Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: “Hopeless” is a word that I hear a lot from frustrated spouses whose marriages are undoubtedly in trouble.

In these situations, there is typically a separation or break either happening to the marriage or on the horizon.

Sometimes, the other spouse has even asked for a divorce.

And even as the invested spouse tries various strategies to change their spouse’s mind, they don’t always have much success.

No matter what they do, their spouse still seems unhappy. Or still wants out.

Someone might say,

“I’m starting to think that my situation is hopeless. And I’m typically a hopeful person. But my husband is giving me absolutely no reason to believe that we could ever get a second chance. He moved out six weeks ago and even getting him to talk to or text with me is a challenge. It is as if he is saying good riddance to our marriage life and closing the door. I have repeatedly tried to reach out to and engage with him over legitimate things. He will have none of it. I’ve asked him to accompany me on things that he would usually enjoy. He’s declined. It’s as if he wants to erase me completely from his life. I feel just the opposite. I desperately want my marriage but it’s starting to become very clear that what I want doesn’t matter at all. I know that feeling this way doesn’t help me. But I can’t seem to stop it because I’m a logical thinker and I cannot deny the evidence that is right in front of me. But I worry that I am going to sabotage myself. Can you still save your marriage when it seems hopeless? Or when you’re feeling hopeless?”

I’m not going to tell you that it is impossible. But I have come to believe, from my own experience, that you attract more flies with honey than with vinegar.

And I know that it’s hard to feel hopeful when you have a difficult reality that you are dealing with. But I hope that I can offer you a bit of perspective.

What You’re Trying to Do When You Want to Save Your Marriage from a Hopeless Point of View:

This is an embarrassing confession, but I’m going to make it anyway.

I used to have daydreams about me sitting alone on our porch with a very long face or even crying. In this daydream, I’d be sitting there and thinking all hope was lost, when all of a sudden, my husband would come driving down our driveway.

I’d assume that he was coming to tell me that it was over. But, what do you know, he was coming to tell me that he was wrong and to get down on one knee and ask if he can move back in.

I could see this very clearly in my minds-eye. It played out like a rom-com.

But do you think it ever actually happened? Of course it didn’t.

But that doesn’t mean we didn’t get back together. We did. But I had to do more than just sit on my porch and feel down.

Positive, Active Hope Versus Negative Passive Hope:

From my own experience, I believe that you are going to have a much better chance of getting your husband back if you’re actively working on your relationship and your marriage.

But please don’t confuse what I’m saying. I’m not telling you to make a pest of yourself or to push yourself onto your husband when he’s reluctant to see you.

I tried this and it did much more harm than good.

No, what I’m telling you to do is to find teeny tiny opportunities where you can make progress and seize those.

Perhaps he may have just a few minutes to talk. Fill those two minutes with a positive conversation.

Perhaps he needs to ask you something about the kids or the house. Leave him with a smile on his face at the end of that conversation.

And if you have no opportunity to seize an opportunity with him soon?

I’ll bet you have an opportunity with YOURSELF.

From my own experience, I learned that making yourself stronger and better is one of the best things you can do to save your marriage.

And the best part is you have complete control over the person in that equation – yourself.

When you make yourself better, you’re often able to show your husband your best self – and that is usually the person he fell in love with to begin with.

I can’t tell you how much more effective this is than trying to use manipulation and emotions.

Find Where You Can Make a Contribution and Do It:

Another thing that you can do is take an honest look at where you may have contributed to the breakdown of your marriage and try to fix it.

• Have you been too critical?
• Too unwilling to compromise?
• Too oblivious to what was happening right in front of you?
• Did you take things for granted?

When people tell me that they can’t save their marriages by themselves, I beg to differ.

You can most certainly try to fix the things that you control.

And those things are your own behaviors and your own mistakes.

Doing The Right Things At The Right Time Can Restore Hope:

And as you begin to take action, do you know what will begin to happen?

You’ll start to feel as if you are actively doing something to help yourself.

And that is going to give you some hope.

And you’re going to project more positivity.

And in my experience, this positive state is much more likely to attract a reluctant husband than a negative state.

I’m not saying that it is impossible to re-attract your husband when you are hopeless. I have seen it happen. But only a couple of times.

So I believe that it is more much likely to attract positive things when you have positive emotions – like hope.

Always remember that tomorrow is a new day. Just because things aren’t great today, this doesn’t define your tomorrow.

People change their perceptions and their minds all of the time.

My husband changed his mind.  But not without my doing the right things at the right time (and believe me, I made plenty of mistakes before I learned this)  That entire story is at https://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on Can You Save Your Marriage When You Feel Hopeless

By: Leslie Cane: Most of the time, my perception is that the readers of this blog are women. Although I have no way of knowing the gender of someone when they visit this site, I do notice that many of the people who reach out to me with a question or comment are women.

That doesn’t mean that I don’t ever hear from men, though. I do.

And that doesn’t mean that men don’t come to this site. They do.

Plenty of Men Want to Save Their Marriages, Too: Sometimes I suspect that many of my women readers would be surprised at some of the comments I hear from men.

Honestly, if I were to swap out the pronouns and omit names, you might have to guess the gender of the author of some of the correspondence that I receive.

What I mean by this is that men hurt during separations and marital difficulties too. And they name the same issues that wives have during the separation.

Men are confused about their best course of action also.

Plenty of husbands reach out over wives who want out of their marriages, who cheat, or who want some space or time apart.

Can Women Act Like Men During A Separation?: I recently heard from a male who said that, although he found my articles helpful, he wondered if specifically wrote them for women.

He wanted to take some of my words to heart, but he didn’t know if the words would apply to his wife.

Basically, he wanted to know if he could swap out the tips I give for wives with unhappy husbands and use them for husbands with unhappy wives.

I believe that you absolutely can and here is why.

