My Husband Won’t Say It’s Over But He Won’t Commit To Our Marriage Either

By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from wives who feel as if their marriage (and therefore their life) is in limbo. Often, their husband has been pulling away from them and the marriage. Sometimes, the husband has gone so far as to hint, suggest, or initiate a break or separation. The wife can assume that this means the marriage is over, but many husbands stop short at confirming this, which can be maddening for the wife.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband moved out six months ago. When he left the house, he told me he wanted some space to rediscover himself and he promised that he would go with me to counseling. That never happened. We haven’t seen each other on any regular basis. He does regularly see the kids, but I am not included in these visits. He says that he isn’t seeing anyone else, but I am not sure if I believe him. The other day, I told him that it wasn’t fair for us to live in limbo like this. I told him to be honest with me about what is going to happen with our marriage. I looked him right in the face and said ‘tell me the truth. Is it over?’ He answered by telling me that for now, it wasn’t over. So I immediately said that if it wasn’t over, did that mean he was going to commit to our marriage. I was very disappointed when he said he could not make that commitment yet. This just doesn’t make sense to me. If he stops short of saying it’s over but won’t commit to helping me save my marriage, where does this leave me?”

I really felt for this wife because I have been there myself although I did save my marriage. When you are in this situation, you feel as if your life is on hold. You don’t want to get your hopes up only to have them slashed later. But you certainly don’t want to give up on your marriage either. So, what do you do? Well, there are a couple of things, which I’ll discuss below.

Although It May Not Feel Like It Now, It Can Be Good News (And A Positive Thing) That Your Husband Won’t Say Your Marriage Is Over: I know that his refusing to say that the marriage is over while also refusing to commit to saving it might not feel like much of a victory. But believe me, it can be. Because I hear from so many wives on my blog whose husbands are being very direct and clear that their marriage is absolutely over. In fact, these husbands often give their wives no hope whatsoever that the marriage can be saved.

So as confused and as frustrated as you might be, know that at least you’re still being given some hope. Granted, he may be sending you mixed signals and you don’t know what tomorrow brings. But he has stopped short of saying that it is totally and completely over. And in my experience and opinion, this can be very significant. As I see it, you can use that as the catalyst to move forward with a positive and hopeful attitude because this will help you no matter what tomorrow is going to bring.

Working On Yourself While Waiting For Him To Make A More Definite Decision: It’s my opinion that the worst thing that you can do right now is to pressure your husband about making a quick decision. I know that you are anxious to get some conformation and move on. But your husband has repeatedly shown you that he’s not ready to give it. If you push too hard, he may just go right ahead and say it’s over even if this is not what he really wants or how he really feels just because you didn’t give him the time he needed to come to a genuine decision. You don’t want to force him into the rushed answer which might be the very one that you do not want.

When I was going through this situation, my attitude was always that as long as he wasn’t telling me that it was over or filing for divorce, there was still a chance that he might ultimately come to the decision that saved our marriage (And ultimately, this is what happened. ) I know that you feel like you are in limbo, but while you are waiting for your husband to come to the best decision, there is nothing that says that you can’t begin to move forward in a healthy way on your own.

The wife said that her husband hadn’t make good on his promise to go to counseling, but nothing said that she could not pursue this on her own. Helping yourself will provide you with some relief. If going to counseling by yourself makes you uncomfortable, there are plenty of resources (many free) that you can try in your own home that doesn’t require you to go anywhere.

And let me tell you a secret. Often, when you begin to make improvements to yourself or within your own life, this is going to improve the way that you approach and interact with your husband, which in turn is going to improve your marriage. I know that you may be skeptical of this, but I can’t tell you how many times I have seen it work. The truth is, your husband will often notice positive changes in you and will respond accordingly in his own positive way.

In my own case, I begged and pleaded with my husband to make the decision to come home. I laid on the guilt and the pressure and still, he kept delaying any commitment or decision. In fact, the more I pushed him, the less I saw or heard from him. He was avoiding me because he didn’t like dealing with my drama. Eventually I gave up this strategy because I truly didn’t have a choice. It wasn’t until I backed off and worked on myself that he began to pursue me and this made all the difference.

Since you truly are in a position where you need have the patience to give him some space, what is the harm in trying to make the best of the situation while you are doing it, especially when the very act of this can improve your changes of saving your marriage?

As I alluded to, my husband wouldn’t make a commitment to our marriage when we were separated. And the more I pressured him, the worse things got. It wasn’t until I backed up and focused on myself that things got better and we eventually saved our marriage. If it helps, you can read the whole personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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What To Do When You’re Separated And Your Spouse Is Seeing Someone Else

By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from people (usually wives) who are beside themselves because they have recently learned that their separated spouse is seeing someone else. Often, they were still holding out some hope that they could save their marriage, so they aren’t sure how to react to this.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband asked for a separation about seven months ago. I definitely didn’t want one, but I agreed to it only because it was clear that it was either going to be a separation or divorce. He’s living in an apartment about five miles away. We’ve remained in touch throughout this process. I was hoping we would go to counseling, but we haven’t. All along, my husband has been very private about how he was living his life. When I would ask about his romantic life, he would make it clear that this topic is off limits. Yesterday, one of my friends called me and said that she saw my husband out on a date with someone else. When my friend approached him, he introduced her to this other woman as if it were the most natural thing in the world. What am I supposed to do now? I still want to save my marriage. But how is that going to be possible when there is a new woman in his life? Should I confront him? Should I pretend I have someone else to make him jealous? Should I try to break them up? What is the best way to handle this?”

I know that this can be a very challenging hurdle. But it’s very important that you keep this in perspective and not overreact, which I will discuss below.

