Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many people are surprised when they start having sex with their separated spouse. They’d assumed that sex would be off-limits or that it would be forced, awkward and bad.

They may be pleasantly surprised to find that the sex is not only a bit more frequent, but it’s good. 

One of the spouses might say, “My husband and I have been separated for a couple of months. Before he moved out, we barely had sex. And when we did, it wasn’t good sex. It was mechanical, robotic, and not very exciting. 

One night after we’d separated, we’d been drinking, and we ended up having sex, and it was some of the best sex we’d had in years. After that, we started having sex relatively regularly, and it’s always much better than the sex we had right before we separated. It makes me wonder if the separation was a mistake, which I’ve thought of all along. My husband was the one who wanted to separate. And I think that the good sex we’ve been having just proves that we should still be together. I want to try again as soon as possible, but my girlfriends caution me that I shouldn’t try to push my husband too hard since things are going a little better than expected with the sex.”

I have to say that I agree with your girlfriends somewhat. I know that having good sex right now feels reassuring. You know that he still finds you attractive and is willing to be with you in an intimate way, and that undoubtedly feels good. But that good feeling isn’t the only thing to consider. It helps to think about why it’s happening and what it could lead to.

Why a Couple Might Have Great Sex While Separated:  I think one of the main reasons couples have explosive sex while separated is that emotions and libidos can be running high. When you may be heading toward an extended separation or divorce, you may become aware that you may never have sex with this person again, and that can make them more alluring. 

You also may be missing that person, and the absence of them can feel like an ache. So when you have a chance to erase that ache, of course, you are going to take it.

Additionally, some couples would truly like to reconcile one day in the future, and being intimate with one another is one way to test the waters toward reconciliation. If it feels right, then that may be a good indicator that at least there is hope and promise.

And it is a good indicator that the two of you still have chemistry and passion. You need that for an ideal marriage. But, as you likely already know, this isn’t all you need.

Using Sex as a Stepping Stone:  I don’t want to insinuate that sex isn’t a positive development. If you both feel good about it and want it to continue, I don’t see one bit of harm in it. However, having sex is addressing one issue in your marriage. But not any of the others that may have led to the separation. And it’s very common for there to be multiple issues.

Granted, I believe the sex actually makes it easier to address your other issues. Because as you restore intimacy, you are more receptive to one another and you’re more willing to cooperate to come to a resolution. But you should do the work to come to a resolution. If you just brush your problems under the rug, they are only going to come back. Or en intensify.

But at least now you have some inspiration and a reason to be hopeful. You have access to your husband – which means you should have the ability to talk through and address your issues when your relationship is ready to do so. 

That’s not nothing. That’s a large advantage that many separated wives do not have. It doesn’t mean that you don’t have to do the work. But it does mean that you have an “in” for the work. And the work may be easier because he may be more receptive to working with you. 

Wanting to Get Back Together:  If you’ve always hoped for reconciliation or even just decided that you want one recently, I see absolutely no reason to change your mind. The intimacy that you are developing now can certainly help to solidify that decision.

But just having sex with one another doesn’t mean that you’re back together unless you both agree that you are and you also both agree to put the work on your marriage aside.

Most of the time, sex doesn’t mean reconciliation. It’s a promising development, and it offers reassurance that the spark is still there. It certainly helps you suspect that getting back together isn’t out of the question. But it’s not all that is necessary.

However, it can serve as inspiration to keep right on going. It is progress that may help lead you to more progress. I would keep doing what you’re doing as long as both people want to and then slowly incorporate working on your issues very gradually as your relationship can withstand it.

You don’t want to address so many issues that it takes the joy out of the time you are spending together. But you can’t afford to ignore the issues, either. So you can just go gradually, little by little – until before you know it, you’re not only connecting sexually, you are also connecting emotionally.

I would have loved to have sex with my husband early on in our separation.  But that wasn’t my reality.  He wasn’t receptive.  I had to do a great deal of work on my own before he was ready to work with me.  You can read more about how I did it and how we eventually reconciled at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: It’s probably not a surprise to anyone that emotions run high during a marital separation. It can be quite an adjustment for both spouses, and therefore, people can be unsure as to how they feel or what they want.

But that doesn’t mean that some people aren’t still invested in saving their marriage. Oftentimes, one spouse is really hoping to reconcile, while the other just isn’t sure or is open about the fact that they no longer feel the same romantic feelings. Not surprisingly, the spouse who wants to reconcile can be devastated by this change. 

She might say, “Honestly, I’ve had to force my husband to spend time with me during our trial separation. I admit that I am needy. But I’m so scared that we are going to end up divorced. So yes, I want a lot of reassurance. Today when I was with my husband, he was very cold. So I tried to get him to connect with me, and I guess I annoyed him with this one too many times because he blurted out, ‘I don’t even know if I love you anymore.’ So I replied, ‘Not at all?’ And he basically said he doesn’t know what he feels anymore. But he knows his feelings aren’t what they should be. I don’t know what to do with this. It’s like my worst fear is happening. I had hoped that he would realize that he loves me after all since he is away from me. But it seems the opposite has happened. And I don’t know how to make him love me anymore since he never wants to see me. I am starting to fear that all my hopes for us are just pipe dreams that I made up in my own mind because it is what I wanted, but it is definitely not what he wanted, and I’m devastated.”

