Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many wives are reeling from the message that they hoped that they would never have to hear. Their husbands are delivering the message that they are no longer in love with them. And sometimes, his delivery is as hurtful as the message that he is sending.

A wife might have this sad story: “last week after dinner, my husband said that he needed to talk to me about something serious. I thought that it must have something to do with his job because he’s been stressed about that lately. But it turned out that he had sat me down to tell me that he wasn’t in love with me anymore. I was stunned and devastated. I asked if he was telling me this because he wanted a divorce. He said that he didn’t know. He said that he just felt like he had to tell me. I didn’t know how to respond so I didn’t say too much. For the last several days, I’ve noticed that my husband seems very happy and relieved, as if a weight has been lifted from his shoulders. This was every bit as heartbreaking as his words. I mentioned to this to him and he said that I had it all wrong. He said that he was devastated and sad, but that he was trying to stay upbeat to make the situation better. I said that it seemed to me that he seemed relieved because he was getting ready to move on. He denied this and again said that he’s unhappy and feels terrible. I’m wondering how most men feel when they tell their wives that they are no longer in love. Because my husband seems almost happy about it.”

A man’s reaction to this conversation can vary based on the man himself, his wife’s reaction, his personal marital situation, and why he thinks that he has fallen out of love. But many men feel this more deeply than their wives believe. I will discuss this more in the following article.

Men Can Feel A Sense Of Relief When They Finally Tell The Truth: Often, when a man finally gets around to admitting that he believes that he’s no longer in love with his wife, he’s struggled with these feelings for quite some time. It’s rare for him to wake up one morning, decide he doesn’t love his wife, tell her very quickly, and then move on. It’s more likely that he’s going to try to deny his feelings, think about or struggle with this for a while, and then eventually decide that he should just be truthful. And when the truth finally comes out, he can feel relief because he’s been struggling with this for so long. Wives will often believe this relief means that he’s happy because he’s planning to eventually end the relationship. This isn’t always the case.

Men Will Often Try To Act More Sure Or Confident Than They Actually Are: As I mentioned before, a man often struggles with this for a long time before he tells his wife. He has often thought about her reaction for a while and he is fully aware that she’s not going to take it well and will have all sorts of questions. But he doesn’t want to make her as confused as he has been, so sometimes he will try to display a confidence and sureness that he doesn’t even feel because he doesn’t want to get her hopes up that he is going to change his mind, especially when he himself isn’t sure what is going to happen.

Wives often mistake this as coldness or think that he doesn’t care. But often, he is trying to be detached because he doesn’t want to display his doubt and he doesn’t want to get the full extent of your reaction. He is hoping that you’ll follow his lead and keep things subdued.

Men Can Feel Sorrow, Doubt, And Uncertainty After Delivering This Message: Women often feel that a man who is telling them that he no longer loves them is only thinking of himself and his own feelings. This isn’t always the case either. Many men are quite torn and filled with sorrow. Many will tell you that they still love their wife very much, but they have doubts about the fact that they “in love” with her. But because of that continuing love for her, they are filled with sorrow for any part that they have in hurting her. They will sometimes even admit that they feel guilt or a sense of loss for the changes to the relationship. Also, some of them are unsure if they are correct about their feelings or if sharing this with their wife was the right thing to do.

Men Can And Do Change Their Minds Sometimes: I’d like to make one final point. I know that this hurts. And as much as I would like to, I have to tell you that I can’t tell you how this is going to turn out. But I can’t tell you that it’s certainly not unheard of for men to project frustration from other areas of their life (like their job or their other close relationships) onto their wife or their marriage. Sometimes, they will later realize that they were still in love with their wife, but this wasn’t clear to them because they were under too much stress or because both people had allowed the relationship to go stale.

So while this wife felt sure that her husband was happy to share this news because it meant that he was going to move on with his life or eventually divorce her, this may or may not have been true. Many men who deliver this news feel every bit as sad, unsure or scared as you do. But sometimes, they will posture because of their own agenda, their own fears, or they are trying to have some impact on your own reaction.

I admit that my response wasn’t a positive one after my husband started hinting that he was no longer in love with me.  And my reaction hurt my marriage even more. It took a lot of planning and trial and error to save my marriage.  But eventually, I found a way.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many people feel as if they must walk on eggshells around their unhappy and unsure spouse. Often, their spouse has admitted that he is no longer sure about the marriage.  Many times, a separation or divorce has been suggested.

The struggle might look like this: “my husband told me last week that he’s no longer sure that he wants to be married to me.  He finally agreed to not seek a separation or divorce for at least a couple of months.  So I know that I have at least a little bit of time to turn this around.  But, I feel awkward, or as if I’m on a spouse audition or something.  I feel like I only have a little bit of time to win over my husband and this makes me feel as if I have to pretend to be someone else or like I have to put on a happy face when I really don’t feel like it.  My friend says that I should just be myself because my true self is who my husband should be in love with.  But I don’t think that acting naturally is going to work.  Because I’ve been acting naturally for the last several years and clearly, this isn’t making him happy.  So how are you supposed to act around a spouse who isn’t sure about your marriage?”  I’ll try to address these concerns in the following article.