Don’t Make His Seeing Someone Else More Than It Is: I know it’s very easy to assume that once your husband begins dating again, you have lost him for good. But honestly, the wife in this situation didn’t yet know how serious the relationship was. She didn’t even know if what the friend witnessed was a romantic date. And even if it was, a date or two certainly doesn’t mean that the husband was going to end up marrying the other woman. Plus, it’s not unusual for husbands to make the attempt to start dating again, only to come to the conclusion that no one holds a candle to his wife and that all these attempts at dating are really attempts to replace her – which isn’t even possible.

But if you panic, overreact,  suddenly start making all sorts of demands or begin behaving negatively then you actually decrease the odds of him realizing it’s you he wants. So, to the extent that you can, try not to overreact and attempt to keep this in perspective. A couple of dates don’t have to mean anything.

Should You Date  In Order To Make Him Jealous? Should You Try To Break Them Up?: The wife in this situation was tempted to try to find out more about the other woman and then come up with a plan meant to break them up. This so rarely works out well. Often, the husband will end up resenting the intrusion and will end up defending her just to spite you. Really, you don’t want to set it up so that you are on opposing sides of your husband.

The decision about dating someone else is one that you yourself will have to make. I was never able to do this because I was still very invested in my husband and in saving my marriage.  I felt as if this would have been living a lie. I felt like it would not only fake posturing, but a bad idea as well.

That’s not to say that I didn’t sometimes neglect to tell my husband where I was or who I was with so that he would wonder. But I always stopped short of claiming relationships that didn’t exist.

How Are You Supposed To Save Your Marriage When He’s Seeing Someone Else Or Starting To Date Again?: You have to see your marriage and his life outside of you as two separate things. You can’t allow your own fears and insecurities to place a dark cloud over your interactions with your husband.

And even if he does have a life outside of your marriage, there will be times when you will need to interact with him. When this time comes, make sure you remain positive and upbeat. Make sure you are pleasurable to be around. And as tempting as it may be, do not dwell on or demand answers about the other person. It’s very important that you make your interactions about the two of you – not about him and someone else. Give the impression that you are confident that he will eventually come to realize who and what he wants and that someone is going to be you.

I know that you may well doubt this right now, but believe me when I say it’s somewhat rare for the first person a man dates during a separation to end up being “the one.” And quite frankly, if you are able to reconnect with him during the separation and make small improvements that lead up to big ones, there’s every chance that you are still “the one” for him. And if this is so, the natural progression of things is to save your marriage so that in the end, you don’t even need to worry about her.

I had my suspicions that my husband was seeing other people during our separation.  He would never admit to this and the thought of him with someone else drove me crazy.  But it wasn’t until I placed his focus on him and myself and stopped worrying so much about external factors that things began to change for the better.  Because of my shift in focus, we eventually did save our marriage.  You can read the whole emotional story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

 

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My Husband Filed For Divorce Suddenly – What Should I Do? Tips and Advice That May Help

by: Leslie Cane: I once heard from a wife was still in shock that she had received divorce papers at her office without any warning. She knew that for the last few months, things had not been all that great between her and her husband. But she assumed that they had just been going through a rough patch that would pass as it always did. In fact, her husband had never even mentioned divorce, and she was stunned that she was now staring at divorce papers, unsure of how she should react.

She was sure about one thing. She did not want a divorce. She took her marriage vows very seriously, and she certainly did not want to break up her family. She was prepared to fight for the marriage, but she was completely unsure of what her husband was thinking since he clearly did not involve her in his decision to file for divorce. She wanted to know how she should react and proceed. I will tell you what I told her in the following article.

I Know That His Filing For Divorce Was Sudden And Unexpected, But Don’t Let That Derail You: I get emails like this quite a bit. And, quite understandably, the wife is usually fixated on the fact that she never saw it coming. She’s usually devastated that her husband did not give her the courtesy or the respect to discuss this with her (or at least to warn her) before she received divorce papers.

This, of course, usually makes her take pause as to how to respond. She feels incredibly betrayed and isn’t sure how to approach someone who clearly did not want to discuss this beforehand. I completely understand this. But, coming up with a resolution to this problem is going to require that, at some point, you’re able to effectively communicate with your spouse.

So, even though the temptation to focus on this coming from out of the blue is going to be very high, resist the urge to respond so negatively that you derail or delay your ability to begin to lay some foundation for communication and cooperation.

When You Respond To His Sudden Request For A Divorce, Always Consider The Perception That You Are Giving Off: I sometimes have husbands who have requested a divorce visit my blog. Sometimes, they leave comments or contact me. And, most of them indicate that in the end they decided to go ahead and press for the divorce because they just could not see a healthy resolution. They finally decided that things just could not or would not change enough to make the marriage satisfying or fulfilling for them.

There are many reasons that they might give for this, but often they feel that they and their spouse are no longer connected enough to give it a serious try. So, they have come to the conclusion that since no real and lasting change is on the horizon, it’s better to just cut their losses now. Always try to remember this when you respond to them.

Because if you come in and respond with anger, accusations, or things that induce negative responses from him, you’re only digging a deeper hole for this situation. You’re only reinforcing those negative perceptions. So, in his mind, he’s thinking, “see I knew that I was right. We are just never going to be able to communicate in a positive way again.”

As hard as it may be, and as much as you may be acting, you’re better off just focusing on right is in front of you rather than the fact that you were blindsided. It’s best to wait to come face to face with him until you can respond with some sense of control. What you want to get across is that you’re sorry that he’s so unhappy. You want him to know that your real goal in your marriage was for both of you to be fulfilled and happy together.

To that end, you aren’t going to react badly and just make the situation worse. Instead, you’re going to take the high road and try to work with him to get the two of you to a place where you can interact on a positive level because, whatever happens, he’s one of the most important people in your life and you don’t want to lose the relationship – no matter if the nature of it ultimately changes. Now, you and I both know you have an ulterior motive, but he doesn’t need to know that.

If you give off the impression that you are going to be working with him rather than against him, then he is going to give you easier access to him, which you will need in the days and weeks to come.

