Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: From my own experience, and from dialoguing with separated wives, I find that the time during a separation is often perceived as incredibly lonely. Most of us have wonderful family members and friends who stand ready and willing to support us. But it doesn’t always matter. We want our husband standing by us, not other people serving as stand-ins. So we very much feel abandoned and somewhat hopeless.

Still, most of us are a stubborn bunch. We’re determined to “fight” to the better end. We vow to fight for our husband and fight for our marriage as hard and as long as it takes. But we often don’t make a plan for what happens when our husband very publically decides to throw in the towel and stop fighting. What happens then?

A wife might say, “my husband and I were fighting and had a very awkward marriage for about six months before we officially separated. Since then, we’ve been separated for four months. So our lives have basically been turned upside down for fourteen months. Some weeks it seems like things are getting somewhat better between us, and other weeks, it seems they are getting much worse. Last night, my husband told me that he was tired, so very tired, of continuing to fight for this marriage. He said that he just isn’t willing to fight anymore. He didn’t mention the D word, and I wasn’t so stupid as to bring it up. But I’m scared. He made it clear that he isn’t going to try anymore. He hasn’t said he’ll fight me, or that he won’t cooperate with me, but these are my fears. If he doesn’t want to fight for our marriage anymore, where does that leave me? Where does that leave us?”

I know how you feel. My husband didn’t come right out and tell me that he was done fighting, but he most definitely acted like it. Honestly, it was almost like a switch flipped one day. He was just done, and it was loud and clear with his actions, if not his words. But, I am still married today. If I had depended on him to work with me for the entire time, I would have divorced. I believe you don’t need your husband’s assistance the entire time. I also don’t believe either of you needs to “fight for your marriage” at all.

Why I Dislike the Term “Fight for Your Marriage” and it’s Not That Alarming that Your Husband Doesn’t Like it Either:  I get the appeal of “fighting” for something. I used to use this term early in my separation. I told people that I’d fight as hard as Rocky Balboa if need be. But, I came to realize that this is honestly a terrible analogy. “Fighting” implies conflict. It implies a long, hard battle that is anything but pleasant. It implies that you’re going to have to take something by force. Is this really how you want to look at your marriage?

You don’t want to force your spouse or your problems into submission. Instead, you eventually want a collaborative effort. If you can’t get that initially, you’re going to have to work with who you have – yourself. But you don’t need to take a combative stance.  

And I’m going to tell you something that might surprise you. Because it would have surprised me if someone had told me this during my own separation. You don’t always have to work so hard and be so panicked. You don’t have to act like the sky is falling. I know that this is counterintuitive. I know that your intuition is telling you that you must act right now. But that kind of panicked thinking will force bad decisions and unfortunate actions. You are so much better off calming down and slowing your roll a bit so you can make gradual, real progress.

Despite What You Fear, You Can Carry On With Trying to Save Your Marriage No Matter What He Says:  Again, I know that you may feel the need to panic and think that the game has changed. He’s just told you he won’t fight anymore. What to do? Honestly, you don’t have to do much of anything too drastic other than just take a moment and reevaluate how you’ll best approach this. He hasn’t mentioned divorce. So you don’t have any immediate deadline.

During my own separation, I eventually found (after making many errors and mistakes) that there is actually plenty that you can do to improve your marriage and your situation on your own. You don’t have to “fight,” but you can methodically take stock, quietly make changes, and keep a positive connection between you and your husband, even if you’re nowhere near close to reconciling just yet. 

Yes, you’ll have to be patient. Yes, sometimes you’ll need to act as if you’re doing nothing at all when you feel your husband push back. But you can quietly make a difference. You don’t always need his assistance or cooperation. You don’t need his permission. And you don’t need him to fight. 

Eventually, when he is ready to get started, you’ll be in a good situation. Because you’ve already started, you haven’t made things worse, and you haven’t alienated him in any way. So let him say he’s not fighting anymore. Frankly, as I’ve said, I don’t think it’s necessary for either of you to “fight” anyway. Instead, you tend to what is left of your marriage, you take stock of it, you change the parts that aren’t working, you reevaluate as necessary, and you continue to nurture and guard it as you decide whether or not you’ll reconcile and when. 

Of course, if he files for divorce, you may need to work a bit more quickly. But I stopped “fighting” for my marriage during my separation too, and turns out, that was one of the best things I could have done. Once I stopped holding on so tightly and clinging so hard with a combative stance, things actually improved. You can read about how I got from that improvement to a reconciliation at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Marriage can be a good deal of hard work. Many of us start out with very little. As newlyweds, many of us have very little money but much love. And, little by little, we carve out a life for ourselves and for our spouse. It can feel like it is the two of us against the world. And sometimes, these circumstances bring you closer together. 

Over time, you look around and you realize that you’ve built a nice life with this person that you love. You’ve built a family, a home, and a sense of community. These things define the way you live your life and the way you see yourself. And you may be perfectly content with it. Sure, you may experience bumps in the road as everyone does. But overall, you feel that you have a good life. And a good marriage overall. Until your husband seemingly wants to throw it all away. At that time, you can feel helpless. And you can be afraid that the life you’ve built is going to come crashing down, even though you’ve done nothing to deserve that.