I understand how bad this must feel. Although my husband never bluntly told me he didn’t love me when we were separated, his actions did the talking for him. There were long periods when he seemed to want absolutely nothing to do with me. And when I made the mistake of coming on too strong to try to nudge him to pay attention to me or give me any encouragement at all, he became angry and it only made things worse. So I understand how your husband’s behavior can feel like a rejection and how badly that can sting.

Things Can and Do Change. And People Can Be Mistaken:  Although I understand the pain of this, I also know something else. People say things that they think are true that aren’t necessarily true. Or, sometimes they say things that, while true at the time, also change in time.  

Frankly, my husband may have fallen out of love with me and not felt much for me during our separation, but he loves me now. Things changed. We made progress and therefore, his feelings evolved or he remembered how he felt all along. I’m not exactly sure how it happened because they were his feelings. But he went from avoiding me every chance he got to moving back home and recommitting to our marriage. So yes, I certainly believe that a separated husband’s feelings can change as things improve in your separation.

See the Opportunities. Not the Setbacks: Don’t give up. I know it is easy to become discouraged, but don’t allow this to make you panic or become overly desperate so that you make the same mistakes I did and make it worse. Try to tell yourself that this is early in the process. You still have time to gradually try different things to see if you can make some improvements.

You can also implement changes on your own so that when he does come around, you’ll be a stronger, better version of yourself. People often doubt that things you can do by yourself will make much difference, but they can. Because I had so much time to spend on my own, I took inventory of where I contributed to the souring of our marriage. There was plenty of blame to go around, but I was ready to own up to my fair share and then I tackled the issues that I could control.

Of course, there were plenty of things we needed to tackle together, but that had to be put on hold until my husband was willing. So while I was waiting, it finally occurred to me that there was plenty I could do on my own. And my efforts did make a difference.

It may help to focus on yourself right now and give your husband time. If you are constantly underfoot, he won’t have the time to miss you or realize the weight of your absence. Sometimes, it is wise to let him call you or at least let him wonder why you are taking a break from calling him. 

Don’t Let Uncertainty Become an Inciting Issue: I know that when you are separated, sometimes the last thing you want to do is to give it time. I know that what we all want is a quick resolution and the relief of knowing that we are going to stay married and aren’t going to get divorced.  

But what we have to understand is that the person who initiated the separation often isn’t sure of their feelings. So they’re going to take the time they need to evaluate. They’re likely in no hurry because they want to make sure they get it right. Trying to rush them will likely only make the process take longer. 

I know this is hard, and I know that living with uncertainty is very stressful. But unfortunately, you can’t make someone else do something. You can only create an environment that eventually encourages them to do something. And that is not impossible to do when you take it one step at a time and work methodically. But to work like that, you have to be focused and not panicked.

I know that’s easier said than done.  But when I was able to do this, things changed in my separation.  A shift happened in my husband.  And that was the beginning of him coming back.  You can read more at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: The economy isn’t great for most people right now. Inflation is up. Food prices are through the roof, and the cost of housing is at an all-time high in many places. Plenty of couples are struggling to support one shared home.

The current financial situation can pose challenges to couples who might otherwise split their households and pursue a separation or divorce. With the cost of living so high, it can seem impossible to support two households right now.  

And this can actually be good news for you if you want to save your marriage. But it can be bad news for the spouse who has one foot out the door. For example, if a wife wants to stay married, and the husband wants to separate, he can be very vocal about the financial reasons that are forcing him to stay.

A wife might say, “Our marriage has been struggling for several months. There have been brief periods where it seemed like things might have been better in our marriage, but they never lasted for long. It’s become increasingly obvious that he really, really wants out. I’ve tried to be more accommodating to change his mind about us, but it hasn’t really helped. The other night, we got into an argument, and I blurted out that I knew he was looking to leave, and he told me that he certainly did want to leave but he’s stuck because it’s too expensive to get an apartment, and we can’t afford to live separately.” 

“He then went on to list how much groceries cost, how much apartments cost, how much we pay for cars and insurance, and various other bills. As though I don’t know all of those things. I am the one who does the grocery shopping. He acted as if he is being held prisoner in an awful place because we don’t make enough money for the luxury of not living together anymore. This hurt me deeply. I wish I made more money. But not so he could leave me. And it hurts to think that he’s here when he’d rather be anywhere else. If he were to get a raise, I know he’d be out of here. He’s just with me by default. And he’s likely biding his time until he can afford to be rid of me. I don’t know how I’m supposed to live with this news.”

Try to See the Advantage You Have: I’m sorry that this is happening to you. I know that it is painful and not the trajectory you want your marriage to take. But I have to be honest. There are some advantages here. If you’re going to be separated or facing separation, it is better to still have access to your husband. Once he actually moves out, he can do what he wants. He never has to talk to or see you. So you’re free to drift apart, he’s free to see other people, and you could face divorce before you know it.

This doesn’t always happen, of course. Sometimes, the space actually works for people. Or the wife comes up with a strategy that turns things around. My husband did move out when we separated, but we did eventually reconcile. Still, there were many challenges along the way. If I’d had access to my husband, the reconciliation process may have been more smooth and quick.

Given the choice between the two, I think it’s advantageous to still live under the same roof for many reasons. There is much less risk.

Determining What is Most Needed:  Although your husband is still there under your roof, he may not always be invested or attentive. It may help to take inventory and ask yourself what would most soothe this situation. In cases where you are fighting or there is tension, it may help to give each other a bit of space.