Accepting Small Victories When You Are Hoping For Bigger Ones: Ultimately, you want to play your part so well that he begins to consider that his perceptions about you and the marriage may well have been wrong. This might take some time. You may have to appreciate small victories where you have interactions that are cordial and lighthearted. This will hopefully lead to both of you wanting more. I will leave your legal strategies to the attorneys, but strategies meant to get him to change his mind about the divorce will almost always work better if you don’t push too hard, give off the impression that you are trying to help him improve things so that you are both happier, and insinuate that you are working with him rather than against him.

And it’s almost always not in your best interest to dwell on the fact that the divorce was so sudden and how unfair this was. That’s not to say that you aren’t right about it being unfair, but what’s done is done. You have to focus on moving forward and getting what you want rather than on looking back.

I had grave doubts about going forward with the divorce, but I didn’t speak up in the right way. I used negative tactics rather than positive ones. This did a lot of damage and I had a lot of catching up to do, but luckily, over time (and by taking calculated baby steps), I was able to reestablish intimacy and bring back his love so that we were BOTH happy. You can read about how I did that on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com.

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We’re Separated But I Can’t Stop Loving My Husband. What Can I Do?

By: Leslie Cane: A good deal of the correspondence that I get comes from wives who are going through a separation with their husbands. Many are struggling a great deal. Most tell me that they still love their husbands, no matter what the state of their marriage is or how their husband is acting at the time.

I recently heard from a wife who was struggling with her feelings when many people told her that she was setting herself up for more pain and disappointment. She said, in part: “my husband and I have been separated for about three weeks. The separation was his choice. I didn’t want it but he insisted that it was something he felt that we had to try.  He’s been pretty distant and hasn’t given me a lot of encouragement.  He told a mutual friend of ours that he wants to see other people.  Even so, I can’t stop loving him.  I love my husband as much today even though we are separated as I did when we were first married.  My friends tell me that I’m crazy and that I’m just asking for more disappointment.  But I can’t seem to help it.  Am I just supposed to turn off my love at will?  Because I can’t do it.  Part of me realizes that I’m fighting a losing battle but another part of me thinks that we are not divorced yet and he hasn’t told me to back off or that he doesn’t love me. As long as there’s a chance, I’m going to keep right on loving him because my feelings are my own.  It might be ill advised or silly, but I’m just not ready to let him go.”

I understood how this wife felt on so many levels.  Some of her story mirrored my own story when I was trying to save my own marriage.  And although I’m sure that her friends meant well, they probably weren’t telling the wife what she already didn’t know and what she needed was their support rather than them pointing out her vulnerabilities.  And actually, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with loving your husband while you are separated, even if things don’t always look that promising.  I’ll tell you why in the following article.

Sometimes, There’s A Reason That You Are Separated And Not Divorced.  And He Is Still Your Husband.  Why Wouldn’t You Love Him?: From the wife’s descriptions, it seemed as if her friends had pretty much written off her marriage.  They were giving her the impression that she should just give up.  But, this marriage was the wife’s and the wife’s alone.  I’m sure that her friends believed that they were helping her.   But a separation doesn’t necessarily mean that your marriage is over.  If both spouses chose a separation over a divorce, this truly says something, at least in my opinion.  Usually when the marriage is over, that means a final divorce that never recovers.  And that wasn’t the case yet.

I would also defend anyone’s right to love the person of his or her own choosing.  Is loving someone always in your best interest?  Maybe not.  But love isn’t something that you just decide to stop participating in because of logic or circumstances.  Your feelings and your heart make that decision.  Your brain does not.  Always using logical thinking when love and your marriage is concerned isn’t always easy or even advisable.

I know couples who still openly admit they still  love each other even when they are divorced.  There’s nothing wrong with that, in my opinion.  It’s not up to anyone to tell you who you should or should not love.  I know that I may sound defensive, but it bothers me when people tell others how they should feel.   Love, affection, and marital feelings are  deeply personal, and concern only the two people involved.

Tips For When You’re Separated, Still Love Your Spouse, But Want To Proceed In The Most Healthy Way That Is Possible: With all of the above said, there’s no doubt in my mind that this wife’s friends and family really did want to help her.  I am certain their hearts were in the right place.   They were likely reacting to seeing her hurting and they went into protective mode, which is certainly understandable.

I’m not denying that it’s a good idea to try to respond to your feelings in the most healthy way possible.  Although it was unrealistic (and a bit unfair) to expect the wife to just turn off her feelings or proclaim that she was going to try to not love her husband as much during the separation, it was understandable for them to want to handle it in a healthy way.  Her love for him didn’t mean that she shouldn’t focus on herself or to try to keep herself busy, positive, and active during the separation.

Because when we love someone that we are separated from (or when our relationship is struggling) it’s very easy to make that (and the pain that we feel as the result) our sole focus.  And this is where things can turn unhealthy.  When I was separated from my husband, I initially distanced myself from my support system and became quite depressed.  I withdrew from things that I enjoyed.  As a result,  I wasn’t all that pleasant to be around.  Needless to say, none of this made me more attractive to my husband.

It wasn’t until I forced myself to place my attention on other things, to try to focus on the positive,  and to live the best life that was possible for me at the time that things changed.  My outlook improved, my ability to cope was enhanced, and eventually, my husband started showing more interest in me.  Some time later, we reconciled.  I don’t want to claim that changing your focus means that things will always work out or that you can always save your marriage during a separation with your attitude alone.  Situations and marriages vary.  But I do think that there’s no reason to put your life completely on hold while you are separated.  And this is true whether you still love your spouse or not.

I completely understood and supported this wife’s love for her husband even during her separation.  But I hoped that she wouldn’t allow this love (and her complete focus on it) to allow her to feel pain or to put her life on hold.  In fact, I felt if she tried to do the opposite, her outlook (and possibly her situation and her marriage) might improve.

