Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I hear from a lot of wives who are dealing with husbands who have announced that they don’t want to live together anymore. Some of these husbands want to pursue a divorce. Some want a separation. Others just want “a break” or “some space.” And a few want to remain married but would prefer to live apart and under separate roofs.

There is one thing that many of these wives have in common. They want to know what their husband is thinking. They want to know what would make a husband suddenly want to discard his cozy, warm, and loving home and live on his own. This feels like a serious rejection and something that could become permanent. Many of these wives say things like: “I do not understand my husband’s thought process. I don’t deny that we have been having martial problems. No one can deny that. Things have been very tense in our house. However, we’ve had issues before and we’ve been able to work through them. No matter how bad things get between us, I would never abandon my husband or move out. I am mature enough to stay put and to fight through it. Plus I am practical enough to know that paying for two homes is just silly. Things don’t need to be that extreme. But my husband apparently thinks that things are so intolerable that this is exactly what we need to do. He’s rented a cheap, studio apartment in a not-so-great part of town. He won’t say that we are separated. And he swears that he hasn’t contacted an attorney. But when I ask him why he’s going to these extremes, he will only say that he thinks that we need some time apart. He will give me no specifics. He will only talk in generalities about how he feels that this is what he needs to do. My neighbor and her husband remained married but lived apart for five years because they could not get along. I pray that this is not my future. I don’t understand what would make one spouse want to live apart from another. Can you explain it to me?”

I will do the best that I can. I freely admit that I never had this thought process myself. I very much wanted to save my marriage and to stay together under the same roof. It was my husband who insisted on living apart, at least for a little while. Because of that, I’ve talked to some men and have done a good deal of research on this. I can share what I’ve learned. Below are some of the common reasons that men will give for wanting to live apart from their wives.

A Living Situation That Needs To Temporarily Change: In some situations, things have become so tense at home that a husband would rather live somewhere strange and small than to continue to live with tension and drama in a familiar setting. Sometimes, he just reaches his level of tolerance for the fighting and he wants a break from it. Even though he knows that any change is going to cause additional expense and pain, he convinces himself that it will all be worth it so that he doesn’t have to continue to experience the turmoil. Plus, he figures that if he can pause things for a little while, maybe things will calm down and improve.

He Wants You To Take His Wishes Seriously: Many men take the very drastic measure of moving out as a way to play hard ball. They are trying very hard to get your attention because they are trying to bring about some change and they have come to believe that it is going to take something very drastic to bring about this change. If there is any good news with this scenario, it’s that sometimes if the change happens before they actually move out, they won’t actually leave. Or if it happens soon after they leave, they will consider coming back.

A Change In Perception (Which Often Occurs At Midlife) Encourages Him To Think That He Might Be Happier On His Own: Many men begin to change their perceptions when they take inventory of their lives at midlife. While many of us call this a midlife crisis, men who are dealing with it see it as almost an awakening. Many believe that they are honestly taking stock of their lives and discarding what no longer works. Some of them go through a phase (which is hopefully temporary) where they think that their marriage is part of the problem. Some of them move out and come to realize that they were wrong in this perception. But they often will insist on moving out so that they can see for themselves.

If your husband is thinking he no longer wants to live with you or has already moved out, try not to panic. Because panic will sometimes cause you to take action that you will later regret. Sometimes, the best thing to do is to be calm, to be patient, and to know that sometimes this passes on its own. In the meantime, you don’t want to take a hard stance that is going to cause your husband to avoid you or to argue with you. Instead, you want him to feel comfortable and encouraged to reach out to you, because this is what is going to pave the way for a reconciliation later on. Not all moves like this one are permanent. Many are not. But it can be important that you play this correctly.

I was where you are today and I most definitely did not play it correctly.  I tried to guilt my husband into coming back.  When that didn’t work, I was combative, so he simply avoided me.  I dug such a hole for myself that it was very hard to change course.  But I eventually did.  And this change in strategy helped me save my marriage.  There’s more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who know that they were very, very close to getting a divorce. They were so close, in fact, that their husband actually went through the trouble of finding and retaining an attorney, drawing up the paper work, and then filing it. The wife was served. The divorce was started. But then, somewhere along the way, something happened to cause the husband to change his mind.

Most of the time, the wife is extremely relieved because she never wanted a divorce to begin with. But she’s also very wounded by what has happened. Quite understandably, she doubts this new change of heart. And she wonders how she can ever trust that her husband is going to be happy and actually want the marriage. She worries that her marriage is going to be forever damaged by this.

