of these considerations, they begin to fear for the future of their marriage. 

A wife might say, “honestly, I feel as though my husband cares more for his coworkers or his acquaintances than he does me. Actually, he treats these people better than me, because at least he occasionally takes an interest in them or in their lives. The same is not true of me. If I have a doctor’s appointment, he will completely forget about it and never ask me how it went, much less offer to go with me. He forgets issues and occasions that are important to me. The other day, I tried to make conversation with him about a good friend of mine who had been in a car accident. Not only did he not remember who this person was, but he also didn’t remember me telling him about the accident last week. I admit that I became incredibly angry about this. I regret that now, but it’s so frustrating that my own husband seems to know absolutely nothing about me. He never asks me about my job, my experiences, or my opinions. If he ever does buy me a gift, it almost always demonstrates that he doesn’t know me at all – at least lately. It’s not like he was the most attentive man in the world when we were dating. That is just not his way. But he did pay attention to me and care about my happiness then. He was invested in me. Now it seems like he doesn’t care either way. Of course, this makes me worried about my marriage. Despite his neglect, I still love him and I still want my marriage. But his behavior makes me think that he doesn’t.”

I feel your pain. No one wants to feel ignored. But, it is worse when the person who is seemingly indifferent to you is the same person who is supposed to be the most invested in your happiness and wellbeing. You are not overreaching or being petty by worrying about this. It can be a serious issue that can damage your marriage. That said, there may be some considerations that you are missing that might help you to turn this around. I’ll discuss them below.

There Are Non-Catastrophic Reasons That Your Husband May Be Inattentive Or Appear Uncaring: I promise that I am not trying to minimize your husband’s behavior. It’s incredibly hurtful, insensitive, and harmful. However, although most of us assume that this behavior means that he doesn’t love us any more or just doesn’t care, not only can this be untrue, but it can destroy your marriage as though it were true, even when it’s not.

Husbands under stress can become preoccupied with their own issues and therefore do not pay attention. Husbands can also begin to take their wives and their marriages for granted when you have been together for a comfortable period of time. Or, husbands can assume that, because you are married, you know that you are loved, so therefore they just don’t need to make such a gallant effort. None of these reasons may make you feel any better, but the good news is that they can be overcome. 

The Common, But Destructive Pattern You Might Be In: Please keep an open mind for what I am about to say. Because this is a pattern that I see many couples fall into – including myself before my separation. Sometimes, there is a relatively benign reason that your husband disengages. However, once he does, understandably, you become concerned.  

Of course, you want the attention and care of your own spouse. So you begin trying behaviors meant to help you get it. When someone isn’t paying attention to you, it is just human nature to ratchet up your attempts until they have no choice.  So you become louder.  You become more insistent and demonstrative.

Unfortunately, from my own experience, eventually, these behaviors become negative ones. We get angry. We make accusations. We guilt. We nag. We create drama. And we aren’t doing this maliciously. We often don’t even realize that we are doing it. But we so desperately want his attention and his caring that we begin to not even care how we get it. We’d rather he be angry or annoyed at us than to ignore us altogether.

But do you know what happens? As you get louder and more instant with your requests for attention, he pulls away even more. You end up getting less of what you want and he feels no closer to you. So now you are stuck in a vicious cycle where both of you may intensify the negative behaviors that no one wants.

So how do you begin to fix it? As unfair as it is going to sound, you tone down any negative or pressuring behavior that could make your husband feel like he just can’t win. You show him the behaviors that you yourself want. I know, I know. It may feel like you’re the one making the concessions and doing the work. But…. it is the best plan that gets you more of what you want – it brings your husband closer to you and entices him to be more invested in you. 

So, if you want him to take an interest in your life, take an obvious interest in his. Genuinely and enthusiastically ask him about his day, his friends, his opinions, and his experiences. If you do this often and well enough, he is going to ask you about yours eventually. And when he does? Praise him. Tell him how good it makes you feel that he wants to know and cares. It may seem silly, but positive reinforcement is a very effective tool in helping you to get the attention and interest that you want and need. 

You may have to prod him along for a little while until the behavior becomes more of a habit for him. He fell into the pattern of inattention, but he can also fall into precisely the opposite with the right encouragement.  

