Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from wives who are struggling to deal with a trial separation.  Many aren’t sure how they are supposed to be acting or feeling.  They also aren’t sure whether their husband is ever going to come home or commit to working on the marriage.  This uncertainty can be extremely hard to deal with.

I recently heard from a wife who said, in part: “my husband told me he wanted a trial separation about three months ago.  He left home about seven weeks ago.  As of today, he still has no idea what he wants.  Some days he seems to have a positive attitude and he is more receptive and sweet to me.  And, other days, he will act as if he’s loving his freedom and as if he might never come back home.  Not knowing what is going to happen with my marriage is driving me crazy.  I have tried to be patient, but it’s at the point where I feel as if my life is on hold.  I feel like I am made to live in limbo while I’m supposed to wait patiently for him to make up his mind.  How do I deal with this?  Because there are some days when I think that I could accept it if he told me he was never coming back because at least I would have a definitive answer.  But then, once I calm down, I know this isn’t true.  If he’s going to make the decision to leave me for good, I’d rather put that off as long as possible.  But at the same time, this is very difficult.  How do I cope with the uncertainty?”

I understand exactly where this wife is coming from.  I felt the same way when my husband and I were separated.  On the one hand, I was desperate for answers.  But on the other hand, I didn’t want the answers to come if they were going to be the answers that I did not want to hear.  So like the wife above, I was caught in limbo for a while, especially since I was so depressed that I didn’t venture out a lot on my own at first.  But with the help of others and after finally being honest with myself, I decided to change my tactics.  And this truly did make all the difference, which I will discuss more below.

The Uncertainty Feels Much Worse When You Dwell On It.  Once You Let Go (Even A Little Bit,) It Loses Its Power Over You: If you are in this situation, you probably already know that the uncertainty and turmoil seem to get worse every day.  Every night when you go to sleep without an answer, you wonder how much longer you will be able to take this.

Of course, this is a vicious cycle.  The more desperate you become, the more pressure you put on your husband.  And the more you pressure him, the less likely you are to get the answer you want and the more compelled he feels to take his sweet time.

To stop this cycle, you’ll often first need to stop dwelling.  I know that this is difficult, but it is the only way to get some relief.  You will often have to convince yourself that the right answer is going to come at the right time.  And, until then, there really is no sense in making yourself miserable and even lessening your chances that your husband is going to come back by demanding answers or decisions that your husband might not yet have.

It’s important to understand that rushing him is more likely to make him feel like he wants to just walk away.  But honestly, if you let go just a little and take even a tiny step back, you will often get faster and better results.  In the meantime, you have to keep yourself busy and you may have to literally force this upon yourself.  But it does get easier with time.

Forcing Yourself To Back Off Will Often Make The Process Go More Quickly: So let’s talk about what you gain when you back up a little.  If you force yourself to remain busy with other things, to go out with friends, to pursue your hobbies and dreams, and to not hold onto your husband’s distant decision with a death grip, this whole issue loses its immediacy and its power.

Sure, you may well still want answers and you’ll likely still hate the uncertainty.  But, you won’t be as tortured by it because you will legitimately have other things to do.   This helps you in more ways than you probably realize.  Not only will it usually provide immediate relief, but it will often increase the chances that you get the long-term results that you are after.

It’s not at all uncommon for husbands to suddenly pay attention and regain interest when you’re no longer there hanging on their every word and their every action.  Your stock goes up nearly immediately and suddenly your whereabouts and activities are much more important to them.  And the result is often that he’s suddenly inspired to move more quickly because you are no longer waiting for exactly that. It’s kind of amazing how that works, but that’s often precisely how it does.

I know that backing off a little and living your life outside of what is happening with your marriage can be a scary thought.  But time and time again, I’ve seen it be the best strategy that is most likely to make your husband make the quickest decision possible about coming home and working things out.

I wish I had known then what I’m telling you now. Unfortunately, I pushed my husband and tried to rush him into a decision about our separation. Of course, I got the answer that I didn’t want and I had that much more work to do to save my marriage. It wasn’t until I backed off that I made any real progress. If it helps, you can read that very emotional story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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