When you give space, you’re still living together, but you’re respecting boundaries and allowing your spouse to have that time and space that he may have hoped that moving out would give him. That way, he may come to realize that the grass isn’t greener in his own place. He’s getting some time without needing to take on the expense of another home to support.

Take Away the Tension: Another suggestion is to try to take away as much tension as you can. During times of marital strife, no one is having any fun. Both people are walking on eggshells, so your home starts to feel like an adversarial, tense place where no one wants to be.

But what would happen if you could change this? What would it mean if you could lighten up a little? What if you could laugh a few times per day? What if, over time, you could make things more light-hearted in your home so that the two of you could one day have a conversation that isn’t filled with tension and awkwardness? What if you could restore the ease between you?

Control Your Part: What if you could take an honest look at where you’re contributing to the issues in your marriage and you could remove those things to change the entire dynamic between you? I’m not in any way saying that any of this is your fault or that you’re the only one responsible for fixing your marriage.

But I am saying, from experience, that sometimes it makes sense to take charge and to change the things over which you have some control. Your husband likely isn’t going to let you change him right now. He’s also not likely to listen to your suggestions about what he needs to change.

But you can certainly take inventory of what you yourself can change. You can certainly start with yourself. You would be surprised at how impactful this can be. Sometimes, when your husband sees you taking the initiative, he will begin to be a little more receptive to working with you. He’ll see that you’re less interested in continuing to maintain the unsatisfying status quo and you’re motivated to make things more satisfying for the both of you. And that can mean a lot and be the first step toward real change and improvement.

You never know what the first step is truly going to be.  Mine came at the last time I expected it.  But because I never gave up, it DID come.  You can read the whole story at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: It’s always a huge plus when separated parents give their kids unlimited access to both parents during a separation. Being able to spend adequate time with both parents can make the transition a bit easier and can be reassuring for kids. Therefore, most separated wives are very relieved when their husband comes around regularly for the sake of the kids.

However, she can also have very hurt feelings when it is clear that he is coming only for the kids and that he has no interest in spending any time with her.

She might say, “I know I’m being a bit silly and petty, and I don’t want to be. But I’m so hurt at how my separated husband is acting when he comes over. And it’s selfish because he’s honestly being the great father my children deserve. But I had so hoped that we would be making some progress on our marriage by now. I still love him. I want to see him smile when he sees me, at least. He’s definitely smiling when he comes over here. But it is not for me. It is because he’s able to see his kids after not seeing them as much, which is understandable. He lights up when he sees them, and he’s relaxed and happy here. But he absolutely goes out of his way not to interact with me. He sort of looks at me like he thinks I should leave and give him alone time with the kids. But I don’t. I want to see him as much as he wants to see the kids. I try to be respectful. I don’t impede on or interrupt his time. But I wish he’d have even the slightest interest in interacting with me, and he doesn’t. Will this ever change? Or is he just establishing that he’s not in any way interested?”

Of course it can change. My husband showed absolutely no interest in me at the beginning of our separation, and I’m still married. Things can evolve during a separation, certainly. Right now, things are new and volatile. It can be normal that you aren’t seeing all the right signs yet. 

He May Want to Reassure His Children That They are His Top Priority:  It can be very hard for one parent to suddenly have to live under a different roof than their children. And that same parent can worry that the kids are feeling the same kind of difficulties. So his top priority might be making the kids feel loved and secure. And he may feel that he can tackle your relationship in the future. I understand that it doesn’t feel great when you feel like the last priority, but he may feel that the kids are less likely to understand what is happening than you are.

Don’t Delay Progress by Pushing: I know you might want to nudge him to pay attention to you and your relationship. It’s painful to feel ignored. It’s confusing as to why he’s not prioritizing you. But be very careful. Believe it or not, you do have an advantage. Your separated husband is very willingly coming over to your home. He’s relaxed and enjoying himself while he is there. That is huge. Sure, he’s enjoying himself because of the kids, but that’s at least something.

I hear from many people whose separated husband won’t even be in the same room with them. You can build on this comfort eventually. You don’t want to jeopardize that by making him feel awkward. You don’t want to jeopardize what he’s doing with his kids.

How to Gradually Encourage More Contact With You:  Right now, I would suggest allowing things to continue as they are for a while. This is somewhat new, so there is going to be an adjustment period, and he likely needs time to see that his kids are okay. 

Just try to encourage more comfort with you in the same room, participating in the same conversations, and interacting together as a family. Once that is comfortable and you are no longer getting the vibe that he doesn’t want you there, then perhaps you can ask him to have coffee when the kids are in school and it is just the two of you.

If he refuses, back up again. Keep things casual and make sure that he is still comfortable coming to your home. While you are waiting for things to change, work on your own needs and goals. He is not the only one who is having to adjust to a new way of life. So are you. Give yourself time and be gentle with yourself.

Self-Evolution: When I look back at my own separation, I realize that I’m not the same person I was then. As weird as it is to say now, some parts of the separation caused positive changes. It wasn’t easy. There were times when I felt like it was the worst thing that ever happened to me. I was sure I was going to be divorced. I got depressed. I had to force myself to prioritize myself, to surround myself with positive people, and to remember that there were other important things going on in my life. 