A wife might explain,” I honestly thought that in the not too distant future, my husband and I could just focus on enjoying our life – with the kids out of the house and retirement in the not-to-distant future. We’ve worked hard to hopefully be able to enjoy things. We certainly aren’t rich. But we’ve been careful. And we’ve worked very hard together. And I’m proud of what we’ve built. We have great kids, a sound business, and we love our community. But my husband has decided that he may not want this anymore. Out of the blue, he told me wants a separation. He says that he wants more adventure and variety in his life, and he knows that it is not in my personality to want to live the way he wants to live moving forward. He doesn’t want the stable lifestyle we’ve worked so hard to build anymore, and I don’t understand it. Are our kids just supposed to suddenly lose that stability without complaint? I don’t get what brought this on, but more than that, I feel absolutely desolate about the idea that he is throwing what we worked so hard on away. Years and years we have spent making this life. And now he just can toss it aside so easily? He said he isn’t asking me for a divorce. He just wants to see how he might feel trying a new type of life. So, while he just galivants around solo, I guess I’m supposed to wait. It’s not fair. I worked for this life. I deserve this life. And he wants to take it away.”

I know how horrible this must feel, but when I listen to statements like this, I hear so much of myself in them at the time when I was separated. And I hear the way that I used to think – the focus on lack, the panic, and the near-desperation to undo what might be done. 

Don’t Allow Your Feelings to Drive the Ship: All of your feelings are understandable. But they are feelings that, if you aren’t careful, will cause you to take actions that may make this marital situation even worse. I know this because that’s exactly what I let the feelings do – cause me to take desperate actions that only drove my husband further away.  

My husband started out like many separated husbands, saying he needed some time, and he ended up being a man who was staying far, far away from me because I became a scared, desperate, anxious person who was afraid of the future and sure of self-fulfilling prophecies.  

I’m very gently trying to suggest that, as soon as you can, you try to take a deep breath and see the big picture. I’ll explain more below.

Focus on What You Still Have:  So much of the commentary above is based on fear. And fear is usually worse than the actual consequences. When you focus on fear, lack is all you see. But when you focus on what you have instead everything shifts, and then you are ready to get to work and do what is necessary to turn this around.

He’s told you he isn’t seeking a divorce. So that is not something you need to worry about immediately. Your family is still intact for now, albeit things are changing (hopefully only temporarily.) You still have a family with great kids. You still have the business. Yes, he is clearly going through something. Many people go through something in mid-life. Some of them come to believe that their marriage, their job, or their lifestyle is to blame. But that usually isn’t true. It’s their coming to terms with aging and the passage of time. Fortunately, many husbands eventually realize this, which is why it’s so important to not overreact and make things worse.

You Don’t Have to Make Your Life Smaller Because He is Struggling:  I have always said that man who acts this way in midlife is a man who is struggling and even suffering. That’s why I always suggest trying to be supportive rather than judgemental. Offer to listen. Offer any assistance he might need.

But take care of yourself, too. When my husband left, my world became quite small at first. It was like I was always waiting for something. I felt like I was in limbo. I felt like until my husband made a decision, I just couldn’t fully live my life. Eventually, I got tired of all that way of thinking. It was a very lonely way to live. 

So I started venturing out a little more. I was lucky because I had family and friends who were more than happy to see more of me. And I began doing and learning new things because I felt like I wanted to start expanding my world rather than shrinking it. Doing this allowed me at least some relief from the loneliness and helplessness, although sometimes I had to force myself out of the house. But I always felt better after getting out. 

Try to Make Small Gains: In the beginning, you may have to just be patient as your husband gets this out of his system. As tempted as you may be to tell him that he’s being selfish and stupid, that never goes well. So you may just have to take care of yourself and offer him a supportive stance. While you are living your life, you can always see if there are places where you can make personal improvements and look at your marriage to see where you might tweak it. And once he begins to soften his stance and perhaps realize that he was hasty, you may have an opportunity to work with him to make changes.  

This is usually a gradual process where you’ll need to accept small gains as you get them. But you’d be surprised how much you can build on small gains. That was almost my entire strategy toward the middle of my separation. And it is part of why I’m married today.  It honestly saved us.  You can read that entire story at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who suspect their husband is experiencing a midlife crisis. The husband will often abruptly make life-altering decisions. He’ll often leave or abandon the things that previously defined his life – like his job or his marriage. And this type of behavior isn’t like him.

Needless to say, wives are often not only shocked and troubled by this behavior, but they’re also not sure how they should respond to it. 

A wife might explain, ” I don’t want to sound rude or judgemental, but my husband is really off his rocker. He’s normally a measured, rational-thinking person. But over the last several weeks, he has made drastic and ridiculous changes without even consulting me. It started when he donated nearly all his clothes. Then he got a new car. After that, he quit his job. The very next day, he backed a bag and told me he wanted to “try on” a separation. He said he just needed to evaluate some things in his life, and he can’t think unless he’s by himself. Of course, I told him this is crazy, and I begged him to reconsider. He got very defensive, and he is pretty much refusing to discuss it. I feel like my life is turned upside down by decisions I have no control over and absolutely no say in. He’s 50, so this is the perfect time for a mid-life crisis, I guess. How can I handle this to have the best chance that he will come to his senses and stop this behavior?”

I can’t tell you how common this topic is. Unfortunately, some men reach a certain point in their lives and believe they are dissatisfied. As a result, they think they need to discard parts of their life that have little to do with their unhappiness.  

I’ve come to believe that there are some things that you can do to minimize the fall-out from his unexpected behavior. I will discuss them below. 

Understand Why You Need to Be Careful: I understand that you must be beyond frustrated. I get why you might want to tell your husband that he’s acting crazy. But you need to understand something. A man who acts like this or a man in a midlife crisis is a man who is struggling. In other words, despite any outward appearances, he doesn’t feel great about himself right now. So if you bring his attention to what you perceive as his crazy, negative behavior, he will only feel worse. Since no one wants to willingly feel negative emotions, he may tune you out at best. Or at worst, he’ll perceive that your negativity requires him to limit or remove your influence from his life. Either way, there’s no upside when you paint his behavior as crazy or undesirable, even if you know it is. The good news is that he will often eventually realize this for himself, so you don’t need to make things worse for yourself by pointing it out.