We often stereotypically think that women act differently than men.

Sometimes, it is hard for us to think that it could be the wife who is distant, non-receptive, or wanting to end the marriage.

But I can tell you that there are many variations of couples who want different things at different times.

Sometimes the husband wants out.

Sometimes the wife wants out.

And sometimes they are both unhappy.

It just varies just like marriages vary.

But yes, women can absolutely be the driving force behind the struggling or ending of a marriage.

Should You Handle an Unhappy or Separated Wife in the Way that You Handle a Separated Husband?: The husband that I mentioned above wondered if the tips I offer to approach separated husbands would work for a separated wife.

My answer is that it depends on the person. And this is true for husbands and wives or men and women.

People have different personalities.

But generally speaking, I have found from my own separation and from speaking with many people that you will generally have more success if you try your best to treat your spouse with respect and to make progress on the most important issues as your situation will allow.

If you push, argue, come on too strong, act desperate, debate too aggressively, or tell your spouse that they are selfish or wrong, then you may well hurt your cause no matter what your gender.

But if you are willing to have some patience, truly do the work, understand the real issues, and move at a reasonable pace, you’re more likely to have success.

If a Husband is Trying to Get his Wife Back, is He Weak?: Another topic that comes up is whether, if a husband tries different methods to get his wife or marriage back, is he weak or acting like a woman?

I would answer this with an empathic no. I think I’ve already all but said that there’s no need to stereotype behaviors in this situation.

Men can love just as deeply as women. Men therefore miss or long for their separated wives just as much.

And they are just as invested in their marriages when things go wrong.

So no, anyone who is motivated to try to save their relationship with the most important person in their lives can most definitely hold their heads up high.

It doesn’t make you weak. It makes you invested. And committed. And that is what you signed up for the day you got married.

The Bottom Line: To answer the question posed, I believe that in the majority of cases, you could substitute “wife” for “husband” and the article would still be accurate.

I do believe that people can act similar to one another when they are scared, unhappy, or restless.

Most people who want to exit or pause their marriages report similar feelings to one another.

And people who ask for space and don’t get it are often frustrated regardless of gender.

The partners left behind are often confused, scared, and lonely no matter if they are a man or woman.

I still feel that it is usually going to benefit the partner who wants to save the marriage if you prioritize yourself, show your spouse the person they fell in love with, and move at the pace that your partner is willing to go.

Emotions and motivations can be universal. I hope this has helped. I would not want someone of either gender to not feel included.

Although I the articles them from a woman’s perspective because that is mostly who I hear from and I myself am female, the articles are there for everyone and anyone who can get something out of them.

And no matter whether you are a husband or a wife, if you are reading this, I hope you to hang in there.  I think you for coming. And I hope something here has helped you.  You can read more about the time in my life I’m talking about above at https://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on Do Women Sometimes Act Like Men When They Want Out of Their Marriages? Can Wives Act Like Husbands?

By: Leslie Cane: When you’re having marital issues that you just can’t resolve, “starting over” can seem like an attractive option.

Sure, you can’t literally “start over” when you’ve been in a relationship for a long time. But perhaps you can figuratively start over by focusing less on what happened in the past and more on what is going to hopefully happen in the future. 

When Starting Over As Friends Feels Like The Only Option: Sometimes things have become so bad, that the idea of a clean slate is perhaps the only positive option. 

Many husbands in tricky marital issues aren’t receptive to having any type of romantic relationship. Perhaps you are separated. Or your husband wants space. Whatever the reason, it may have become clear that he’s no longer relating to you in a romantic way. 

And that may be why you’re considering a “friends” type of relationship as a way of starting over. 

A wife might say, “my husband and I have been separated for three months. I had hoped that things would get better between us, but they honestly haven’t. He’s awfully cold and distant. He doesn’t show any interest whatsoever in going out with me romantically. There have been times when I’ve wanted to try to kiss or hug him, but his body language makes it very obvious that I would be rejected if I tried it. Even worse, if I cross that line, I fear that he won’t even allow me to be around him. ” 

So I’ve started to think that my best chance would be to ask for a “do over” and to just be friends for now. I would make it clear that I’d expect nothing more. 

I know that this would be hard for me, but I feel like that is what it is going to take. I think it is the only way that my husband will relate to me. Is this a feasible plan? It is possible to start over as friends with your own husband?”

I believe that there is a very limited use for this type of plan. And I also see some possible pitfalls in it. I’ll explain below.

Reestablishing Yourself As Friends Can Be Very Beneficial on Many Levels: When things are good, most of us consider our spouse to be our best friend. 

So it can be devastating to lose that.  

Getting even some of it back can feel like a relief.

And I always tell couples that you want to re-establish an easy, respectful rapport before you attempt to do any heavy lifting with working on your biggest issues.

Reconciliation is just not likely to work if you can’t relate to one another or if you don’t have ease between you. 

So re-establishing a friendly relationship can be the first step in re-establishing your rapport.

But this isn’t as easy as it might sound, which leads me to my next point.

You Have to Be Very Committed to Seeing This Through Some Potentially Awkward and Difficult Situations:  The hard truth is that this man really isn’t your friend.

He is your husband, and you can’t pretend that this isn’t true.

If you doubt this, ask yourself what is going to happen if he starts dating again (or if you even suspect he is.) 

What happens if he starts going out with single friends?

If these things occur, you may have to distance yourself a bit if you can’t handle it as a friend. Or you just have to remind yourself that this is the deal you struck.

Because you’ll need to actually act like a friend – not like the wife who wants to know what he’s doing and why he’s doing it.

Believe me. I know that this is an almost impossible ask. 

I was forced to back off during my own separation when my husband felt very strongly I was coming on too strong and asking too much of him. 

I had to back away from his life and from our relationship because if I hadn’t, he was going to force me to do so. 

