Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: When your husband gives you the “bad news” that his feelings for you have changed, but offers the “good news” that he isn’t going to divorce you immediately, his words might not offer you the reassurance that he intended. This can feel like a very hollow victory. Sure, you may not end up divorced immediately, but you have a husband who may not love you like he should. And this can leave you wondering if there is any way at all to get the love back. Because it’s not ideal to live forever in a marriage with no love. Sure, you have your marriage, but it may feel like a marriage “in name only” in those circumstances.

Here’s how you might hear it described: “my husband and I got in a pretty heated argument last week and he yelled at me that he doesn’t think that we’re right for one another. Then, he really got worked up and started saying awful things to me – like we should have never gotten married in the first place and that he doesn’t love me anymore. I braced myself for him to tell me that he was filing for a divorce, but he never did. When I asked him what he was going to do about his unhappiness with our marriage, his response was ‘nothing for now. I don’t want to disrupt our kids’ lives and make us both live like paupers, but the thought of staying together doesn’t make me happy. And I’m sure you’re not happy. I’ll hang in there and stay the course for now because of our kids. But this isn’t a great way to live.’ I can’t even express how upsetting this was to me. Not only was it hard to hear that he didn’t love me, but he offered no solution. He gave no promises that we would get through this or work this out. He basically just made it sound like he would endure being married to me and wouldn’t divorce me. For now. My friend says that I should be a little reassured and feel some relief. But I don’t. I don’t see any reassurance in hearing my husband tell me that although he won’t immediately divorce me, he doesn’t really love me or want to be with me.”

The Silver Lining Of Time: I understand how hard this must be. And I also understand why it might be difficult to see any reassuring signs here. But I do see one. You have not been served with divorce papers. You are not having to call attorneys. You have been given reassurance that you do not have to act immediately.

So while you may not have emotional reassurance, you do have reassurance about one very important thing – time. Not every one has this. Many wives who reach out to me have already been served with divorce papers or have husbands who have already moved out. This can make the situation seem quite desperate.

You may feel as if you are in that desperate place right now. But, in reality, you do have time. Which means that you have the opportunity to turn this around. Will it be easy? Probably not. But is it possible? Yes, in some cases.

The Advantage Of Changing Tides: I know that it’s tempting to take him at his word and to believe that he doesn’t love you now and will never love you again. But I am proof that husbands who believe they don’t love their wives can change their minds eventually. It doesn’t magically happen. There is work to do. You have to be methodical. You have to be vigilant. You have to be attentive and skilled. You have to understand what is missing and what is wrong and replace or fix it.

But it can sometimes be fixed. And a husband who is reluctant to file for divorce might be sending an important message to his wife. Perhaps he is partially motivated by the children and money. But it’s possible that, even if he’s not admitting it to you or himself, he’s not filing because he’s not sure that a divorce is what he truly wants. Or he is hoping that some day, in some way, things might be different.

He may not know how to make things different. Or he may be afraid to even try to make things different. But who is to say that you can’t try? Who is to say that you can’t meet him half way?

Yes, it may be tricky at times when you’re wondering if he will be receptive to you. But if you don’t take a chance, you might never know if you could have saved your marriage. I used to worry a lot about being rejected or appearing to be the only one who cared about saving my marriage. Looking back, I realize how silly that was. My marriage was so important to me. I should not have let my own stubbornness get in my way. I finally realized that I should worry more about results and less about silly appearances. And this was the beginning of change.  You can read about that change on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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