Your Behaviors And Actions Are Every Bit As Important As You Might Already Think:  I know that it is no fun to feel as if you’re under a microscope.  But the wife in this scenario was right to suspect that her behavior mattered.  Because when your spouse isn’t sure about your marriage, you can believe that they are going to be closely watching both you and the marriage in order to help them evaluate their next course of action.

I know that this can make you feel very uncomfortable.  But if you can look on the bright side, you’ll see that this can offer you an opportunity to show your spouse exactly and precisely who and what you want them to see.  And as a result, this gives you the opportunity to get the outcome that you want.  So, now let’s talk about showing him the woman who is most likely to make him recommit to his marriage.

Who Does Your Husband Most Want To See In Order To Feel More Sure About His Marriage?:  Many wives don’t have any idea who (or what) their husband wants.  Common comments are things like: “I don’t know who he wants me to be.  I’m a wife and mother and I try to be as attentive and as exciting as I can possibly be.  But the reality is that I have a lot of obligations and although I’m doing the best that I can, I’m not going to be that hot young woman he first met.”

I do understand these frustrations.  And many wives are right in their assumption that their husband wants to turn back the clock and wants to see that more naive and young woman who first turned his head. But here is the better news.  You are probably closer to that younger and more carefree version to yourself than you might think.  I firmly believe that it’s likely that you have not changed.  It’s your circumstances that have.  You have more responsibilities on your shoulders and more people depending on you.  And as a result, it’s more difficult for you to be so upbeat and so happy go lucky.  But, I promise you that it’s not impossible for you to frame what you already have so that you attract your husband back to you.  I’ll discuss how to do that right now.

Shine A Light On What You Already Know That He Loves:  Let’s face it.  Your history with your husband probably means that you know his personal likes and dislikes.  In short, you know what makes him tick, even when it comes to yourself. Most people intellectually understand that people are attracted to other people who make them feel good about themselves and their lives.  To that end, you do not want to walk around as if you have already lost him and your marriage (or as if you are afraid that you might.)

You want to be confident and upbeat.  You want to enjoy this time to rediscover each other.  You want to be as playful as you are able to be.  I realize that right now, what I am asking might seem to be quite difficult.  But to the extent that you can, try not to allow your fear to drive you.  It is much better for you to be in control rather than for the fear to be in control. Try not to see this as an audition of sorts.  Instead, see it as a way to show your husband your best self.  In short, you need to bring through who you truly are when you are not stressed or scared.

In order to do this, you may have to take a look at your lifestyle and your workload in order to make the changes that make this possible.  Having a perfect house isn’t nearly as important as having a healthy and fulfilling marriage, but so many of us put off our marriages (thinking they will always be there for us) and focus on our chores or our “shoulds” instead.  This is very common but it is so destructive and it can be changed.  See this as an opportunity to resurrect the marriage that you deserve.

So to answer the question posed, you should act as positive and as upbeat as you can around the spouse who isn’t sure about your marriage.  Doing so will not only make a reconciliation more likely, but it will make the situation more manageable as well.

Unfortunately, I didn’t understand these principles and I allowed the fear to drive me when my husband was unsure about me and our marriage.  Because of this, we ended up separated and almost divorced. It wasn’t until I accepted that I needed to focus on the positive to attract him back to me that things began to improve.  If it helps, you can read the whole story of how I saved my marriage on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many wives are dealing with husbands who are complaining about a change in the marriage.  Often, the husband is very clear on the fact that he isn’t happy, but he isn’t nearly as specific as to what has happened to make him so unhappy.  In fact, many husbands will tell you that they have no idea exactly what is wrong.  He’ll sometimes tell you that all he knows for certain is that he’s not happy with the way that things are.

A wife might have this type of situation: “my husband told me last night that he is unhappy in our marriage.  He didn’t go so far as to say that he wanted a separation or divorce, but I have the feeling that this is what is coming next.  I asked him what happened to us.  Because honestly, when I look back on our marriage, I remember the good times.  But apparently, he doesn’t.  Because his response to me was ‘I’m not sure what has happened to our marriage, but I’m sure that I’m no longer content with it.’  Well, I don’t know what happened either.  But I know that I’m doing the best that I can.  I know that I work full time and then come home and do an additional job taking care of my family.  I know that I try to be attentive to him but I have my own needs.  I also know that once you reach a certain age, you can no longer expect for your life to be a fun filled experience every single day.  What do men mean when they tell you that they don’t know why they’re not happy?  And what are you supposed to even do with this information?”

Men can mean a couple of different things in this scenario.  I sometimes have them comment on my blog and I feel that I have a decent handle on their possible mind set.  I’ll share some of the reasons that they offer in the following article.

 Often When Men Say They Don’t Know What Happened, They’re Reacting To A Slow Decline In Your Marriage:  Typically when people say that they aren’t sure what went wrong or that they can’t pinpoint any one thing that deteriorated their marriage, they’re often reacting to what isn’t there rather than what is there.  In other words, they’re noticing a lack of something that has slowly become apparent to them over the course of time.