But once I got myself together, I made some very positive – and needed – changes. Yes, I admit that I only made some of them because I knew I needed to for the sake of my marriage. But now that time has passed, I can see that the changes benefitted me as well. 

Be open to these types of changes, since you have some spare time anyway. Try to see this as an opportunity for improvement instead of a punishment. You do have some advantages that other separated wives do not have. So work hard not to jeopardize that while building slowly so that eventually, your separated husband is happy to see both you and the kids. 

I wish I could tell you that I took the right path during my own separation.  I did not.  I pushed, made a pest of myself, and almost jeopardized any chance at a reconciliation.  I’d be very happy if I could help others not make the same mistakes.  You can read about how I turned it around at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Most people expect that their marital separation will take some adjustment. There will likely be times when you are unsure, scared, and discouraged. That is to be expected. But not everyone expects seemingly everything to go wrong. Some people have so many unfortunate events during their separation that it begins to feel as if you can literally do nothing right in your spouse’s eyes.

A wife might say, “Honestly, I was very down on life and on myself as my marriage started to sour. I felt like a bit of a failure and that feeling only intensified as it became obvious that we were going to separate. I tried to go into the separation with a good attitude. I tried to tell myself that if I was upbeat about it, I had a better chance of a good outcome. But everything that I do is wrong. Every time I approach my husband, he acts as if my behavior is offensive. So then I will try to change tactics, but it doesn’t matter. It’s like he’s going to be resistant to me no matter what I do. This has depressed me more than I can express. And it has bled into other areas of my life. It has affected my self-confidence so I don’t do my job as well. I bail out on my friends. I’ve even scaled back on the time I spend with my mom. I feel like even my pets look at me with disappointment on their faces. I feel like I’m no longer competent. And I know this affects how I approach my husband and could potentially make things worse. But I can’t seem to help it. “

Don’t Blame Yourself: I understand the feeling. I had some of the same experiences. You want so badly to do the right thing at the right time. But please don’t be so hard on yourself. There is no perfect manual out there to tell you how you should behave during a separation. Such a thing would be impossible because everyone is different. What works wonderfully for one wife might be a complete disaster for another. Because every husband, and every separation, are also different.

All you can do is do the best you can. When one tactic doesn’t work, there is another. Unfortunately, though, we often can’t see that option, which leads me to my next point.

Don’t Make the Mistake of Thinking You’re Too Late:  When it feels as if everything is going wrong, it’s very easy to panic. You start to believe that nothing can right this train and that you are unavoidably headed for disaster.

This can cause a couple of reactions. Sometimes you will just freeze. You’re so scared of making a mistake that you just stop living your life or making any attempts at improving things because you’re scared that you will keep getting bad results.

The other possibility is that you will try over-the-top methods in an attempt to rein this in as soon as possible. You’ll think that you’re running out of time and you have to do something drastic right away. So you’ll keep ramping up your behavior to try to get something to change. And you run the risk of making it worse and turning your husband off even more.

Both of these responses can be troublesome because they either dig a deeper hole or they paralyze you. 

Taking a More Moderate Approach:  If your husband is not receptive to you right now, there is nothing wrong with taking a pause and taking care of yourself. You very likely need some care too. And frankly, if you don’t give it to yourself, no one else is going to right now. The good news is that self-care and self-improvement are never a waste. When your husband decides he wants to come back to the table, he will come back to a stronger, better, version of you.

There is no reason to put your life on hold or to take away the support system that is important to you. Instead, allow those people who love you into your life more and not less. Going out with friends, seeing family, and doing things you enjoy distract you from worrying about your husband and separation. 

And I know it doesn’t feel like it right now, but your life consists of other factors besides the separation. Sometimes, it helps to focus on the places where you can excel, feel comfortable, and gain some positive feedback. Give yourself permission to do more of those things and to do less struggling about how and when to act with your husband. 

If there is one thing that I learned over the course of my separation, it was that I didn’t always need to think so hard about and analyze things. I actually brought about some worst-case scenarios because I couldn’t leave well enough alone and just allow for a natural pause. I learned later to focus on other things, but not until my mistakes caused additional issues that I needed to clean up.

Eventually, I allowed things to calm down, I focused on myself, and I got very insistent on my own self-care. Sometimes, this required me to literally force myself to do things. But every time I did this, I felt better in the end. So I just eventually made it a habit.

As I focused on other things, my husband did come around. And at that time, I changed strategies because I could. My failures early on didn’t mean that I was incompetent or couldn’t do anything right. My husband wanted his space. Nothing I did was going to change that. I should have given it more time, but I can see why I didn’t want to and I don’t blame myself. You shouldn’t either. 

You are not incompetent, either. You are the same person you were before the separation, but this is a very hard time for anyone to deal with, and you are doing the best you can. Be gentle with yourself, take care of yourself, and see where you are after a short pause. Husbands do change their behaviors and their perceptions over the course of separation quite frequently.

My husband did change perceptions with a little help from a new strategy from me.  It didn’t happen as soon as I would have liked, but it did happen.  You can read the whole story at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: It can be normal for couples to back away from daily, one-on-one interactions when they are separated. After all, the idea was to take a bit of time and space and to later regroup and see where things stand.  

Unfortunately, some spouses can take this to the extreme. They grow radio silent, and they can make you feel that they no longer care what you do, who you see, and how you feel. 

