Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  Many wives are dealing with husbands who are saying that they are unhappy, but who don’t seem to have a valid reason for their discontent.  It’s confusing because, on the surface, the husband has a great life.  But, for whatever reason, he doesn’t see things in the same way as the wife sees them.  A wife might explain: “I think that we have a pretty good life.  We both have good jobs.  Our kids are healthy and happy.  And I think that our marriage is pretty decent.  But lately, my husband has started muttering about not being fulfilled and happy.  He looks at some of his coworkers who don’t have kids and who has a much more free lifestyle and I think he gets envious.  He sees his friends playing golf all the time without a care in the world.  And I think he feels tied down.  Lately, he’s started saying that maybe he needs some time away.  This is scaring me badly.  How do I make him see that we have a good life and that what we are doing matters?”

This is a difficult situation.  Because often, the more you try to convince him how good your life is, the more it sounds like you’re trying to sell him a bill of goods because of your own agenda. And the more he might pull away.  So you have to strike a very delicate balance between trying to allow him to figure things out on his own while not completely ignoring what could potentially be a very dangerous threat to your marriage.

Try To Make Your Home Life More Fun And Adventurous:  Many times, husbands look at their single friends and co-workers, and they can’t help but feel as if they are missing out.   They see these guys having all sorts of fun without all of the responsibilities attached.  So it’s very important that, to the extent you can, you try to schedule fun and adventure into your family life.   You don’t want for either of you to feel as if your life is limited because you have children.  In fact, you want for him to think that having a family is just a bonus to what he’s enjoyed all along.   So train your kids to be flexible and be sure to schedule some time away for just the two of you.

Don’t Make Your Husband Feel Selfish For Wanting A Little More:  Many wives who originally set out to convince their husband how good he has it instead end up making him feel as if he is a selfish jerk for wanting more.  They can make him feel as if he’s blind to what is right in front of him.  And although these may well be valid observations, bringing this to his attention sometimes sounds like nagging or it makes him feel as if you’re insinuating that he’s being overly critical of the family that he should instead appreciate.  So always try to be gentle and diplomatic when you’re trying to make him see how good your family life actually is.  You don’t want to make him feel defensive or attacked.

Ask Him What Would Make Him Happier: Sometimes, you can make a lot of headway by just asking your husband very directly what he needs more of.  I know that this sounds very simplistic, but you would be surprised how many people miss this.  They will tiptoe around the topic or try to approach it indirectly.  Instead, considering approaching it directly, but in a loving way.  You might say something like: “I’ve noticed that you don’t seem as fulfilled lately.  I love you and I really want you to be happy.  What can I do to help?  Is there anything that you need more or less of in your life?  What can I do to help you get what you need?”  Some men will pause when asked these questions directly, but often this leads to a very meaningful conversation that will give you clues, answers, or a starting point.

Be Willing To Hear What He Is Saying Without Getting Defensive:  As I said before, often asking your husband what he wants more of in his life will bring about an open conversation.  Sometimes, the answers that your husband will give you will be surprising or even a little bit hurtful.  Always try to remember that these answers (once acted upon) are going to help your marriage in the long run.  So try to be objective and to really listen to what he is saying so that you can act on it later.  Try not to become defensive.  He’s opened up to you and this is exactly what you wanted. So now it’s up to you to take the initiative to begin to incorporate what he’s said into your lives.

Also, take some time to think about what you want more of in your life.  Because believe me when I say that two people who are happier as individuals also have much happier marriages.

My husband and I didn’t have children when he began to think the grass was greener for his single friends.  But his restlessness hurt our marriage nonetheless.  For a while, I tried to make him feel ungrateful or selfish.  But it soon became clear that this wasn’t going to work.  Eventually. I had to use these techniques to begin the process of saving our marriage.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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