Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  One of the biggest issues that I hear about from separated spouses is about disagreements or misunderstandings regarding communication.  Typically, there is one spouse who wants much more communication and one spouse who is resistant to giving it.

Usually (but not always) the spouse who initiated the separation is the one who is resistant to talking. And the spouse who resisted the separation is the one who is trying to talk more.  In extreme cases, one of the spouse is all but refusing to speak with the other.  When you want to save your marriage, this can pose a huge problem.  Often, one spouse will try to inspire, force, or provoke the reluctant spouse into talking more.  But this often backfires in a big way. It can lead to less talking, which is the opposite of what you want.

Someone might say: “I really don’t understand why my separated husband all but refuses to talk to me.  I haven’t done anything to him.  It is not as if we have had a huge fight or anything.  Yes, he wanted the separation and he pushed hard for it.  No matter what I said or did, he was determined to move out and he did.  But he made it sound as if we were going to keep in touch with one another.  He made it sound like, even if we weren’t talking every day, we would talk sometimes.  Well, he never calls. And when I call him, he either won’t pick up or he will only be on the phone for a few seconds before telling me that he has to go.  I’ve tried stopping by his apartment, but he tells me that he is busy.  He is all but refusing to talk to me and I don’t understand it.  Is this his way of totally trying to get rid of me? I don’t understand why someone who has been married will just not talk to his spouse.  Granted, I know that we are separated, but still….”

I know how frustrating this must be.  This was one of the biggest issues during my own separation.  But the more I tried to force my separated husband to communicate, the worse it got.  Below, I will go over some common reasons for this and I will offer some suggestions on how to deal with it.

He May Be Trying To Claim His Space:  A big reason that many men pursue a separation is that they are trying to “have space,” to “think,” or to “sort things out.”  These are all vague phrases that are very common.  But what he really means is that he wants to lay low for a while and just be on his own. He may not have envisioned constant communication, so when you try to initiate this, he is going to push back by not speaking at all.  I’m not saying that this is fair, I’m just trying to give you insights on why you might be seeing this behavior.

He May Think That Talking Is Too Painful Right Now:  Sometimes, spouses keep a low profile because they think that communication is going to be too painful and too awkward.  They worry that whatever they say will be taken out of context or switched around.  Or they worry that what they say or don’t say will give you the wrong idea.  Often, they know that you are going to ask them how they feel or what their plans are and, in truth, they often don’t really know how they feel and they haven’t finalized any future plans, so they want to avoid discussions all together.

There May Be Some Underlying Resentment:  I know you’ve said that you haven’t fought or anything like that.  But sometimes, there are brewing resentments that may have led to the separation in the first place that have caused him to clam up.  The good news is that sometimes the time and distance of the separation can put things in perspective and make his eventual opening up a bit easier eventually.

How To Respond To And Handle This: I understand that this is painful and tricky.  I tried nearly everything to get my husband to talk to me regularly.  And do you know the only real thing that worked?  Putting a stop to the effort.  I know that sounds crazy.  But it’s true. I actually got frustrated and just stopped.  I had no grand plan at the time. I just had no other words to say because they were all falling on deaf ears.  So I stopped. And I felt that I had no choice but to turn my attention to other areas.  Now, I told my husband that he wouldn’t hear from me because I was going out of town.  I didn’t want him to worry.  But I did stop talking.

As soon as my husband experienced silence for a little while, he eventually started talking.  And he eventually started initiating the conversations.  I am not suggesting that you act like him and refuse to speak.  That would be silly.  But I am telling you that when I stopped pursuing communication with my husband and lived my life, he started pursuing it from me.  Maybe it was because he finally got his space, or he finally got to the place where he was ready to talk, or he was relieved that I was no longer bugging him. I’m not sure and it may have been a combination of all of these things.

But I do know that once I paused the additional conflict of trying to force my conversation on him, things changed dramatically.  It is certainly worth a try.  Because he isn’t willingly talking now anyway. You can read more about his reversal of behavior on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By Leslie Cane: I sometimes speak with wives who are doing everything they can—emotionally, mentally, even physically—to get their husbands to commit to saving their marriage. They’re all in. They believe that if both people would just work together, they could turn things around. And yet, the heartbreaking reality is that their husband just doesn’t seem willing. He’s checked out. He’s distant. And he’s definitely not showing the same level of investment.

