Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: This is one of the most common questions that I hear. Many wives desperately want to reconcile with their separated husband. And they are willing to try many avenues in order to make that happen. The problem is that the husband often acts very disinterested in whatever is attempted.

So one might explain: “I am out of ideas on how to reconcile with my separated husband. I have asked him on dates. I have asked him to attend family functions. I’ve invited him to school functions. I’ve come over to his house unannounced wearing nothing underneath a coat. I’ve picked fights. I’ve tried being nice and I’ve tried being mean. Nothing works. I want to reconcile so badly. But I’m not sure how I will ever accomplish this when he is not interested in anything at all when it comes to me.”

What I’m about to give you are just observations and suggestions, so please take this for what it is worth. I’m not a counselor or mental health specialist and I do not know your husband. You would be the best judge of what sort of tactic he might be receptive to.  That said, let’s get down to it.

Consider It From Another Angle: Here are my insights, for what they are worth.  In my own case, I tried many of the things that you mention above. They got me nowhere. If anything, they just annoyed my husband and made things worse and worse for me. One day, it dawned on me that I was only considering what I wanted. Until then, I had never really considered what my husband wanted. And I figured that this might be the source of my problem. It’s just human nature to resist anyone who you think is self-centered and who is not listening to you.

Determining What He Really Wants Is Quite Helpful: So I asked myself what my husband really wanted. The fact of the matter is, he had told me EXACTLY what he wanted – many times, in fact. He said that he wanted space. I did not want to believe this. And I did not want to give him space. But I had to admit that my constantly reaching out to him was not working. It never had. And it seemed to be making things worse.

Carrying Out Any Strategy In A Believable Way: So I decided to try giving him what he wanted. Now, some people will do this very abruptly without explanation. They will go cold turkey, so to speak. I rejected this strategy because I thought my husband might perceive it as rude or punishing. And I was not sure that I could pull it off anyway.

So what I did instead was to visit my old hometown and put some distance between us. This gave him some space but it also gave me a legitimate reason for my actions and it meant that I literally could not just stop by, unless I wanted to drive hours to do so. I told my husband where I was going.  I was not disrespectful.

And frankly, after a short time of him getting his space, he started reaching out to me. This gave me an “in,” but it didn’t fix all of our problems.

I think when you are dealing with a reluctant spouse, you need to first figure out what they really want and then use that as a guide. Then I think that you need to make sure you aren’t coming on too strong or doing something that they are repeatedly rejecting.

Making The Most Of What You’ve Got: Once you’ve established your plan and you’re seeing progress, you have to make the very most of every opportunity you have. I know that you may not be seeing him regularly. But if you have the opportunity, try to talk at least occasionally. If you are no longer coming on too strong, you may find that he’s no longer as combative or disinterested. Once he gets a little more of what he has asked for, he will usually back off on the rejection because you’re no longer asking him to do what he doesn’t want to do.

Once you’ve made that kind of progress, resist the urge to fix every marital problem in order to rush toward a reconciliation. This is very delicate. You have to be deliberate and not push. In the beginning, just focus on getting him receptive again. Then, focus on the quality of your interactions – because they will ensure that the quantity of interaction improves also.

This is only my opinion. But in my own scenario, only when it was obvious that my husband was receptive and interested again would I attempt to tackle the “heavy lifting” so to speak where you go in and truly try to erase your martial problems. In the beginning, things are often a little awkward so your relationship may not withstand that type of scrutiny.  (Of course, when you are more stable, you can tackle the issues at a later time.)

Take it one step a time and move forward as you are able. I know that this requires patience and it may even seem a little risky. But you have to ask yourself if what you are doing now is working or not. If it truly isn’t, then it doesn’t make sense to keep going down a path that gets you further and further away from what you want.  If patience is a problem, use the time to work on yourself.  This will only benefit you.

I was reluctant to work on myself for quite a while.  I was afraid that if I turned my attention toward myself and away from constantly monitoring my husband, I might make things worse.  Nothing was further from the truth.  Backing away a little bit eventually made things better.  And I think if I had stayed on my old path, I might be divorced today.   The rest of the story is at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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