She might say: “about four weeks ago, my husband mentioned separating. This was bad enough. At that time, I was so naive and I had no idea how bad things could get. So I begged him to put off the separation. At that time, I thought that this was all I had to worry about. Not only did he not put off the separation, but he decided that a separation was not enough. He went ahead and retained an attorney and filed for divorce. When I asked him why he skipped right over a separation and went directly to a divorce, he said that he was just trying to avoid wasting time and money. He figured a separation would fail and that we would end up divorced anyway. Just as I was looking for my own attorney, my husband abruptly told me that he might be reconsidering. So I held off, but I had my suspicions as to his motivations.  When pressed, my said that he just kept thinking about our kids and he felt that he might have been too abrupt. Since he never moved out, there wasn’t any adjustment that really needed to be made – except for a mental one. Because frankly, I am so hurt that he filed for divorce. I feel so rejected. And I know that it’s important that we try to heal as soon as possible. I know that if I let my pain and anger show, this is going to hurt my marriage and I might end up divorced down the road. But my thoughts are all over the place. And I’m afraid that he doesn’t really want this marriage anyway and that he’s only going to stay because of the kids – but he really won’t be happy staying.

I understand your concern. I went through a pretty rough separation that I was sure would lead to a divorce. And I felt exactly as you describe – rejected. When my husband and I reconciled, I was initially very afraid that one day the shoe would drop and my husband would make the firm decision to divorce me. In short, I worried that we might really try our best, only to fail and divorce in the end.

By as I dwelled on these thoughts, I realized that they were sabotaging my happiness and optimism and were probably making it more likely that what I feared most was going to happen. When you are always worrying, you can’t actively participate in the moment and contribute what might improve your marriage. It can be very scary to get your hopes up. It can be terrifying to let your guard down.

But I think that you have to focus on the fact that he DID choose to call off the divorce. Even though he invested time and money, he still decided to backtrack and go a different route. And that’s pretty significant and means that he likely had doubts that were persuasive enough to give him enough pause that he totally changed course. That’s something to be a bit optimistic about. Because at least that gives you a chance. Now you have to decide what to do with that chance.

My suggestion would be to give it everything that you have despite your fears. I know that it is scary. But allowing yourself to be vulnerable to restore the intimacy is better than allowing yourself to be divorced. Definitely look at what caused your husband to be so unhappy in the first place and do everything in your power to fix it or to make positive changes. But don’t put all of your focus on what is wrong (and your fear of the problems.) Try to spend an equal amount of time focusing on what is right – and the fact that he ultimately did not go through with the divorce. Don’t sabotage yourself by being afraid of the future. Reward yourself by being grateful for the opportunity of today. You were still married. You have a husband who has enough doubt about divorcing to try to make things right. Yes, you have a lot of work and some uncertainty ahead of you – but at least it is a chance and not a sure divorce. Now it is time to make the most of it.

There was a time when a divorce was my absolute worst fear and I focused on that all of the time.  Looking back, placing on my focus on my fear was a mistake.  Once I figured out that it was better to place my focus on improvement rather than fear, things changed.  This change lead to a reconciliation and is one reason why we are still together today.  You can read more about that process on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: It’s not unusual for me to hear from people who literally feel their romantic view of their spouse starting to wane. To some extent, this is somewhat normal and expected. So many things in our lives compete for our attention that martial romantic feelings need to be actively nurtured in order to thrive.

What is a little more rare is to hear from the person who insists that they have absolutely no romantic feelings whatsoever for their spouse. This is often a change from what they felt early in their marriage. Someone might explain: “I really hate to say this. But I am going to say it because it is true. I do not have romantic feelings for my husband. I have suspected this for a time, but last night, I realized that I was 100% sure of it. I went and saw a romantic comedy with my best friend and the heroine in the movie was so desperately in love. The couple spent the entire movie attempting to move heaven and earth just to be together. Honestly, it has been a very long time since I felt that way about my husband. I told my friend this fact and I honestly expected her to tell me that she felt the same way in her marriage, but she didn’t. She said that she got to a point where she felt that way in her first marriage, but then assured me that in her second marriage, she feels completely different. She said that she was not emotionally suited to her first husband, but she is suited to her second husband – which has apparently ensured an endless amount of romantic feelings. It’s very confusing to me because I really don’t have much interest in finding a second husband. If I divorce, I just don’t want to be married again – only to feel empty and disappointed later. The thing is, I am fully aware that my husband is a great guy. He truly is. I have affection for him. If he was sick, I would be beside myself worrying about him. I want the best for him and I do enjoy spending time with him. We’re great companions. But I don’t feel that heart-racing, pulse-pounding feeling that people who are experiencing romantic love feel. And that makes me feel as if I am missing out on something. At the same time, perhaps I am just not capable of that. I’ve never been someone who goes overboard emotionally. I am very reserved. But I worry that this lack of romantic love means the end of my marriage.”

I absolutely understand the concern. And I also understand why you feel sort of alone in this. The media loves to perpetuate the fantasy ideal of giddy, romantic love that few of us see for a long period of time in our own lives. That’s why we go to movies or read books about the same. We want it, but so few of us have it – at least that is what we have been lead to believe. It’s sort of the same reason we guiltily watch celebrities on reality TV. We want to see the ideal – because we don’t think that we can ever have it.