Many of these wives are confused and deeply hurt. I hear questions like: “Why won’t he try? Doesn’t he want to save this too? Why am I the only one fighting for us?”

It’s hard. I know. But there are reasons some men resist trying to save the marriage—and they’re not always what they seem. Let’s talk through a few of the more common ones.

Reason #1: He May Already Have Emotionally Moved On: Sometimes, a man distances himself from the marriage because he’s already made a quiet decision to walk away—at least in his mind. And while many wives immediately assume this means there’s someone else, that isn’t always true. Yes, there can be another woman involved. But often, it’s more subtle than that.

He may have emotionally detached little by little over time. And once he feels “done,” he doesn’t want to reopen that door—even if part of him still cares. Why? Because it’s hard for him to live in limbo. He doesn’t like the uncertainty. Reconsidering the marriage feels like emotional whiplash. It drags him back into something he thought he had already settled.

I know this feels incredibly discouraging. Many wives tell me they want to just give up when they realize their husband’s already halfway out the door. But I’ll be honest—I’ve seen that shift. I’ve seen situations where a husband mentally gave up, only to reengage later when the dynamic changed. So please don’t assume it’s hopeless just because it feels that way right now.

Reason #2: “Working” on the Marriage Feels Like a Chore to Him: This one comes up a lot. Wives will tell me: “If he would just work with me, we could save this marriage.” Or, “With a little effort, we could fix this.”

And let me be clear: you’re not wrong. It does take effort. But here’s the tricky part—when you use words like “work on” or “fix” or “save,” what he hears might be something entirely different than what you mean.

He may picture long emotional talks. Blame. Therapy sessions that feel more like interrogations. A spotlight on his shortcomings. To him, that’s not appealing—it’s overwhelming. He’ll resist not because he doesn’t care, but because he doesn’t want to feel like he’s being pulled into something unpleasant and heavy.

So what’s the alternative? Frame things differently. Instead of inviting him to “work on the marriage,” try tapping into what used to light him up. What part of your marriage used to make him feel most alive? What brought him joy? For many men, it’s the physical connection. For others, it’s laughter, lightness, or being able to relax and be himself.

So instead of saying, “Let’s work on this,” try something like, “I miss how close we used to feel. Remember when we used to just curl up on the couch and laugh at the dumbest things? I miss that us. I think we could get back there.”

Do you see the difference? You’re still inviting reconnection, but now you’re speaking his language. You’re creating a mental picture he wants to walk into—not one he’s trying to avoid.

Reason #3: He Doesn’t Think It Will Work—Because It Hasn’t Worked Before: Sometimes, it’s not that he doesn’t want the marriage to be saved. It’s that he doesn’t believe it can be saved. Maybe you’ve already tried counseling. Maybe there have already been promises and plans and changes… that didn’t last.

So now, when you bring it up again, he’s skeptical. In his mind, it’s a rerun of a show he already watched—and didn’t enjoy.

But here’s the good news: you can shift that narrative without needing his full cooperation right away. You can show him change rather than trying to talk him into it.

When things fell apart in my own marriage, I eventually realized that trying to convince my husband to stay wasn’t working. What did work? Making changes within myself. I focused on my tone. My energy. My approach. I took a step back from the pushing and pleading and started creating a more peaceful environment, whether or not he was involved.

And something surprising happened—he noticed. He responded. Not immediately. Not dramatically. But over time, those small shifts began to chip away at his resistance.

Here’s the thing:

Your husband may not seem invested right now. He may be checked out, quiet, or even hostile. But that doesn’t necessarily mean he’s made a final decision. It may just mean he’s scared. Or tired. Or unsure if things can really be different.

That’s where you come in—not to beg, not to convince, but to lead quietly. To gently shift the dynamic. To reconnect with the version of your relationship that used to feel good for both of you.

You have more influence than you think. You don’t need a perfect strategy or an immediate turnaround. You just need to take the next small step.

If you’d like to read the story of how I managed to do just that in my own marriage, you can find it on my blog at: http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many wives are reeling from their husband’s recent assertion that he no longer wants to be married.  The wives often know that they are at a point where they must behave and measure their actions and responses very carefully.  Because quite often, they want to remain married.  And they want to change their husband’s mind.