Many men will eventually describe this as a lack of intimacy or passion.  In other words, the excitement seems to be lacking for them.  They’ll tell you that they can’t remember the last time their wife gave them her undivided attention  Or they don’t recall the last time she met him at the door and fell into his arms.

Of course, what many of these husbands don’t mention is the last time they remembered to bring their wife flowers or the last time he just listened to her.  It goes both ways, of course.  But it’s just human nature to place your most direct focus on your own needs, even when you love your spouse.

And often a man won’t complain about this at first.  He often intellectually realizes that you are being pulled in many different directions.  He wants for you to take good care of his children and he may feel like he’s complaining or whining if he directly asks for more of your time.  So he pushes this down until one day he wakes up and wonders what happens to your marriage and to the closeness that you once shared.  Unfortunately, he can’t always put his finger on this, and, even if he could, he will sometimes hesitate to sound so petty.

What Can Or Should You Do If Your Husband Suddenly Expresses His Unhappiness About Your Marriage But Can’t Be Specific About The Cause?: The first thing to remember is not to panic.  As is often the case, this husband hadn’t mentioned a divorce, but he had shared his struggles with his wife because he was unhappy enough to be honest and want a resolution.  Be grateful that he’s giving you the opportunity to resolve things without first wanting to make a change.  Because it’s not uncommon for wives to hear about their husband’s unhappiness while being asked for a separation or a divorce.

Then, try to take a very objective look at your marriage.  Now, sometimes husbands feel stress in other areas of their life and they project this onto your marriage.  But even so, every marriage can use some improvement and some additional attention.  To the extent you can, try to see your marriage through your husband’s eyes.  You likely know him pretty well and you probably know what is most important to him.  It is likely not too difficult to determine what he would like more of in your relationship.  It often boils down to attention, appreciation, and affection.   Even if you think he’s  being petty or needy, do your best to address his concerns.  Because when he is happier, then your marriage is going to improve and you are going to be more happy also.

Sometimes I have wives who do understand what I am saying but they don’t think that this whole situation is quite fair. I often hear comments like “well what about me?  He doesn’t pay enough attention to me either, but apparently, I’m just supposed to meet his needs because he’s whining.”  Try not to see it this way.  Because if he feels that his needs are being met then he is going to do a better job of meeting yours so that neither of you will feel as if you are doing all the giving or making all of the concessions.

So to answer some of the questions posed, a husband who announces that he isn’t happy is usually is telling you that things aren’t as exciting or as fulfilling anymore and that he wants more of your attention and appreciation. Often if you make a very conscious effort to show him more of these things, both of you will experience an increase of your happiness level and your marriage should improve as well. Wives often doubt that it’s this simple or easy.  It’s not easy, but human nature usually isn’t all that complicated.  Husbands and wives generally want the same things, also they don’t always express it or receive it in the same way.

I wish I had paid more attention to my husband when he started hinting about how unhappy he was.  Eventually, he felt that he needed a separation in order to get my attention.  It was a huge challenge to get him back and to save my marriage, but I finally found a couple of things that worked. If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  Many wives are dealing with husbands who are distancing themselves or pulling away from the wife because of reasons that are hard to dispute.  An example is a husband claiming that he is motivated by what is best for his wife.  And often, he will claim that he, and the marriage, are not in the best interest of the wife. So, he’ll say that he wants to leave her or end the marriage because this is what is best for her.

One of these wives might explain: “my husband told me last week that he is considering leaving me.  He said that I have given up too much to be with him.   My husband has three kids from a previous marriage and they all moved in with me once we got together.  My husband lost his job and now my house is up for foreclosure.  One of the kids requires expensive speech therapy, which my insurance pays for.  My husband’s ex wife is always calling me and being nasty.  So there’s a lot of stress as a result of all of these things, but I knew that when I agreed to marry my husband.  Before we met, I used to go hiking with friends on weekends.  I ran marathons.  I don’t do these things much anymore because I would rather spend the time with my new family.  The other day, I made the mistake of mentioning that sometimes I missed being outside or running and that, if we ended up moving, I hoped the new place had trails for jogging.  That’s when my husband told me that he was considering leaving because he doesn’t think that our marriage has been good for me.  He says that I have given up too much for him and his kids and that it’s just not right.  He says I’m angry and stressed all of the time and that’s not the kind of person I was when we met.  I don’t want to be the same person.  I don’t mind that my new family has changed me.  My friends say that this is just an excuse.  But why else would he be leaving me?”

Unfortunately, I didn’t have definitive answers.  There was no way for me to know if this husband was telling her the truth about the reasons that he wanted to leave.  And, there were several possibilities here, which I’ll discuss below.