My Perceptions About Romantic Love: Here is what I have come to believe. And although my beliefs are my own, they are hard-won because they can only after I nearly lost my own marriage, in part because of unrealistic idealizations and perceptions. To me, real, romantic love means hanging in there and staying put even when things aren’t ideal. It means that you are in a committed relationship with a high quality person whom you genuinely care for and are compatible with.  If those criteria are met, you fight for the romantic love, because in my experience, it can most definitely come back.

For the most part, it leaves because of familiarity and a bit of neglect. It’s why newlyweds in first marriages and people in their second marriages have stars in their eyes – it’s all still so fresh and new. Their undivided attention is still on it. Their eyes are still on the prize. But few people can keep up that type of intensity forever. And so eventually, their mind wanders to things like their children, their job, their aging parents, and their own interests.

Of course, the light is going to fade somewhat over the course of many years. To keep things fresh and to keep the perception somewhat new, you truly do have to fight to keep your marriage in the forefront. This doesn’t magically happen on its own no matter how passionately you initially love your spouse or how committed you are to them. People who love each other very, very much lose their way sometimes. But if you care for and admire your husband, then it’s certainly worth trying to get the feelings back. I’m proof that it’s possible, although I have learned that it is a loosing game to compare yourself to other couples – and especially to popular media. The marriage that works for you and makes you happy is the marriage that you want, not an unrealistic ideal that is only meant to sell movie tickets. Real life doesn’t work like the movies. But that doesn’t mean that the trenches can’t be just as sweet. There is something very sweet about holding hands and standing together, even when the going gets tough.

There’s more about how my husband and I got the romantic love back – even after our separation – on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  One of the most common topics that I hear about is an inequity of affection between two spouses.  Every one wants to feel special, valued, and understood.  And when enough times goes by that your spouse isn’t feeling these things, he will probably eventually tell you.  Sometimes he tells you with words.  Other times he tells you with actions.  Sometimes, you get both actions and words.   This can seem very unfair when, in your mind, you love him very much and make every attempt to show him.

A wife could explain this type of scenario: “my husband has always been insecure in our relationship.  I think that he is good looking, but he does not.  He has always said that people probably don’t know what I see in him.  It’s true that I had a lot of boyfriends before him and men still look at me quite often.  But I honestly try not to notice this, because I don’t care about it.  I’m married.  I’m committed.  As far as I’m concerned, it isn’t necessary to think about this.  But my husband thinks about it a lot.  And it seems that he has himself convinced that I don’t love him enough.  He has a lot of friends and coworkers who are married to younger second wives and these bimbos fall all over their husband and bow to his every whim.  I would never do that.  I have more intelligence and dignity than that.  I tell my husband that I love him all of the time.  We have been married for many years, so obviously this would not be the case if I did not love him.  Still, he will point out times where he says I wasn’t attentive enough or where I didn’t pamper him enough or notice that something was going on with him.  He was angry that I didn’t take off of work to attend a conference with him.  If I don’t ask about an important presentation at his job, he says I don’t care enough to notice what is happening in his life.  This is a bit silly to me, as I have my own work life and I certainly don’t expect him to know every single thing that happens at my own work or to react to it. However, I feel like I have to listen to him because he’s increasingly started making little comments about separating or just accepting the fact that he should have known early on that our marriage would never work.  I want our marriage to work, but I still think his claims are silly.  I love him more than enough, but he’s insecure and he has it in his head that he isn’t attractive or doesn’t deserve me.  His perceptions aren’t my fault.”

I can understand your frustration.  It can be annoying to watch someone project their own securities onto you when you really don’t deserve that. It’s certainly not your fault that he has always felt a little unsure about himself.  Still, at the end of the day, you have to ask yourself which would be worse – to potentially separate or divorce and not have your spouse at all or to find small ways to boost his confidence and to make him feel loved.  If you’re still invested in your marriage, it is probably the later.

Sometimes, you don’t have to go over the top to boost his confidence and to show a little more affection.  Sometimes, all he is looking for is effort.  It’s certainly worth it to try  – every single day – to notice something to compliment him about.  This is a very small effort that can pay huge dividends.  You also want to make sure that you are showing physical affection regularly.  Brushing his hand, putting your arm around him, or giving him a hug or kiss literally takes a few seconds, but might mean that you hear him complain a whole lot less.

I know that it’s probably very tempting to try to make him see that he’s being very petty and insecure.  But honestly, this type of conversation might make him even MORE insecure.  The best antidote for an insecure spouse is to try to build up his confidence.  I know that this might seem as if you are giving him exactly what he wants, but try to see it from his side.  How would you feel if you thought he was better looking than you and if you perceived that everyone thought that you weren’t good enough for him and that you did not deserve him?  That might be how your husband feels right now.  Add that to the fact that he doesn’t perceive that you are showing the affection that he wants, and he’s likely hurting quite a bit (whether it is justified or not.)