A wife might explain: “last night, my husband followed me to our bedroom after I put our kids to bed.  He said that he had something important to discuss with me.  He very calmly told me that he had decided that he no longer wanted to be married. He said that our marriage was no longer working for him because he felt stuck, tied down, and unhappy.  He indicated that he wasn’t sure how he was going to proceed or if he was going to file for divorce immediately.  So I asked him why he would tell me this if he didn’t even have a plan.  He said that he just felt that I had the right to know.  And that he wanted to get it off of his chest.  What in the world do I do now?  I have two little girls who need their daddy.  And I still love my husband and want to save my marriage.”

My heart really goes out to wives like this. I know exactly how she felt because I have been there myself.  I was on the same side of this scenario when my own husband told me that he wasn’t sure if he loved me anymore and was leaving.  So, I completely understand the fear and panic that these words can cause.  However, I am still married today.  So my husband’s wishes never came to fruition because I was able to avoid a divorce.  I made many mistakes in the beginning, but I learned quickly.  And I firmly believe that there is a right and a wrong way to respond when you hear words like this.  I will explain what I think are the right things that you should be doing right now in the following article.

Do Not Panic Or Show Your Fear:  It’s truly not uncommon for men to say things like this in anger, in frustration, or in search of some sort of reaction.  I couldn’t tell this wife if her husband was being completely truthful, but I could tell her that it’s not unheard of for husbands to just to throw this phrase out there to see what will happen when they do.  And this is more likely when the man hasn’t taken any action or doesn’t have a plan, as was the case here.  That’s why it’s so important not to panic or to let your fear be in the driver’s seat.  As difficult as remaining calm might be, know that this calm is going to give you the best chance of success and is the strategy that is going to help you to keep this situation from getting out of hand.

Ask Him If He Would Consider An Alternative:  Once you are able to establish a calm and measured response, chose a time when he might be more receptive to you and ask him if he might consider trying something to make the situation better.  Don’t use words like “divorce” or “separation” unless he uses them first.  Instead, offer him alternatives that might help you both become happier in your marriage.  A suggested script might be something like: “I’m sorry that you’re not happy right now.  We both deserve to have the marriage and the life that makes us happy and I would be more than willing to work with you to explore ways that we might both be more content.  I’m not sure what you would be comfortable with, but I’d be happy to go to counseling or even to just work with and listen to you to determine where our marriage is falling short for you.  Our kids deserve a happy household.  I want that more than anything and I’m willing to work endlessly to achieve it.  Would you allow us that opportunity?  If it doesn’t work, you can always reevaluate later.  But I don’t see any harm in trying to save our marriage and our family.  What do you think?”

Know that he may not commit or agree right away. He might ask for some time to think about it and he may even pursue some time away.  But always try to keep this in perspective.  As long as a divorce has not yet been finalized, you are still in the game.  You can still fight for your marriage.  So remain calm and have patience.  Know that sometimes, the time that he is requesting can work in your favor.

Make Sure You Always Approach Him With A Spirit Of Cooperation:   I can not stress how important this is.  Many wives will try to very strongly talk their husband out of this by pointing out where he’s being selfish or is just plain wrong.  You also do not want to assure him that you are happy so you have no idea what his problem is. There could not be a worse approach.  You want for him to know that you are a team and that you are on his side.  If he’s not happy, that means that you are not happy and you want to work with him to make things better.  Always make it clear that you are on his side and that you want to help him.  Because the second you put yourself on opposing sides, that’s when the tide may turn.  You don’t want him to see you as his enemy.  You want for him to see you as his partner who wants to help him if he would just give her the chance.

I will admit that my marriage suffered horribly when I did not understand these concepts.  In fact, we almost divorced until, in one last ditch effort, I completely changed strategies and found one that worked.  If it helps, you can read all about it on out on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I’ve spoken with a good deal of women who are blindsided when their husband asks for a separation. And I mean really blindsided—like their stomach drops out, and their world shifts on its axis. Most of the time, they don’t see it coming. Even when things haven’t been perfect, the word “separation” feels like a thunderclap. And once it’s been said, it can feel like there’s no going back.

One woman recently said to me, “My husband told me he wants a separation. I’m devastated. I don’t want this. I don’t want to make things worse, but I have no idea what to do next.” Another said, “I know he says he needs space, but I’m terrified that if I give him space, he’ll never come back.”

That fear is incredibly common. And honestly? It’s valid. Separation can be scary. It can look like the first step toward divorce, and sometimes—though not always—it is. But what I want to talk about here is what to do next. How you respond in the moments, days, and weeks after he asks for space can truly make a difference. So let’s talk strategy.

