Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many husbands lament that they’ve “fallen out of love” with their wife. Many times, this lack of love leads to a husband who wants a separation or divorce. Often, the wives affected by this are looking for a way to get their husband to love them again. The answer to this concern lies in understanding why people fall in and out of love. Because, if we can understand this, the next action becomes a little more clear. I will discuss this more in the following article.

Narrowing Down Why Husbands Really Fall Out Of Love: If you were to ask the husband who “wants out” of their marriage why their feelings have changed, 9 times out of 10, you would likely get vague answers that don’t really get to the heart of the matter.

You’ll often hear things like: “We’re just different people now.”

Or “We don’t have much in common anymore.”

Another example is: “We’ve grown apart.”

And then there’s the “I’m just not attracted to my wife anymore and don’t feel the same way.”

And while the husband who is no longer experiencing loving feelings may well be telling the truth as they know it, what they are describing is often the symptoms and not the cause.

Sure, the thing that changed their feelings DOES make them feel as though they’ve grown apart from or not as close to or attracted to their wife. But, very few people understand the true cause of why they feel the way that they do. It’s not easy to look at this objectively when you are right smack in the middle of it.

I hear from people from all walks of life on both sides of this equation. I believe that for the most part people are honest with me because they don’t have any reason not to be. And, from all that I have heard from all sides, if I had to sum up while people fall out of love in one word – that word would be neglect.

The Changes That You Must Navigate to Get the Love Back: Before you think that the idea of neglect sounds too simplistic, hear me out. Often, it’s not really the people who have changed. Almost always, the circumstances DO change.

People have households to care for. Children come along. Financial obligations pop up. There is less time to give to the relationship without something else having to give. And yet, almost all married couples have the same types of general obligations and some make it work while others struggle.

From my observation, the major difference between the two is the amount of effort put into it combined with an understanding of what efforts provide the biggest and most needed payoff. This leads me to my next point.

Understanding What Husbands Really Want To Feel While Being “In Love”: Think back to when you were falling in love with your spouse. There was excitement that came with things being shiny and new and the anticipation of seeing how things were going to unfold. This likely had you holding your breath with all of the hopeful possibilities. And let’s face it, in the early stages of your relationship, everyone is on their very best behavior.

You might never see your spouse more charming, attentive, and romantic than they are in the early stages. There is no doubt about it that this type of attention and give-and-take feels good. The pay off is constant and makes you want to give back. So the cycle is a very positive and exciting one.

But, when real life comes calling, it’s a bit unrealistic to think that you can keep this up forever. And, inevitably, life begins to get in the way. This doesn’t mean that you don’t love your spouse or that you’re slacking. It just means that you are having a normal reaction to normal issues.

But, over time, this shift can really affect your marriage or your relationship. Whether they can put their finger on it or not, your husband (and you) can begin to feel differently.

But I can tell you that almost no one connects the dots between the priority and time shift with the changing feelings. They will think their spouse has changed or the feelings have fled without realizing that the equation really is that the effort put in is directly proportional to the feelings that come out.

Ways To Make a Husband Fall In Love With You Again: One of the most common questions that I’m asked is how to make your husband, boyfriend, loved one, etc. fall back in love with you. Although I often think that the whole idea of “falling out of love” is a bit inaccurate, I can tell you some ways to bring back loving feelings.

First, it’s so important to understand what people truly want. And, a good way to do this is to understand what you want. Because these desires are almost universal as they really are human nature. Everyone wants to feel desired. Everyone wants to feel special and unique. And, we all want to know that know that we’re really and truly seen.

Making a person feel this way is an investment in time and effort. That’s why the longer a relationship lasts, the greater the risk becomes of taking your loved one for granted and seeing these feelings slip right through your fingers. But, just understanding this concept is the first step. I often tell people to give their spouse the thing that they most want and watch as it comes back to them.

In other words, if you feel your loved one isn’t affectionate, then show them affection and see what happens. It might feel weird and vulnerable at first. If the closeness and intimacy aren’t there, you may have to feel your way for a little while.

But, a little effort over time can make a big impact. Many times, if you ask the husband who wants the separation or divorce a few open-ended questions, you’ll find that, deep down, they felt unappreciated or misunderstood. To keep this from happening (or to fix it when it does) it’s vital that you make your loved one feel prioritized, understood, and confident that you “get” them and know what is most important.