If you can keep reminding yourself that his pleas are based on his own fear and not on any true and accurate reflection of you, then it is easier to approach him with empathy and patience.  Just remind yourself that at the heart of this is a person who, deep down, is afraid of losing you.  This perspective makes it easier to offer him reassurance.  That’s potentially all he is looking for, although his method isn’t a great one.

I honestly wish I’d listened to what I thought were petty complaints by my own husband.  I thought he was being silly, so I waited for things to blow over.  But my husband was very serious in his complaints and we ended up separated as the result. We almost divorced, until I figured out a way to turn things around. There’s more about that on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: We separated wives often see our reconciliation as the start of the end game. What I mean by that is that we can spend a lot of time thinking that if we can just come up with the magic formula to get our separated husband to reconcile with us, it will hopefully be smooth sailing from there and we will never have to revisit this separation business – ever again.

Well, that’s a lovely thought. But it is not the reality for some of us. Sometimes, when your husband comes back and you begin your reconcilation, it truly is only the beginning.  And it is anything but smooth sailing. Sometimes, it can actually seem as if things are worse than they were before the separation.

Someone might ask: “do things get worse before they get better when you are trying to reconcile? All during our separation, I kept telling myself that if I could just make it where we got along better, then we might have the chance to reconcile. I worked very hard on this. I made a lot of adjustments and concessions. And things did start to improve for us – so much so that my husband agreed to reconcile. I was so happy. It was as if I won the jackpot. I thought that we would get along just great when my husband moved back in and that we could quickly put this behind us. But we are fighting as much as we did – if not more – as before the separation. My husband says that I nag him. He says that I give him no space. But I thought that the whole space thing was only during the separation? Why shouldn’t a husband who has just reconciled with his wife need space? Shouldn’t he want to compensate for the time away? I’m actually so discouraged by this. At this rate, we will end up separated again. Do things get worse before they get better?”

They can. And there are a couple of potential reasons for this. First, people can rush into the reconciliation for some very legitimate reasons. They can very understandably miss one another and legitimately think that reconciling is the best alternative. There could be kids involved and both parents could think that a reconciliation is best for the kids. And let’s not forget how expensive it is to support two households. There is often a financial incentive to reconcile.

It’s completely understandable to want to reconcile as soon as possible. I know that I did. But when you rush things, then you bypass working through your initial issues and you likely haven’t learned any new skills that will help to bridge the gap when the old issues come back up again. One way to try to ease through this is to do the reconciliation gradually. Since he has already moved back in, you’ll have to do a variation on this, but the idea is that he begins coming home on weekends and then gradually adds in more time until he is living back with you full time. Each time you run into issues, you take things slowly until it feels right to move forward again.

Since you’re already living together full time, it’s not that surprising that he’s complaining about space, as there was no gradual change between him living alone and living with you again full time. In order to address that, you may want to be more liberal about giving him his space. If you need to, there is nothing wrong with allowing him to spend time in a spare room so that he feels like he’s getting more alone time. That is certainly better than the alternative of having him move out again. If you find that you are getting on one another’s nerves or things aren’t going well, take a break.

Regardless of whether these pauses work, you want to make a point of working through whatever issues remain between you. The issues are usually easy to see when conflict comes up. It’s important that you do this. Because until you do, you will likely find yourself living with the same issues over and over again. And until you finally solve those issues, then they continue to erode your marriage.

If you are not able to work through these issues on your own, then there’s nothing wrong with getting counseling or exploring self help. It’s very important to do whatever is needed to smooth the way during a reconciliation. The last thing you want is for it to fail. Because each time it fails, it gets harder to be successful the next time. People get discouraged over time and sometimes they begin to think that maybe they would just be better off divorced. This isn’t what you want, so it makes sense to do whatever you need to do right now.

But to answer the original question, couples can certainly have bumps in the road when they try to reconcile, but to have things worse before they are better is a red flag that should get your attention so that you can fix things.

As I alluded to, my husband and I reconciled gradually.  If we had tried to reconcile when things were not fixed, I’m sure that we would have struggled.  As it was, we had a few issues, but nothing that was a deal breaker.   You can read more about how we reconciled on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  When you walk down the aisle and say “I do” to your spouse, you are likely anticipating the good days ahead of you.  It is just human nature to focus on future pleasure and to minimize the possibility of future pain.  So for those of us are said the “for richer and poorer” or the “in sickness and in health” vows, most of us were focused on the hope that, for the most part, we’d be experiencing our marriage in health and in richness rather than in poverty and illness.  In short, very few of us want to envision hard times on our wedding day.  Most of us want to believe that it is going to be a life of happiness, health, and prosperity ahead.