Maybe He Just Wants Reassurances That You’re Happy In Your Marriage: The first possibility was that the husband may have wanted for the wife to reassure him that in fact, she was happy in the marriage, despite the stress in their lives.  The husband likely felt guilty that his family’s presence was causing her a lot of new stresses and problems.  So, it was possible that he was just trying to get an honest reaction out of her and he was hoping that she would ask him not to leave and reassure him that she actually was happy in the marriage.

Some Husbands Will Use This Excuse To Spare The Wife’s Feelings: Unfortunately, some men will use this whole “the marriage is not good for you” excuse to make their leaving seem commendable or selfless when it is anything but.  Sometimes, it is the husband who is not happy but he doesn’t want to hurt the wife by telling her that truth.  So instead, he will try to make it look as if he really is looking out for her best invested when instead, he is looking out for his.   Again, the way to determine if this was the case would be for the wife to say that she was happy in the marriage, but maybe she could request more free time to run so that she could help to manage her stress.  A husband who wants to continue on with the marriage would be happy to comply with that, while a husband who really just wanted out and was making excuses would likely continue on with the whole “I’m not good enough for you” talk no matter what the wife said.

He May Truly Think He’s Sacrificing His Own Happiness For Yours:  Some men truly do love their wives enough to let her go if they think that being with him is causing her pain or holding her back.  If this is the case, the key is showing him that you are much happier with him than you would be without him, no matter what he may think to the contrary.

A suggested script would be something like: “I am the person most qualified to determine if this marriage is good enough for me.  And I know that it is.  Admittedly, there is some stress in our lives, but I would much rather have that stress with you than to have a stress free life without you.  We’re a team.  I will stand by you because I know that you would do the same for me.  That’s what people do when they love each other and are partners.  It actually hurts me and causes more stress to hear you say these things.  I’m touched that you care enough to put my well being before your own, but believe me, if I thought that the marriage wasn’t good for me, I would tell you.  And I don’t feel that way at all.  I’m perfectly content and I am the one who gets to decide what is good for me. And I decided that my marriage and my family are the best things for me.”

If this type of conversation doesn’t begin to help, then you have to ask yourself if there are larger issues at play.  If so, this doesn’t necessarily mean that your marriage is over.  But it can mean that you need to address issues that go beyond whether the marriage is good for you or not.  But this script should help you to decipher what your husband is really saying so that you can know what to address first.

My husband tried to tell me that he was leaving because the marriage wasn’t good for either of us.  But, at the end of the day, he just wasn’t happy and there were many other issues.  Just reassuring my husband that I was happy didn’t work because there were other issues that needed to be resolved.  It wasn’t until I got serious about changing the dynamics of our marriage that I was able to save it.  If it helps, you can read about the entire process on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  Many wives are confused about their husband’s behavior after he’s asked for a separation.  Sometimes, the husbands are distant and somewhat petty.  But other times, the husband’s behavior toward the wife has actually improved to the point where the wife would describe his behavior as nice or even pleasant.

A wife might explain: “my husband told me three weeks ago that he was going to begin looking for another place to live for a while because he wants a separation.  I don’t want to be separated and I have made my thoughts about this very clear.  But my husband says he’s going to move forward and move out anyway.  One thing that really has me confused is that my husband is being so nice to me right now.  He hasn’t said kind words to me or carried out thoughtful actions in years.  And yet, as soon as he’s announced he wants to separate, suddenly he is compassionate, humorous, and thoughtful.  Why would he be acting this way?  And if he can be so nice when things aren’t going well.  Then why do we even have to separate?”  I’ll try to answer these questions in the following article.

There Are Various Reasons That A Husband Might Be Nice To His Wife When They Are Getting Ready To Separate:  There usually isn’t a one size fits all answer here.  There are many possible reasons for his behavior.  Think for a second about how confused and scared you are.  Well, your husband can have conflicting feelings also.  Many people assume that because he’s the one who initiated the separation, then this must mean that he’s very confident moving forward that he has made the right choice.  This isn’t always true.  Sometimes, he’s every bit as unsure as you are, but he feels that he needs to give this a try to see if it offers any relief.  Below, I’ll offer some possibilities as to why he might be acting this way.

He May Want To Set A Positive Tone: Think about it. Why wouldn’t he want to be nice and start things off in a positive way? I understand that being nice might seem out of character for him. But consider that maybe he wants a positive start.  After all, separating is hard enough without having a negative attitude. And he often knows that you will have a better chance of salvaging the marriage (or at least making things better) if the two of you can get along.  And it’s just common sense that the chances are better that you will get along if both people are being nice to one another.

He May Be Trying To Lessen Your Resistance:  Another possibility is that since this husband knew that the wife had serious reservations about the separation, it’s possible that he figured that being nice might lessen her resistance.  This is the thought process many husbands will go through when they know that they are going to move forward and they want your cooperation.  So by being nice, he’s hoping that you will at least tone down the resistance if not get on board.  He hopes that your cooperation will make the process easier for both of you.