A wife might say, “before our marriage turned sour and before the separation, my husband and I were involved in each other’s lives. We cared deeply about the well-being of one another. Some of our friends probably thought we were too involved, but that’s okay. My husband always wanted to be invited to outings I was going to. He always wanted to know who I was with or what I was doing. And this wasn’t in an unhealthy and possessive way. It was just that he cared about me. I was the same way about him. But several months ago, things changed. He wasn’t happy and was very restless, so he wanted to pursue a separation. It wasn’t really nasty between us, except I tried to talk him out of it, and he didn’t want to be talked out of it. So there was conflict with that, but ultimately, there was no changing his mind. “

“Still, things remained pretty cordial. However, now that we live apart, he never asks after me. He doesn’t seem to care if I’m having a hard time or if things are going on in my life. One of our mutual friends saw me talking to a guy (who was an old friend from school and not a big deal) but I know the friend would have told my husband, and it got no reaction whatsoever. It’s like he doesn’t care at all. He seems to care less as to what I do and who I see. And I am the exact opposite. I care very much about his experiences. I want to know everything, but of course, I’m not given this information. He’s very secretive, and he resents that I ask. I am assuming that none of this is a good sign. Does this mean that he no longer loves me or is uninvested in me and that we will end up divorced? Should I try to get him to care?”

Not necessarily. It’s important to remember that how the separation starts isn’t always the way that it ends. My husband was very standoffish toward me in the beginning. He was borderline hostile, and I made it worse with some of my behaviors. Thankfully, I was able to clean some of that up, and in time, we got closer. And we are still married today, even though it looked bleak at times during our separation.

Know That His Behavior Can Change Over Time: People can have a change in thinking when they are alone for a while. In the beginning, things are new. There are adjustments. Feelings are fresh, and that can make things feel immediate or as if everything is all or nothing.

Your husband may feel like he SHOULDN’T care so much about you and so he’s trying not to. Or he may very well care, but he’s not eager to show those feelings to you because there is supposed to be some distance during a separation. Or maybe he’s trying not to care because he thinks that is the healthy option.

At this point, you just can’t know for sure. But you can be careful not to make it worse, which leads me to my next point. 

You Can’t (and Probably Shouldn’t) Try to “Make” Him Care:  People often ask me if they should do things to try to get a reaction out of their husband or make him jealous. I too was tempted to attempt these things. And there were times when I didn’t volunteer information to my husband because I didn’t think it would hurt to let him wonder.  

But I made it a point to not play serious games because experience taught me (when I tried those tactics) that they only made things worse. Most husbands aren’t clueless. They’ll know what you’re trying to do and they will not only resent it, they’ll just double down on not caring that much more.

I think the better play is to continue to show that you care about him. If you want him to care about your well-being, show him that you care about his. Always try to take the high road. Of course, I’m not suggesting you be a doormat or accept ill-treatment that you don’t deserve. Nor am I suggesting that you push if he’s not receptive to your communication. Sometimes, you just have to use your best judgment and back up just slightly if you have to. 

But some distance can be normal, especially initially. He may be feeling his way, even if he doesn’t realize it. He may even THINK that he truly doesn’t care, or hope that he really doesn’t care, but that doesn’t mean either of these things will be true in a couple of months from now. 

You can help yourself by practicing self-care and working on your own strength and resiliency. Additionally, if there are any marital issues that you can do something to remove, then that’s usually worth doing. Yes, many things require both people to work together, but not everything. You might be surprised at how much you can do on your own. I was definitely able to identify where I could have given more than I took and where I was being incredibly selfish.

Thankfully, I got the chance to rectify those things, and I got the chance to work with my husband on the things that still stood between us. But I had to have patience while I waited on some of my strategies to work and until he got over the initial resistance. You can read more about that at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Some wives are pleasantly surprised to find that their separated husbands are more receptive than they feared during their marital separation. Despite any fears, he accepts calls, occasionally reaches out, and isn’t opposed to sometimes spending quality time together. Sometimes, he even talks about the future.

This all sounds really great – until you find out that this stance isn’t constant. It seemingly changes for no apparent reason. One day he will seem open to communicating with his wife, and the next he will act as if they are strangers or he’ll ignore her.

She might say, “Honestly, I was relieved a month or so into my separation. I’d seen separated friends who quickly divorced after they separated because their husbands would have nothing to do with them. I feared this would also be my fate, especially since it was my husband who wanted to separate. However, about three weeks into it, he started to come around. He started out returning my calls, and eventually, he called me some. We’ve seen each other a few times, and once he even cooked dinner for me. At the end of the night, he kissed my hand. There are times when we talk when he alludes to the future, and this gives me hope. So I start to think that just maybe we might make it after all.”

 “However, a week or two will go by, and then he will do an about-face. He will go silent on me, and he will act as if our progress didn’t happen. And then when I finally get him to pick up the phone, he’ll act annoyed when I ask him if anything is wrong. He’ll tell me that he’s just been busy, but I can tell that he’s colder than normal. I’ll ask him if I’ve done anything to upset him, and he’ll assure me that I haven’t. He’ll once again say that he’s busy, but it’s like he can’t get off the phone fast enough. I don’t understand. We were doing well, and now it feels like it’s all negated. Why would he go back and forth like this?”