I know it may seem like I’m asking you to do a little groundwork. But, in my experience, it’s worth it. I know how painful it is to live with a husband’s constant indifference, and I also know how damaging this is to your marriage.  I almost ended up divorced because of a similar pattern.  We did reconcile, but it could have been avoided.  If it helps, you can read about how I got it together and got my husband back at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: On our wedding day, most of us promised to love one another in sickness and in health. We promised to do this no matter how our financial circumstances looked. And we promised to keep this up for life. And yet, when our circumstances dictate that our spouse has to make good on these promises, we can feel guilty and worry that we are “a burden” to our spouse. Even worse, when these feelings linger for long enough, we can begin to worry that, because our spouse has to carry the burden of being married to us, he would be better off without the marriage. In response, we might retreat from our own marriage or push our own husband away.

A wife might explain, “I hate feeling this way, but I worry that I have become a burden to my husband. I know that none of this is either of our faults. But I got sick about eighteen months ago. My husband has been a rock star throughout this entire process. But things have been very difficult. I had to quit my job. I cannot socialize or travel as much as I used to. I know that there are things that my husband would like to do which he now cannot do because of our new normal. He has never once complained. But I feel horrible guilt. My health is slowly improving, but I still have a long way to go. So it is not like tomorrow is suddenly going to be wonderful again. We may have to live with these new circumstances for a while. The other day, my husband was laying on the couch, and I could not help but notice that he looked so tired and defeated. I know that I am bringing him down. He would never say it, but sometimes I suspect that he would better off not married to me. I worry that eventually, he will want to end the marriage. Who wouldn’t?”

Although I completely empathize and understand why you may be tempted to have these self-defeating thoughts, I’m going to make an argument as to why you should counter these thoughts every step of the way. Not only are they most likely untrue, but if you aren’t careful, they can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Your Husband’s Thoughts May Be Completely Different From What You’re Imagining: I can use myself and some personal experiences as an example to reassure you that husbands are not always thinking what you assume they are thinking.

My husband has always made more money than I . And I have always been somewhat insecure about this. I also assumed that our different range of incomes bothered him. To be clear, our separation had nothing to do with this issue. But when we finally reconciled, we talked about this and other topics in depth. Turns out, my husband doesn’t care a lick about how much money either of us makes so long as we live within our means.

Like most men, my husband would much rather have an enthusiastic, loving wife than one who works too many hours and worries constantly about money. Of course, he would be very unhappy if I suddenly developed a shopping addiction or was irresponsible with money. But, my assumptions just weren’t true and my resulting unhappiness and anxiety most definitely contributed to a decline in our marriage. I would have been better off having an honest conversation about this instead of assuming the worst.

Here is another example. I recently visited with a family friend who has been ill. While sitting with her husband, I asked how he was holding up. He told me that it had been his great honor to care for his wife and that he just hoped he was doing an okay job. More than anything, he wanted to do right by her, but he wasn’t an experienced caregiver. You see, he was worried that he was falling short (even though he wasn’t.) The idea that she was a burden never crossed his mind.

I mention both of these examples to try to make the point that your assumptions may be wrong. Sure, your husband may be tired. But so are you. That doesn’t mean that he isn’t coping or isn’t happy in your marriage. Sure, we all face bumps in the road and we may even wish that things were different. It hurts to see the people we love struggle. But that certainly doesn’t mean that we love them any less or think they are a burden.

Have An Honest Conversation To Try To Minimize Any Negative Assumptions Or Consequences: You probably cannot immediately change your circumstances, but you can talk to your husband about your concerns that he is missing out. You can also encourage him to still see friends and enjoy himself as your circumstances allow. This will minimize resentment and give you the reassurance that you did everything you could to support him in the same way that he is supporting you.

Another thing that I learned how to do in my own marriage is to reverse our roles in the hypothetical situation I was worried about. Let’s say it was your husband who was ill. Would you think that he was a burden? Of course, you wouldn’t. You’d want to do everything in your power to support him in every way that you could. And, if you found that he thought he was a burden, you’d want him to know that he could never be anything but the man you love – the man who you would do anything in the world for.

Your husband may feel the very same way.

See The Silver Lining: Undoubtedly, you are in a stressful situation. And you may both wish that things were different. But that doesn’t change your love for and commitment to one another. Marriage is about supporting and loving one another in good times and in bad. It may be easier in times of smooth sailing. But marriages are sometimes strengthened when the chips are down. Tough times can actually enhance your marriage if you hold tight to one another instead of allowing your doubts and your circumstances to pull you apart.