Try to Understand What He Really Means When He Says He Wants a Separation: Here’s where a lot of wives get stuck. They can’t stop replaying the moment he asked for a separation, trying to decode what he really meant. Is he easing into divorce? Does he just want freedom? Is there someone else? Or is he genuinely confused and overwhelmed?

Sometimes the truth is muddy. I’ve talked to men who say they just can’t figure things out with their wives under the same roof. The daily friction, the expectations, the tension—it clouds their thinking. So they step back. They believe (right or wrong) that space will give them clarity.

Does that sound vague? Absolutely. It’s maddening. But sometimes, it’s the only explanation they can give. And while it’s tempting to keep picking apart the “why,” it’s usually more productive to shift your focus to the “what now?”

Should You Try to Change His Mind? Or Offer a Middle Ground?: Most women instinctively want to talk him out of it. That makes sense. This is someone you love. You want to hold on. So you lay out all the reasons why the separation won’t help or why it’s unfair. You may tell him he’s misreading things, overreacting, or being selfish.

Here’s the tough part: even if you’re right, this approach often backfires. When someone’s pulling away, pressure tends to make them pull harder. You might unintentionally confirm all the reasons he thinks he needs space.

What sometimes works better? A calm conversation that acknowledges his feelings without completely surrendering your own. You might say something like, “I can see you’re feeling overwhelmed, and I’m willing to give you the space you need. But I’d like us to check in regularly and keep the door open for reconnecting.”

Some women try offering a compromise, like giving him a guest room or even staying elsewhere for a short while. This can work if boundaries are clear and both people are committed to using that time to reflect, not detach.

But be honest with yourself. If you’re going to offer space, can you truly give it without using that time to text, call, or plead with him? If not, that “space” can quickly become just another source of tension.

Don’t Leave Everything Undefined—Make a Plan for How the Separation Will Work: A lot of couples fall into the trap of vague separation. No timelines, no expectations, no communication. Just silence. And that silence? It starts to grow roots. Days turn into weeks, and before long, both people are unsure how to reconnect, so they don’t.

Instead, gently push for some structure. Not rigid rules. Just a few basic understandings. For example:

• How often will you check in?

• Can you plan a regular coffee or walk together?

• Is therapy on the table, either individually or as a couple?

Another tip: avoid turning every meeting into a heavy “let’s fix everything right now” talk. That puts pressure on both of you. Instead, aim to rebuild the emotional connection in small, natural ways. If each interaction feels positive, safe, and even a little bit hopeful, it becomes easier for both people to imagine a future together again.

Focus on Connection Before Trying To Fix Everything: In the early stages of a separation, it’s tempting to dive into every issue—communication, intimacy, resentment, finances. But the truth is, no one wants to tackle a checklist of problems when their heart is already hurting.

Instead, focus on connection. Make your conversations feel good. Be warm. Be open. Be kind. Let him remember why he loved you in the first place, without reminding him of the pressure or pain that made him want distance.

The problems can be worked through, but not before the foundation is steady again. Connection first. Correction later.

I Got It Very Wrong Before I Got It Right: When my own husband asked for a separation, I panicked. I begged. I argued. I went into full-blown fear mode. And you know what that did? It made things worse. He pulled further away. I could see the door closing, and I felt powerless to stop it.

But then something shifted. I realized I was reacting from fear, not love. I took a deep breath, stopped chasing, and started listening. I focused on making each interaction feel safe, light, and open. I let go of the pressure to fix everything overnight.

It wasn’t easy. But it worked. He started coming back—emotionally first, then physically. We found our way back to one another, one honest, hopeful step at a time.

If you’re in the middle of something similar, you’re not alone. I’ve written more about what worked for me to save my marriage (and what didn’t) on my blog: http://isavedmymarriage.com

A separation doesn’t always mean the end. Sometimes, it’s the beginning of a different kind of conversation. One that’s quieter. More thoughtful. Less about proving a point and more about finding your way back to love.

No one has all the answers—not even your husband right now. But how you respond in this moment matters. So take a breath. Step back. And know that calm, loving strength often speaks louder than panic ever could.

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By: Leslie Cane: When my husband told me he wasn’t in love with me anymore, I don’t think I could’ve prepared myself, even if I’d seen it coming. But the truth is, I hadn’t seen it coming. Not like that. Not in those exact words.