But then real life sets in.  I know very few married couples that do not have to deal with hardship at some point during their marriage.  There will almost always be some money issues or health scares or even marital issues.  There will be life changes like job loss, career change, and the shifting of values or life goals.  These things can be hard enough to navigate when you are single, but they are especially tricky to coordinate when there are two people to think about.  Ideally, these challenges will bond the couple and their marriage will be stronger as a result.  But this is not what always happens.  Sometimes, one or both spouses struggle when tough times hit.  And worse, there are times when one spouse jumps ship at the first sign of trouble rather than sticking it out.

Here’s an example.  A wife might say: “I am so disappointed in my husband.  He was so in love with me when things were great.  He adored me when we were living in a beautiful home and I was making great money so that he had the luxury of having the job that he wanted.  Things were wonderful and we felt secure enough to try to have children.  We tried for a long time, but found that we needed help.  So we have been consulting fertility specialists.  None of this is cheap, but at that time, we had the means to do this.  Still, not being able to easily conceive put a strain on our marriage.  That was probably the first chink in the armour.  However, after we had unsuccessfully spent huge amounts of money on fertility and still were not pregnant, I lost my job.  I really thought that this would only be a temporary set back. I dutifully tried for another job, but had trouble finding one.  All of the jobs that were being offered barely allowed my husband and myself to live above poverty.  So it soon became apparent that the only way for me to make a reasonable salary was to return to school, as I never finished my degree.  This means that my husband and myself have to live in campus housing.  I know that this isn’t ideal, but sometimes, we do what we have to do.  Once I have my degree, we will be in a much better position.  Unfortunately, my husband did not give me that chance.  He told me that he didn’t want to live in a glorified dorm and he wasn’t sure that he wanted to remain married, either.  He’s basically left me all alone with the fertility treatments and a new life.  I think that says something horrible about his character – that he would up and leave at the first sign of trouble.  I would not ever do this to him. I also found out that I am diabetic.  It’s not life threatening, but a little support sure would have been nice.  My husband insists that he doesn’t know if this separation is going to be permanent.  But I’m not sure how I will even respond to him if and when he comes crawling back.  He loved me when I was successful and he doesn’t when I’m not.  What kind of spouse does this?”

Not Everyone Is Great In A Crisis And Your Spouse Might Regret His Behavior Later: I completely understand your pain.  You feel abandoned at the time when you need your spouse’s support the most.  And it hurts to stand on your own when you feel so vulnerable. That said, this kind of fleeing isn’t completely uncommon.  Some people are very good and very supportive in a crisis.  Others are not.  Some people become so overwhelmed that they feel that they are doing more harm than good.  And so they back away.  Sometimes, they end up regretting the abandonment and they come back and beg for forgiveness.

Juggling A Very Challenging Situation By Prioritizing Yourself: Unfortunately, a lot happened in your life all at once.  It is a lot to take in.  It’s not just a job loss or the medical issues of conceiving / diabetes or moving along with a huge lifestyle change.  It is all of these things combined into one all at once.  The combination would be a lot to take in for almost anyone.  Of course, we all want the spouse who is going to take it all like a champion, have our backs, and be more concerned about our well being than his own. And you may get that – eventually.  But right now it sounds as if you have a husband who is overwhelmed.  And you have to decide how to deal with both him and with your own situation.

I would find someone  – a family member or friend – who is good in crisis and lean and those who love you.  Frankly, you need to take care of your own physical and mental well being first.  Your husband is not the one with a medical issue.  He will hopefully come around. But until then, you must take care of yourself.  If you are still invested in your marriage, there is absolutely nothing wrong with keeping the lines of communication open.  There’s no reason to put off college or bettering yourself – career wise.  Your career needs attention regardless of what happens with your marriage. Hopefully, your husband will come around and when he does, you will be making strides in other areas of your life.  If he does not come around, there is nothing wrong with seeking counseling – either for yourself or as a couple.  It’s perfectly understandable to need some help in dealing with all the things that have dropped into your lap.

In the meantime, keep right on putting one foot in front of the other.  Deal with one thing at one time.  The dust will eventually settle and your husband may come around. But if not, you will know that you handled this in a way that you can be proud of.  My husband’s actions when we first separated were nothing to write home about.  He was very uncaring.  I changed my attitude toward him and his behavior completely changed.  You can read more on my blog at  http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  I sometimes hear from wives whose husbands are strongly considering a separation, but who are also torn about the idea. So sometimes, the husband will do something to incite the wife to take the action that will push him out.  That way, he doesn’t need to feel guilty and he can feel justified in his actions.  One example of this is trying to get the wife to kick him out of the house. The wife may not understand why he’s taking this type of passive aggressive stance.  She might say: “my husband has talked about a separation for the past eight weeks.  I am pretty sure that he went and saw an attorney.  And I know that he is looking at apartments. So it’s clear that he wants to move out and to separate.  I have made it clear that although this is not what I want, I don’t intend to fight him on it.  However, he seems reluctant to make a move.  Instead, he picks fights with me and then when I get angry he will say ‘well, are you going to kick me out of the house, then?’  The other day when I was walking my dogs, my neighbor stopped me and said she was sorry to hear about my difficulties at home.  When I asked her what she was talking about, she confessed that my husband had told her own husband that I was in the process of kicking him out of the house.  None of this is true.  I’m pretty certain that he is the one who wants to leave, but he seems to make me want to take the initiative to throw him out.  Why?”