Avoid Labeling This as a Midlife Crisis:  I can’t think of anyone embracing being labeled as someone experiencing a midlife crisis. The connotation of this phrase is so negative that most people will immediately get defensive when they hear it. No one wants to think of themselves as so old and silly that they would go through a “crisis.” Although you may strongly suspect this is what is happening to your husband, I’d think twice about shouting it from the rooftops. Others may be doing that so that you don’t need to. Or he may even know in his heart that this is true without your needing to alienate him by labeling his behavior.

Focus on Appearing Supportive Rather than Judgemental: Since we’ve hopefully established that husbands who act this way are struggling and are likely at an insecure time in their lives, you will often do better to take a supportive stance. Instead of telling them that his behavior is embarrassing, ask him what you can do to help or support him. He may not take you up on this offer and insist that he just needs time. But at least you have positioned yourself favorably, and he’ll know that he doesn’t necessarily need to avoid you during this process.

Take Care of Yourself While You Process and Wait: I know this is painful. I know that you may be doubting your own worth, his love for you, and how you see your marriage and the bond between you. But please understand that his judgment is clouded by fear and doubt, so he’s not thinking normally. You should not blame or doubt yourself, and you might do everything in your power to surround yourself with the people and things that make you feel supported and loved while you are waiting for him to come to his senses and for things to change. You can’t “make him” realize that he is wrong, but if you show him that, at least on your end, you have value, it can help. And self-respect and self-love can also make you feel a little better. 

Make the Changes You Can Facilitate on Your Own: I would never insinuate that a bit of this is your fault. It isn’t. But when I dealt with this myself, it was helpful to take an honest look at my marriage and then ask myself if there were any places where I could make individual changes to improve our situation and our marriage. Turn out, there were plenty of places. I certainly wasn’t a perfect partner. At times, I took my husband for granted and took much more than I gave. There were places where I could make tiny changes with big results. Most of the changes were honestly not too painful. The heavy lifting had to be done by both of us. But early on, I made some noticeable tweaks, and my husband certainly appreciated this later. Truth be told, I appreciated them too because they made my husband happier, which made my life better and easier. They also made it more likely that he would get on board so we could reconcile. 

I think my husband probably had a mild midlife crisis right before our separation.  Thankfully, I didn’t label it this way to him, but I made some mistakes that alienated him and delayed our reconciliation.  I was able to gradually undo them and we did reconcile eventually and recovered fully.  You can read that whole story at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I know firsthand that when you’re reluctantly separated, you often scour the internet, social media, and forums looking for evidence that people on the brink of divorce were able to save their marriages. If they can do it, you figure, then perhaps you can do it too.

I had those same thoughts, and I did eventually save my marriage. I still made many preventable mistakes, but those tidbits I read about couples on the brink of divorce did reassure me. And since I’ve come out on the other side, eventually saved my marriage, and dialogued with couples who have successfully gone through this, I believe I know several things these couples have in common.  

I’ll list them here. I hope they are helpful. Keep in mind, though, that what may work for some won’t likely work for everyone. You may have to try different things as your situation allows to see what works best for you. Here are the attributes that I’ve seen in couples who’ve turned it around:

One Person Is Motivated:  One of the most common concerns I hear is that one spouse believes she needs to save the marriage herself, and she doubts that this will be possible. I won’t lie. It can be an uphill climb at times. But it is not impossible. For quite a while, I was the only one in my marriage interested in saving it. My husband doubted it was possible and just wasn’t going to put in the effort because he felt it was all a waste of time. His apathy remained no matter how much I tried to beg him, guilt him, or manipulate him. 

That meant that only one person could save us initially – me. And while I ultimately couldn’t do it alone because I eventually needed his cooperation to reconcile, I could do a great deal initially. I was able to make some important progress all on my own. Once my husband saw this progress, he wasn’t as reluctant as before, and he did eventually participate in the process of our reconciliation.  

But none of this would have happened if I’d lost motivation. It was clear to me that my marriage depended on me. There were days when it honestly seemed hopeless and more prudent to give up. Thankfully, I just didn’t have the quit in me at the time. I’m grateful for that now.

An Acceptance that You Can’t Think or Talk Your Way Out of This:  When you’re marriage is in trouble, it’s a fair bet that you and your spouse disagree on some things. Because of this, it’s easy to believe that if you can explain your viewpoint effectively enough, or work hard enough to change his mind, then you’re home free. In my experience and observation, it’s just not going to work this way.  

He likely believes in his viewpoints every bit as much as you do. The conflict isn’t going to magically disappear just because you talk about it repeatedly. Instead, you’re usually going to need to take some action to make some change. It’s ideal if you BOTH make some changes. But initially, you may have to go first. And that can be okay if your taking the initiative is the change that jumpstarts the cooperation necessary to get this process started.  

Someone is Willing to be Vulnerable and Try Something New: If you’re determined to keep going in your relationship the same way, you’re going to get the same results – a marriage in trouble. I do realize that you may be in a situation where you don’t feel that any of this is your fault. I felt that way at times. But eventually, I realized that either way, it was my responsibility to take part in fixing whatever was broken because if I didn’t do it, it might not get done. 

So I had to take a very honest look at the things that were not working in my marriage and be willing to replace those things with something else. This wasn’t always comfortable. I am set in my ways, and I didn’t always like walking outside of my comfort zone. But my husband noticed and then appreciated the effort, making it absolutely worth it. 

There’s a Willingness to See Things From the Other Spouse’s Perspective: I knew what was wrong with my marriage from my own perspective, but my husband didn’t share my views. So continuing on from that perspective wasn’t going to change a thing. I had to look at my marriage from my husband’s perspective. After all, I knew the marriage like the back of my hand from my point of view, but that hadn’t saved us.  