I certainly never stopped loving my husband during our separation.  But I think my husband had his doubts that he still loved me.  He had seemingly moved on and wanted me to do the same. I knew that, at least from my end, it was not yet time to call it quits. Thankfully, even though I had doubts, I lucked into trying one last thing and this eventually worked. If it helps, you can read more of that personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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My Husband Admitted That He Isn’t Sure He Wants to Be Married to Me Anymore and Might Want a Divorce. What Now?

By: Leslie Cane: Few things land harder than hearing your husband — the man you’ve shared your life, dreams, and history with — say he’s not sure if he wants to be married to you anymore. Just like that, your world is turned upside down, and the world you thought you knew is now spinning off its axis.

You may have sensed something was off. Maybe he’d grown more distant, less affectionate, or less engaged in family or couple life. Maybe he’s been irritable, withdrawn, or unusually quiet. And deep down, you knew something was wrong.

But hearing the words out loud — “I don’t know if I want to be married anymore,” or worse, “I’m thinking about a divorce” — can knock the wind right out of you.

If this is where you are right now, I want you to know something. This moment doesn’t necessarily mean the end if you play your cards right.

Yes, this can be serious. I won’t lie to you.  And, yes, it’s painful. But it also may be a turning point — and how you respond right now can have more influence than you think.

Let’s talk through what may be happening beneath the surface, what not to do (even though it might feel tempting), and what steps you can take to give your marriage the best possible chance of surviving — and maybe even thriving again, eventually.

What He Might Really Be Saying (Even If It’s Hard to Hear:) When a husband says he’s unsure about the marriage or mentions divorce, it’s easy to assume he’s completely checked out — that the love is gone and there’s no hope left.

But in many cases, those words don’t mean he’s done with the marriage. They often mean he’s:

  • Burnt out from conflict or disconnection,

  • Feeling like nothing will change, no matter how much he tries,

  • Craving the emotional peace he doesn’t know how to get inside the relationship.

Sometimes, men say, “I don’t think I want to be married anymore,” because they’re looking for space — or because they want their feelings to finally be heard.

It doesn’t mean they’ve stopped caring. It means they’ve hit a wall and don’t see another way forward yet.

This doesn’t mean you should ignore the statement. It’s definitely a cry for change. But it also doesn’t mean you have to panic or believe it’s already over. However, it does mean you need to pay attention. And you need to be very strategic right now.

Why Begging, Chasing, or Over-Explaining Rarely Works:

When you love someone and feel them slipping away, the natural instinct is to grab on and hold tightly.

You might want to:

  • Plead with him to reconsider,

  • Remind him of your history or the family you built,

  • Ask a hundred “why?” questions,

  • Reassure him you’ll do anything to make it right.

All of these reactions come from BOTH love and fear, and that’s completely understandable. But in my experience, when a husband is emotionally overwhelmed or leaning toward separation, more pressure often makes him pull away faster. That will just make your job harder in the end.

He’s not looking for emotional intensity right now. He’s looking for relief. And if every conversation feels like a high-stakes, emotionally charged negotiation, he may start to avoid interacting altogether. That means that he may start avoiding you.

That’s why one of the most powerful things you can do right now is to press pause on big emotional conversations — just temporarily — and create space for stability and calmness to return.

What You Can Do That Might Actually Help:

Now that we’ve talked about what not to do, let’s talk about a different — and often more effective — approach.

1. Stay Grounded (Even When You’re Hurting)

I won’t sugarcoat it: hearing your marriage might be ending is terrifying. But your ability to stay calm, warm, and emotionally steady can have a powerful influence on what happens next.

Even if you’re falling apart on the inside, try to interact with him from a place of centered strength. That doesn’t mean being fake or emotionless. It just means resisting the urge to panic or guilt him, and instead showing him that you’re capable of handling this with dignity and grace.

2. Acknowledge His Honesty Without Arguing

As painful as it is to hear, try to acknowledge his honesty instead of immediately disputing it.

You might say something like:

“I won’t pretend that doesn’t hurt to hear. I still value our marriage very much. But I respect your honesty, and I want to take some time to think through how we got here too. We both deserve to be happy and I’m willing to work with you to make that so.”

This kind of response shows emotional maturity — and it often lowers his defenses, making him more likely to open up again later.

3. Begin Quietly Working on the Marriage Without Needing His Permission

Sometimes, women ask, “Why should I work on saving my marriage if he already has one foot out the door?”

The truth is, the best time to start small changes is before both feet are out the door. Even if he’s not open to counseling or doesn’t want to talk about solutions yet, you can still begin improving the marriage environment on your own. This is what I had to do. And it eventually worked.

That might mean:

  • Reducing conflict and increasing calmness in interactions,

  • Becoming more emotionally self-sufficient (which men often respond positively to),

  • Focusing on subtle positive energy rather than obvious persuasion.

You’re not pretending everything’s okay. You’re simply planting seeds of peace and connection that he may begin to notice.

4. Revisit Who You Are in the Relationship

When a marriage starts to fray, it’s easy to lose your sense of self. You become so focused on fixing things or getting back to “how it was” that you forget who you were before things got hard.

Take this time — even in the middle of the uncertainty — to reconnect with your own strength, your own identity, and the things that make you feel confident and whole.

This isn’t about changing for him. It’s about reconnecting with your core so you’re not just reacting to him — you’re living from your own grounded place.

This energy often shifts how he sees you — not as the wife who’s begging him to stay, but as the woman he once fell in love with.

Now, you give yourself permission to take a breath.

You remind yourself that this moment — as painful as it is — doesn’t have to be the final chapter.

You stop scrambling and start steadily shifting.

You protect your peace and dignity while also staying open to quiet reconnection.

You let your husband feel the absence of pressure — and the presence of the woman who still believes in the good that once existed between you.