Please do not allow your insecurities to hurt your marriage and make things worse. Have an honest conversation to prevent further damage. Believe me, it is easier to preserve your marriage than to save it when it’s already damaged. I learned this the hard way. If it helps, you can read about our separation and reconciliation (we did save our marriage) at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Most people intuitively know that intimacy is an important part of a healthy marriage. However, it is also very common to try to make excuses for decreasing intimacy or to try to explain it away when it happens in your own marriage. We are living in very stressful times right now. And, marriage and parenthood can bring their own sets of stressors. So, most of us don’t immediately panic when we notice that intimacy has begun to wane. However, when this trend becomes extreme or persistent then, understandably, we may become concerned. An example is when a husband makes a habit of sleeping on the couch, or worse, no longer attempting to be intimate.

A wife might explain, “For the past few months, my husband has not slept in the same bed as me. He no longer sleeps in the master bedroom. It started out when I had a cold. He didn’t want to catch my cold, so he slept on the couch. But once I got better and was perfectly healthy, he didn’t return. I asked him what was wrong and he said that he was falling asleep watching TV because I go to bed earlier than he does. His explanation sort of made sense, so I didn’t dwell on it. But now he never initiates intimacy. We get along otherwise. But lately, it feels like more of a roommate situation. The other night, I got up to get some water, and he was on the couch, in his pajamas, watching TV with a blanket over him. I sarcastically said, ‘don’t let me disturb you,” and his response was that maybe he should start sleeping in the guest room. I have repeatedly asked him if I should worry about this, and he always replies that I should not. Should I?”

Why Waning Intimacy Is A Legitimate Marital Concern: I believe that there is always a concern when intimacy begins to wane. Simply put, having sex or being intimate is a very effective way that couples remain close to one another. And it helps to maintain a commitment to your marriage. Without this, you no longer have that glue that holds you together. Sure, other things in your life can bring you together – like your children, shared interests, or joint finances. But, people separate or eventually divorce, at least in part, because they are not getting their emotional needs met, and they do not feel close to their spouse. They don’t typically divorce due to the other factors that bring you together, like kids or joint interests. So yes, intimacy is quite important.

In fact, most of the correspondence that I get from wives who know that their marriage is in trouble frequently mention some variation on a loss of intimacy or a decreased interest in sex by their husbands. Many suspect an affair or flirtation when they see this behavior.

Of course, this situation doesn’t always mean that the couple won’t make it or that the husband is cheating. Sometimes, couples will temporarily sleep in separate rooms during illness, early parenthood (particularly if mom is nursing much of the night,) or different work schedules.

I have a friend who is a nurse that works nights. She doesn’t want to wake her husband when she gets home, so she sleeps in the guest room on work nights. But, she returns to the master bedroom when she is off of work. And the couple makes sex a high priority. This is different from someone who never appears interested in sleeping with or having sex with their spouse.

Determining Why (Or If) Your Husband Has A Lack Of Interest In Intimacy: One easy way to get some more information about what you are actually dealing with is to just attempt to initiate intimacy yourself. You don’t even have to pressure him into the master bedroom. Just show him affection and see what happens when you attempt to initiate intimacy. If he is uninterested or refuses, then you know that you have a larger issue than just him crashing in front of the TV.

You’ll want to be very honest with yourself about whether there are any issues that you can identify and then fix. Is your husband under stress or pressure? If there any issue that has been dividing you or hurting your marriage? Is there any identifiable reason that he would lose interest in sex? It is obviously important to correctly identify any issues so that you can fix them.

On the flip side, if he enthusiastically has sex with you and intimacy isn’t a reoccurring issue, then you’ll need to have an honest conversation about what each of you wants (or doesn’t want) out of sharing a bed. Sleeping in the same bed to get a good night’s sleep and regularly having sex are obviously two different things.

But to answer the question posed, yes, it can be a worry to your marriage if your spouse distances himself from you at bedtime so that he can avoid intimacy. Some spouses sleep in separate rooms during special circumstances. But couples that make this work make sex and intimacy a priority.

Most of the time, you can’t allow sex and intimacy to wane and then expect that it will have no impact on the closeness of your marriage. Most of the time, it absolutely will.