So I got ruthless, and I thought about my marriage in the way that he would. This shift was eye-opening. And a bit hurtful because I had to look at my own flaws. But, this process gave me a really nice road map of what I could address in my marriage. It allowed me to know that if I could successfully address the problems my husband perceived were most troublesome, then he might change his perspective.

There is Patience and Flexibility: Some couples get very lucky. Their separation doesn’t last for very long, and reconciliation comes quickly. But this isn’t true for everyone. Sometimes, unless you just want to give in and “call it” on your marriage, you are going to have to wait it out. You’re going to have some days where you doubt that this will ever end well, and yet, you’re going to have to keep going anyway. 

There will be days when the anger spills over and you wonder how this will ever turn around, and you’ll have to let things calm down before you pick back up again. Sometimes, you’ll need to give things time as you try new strategies, hit setbacks, or just feel discouraged. All of this requires patience. And having patience isn’t easy. But if I didn’t have patience, I would be divorced today. 

A Willingness to Work Together and Compromise When It Matters: If you are lucky and skillful, there will come a time when your spouse becomes less hostile and more receptive. Hopefully, you will have the opportunity to roll up your sleeves and try to make this marriage work again. When that time comes, you must approach things with a spirit of cooperation and compromise.  

Neither of you can expect to get everything you want, nor should either of you expect to make every concession. Instead, you want to work together so that both people are satisfied. You want each person to give a bit to get even more. It is important to think in the long term. Don’t think about the habits, beliefs, and resentments that you are giving up. Think about the new marriage you are gaining. 

I know that this process can ask a lot of you.  I’ve been there.  But I believe these attributes can save marriages.  They certainly helped to save mine.  You can read more about how I did this at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from wives who don’t understand why things suddenly went south during their marital or trial separation. Many of them truly felt that things were going as well as might be expected. Sure, things might have been moving more slowly or less decisively than hoped, but at least they were able to communicate with their separated husband and feel somewhat hopeful about the future. 

Unfortunately, somewhere along the way, something seemingly changed for the husband. He’s gone silent or stopped communicating, and the wife just isn’t sure why.

She might say, “I am not going to lie and claim that we were close to reconciling or getting back together because that isn’t true. But I thought we were holding our own as far as our marriage was concerned. He was always willing to communicate with me, although it was always me who was initiating the communication. Still, he picked up when I called or responded when I texted. We weren’t having earth-shattering conversations or anything, but at least we were regularly talking. I had a loose understanding of what was going on with his life, and I at least knew that he was okay. However, as of last weekend, he cut off all communication. He just stopped answering my calls and texts. At first, I was very worried, but I reached out to a mutual friend who’d gone to a sporting event with him over the weekend and who has seen my husband multiple times since he stopped communicating. And the friend assures me that my husband is completely fine, although the friend claims my husband hasn’t said anything about me or given any indication that he’s gone silent. I don’t like to put our friends in the middle of this, so I’ve tried not to pressure my friend too much. If I’m being honest, I haven’t really taken no for an answer. I keep trying to communicate and my husband keeps just not responding. I wonder if he has blocked me. I wonder what I’ve done wrong. I keep replaying our latest conversations in my head, and nothing bad happened. He got off the phone just as cordial as he was before. He didn’t express any anger or mention anything that was bothering him. It is like he was fine one minute and just gone the next. What can be happening? What should I do? It’s clear he doesn’t want to respond to me. I’ve considered just showing up where he is, but I worry about how he would react to that.”

I would think twice about just showing up. Considering his current behavior, it’s not likely to go well, and you don’t want to get into a situation where you have a confrontation and as a result he thinks he needs to do even more to block you. The entire goal here is to eventually regain access to him. So don’t make the process harder than it already is. 

Possible Reasons for Why He Stopped Communicating: Before we talk about what to do, let’s get some perspective on why this might be happening.  

You always want to ask yourself if it’s possible that he discovered something or heard something that made him change his attitude toward you or the marriage. Since you can’t come up with anything when you think back to communications, is it possible that he discovered or heard something about which you don’t yet know?

If the answer is no, then you want to consider that perhaps he believes that he needs some time to himself. This sometimes happens, especially with spouses who were seeking space or time apart. If they perceive that there’s too much communication and not enough privacy, they will sometimes just try to take that time and privacy by force. They’ll try to give themselves the time and space that they’ve always said they needed.

Where to go from Here:  I know that it may feel like you don’t have many options. But sometimes, your own silence speaks volumes. You know that your husband is okay. If you feel the need to communicate one last time before you change strategies, you might ask your mutual friend to tell him that you hope everything is okay and that you’ll wait to hear from him. Or, you may text the same message.

After that communication, it is honestly best most of the time to just give him some space. I’m not saying that you have to accept no communication for an endless amount of time. But I am suggesting that often, when you do give him the space and time that he is trying to force, he will be able to loosen his grasp once he sees that you’re no longer making him take such a strong stance.

Some of the time, when you go silent for a while, positive things will eventually happen. He will begin to wonder why he hasn’t heard from you – much in the way you’ve wondered the same about him. Or his curiosity will increase. Or, he’ll find that he misses you more than he expected, and he will reach out to resume communication.

My point is that sometimes you don’t need to do much more than to just give it some time and follow his lead. Sometimes, he will reverse course on his own. And by just waiting, you’ve done nothing to make the situation worse. So when he does resume communication, there is no damage to clean up. 

I know that, in a sense, this is like asking you to take a leap of faith. I know that you will worry that you’re not going to ever hear from him, and by willingly going silent, you’re ensuring that once you’re out of sight, you will be out of mind.  

