Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from folks who now characterize their marriage as a “bad” one. Many of them see the irony in this because, early on, they would have insisted that their marriage was a good one. It’s often obvious how much your marriage has changed. But what might not be so obvious is whether or not it is possible to change it back.

Someone might ask: “is it ever possible to make a bad marriage good again? I honestly believe that my marriage used to be a very good one – even a great one. My husband and I have always had our differences, but we supported one another and we always felt connected. For the last couple of years though, I would characterize my marriage as pretty bad. It seems that we are always fighting. I wish I could tell you our central problem, but I can’t. We fight over tiny, stupid things. We can’t agree on anything. I always feel like he doesn’t appreciate or notice me. And he always feels like I’m nagging him. We don’t really talk anymore and I find myself going out with my friends instead of him. I don’t want our marriage to ultimately end. I still love him, but I can’t seem to relate to him. I’d like to make our marriage good again, but I don’t even know if that would be possible.”

Defining What You Mean By A ‘Bad’ Marriage: I think the ease in which you can make changes depends upon what you mean by a bad marriage. There are marriages in which the connection and the intimacy has waned, but where the respect and at least some affection is still there. And then there are marriages where one spouse disrespects the other or where the marriage is harmful to one or both. In my opinion, this is a much less healthy, and challenging, situation. Luckily, that is not what we are talking about here and this is not the type of “bad” marriage I am going to address.

When ‘Bad’ Means A Marriage That Has Lost Its Way: I’ll be talking about those marriages that started with two people who loved and respected one another very much but, somewhere down the line, the marriage sort of lost its way. When people tell me that they fight constantly but about nothing in particular, my first thought is always that they may be dancing around one central issue that they may or may not be aware of.

It’s very common for that central issue to be a loss of connection and intimacy. Somewhere along the line, the marriage stopped being the highest priority. Perhaps life got in the way, or some stressor that was no one’s fault demanded your full and only attention. Whatever the reason, it is very common for the fighting to start once the lack of attention causes the connection to end.

Understanding What The Fights Are Really About: People often pick fights or engage in heated conversation in an attempt – any attempt – to communicate with their spouse. They are trying to get a reaction simply because it is at least something. Often, people have no idea that they are doing this. They only know that they are fighting all of the time and they do not know how to stop.

In my experience, the first step is to just try to watch what is happening very objectively. What leads up to the fights? How do you react? Is there a pattern to them? Are they predictable? If you can identify the sequence in which they normally go, then you can formulate a plan to interrupt or stop that sequence.

The Reconnection Key: Another thing that you might want to consider is turning your attention to reconnecting. You may or may not want to tell your husband that you are doing this, depending on how receptive he will be. But many people find that if they make a very conscious effort to not feed into the negativity, to listen more than talk, and to really try to spend more positive time with their spouse without a lot of pressure, they will notice a huge difference in a very short period of time.

Frankly, your marriage is like any other relationship or aspect your life that is important to you. If you value it and you want to keep it healthy, you must take care of it. You can not expect your car to run at peak capacity if you don’t maintain it. Your garden won’t bloom if you do not fertilize it. Your friendships and family relationships can not thrive if you do not invest your time and your emotions into them.

Your marriage is not an exception. So many of us get complacent with time. We figure that once we have been together for a long time, these investment rules do not apply to us. We feel like we have put in our time and now we should get to coast. But where your marriage is concerned, you never get to coast. Any happily married couple will tell you this. The more you put into it, the more you will get out of it. The more you allow yourself to be vulnerable and honest, the more intimately connected you will feel to your spouse.

It took a marital separation to finally convince me that very few marriages are able to thrive (or even survive) through neglect. I assumed that our love would pull us through, but I almost lost my marriage because of this assumption. You can read it all on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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