Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I firmly believe that a separation does not have to be the end of your marriage. In fact, I believe that a separation that allows the time and distance to work for the marriage can actually make both people more committed to staying together and more determined to make things work. The reason for the change of heart often lies with the fact that the distance allows both people to see how much they actually care and miss the other person. This makes them realize that they don’t to be without their spouse and that they don’t want to be alone.

Many people who contact me very much understand that their spouse needs to end up missing them during the separation. They know that this is a very important piece of the puzzle. But they aren’t sure how to best accomplish this. I often hear comments like: “My husband is the one who wanted the separation. He initiated it. I did not want it, but agreed because it seemed like it was my only choice instead of a divorce. I know it’s important that he miss me while we’re apart, but he doesn’t seem to. Every time I call him, he seems to be busy. Every time I try to see him face to face, he brushes me off. If I point blank ask him if he misses me, he doesn’t give me a straight answer or he’ll say something like ‘a little.’ It’s hard to have any hope when he responds to me this way. Am I doing something wrong? I try not to bother him that much, but if I waited for him to contact me, I’m afraid he never would.”

In the following article, I will offer some tips on encouraging your husband to miss you during the separation so that hopefully this will lead to him to want to come back to you as well.

Understand That This Process Sometimes Takes Patience. In The Beginning, He’s Likely Just Feeling His Way And Hasn’t Yet Processed How He Really Feels: One common issue that I see is that there’s a real tendency to be so uncomfortable and worried while he is gone that you want to reach out very quickly. You are looking for validation or some good signs to make you feel better.

But what you might not realize at the time is that husbands who initiate a separation often fully intend to take their time during it. Many tell me that they asked for the separation because they wanted to see how they would feel in another scenario. They wanted the time to process their feelings without having to dialog with you while they were doing it. So, sometimes when you start asking how much he misses you, he will actually retreat even more because he feels like you are rushing him.

Often, he hasn’t yet reached the point where he’s thought much about his feelings. He’s just trying to ease into this day by day – and then slowly, he will begin to see how this feels to him. But if you push, then you are making it more likely that you will not get the answer that you want.

Understand What It Takes For A Man To Miss A Woman During A Separation: Many women feel as if they have to control every aspect of their husband’s life while he is away. They know that they are overreaching, but the fear takes over and they just can’t help it. Because they worry that if they back off and he has too much fun, meets someone else, or decides that he really is happy and content alone, then their letting go even just a little bit would have been a huge mistake.

I do understand this. I went through this process myself and made many similar mistakes. But I eventually came to realize that my forcing the issue wasn’t going to make what I wanted any more likely. My continuing to show up and come on too strong couldn’t possibly assure me that none of my fears were going to happen. They actually were making my husband see me in a more negative light. But backing off gave me at least the chance that he would see me more positively.

And this truly is your whole goal. You want for him to get to a place where he has a quiet moment to himself, reflects on you, and decides that there truly were some good times that just might be possible to recapture. Without the fighting, the insecurities, and the conflict having a constant presence, he can think about you with a positive reaction rather than a negative one.

That’s why it’s so very important that if you suspect that what you are doing is bringing about these negative reactions, then you should consider changing strategies and seeing if there’s a change in his outlook or reaction.

Use Restraint When You Reach Out To Your Husband. And, For Every Contact That You Initiate, Try To Force Yourself To Wait Until He Makes The Next: If you are the only one who is making all of the attempts at communication, things are going to feel one-sided to both you and your husband. That’s why I advocate moving backward when you feel some resistance. And you likely know your husband enough to know when this is happening.

I believe that, as hard as it is, you are better off contacting him too little rather than too much. If it’s too little, the chances are that he will reach out to you because he’s wondering why he hasn’t heard from you. If you do decide to contact him or to “just happen” to bump into him, then use restraint when this happens. You may feel like you want to talk and talk and confess how much you miss him and don’t want to be without him. But try to force yourself to stop short of this.

Because the idea really is to leave him wanting more. You want every encounter to end well, so that it leads to another one. And, when you are the one initiating the contact the first time, then it’s always best to allow him to make the next move. Or at least to wait until enough time has passed between each encounter. Desperation is easy to spot and it usually doesn’t inspire him to come back you. It just inspires him to avoid you.

If You Can’t Pull This Off Face To Face Contact Right Now, Considering Keeping Things Light And Short With Technology (Like Texting, Facebook, Etc.:) Some women contact me and tell me that although they understand these principles, they have a very hard time with them in real life. I often have them tell me things like “I do want to play it cool. I’ll psych myself up and try to act very casual, but the second I see him, I tear up, I get emotional and the jig is up. He can take one look at me and know exactly how I feel.”

If this is the situation that you find yourself in, you may want to consider trying to use technology – texts, emails, facebook messaging etc. This way, he can’t see or hear you. Your words can seem very casual, flirtatious and lighthearted, even if your emotions are anything but. I literally had to go out of town for a while to just force myself to back away a little bit. And you know what? This made all the difference.