He Feels A Sense Of Relief That He May Finally Get Some Answers:  Sometimes, you will see your husband in a good mood or being nice because he’s just relieved that he’s finally moving forward.  It’s very rare that this announcement about a separation is the result of a sudden decision.  Often, husbands have been thinking this over for quite some time. Usually, they’ve gone back and forth in their mind about how to proceed.  And this hesitancy and slow pace can be frustrating and discouraging for them.  So, when they finally make a firm decision and finally set a plan in motion, there can be a huge relief of stress that has been building.

This can especially be true when they suspect that this plan is going to give them an answer about what they want to happen with your marriage.  See, men often pursue a separation when they’re confused about what they want in terms of the future of their marriage.  So when they’re in a situation where they’re actually moving forward toward a resolution, then this can feel better to them than living in a state of confusion or feeling as if they are constantly stuck.

How Should You React When He’s Acting So Nice?: Many wives are very tempted to tell their husband that acting so nice is infuriating because you suspect that it’s all an act anyway.  And you have a right to these feelings.  But if you’re thinking about this in a very strategic way, then you may come to the conclusion that doing this may not be in your best interest if you are trying to save your marriage.

Because in order to make things better, you need to be cooperating with your husband rather than arguing with him.  So my advice is to fight fire with fire.  You can be every bit as nice as he is being.  And this should actually help to establish a positive relationship during the separation (which you are going to need if you want to save your marriage during it.)

I believe that my husband acted nice before the separation in order to get me to agree to it.  But things didn’t go the way that he planned because I reacted very poorly and this only made my situation much worse.  If I had been as pleasant as he had been, things might have been different.  But because I answered his pleasantness with anger and fear, I had a lot of making up to do during the separation.  It was a much more difficult and long process than it needed to be.  But I eventually found some strategies that worked.  If it helps, you can read about this on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many wives are happy that their husband is coming over regularly while they are separated. But, the wives sometimes can’t help but wonder if the husband is only coming over to see the children instead of being motivated by seeing them.

A wife might say, in part: “my husband has been coming by every Wednesday night and on weekends since we’ve been separated. We’ve been getting along well, but part of me can’t help but wonder if he’s only coming over to see his kids. He does interact with me when he is here and things seem to pretty easy between us. I’m glad he wants to see his children and is so involved in their lives. But, I hope it’s not too selfish that I also want him to be coming over to see me. How do I know if that’s the case? Should I just ask him? Or do I just wait and see what happens?”

I didn’t think that this wife was being selfish, but I also suspected that just coming out and asking him why he was coming over might carry some risks. Unless you are in a situation where the two of you are very open and comfortable with one another (even during the separation,) then the concern would be that if he’s not ready for this question, he might give you an undesirable answer, or, worse, he may stop coming over quite as often.

Men don’t always know the exact motivation behind their actions. He may not have sat down and thought about or defined why he is acting as he is and being asked to do so might be a bit of a turn off for him. Or, he might misunderstand you and think that you’re questioning his motivations because you aren’t sure that you want him coming around so much if his intentions aren’t to your liking. So, I think there are some better alternatives to flat out asking him why he’s coming over during the separation, which I’ll discuss now.

Offer To Allow Him To Spend Time With The Kids Without Your Presence And See How He Reacts: One suggestion would be that the next time your husband comes over the house, you might consider saying something to the effect of: “I know that you’re here to see the kids, so I’m going to get out of here so that you guys can spend some time alone together.” This gives your husband the perfect opportunity to clarify and tell you that he is also there to see or spend time with you. If you don’t get the response that you were hoping for, try again a second time later on and see if your husband doesn’t ask you to stay or doesn’t ask to spend more time with you at another time to compensate.  One more tactic would be to just ask him if he wants to spend time alone with the kids or if he’d like to interact with them somewhere other than at your home. Again, this is giving him a chance to clarify without your coming right out and being too direct.

What Happens If You’ve Tried Different Things And You’re Starting To Think He’s Only There To See The Kids?: Sometimes, wives try the above and find that the husband isn’t all that receptive or doesn’t ask them to stay. And often, as a result, the wife panics and thinks that the husband has no interest in seeing her and therefore worries that the separation is only making things worse or is the first step to a divorce.

I would caution you against doing this. Although he may initially be there to see the kids, that doesn’t mean that you can’t have a positive attitude and hope that you make a little bit of improvement each time so that eventually, he is there to see both the kids and you. Sometimes when you are separated, you have to accept small victories and gradual progress. Much of the time, your husband isn’t absolutely sure what he wants. He may know that he enjoys seeing the kids, but he isn’t thinking very hard about the reasons behind the visits. He may not know what his motivations are. And this can be OK.

Because things in this scenarios were going well, I’d encourage the wife to worry more about being sure that they were continuing to go well rather than forcing the husband to define his exact motivations when he may not understand them all that much himself. If he is mostly coming to see the kids, don’t see this as a defeat. Be glad that he’s involved in their lives and know that this gives you an advantage. Not all wives have regular access to their separated husbands. And this most definitely gives you a foundation on which to rebuild.