We were sitting on the edge of the couch. I had just asked him—half out of habit, half out of hope—if everything was okay between us. His answer came too quickly. Too easily. And it split my world right down the middle.

He said he cared about me, of course. He said he didn’t want to hurt me. But then came that awful, unforgettable sentence:

“I’m just not in love with you anymore.”

I didn’t cry. Not right away. I didn’t scream or accuse or try to change his mind. I just froze—like someone had hit a pause button I didn’t know existed. And then I did the only thing I could do in that moment.

I got quiet.

And I have to be honest. There was a period of time when I acted in a way that I find embarrassing now. I begged, I pleaded, I borderline stalked. But it became pretty obvious pretty fast that these things were pushing him away. So I found some resources that helped me formulate a plan to do a 180. And that eventually worked.

What I Wanted to Keep Doing (And Why I Didn’t): If you’d asked me days or weeks earlier how I might respond to news like that, I would’ve said I’d fight. I would’ve promised to change. I would’ve reminded him of everything we’ve built. I would have stalked him out at his new place.

But when you’re dealing with someone you love, someone whose face you still recognize but whose feelings suddenly seem like a stranger’s, everything changes. You start to realize that logic doesn’t always apply to matters of the heart. That love—at least the kind you want back—can’t be forced, even if it used to be mutual.

So I didn’t beg anymore. I didn’t follow him trying to fix things on the spot. I gave him space. Even when it felt like space might be the very thing that made him slip further away.

I Looked Inward First: Some nights, I lay awake replaying the months (maybe even years) that had led to this. I didn’t just look at what he had done or hadn’t done. I looked at myself, too. Had I stopped reaching out emotionally? Had I become more of a logistical partner than a romantic one? Had I stopped seeing him the way I wanted him to see me?

That’s not to say I blamed myself. I didn’t. And I still don’t. But I did want to understand what had gone numb—and whether there was any part of it I could begin to warm back to life.

Because here’s what I believe: sometimes when someone says “I’m not in love with you,” what they mean is that the feeling of love has faded. And feelings, by nature, are changeable.

I Stopped Trying To Convince Him—But I Did Stay Close: One of the hardest things I’ve ever done was to not try and prove my worth to him. I didn’t launch into heartfelt monologues about the life we shared.

Instead, I focused on calm. On consistency. On being someone safe to be around, even when things felt deeply unsafe to me.

I also didn’t shut him out. I didn’t go cold or turn our home into a war zone. I acted as though we were still partners—because in some way, I believed we still were. Even if he didn’t feel love in the moment, I knew that feelings could shift when pressure is taken off and connection is slowly rebuilt.

I Focused On Reconnection—Not Reaction: When your partner drops something like that into your lap, it’s so tempting to respond emotionally. You want to cry, scream, demand answers. But I knew that no one feels drawn to a person who’s falling apart every time they speak.

So instead of reacting, I started looking for small, low-pressure ways to reconnect. Not with romantic dinners or grand gestures (he wouldn’t have accepted my invite anyway.) But with presence (when he let me.) With genuine conversation. With moments that made us feel like us again—if only for a second. (And I didn’t get many of these initially because he didn’t always trust in my behavior.)

And I gave myself permission to hope. Quietly.

I Worked on Myself—Without Making It About Him: This part surprised even me: the more I stopped focusing on what he wasn’t giving me, and the more I started focusing on how I felt about myself, the more things subtly shifted.

I started reading again. I joined a walking group. (I found some resources that I actually recommend now—one had scripts and insights that helped me communicate better when I did talk to him.)

The stronger and more grounded I felt in myself, the more naturally attractive I became again, not just physically, but emotionally. I wasn’t trying to “win” him back. I was trying to find myself again.

And it turns out, that was what he started to notice.

What Happened Next (And What I Learned): It didn’t happen overnight. And I won’t pretend it was a perfect journey. There were setbacks. There were quiet dinners and awkward silences. There were moments when I wondered if I was fooling myself.

But little by little, he softened.

He started asking about my day again. One day he said, “I don’t know what’s changing, but I feel something different. You seem… lighter.”

And I knew he was starting to see me again. Not just the woman he thought he had outgrown, but the woman he chose years ago—the one who hadn’t disappeared, just dimmed.

If You’re Where I Was: If you’re sitting in that same space I once was—the one where someone you love looks at you and says they’re not in love anymore—please know this:

It doesn’t mean it’s over. It doesn’t mean you’ve failed. And it definitely doesn’t mean you have to fall apart.