And it was extremely hard. So hard that I had to remove myself from his vicinity to hold up my end of the bargain. 

So I think you have to go into it knowing that there are challenges, but they are challenges that may at the very least, improve your relationship with your husband. And at the most, they might help you save your marriage.

Be Willing to Go Very Slowly. Otherwise, You May Sabotage Yourself:  The biggest mistake that I see with this plan is that wives go into thinking they’ll do this “friends” thing for a short time as a means to get him back pretty quickly.

If that is your mindset, you’re already at a disadvantage.

See this friendship as an investment in your relationship. You may remain just friends. And if you do, at least you’ve maintained a positive relationship.

Bonus if you’re able to re-establish a romance, but that should not be your entire goal. 

You must know that the natural progression for this when it actually works is a gradual one. 

If you can legitimately reignite the easy, playful relationship between you, this can only be a win. If you have to accomplish this via friendship first, so be it.

I’m going to be honest and tell you that you’re probably going to need to constantly remind yourself of your role in the beginning. 

And this is okay. Whatever you need to do to make it work, go ahead and do it. 

But you need to commit to a gradual pace because if your husband sees that you’re insincere or thinks you’re only doing this as a way to trick him into a reconciliation before doing the hard work, you may only make things worse for yourself. 

In my case, playing the long game was the only thing that would have worked. Over time, my husband got wise to the games I was trying to play, so I just had to back way up. I hated the thought of it. I didn’t want to give up control. But doing so is probably the only reason I’m still married today.  You can read the rest of the story at https://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on Should I Start Over With My Separated Husband As Friends First?

By: Leslie Cane: Many separated wives have the goal of making their husbands regret leaving them. They figure if he sees leaving as a mistake, he’ll come back home to undo that same mistake. When he does, they will reconcile.

But many of the wives are disappointed when they don’t see any regret as the days and weeks go by.

One may say, “I will admit, when my husband told me that he was leaving, I responded that he was going to miss me and that he would regret leaving. And I honestly thought that this was true. But it’s been five weeks, and he’s showing absolutely no signs of regret. Instead, he acts as if he is having the time of his life, and he never wants to come home. Some of our friends tell me that I just need to be patient, but I am starting to doubt this. I am starting to believe that I have grossly miscalculated. And I’m wondering what happens if he never has regret? Will we just get divorced? Will he always be happy to be rid of me? When do men regret leaving?”

In my honest opinion, it depends. I can tell you that in my case, my husband’s regret took so much longer than I anticipated or wanted. And part of that was my fault. But part of it was not.

Below, I’ll list what I think influences when your husband experiences regret after he leaves home. Hopefully, this will help you determine when you might expect it.

Your Behavior Is Going To Directly Affect When He Regrets Leaving: It took me way too long to figure out and/or admit that my actions and behaviors influenced when (and if) my husband would regret leaving.

Spoiler alert – When you tell a man he’s going to regret leaving you, then he is going to be determined to prove you wrong.

And when you try to make him feel guilty, mistaken, or cruel, then he’s simply going to want to avoid you instead of wishing he was back.

I honestly felt like if I left my husband alone for even a short time, I was going to lose him.

So I made a complete pest of myself. And my husband most definitely was in no hurry to come back or regret his decision.

Instead, he was probably relieved that he had a break from me.

So, if you want him to regret leaving, you have to make sure that your actions and behaviors make him want to come back.

His Regret May Depend in Part on His Motivation to Reconcile Eventually: A husband leaving can be tricky. Some husbands sincerely see this as a temporary situation. They truly want to save their marriages eventually.

And others would only consider coming back if something happened to change their mind.

If your husband falls into the latter category, you may have to work a bit harder to get him open to a reconciliation.

But if he leaves knowing that there are plenty of things he still values – your home, your kids, your long-term familiar relationship, then he may feel regret sooner than the husband who just wants to “wait and see” how he feels.

That’s assuming that things go well between you and don’t deteriorate too badly from the jump.

The Timeline of His Regret May Well Depend in Part on How Quickly (and Convincingly) Things Change: Even though your husband may not spell this out for you, he likely is waiting to see some specific changes. Once he sees them, he will feel more secure in believing that the situation will be substantially better if he comes home.

The faster you can bring about genuine changes, the faster this process can take place.

But notice I said genuine changes. This is harder than it may seem. Because your husband knows you want him home as soon as possible. He knows you’re going to do everything in your power to make him believe things have changed.

That’s why you must be careful that any changes you present to him are genuine and lasting.

He May Feel Regret Sooner if He Sees You Conduct Yourself with Dignity that Places you Above Reproach: I’ve seen plenty of husbands feel regret when they realize that their wive is acting like a mature adult with a workable plan while he is acting like a pouting child.

There are plenty of landmines you must avoid when you’re separated. This can be more challenging than it seems. But you must become very good at being diplomatic, easy-going, accommodating, and receptive.

I know that these are tough things to ask of you right now. Both you and your husband may struggle with these behaviors. But if you manage them, you may find your husband regretting the separation. Because who can find fault with someone like that?

If he looks around and realizes that he can find absolutely no fault with your behavior, he may begin to wonder why such drastic action as a separation was necessary.

Or he may become more willing to explore ways to bring you closer rather than further away.

He Suddenly Sees You as You Used to Be: It’s time for brutal honesty. And I know that this may be painful. But it’s also necessary. Think for a second about the woman your husband fell in love with. Remember how she used to laugh. And was fun to be around. And was easy going. And was always willing to listen without judgment.

Now think about the version of you that your husband is getting right now. If you’re honest, you’ll probably admit that there are differences between the two versions. It’s very important to show your husband that the same woman is as close as your home.

And she’s willing to come back out. In fact, she wants to. He could have her if he’d only go home. But he chose to leave. How regretful do you think he’s going to be when this realization hits him?