And you give it time. Because just like cracks form over months or years, healing and reconnection are built one moment, one interaction, one choice at a time.

This may feel like the beginning of the end. But handled with calm intention, it could just be the beginning of a turning point.

You have more influence than you think. And the story isn’t finished yet.

I thought my story was finished with my husband. We were both sure that we would divorce. We almost did. But I found some strategies that worked. You can read about how I finessed this at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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Why Do Some Husbands Lack Affection? – Here’s Some Possible Reasons

by: Leslie Cane: I sometimes speak with wives who tell me that their husbands are no longer affectionate and loving. Sometimes, this is only a recent event. But other times, it’s been going on for a while. Very often, the wife tries to ignore this at first, telling herself that her husband is just under some stress right now and that things will get back to normal when things calm down a little.

But this doesn’t always happen. Sometimes, the lack of affection seems like it’s here to stay. It eventually becomes a habit that is quite commonplace. And, eventually, the wife sometimes decides that she just doesn’t want to live this way. She knows that one of the reasons she got married was to feel love, affection, and appreciation from her husband.

Many wives suspect that if they can figure out why he’s no longer affectionate, they can begin to address the problem in the hopes of eventually fixing it. So, in the following article, I’ll list the most common reasons that I see for a husband’s lack of affection.

Your Husband Might Not Be Affectionate Right Now Because Something Is Deeply Bothering Him: Often, a man will withdraw his affections when something is going on in his life that he feels is disappointing or lacking in some way. These stressors aren’t always about your marriage. Sometimes, they are his job or his lot in life or even his extended family. Or it could even be the everyday obligations that just wear him down.

Still, a husband who is connected to his wife should just want to be affectionate as an unconscious extension of the way that he’s feeling inside. If he’s not doing this, then he’s disconnected from his emotions, usually for some concrete reason which may or may not be apparent. He may or may not share this with you.

But generally, something has disappointed him, or some expectation has not been met. Perhaps he’s disappointed with his life in general, or maybe he’s not liking the way that the marriage is going. Sometimes, as a result, rather than expressing his feelings or telling you what’s going on, he simply withdraws and retreats. This is where the lack of affection comes from. Whether it’s a conscious reaction or not, he’s distancing himself from whatever it is that he feels is lacking.

Please don’t misunderstand and think that I’m insinuating that his lack of affection is a valid behavior. I’m not, and I don’t. I’m just trying to explain what I’ve seen to be true. Men are not as likely as women to discuss what’s bothering them. They’ll often withdraw instead, even if this isn’t the best thing to do.

Your Marriage Culture Might Have Stalled. You May Now Be In The Habit Of Merely Coexisting: Sometimes, you have a husband who used to be very demonstrative and affectionate in the past, but this is no longer true today. Somewhere along the line, the passion cooled, and the two of you turned your attention to life obligations and day-to-day responsibilities. This is normal and happens in most marriages. However, some can handle these turbulent waters better than others.

Sometimes, this shift in priorities also contributes to a shift in feelings. Things begin to feel sort of stale and routine. Oftentimes, when this shift happens, people sort of shrug their shoulders and theorize that you can’t be obsessed with one another forever. So, no one really fights this process. And this “cooling off” in your marriage sort of becomes part of your culture. But, it’s likely that you both miss it, even if this is conscious or not.

It’s important that you don’t just let this take its course, even if you think that you’re both comfortable. Why? Because this leaves your marriage very vulnerable to any number of things that could seriously damage it. I often hear from people who tell me that this lack of affection and connection contributed to infidelity and separations. This is just not something that you want to ignore. And the more of a habit this becomes, the harder it is going to be to change this habit.

Fixing Things When Your Husband Is Not Affectionate: The worst thing that you can do right now is to ignore the problem. Don’t pretend like nothing is wrong when you know that it absolutely is. You are much better off taking direct and swift action. If you’ve not yet addressed this with your husband, there is nothing wrong with telling him that you miss the intimate gestures, the hand holding, the hugs, and the feeling of connection. Stress that you need this to feel loved and secure.

Sometimes, you will bring this up, and your husband will tell you that this is all in your head. He may even become irritated and frustrated. In this instance, you probably should not continue to harp on this when all it gets you are negative reactions. Instead, you act “as if.” What I mean by this is that every time he does even a little bit better on the affection front, you lay on the positive reinforcement quite quickly and act “as if” you already have what you want. You praise him, tell him how good this made you feel, and then give him more of what he wants as an exchange. This allows him to see that his small efforts are hugely worth his while, and he will likely continue so that you are both getting what you want.

Sometimes, you will have to demonstrate the type of behavior that you want by treating him how you want to be treated. Once he sees the positive payoff from this, he will likely follow suit. The whole idea is to focus on the positive, not the negative, and to make him want to do better because he knows that it will make you both happier.

When my husband began withdrawing affection, I did not pay close enough attention, and it almost cost me my marriage. I did not understand these principles, and I went about changing this in a completely wrong way. I stooped to negative behavior that only drove my husband further away. But when I came at this from another angle, that eventually worked very well. You can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/.

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What to Say (And Not Say) After Your Husband Admits He’s Not Sure He Wants to Stay Married

By: Leslie Cane: When the day comes that your husband admits he’s not sure he wants to stay married — or that he might want a divorce — you may feel like your world is spinning. And what you say next might feel incredibly high-stakes.

Should you ask him to explain?
Should you make your case?
Should you reassure him?
Should you say nothing at all?

It’s an emotionally intense moment. And because of that, the way you respond, not just with your words, but with your tone, energy, and actions, can either ease the tension or escalate the divide.

Below, I’ll walk you through what to say, what not to say, and why your response matters more than it may seem, especially in these early moments after such a painful admission by a husband.