Sometimes, it’s a turning point. Not the end.

And while you can’t force someone to feel something they don’t, you can gently shift the energy between you. You can change the story you’re telling with your actions, your words, your quiet strength.

Because sometimes, the heart forgets what it once felt. But with time, patience, and the right kind of presence… it remembers.

If you’d like to read about exactly how I saved my marriage when my husband definitely didn’t love me anymore, had moved out, and felt that we were basically separated, I share that story at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from spouses (usually wives) who are wondering or want to know if their marriage is “too far gone.”  Often, they want to save that same marriage but they just aren’t sure if it’s possible.  They know things are quickly deteriorating and they aren’t sure if they want to put in all of the work and effort to save the marriage if the marriage is so damaged that this is just not going to be possible.

I often hear comments like “how do I know if my marriage is too far gone to actually save it?”  We’ve been having problems for a long time now and things are awful between us.  We’re nasty to each other.  He’s distant, critical, and sarcastic.  We never have sex anymore.  It’s like we don’t even like each other – much less love each other.  How do you know when a marriage is so far gone that there’s just no coming back?”

Obviously, this call is going to be different for each couple.  It’s going to depend on how determined you are to save your marriage and how much this really means to you.  Because saving a marriage that has been damaged over a long period of time or is so damaged that it’s obvious and painful to both people takes a little work and care.  However, I know for a fact that it can be done because I myself have done it.

In the following article, I will suggest some things you may want to consider if you’re trying to determine if your marriage is just too far gone to save.

Have Either Of You Just Shut Down?: Sometimes,  people will contact me and tell me that they have constant fights with their spouse and nasty words and exchanges take place. They take this to mean that things have really deteriorated passed the point of no return.

They are often surprised when I’m not overly alarmed by this.  The reason that these sorts of things don’t overly concern me is because fighting or even having lots of conflict in your marriage at least shows that you still care enough to have deep emotions about it.

Yes, these emotions might still be coming out in negative ways. But if either of you are still angry, frustrated or downright tired of it, at least you care enough that the emotions are still coming out.  I’m usually more worried when people tell me that things are cordial but cold because they or their spouse don’t seem to care one way or another.

In other words, they or their spouse has become indifferent because they’ve just checked out.  If there’s no emotions anymore, that means there’s more work you will have to do.  Saving a marriage when one spouse is indifferent is by no means impossible, but it’s more difficult, though it can be done.

Is There No Common Ground Anymore?  I often tell people to try to find some common ground when they are trying to save their marriages – even if the only common ground is that they agree the marriage is in trouble and they want to do something about it.  Or it could be your children.  It could be anything on which you share something and are therefore invested in the marriage.

But when marriages are supposedly too damaged to save, this element is missing.  The individuals with in start to see themselves as just that – individuals.  They no longer have the “we” or “us” mentality – they have the “I” or “me” mentality.

That’s not to say that you can’t return to the us mentality.  But it makes saving your marriage more difficult and means that you’ll have to go through more steps.

Do You Not Believe That You Can Save Your Marriage?  Do You Believe In Your Heart That It’s Too Far Gone?: Here’s what I think.  When people ask me if it’s too late for their marriage, they’re hoping I will tell them that it’s not.  Because if they knew deep down in their heart that the marriage was over and had passed the point of no return, they would likely not be asking me.

So the fact that you are reading this article tells me that you hope (or don’t believe) that your marriage is too far gone but perhaps you don’t have the tools or the cooperation from your spouse to save it.

I know that it’s difficult to have these types of doubts.  But the fact that you have the doubts makes me suspect that you are still very invested in your marriage.  If this is true, then in my opinion that your marriage is not too far gone.  Yes, you may have some work to do.  Yes, you may have to do a few things to get your spouse on board. But frankly, I think a marriage is only past the point of no return when you give up on it.