Perhaps He’s Looking For Justification And A Way To Ease His Conscience: I am not an attorney, so I won’t be looking at this from a legal angle and I can only guess at your husband’s motivations.  But sometimes, the husband doesn’t want to feel like the bad guy who moves out and abandons his wife, so it is easier for him psychologically if he feels “pushed out” so that it will appear like he had less of a choice.   This makes you the bad guy.  And gives him a little justification to balance out the guilt.

He May Just Be Looking For Reassurance: Another possibility is that he is trying to incite fights in the hope that you will reassure him that you love him and that his moving out isn’t what you want.  For whatever reason, people will sometimes try to push for exactly the opposite of what they want in the hopes that their spouse will make a dramatic plea to change their mind.  Deep down, saving the marriage is what your spouse wants, but he wants to save face and doesn’t necessarily want to be the one who says this.

Whatever the reason, you certainly don’t have to kick him out if this is not what you want to do.  No one can make you do it.  And if you think it helps, you can try a response like: “No, I don’t intend to kick you out because I am not the one who wants to separate.  I thought that I had been pretty clear on that. If you decide that you want to go, then that will be your decision alone.  I don’t like having conflict between us, but I’d rather stay put and try to work out our conflict rather than running away.  But that is just the way that I feel about it.   You will have to decide your own stance.  I can tell you that I would be willing to do whatever it takes to heal this, but whether you want to accept that and work with me is up to you. If you’re waiting for me to kick you out so that you feel justified in leaving, know that it isn’t going to happen. I want it to work between us, so I have no motivation to want for you to live somewhere else.”

This will accomplish two things for you.  You’ll have made it clear that no matter how long he waits or what drama he tries to pull, you aren’t going to give him what it appears that he wants – at least in terms of kicking him out.  And, just in case he’s trying to use reverse psychology and entice you to beg him to stay, you’ve stopped short of that but have reassured him that you want to work it out.  You’ve covered the bases that you can and so you have to hope that he gets the message and stops with all of the posturing.

He can’t make you force him out.  You can choose to stand your ground and then he will be left with the decision as to whether he truly wants to leave.  When and if he makes that decision, it will be his alone and he will have to own it.  My husband did decide to leave and I certainly did not kick him out.  Reconciling was really hard, until I learned how to evaluate what worked and what didn’t.  Once I figured that out, saving my marriage became a possibility and then a reality. You can read more about that on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Sometimes, when our husbands tell us that they aren’t happy or that they may want a separation, we worry that no matter what he says or does, he has already checked out of our marriage. Even when he backtracks and tells us that he will ‘try’ to help us save our marriage, we worry that he’s just giving us lip service and that the only thing that he is really going to ‘try’ to do is to get out as soon as it is feasible to do so.

To that end, we wives watch our husbands for any indication that he might actually want to save our marriage and is therefore actively trying to do the same, but it isn’t always clear what we should be looking for. As an example, someone might explain: “I am very grateful that I am not separated right now. For several weeks, my husband told me that he wanted to move out and he looked at apartments. My sole priority during that time was to change his mind. I told him that I knew that if we both tried really hard, we could save our marriage. I asked him if he really wanted to be alone. I finally wore him down and he reluctantly agreed that he would not move out right away and would ‘try’ to save our marriage. And I was thrilled with that. But after a few weeks, I’m not so thrilled. Because I literally do not see anything different. I don’t see him acting any differently than he did before. I am acting differently. I’m trying to be more kind and patient. Thankfully, he seems to be responding pretty well to this. But he isn’t doing anything himself. Sometimes I think that maybe I am just too pessimistic and that maybe he is trying, but I’m just missing his efforts. What are the signs of a man who is really trying to save his marriage?”

I’ll list some of the signs below, but know that not every man is going to exhibit every sign. The types of efforts that a man puts forward is going to depend on his personality. Still, you want to see at least some changes and some effort, even if they aren’t what you quite expected or hoped for.

He Is On His Good Behavior: Most of us change our behavior when we know that doing so will get us closer to what we want. You said yourself that you’ve tried to have more patience. You want to see similar changes in your husband. Now, it’s probably unrealistic to see someone totally change their personality. You probably won’t see someone who is reserved by nature suddenly become comfortable with public affection. You probably won’t see a man who is soft spoken suddenly become boisterous. But you should see him making an effort that is alignment with his personality, even if he steps outside of his comfort zone a little.