I had to use a very gradual process when my husband and I were separated.  I saw each interaction as an opportunity to set up the next one.  And I kept things up this way until eventually my husband took the lead and began to initiate more interaction.  This was the beginning of our reconciliation.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  Many wives are dealing with husbands who are saying that they are unhappy, but who don’t seem to have a valid reason for their discontent.  It’s confusing because, on the surface, the husband has a great life.  But, for whatever reason, he doesn’t see things in the same way as the wife sees them.  A wife might explain: “I think that we have a pretty good life.  We both have good jobs.  Our kids are healthy and happy.  And I think that our marriage is pretty decent.  But lately, my husband has started muttering about not being fulfilled and happy.  He looks at some of his coworkers who don’t have kids and who has a much more free lifestyle and I think he gets envious.  He sees his friends playing golf all the time without a care in the world.  And I think he feels tied down.  Lately, he’s started saying that maybe he needs some time away.  This is scaring me badly.  How do I make him see that we have a good life and that what we are doing matters?”

This is a difficult situation.  Because often, the more you try to convince him how good your life is, the more it sounds like you’re trying to sell him a bill of goods because of your own agenda. And the more he might pull away.  So you have to strike a very delicate balance between trying to allow him to figure things out on his own while not completely ignoring what could potentially be a very dangerous threat to your marriage.

Try To Make Your Home Life More Fun And Adventurous:  Many times, husbands look at their single friends and co-workers, and they can’t help but feel as if they are missing out.   They see these guys having all sorts of fun without all of the responsibilities attached.  So it’s very important that, to the extent you can, you try to schedule fun and adventure into your family life.   You don’t want for either of you to feel as if your life is limited because you have children.  In fact, you want for him to think that having a family is just a bonus to what he’s enjoyed all along.   So train your kids to be flexible and be sure to schedule some time away for just the two of you.

Don’t Make Your Husband Feel Selfish For Wanting A Little More:  Many wives who originally set out to convince their husband how good he has it instead end up making him feel as if he is a selfish jerk for wanting more.  They can make him feel as if he’s blind to what is right in front of him.  And although these may well be valid observations, bringing this to his attention sometimes sounds like nagging or it makes him feel as if you’re insinuating that he’s being overly critical of the family that he should instead appreciate.  So always try to be gentle and diplomatic when you’re trying to make him see how good your family life actually is.  You don’t want to make him feel defensive or attacked.

Ask Him What Would Make Him Happier: Sometimes, you can make a lot of headway by just asking your husband very directly what he needs more of.  I know that this sounds very simplistic, but you would be surprised how many people miss this.  They will tiptoe around the topic or try to approach it indirectly.  Instead, considering approaching it directly, but in a loving way.  You might say something like: “I’ve noticed that you don’t seem as fulfilled lately.  I love you and I really want you to be happy.  What can I do to help?  Is there anything that you need more or less of in your life?  What can I do to help you get what you need?”  Some men will pause when asked these questions directly, but often this leads to a very meaningful conversation that will give you clues, answers, or a starting point.

Be Willing To Hear What He Is Saying Without Getting Defensive:  As I said before, often asking your husband what he wants more of in his life will bring about an open conversation.  Sometimes, the answers that your husband will give you will be surprising or even a little bit hurtful.  Always try to remember that these answers (once acted upon) are going to help your marriage in the long run.  So try to be objective and to really listen to what he is saying so that you can act on it later.  Try not to become defensive.  He’s opened up to you and this is exactly what you wanted. So now it’s up to you to take the initiative to begin to incorporate what he’s said into your lives.

Also, take some time to think about what you want more of in your life.  Because believe me when I say that two people who are happier as individuals also have much happier marriages.

My husband and I didn’t have children when he began to think the grass was greener for his single friends.  But his restlessness hurt our marriage nonetheless.  For a while, I tried to make him feel ungrateful or selfish.  But it soon became clear that this wasn’t going to work.  Eventually. I had to use these techniques to begin the process of saving our marriage.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many wives want to make their marriage work no matter what.  But they often aren’t sure if it is going to be possible, especially since they often don’t have the cooperation or the interest of their husband.  As a wife who has been there, I know how this feels. You feel as if you’re trying to row upstream all by yourself with no help from your husband.

A wife might explain: “my husband and I have been struggling for several months.  He’s started hinting about a divorce, but this is the last thing that I want.  I truly want to make my marriage work, but he has shown very little interest in cooperating with or helping me.  I’ve suggested counseling or taking a trip together.  I’ve offered to make concessions or hear him out.  But nothing that I’ve put on the table has been accepted. He just doesn’t seem interested in making any changes or improvements.  And I suppose this would be OK except for he makes it very clear that he is not happy with the way that things are.  So clearly, things need to change.  But I’m not sure that I’m going to be able to change things myself without his cooperation.  Is there any hope at all that I can make my marriage work without his cooperation?”

Actually, I think there’s a good deal of hope.  I was in this situation also.  My husband wasn’t interested in helping me to make our marriage work in any way, shape, or form.  And, for a while, I considered my situation hopeless and even thought about giving up.  But I decided that I didn’t have anything to lose by trying to make some changes on my own.