I had these same thoughts. And I allowed them to contribute to my continuing to try to force my husband into communication that he didn’t want. So he completely removed himself from my life for a while. It wasn’t until I had to give him space by force that things eventually changed for the better.  Once I understood that it was better to willingly give space than it have it forced upon me, everything changed.  And my new strategy meant that we eventually reconciled.  You can read about that at https://isavedmymarriage.com 

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By: Leslie Cane: When you are separated from your spouse, it is very natural to want to control as much as you can. It would be great if you had some say in what your spouse did, how he felt, the actions he took, and the ultimate outcome of your separation.

Unfortunately, as soon as the separation begins, you will often feel less in control than you ever have in your relationship. You can’t always know where he is, or what he is doing, or what he wants or feels. You can’t control what he is thinking about you or the marriage or how he spends his time. Although you’d certainly like to, you can’t necessarily control who he is with and what activities he is participating in. 

This lack of control can cause a serious case of anxiety and rumination. After all, if you can’t control how this separation works, how can you be sure that you’ll stay married? The truth is, sometimes, perhaps you can’t. But I believe that you can maximize your odds. Ironically though, some of the time, you need to strategically give up SOME control to maintain the most important elements of control. I’ll explain more below. 

Taking Control of the Most Important Elements First: If at all possible, you want to leave things on a positive note between you and your spouse. Specifically, you want as much access to your husband as you can get. That’s a lot easier to accomplish if you can minimize the animosity, anger, and awkwardness between you. So as tempting as it might be to debate, argue, or split hairs about control right now, resist that urge. Try to remember that the end goal is for him to think favorably of you so that you will have access.

If at all possible, it’s best to try to agree on the type and frequency of communication as soon as possible, ideally before he leaves or the separation begins. Without at least some understanding and agreement about communication, it’s very easy for insecurity and suspicion to take hold if he goes silent, even when it’s for an innocent reason.  

By agreeing to communicate beforehand, that is one less worry. And it allows you to know that you’ll at least get to talk to him at regular intervals so you can put your energy somewhere else. Bonus points if you can agree to get him to see you in person regularly or go to counseling. If not, you’ll need to build slowly by keeping your communication positive and light, so that he wants to continue communicating and you can gradually up the ante. 

Strategic Ways to Give Up Control When You Have or Need To:  What I’m about to write about isn’t my proudest moment, but I believe there’s an important lesson here. I couldn’t get my husband to agree to a defined communication schedule, so I pretty much stalked him when I became panicked about not knowing any details about what was going on with him. I’d assume he was having the time of his life, going out with other people, seeking new challenges and experiences, and just generally moving on. 

When I’d attempt to communicate with him, he was cordial at first, but he quickly lost patience and told me to let him contact me the next time. I truly intended to do just that. I really did. But as time went by and he maintained his silence, I started to get restless again. The pressure began to build up, and I gave in to my worst impulses. Needless to say, my husband completely lost patience and made it much harder for me to have access to him, which only increased my panic level. As I pulled and he pushed, our marriage deteriorated more and more. The misunderstandings became more frequent.

I continued to make things worse for myself because I couldn’t honor my husband’s requests. I knew that something had to give, so I went out of town for just a little while to force myself to go quiet. You can avoid this mistake. You don’t need to take such desperate actions if you don’t try to over-control in the first place.

Thankfully, though, this shift made such a difference. My husband soon learned that I could stick to my promises and eventually, he became receptive to me again. Eventually, he became the one to call me, although this shift took time.

I don’t think this would have happened if I had continued to try to control every single thing about the separation. Here is the truth: you can’t make him give you more time, access, and affection than he is ready to give, no matter how much you may want to. Trying to force it will often mean you’ll lose any ground gained, and you’ll have to work twice as hard to get it back.

Ask yourself what control compromises you can live with because if you don’t, that decision could very well be made for you. Try your best to respect his reasonable boundaries and honor the promises you’ve already made. That way, he’ll have absolutely no reason for animosity or for pulling back.  

I realize I’m asking a great deal from you. I know that it is very counterintuitive to relinquish control when you want to grab at control with both hands. I’m not saying that you should expect nothing from your husband, and just passively wait for him to come around.

But I am suggesting that you agree on a communication schedule and boundaries, and then you uphold your end of the bargain. Keep yourself very busy if you have to. Hang out with friends, pursue new interests, reconnect with family, and take care of yourself. He will then see that you respect yourself and aren’t falling prey to hurtful, yet common mistakes.

Giving the Illusion of Collaboration: Unfortunately, very few separated wives can control every aspect of the separation. Trying to do so will often make things worse and will mean that you and your husband are on separate sides. This is the last thing you want. Instead, you want him to believe that you are doing everything in your power to work with him instead of against him. 

As I alluded to, I stumbled onto giving up some control because I had no choice.  However, if I hadn’t messed up so badly from the jump, I probably could have avoided the desperate measures I had to take.  We did eventually reconcile once I learned how to prioritize the strategies that were most likely to work and I abandoned those that weren’t.  You can read the whole story at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who have heard a hurtful and disturbing message. No matter what words or phrases have been used, a husband has told the wife that he doesn’t want her – or the marriage – anymore. He may say this very directly. Or he may give the wife very vague statements and then withdraw his affection, making it clear that he’s no longer invested in the marriage.  

No matter how he tells you, these words hurt and make you wonder if your marriage stands any chance at all. A wife might say, “My husband and I have been struggling for months. So the fight that we had last night wasn’t a surprise. It’s been building for quite a long time. However, the words my husband said to me were so direct and sounded so final, that it felt very shocking to me. He told me that he was tired of us going round and round and never having any improvement in our marriage. He told me that he wasn’t happy anymore. And he straight up said that he doesn’t want me anymore. I wish I could say that I responded effectively, but I didn’t. I was basically struck dumb and mainly could only stare at him. Eventually, I excused myself, and we haven’t talked about it since. He hasn’t said anything about moving out, and as far as I know, he hasn’t yet taken any action. But I don’t see how he won’t eventually, considering what he said to me. I have no idea what I’m supposed to do with this news. What are you supposed to do when your husband tells you that he doesn’t want you anymore?