Probably quite a lot. But before this can happen, you have to show him that woman. You have to convince him that she’s still present. Yes, I know you’ll have to choose the right time. And yes, I know you’ll have to spend some time finding her again.

But you have time, right?

So there’s no time like the present. The sooner you find her, the sooner he will feel regret.

Notice I didn’t give you a particular time frame. I wish I could. But it varies greatly. My separation took far too long. (You can read about the whole thing at https://isavedmymarriage.com

But most of that was on me. I’ve seen separations end in a matter of a few weeks or months.

It truly just depends. And I firmly believe it does depend on what happens during that separation.

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on How Long Until My Husband Regrets Leaving?

By: Leslie Cane: Believe me when I say that I know the pain of a marital separation. I know the fear.

I know the loneliness.

I know the struggle of dealing with the uncertainty.

I know how easy it is to slip into the behaviors and the mindsets that are actually going to be detrimental to you and may lessen the chances that you’ll get what you want – your marriage back.

So in this article, I’m going to focus on both the things I wish I hadn’t done and the things I commonly see separated spouses do that are both painful and run counter to the goal of saving your marriage.

Focusing on your Fear and Dread: I know that you feel the fear deeply.

I know that perhaps it keeps you up at night. But don’t assume that a separation means divorce.

It doesn’t have to. Plenty of people have temporary separations, reconcile, and go on to have long, happy marriages.

When you’re focused on fear, your anxiety and cortisol rise, and your sound thinking declines.

As a result, you may say or do things you don’t mean. And you may assume things that just aren’t true.

You’re also more likely to assume the worst, making a self-fulfilling prophecy much more likely.

Isolating Yourself: It wasn’t hard to tell that I was pretty devastated during my separation.

I looked awful. I stopped wanting to enjoy aspects of my life that had nothing to do with my marriage. And I tried to beg off of my regular outings and obligations.

If I’m being honest, I just didn’t want the burden of seeing people at the time.

But what I didn’t realize is that isolation only leads to more sadness and despair. It is one of the worst things you can do.

When you get in this state, you are the walking wounded.

And how do you think you will look (or sound) to your spouse when you interact? Not good.

You want to get yourself in a position to be an improved version of yourself when you and your spouse interact. You can’t do this if you’re created a den of depression around yourself.

That’s why as hard as it is, you must get yourself out there. Tell your friends and family that they aren’t to let you off the hook no matter what excuse you make.

Volunteer to do for others. Place the focus outside of yourself.

Ask yourself what you can do today to improve your situation and your mood. And then do it. I promise you that you will feel better by bedtime if you do these things.

Not Thinking About What you Both Want or Need in a Marriage: When I was separated, I would have done anything my husband wanted to get him back. And he knew this. Which is why he didn’t respect me or believe what I was trying to sell him.

You must think about the long term. If you settle for less, that’s exactly what you’re going to get.

You may as well make this separation worth it. You may as well have an honest inventory with yourself and ask yourself what you’d need or want to make your marriage better.

I know this isn’t the time to make demands, nor should you.

But this IS the time to think about your marriage very honestly. Because only then will you be able to truly fix it into something that makes you both happy.

Trying to Elicit Pity, Guilt, or Jealousy from Your Husband: I get it. When you’re without your husband, you’d sometimes much rather get a negative reaction than no reaction at all.

It’s very easy to assume that you’re being ignored and then want to throw a rock in the water just to watch the ripples. But please don’t.

You want your husband to think of you wistfully when he thinks of you.

You need for him to miss you and to eventually think that this separation was a mistake.

If you try to make him feel guilty, sorry, or jealous, he’s unlikely to feel these things. In fact, he might be glad that he’s limiting his exposure to you. And he’ll definitely feel manipulated.

I know that backing away for a bit is easier said than done. I know that it’s very easy to give in to petty impulses right now because you’re frightened and lonely.

If you need to, let this loose on your friends or family. But don’t let it loose on your husband.

Making Yourself a Pest: When you are separated, you wonder how you still fit in with your husband, his family, and his friends. You care about these people. You still want to be in their lives.

And there is nothing wrong with that, so long as everyone is comfortable with it.

But sometimes, your husband has specifically asked you for space and time. And believe me when I say that sometimes this is the hardest thing to give.

It’s so very easy to make a pest of yourself.

What is he doing? Where is he going? What is he feeling? Why didn’t he call you back?

I understand why you are thinking and feeling these things. You have every right to. But if you ACT one them so severely with your husband that you make a pest of yourself, then you’ve made a mistake that is hard to dig yourself out of.

Sometimes, you just have to let it ride for a while instead of constantly asking for details, reassurances, and specifics.

If he has asked for time, give him that. Step back some and busy yourself with your own life – just until he’s at the point where he’s ready to come to the table.

This isn’t forever. It doesn’t mean you have to ignore your husband’s family members that you’ve come to love. But don’t try to get them on your side or involve them in things that are only between your husband and you.

Don’t play games.

Do the very best that you can. Act in a way that you can be proud of tomorrow, next week, and next year.

You can never go wrong when you act with integrity and understanding – for yourself and for him.

I am telling you these things because I made a bigger problem for myself when I did them during my own separation. Do not make the same mistakes I did.  Although I was able to redirect myself and save my marriage, it took far longer than it should have.  You can read about that at https://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on Painful Pitfalls to Avoid When You’re Trial Separated

By: Leslie Cane: If you’ve found this article, chances are you either are separated or about to be. And you’d still like to explore the possibility of saving your marriage. However, like many of us, you may fear doing something wrong and hurting your chances.

You don’t want your actions or mistakes to jeopardize your reconciliation. So perhaps even more than wondering what you should do during this separation, you want to know what mistakes to avoid.