People often think being in love is all about the chemistry and the spark. And while this may be accurate in the beginning, I don’t buy it for the long term. I’ve seen too many marriages and relationships saved by re-prioritizing and understanding what people really need – including my own.

By: Leslie Cane: Many wives intuitively know when they are facing separation or divorce. They can deeply sense that their husband is no longer happy, invested, or participating in the marriage. Many of them are desperately looking for ways to restore intimacy, closeness, and affection, but they wonder if any of these goals are possible. 

One of the wives might say, ” I’m not stupid. I know that my husband has fallen out of love with me. I can see it in the way that he looks at me and in the way that he no longer makes me the most important thing in his life. He tolerates me. He lives around me. But his face doesn’t light up when he sees me anymore. He doesn’t include me in important decisions. He doesn’t share his goals or fears with me anymore. Honestly, he rarely tells me about his day. It’s like I just live on the periphery of his life. I strongly suspect that he is going to ask me for a separation soon. We haven’t even eaten dinner together in the last couple of months, and it’s been a long time since we’ve even had sex. He doesn’t even try. It is like he is numb toward me. I miss his loving gestures and his attention. Is there any way I can make him love me like he used to again?”

I believe that you can, because I have done it – although it was quick or easy. Below, I’ll provide tips on how to encourage genuine loving feelings when it feels like your marriage is falling apart. I hope they help.

Examine What You Have Access to – Your Own Actions:  I know that it may be difficult to take a hard look at yourself because that feels like assigning blame, and no one person is to blame when a marriage goes south.

But your own behaviors and actions are things that you both have access to and can change. Not only that but making necessary changes can directly affect (and improve) the outcome of your marriage. And it will show your husband that you are serious about real change.

Try to determine if you are participating in some common behaviors that happen to marriages in trouble. From my own experience and research, I know that wives in this situation often resort to reactionary behavior as either a way to protect themselves or to try to make things better. 

Here is one example: One way that some wives react when they feel their marriage slipping away is that they, themselves pull away because they are hurt. They retreat into their own worlds because they suspect that is what their husband wants them to do. 

He isn’t engaging with them, so why even try? Plus, this self-imposed isolation feels more comfortable when you are constantly being rejected.

However, as a result of this pulling away, neither party is getting much GENUINE affection or attention because the wives themselves have retreated as a defense mechanism to keep from becoming more hurt than they already are. 

To rebuild intimacy, both partners must be willing to be vulnerable and participate fully. You have to “let down the walls” so to speak so that he can come in when things improve.

The second way that I see people react is that they may overcompensate for the distance by becoming clingy, overbearing, or insincere. 

They may put on a “fake” show and shower their husband with overdone affection and attention in an attempt to right the ship.

Unfortunately, this approach can cause your husband to feel suffocated and manipulated, and as a result, he may tune you out, withdraw, or shut down – which only leads to further disconnection.  

Keep in mind that your husband knows you very well and will know when you are putting on a show for his benefit.

Yes, I realize that these are both opposite sides of the same coin, but it’s very common for wives in this situation to swing to extremes – they’re either too clingy or not affectionate because they just aren’t sure how to act. 

Show Him How to Give What You Need: To lure your husband into loving you again, lead by example. 

Consider what you want from him and ask yourself if you’re providing the same in return. If you want more affection or appreciation, show him genuine gestures of love and gratitude. Remember that you’re encouraging your husband how to treat you through your own actions.

When I was in this situation, I tried to ask myself when was the last time I laughed with my husband? When was the last time I approached him in ways that would lift his spirits, lighten his load, or make him feel loved? The truth was I didn’t because I was afraid of yet more rejection.  

And so things just continued to deteriorate and become worse and worse. 

Take an Honest Look at the Personality of Your Marriage: This may sound silly, but a good therapist once encouraged me to think about the “personality” and “culture” of my marriage. 

She asked if I would describe my marriage as cold and distant or light-hearted and loving. Of course, at the time, it was the first option. But she encouraged me to understand that if I could make it loving and playful again, we might actually stand a chance. 

