Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: It’s not unusual for the spouses to fiercely disagree about a separation. Typically, one person knows that separating is the last thing they want, while the other believes it is the right thing to do.

The reluctant spouse almost always knows there will be lasting and deep regret if the separation turns into a divorce. And they may even try to warn the initiating spouse that regret is on the horizon, but they’re often ignored.

One of them might say, “I know that separating is probably the biggest mistake my husband and I will ever make. I know that because it’s obvious this separation puts us at a real risk of getting a divorce. And I know for a fact that I would regret divorcing more than anything I’ve ever done in my life. I know plenty of people who regret their divorces and wish they could have a do-over. But when I try to warn my separated husband about this, he won’t listen. He thinks I’m just trying to selfishly get him to see things my way, but I’m honestly trying to protect both of us. What am I missing? What can I tell him to change his mind? What can I list as the most common regrets people have about separating and then divorcing?”

I have to tell you frankly that I can’t speak from personal experience exactly because at the last hour, I was able to save my separated marriage from divorce. However, I’ve seen and spoken with many people who deeply regret their divorce. And I believe there are actually three main themes that people regret. They are as follows:

Not Giving it Your All, Letting it Slip Away, and Losing the Most Important Person in Your Life:  If you stop and think about your marriage and your spouse, it’s impossible to overstate how important this relationship is to you. Your spouse is your next of kin. Your best friend. The love of your life. They are the person you’d trust to make medical decisions for you if you couldn’t make them for yourself. They are the person you trust to face life challenges with – illness, financial changes, growing older, and a changing world. Once that relationship is erased, you are starting over. And you’ve lost that pillar of support you have come to count on. You’ll lose that important relationship that you’ve so carefully built. 

I know many people who never seriously dated again after they divorced. Sure, they had a couple of relationships, and they gave casual dating an honest try. But in truth, no one came close to the type of relationship they had with their spouse, so the rest just felt futile.  

I also know people who go through life changes or even wonderful surprises and still say they’d give anything to share it with their ex-spouse because, as things stand, it feels like their ex-spouse was present one day and gone the next. And it’s jarring. 

They Regret the Impact on the Kids and Other Extended Family:  As weird as it may sound, separating and perhaps divorcing impacts others besides just the couple. If there are children involved, seeing their parents’ relationship change can have a profound impact on them, their childhood, and the way they view relationships.  

Also, quite often, the spouses have developed close relationships with extended family members. I know in my own case, I felt as close as siblings and parent/child to some of my husband’s relatives. And the thought of losing those relationships was just a double blow at an already-terrible time. 

It can feel like not only are you losing a marriage, but you are also losing some of your family.

The Pain of Watching the Trajectory of Your Life Change and Potentially Seeing Him With Someone Else:  On the day we married, most of us were able to clearly see our future and the path that was laid out before us. We wanted that future so very badly.

However, when separated or divorced, that future must change. And with that change, it can feel as if you’re entire life is now compromised. You’re not getting the life you were promised. You’re not getting the future you were promised. And that slight shift could change other aspects of your life in a negative way.

You may also have to muddle through new, awkward relationships that just don’t measure up or provide the emotional safety and security that you had.

You may have to watch as your spouse meets someone else and sets an entirely new course and new path. That may be very painful. 

As you see all of this take place, you might feel regret that you didn’t try harder, give more, or show more patience. But of course, then it is too late.

What to Do With All This Regret: I hesitated to list all of the above, because I don’t want it to all lead to sorrow. I want it to be a preventative instead. 

While you cannot control what your husband thinks about all of this, you can control yourself. YOU are able to try as hard as you can, show patience, and give more.  

YOU can work on yourself, bide your time, and try to maintain a positive relationship with your spouse – even if that relationship doesn’t look the way you want it to right now. 

If you can keep a decent relationship, you can always try to gradually rebuild. That’s a much better option than just watching your marriage drift away.

I used this gradual strategy to eventually get my marriage back.  And it looked bleak for quite a while.  But I stuck with it.  And I was eventually rewarded and am still married today. You can read more at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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