Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: It’s very difficult when you are dealing with a spouse who wants a separation at a time when you’re never felt so strongly about saving your marriage. At that time, you’d often give almost anything for him to change his mind. But what if he does change his mind for seemingly no reason at all? Can you believe in this change of heart? Will he change his mind again one day and want the separation all over again?

A wife might say: “it seems like a lot of time has gone by, but honestly, it was only a couple of weeks ago when my husband told me that he wanted a separation. He was pretty cold about it. The fact is, I didn’t do anything wrong. Even he admitted that. I am a good wife. But he decided that he just didn’t want to be married anymore. Our house was his home before he got married so he said that it made the most sense for me to move out. I asked him if I could have a month in order to make a sound decision about where to live. He agreed to this. I was devastated, but I tried to handle it as best as I could. During that time, he was pretty chilly toward me. Well now, it’s a couple of weeks later and my husband is acting very differently. He’s being very nice. And he hasn’t mentioned my moving out. I’m certainly not going to bring it up. He acting very loving and last night he told me that I was his best friend in the world and that he didn’t want to lose me after all. I don’t know what to make of this. I’m glad he considers me his best friend. But obviously, last week’s behavior bothers me greatly. I worry that one day soon, he’ll swing the other way and suddenly decide that he doesn’t want to be married again. Why would he suddenly change his mind like this?”

The Reasoning: If I ventured a guess here, I would only be speculating. Only your husband might have some solid answers as to his actions, and even he may be confused.

But sometimes, people have regret when they push their spouse away or pursue a separation. Frankly, they can have a change of heart or wonder if they acted too quickly or too dramatically. Or, they can have regret at the way harsh and unfeeling way that they treated you. Perhaps they now realize that you deserved better.

The Reaction: I can understand not wanting to have a long conversation about this as you are afraid of drawing attention to his unhappiness when he might be changing his mind. But, if you’re not going to bring it up, then I would suggest watching very closely and looking for clues that might point you in the direction to his unhappiness.

I know that it’s tempting to tell yourself that this was just a fluke or that he just had a bad week. But, I think that there is a real risk in this. I think it would be smart to ask yourself why he suddenly felt that he didn’t want to be married anymore. Has your marriage turned a bit comfortable or stale? Has your personality differences come to a head? Does he feel that being married doesn’t give him the freedom to socialize with his friends or to explore his own interests?

I think that if you can pinpoint what might have caused him concern and then remove that obstacle, then you will be in a much better position. Because if you do nothing, then you’re right that one day his unhappiness may come up again. And then you may be revisiting the separation issue.

But if you address whatever is wrong now, you can have more confidence that you’ve addressed the problem. I’m not saying that you have to dwell on this or drill your husband while he seems perfectly content and so close to you that he’s calling you his best friend. But you can look for clues without making it a huge deal.

In my own situation, I had warning signs like this which I chose to ignore. I tried to convince myself that my husband was just going through a stressful time. This turned out to be the biggest mistake I could have made. Because we did end up separated and almost divorced. (You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com)  That’s why I never advocate ignoring talks of a break, separation, or divorce.

There’s nothing wrong with being relieved and thrilled that he seems to be changing his mind. But I think it would be a mistake to think that he can’t change it again. That’s why it makes sense to examine what might really be wrong.

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