He’s Checking In With You: A man who truly wants to save his marriage is invested in his wife’s experience during this process. Even if your marriage is struggling, if he’s invested, he will ask you how you are doing and what he might do to help. It’s probably unrealistic to expect this on a daily basis, but you should at least see that type of concern some of the time.

He At Least Tries To Stop Or Slow The Behaviors That Are Hurting Your Marriage: Most of us can at least somewhat identify our roles or the parts that we have played in the struggles of our marriage. You realized that you needed to be more patient. Your husband should have some self awareness and then act on it. For example, if his constantly staying out with friends puts pressure and strain on your marriage, you should see him try to rein this in somewhat.

He Is Seeking Out Whatever Will Help You: A man who really wants to save his marriage will look for ways to make it happen. Again, how he goes about this will depend on his personality. Some will do research. Some will find a counselor. Some will read self help. Others will seek advice from friends, family members, or clergy. Most people will reach out to others when they have a problem that they really want to solve.

You probably won’t see all of these behaviors at once and you don’t necessarily need to assume that he’s not interested in saving your marriage if you don’t see these behaviors right this minute. But you want to eventually see some of them (or at least your husband’s own version of them, even if his version is flawed.) Sometimes, it does take some time to see changed behaviors as both parties process their feelings.

It is sometimes helpful to seek out self help or a counselor that can help to keep you on track. It’s one thing to agree to try to save your marriage, but very few of us are mental health counselors and have the skills to make that happen. So it can help to have a check list of things to be working on so that you can methodically improve your marriage rather than just standing still. It can be hard for some couples to just “feel their way” or ” go with the flow” when trying to save their marriage. And I feel like marriage is too important an issue to just leave to chance. When my husband and I just “waited to see what would happen” during our own separation, it was a disaster and this almost caused a divorce.  I had to learn to be very proactive.  There’s more to this story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  When you’re going through a separation, you often think that if you could get your spouse to love you just a little bit more, then you might be able to inspire a reconciliation.  Some of us become so desperate that we will come right out and ask our spouse what it will take for him to love us again, only to be told that he still loves us, but that love is not enough to keep us together right now.  Some separated spouses are honest about the fact that not only is the love not quite there, but it is not just going to magically reappear unless something happens first.

Someone might explain: “I will admit that I have not been the greatest wife in the world – especially over the past year or so.  But my husband hasn’t been so perfect, either.   I have taken my husband for granted and it turns out that he’s been having a hard time emotionally.  He didn’t tell me, but I should have taken an interest and I should have known.  When he finally did tell me, I only took it seriously when it was too late to really do anything about it.  He had already gotten tired of waiting and he left and declared that we were separated.  Of course I’m trying to make this up to him, but now he is started to hint that it is too little too late.  And I am starting to panic. In frustration, I asked him if he even felt a little bit of love for me any more and his response was that I am going to have to ‘earn his love back.’  I don’t even know what this means.  In my opinion, you either love someone or you do not. I can’t get over the connotation of ‘earning’ being clocking in at a job and doing labor.  How do you earn someone’s love?  And should you really have to do this if you are married to someone?  I mean, I know that we are separated, but we are still married.”

Read Between The Lines To See What He Is Really Saying: I am not sure that it’s best to think of this in literal terms right now.  I think that what your husband is trying to tell you is that he feels that you let him down in terms of being there for him and giving him support.  And now that you are wanting reassurance from him, he is finding it hard to provide that without getting something in return.  Instead, he wants to see certain behaviors from you.  This is very common.  And the reason that you might be seeing this hesitation is that he felt rejected and disappointed before, so he is reluctant to leave himself vulnerable again.  By asking you to “earn” the love, he’s really asking you to “prove” that he can trust you or that it’s “safe” to depend on you again.  What he is really saying is that he is afraid of feeling rejected and alone again so he wants you to show him that he does not need to worry about this.  In fact, I’d be willing to be that his pursuing the separation was motivated by the same set of fears.

Addressing His Fears While Overcoming The Challenges Of Separation:  You have a unique challenge here.  It is hard enough to earn back a spouse’s love after a rough patch in your marriage or after a disappointment.  It is doubly hard when you are living under different roofs.  But it is not impossible.  I have done it and many other couples have done it.  You do it by demonstrating the behaviors that your spouse is looking for and by making every interaction count.  You know that you let him down when you didn’t support him while he was struggling.  So now, at every opportunity, you want to check in with him emotionally and make sure he knows that you genuinely care about what he is going through and are willing to listen.  You also want to demonstrate someone who is invested, who is present, and who has the time and patience to hang around as long as it takes to restore what was lost.