I know that may seem easy for me to say since I’m still married.  But we had some really dark days and he had actually filed for and wanted a divorce.  So if I had just thrown up my hands and declared my marriage too far gone, I’d be single today (and I’m glad I’m not.)  Our marriage is actually stronger than ever, but this took some doing.  You can read more about how I saved my marriage (mostly by myself) on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  One of the most common questions that I get or am asked on my “save my marriage blog” is what are the signs of a husband who wants a divorce.  I’m rarely asked for signs indicating the opposite.   But, sometimes wives do notice positive changes in their husband’s attitude or stance on the separation or divorce and they’ll ask me how a husband might act when he’s decided that he wants to work things out and save your marriage.  It’s important to recognize these signs, because when your husband’s attitude shifts, so should yours.  If he’s becoming more receptive to working things out, then you’ll want to place your focus on improving your marriage rather than on changing his mind.  So, in the following article, I’ll offer some signs to look for that might indicate that your husband wants to work things out and save your marriage.

He’s Being Attentive And Involved Again: One of the first signs that your husband has checked out of the marriage or might want a separation or divorce is that he will often distance himself from you or your family.  He might not even realize (or will acknowledge) that he’s doing this, but creating distance is often the first step toward going his own way.  If he’s considering leaving or wants out, you might notice that he’s simply not around as much or, when he is, his mind is a million miles away.

However, if he’s decided that he now wants to work things out, the opposite will be true.  You’ll see him making a noticeable attempt to be present both literally, physically, and emotionally.

He’s Showing You Genuine Emotional And Physical Affection: Husbands who want separations or divorces will generally withdraw their affection.  Sometimes, in the beginning stages of a marriage’s decline, you’ll see a little more affection as the husband is attempting to reignite the spark or see if “anything is still there” between you.  But generally speaking, once he begins to distance himself from you and the marriage, you’ll start to see much less physical affection and emotional support.

However, once he decides that he’s committed to working things out, you should see a noticeable (and genuine) difference in the affection that he shows you.  There should be more spontaneous hugs, hand holding, kissing, sex, etc.  Because when one spouse thinks favorably about the other spouse (as well as about the marriage,) physical affection is the natural outcome of those feelings.  If the feelings don’t exist, then the levels of affection will be reflective of this.

He Continues Or Begins To Talk About Your Marital Future: When a man wants a separation or divorce, you generally won’t often hear him discuss your marriage very far into the future.  What is the point of talking about investments , your hopes, your dreams, and your future plans if he doesn’t intend to stick around to see them come to light.  If your husband is suddenly talking about having children, making investments, buying a house, or taking future vacations, then these things are a good sign.

He’s More Willing To Discuss His Feelings And Reservations If This Will Help Your Marriage Become Stronger: It’s no secret that many husbands cringe when their wives ask them to “work” with them on saving the marriage.  And, a man who knows that deep in his heart that he wants a separation or divorce is usually especially resistant to anything that would save the marriage.  But, if the tide is turning and he truly wants to work things out, you’ll often see him put his reluctance or discomfort aside in order to do what’s best for the marriage.

This is generally when you’ll see him agree to counseling or respond to your requests that he share any concerns or issues with you so that you can both work through them. You should see an openness and willingness to be honest, even if he’s uncomfortable discussing his feelings (as many men are.)

He Tells You That He Wants To Save The Marriage In A Genuine And Believable Way And Then Follows These Assertions With Actions And Behaviors That Match His Words: It’s not at all uncommon for me to hear from wives whose husband is insisting that he wants to work things out and to save the marriage, but his actions are not corresponding with his words.  In other words, many husbands will insist that they want to save their marriages, but they continue to distance themselves from their wives.  Sometimes, a man will tell you what he thinks you want to hear and then go right out and act contrary to what he has said.

That’s why you’re looking for genuine and heart felt words that are followed by the actions that back them up.  You want to hear the words, but you also want to see and feel the affection, the effort, and the changes that are taking place.

If I’m Not Seeing These Signs, Does This Mean That My Husband Doesn’t Want To Work Things Out?: Not necessarily.  Often, when I share these signs with wives, I’ll be meant with some anxiety.  Many wives will say that they’ve seen one or two of these signs but certainly not all of them.  They worry that this means that their husband doesn’t truly want to save the marriage.  This isn’t always the case.  Like us, men can have some doubts and fears and might be taking a “wait and see” attitude.  They might want to save their marriage, but aren’t sure if it’s going to be possible.  Or they may really want to work things out, but they don’t like feeling so vulnerable when they’re stepping outside of their comfort zone by focusing on their feelings.

