Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who are struggling with formulating a workable plan after their separated husband has informed them that, at least in his opinion, the marriage just isn’t going to work. Much of the time, the wife does not agree with this assessment because she was hoping to save her marriage all along.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband and I have only been separated for about three months. All along, I haven’t made a secret of the fact that I hoped that this was only temporary.  My husband agreed to call it a trial separation. So I was hopeful that we would eventually find our way back to one another. We see each other a couple of times per month, mostly because this is all that he will agree to. I have repeatedly asked him to go to counseling because I feel that it will really help us. He refuses. The other day, I once again asked him if he just go for one counseling session. That is when he announced that our marriage just wasn’t going to work. I asked him why he would say something like that. And his response to me was that he was saying it because it was true. Why does he get to decide that it isn’t going to work? And how does he know that it won’t work if he won’t even try? Do I just have to accept his opinion?” I will try to address these concerns below.

Know That One Person’s Opinion Is Not Reality: Needless to say, this wife was absolutely panicked and she worried that her marriage was over. I understand this as I felt the same way. But I have to tell you that until your divorce is actually final, I don’t think that you should just blindly accept this as the final truth. Frankly, I have seen many marriages turn around when one spouse was sure that it was over. People change their minds all of the time. Situations improve frequently.

So just because your husband could potentially be having a bad day or is particularly resistant to counseling and trying to get out of it, this doesn’t mean that he is going to feel this way next month or next week. I am not asking you to ignore reality. However, I do know that things can change. And if I had accepted my husband’s assertion early in our separation that our marriage was over than we may not be married today.

Why It Might Be A Good Idea To Temporarily Back Off A Little Bit: I could be wrong, but I suspected that the husband’s assertions that “the marriage wasn’t going to work” were in part based on his reluctance to pursue counseling and on his resistance to his wife’s constant insistence that they “work” on their marriage.

Since it was obvious that the husband was incredibly resistant to this strategy, it might make sense to back off of this same strategy. Frankly, you will sometimes have more success in saving your marriage when you aren’t very obviously proclaiming your strategy and game plan. Sometimes, you have to just focus on very small improvements that give you quick and successful results that allow for you to gain momentum and build.

So it may make sense to respond with something like: “well, I’m very sorry to hear you say that because I think that our marriage can work. At this point, all I really want for the immediate future is to maintain a healthy relationship with you. Our relationship is too important to me to just let it go because we are both frustrated. I realize that our relationship may go through some changes in the future, but for now, I just want to hold on to the bond that we have, even if our relationship ultimately changes. I want for us to have a carefree and easy relationship again, no matter what we are calling that relationship at the time.”

Understand that this whole conversation is meant to set up some progress in the future. You are letting him know that you are no longer going to be applying the pressure. You are stressing that you want for things to be light and easy between you rather than heavy and hard. And, if he knows that you aren’t going to be making huge demands and requests of him, then he is going to be less likely to resist you.

Accept Small Gains. Don’t Think That You Have To Make Your Marriage Work Perfectly Immediately: Since your husband has stressed that he doesn’t think that your marriage is going to work, I know that you may be tempted to overcompensate just to show him that it can. But sometimes, I think that we focus on goals that are just too big under the circumstances. When a man has drawn a line in the sand and proclaimed that he doesn’t want to go any further, he will often resist you when he sees that you are trying to proceed anyway.

Instead, you will often have more success if you don’t push it and instead settle for small victories. Just accept a few minutes together over a cup of coffee rather than demanding he give you a couple of hours in a counselor’s office. Try to make your time together fun and low key. You want for him to come to understand that the relationship between you can be quite easy without needing a lot or work or effort from either of you. Honestly, you don’t need to keep bringing every topic back to your marriage right now. That can happen later once you have reconnected.

But for right now, it is often a better idea to set your goals a little lower so that you can have small successes on which you can build. I know that this probably doesn’t sound particularly exciting, but it is a strategy that can work.  I know because I used it myself during my own separation.  And because of it, I am still married today.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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