This may take a while.  Your spouse may even give you little tests along the way to see if you are willing to try to overcome them.  And I know that this is frustrating and may seem to be unfair. But you have to ask yourself what is most important – semantics and keeping score  – or your marriage and getting your husband and life partner back.  He may be going overboard here, but he is reacting to pain and fear.  The antidote to pain and fear is patience and reassurance.  It can be a challenge to provide these things when you are hurt and fearful yourself.  But he sees himself as the wronged party right now, so it would be prudent to put in some effort and do what you can to make things right as soon as possible.  The sooner that he feels heard, cared for, and understood, the sooner he will feel that you’ve “earned” his love and the sooner that you can start to make real progress toward reconciliation.  It may help to not think of it as “earning” but to just think of it as re-gaining the ground that you lost when you admittedly took him for granted and took your eye off of your marriage for a while.  Now is the time to get it back.  By no means is it impossible and in my experience, it is more than worth it.  There’s more about our reconciliation on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  Believe it or not, it’s very common to question the motivations of a separated spouse who suddenly wants to come home.  This can be very confusing when you’ve spent weeks (or even months) trying everything in your power to lure your spouse home, while telling yourself that you will take him in any way that you can get him.  Still, when he suddenly wants to come home after resisting you for so long, sometimes, you can’t help but ask yourself why.

Here is a common scenario.  A wife might say: “my husband and I have been separated for just over two months.  I did not want the separation. I begged my husband to reconsider, but nothing that I could do or say would change his mind.  To his credit, he allowed me to stay in the house and he got a really small, dark, and nasty apartment.  While separated, we have stayed in touch and I would say that things are relatively decent between us.  I wish that he showed me more affection and that I wasn’t the one who does all of the calling and texting.  But it is not like he avoids me or anything like that.  I have been asking him to come back during this entire time and he always tells me that he’s not ready for that and that he isn’t sure when he might be ready.  Then all of a sudden, last night, he called and said that he was ready to come home.  I was thrilled, but then I was suspicious.  Because I could tell by my husband’s tone of voice that he was getting ready to insert a ‘but’ into the conversation and sure enough, I was right.  It seems that his sister needs a place to stay with her kids.  Of course, common sense would tell you that my husband’s tiny little apartment is not big enough for everyone.  So the pessimist in me is thinking that my husband only wants to come home so that his sister will have a place to stay.  Just last week he was telling me that he was not ready to come home.  But suddenly, everything seems to have changed.  In other circumstances, I would be thrilled, but now I feel like I’m only being used for the square footage in my home.  The problem is, I really do love my husband’s sister and don’t want to turn her away.  I wish she would have just called me directly.  Because now I am so conflicted.  I want him back and my friends say that I am reading too much into this.  But over the course of our relationship, my husband has always done more taking than giving and I worry that it is the same thing here.  How do I know if I am being used?”

I’m not sure if there is a way to know other than attempt to remove the variable of the sister.  Theoretically, you could tell him that although you’re thrilled about the thought of him moving back home, you don’t think that the timing to host his sister is optimal.  You could offer to pay for a hotel for the sister’s family and see how your husband takes it.  If he’s agreeable to that, then perhaps you aren’t being used after all.  If he’s insistent that his sister stay with you, then you’ll have a decision to make.

Only you can decide if your husband is the type of person who would make a decision as serious as the outcome of your marriage on the basis of his sister needing a place to stay.  The timing may well be coincidental. Or, you may decide that it is not coincidental, but you may be clear on the fact that you will take him back anyway, since you’ve worked so hard, and waited so long, to get him back.  Once he’s back, then you can work hard on the changes that need to take place, but haven’t so far.  Because if you don’t work on the original reason that you separated, then you are still vulnerable to unhappiness and conflict moving forward.  You could certainly take advantage of his willingness to move back and then capitalize on the opportunity to get help in order to ease your doubts.

You might try: “you know that I am thrilled at the thought of your coming back.  I’m sure that it’s been obvious that this is what I’ve wanted. But I’m concerned that we haven’t laid the foundation of improvement and that we’ll get off track while we’re distracted with your sister being with us.  Can we see a counselor when you come back?  That way, we’ll stay on track and we’ll still be able to help your sister at the same time.  In that scenario, every one wins.  I just want to set it up so that we are successful and that we don’t have to ever go through this again.  I only want to reconcile once and then have a happy marriage moving forward. I believe that counseling and making permanent improvements to our marriage can help us to do that.”

Hopefully, he will readily agree.  If not, there are self help resources that you can use in lieu of counseling, but I’d strongly suggest using something to keep you on track.  I can tell you from my own experience that it’s very difficult to recover on your own.  Most of us just don’t have the objectivity and self awareness needed to evaluate our marriage in this way.  I understand your concern about being used.  And I think that you are smart to address it.  But I also know how hard it can sometimes be to get a separated husband to agree to come home.  I also know that it’s easier to save your marriage when your husband is living under your roof.  That’s why I think the smart compromise might be to get him home, but to also address your concerns right away. You can read about my own very sloppy and mistake-ridden reconciliation at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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