And you know what? After a gradual period of time, improvements began to happen.  And once my husband began to see that things were changing for the better without any substantial difficulties on his part, then I saw his resistance begin to lessen.  And I believe that this process is possible for many couples.  The key is that you have to make the process seem pleasurable and not too terribly hard on a resistant husband.

Here are a few things that you might want to consider.   Often, the issues in the marriage have been present for some time.  This can contribute to your husband thinking that things are never truly going to change.  So when you come along and propose counseling, talking, or many other things that don’t seem all that fun, he has his doubts that your new proposal is actually going to work anyway.  So often the husband will think things like: “so she’s asking me to sit in a stuffy counselor’s office and pay hundreds of dollars when nothing is going to work anyway?”

This is often the level of doubt that you are dealing with. And this is one reason that he will often be reluctant to cooperate.  He can see it as a waste of time.  And he can also see it as something that is going to be awkward or painful. So understand that you have a couple of things to overcome.  First, you need to show him that things actually can change.  And second, you need to show him that these changes don’t need to be too difficult for him to accomplish.  Once he begins to see these things, you will often see him being much more receptive.

So, How Do You Work Things Out On Your Own?:  So now that I’ve covered some of the things that you have to overcome, let’s talk about how this might work in a real situation.  In this wife’s scenario, one of their main issues was the fact that their marriage had become stale and the intimacy was gone.  Because of this, every time they tried to address their problems, there was a lack of interest and animosity.  So nothing was ever resolved. The wife might first try to recreate some intimacy and empathy without worrying about the end result as it related to the marriage.  In other words, I suggested that she just worry about reconnecting and having some fun together before she started dwelling on their problems.

This would allow the process to feel somewhat effortless.  And here’s something that many people don’t consider.  Once some of the intimacy and empathy returns, the problems just don’t seem as large anymore.  Because both people care about the experiences of the other, each person is willing to cooperate and compromise so much more and suddenly the problems that you were struggling so hard against seem smaller and more manageable.

That’s why it can be very important to try to tackle only one thing at a time.  It can be counterproductive to try to work out your problems before you are clicking and getting along again.  I know that it’s tempting to want to feel as if you are quickly addressing your issues.  But understand that if you try to do too much too soon, you run the risk of your husband watching as you fail once again.  Commit to tackling the easiest things first so that you are creating more cooperation as you go along.  The more you can have fun with your husband, the more he is going to cooperate with you, even if he doesn’t realize that he’s doing it and even if he has no idea that his receptiveness is helping to work things out.

Typically what happens is that one day you realize that your marriage is, in fact, working out even if that’s not what you are calling it and even if your husband has no idea that he’s acting contributing to, rather than resisting, the process.

I had to use this gradual approach when my own husband wasn’t interested in helping to work things out.  I had to take very small baby steps so that I would encounter his resistance.  This was gradual, but it worked.  If it helps, you can read about the entire process from beginning to end on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Sometimes, when wives are trying to get their husbands to come back home, the husband is in control of the timing of his return. However, other times, wives take back control by making it their decision as to when to allow him to return back home.

A wife might say: “my husband and I were fighting all the time and he wasn’t appreciating me enough so I asked him to leave.  This isn’t the first time either.  He moved out a couple of years ago when he lost his job and we were constantly fighting about money.  We limped along for a while until he resorted back to his old habits and we started fighting again and he wasn’t even trying to work on our marriage.  So I asked him to leave so he would learn his lesson.  He’s been gone for a couple of weeks and he wants to come home.  He keeps calling asking me to let him return.  How long should I wait until I allow him to come back?  How long until I’m able to prove my point?  I want him to stop taking me for granted and treating me poorly.  And this is the only way I know to get his attention.”

Be Careful Of Creating An Unfortunate Cycle: Although it’s very common for one spouse to initiate a break or a separation in order to be taken seriously, sometimes this course of events can become an unfortunate habit, which appeared to be the case here.  It seemed that every time the couple had difficulties, the wife felt that she needed to do something dramatic in order to get the husband’s attention.  As a result, he would show her the behaviors that she was looking for – but only for a while – and then he would resort back to the same behavior until the cycle would repeat itself.

Asking The Right Questions: This wife might be asking the wrong question.  Instead of asking when she should let him back home to teach him a lesson, she might want to ask how she could bring about a change in the husband’s behaviors.  The key would be that such a change should be lasting and healthy for the relationship rather than hurtful to the relationship, which was the case now.

Because right now, it seemed pretty obvious that both spouses knew that this wife was going to let the husband come back home eventually.  It was also a reasonably safe bet that eventually the husband was going to resort back to his old behaviors over a certain period of time. But what if, instead of repeating this destructive cycle, the wife actually had a plan to change things once and for all?  What if instead of demanding that the husband act in such a fleeting way, she instead inspired him to want to do better?  I know this to be possible as I have done it myself.