This Can Be Normal Behavior: I know that this feels very discouraging, but if it makes you feel any better, it can be normal. I wish I could tell you that my progress was linear during my own separation, but it most definitely was not. There were times when it felt like my husband was never going to make up his mind, no matter what I did. There were times when he treated me worse than a stranger and times when he was downright nostalgic and borderline loving. 

The Reasons Behind It: There are many reasons that you may be seeing this behavior, but I think the most common is that sometimes he misses you or he feels like reaching out and other times he wants to stay the course, take his time, have his space, and just wait and see as to how this is going to play out. This is especially true when things are still somewhat new, and you haven’t been separated for very long. 

Many separated husbands feel like if you reconcile and things go back to normal too soon, then what was the point of separating?

His going back and forth doesn’t necessarily mean that you’ve done anything wrong or that you’ve committed any errors or overstepped. It just may mean that it’s natural for him to want to take his time and make sure that you both evaluate deeply and tread carefully.

Finding Perspective:  I’m not going to tell you to look on the bright side. That would be condescending and silly. But I can tell you that not all wives have even sporadic contact and short periods of progress. They have radio silence most of the time. They don’t even have those glimmers of hope that you are getting.

I know it’s confusing and frustrating to you, but I feel I’d rather have some hopeful contact than none at all because that means if you have patience and play your cards right, then you may have constructive and positive contact once again in the future.

Handling This Prudently: Early on in my own separation, I would have forced myself on my husband in this situation. I’d hope that by pushing him, I’d nudge him to pay attention to me again. But I know from experience that would have only caused him to pull away. 

As I learned, you are arguably better off trying to remain positive when you do communicate. You are better off being patient. You can always try to initiate contact in a light-hearted, low-pressure way to see if he responds. But if he doesn’t, it is better to know that if you can make him think of you positively, the chances are good that sometime soon, he will miss you and will reach out to you again.

One of the biggest lessons I learned during my own separation was patience. I wanted it to end in weeks, but looking back now, that was never going to happen. And by rushing it and forcing it, I only delayed our progress. I only made my husband want to avoid me.

I know it’s challenging to have faith in the fact that he will come around. But he’s already shown that he’s willing to do so. He did not develop the doubts that contributed to the separation overnight, and he probably won’t overcome these doubts overnight, either.

You can help yourself by working on the solo issues that you can. I know that it takes two, but you can work on your own attitude, willingness to compromise, and perceptions of the issues you’ll have to tackle. Many times, spending some time apart will make you see things you couldn’t see before. It will change your perceptions, and eventually your attitudes and behaviors.  

You have time to work on these things while you are being patient. Don’t make the common mistakes that so many of us make and push before he is ready to move forward. Sure, you can be slick when you have his positive attention, but for now, you have to be methodical and deliberate. 

It was hard for me to learn this lesson initially, but I had no choice.  If I had kept pushing, I’d be divorced, rather than still married, today.  You can read about how I got things together at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many wives who are very reluctantly separated went into this hoping that things wouldn’t be as bad as initially feared. In other words, the wife hoped that the separation would bring her husband closer to her instead of further away. She hoped she would be pleasantly surprised at how much her husband missed her and reached out to her. Unfortunately, sometimes, this best-case scenario doesn’t happen. Instead, it is the opposite. Instead, the separation gets off to a somewhat disastrous start because her husband completely ignores her.

She might say, “I knew things weren’t great between us when my husband left. He was very intense, and although he held it together, I could tell he was angry that things worked out this way. We both hoped we could pull it together, and I would have kept trying, but he apparently thought he couldn’t take it anymore. He doesn’t feel that we – and particularly me – have made sufficient progress. Still, he said that we could communicate during this separation. He made it seem like he wouldn’t just abandon me. But it feels like that’s exactly what he’s done. He’s completely ignored me. He hasn’t called or reached out. And when I tried to reach out to him, I got a terse text back telling me that he made it clear that he needed time and that I need to respect that. Well, there’s a difference between ‘time’ and complete silence in my opinion. And if this is how it’s going to be, I don’t hold out much hope for our future. Why would he start out of the gate totally ignoring me this way?”

I know that this is painful and somewhat confusing. But it may make you feel somewhat better to know that this is common. My husband definitely ignored me sometimes, and eventually, with work, things improved between us. And we are still married today. So the way you start isn’t always the way you end up.  

With that said, it may help to understand why he may be ignoring you initially. I’ll list some possibilities below, but remember that just because you are seeing some of these behaviors now, that doesn’t mean that you will always see them. 

He’s Still Angry or Frustrated:  Since this is a new separation, you likely haven’t had time to address your most pressing issues. Therefore, the issues which caused him to leave are still very present and are likely still causing problems and frustration. Therefore, he may feel like there’s just not much to talk about yet. Of course, this won’t always be true. There will be a time in the coming days to make important changes.

He’s Unsure How He Wants to Proceed:  Separated husbands are often as unsure as you are. They don’t know how the separation is going to go, either. Sometimes, all they know is that they want to give the situation some time to calm down, and they’d like a little quiet initially. While it might seem like they are ignoring you, they may just be trying to establish a pause or get used to their new normal before they reach out. Sometimes, it isn’t quite as bad as it seems.

He’s Trying to Set A Precedent for Space and Time:  Many separated husbands are very serious about wanting some time to themselves initially. If they didn’t think they needed that time, they wouldn’t have taken the drastic stance of leaving. Some of them see remaining quiet and not reaching out as a way to assert their need for space. Many of them are also trying to set a precedent of them reaching out to you when they are ready or when they think the time is right. It’s easier to communicate more later than to pull back because he gave too much too soon.