I am not trying to scare or alarm anyone. But if you can avoid serious marital problems, you should.  A lack of intimacy was one of the precursors to my marital problems and eventual separation. Although I saved my marriage, it would have been easier to avoid the issues in the first place.  You can read more about how I was able to restore my marriage at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Not surprisingly, I’m seeing a large increase in messages from wives dealing with husbands who are suddenly highly stressed out and desperately unhappy. Worse, the husbands are unable or unwilling to identify the source of their misery. They’re seemingly unhappy with the world, and they act out to make sure that their wives are aware of it.

One of these wives might explain, “I know that everyone has been struggling with life lately, with the COVID 19 crises, the protests, and everything else that has been going on in the world. But I feel like my husband is taking it harder than others. His company shut down for quite a while. Now, his physical workplace has changed, and his company has required that employees take a pay cut. I understand why he’s frustrated about this. But he is not the only one that this has happened to. He is also struggling with his parents, who refuse to be careful about the virus, even though they both have underlying health conditions. Every night when he speaks to them, he says goodbye, slams down the phone, and runs his fingers through his hair. If I try to comfort him, he pushes me away. The other night, I was clearing the table, and he just laid his head down. I came up behind him and put my hands on his shoulders and asked what was wrong? His reply was, ‘What is wrong? Are you kidding me? Do you not know me at all? I hate my life, that’s what’s wrong. I hate everything about it.’ I should have said nothing and let him cool down. But instead, I said, ‘Even me?’ He sort of snorted sarcastically, and then said, ‘Everything!’ And he walked away. Things have been very awkward since then, and we’ve been tip-toeing around each other. I feel for my husband. But he is an adult who is acting like a toddler. Every human being in the world is dealing with life changes right now. And you don’t see other people whining about hating their lives. I want to make things better for him, but I resent his immaturity right now. I am also struggling, and I need a spouse to buck up and respond with strength. How am I supposed to support a man who hates everything, including me?”

I do not think that he hates you at all. He probably doesn’t even really hate his life. But, like many of us, he hates the scary and troubling changes that have taken place over a very short period. He may be bubbling over right now, but that doesn’t mean that he no longer loves his family or values his life.

Scenarios such as this one remind me of the scene in “Its A Wonderful Life,” where George Bailey, a family man under a great deal of stress, is set off when a loose dowel comes off in his hands. At any other time, the good-natured George would have replaced the dowel and gone on his way. But he is so full of stress and fear, that the dowel is the last straw. As a result, he begins berating his beloved kids and his wife. If the film hadn’t characterized George as a loving man, the audience might have thought him cruel and insensitive. In context, however, we know that he is frustrated. Of course, by the end of the movie, the stressful situation is removed, and the family is happy again. I only mention this because everyone knows that George Bailey loves his family more than anything else. But, when we face this type of situation in our own lives, it can be hard to see this perspective.

Some Data To Put This Into Perspective: I know that it is scary and frustrating to hear your husband talk this way. But he is far from alone. A poll released just yesterday indicated that respondents in the United States are more unhappy than they have been in over fifty years. In fact, only fourteen percent of the people in the survey described themselves as happy. Respondents reported feeling less optimistic about the future for themselves and for their children. Many reported feelings of loneliness, isolation, and helplessness.

While it is true that some people handle stressors better than others, it is becoming clear that increasing numbers of us are struggling.

Unfortunately, since we have less access to our support network of friends and extended family, most of our frustration and unhappiness are going to be directed at who is available – the people who live with us (and who are stuck inside with us.) For most of us, this is our spouse (or significant other,) and our children (if we have them.)

This proximation doesn’t mean that our spouse is angrier at us than everyone else. It just means that we are available.

Offering Support While Not Taking This Lightly: By pointing out that your spouse is not alone and that many of us are struggling right now, I don’t mean to insinuate that you should not take this seriously. Marriages can definitely suffer when one spouse struggles mentally. Depression and hopelessness is a common precursor to serious marital issues or even separations and divorces. (My husband’s declining happiness was a huge factor in our separation.)

So I would encourage you to support your spouse in any way that he will accept. If he already has a mental health team in place, encourage him to see that person. If not, let him know that you are there and that, no matter how hard this is and no matter how frustrated he might be with even you, you will still always have his back.

The next time he makes a statement that indicates frustration with his life or with your marriage, you might try, “although it hurts me to hear you say that, I want to help. What can I do to make this better for you? How can I help?” He may not fall over himself to take you up on this offer, but in the way that you can, lighten his load.