The key is to determine why the husband is acting out and then to deal with whatever issues are contributing to the problem.  With that done, you want to praise and encourage the husband when you see the behaviors that you want.  Instead, the wife had been trying to punish him or make him afraid.  These things only worked for a very short time and they made the husband resentful and withdrawn, which only damaged the marriage further.  But if she could gradually make the husband want to do better and then praise him when he did, this would create a cycle that would make her marriage better and stronger.

The cycle that she was in now was weakening her marriage.  And it was ensuring that every time they went through this, she had to be even more dramatic and forceful to get the husband to comply.  The risk was that eventually, the husband would think that the whole process wasn’t even worth it and wouldn’t even try to return back home.

Have A Workable Plan: So I guess my answer to this wife’s question would be that I would suggest waiting until you have a workable plan to strengthen your marriage in place before you worried about him coming home.  Because having the husband leave to “scare” him was only putting a band-aid on problems that were never being addressed so they were going to continue to come up again and again until eventually, they might end the marriage altogether.  But if the wife changed this dynamic and made it where the husband wanted to please her (and got positive feedback when he did) then she was setting it up so that the husband wouldn’t be likely to leave again.

In my own situation, it was my husband’s decision as to when he decided to come back.  But frankly, if he had come back before we had a workable plan in place, he likely would have eventually left again and we would probably have divorced.  It wasn’t until we changed the dynamics and problems in our marriage that we didn’t have to worry about anyone leaving our marriage.  You can read our story of recovery on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  Many wives are bothered by their husband’s emotions as the couple is getting ready to separate.  The wives often hope that they will see some sadness, regret, or hesitation as the trial or marital separation is approaching.  But, many are very upset to find that they are seeing just the opposite.   Many notice that their husband seems very happy or worse, he freely tells them how happy he is that the separation is upcoming.

One might say: “I have fought this separation for weeks but my husband insists that he is not happy and isn’t going to settle for anything other than us living apart until we can decide what is best for us and our marriage.   The fact that he plans to move out is bad enough, but he freely admits that he is happy and looking forward to being on our own.  He talks about the separation as though it’s a glamorous vacation that he’s getting ready to embark upon.  His excitement is obvious.  I’m worried that if he’s so happy to be rid of me, then how in the world am I going to avoid a divorce.  If he’s happy to be separating then I’ll bet he will throw a huge party when he moves toward a divorce.   This is so upsetting to me.  I want to have faith that this process is going to work and that he will miss me so that we can eventually get back together.  But his happiness is like a slap in the face.  What now?”

Having been in this situation myself, I could identify.  It’s normal to assume the worst because your marriage is likely the most important relationship in your life.  It’s common for fear to take over rational thought and so the next course of action is to assume the worst. But I have to tell you that in my situation and in many others, the husband’s happiness eventually gave way to something else.  He may very well think that he is getting ready to go on some grand adventure or will have the free time to have the reflection that he has been hoping for.  Often though, the reality is a little different than what either party anticipated.

Sometimes, he will find that the separation has brought about loneliness instead of elation and isolation instead of reflection.  And, if you are not able to delay or thwart the separation, the only way to find out how either of you is going to act is to wait and see without panicking.   Often, if you are able to allow this to play out while working on your own plan to save your marriage, you will find that not only is his happiness short-lived, but things did not progress as you had feared.

The second point that I would like to make is that I believe that it is a huge mistake to not only assume but to mention a divorce.  The wife in this scenario admitted that she would say things like “you’re going to divorce me, aren’t you?”  Or “I know that the separation is just the first step in your plan to divorce me but to make it look like you didn’t act too quickly.”   When you say things like this, you are making it seem as if a divorce is something that you expect.  This can be a big mistake.  Instead, you want to give the impression that you are expecting a good outcome because you trust that your husband is going to do the right thing.  You want to make it clear that you believe that your love for one another will pull you through once you have the time to reflect.

There are many reasons for this, but one of the most important is that you don’t want to be so negative that your husband hesitates to spend time with you, reach out to you, or to be honest about his feelings.   And you don’t want him to think that you have already accepted the possibility of a divorce so that things will be easier for him when he decides to begin that route.  Instead, you want to set the tone of things actually improving.  You want to make it clear that you expect that the separation will actually ultimately help matters.  Nothing says you can’t meet his happiness with your own happiness.  It will make you more accessible to him.  It will make life more bearable.  And it will make him wonder what is the source of your happiness so that he is more likely to stay close to you in order to find out.

I’m not saying that any of this is going to be absolutely easy.  Separations can be difficult, but they can also be unavoidable when you have a husband who is determined to have one.  In that situation, sometimes the best that you can do is to control how you act, respond, and present yourself once the separation takes place.  Because if you have a firm handle on your emotions, your behaviors, and your actions, then you will have a much better chance of attracting him back to you when he’s not as happy as he might have hoped.

My husband seemed way too happy as our separation approached.  This led me to panic and to act in ways that didn’t help matters at all. It wasn’t until I got control of my own behaviors and actions that things began to improve.  I eventually came to realize that if I was going to avoid a divorce, I had to change course and no longer act on fear.  I learned to be very deliberate with my actions.  I learned to create mystery, and this made all the difference.   If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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