I’m not much of an expert on many topics. But I do understand something about damaging mistakes that one can make while separated.

I know because I made many of these mistakes. And, just like I feared, they did almost thwart my ability to save my marriage.

So I’m going to list what I’ve come to believe are the most troublesome (and most common) mistakes that people make while separated. Especially when they want to reconcile.

Having All or Nothing Thinking: I understand why things feel immediate when you are separated. Things can feel quite dire, and you can convince yourself that you only have a finite, short time to right this ship.

If you don’t, your spouse may lose interest or think about divorce.

Although these things can be true occasionally, the biggest danger you face is that your behavior RIGHT NOW is going to turn your spouse off.

When you begin to feel desperate, you act in an unattractive way. At a time when you most need patience, confidence, and determination, you’re instead concentrated on lack and fear.

So you’re likely going to attract the thing you dread.

Tell yourself that this may be a gradual process, and vow to hang in there. The situation can change and improve quickly. Have faith.

Not Working In the Spirit of Compromise and Cooperation: Understandably, there can be a good deal of resentment during a separation.

Sometimes, one spouse wants it while the other does not.

Both people can be angry, resentful, or scared. And these types of negative feelings can encourage pettiness, one-upmanship, and lashing out.

If you truly want to reconcile as soon as possible, these petty competitions must be avoided at all costs.

It’s important that you and your spouse still feel like you are working together as part of a team, even if you can’t quite get it together just yet.

It’s vital that you and your spouse still see yourselves as part of “we.”

Not Seeing Things From Your Spouse’s Point of View: I am fully aware that this suggestion might rub people the wrong way, but hear me out.

Often, we get caught up in where our spouse is wrong. And selfish. And confused.

And we are sure that we are right. And justified. And morally superior.

But this type of thinking is just more of the same when it comes to “me” versus “them.”

Do you know why else you should put yourself in your spouses’ shoes?

You need empathy now more than ever.

Empathy can completely change your approach, and this can transform your separation.

I’ll give you an example. When I was separated, I greatly resented one of my husband’s friends.

I blamed this friend for some of our issues, as this friend was single and always referred to my husband as ‘tied down.’

One day during my separation, we were arguing about the friend and my husband muttered, “You don’t understand how he has been there for me. After I had my accident, he was the only friend who visited me every day. He didn’t turn his back on me. And I won’t turn my back on him. ”

(My husband had a terrible accident in his youth and went through a hard recovery later.)

It had never occurred to me that he associated this friend with emotional support.

Once I saw my husband as that injured youth who needed a friend, I was able to completely drop this gripe. And my husband saw that I was willing to compromise. Which changed things significantly.

Not Understanding that Things Can and Do Change: I am going to admit that I felt pretty depressed during my separation.

As things continued to deteriorate, I became sure that my husband didn’t really want me and wasn’t interested in reconciling.

Looking back, I still believe this was true at one point, but things didn’t stay this way.

You can always reaccess and change your strategy at any time.

You can always try to come at a problem in another way.

You can always apologize and begin again.

Don’t dig yourself into a hole of despair. Don’t make your spouse think that you’re going to be in a shadow of doom and gloom every time he sees you.

If you have faith that your situation can change (and you vow to do your part to change it) your attitude will change for the better.

If You Aren’t Objective Enough to See and Fix the Biggest Issues, Seek Third-Party Insight: I’ve gone on the record saying that I don’t think you should try to address major issues early into your separation.

Your marriage is fragile right then, and a more realistic goal is to just reestablish a close and easy rapport with your spouse.

That way, once you try to work on your issues, you’re no longer resentful or guarded.

However, when it’s time to get down to the work of addressing what separated you, be honest about your progress.

If you keep brushing up against the same old thing – ask and then listen to someone who isn’t you or your spouse.

That might be a counselor.

Or a church elder.

Or an older family member.

Or even self-help.

But if you’re repeatedly running into the same issues, you are probably missing something, or you lack a perspective that an objective person could offer.

Please don’t lose hope.  I think my marriage looked as hopeless as any during my own separation and I turned it around.  I believe that this is possible in many situations.  You can read the whole story at https://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on Marriage Separation Things to Avoid: What Not to Do if You Still Want to Save your Marriage

By: Leslie Cane: Many people see separation as only a tiny bit different than a divorce. They assume that separated couples are practically divorced – or will be soon. So these folks are surprised when they see those same separated couples doing some of the things that they would normally do.

I understand the confusion. Even the separated couples themselves often aren’t sure what activities and behaviors should be off-limits to them, now that they are separated.

Someone might ask, “Now that my husband and I are separated, what happens? How do we function as a couple? Or do we even continue to see ourselves as a couple? This is tricky because he has promised me that we can try to work this out eventually. I’ve made it clear that I do not want a divorce. And he’s said that he will eventually be willing to see if our marriage is salvageable. But I’m not sure what this means for us right now. I’m never sure if I’m still supposed to share my innermost thoughts with him like I used to. I’m not sure how much I should be relying on him. I’m not sure how much I should expect from him. Since we’re separated and not divorced, how should we move through the world as a couple?”

Before I tell you my answer, I want to stress that I am not an attorney. I’m not going to be answering this from a legal perspective.

I’m going to be answering it from a personal and practical perspective as someone who has gone through it and come out (relatively unscathed) on the other side. 

I believe that you can do whatever is comfortable and acceptable to both of you as a couple. But I warn you that this is not as easy as it sounds.

Often, you have one spouse who wants very change and who wants to continue to function as a couple. And you have the other spouse who wants more freedom and the ability to try life on his own – at least for a little while. 

Below, I’m going to list the possibilities – and the things for which I strived during my own separation. Your spouse may or may not be agreeable to these, at least initially. That’s why you must adjust as you go. Don’t push too hard, but always reevaluate and move forward as you can.

