My Husband Wants A Separation But Is Acting So Nice To Me. Why?
By: Leslie Cane: Many wives are confused about their husband’s behavior after he’s asked for a separation. Sometimes, the husbands are distant and somewhat petty. But other times, the husband’s behavior toward the wife has actually improved to the point where the wife would describe his behavior as nice or even pleasant.
A wife might explain: “my husband told me three weeks ago that he was going to begin looking for another place to live for a while because he wants a separation. I don’t want to be separated and I have made my thoughts about this very clear. But my husband says he’s going to move forward and move out anyway. One thing that really has me confused is that my husband is being so nice to me right now. He hasn’t said kind words to me or carried out thoughtful actions in years. And yet, as soon as he’s announced he wants to separate, suddenly he is compassionate, humorous, and thoughtful. Why would he be acting this way? And if he can be so nice when things aren’t going well. Then why do we even have to separate?” I’ll try to answer these questions in the following article.
There Are Various Reasons That A Husband Might Be Nice To His Wife When They Are Getting Ready To Separate: There usually isn’t a one size fits all answer here. There are many possible reasons for his behavior. Think for a second about how confused and scared you are. Well, your husband can have conflicting feelings also. Many people assume that because he’s the one who initiated the separation, then this must mean that he’s very confident moving forward that he has made the right choice. This isn’t always true. Sometimes, he’s every bit as unsure as you are, but he feels that he needs to give this a try to see if it offers any relief. Below, I’ll offer some possibilities as to why he might be acting this way.
He May Want To Set A Positive Tone: Think about it. Why wouldn’t he want to be nice and start things off in a positive way? I understand that being nice might seem out of character for him. But consider that maybe he wants a positive start. After all, separating is hard enough without having a negative attitude. And he often knows that you will have a better chance of salvaging the marriage (or at least making things better) if the two of you can get along. And it’s just common sense that the chances are better that you will get along if both people are being nice to one another.
He May Be Trying To Lessen Your Resistance: Another possibility is that since this husband knew that the wife had serious reservations about the separation, it’s possible that he figured that being nice might lessen her resistance. This is the thought process many husbands will go through when they know that they are going to move forward and they want your cooperation. So by being nice, he’s hoping that you will at least tone down the resistance if not get on board. He hopes that your cooperation will make the process easier for both of you.
He Feels A Sense Of Relief That He May Finally Get Some Answers: Sometimes, you will see your husband in a good mood or being nice because he’s just relieved that he’s finally moving forward. It’s very rare that this announcement about a separation is the result of a sudden decision. Often, husbands have been thinking this over for quite some time. Usually, they’ve gone back and forth in their mind about how to proceed. And this hesitancy and slow pace can be frustrating and discouraging for them. So, when they finally make a firm decision and finally set a plan in motion, there can be a huge relief of stress that has been building.
This can especially be true when they suspect that this plan is going to give them an answer about what they want to happen with your marriage. See, men often pursue a separation when they’re confused about what they want in terms of the future of their marriage. So when they’re in a situation where they’re actually moving forward toward a resolution, then this can feel better to them than living in a state of confusion or feeling as if they are constantly stuck.
How Should You React When He’s Acting So Nice?: Many wives are very tempted to tell their husband that acting so nice is infuriating because you suspect that it’s all an act anyway. And you have a right to these feelings. But if you’re thinking about this in a very strategic way, then you may come to the conclusion that doing this may not be in your best interest if you are trying to save your marriage.
Because in order to make things better, you need to be cooperating with your husband rather than arguing with him. So my advice is to fight fire with fire. You can be every bit as nice as he is being. And this should actually help to establish a positive relationship during the separation (which you are going to need if you want to save your marriage during it.)
I believe that my husband acted nice before the separation in order to get me to agree to it. But things didn’t go the way that he planned because I reacted very poorly and this only made my situation much worse. If I had been as pleasant as he had been, things might have been different. But because I answered his pleasantness with anger and fear, I had a lot of making up to do during the separation. It was a much more difficult and long process than it needed to be. But I eventually found some strategies that worked. If it helps, you can read about this on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com
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