First: What’s Really Happening In That Moment: When a husband tells his wife, “I’m not sure I want to be married anymore,” understand that he is likely feeling emotionally overwhelmed, checked out of the relationship (not necessarily the woman,) desperate for relief, and unsure how to fix what feels broken.

He may expect you to fall apart. Or beg. Or argue. Or try to talk him out of it. Don’t fall into these traps.

Because when your response is unexpectedly calm, warm, and steady, it throws off the pattern — in a good way. It can lower his defenses and create the first flicker of possibility that things might be different.

What to Say (Examples That Create Calm, Not Conflict:)

You’re not trying to “win” him back with one perfect sentence. You’re trying to create an emotionally safe space where real reflection (and eventually, reconnection) is possible.

Acknowledge Without Arguing:

“I hear you. I know this can’t be easy to say. I want to understand.”

This validates his honesty, without agreeing, pushing back, or trying to solve anything right away.

Stay Rooted in Calm Strength

“That’s a lot to take in. I want to take some time to really think before I respond too emotionally.”

You don’t have to pretend you’re unaffected. But showing composure helps rebuild the sense that you’re not going to panic or fall apart.

Own Your Side Without Guilt Trips

“If I’ve contributed to the disconnection or made you feel unseen, I want to understand more. Not to blame or defend, but to grow and change if it will help.”

This kind of mature statement often makes a husband feel less attacked, and more curious about what might still be possible.

Keep the Door Gently Open

“I’m not giving up on this marriage. I still believe in us. But I respect that you’re confused right now. I won’t force this, but I hope we can take things one step at a time.”

This shows quiet optimism without pressure. And it gives him room to want to stay, instead of your demanding it.

What Not to Say (Even If You’re Tempted:)

In these emotionally raw moments, certain reactions can backfire — even if they come from love and fear.

“How can you do this to me? After everything we’ve been through?”

This invites guilt — which often makes people shut down or become defensive. It may also make him retreat faster to escape the emotional fallout.

“You just want out because it’s easier than fixing things. You don’t want to do the work.”

Blame only confirms what he may already feel — that being in the marriage is exhausting or emotionally unsafe. Even if there’s truth in the frustration, it rarely creates forward movement.

“You’re ruining our family. Don’t you care about the kids?”

As painful as this is, pushing guilt around children can back him into a corner. And when someone feels trapped, they often double down on leaving just to reclaim control.

“Fine. Just go then. See if I care.”

Sometimes, in a moment of hurt, we try to take back the power by pretending not to care. But this often creates more distance — and may make him believe there’s nothing left to save.

A Few “Do’s” and “Don’ts” Going Forward

DO:

  • Give him some breathing room. He may need emotional space to hear himself think. Don’t confuse space with surrender.

  • Stay emotionally consistent. If you’re calm today and reactive tomorrow, he won’t trust the stability you’re trying to offer.

  • Find a support outlet. You’ll need a safe place to process (friends, a counselor, journaling) so your husband doesn’t become your only sounding board.

DON’T:

  • Try to rehash the entire marriage history right away

  • Demand decisions or answers before he’s ready

  • Use your communication as a means of control (even unconsciously)

What If He Pulls Away After the Conversation?

This is common. After expressing doubt or dropping the “D-word,” some men retreat even further. That doesn’t always mean it’s over. It often means the emotional stakes feel too high for him right now.

If that happens:

  • Don’t chase.

  • Don’t overwhelm him with reassurance.

  • Just let your calm presence speak louder than words for a little while.

Sometimes, the most powerful thing you can say next… is nothing at all. Give him time to sit with your steady, non-reaction. It may surprise him — and make him think.

Steady Wins Over Desperate

There’s no script that guarantees he’ll change his mind.

But women who’ve walked this path and come out stronger on the other side often say this:

“When I stopped reacting with panic — and started responding with calm confidence — everything slowly started to shift.”

Your words don’t have to be perfect. Your emotions don’t have to be hidden.
But if you can show him — even in small ways — that you’re someone safe, steady, and self-respecting in the face of all this uncertainty? You begin to gently change the dynamic. And that’s often where reconciliation begins.

Listen, I know that my words are simple, but this concept is hard in reality. It’s easy for me to tell you to remain calm when your heart is breaking.  I know full well how easy it is to tell yourself you’ll be calm when you see him and then fall apart the instant you see his face. I’ve been there myself. But I’m telling you that you can do it. If I can, then anyone can. You can read about exactly how I did it on my blog at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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What Does It Mean When Your Spouse Ignores You During The Separation?

By: Leslie Cane:  I sometimes hear from people who are very disappointed with their spouse’s behavior during a trial or marital separation.  Often, they have very reluctantly agreed to the separation either because they didn’t feel that they had a choice or they are hoping the break will actually improve their situation.  Some are very disappointed when their spouse avoids or ignores them during the separation and they aren’t sure what to make of this.

I heard from a wife who said: “I will be honest and tell you that I never wanted a trial separation.  But my husband insisted.  He said he had to see for himself if would have been happier on his own and he also said he needed some space to sort his feelings out.  So I decided to respect this request and support him.  He assured me that he would be in touch semi regularly and that I didn’t have anything to worry about.  Well, this hasn’t been the case.  He’s not called me once since he left and when I call him, he doesn’t return my call.  I went by his office once at lunch hoping we could have lunch together but he told me he had a meeting.  I had hoped that he would call me later that night, but he didn’t.  I feel as if I’m being ignored.  What does this mean? Does his ignoring me mean that he lied about this whole separation business and that he doesn’t have any intention of ever coming back?”  I’ll try to address these concerns in the following article.

Some Possible Reasons Why It May Feel As If Your Spouse Is Ignoring You:  There are a couple of common scenarios here.  Below is a list of what I feel are the most common.