I think that the answer depends on if you want him anymore. If you are still invested in your marriage, then you’ll probably want to take some careful, but directed action. It may be positive that he hasn’t taken any steps toward moving out or ending the marriage yet. This means that you may have some time. Now is not the time to panic, although I know it may be hard not to. 

Keep Things In Perspective:  Although your husband’s words hurt, they were likely meant to get your attention. When issues and pressure build-up and nothing changes in your marriage, it’s not uncommon for one of the spouses to say something particularly shocking to get the other’s attention. That doesn’t mean that there isn’t a kernel of truth in his words – he may well be beyond frustrated, but he might be delivering his message in a dramatic way that is meant to shock you into taking some action. He confirmed that he is tired of nothing ever changing. If you are still invested in your marriage, it’s a good idea to be proactive now rather than waiting for the next shoe to fall.

Respond Carefully:  It’s probably optimal to let things cool off for a day or two before you attempt to respond to your husband’s words. When you do, you want to be very careful. You don’t want to come across as desperate or panicked. You don’t want to be overly defensive or imply that your husband has no right to want to be happier or to voice his feelings. Instead, you may want to try something like, “I heard what you said loud and clear, but, on my end, I don’t feel the same way. I still want our marriage, and I still want you. I hope that in the coming weeks, you’ll let me prove to you that things can improve if we take action rather than lashing out at each other.”

Then wait and see if he has any response. It might be too soon for him to hop on board because he may have his doubts about what you are saying. If that is the case, you’ll have to prove that real change is possible as you are able to. He may resist you or doubt you or just not be receptive. You may have to keep going with a positive attitude and wait him out. My husband wanted nothing to do with a reconciliation at first. I just had to keep going anyway until I could finally convince him that I’d made meaningful, lasting changes. And this took time because he had doubts that he wasn’t willing to part with.  

Moving Forward as You are Able: One of the trickiest things about this situation is that sometimes, you will have to work on your own. If you have a resistant husband who thinks he isn’t invested and believes that nothing is going to change, you have a challenge to overcome. He likely won’t help you. He may not even believe you. So you’ll have to take advantage of even the smallest opportunities to prove him wrong.  

The requires an extreme amount of patience and determination at times. He may even openly thwart you or tell you that your efforts won’t work. As hard as it may feel, you’ll have to keep going anyway, although sometimes you may have to regroup and wait. If he’s extremely resistant or hostile, sometimes you’ll need to take a break and allow things to cool off.  

You have to become very good at reading his cues to know when you can try to move forward and know when you can wait. Before I learned this subtle difference, I would sometimes make things worse for myself. Because I would push too hard for too long and then my husband would push back, and I’d have even more ground to make up.

Sometimes the best thing that you can do is to wait. If the time isn’t right, pick a better time. I know that you can feel as if you have to do something right this second, but that isn’t always true. Sometimes if you are patient, calm, reassuring, and pleasant, things will improve without your needing to pound the table too hard. And with improvement, he should become more receptive. Once he is receptive, that is when the real work can begin. 

If it helps, you can read about the gradual approach that I eventually lucked into at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: There’s no question that many desperate spouses are looking for something to do or say to save their marriage. Often, one spouse is considering a way out while the other wants to save the marriage at all costs. So sometimes, there can be an idea that if you just knew what to say, or you could say what is in your heart with the right words, you could somehow save your marriage.

A wife in this situation might say, “My husband and I are separated, and because he doesn’t live here, I don’t get to talk to him as often as I’d like. When I do talk to him, I have to be very hesitant because, at times, it’s like talking to a stranger. He is quick to anger, and he constantly finds fault with whatever I say. Lately, it is hard for us to talk without fighting. I so badly want to change this dynamic because I so badly want to save my marriage. I don’t think that he’s nearly as motivated to do that as I am. Lately, when I’m around him, I get tongue-tied. I know that there must be something to say that will make my situation better and hopefully lead to me saving my marriage. But I don’t know what that something is. Everything I try gets a poor response. What can I say to my husband to save my marriage?”

I too used to think that there were magic words that would help me save my marriage when I was separated. And frankly, I did save my marriage. But it wasn’t solely because of what I said. It was because of what I said and THEN because of what I did. 

Don’t get me wrong. There are definitely words and phrases that you can use that might get your husband’s attention. And I’ll share them below. But if all you do is talk, your husband is likely to remain unconvinced and think that you are all talk and no action.

While the perfect thing to say is going to be individual to many couples and based on the situation, I believe that some general phrases can work well in most situations. You can tweak these phrases to be more personal to your situation and your marriage. Below are the phrases that I think are beneficial. 

I Want to Listen to What You Have to Say:  

If you remember nothing else from this article, please remember this. Your spouse wants to be heard. Your spouse wants to believe that you understand and appreciate what he’s telling you. He wants to know that you will sit there and allow him to talk uninterrupted until he is finished saying what he needs to say.

Even more importantly, he wants to know that you understand what he is saying and that you don’t judge him for it even if you think that he is wrong. It’s important that if you say that you’re willing to listen, you are willing to back it up and listen without judgment or interruption. Your goal is to make him feel heard first and foremost. Do not have any other agenda because he can tell the difference.

Initially, he may not wish to talk about anything that seems important or earth shattering. That’s okay. You just want to set a precedent of him talking and you listening.

What is the One Thing You Would Change if You Could?  

Sometimes, it is tricky to ask this question. Sometimes, you have to sneak it in at a nostalgic or unexpected moment, but the answer to this question is important. Because you’re often not dealing with only one issue when you are separated. There is likely more than one.  