Continue to be Involved In Each Other’s Lives and Emotional Well-being:  It was always clear to me, even when my separation wasn’t going well, that my husband and I were not divorced. I always figured that if he wanted me completely out of his life (and the life of his family and friends,) he would have just divorced me from the get-go.  

So I continued to check in on his mother. I continued to be close with his sister. And I checked in on him as much as he would allow. I still considered him my husband. I still attended events with him when he wanted or allowed me to. I still cheered him on, and I wanted to be there when he needed someone to listen. And I still wanted to be the first person he came to when something was bothering him.

I wasn’t stupid. I understood that we were separated. But that didn’t mean that I didn’t love him anymore or have any concern about what was happening with him.

Admittedly, sometimes, he didn’t WANT this from me, and I had to back away. But it was always my intention to continue to treat him like he was incredibly important to me unless he told me not to do so anymore.

Continue to Take Care of Joint Ventures and Goals:  There was a time when my husband and I weren’t living under the same roof, but we still both had an interest in our home. So he continued to do maintenance and take care of the chores that he always had.

I continued to take care of our bills in the way I always had. Again, I know that this won’t work for some couples. Sometimes, the husband doesn’t want the continued responsibility for the home. And I’m not saying that you have to or should force him.

But if he’s willing, I do think it’s helpful to continue to look at your joint ventures as “ours” instead of mine. After all, you are not divorced.  

I continued to think about our shared goals because I was determined that they weren’t going anywhere.

Couples Intimacy: This is going to mean different things to different people. Some couples take sex and physical intimacy off of the table and I certainly understand why. It can definitely confuse things and there is always the risk that one spouse will feel used while the other may feel manipulated.

But intimacy comes in all shapes and forms. It’s important that, if possible, you continue to be your spouse’s safe place to fall. He should still be comfortable sharing his thoughts and experiences with you. Your spouse should know that you are always there for him. 

As for yourself, you must should an emotional outlet. If your husband is willing to be that person, wonderful. If not, make sure you still allow someone to listen and be there for you. This could be a friend, coworker, family member, or therapist. But don’t keep things bottled up. Use a journal if you have to. And don’t isolate yourself because it is the worst thing that you can do. 

One more word about intimacy. This is usually one of the hardest goals to reach because intimacy is usually waning for separated couples. You will usually have to rebuild it from the ground up. And this is difficult when things aren’t all that great between you.

Don’t be discouraged. You will have to start slow and move gradually, but I am proof that this can be done. Accept and be grateful for small victories. Maybe today you’ll celebrate that you had a five-minute telephone conversation that went well. Or maybe he returned your text. Even when the victories seem small, you can use these tiny wins to accomplish more the next time. 

In short, I believe that you continue to do the things as a couple that makes you both comfortable. 

After all, to reconcile, you’ll need to be able to work closely together to address the core issues. You can’t do this if you are functioning solely as an individual. I learned the hard way that have to hang in there with crazy persistence when you want to save your marriage.  The story of how I did that is at https://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on What Does it Mean if You’re Separated but not Divorced? What Can You Still Do as a Couple?

By: Leslie Cane: Many of the wives who visit this blog believe that their husbands never loved them. Some believe this claim because of his behavior. Others believe this because he has initiated a break or separation. And some believe this because he has straight up told them.

The husbands who claim not to love their wives often do it during a fight or in times of high conflict. Someone might say, “whenever husband and I get into a pretty bad fight, he will say that he’s not surprised that we don’t work as a couple because he never loved me in the way that a husband should love his wife. Once, he told me that he ‘settled’ for me. I started to cry and asked him how he thinks this makes me feel. He claimed to be sorry, but then said he was just trying to be honest. Then he’ll say that it’s never going to work between us because the feelings just aren’t there. This confuses me because I know I’m not crazy or delusional when I say that there are times when I deeply felt his love. I have memories of him crying when we started a family. I have memories of him staring deeply into my eyes with so much love reflected back at me. I don’t believe that I was imagining these things. But perhaps I saw what I wanted to see. Why would someone do this to another and marry someone that they don’t love?”

I will try my best to answer this question below, but first I’d like to explore why a man might make this claim when it actually isn’t true. 

He’s Trying To Hurt You or Trying To Get a Reaction: It’s no coincidence that your husband is making this claim when you fight. You’re most likely to get this claim when he is frustrated or he is trying to get a reaction out of you. Often, he feels that the two of you are just going around in circles and nothing is getting resolved. So he may say something shocking or hurtful in an attempt to make you finally pay attention.

Or he may be trying to lure you into a reaction. Sometimes, people crave a negative exchange when they are truly angry. This doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love you, but it means that he’s quite angry at the time and he’s not getting the response or reaction that he hoped for.

If this is ringing true for you, ask yourself if you or your husband are continuing to have the same, old unresolved fight. Often, he’s trying to hurt you because he desperately wants to break this cycle so that something actually changes. By bringing about real change, you might be able to avoid these hurtful (and often untrue) comments.

He May Be Trying to Convince Himself that He Doesn’t Love You:  Sometimes when you continue to have unresolved, nasty fights, your husband is trying to convince himself that nothing will ever change and that he needs to take some action.

When this happens, he will sometimes attempt to convince himself either that he doesn’t love you now or that he has never loved you. By doing so, he’s hoping that it will be easier to take a break or distance himself from you, or whatever else he is pondering. 

Don’t make this easy for him. Don’t fall into the trap of acting unlovable so that has justification for his actions. 

Instead, try to have good humor and grace. Try to uncover what is really under this claim of his.  

Is he trying to get you to pay attention to what he’s saying? 

Is he trying to scare you into finally making that change he’s been waiting for?  

Is he trying to get you to open your eyes to a problem that is right in front of you?

Don’t make it necessary for him to need to make dramatic claims to see real change. 

