Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Much of the time, when you are going through a martial separation and still want to save your marriage, you are exploring any number of things that you can say or do in order to make your situation better. To that end, I sometimes have people ask me what are the best things that they can say to their separated spouse.

I might hear from someone who says: “things are very tense between my husband and I right now. We have been separated for about three and a half weeks. Every time we talk, he seems on edge and angry. I want to tell him how much I miss him and how much I am suffering without him. I’d like to express how lonely I am. But I suspect that these words will not be well-received. I am not sure what we are supposed to talk about. I am not sure what I am supposed to be saying to him right now. What are the best things that a wife can say to her separated husband?”

I think that the answer to this depends on the situation. Some husbands miss their wives and are insecure about the separation. For those husbands, it may be OK to express more emotion combined with honesty.

However, I believe that for those husbands who have indicated that they “need space,” expressing words of love and loneliness are not nearly as likely to be well received. Husbands who are looking for space can often take an innocent “I miss you” and hear words that evoke pressure.

Phrases You Might Consider Avoiding: That’s why I suggest trying to avoid phrases that can evoke feelings of pressure and negativity. For many separated men, these are phrases like:

“I love and miss you and I’m miserable here all by myself.”

“It is such a struggle to run the household without you.”

“The kids keep asking me when their daddy is coming home.”

“I’m sure that the whole neighborhood is gossiping about us and our broken home.”

“I can’t believe you are doing this to us.”

“Maybe when you get over your silly mid-life crisis, you can find it in your heart to come home where you belong.”

“If you had told me five years ago that I would be separated, I never would have believed it. I didn’t think we were one of those dysfunctional couples who couldn’t work out their problems.”

“I feel like you only left so you could see someone else. That’s a very selfish thing to do.”

“When do you think you might be coming home? Because I don’t know how much more of this I can take.”

I am not saying that, in the right situation, none of the above would work. Some husbands are more receptive than others. But I am saying that many husbands who have asked for space are going to have a negative reaction to the above because it makes them feel pressured and it makes them feel guilty.

More Positive Phrases To Consider: Below are suggestions for words that might be received a little more positively.

“I know that things are a little difficult and awkward right now, but I’m hopeful that things will be better soon.”

“I know that you have your reasons for what you are doing. And I hope that things will be better for you soon. If there is anything that I can do in the meantime to help, please reach out to me.”

“I understand that you need your space. It’s a little tough for me because I’m lonely and I miss you. But to be quite honest about it, the space will likely benefit me too. I can use it to work on myself and get my own life in order.”

“This time apart has made me realize that there are places where I went wrong and things that I haven’t done or said. I hope that in the future, we will both have the chance to make these things right again. Because there are many things that I would do differently, if given the chance.”

Do you see the difference? Both sets of words indicate that you miss your spouse. But one set is more hopeful while the other has a more negative tone. To the best of your ability, you want to stay upbeat and hopeful. Because if everything out of your mouth makes your husband feel guilty, defensive, or pressured, then he is going to start avoiding you just to avoid the negative emotions he now associates with having a conversation with you.

It’s much more difficult to get him to come home if you aren’t speaking to him regularly or you aren’t having positive interactions with him. That’s why it’s best to say words meant to clear the way for you being able to talk to him and see him as much as possible.

I can’t honestly tell you that I never said the phrases that I’ve suggested that you to resist.  In fact, early in my separation, I very frequently whined to my husband about how much I missed him and how miserable I was.  It wasn’t until I saw how negatively he reacted to me that I changed my stance and my message. If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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