My marriage at its worst point looked very different than my marriage in its early stages. And I needed to work towards restoring the fun, loving, and affectionate qualities that were present when we were first dating 

I figured that if I could do this, I’d remind my husband about what he loved about me in the first place, which might slowly, gradually, bring about a shift. (And that strategy eventually worked.)

Because if I was being honest, the scared, scattered, and dull woman I saw in the mirror every morning was a far cry from the vibrant, funny, and engaged woman my husband dated. I knew I had to get her back to stand even the slightest chance. 

I absolutely understand where you are right now. But with a bit of skill and luck, you can change the trajectory. I was able to shift the downward momentum of my marriage, end the separation, and return the intimacy and affection. You can read more on my blog at https://isavedmymarriage.com/

By: Leslie Cane: Many wives are looking for any successful way to save their marriage or make their husband love them again. Many have tried counseling, talking things out, or spicing things up. But seemingly, very little of these things have worked well enough. So, many wives explore the idea of a separation or at least some time apart in the hopes that absence will make the heart grow fonder. In other words, they hope that if their husband is away from them, he realize how much he misses them and how good he really had it.

Common comments are things like: “I have tried everything to get my husband to love me again and save the marriage. Nothing has worked. I’m pretty desperate at this point and am considering a separation as a last ditch effort. Is a separation a valid way to save the marriage or to make him love me again? Does absence really make the heart grow fonder?”

In my opinion, this tactic can work. I have seen it work and I have experienced it when it finally did work for me. But, I also think that there’s a right way to do it and a wrong way to do it, which I will discuss more in the following article.

If You’re Going To Try A Separation To Try and Bring His Love Back, Make Sure You Present Yourself In The Right Way During It: Here’s one of the biggest mistakes that I see wives make. They gather their courage to give, suggest, or accept a separation and then they second guess themselves or they let fear take over. So, they have a tendency to cling, call too much, hold on very tightly and basically just not let the time and space do its job.

There is a very delicate balance between showing yourself in a way that will peak his interest and coming on too strong and being so present that there’s not any room for separation at all. I know that being separated from your husband, even for just a little while, can feel extremely scary and odd. There’s a real tendency to want to have constant contact so you can gauge what he’s doing or how he’s feeling. But, sometimes it’s best to use a bit of restraint.

Show Him Who He Really Needs to See: When you do see or speak to him, you want to make sure that you’re being very deliberate about who and what you allow him to see. You don’t want to present yourself as someone who is frightened he will find better or that you can’t live without him. You want him to know that although you love him and feel the separation is a last resort, you care enough about yourself to conduct yourself with self respect.

And, you want to remember what has always attracted him to you. Because honestly, when things go badly, it’s so easy to abandon this woman who could turn this around. People tend to focus on and cling to the negative emotions and fears when they should be doing the opposite. I completely understand that it be nearly impossible to put on a happy face when your heart is broken. No one would believe this is possible anyway. But, to the extent you can, try to put one foot in front of the other and show him who you know he’s been waiting for this entire time.

If you know he loves your sense of humor but they two of you haven’t laughed in months, then you’ll want to find a natural place where you can make sure this happens. Your real goal here is to change his perceptions so that he begins to think that things really can change enough that he’s willing to be open to the idea of true reconciliation.

Try To Establish Some Understanding As To How The Separation Is Actually Going To Work: Another omission that I see in this situation is that people sort of take a “wait and see” approach. They don’t check in with one another or establish at least some boundaries and so people tend to think the worst and resentment and fear begin to take over.

People commonly worry that the other spouse is seeing other people or is blissfully happy alone with his freedom when they may not even be the case. Although sometimes husbands are resistant to defining exactly how the separation or time apart is going to work, you can usually set up at least some general guidelines. You can suggest checking in once a week or more if he’s receptive to it. This can be via a phone call or a meeting (which is nice if you have children.)

Be Mindful of the Tone of Any Interactions: Whenever these check ins happen (and they may not always be elaborate or extensive) it’s important to keep them as light hearted as you can. You don’t want to make things so heavy that he wants to avoid you. You don’t want to press about any decisions that he has or has not made. The whole goal is really to very gradually improve how you are communicating and getting along. Because if you can do this, you can build on each improvement until you’re both feeling loving toward each other and the marriage once again.  Once that happens, you can move toward reconciliation.