Your Spouse Feels As If You’re Coming On Too Strong Or That You Aren’t Giving Them The Space They’ve Asked For:  Often, if you were to talk to the husband in this scenario, he would tell you that he’s not really ignoring his wife.  Instead, he’s just trying to get some of that time and space that she promised him but isn’t giving him right now.  Of course, the wife usually sees things quite differently.  She often doesn’t think that calling or swinging by for lunch is too much.  In her mind, they’ve agreed to see each other regularly and she is just acting in line with this.  But, the spouse who wanted the separation can often be overly sensitive to their “time” and their “space.”  So if you notice him ignoring you, ask yourself if perhaps you’re reaching out too much.  Try backing off a bit and see if that won’t improve the situation.

He Could Legitimately Be Busy Initially But Then He’s Responding To Your Own Actions And Pulling Away: Here’s something that I see happening all of the time.  Sometimes, the spouse who initiated the separation is legitimately very busy.  They are sometimes telling you the truth when they say they had a work meeting or something similar.  But then, the wife’s reaction to that legitimate excuse is so strong that the husbands begin to distance themselves.  In other words, in the above scenario, the husband could be truly busy, but the wife’s panic and sudden onslaught of phone calls contributed to him distancing himself even more.  Be careful that you don’t overreact and bring this whole undesirable process into play.

He May He Experimenting To See What Kind Of Reaction He Can Get Out Of You: Some people decide to allow their spouse to take the lead during the separation or they will sort of hang back and see what their spouse is going to do.  And sometimes, they are trying to shift the power a bit by trying to see if they can get you to pursue them.  You have to watch very closely to see if this is applicable to your case and then to determine how you want to respond.  If he’s just trying to get a reaction out of you, sometimes it’s best not to fall into that trap because it only brings about negative reactions and emotions.

How To Handle It When You’re Feeling Ignored During The Separation: I know that it’s very tempting to get emotional and to want to make him face you and see you more.  But, this can be a big mistake.  If you try to force it, he might retreat even more.  And he might think in his own mind that he was right to leave.  This isn’t what you want.  My preferred way to handle it is to the make the next communication brief.  Tell him that you can see he’s busy and preoccupied and, as such, you’re going to depend on him to contact you at a better time for him.  This puts the burden on him and ensures that you aren’t coming on too strong.  It also makes it a bit more likely that he will be the one initiating the contact and pursuing you, which is a better situation than the one you are in now.

Unfortunately, I know all of this from experience.  I felt ignored by my husband during our separation and I reacted badly and came on way too strong.  This almost costs me my marriage.  It wasn’t until I allowed him pursue me that things drastically improved.  If it helps, you read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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What If My Husband Forgets All About Me When I Give Him Space During the Trial Separation?

By: Leslie Cane: I hear this question, or versions of it, so often from wives going through a trial separation. And I understand why. When your husband asks for space or moves out, it can feel like your whole world is being ripped out from under you. You know he needs time. You know you’re supposed to give him distance. But the whole time you’re doing that, one quiet, persistent fear plays on a loop in your mind. Because you are asking yourself questions like,  “What if he forgets about me while I’m giving him what he says he needs?” Or “What if he moves on or realizes he’s happier without me?”


A wife might say, “I know intellectually that I should give him time, but emotionally, I feel he’s going to forget about me and find someone else, while my back is turned. What if absence doesn’t make the heart grow fonder at all?:

These are incredibly normal fears. You’re not overreacting or being clingy. You’re human, and you’re grieving the disruption of a life (and marriage) you’ve probably worked hard to build.

So let’s talk about what “giving space” really means, what it doesn’t mean, and how you can approach this time with a little more peace and a lot less panic.

What Men Often Really Mean When They Ask for Space: In my experience, and from speaking with both wives and husbands, when a man asks for space during a trial separation, it doesn’t always mean he wants to break ties or cut you out of his life completely. Many times, it means he’s overwhelmed. Or confused. Or unsure how to fix what feels broken in the marriage. And he needs some time to process and to get away from all of the built-up tension.

Sometimes, asking for space is the only way he knows how to say, “I need a break from the fighting, the pressure, and the weight of everything I don’t know how to fix.”

That doesn’t mean he’s stopped loving you. It doesn’t mean he wants a divorce. But it does mean he’s seeking relief from the tension or emotional burnout that may have built up over time, and that he is constantly feeling in your home. Don’t allow that to make you feel bad or hopeless. Take it as necessary information.

The Fear of Being Forgotten: One of the hardest parts about giving space is that it goes against every instinct you have when something you love feels like it’s slipping away. You may be thinking things like, “If I pull back, he’ll think I don’t care.” Or “If I’m not in front of him, he’ll move on emotionally.”

But here’s what you need to remember: absence does not erase connection, especially if you’re intentional about how you handle the separation.

It’s not your constant presence that will keep you in his heart. It’s the quality of your connection and the way he feels when he thinks about you, whether you’re across the room or across town. That’s important because you have control over how he feels about you. What you do now affects how he feels about you.

Giving Space Doesn’t Mean Disappearing: There’s a huge misconception that “giving him space” means dropping off the map completely — never texting, never checking in, never communicating at all. But that’s not what I usually recommend, unless your husband specifically requests total no-contact (and even then, it’s often temporary).

Instead, try to think of space as shifting the dynamic, not severing it. Instead of frequent, emotional conversations that feel like pressure or pleading, aim for light, calm, respectful interactions that leave a positive impression.

This might mean communications like a short text just to say, “Hope your week’s going okay. No pressure to respond, just thinking of you, ” or sending a neutral update about the kids or house if you share responsibilities, and doing so without expectation or guilt.

The key here is emotional safety. You’re showing him that it’s possible to have pleasant, low-stress interactions with you, even while he has the space he needs. That can be very powerful over time.

Why Space Can Actually Work In Your Favor: As counterintuitive as it sounds, many couples actually start to reconnect after some space is introduced because the pressure comes off.

When you’re constantly trying to “fix” things in real time, emotions are high. Misunderstandings happen. Defensiveness creeps in. But when things settle down, clarity sometimes follows.