As a result, it’s easy to become scattered, overwhelmed, and discouraged. It can feel like you have too many problems to effectively solve, and so you may as well give up. But if you can talk your husband into naming the most troublesome problem, then suddenly you know where to place your focus.

And if you have success on that one issue, then your husband may begin to realize that making positive changes is no longer out of the question. 

I’m Willing to Compromise or Meet You HalfWay:  

People who tell me that there is no hope for their marriage often don’t understand one very important truth. Being apart from your spouse and being alone has a way of making people more willing to compromise than they were before.

There were some issues about which I was unwilling to budge in my own marriage – until I spent weeks and weeks alone. And then you can bet that I became more willing to give a little. The issues that seemed so set in stone before suddenly seemed more flexible.  

People’s perceptions can definitely change during a separation, and you can often use this to your advantage.

I’m Willing to Be Patient and Take a Gradual Approach:

So often in this separation scenario, I see one spouse who wants some space and time and another spouse who wants to lure the other home as soon as possible. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that something has to give.

When you have an immediate or an “all or nothing” mindset, you’re much more likely to pressure your husband. And husbands who initiate separations don’t want to be pressured. They want time.  

This may not be what you want to hear. I didn’t want to hear this, either. I fought against it with everything I had because I had my own agenda. But I was forced to accept a more gradual timeline.

Don’t wait until you are forced. You will do yourself a huge favor if you accept that this process might gradual. I know you want magic words that you can say and have everything all fall into place. And saying the right words at the right time definitely helps and gives you a starting point. But you’ll need to follow those words with actions and work methodically to truly save your marriage so that both spouses are equally on board and enthusiastic.

I know that the process may seem daunting to you now, but it’s not impossible. My marriage truly looked doomed. And I was able to be eventually be successful. You can read the whole story at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: It’s a somewhat cruel irony. When you are separated but are hoping to reconcile, it is advantageous to display your best self to your husband as often as you can. This helps him to miss you, see what he is missing, and remember what he loved about you in the first place. Unfortunately, this best version of yourself often goes into hiding during your separation – precisely when you need her to show herself the most.

A wife might say, “There is no other way to say it. I am an emotional and even a physical mess since my husband and I separated. I looked in the mirror this morning, and I didn’t even recognize myself. I have bags under my eyes. I look haunted. I look frightened. But it’s more than just my looks. Emotionally, I am lost. I walk around so frightened all of the time, like something awful is just around the corner, and there is no way for me to prevent it. My husband is doing much better during this separation than I am. He seems to be coping well. He almost seems to be happier, and I almost begrudge him this, which makes me feel extremely petty. I shouldn’t want my husband to feel pain, but if I am being honest, I’d feel better if I thought he was experiencing some of the same pain that I am experiencing. I find myself wanting him to feel the longing that I feel. I am jealous of his friends who get to spend time with him. I am insecure and unsure about what I might have to offer now. And I know I have to snap out of this. Why would he want me back if he knew I was like this? But I am not sure how to stop.”

I understand where you are. I too was stuck in unproductive loops of rumination during my own separation. And it wasn’t just one specific thing that got me out of it. Rather, it was a combination of surrounding myself with loving support, forcing myself to do things that distracted me from my unrelenting focus on my fears, therapy, a change in approach when it came to my husband, and a whole lot of self-care.

Thankfully, as I improved myself, my relationship with my husband began to improve also. But that was a long time coming. I really got to a low bottom before I realized that I had to change something, as much for myself as for my marriage. I was very unhappy and I was suffering and trapped in my own negative thoughts. And I needed to change for myself every bit as much as I needed to change for my marriage.

Below, I’ll offer some specifics that helped me. I didn’t do all of these things all at once. That would have felt a bit overwhelming. Instead, I gained momentum quite slowly.

Loving Support:

I can’t lie about this one. I’m just lucky. I have family members and friends who weren’t going to allow me to brush them off. Oh, I tried. I tried very hard. I was downright rude and reclusive sometimes. But the people who loved me refused to be put off. They forced me to go places and do things with them. Sometimes, this was the last thing I wanted to do. But every single time I went, I felt better. Eventually, as I saw over and over again that being with others benefitted me, I stopped fighting it.

Focusing on Other Things:

If you sit in your home and think about your husband and your separation every minute, you will ruminate. And that rumination feeds upon itself until you’re thinking of nothing but the worst-case scenarios.

I found that I couldn’t “think” myself out of ruminations. Instead, I had to literally force myself to do something else. Often, this involved getting out of the house and helping someone else. Other times, it was a physical activity such as washing my car, organizing my closets, taking a painting class, or even exercising. My home has never been that clean and organized again, but staying busy made me feel like I’d accomplished something, and it paused the ruminating.

In time, this new focus calmed me down, and my husband definitely eventually noticed the shift, but more than that, it made my situation more bearable.

A Shift of Focus:

When I first began my separation, my focus was almost entirely on what I lacked. To put it bluntly, I felt very sorry for myself. And my focus was solely on me – what I wanted, what I didn’t have, what I had lost. I was miserable, and I was miserable to be around in that state. If there’s any good news about feeling this way, it is that eventually, it becomes so exhausting that you realize you want it to stop immediately, and you look for ways to shake it off.

I did seek help from a therapist, and I thought long and hard about whether my mindset was serving me. I looked in my journal and was able to clearly see that my thought patterns were extremely negative and self-limiting. I had to work very hard on consciously changing the way that I was thinking. I was living as if the worst had already happened, so I was doubling my fear and misery. Changing my thinking required constant work and scrutiny. I had to learn how to question the thoughts that were constantly popping into my head as well as my assumptions, but doing this made my thinking clearer, which improved my situation substantially.