He’s Just Not Ready To Reach Out Because He Isn’t Sure Where His Head Is: Some separated husbands don’t reach out initially because they know you’re going to ask them what they’re thinking and feeling, and they honestly just don’t know yet. So rather than mislead you or tell you something that may or may not be true, they decide to wait until they have a more firm sense of what they feel and how they want to proceed.

How to Handle This: I know that it’s tempting to keep reaching out to him and demand that he acknowledge and talk to you. It’s likely tempting to want to tell him that he’s being disrespectful, rude, and hurtful. But he may well already suspect that you feel this way. And making him defensive and angry isn’t likely to make things better.

Instead, you can reach out to let him know you’re here when he’s ready to talk. Just a quick text telling him that you’re checking in to make sure he is okay and that you’re ready to talk when he is covers many bases. By sending a text, you give him the option of answering when he’s ready. And your message isn’t making demands or being confrontational in any way. Instead, you are offering your support and your willingness to meet him halfway. There isn’t much to make him angry when you take that approach.

Controlling What You Can: When he does reach out, you’ll be in a position to take advantage of it and start with positivity rather than negativity. In the meantime, you can work on the issues over which you have control – which are issues that have to do with yourself. Where can you make changes personally to make this better? How can you adjust your thinking, perspective, and approach, to improve the situation so that you and your husband have plenty to talk about? How can you shift your expectations and approach so that you’re okay with gradual progress, since that’s perhaps what your husband is signaling?

Although it may not seem like it initially, there is plenty that you can do on your own while you are waiting for him to get over his isolation and hesitancy.  I eventually realized that I had to do much of the heavy lifting on my own before my husband was ready to work with me.  And it really did make all of the difference.  As I alluded to, we did reconcile and are still married.  You can read more at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: It’s an awful feeling when your husband walks out. Especially if you might be still invested in saving your marriage. It can feel like one step closer to a divorce, except when you have a husband who insists that he doesn’t want one.  

This dynamic can also feel like a weird push and pull. On the one hand, he apparently doesn’t want to live with you right now. But on the other, he is saying that he’s not going to pursue a divorce. A wife can wonder if these two opposite things can actually authentically exist at the same time.

The wife might say, “My husband had been talking about taking time for himself and living alone for several months. Because he took no action initially, I’d been hoping that he wouldn’t actually go through with it. He’s very frugal, and I had my doubts that he was actually going to spring for an entirely new household for himself. He is an only child, and his parents are deceased. So he doesn’t have anyone he can stay with in the short term. If he doesn’t want to live with me, he’ll need to pay for a separate place. Apparently, he is so miserable here, he’d rather pay to live somewhere else. He swears that he is going month to month and that he didn’t sign a lease, but I honestly don’t know how likely that is.”

“I have been very honest about how upset all of this makes me. And he has told me that as of right now, he has no plans to file for divorce. (Although he concedes that this could change if we are unable to make any progress.) So I suppose that should make me feel a little better, but I don’t know that it does. There’s always the chance of divorce for people who are separated. And that is what we are. Sure, we haven’t exactly said those words, but when your spouse wants to move out and away from you, then you are separated – whether you like it or not. I just don’t know what to do with all of this conflicting information. I can’t stop thinking about divorce – as if he never even took it off the table – or as if I can’t trust what he said.”

The Fear Mindset Doesn’t Serve Anyone: I understand where you are coming from. I was in a similar situation as to what you are going through, and I, too, was unable to stop myself from fixating on divorce initially. But, I have to tell you, that mindset did not serve me at all from a mental health standpoint. Nor did it help in my marriage or separation. All it did was cause me to panic, which made my behavior worse than it otherwise would have been. In time, I learned to separate the two things – separation and divorce – and as such, I didn’t divorce. Here is the mindset that helped me make this shift

Take it One Day at a Time:  Although it can feel as if a divorce is around the corner, you’ve not been served with divorce papers. And as far as you know, your husband hasn’t hired an attorney. Divorces aren’t instantaneous. They take time. That means you’re not going to wake up divorced tomorrow. You have some time. You don’t need to panic. Instead, you can come up with a proactive strategy to turn things around and make the gradual progress that may change your husband’s mind. Don’t try to tackle every problem at one time. Instead, try to have one positive interaction each time you speak, try to improve yourself a little at a time, and try to gain gradual insights that might help you implement the changes that will save your marriage.

Focus on the Problems that Will Help You Gain a Sense of Cooperation and Intimacy: People often ask me which problems to tackle first. You want to tackle problems that you can actually solve or can at least make some progress. If you try to attack something so big that you’ll fail, then you’ll likely get discouraged. You want to build up to the biggest problems.

It is always a good idea to tackle the problems that make way for more intimacy and ease between you. Any negativity you can remove so that you can feel comfortable reaching out to and communicating with your husband is absolutely worth doing.

It is so important that you are regularly and positively communicating. Doing so gives you something that you can build upon and creates momentum.

Don’t Keep Bringing Up Divorce: When I was at the height of my anxiety, I kept bringing up the possibility of divorce. Or I would ask my husband if he had changed his mind. This only frustrated both of us. And at times, he very plainly told me he didn’t want to hear about this anymore. When I crossed that line, I had to work hard to bring back a decent rapport between us. I would have been better off continuing to create an ease and letting the momentum propel me forward. 