He might begin to miss you. He might remember what you brought to his life. He might feel less defensive and more open to reconnection, especially if you’ve handled the distance with grace and quiet strength.

The woman who respects his space, without bitterness, blame, or drama, often leaves a much stronger impression than the one who panics and clings.

That doesn’t mean you pretend not to care. It means you care confidently. You trust that the bond you built isn’t so fragile that it will disappear just because you’re not hovering.

How to Stay Connected to Yourself While He’s Processing: One of the biggest mistakes I see wives make during a trial separation is putting their entire identity on pause, as though their life stops until he makes a decision.

But here’s something important: you are still a whole person, even in this uncertain chapter.

This is your time to reconnect with parts of yourself you may have lost in the stress of marriage and get clarity on what you want and need, not just what he wants.

Not only does this help you feel more grounded, but it also reminds your husband that you’re still you — still vital, still capable, and worth fighting for.

Here’s the truth: if your marriage had a real foundation, and if there’s still even a spark of love there, he’s probably going to just erase you because you stepped back for a while.

In fact, if you give space with dignity, kindness, and quiet confidence, you might just make it easier for him to remember the best parts of who you were before the stress, the tension, or the conflict took center stage.

The goal isn’t to control his thoughts. It’s to leave the door open — without pressure — so that when he’s ready to walk back through it, he still recognizes the woman who’s been waiting on the other side.

You can still very much a part of the story. And sometimes, stepping back just a little is the very thing that allows love to step forward. But you have to play it correctly.  You have to have a sound strategy. You can read about the one that worked for me on my blog at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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My Husband Wants To Separate And Date Others To See How It Would Make Us Feel

By: Leslie Cane: Many wives are beyond hurt that their husbands have been hinting about separating in order to explore relationships with other people.  In other words, their husband wants to date other women while still being married.

A wife might explain: “last week, my husband approached me and said he wanted a separation.  He was very specific and said he would like for us both to date other people.  I immediately assumed that he was doing this because he has a particular woman in mind.  But he denies this.  He says that he feels that dating other people would make our best course of action clear.  His theory is that if we enjoy seeing other people, then it will be clear that we are not meant to be together.  However, if the experience of dating others is a bad one and we miss one another, then we will know that we should fight for our marriage.  I don’t buy this theory at all.  And I asked if he really feels this way, why he wouldn’t just divorce me? He says that divorcing right now is not what he wants.  He claims that dating other people will show us if we are meant to be married.  I have no desire to see or date anyone else.  But when I tell my husband this, he seems to get frustrated with me.  What can I do?”

This is not an uncommon situation, although it can be a very trying one for the reluctant spouse.  I had to agree with this wife.  I have never seen anything positive come out of married people dating others.  I do believe that sometimes a separation can actually save your marriage, but this often happens when the spouses stay in contact and remain faithful.  That said, this husband didn’t seem to want to budge on his proposal.  So I offered the wife what I could in the way of suggestions. I will share them below.

Try To Get Him To Agree To A Set Time Period Before You Consider Seeing Other People:  I firmly believe that seeing other people should be the last resort.  Going through a separation is hard enough.  This time period can be filled with self-doubt, worry, and insecurity and all of these issues become magnified when you are also having to worry about what your spouse feels for (and is doing with) the people who he is dating.  In short, it just adds too many troublesome issues to a situation that is already quite difficult.

So I believe that you should try to change his mind about this, even though changing a mind that is seemingly already made up can be quite difficult.  I would suggest agreeing to the separation if it is clear that he is intent on pursuing it.  However, then you offer a compromise.  You tell him that a separation is difficult enough as a first step.  And you ask him to give you a set amount of time, (say 2 weeks,) before you turn your attention back to dating other people.

That way, you are buying yourself some time.  And he may find that having some time and space apart will give him the clarity that he needs without him needing to see other women.

If You Don’t Want To See Other People, You Shouldn’t Feel Forced To Do So:  If something deep inside of you is telling you that seeing other people is wrong and is something that you very much object to, then there is nothing wrong with standing your ground.  Besides, he may be hoping that he can get you to see other people so that he will feel more justified in doing this himself.

If seeing other men doesn’t feel right to you, then you can say something like:  “I know that you want us both to date other people, but I am just not comfortable with that.  To me, it is the same as cheating.  I understand that you want to separate. But to me, if we are married, we should remain faithful even if we are separated. I don’t intend to see other people.  I know that you disagree with me, but I want to make this clear to you.”

Notice that you never condoned or agreed with him seeing other women and you made it clear that you weren’t going to participate.  This leaves the ball in his court.  And whatever he decides at least you will know that you conducted yourself with integrity.

You Must Decide How Much Access You Are Going To Give Him If He Does Decide To Date Others:   Some wives will decide that they can’t be intimate with their separated husband while he is dating other women.  So they will make it clear that, should he chose this path, there will be no intimacy between them.  This will often give him an incentive to either stop pursuing this or to get this out of his system very quickly.  A suggested script would be something like: “I’m pretty sure I’ve made it clear that I consider this to be in line with infidelity.  To that end, I can’t be intimate with or pursue a romantic relationship with you when you aren’t being faithful to me.  I do want to save our marriage.  I hope that you will decide that you want to fight for our marriage and want to be faithful to me.  I hope that when you make that decision, I am the first to know.  Until then, I will wait to hear from you.”

This lets him know that there is going to be consequences if he chooses the unfaithful route.  And it does leave things open in case he changes his mind later.  But, you are also leaving no doubt that there is no room in your relationship for more than 2 people.

There were a lot of issues that I had to deal with during my own separation with my husband.  I am not sure that our marriage would have survived if we had added seeing other people to the mix.  There are so many things to work through without adding infidelity to an already difficult situation.  If it helps, you can read my story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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