The point is, if you’re seeing all of these signs (or even not many of them,) embrace the positive signals that you are seeing and then continue to work on your marriage with an upbeat and positive attitude that is often infectious. I firmly believe that it’s possible to save your marriage when your husband still has doubts or isn’t fully cooperating, especially in the early stages of the process.  It’s a little more involved than if you have his full cooperation, but it’s certainly possible.  And even wives who see all of these signs still have work to do.  Merely having two people who are willing to save the marriage doesn’t mean that it’s automatically going to be saved.  It takes work, some skill, some luck, and a very workable plan that’s eventually carried out by both people.

Unfortunately for me, I didn’t see many of these signs in my own marriage.  My own husband was very reluctant to work things out with me. Trying to convince and strong arm him to change his mind back fired on me in a big way. Luckily, I decided to show him my sincerity and love for him with my genuine actions rather than my words. And it worked. You can read more of that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/ . Also, if you’re having trouble transitioning from wanting to save your marriage to actually having it happen, there’s some good free resources on the side of this blog.

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By: Leslie Cane:  I sometimes hear from wives who are disappointed to observe that their husband actually seems happier with life once their marital separation has begun.  Many of them hoped or assumed that both of them would be miserable without one another and, as a result, the husband would come home sooner rather than later.  But sometimes, the opposite happens and when it does, it can be quite frustrating.  I heard from our wife who said “my husband actually seems giddy since we separated.   Every time I talk to him, he sounds happy and settled.  He laughs and makes light of the whole situation like this is a big joke.  He talks as if he is having this great new adventure and it nearly breaks my heart.  If he’s as happy as he seems, does this mean that he’s going to want a divorce?  Does this mean that he’s happier without me than with me?”  I’ll try to address these concerns in the following article.

His Initial Happiness Is Not Always An Indication That Your Marriage Is Over:  There’s no denying that the initial days after a separation begins can provide a sense of relief.  Often, tensions have been running so high in the days leading up to one of you leaving (even temporarily) that when this finally happens, it can be like the worst is over and you can let out a small sigh of relief.   So sometimes, his happiness is a direct result of this.  And in these cases, the “newness” of his feelings of relief and freedom will often give way to loneliness eventually.  Of course, every person and situation is different.  But once the novelty wears off, this new found quiet will often just seem boring and isolating.  And this is when you will often begin to see a change in his attitude.  But until that happens, you need to figure out how you are going to react in the meantime.  This leads me to my next point.

How To Act When Your Husband Seems To Be Happy During The Separation:  I know that it’s very tempting to want to bring him down or rain on his parade.  After all, it’s very upsetting to see him so happy while you are so miserable.   But consider this.   You can’t possibly know what he is actually feeling inside or what he might feel in the future.  And if you confront him or ask why in the world he is so happy, he’s likely to become defensive or just want to avoid you.  So, in my experience and opinion, your best bet is to try to fight fire with fire and be as upbeat as you possibly can.  Try to focus on creating more happiness in your own life so that when you do interact, it’s not obvious that one of you is happy and adjusting and one of you is not.  It will help your cause if you can try to portray yourself as someone who is coping and who is as content as can be reasonably expected.

Understand Your Real Goal:  Some wives in this situation think that their goal is to wipe the smile off of their husband’s face or to make him think that they too are happier separated.  I would argue that these aren’t the best goals to have.  Instead, you want to be happy and upbeat so that you are increasing the chances that eventually, you can be happy together.   You don’t want a situation where the both of you are appearing to be happy alone.  You want a situation where you are able to get together regularly and be happy together.  The goal is that things go so well, that you want to see each other on a regular basis and eventually, you want to be together all of the time so that this will motivate your husband to move back home.

To the extent you can, combine your own plans for happiness with his.  Suggest that the two of you get together on a relatively regular basis and try not to question your husband so much about his emotions that you sound accusatory.  You want to portray confidence that his happiness doesn’t mean that he’s moved on since you are meant to be together and work things out.  You don’t want to give off the impression that your are threatened by his happiness.  Instead, you want him to think that since you love him and strive to have a healthy marriage, his happiness is your happiness.

I know that the uncertainty of a separation can cause a great deal of stress, but understand that things aren’t always what they seem and you truly don’t know what the future holds.  You don’t want to create a situation where the two of you are on opposing sides or where your husband thinks he can’t show his true feelings around you.

My husband did seem really happy right after he moved out and this broke my heart.  In fact, his happiness threatened me so much that I reacted very badly and made my situation worse because my husband didn’t want to be around me.  It took my awhile to undo the damage.  We did eventually save our marriage but it took a lot of planning and strategy on my part.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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