Perhaps you might volunteer to talk to his parents on alternating nights. Maybe you do chores that you know stress him out. Encourage him to exercise by asking him to take a walk outside. Turn off the news. Play music or board games. Watch funny classics. Read favorite books to one another. Do anything that turns off the negativity that surrounds us all right now. I know that this is asking you to have super-human patience at a time when it is extremely difficult, but it’s important to try and to fight for your family.

And, take solace in the fact that therapists reassure us the human spirit is resilient. This can’t last forever. We can and will get through it. And, as hard as it is to believe, these times offer us an opportunity to hold our loved ones close and to focus on what really matters – each other.

As I alluded to, although I know that your husband’s reaction is common, I think that you should take it seriously. My husband’s declining happiness was a contributing factor to our separation. Although I eventually saved my marriage (pretty much single-handedly) this was a painful time for us both. You can read that story at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many wives who are reluctantly separated or on a break wonder how they should refer to their husbands. When you are technically separated and no longer living together, should you still tell people that you are married? Should you still wear your wedding ring? Should you refer to your husband in the past tense? These questions may seem somewhat petty to someone who is on the outside looking in. However, when you are actually in the middle of this scenario, and you are not sure if you’re ready to give up on your marriage, you don’t want to make a mistake.

A wife in this situation might comment, “I have no idea how I am supposed to introduce my separated husband. We are still together sometimes when we have to attend functions with our children. When I have to introduce him to people, I have no idea what I’m supposed to say. Likewise, if he comes up in conversation, I don’t know if I’m supposed to still call him my husband or my ex. I don’t want to misstep because I already feel like I’m on shaky footing. I didn’t want this separation. I don’t want to end my marriage. But I’m not sure if I should call him my husband if he doesn’t feel as if he is. One of my friends said that he is technically my ex. Is he? I’m not ready for that. I don’t want to give up.”

If You Are Still Married, He Is Arguably (And Technically) Not Your Ex: I’m only giving you one person’s take on this topic. And this isn’t a legal opinion, either. But, as someone who has been separated and later reconciled, I never referred to my separated husband as my ex because to me, he never was. Yes, we were separated. Yes, he was not sure how (or if) he wanted to move forward. But we were still married. And, even when things didn’t look good, I definitely still considered him to be my husband. He never corrected me, either.

Options For Deciding How To Refer To Him: Some wives in this situation opt to just ask for clarification. For example, the next time you know you’ll need to introduce him, you could try something like, “You know, this may sound silly. But I sometimes feel unsure of how to address you. To me, you are still my husband. But I know that we are separated. Are you okay with me still introducing you as my husband?”

Another possibility is to follow your husband’s lead. Has he introduced you as his wife? If so, this is a good indication that he would be comfortable with your referring to him as your husband.

Honestly, most people aren’t expecting you to give them any background during a basic introduction.  They aren’t looking to know your personal business. So an explanation is, at least in my opinion, not required.

Deciding How To Proceed With New Realities When You Are Not Ready:  I find that many wives in this situation (myself included) can feel pressured to act in a certain way. You may have friends telling you that you should begin to distance yourself from your marriage. You may have friends telling you that the hope you still harbor is naive and certain to cause you pain. These people often love you and have your best interest at heart.

So it can be very difficult to feel this type of pressure and then proceed forward in alignment with your own truth. It can be tempting to want to put on appearances to satisfy the expectations of others. I can only speak for myself. But, had I done this, I’d likely be divorced today.

But, I knew that I still loved my husband and I was still invested in my marriage. Yes, I had to respect his wish for space. And yes, there was a significant amount of time that I had limited access to him. Things did not look promising for a while. So yes, I had to back up.

But I knew that in my heart, I wasn’t ready to give up. So no, I wasn’t going to refer to him, or even treat him, as my ex. Although I did give him the time he wanted, everyone knew that I was not going to walk out on my marriage until I had absolutely no choice.

This is a distinction that you’ll have to make for yourself. Sure, society will dictate it’s societal norms. Friends and family will have their opinions. And your husband may even set boundaries.

But what you are thinking and feeling inside your mind and your heart? That is under your control alone. No one else should dictate what you think and feel.

Words are just that. But if you are not yet ready to move on, whether with your words or your actions, then in my opinion, unless you are divorced, you don’t have to.  I’m glad that I didn’t.  I got what I wanted – my marriage back.  You can read that story at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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