Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from wives who are afraid that their husband has been thinking about a divorce because his behavior is odd, and he’s increasingly distancing himself from her and from the marriage. Unfortunately, when these wives try to ask their husband about his thoughts and feelings, they are sometimes told that they’re being paranoid. Or the husband will be secretive and refuse to answer. (This is sometimes because he knows you’re going to try to change his mind and he wants to see how things play out without any influence or input.) 

When your husband won’t share his thoughts or address your concerns, what can you do but guess about his thought process? Well, you can look for very common clues that usually often too difficult to identify. And it’s understandable to want this information. You want to brace yourself and/or find a strategy to change things and save your marriage. I’ll list these clues below, but keep in mind that everyone is different. There may not be cause for panic if you see these signs or even cause for celebration if you don’t. Use your own knowledge of your spouse to evaluate.  

You Can Both See And Feel Your Husband’s Changes In Behavior:  It’s very common for a wife to feel that something is “weird” or “off” before she notices literal examples of troubling behavior. Sometimes, you feel as if you can’t quite put your finger on what is wrong, but you know that something is. You notice that your husband isn’t present when he is with you. He may not be showing you the affection and attention that he used to.

When you ask him if something is wrong, he may tell you that he is just busy or a bit stressed. He may even deny that there is a problem. So you may convince yourself that you are imagining things – until the behavior and the sinking feelings continue and you can no longer deny that your husband is suddenly cold, distant, and making excuses. 

He’s Thinking Of “Me,” And Not “We:”  Men who are thinking about a divorce begin to see themselves more of an individual and less as part of a lasting couple. They’ll stop spending as much time at home, opting instead to hang out with work colleagues, or their own friends. They’ll start to pursue their own individual hobbies. And they may even begin to pursue finances separately (even if they initially try to hide this.)  

Many of them are not even aware that they’re seeking their own independence. They aren’t always thinking about this consciously. But many begin to experiment with living more independently before they actually pursue a separation or divorce. 

This can become a troublesome cycle because, as he begins to spend less time with you and more time on independent pursuits, your intimacy will begin to wane – which is the very thing that might hold you together. 

This leads me to my next point: 

He May Try To Light A Spark:  This is a very tricky clue because most wives breathe a sigh of relief when they see this happening. Some wives are very confused when their husband asks for a separation or divorce after an increase in sex or a romantic trip away. 

Men who feel themselves checking out of their marriage will often feel intense guilt and even sorrow. So they want to give their marriage a fair chance, and they’ll sometimes take the initiative to initiate more romance than you’ve seen in a while. This can be a great sign – if it works for the husband. Sometimes, the wife feels the spark, but the husband does not. And then he will use this as justification for moving on. 

What You Can Do If You Suspect Your Spouse Is Thinking About A Divorce. How Do You Talk To Them?: As tempting as it might be, I believe it can be a mistake to take your spouse’s insistence that everything is fine at face value when you know in your gut that there is a problem. 

If you’re truly wrong, there’s no harm done if you bring it up. But if you’re right, at least you are being proactive and are hopefully addressing this problem before it reaches the point of no return. Sometimes, wives hesitate to take action because they know this conversation may be painful and uncomfortable. But doing nothing and ending up separated or divorced is more painful. 

Pick a very benign time to have this conversation and tell your spouse that you’ve noticed very specific changes in your marriage that have you worried. Then calmly list some of them, being careful not to sound accusatory. Tell him that you want to be wrong, but you’ve seen this pattern for some time now. 

Know that he may try to minimize your observations and deny that anything is wrong. Don’t dispute him or insinuate that he’s wrong or lying. Just tell him that you can’t ignore what you are seeing and that you’re worried about your interpretation. 

Sometimes, it helps to talk about scenarios. Ask him if he could have the marriage of his dreams, what would it look like. Sometimes, this allows him to say how he feels without identifying hurtful specifics.

Remember that the goal is not to badger him about what he’s feeling, it’s to open communications so that things can improve. You want to eventually feel comfortable opening up so that real change can begin. 

The goal is that he eventually realizes that whatever is wrong between you is not insurmountable and that he should be thinking about how he can right this ship rather than how to sink it. 

When my husband began to move away from me, I was actually accusatory when I tried to talk to him about it. Once we separated, I did everything that I could to stop it. I delayed, I begged, argued, stalked, and engaged, but none of these things worked – until I changed my approach. Thankfully, I decided to approach things from another angle and this eventually worked. You can read more about which tactics worked and which didn’t on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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