Legitimate Reasons People Have For Marrying Without Love:  As I said before, I think it is most likely that your husband doesn’t legitimately mean that he doesn’t love you.

I find it very rare for a person to stay in a marriage or other committed relationship for a very long time without love. I find it even rarer that someone would actually actively build a family, a life, and a home if there was no legitimate love present. That’s just a bridge too far.

But for argument’s sake, let’s play along. 

Sometimes, a man will convince himself that he has fallen out of love with you when he’s about to pursue a break, separation, or divorce. If he can convince himself of that, then the task is easier. 

And other times, he’ll take this a step further and convince himself that he never truly loved you at all, so that all of this is a mistake that should have never happened from the very beginning. 

Of course, I’m not completely naive.  

I know that there are cultural reasons that people will get married to someone they don’t love.  

I also realize that some people are pressured into a marriage that they don’t want.  

And sometimes, a person will marry someone who they are extremely fond of, but perhaps not madly in love with. However, in those cases, the love will often grow over time. So even there, it’s not 100% truthful for him to say that he didn’t love you.

My hope with this article is to show that a husband claiming to have never loved his wife is usually not without some ulterior motive or kernel of untruth. If your gut is telling you that he’s posturing and that you have genuinely felt his love over the years, you are probably right. 

Rather than obsessing over his feelings, ask yourself what you can do to take concrete action that will improve things so that he no longer has to make these outlandish claims to scare you into taking some action.  

I wish I’d followed this advice. My husband claimed to love me all of the time before we separated. This unfortunately DID NOT scare me into taking action and I almost lost my marriage until I woke up, changed course  and saved my marriage.  The rest of the story is at https://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on When We Fight, My Husband Says That He Never Loved Me Like He Should. Why Do People Marry Someone They Don’t Love?

By: Leslie Cane: I’m going to try to be gently but brutally honest. It is rare for me to dialogue with someone who is separated but completely coping with a sense of peace and contentment. Even if you feel that the separation was the right or only thing to do, most people still struggle emotionally. There’s no easy way to say it. A separation can be a painful time in your life.

Even when you know or hope that the separation might turn out positively, it still hurts to change your living situation, your relationship, and your life so dramatically. It is often incredibly lonely, and sometimes downright scary.

You don’t know what the future will look like. You worry that you will be divorced. And you know for certain that you don’t want to start over or endure the awkwardness of dating strangers. You also don’t want to take the baggage of a failed marriage into the next relationship.

It is no wonder that one of the most common questions that I get concerns the best way to deal with the pain or overcome it.

I have some answers for this. And I came by some of them the hard way. I don’t know if they will work for everyone, but they eventually helped me, once I finally admitted that I needed to be responsible for my own well-being and sense of peace.  It also helped to change my focus on transformation rather than lack.

Don’t Go Through This Alone: I went through a period where I was wallowing in self-pity and negative emotions. I resisted the help and love of everyone close to me, claiming that I would rather be alone. Needless to say, isolation only deepens the pain. Let people in. Let love in.

Here are some additional things I wish I’d known when I was dealing with my own painful separation.

Accept That There May Not Be An Immediate Resolution: One of the things which caused me the largest amount of frustration was expecting things to resolve more quickly than they actually did. I wanted my husband to come home as soon as possible, and I didn’t consider what he wanted or needed. Honestly, at the time, I didn’t care.

The truth is, the separation probably won’t resolve until most of the issues are addressed and/or fixed to the satisfaction of both parties. And this process does take time, not to mention you have to make enough progress where you’re both actually willing to do the work.

Sometimes, the person initiating the separation needs some time and space before they’re even ready and willing to step up to the plate and work with you.

So there can be quite a few hoops to jump through before you begin to make progress.

The best thing you can do for yourself is to take a deep breath and know that you are going to need patience.

Impatience breeds pressure. And the pressure will cause your spouse to pull away even more. Don’t make things harder on yourself by trying to rush.

Do Whatever Is Needed To Bring Pleasure Into Your Life: When I was separated, I started walking. And I didn’t just walk in my neighborhood. I took to walking on pretty trails, and forests, and places I’d never visited before. Walking allowed my brain to focus on lovely things so it could rest. I found a bit of quiet, and peace.

The things that bring us pleasure differ among us. Some people will find pleasure in creating things. Others like to be entertained. I know someone who adopted a puppy. (And he brought much love and laughter into her lonely home.)

Give yourself permission to partake in what you want to do, when you want to do it (and not what you think you should do.) Sometimes I took walks when I thought I should be exercising or journaling. But you know, those walks were every bit as beneficial as what I “should” have been doing. And they gave me something to look forward to.

I was more than my marital status. And you are too.

Get Outside of Your Cocoon and/or Comfort Zone: It is normal to want to wrap ourselves up and lick our wounds all alone. We don’t want to intrude on the lives of our friends and loved ones. We don’t expect anyone else to entertain us.

But when you begin to feel this way, ask yourself if you’d be more than willing to spend some extra time with a separated girlfriend. What if your sister were separated? Would you be willing to invite her out for dinner to raise her spirits?

Of course you would. So always embrace the opportunity to see friends, learn something new, or get slightly out of your comfort zone.

The separation will be a little less painful if you use it for personal growth and try to have some fun every now and then. This isn’t as likely to happen if you stay at home watching Netflix every night.

Let your loved ones love you.

Get Help if You Need It: I feel no shame sharing this. I went through some very dark days during my separation. Looking back, I dwelt on what I didn’t have rather than what I had. I had zero patience, so I couldn’t see that the future might look very different (and better) than the present.

As a result, I had trouble seeing what I had to look forward to or where I should place my marital focus. I felt pretty lost. And I saw a therapist and remained under her care until I felt more stable. This helped tremendously, and I was and am very grateful for this care. Please seek help if you know (or even suspect) you need it.

