Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: When you are first separated, you sometimes fantasize about the day that you can start seeing your spouse on a romantic level again. For most people, this comes in the form of dates or outings. Many people (myself included) underestimate just how much worry is wrapped up in these outings. You would think that you would certainly know how to date your spouse with ease. After all, you are married to this person.

But things have changed. The marriage may be in trouble. So much is at stake. Things make be tense and awkward between you. And most of the time, you want it to work so badly that you put a lot of pressure on the situation, which only increases the awkwardness. So it can seem as if this one outing or this one date is of the utmost importance. We tend to trick ourselves into thinking that maybe we have this one chance with our spouse and we’d better make it special or it had better go well or we might end of divorced.  We place so much emphasis on that one date that we do not enjoy it.

Someone might describe it this way: “it’s taken me about three weeks to even get my separated husband to agree to see me outside of our home. I want to get together at least once a week to just reconnect. He was resistant to this for a while, but a couple of days ago, he agreed that we could go out Friday night. He said he would let me decide what I wanted to do. What I’d really like to do is for him to just come over to our home, eat dinner together, and make out or cuddle on the couch. But I know that I can’t ask him to do this. I know that he would say no. So what types of outings or dates are good while you are separated?”

Mistakes That I Found Out About Along The Way: I can tell you the types of things that worked well for me, although every one is different. I know that it is very tempting to do either one of two things –

1) try to arrange for a long trip that includes a sleep over; or

2) to try to do things that you used to enjoy as a couple while taking a trip down memory lane.

Both of these strategies have a bit of risk, although they do sometimes work.

I have found that the “weekend away” strategy is risky if things are awkward or a little strained between you . That’s just a lot of togetherness and if there aren’t clear boundaries about whether or not you’re continuing to sleep together, this can be very awkward, if not downright hurtful. Plus, if things go really badly, both people can think that a reconciliation just isn’t going to work. People start to worry that if they can’t even spend a weekend together, how are they going to spend the rest of their lives together?

This is unfortunate because sometimes, the couple certainly could have had a better experience and outcome if they would have just waited a little before trying this type of outing.

The other strategy (doing things you used to enjoy together) is also risky because this outing is already familiar to you, but when things “feel differently” people can read too much into it. Sure it is going to feel differently because things have drastically changed. I was careful with these types of outings because it was all just too familiar.

What Might Be A Better Idea: I think that the better call is finding situations where you can experience new and exciting things with your spouse. An amusement park. A tour where you learn something new.  A sporting event. A cooking class. An exhibit that allows you talk if you like but where talking is not really necessary.

I always found it a good idea to chose things where talking was possible, but not required. You want to be able to just have fun if things are tense or awkward so that you don’t have to struggle to feel those silences. And can just concentrate on enjoying yourself without a lot of pressure.

Of course, what types of activities in this category would appeal to you are going to depend on the personality of yourself and your spouse. Go with something you know that you’ll enjoy and don’t have to feel stress over. But at the same time, try to make sure it’s a little outside of your knowledge and comfort zone so that you have to pay attention and can take the focus off of the fact that things have changed and that there is so much at stake. You want to avoid placing pressure on the situation as much as you can. You want to focus on having fun with each other.

Relax When Things Feel Tense: If things start feeling a little awkward, try to just relax and not to make it worse. The goal is not to reconcile right on the spot. It is to end the night so that there is another date to come. You want to move slowly. You want for things to feel natural and effortless.

Don’t think about reconciling. at least on your date. Think about the next date. And the next. I know that I’m asking a lot. It’s natural to think about a reconciliation. But in my own experience, the second that you do this you sabotage yourself because you’ve ramped up the pressure. And pressure is one variable that can ruin your good time.

I truly had to force myself to move slowly when my husband and I began to see each other during our separation.  I truly wanted to push and rush, but I knew that I would sabotage myself if I did. You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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