I stayed in a better headspace for a while without doing any additional work. But when I felt I’d been stable for a while and was therefore ready, I took an honest look at my part in the deterioration of my marriage and made some genuine, but sustainable changes. I didn’t know if these things would make any difference to my husband, but I knew that these changes were needed regardless.

As I slowly began to make many improvements, my self-esteem improved. This is very important. It is so much easier to sell your husband an improved, more vibrant version of yourself if you know that it’s actually true. Do whatever you need to do to improve your self-esteem. It’s very important. And don’t always assume that your husband is doing great while you are not. You can’t know someone else’s reality.

I don’t want to make it sound like I got better immediately. That’s just not true. This was a gradual process, and I had plenty of miserable days, but I just got tired of always feeling bad about my situation and about myself. There is no shame in getting help if you need it. But if you feel as if you need a change, then start small and go about making it. Don’t take on too much, but slowly and steadily do small things that you know in your heart will make things better.

You’re welcome to read about my own process during my separation at https://isavedmymarriage.com.  My progress wasn’t always linear, but there were some small shifts that made big differences.

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By: Leslie Cane: One of the most confusing things to unpack during a marital separation is how often the spouses will communicate with one another. Very often, the two spouses have different wishes about the amount of communication between them. That’s because it’s not uncommon that one spouse wants more space and time apart while the other spouse needs communication to feel reassured. So you get one spouse pushing away while the other spouse is trying to pull closer. Needless to say, this can create tension and confusion.

Often, wives who didn’t want to separate and who now want more communication worry when their husband isn’t reaching out or taking calls or texts.

One of them might say, “when my husband left our house for a separation, I asked when I might hear from him. He said that I should let him be the one to call me because he just needed space for a while, and he didn’t feel that we should be in constant contact with each other. He strongly felt that we needed to give each other some time. There was no way that I could change his mind about this even though I didn’t agree, so I said nothing. Now it has been over two weeks. I still haven’t heard from him, and I’m panicked. I know he’s fine because I’m in contact with his sister. I worry that he has no intention of calling me and that I’ll hear from him when it’s time for me to get divorce papers. Otherwise, why wouldn’t he have called?”

This Silence Can Be Painful, But It Can Also Be Normal:

I know firsthand how bad this feels. It feels like the worst sort of rejection, and it feels like the confirmation of your worst fears. However, he may be still settling in, evaluating, and taking his space. His keeping silent right now doesn’t mean that he will do so forever. Plus, he may be trying to set a precedent of having some space. This is not uncommon at the beginning of a separation. He hasn’t had time to miss you or to feel the void of things that he is now missing in his life. Once he does, that’s when it is common to see him initiate more contact. But it’s a little too early for that phase right now.

How to Move Forward While Still Respecting Boundaries:

If you’re having a very hard time doing nothing, I don’t think that it would be too catastrophic to just send a quick text asking if everything is okay. Yes, I know you know that he is okay, but you’re still within your rights to ask. He’s still your husband and you still care about his wellbeing. He’s free to answer the text at his own convenience with as much as or little information as he wants. Most people wouldn’t object to that little bit of contact. His response may also give you a bit more information about where he is at mentally and emotionally.

Understand the Balance You’re Seeking:

I admit that this situation is quite tricky. Your husband has gone out of his way to try to set boundaries with communication. If he perceives that you’re repeatedly going to try to cross these boundaries, he may pull away or, even worse, make it harder for you to contact him.

That doesn’t mean that you have to pretend like he doesn’t exist and just wait endlessly for him to call you. But it might mean that you have to be careful with reading his cues when you do communicate. If it’s obvious that he’s frustrated and non-receptive, then you may want to give it some time. If he’s happy to hear from you or reaches out to you, then it’s probably a little safer to move forward.

Maximizing Opportunities:

In the beginning of your separation, you’re still trying to establish what is normal or comfortable, so communication might naturally be less at first. That means that you’ll need to make the most of it when it happens. As best as you can, try to make speaking or communicating a pleasurable experience. You may not exactly feel upbeat, but that doesn’t mean you can’t convey the same. Try to make sure that he leaves the conversation not opposed to speaking with you again soon.

Yes, this may mean that you need to save the difficult conversations for later. Initially, you’re only trying to establish regular, positive rapport. You’ll build on that later, but in the beginning, things are usually too delicate to do much heavy lifting, unless you have a very willing partner.

You’ll help yourself considerably if you find a way to be lighthearted and playful when you may be feeling anything but. I know this sounds like I’m asking you to fake it. I’m really not. You can be as honest as you need to with your journal, therapist, and friends. But when you’re trying to get your spouse comfortable talking to you regularly, you want that to be a pleasant experience. It can’t be pleasant if you spend that time projecting your fears and doubts onto the conversation.

I do realize that eventually, you will need to have some difficult conversations, but the time is usually not in the beginning of your separation. Because in the beginning, you’re establishing your new normal and you want to make sure it’s clear that you welcome regular, productive, but easy and low-pressure communication.

If all you talk about is pleasant small talk but you both enjoy it, that’s totally fine initially. You could talk about sports or the weather as long as you’re both willingly participating in the conversation. I know it may seem silly and like you’re taking a step backward to lower the pressure, but you’re trying to establish a positive base on which you can work and build.

To answer the original question, though, you might not yet have heard from your husband because he’s still working on those boundaries or he doesn’t yet feel he’s had enough space. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with briefly reaching out, but I’d keep it positive and brief.

I say this only because I’ve been there.  My husband was very non-responsive initially during our separation and I made it worse with my pushing and my constant need for reassurance.  As a result, I made much more work for myself.  Eventually, my hard-headed self realized that I needed to strategically back away some to gain some ground. You can read that story at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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