Try To Become Closer to The Person (and Spouse) You Want to Be: I think we all know that it makes sense to work on ourselves when we are separated. After all, if we’re not willing to grow or improve, we’ve wasted an opportunity to make the separation meaningful.

But many of us only change the external things we believe that our spouse would like to see. Think long and hard about what YOU want to see. Think deeply about what you could do on your end to make your relationship better.

How can you get closer to being the partner that you yourself would like to have? If you can do this, then it’s much easier to sleep at night because you know that you’ve done everything that you can.

There’s peace in knowing that the rest is out of your hands, and you can accept what comes because you know that you’ve put your best effort into this.

Do Your Best and Let It Go: This leads me to the point that I’d like to leave you with. In some sense, there is relief in just letting go. I eventually had to embrace the idea that I could (and would) do whatever I could to put myself in the best position to reconcile. (And I went through several strategies and mistakes before I finally got there.) But beyond this, there was only so much I could do. So when I did, I had to let the rest go.

You are only one of a pair. So only half of this equation comes down to you. Put yourself in the strongest position you can. Don’t allow yourself to suffer loneliness when you can reach out to those who love you.

And then just surrender. When I let it go, that’s when things changed dramatically. And that dramatic change eventually lead to reconciliation.  You can read about that at https://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on Dealing With Marriage Separation Pain

By: Leslie Cane: Most separated people intuitively know that communication is vitally important if you want to reconcile and save your marriage. Unfortunately, though, communication can be among the most tricky issues to get right.

Often, both spouses are dealing with separate, individual issues and agendas during the separation. And these opposing views can cloud how one spouse interprets what the other is saying. This type of disconnect can be most problematic when you are trying to use communication to move closer to your spouse. But in reality, miscommunication is moving you further and further away. 

Someone might say, “I honestly cannot talk to my separated husband without something going terribly wrong. It wasn’t like we were communicating well before our separation. Not being able to effectively communicate is one reason that we are separated now. But things have actually gotten significantly worse. I know that it is important for me to try to bring more positivity into our interactions. So that is what I’ve been trying to do. But when I make any attempt to have a nice or positive conversation, he accuses me of being sarcastic. When I try to bring up a genuine concern to him, like about our kids, for instance, he downplays it. Then he tells me that I am head of the household temporarily and that I can’t run to him for every single small issue. It is like he thinks that I am making excuses to talk to him and that he is determined that everything I say must be wrong. I’m only trying to include him in our lives. I’m trying to stay in communication with him so that we still feel part of a team. But he shuts me down no matter what I say. What can I do?”

Some of this is just par for the course when you are separated, but you are right in thinking that you need to establish positive communication as soon as possible. Talking can be one of the most effective ways to restore intimacy. And there could be many possibilities as to why he is thwarting intimacy and blocking communication. 

I will discuss these below, as well as offer tips as to how you might handle this. 

He Feels Guilty, Disappointed, or Other Negative Feelings That Are Clouding How He Reads Your Message:  Even when men push for and want a separation, many are let down once it actually happens. Sometimes, despite his posturing, he may feel guilty and selfish for initiating this. 

He knows that the separation is affecting his wife and children in a negative way. He knows that no matter how careful he is, this is still a big life adjustment for everyone. And he initiated this.

So the guilt and fear that he feels about his part in this might cloud his communications with you. Because of this guilt (and perhaps the knowledge that he treated you unfairly,) he may reflect this in his responses to you.

For example, if you innocently ask him about a topic relating to the kids, he may see that as your attempt to make him feel guilty about the kids. Because he already feels guilty, so he can’t see anything else. 

Likewise, when he believes you to be sarcastic when you are sincere, he may fear you are manipulating him, and potentially keeping him from getting the space or time that he wanted.

In other words, it’s not that there is anything at all wrong with your delivery. Or the tone of your voice. It’s just that his headspace right now means that you are going to have to be careful not to step into the minefield of the issues that he may be struggling with – but doesn’t want you to know about. 

Make Sure What You Say Is Clear and Free of Any Manipulation: To be fair, some wives do attempt to manipulate their separated spouses during conversations. I know because I did it. And I believe it’s completely natural and understandable. You want your words to have an effect on him – whether that is for him to miss you, to feel affection for you, or to wish things could be different.

But the truth is, early in the separation, he may not be ready for that just yet. He may be still trying to get a bit of perspective and space. So he may be extra sensitive to any attempts to manipulate him with words or behaviors. He may even see manipulation when it isn’t there. So it’s important to be as transparent and forthcoming as you can.

For example, make sure that when you bring up an issue, it truly is important and you truly do need his input. Don’t ask him about things which you’ve already agreed were off-limits. Don’t make up excuses to call. (I say these things only because I did every one of them, and this only made things worse for me. ) And I completely understand why they are tempting. But once you do these things, your husband is going to doubt the sincerity of everything else you say.

You might also try to ease into conversations that you know might be taken incorrectly. For example, you could try something like, “I need to talk to you about the kids. I think it’s an important issue that we both need to address together. Is this a good time?”

This allows your separated husband to have more control over the conversation and to not feel ambushed or manipulated. 

Don’t Fall Into The Trap of Engaging and Making This Worse: It’s very easy to get defensive in this situation. It’s very easy to ask your husband why he’s flipping around everything you say. 

But that will likely only make it worse. Resist the urge to engage with him. If communication is truly off the rails, limit the damage and come back at it another day.

Once things begin to get better with his individual negative feelings and issues, communication may begin to improve. And, in time, you will hopefully learn how to navigate these setbacks and, sometimes, even use them to your advantage.  Sometimes, you really CAN use them to your advantage.  You can read about how I learned to do this at https://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on My Separated Husband Misinterprets Everything I Say: Tips to Make Him Understand You