My Separated Spouse Has Agreed To See Me During The Separation But Wants To “Just Hang Out.”
By: Leslie Cane: Often, when you are separated and you feel that your spouse is avoiding or rejecting you, then you can tell yourself that you would be extremely happy just to see or talk to them. So, you can go on a campaign to make this happen – asking about a face to face meeting every time that you talk. Because it can sometimes take a while for this to successfully happen, you can understandably built up the importance of this in your own mind. So when your separated husband finally agrees to meet but stresses that he wants to keep things casual, it can bring about a bit of confusion and disappointment.
Someone might explain: “for the first couple of weeks of our separation, my husband wouldn’t even take my calls. I finally got him to talk to me, but it was clear that he no interest in seeing me face to face. I accepted this because I knew that I’d had such a hard time establishing communication that I did not want to put this is jeopardy. We talk pretty regularly now. And I’m thankful for these conversations. But, they are not enough for me. I want to see my husband. I want to have physical contact with him. I want to hug him and be hugged back and maybe a little more. I have repeatedly asked him to meet me. He always tried to change the subject. Yesterday, I finally got him to agree to meet me for coffee. I told him that maybe we could make a day of it, but he said he’s more comfortable just meeting and then “hanging out.” I didn’t say anything but my thought was that you hang out with your friends and your buddies, but not your spouse. Now I am starting to wonder if he is only stringing me along. Hanging out isn’t something that you really do with someone that you love, is it?”
I know that this is disappointing to you because I know how we can tend to build things up in our minds during our separations. We are lonely and scared and thinking the worst. We want to have a romantic dinner. We want for the outing to last all day. We want some time together that improves things so much that we can finally have some confidence that it is all going to work out. That’s why the whole “hanging out” thing can be so disappointing to us. We can worry that this meeting is not going to give us what we want or need.
But I can tell you that accepting the small things that you are given can be a great strategy. Because it allows you to get a toe hold on which you can build. And frankly, “hanging out” and just having a casual good time together can be every bit as powerful as a more “formal” romantic outing.
Any time that you can just relax and laugh with your separated spouse, you have made gains. And “hanging out” can help to keep things casual and ensure that the situation remains low in pressure. This is vital. Because often when we are separated and we put too much pressure on things. And this pressure can cause some awkwardness and some disappointment, which is the opposite of what you want.
One of your goals should be to create some momentum. And one of the most effective ways to do that is to start small and build. Your day of hanging out might go so well that it leads to something else. Sometimes when you are separated, you have to embrace baby steps. You just focus on the next conversation and the next encounter because you do not want to look too far ahead. You do not want to apply too much pressure.
I know that hanging out might seem like a step down to you, but it can actually be a wonderful first step. I would embrace it and I would do my best to keep things as casual and upbeat as possible. Because doing so makes it more likely that this will lead to more frequent and perhaps more lengthy meetings. The idea is that you keep repeating this until you are seeing your spouse regularly and it is always going well so that you both look forward to it.
Sure, hanging out is a small step. But don’t see this as a let down. See it as an opportunity. It is giving you your first opportunity to build on something. And sometimes, that is all you need to get a reconciliation started.
Honestly, my husband and my “hanging out” was vital to the first steps toward our reconciliation. Every time I would attempt to make it anything more than casual. It backfired. I absolutely had to take the laid back approach in order to get my husband to agree. And it was eventually enough because we are still married today. You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com
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