I should have just settled in and understood that I was in the middle of a marathon and not a sprint. In truth, most of our marriages didn’t get this way overnight, so we aren’t going to save them overnight. Most of us have to work patiently and methodically to try to soothe what is broken, to try to right what is wrong, and to be content with a pace that may seem slower and not as aggressive as we may want. 

However, if all you do is concentrate on the possibility of divorce, you may keep yourself from taking the necessary steps to attempt to make this better. The good news is that if you can keep a lid on your anxiety, sometimes a little distance can actually work for you. Sometimes, you both miss each other more than you anticipated, and you’re both a little more willing to openly communicate without anger and resentment. 

That ultimately happened in my case after I stopped making so many preventable mistakes that almost cost me my marriage.  You can read the whole story at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: There’s often a period before a potential separation or divorce where a couple is trying to make things right again. Even if one or both spouses doubt that they will be successful, many feel compelled to at least try to see if anything is salvageable. And, even though this is preferable to going straight toward separation or divorce, this period can be very stressful because you can worry that it is now or never to turn things around.

A Wife’s Perception:  A wife in this situation might say, “My husband has been checked out of our marriage for at least six months. For weeks, I’ve been worried that he will just up and leave. He’s been frustrated with some of my behaviors. He thinks I am immature and selfish and that being with me has become a non pleasurable part of his life. He has told me that I need to grow up and act like the adult that I am. Personally, I think this is silly. I’ve been living as an adult for a long time, and it’s disrespectful for him to refer to me otherwise. “

“That said, I admit our marriage hasn’t been great, and I am part of this marriage, so I must take responsibility for that. But he’s basically saying that he’s going to give me ‘one more chance’ to stop with the behavior that he thinks is deteriorating our marriage, and then if I don’t, he will bail. This is very upsetting to me because I feel so much pressure. I feel like it is solely up to him to decide if my behavior is to his satisfaction, and if not, we’re done. ‘One more chance’ makes me feel like a naughty child. It makes me feel like I have zero room for error and have to walk on eggshells. And that makes my marriage feel even more stifling than before. It also makes me wonder if he already knows I will fail, and he’s just waiting to pull the rug out from under me. By telling me I have ‘one more chance,’ he’s basically saying he’ll only deal with me for a little while longer, and then he is done. I’m scared to even do anything, but I know that if I do nothing, he’ll run out of patience and completely cut me off.”

Be Aware of the Potential for Panic: I understand your frustration. My husband did take to giving deadlines before we separated, and I too felt the pressure. But I have to tell you, my response to the pressure made things worse. It made me panic. And my panic didn’t bring about the response my husband wanted. So we separated. And after we separated I continued to panic, and things continued to deteriorate because I clung so tightly but changed nothing (or not enough) in my behavior. That’s why I suggest you don’t allow frustration and panic to keep you from making helpful and genuine changes.

Methodically Make the Changes You Know In Your Heart are the Most Important: I’d be lying if I claimed that I wasn’t aware of the changes that probably would have helped my marriage the most. My husband felt I took him for granted and acted in my own best interests rather than his. He felt we had less in common with each passing day, and he’d started to think that we were two different people. I was overwhelmed with all of this, so I didn’t make a serious enough attempt at change.

That’s why I’d suggest prioritizing what is most important and getting busy. Make sure he sees that you are truly making an effort, but don’t make a panicked effort. Make a sincere effort.

Don’t Be Afraid to Ask Your Husband How You Are Doing:  One additional mistake that I made was that I didn’t openly communicate with my husband about my efforts. I could see he was frustrated, but I was too scared to pin him down on specifics, so I just hoped that I was worrying too much and practicing catastrophic thinking. Turns out, I wasn’t. My husband thought I wasn’t making progress, and eventually he did leave. If I had asked him to be specific about what was working and what wasn’t, perhaps we could have made more of a dent in our issues. I didn’t, and he eventually thought it wasn’t possible to try to make repairs anymore.

Try to Bring Joy and Playfulness into this Process: I know what I’m saying might sound weird. But when you approach something as if you have one more chance, you see it as a high-stakes job. Therefore, neither of you may be having much fun. So once your husband needs to make a decision about your marriage, this drudgery is one thing he takes into consideration. To avoid that, to the extent you can, try to put on a semi-happy face and be upbeat. Remember why you love each other and try to place your focus on those feelings.  

Try to make your husband laugh or smile every day. Try to bring a smile to your own face. If you can look around and realize you’re having fun with your husband again, the “one more chance” rhetoric may tone down, and you’ll feel much less pressure. Therefore, you may be much more effective at facilitating change.

Try to See this as a Joint Activity:  Although he may be telling you that you have one more chance, in truth, there are two people in this marriage. And although he may not be overtly making any changes, he’s going along with this journey with you because he is in the marriage. There’s nothing wrong with having the mindset that you are truly in this together. (You don’t have to announce this if you think he will balk at it.) But it’s a shift in thinking that can help you to feel less pressure.  

 Once I started to make successful, small changes that my husband noticed, he too started to change. Success usually begets more success. So while it may not feel like a joint effort now, it will hopefully become one eventually as he sees change and then gets with the program. You can read about how I was finally able to save my marriage at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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