By: Leslie Cane: Many people wonder about loveless, broken marriages. They want to know to survive them, how to be happy in them, or how to live in harmony within one, especially for the sake of children. Very interestingly, there aren’t quite as many requests for advice on how to fix them. It seems that couples living in a loveless marriage don’t think that it can ever change or really improve.

This is frustrating because I’ve seen countless so-called “loveless” or “broken” marriages turn around quite dramatically. And living in a home filled with love and affection truly is, at least in my opinion, the gold standard for all involved. So, in the following article, I’m going to tell you how I think it’s possible to fix or repair a loveless marriage.

The First Step In Repairing A Broken Marriage Is Not Allowing Definitions To Limit Your Beliefs: Here’s a common denominator that I often find in this situation. People’s perceptions and definitions can very much affect the outcome. And once you start referring to your marriage as “loveless,” you truly do limit your emotions, your perceptions, your expectations, and possibly the health of your marriage.

I certainly don’t doubt that your marriage is struggling, could well be non fulfilling, and could feel quite devoid of love. Many people in this situation say that they’re only going through the motions, living like roommates – never even acknowledging each other, or often only communicate in a negative way. I understand that it’s hard not to place labels on a situation like this. But please try to keep an open mind moving forward. This can make all the difference.

Determining Why Your Marriage No Longer Feels Loving: The next step would be pinpointing why you’re experiencing your marriage as you are. Why does it feel “loveless” to you? What is turning you (or your spouse) off the most? And, how long has it been this way? Because one thing that I almost always find is that very few marriages have been “loveless” from the very beginning.

No, typically something somewhere along the line changed. And sometimes, people will claim that it’s their spouse who has changed. I often hear comments like: “My husband has completely changed. He’s not the man I married. He’s lazy and sarcastic and I don’t even like him anymore, much less love him.” From husbands I hear things like: “My wife used to be so caring and so much fun. She used to listen to me and laugh with me. But now, she just looks at me as though I’ve disappointed her. She looks right through me and then nags.”

These perceptions can cloud and choke out the good things within your marriage and feed on themselves. And, when the perceptions change, unfortunately priorities and attention changes also. The final change is the feelings.

So, maybe you did go out and do fun things together regularly in the beginning of your marriage, but you doubt very much that this is possible now. Or, your spouse used to go out of their way to show and tell you how much they loved and appreciated you, but they rarely give you a second glance lately.

Why “Neglected” is a Better Description for a Broken Marriage: All of these changes are what contribute to your changing feelings and the way that you see and define your marriage. I often tell people that I think “neglected” is a better adjective for this kind of marriage than “loveless.”

And it’s not always the marriage that the spouses neglect. Yes, they neglect each other. But, they often neglect themselves also. Their happiness level goes way down and they sort of shut down and begin stumbling through every day and going through the motions without even thinking.

Shaking Up A Loveless Marriage To Repair The Damage And Get The Loving Feelings Back: If you continue on the way that you are, it’s likely a fair assumption that the way you feel won’t change either. And very often, when a marriage has become “loveless,” one of the reasons for this is that you’ve gotten into destructive habits. You must break these. And, that can be difficult when you’ve established negative marital norms that at least feel predictable.

But someone has to be that brave person who is going to stand up and shake things up a bit. Yes, this can make you feel exposed and vulnerable. But it’s sometimes worth it in the end. Ask your spouse on a date. Compliment them. Ask them open ended questions and really listen. Pinpoint what bothers you the most and have the courage to change it in a kind and loving way.

I know that some people think I’m nuts when I offer these suggestions. But I’ve seen marriages long left for dead produce people who are giggling like teenagers after pouring very deliberate attention onto their spouse and their marriage again. If your spouse isn’t giving you what you need to feel loved and loving, then ask yourself if you’re doing the same for them and then do it if you’re not.

All of us want the same things. We want to feel adored, understood and desired. If you make your spouse feel this way, they will likely eventually return the effort and you may well find yourself in a brand new marriage.

It’s very much my opinion and experience that it’s much easier to “fix” a seemingly loveless marriage than it is to start over when you may have already found your soulmate but no longer recognize or appreciate them due to your own perceptions and labels.

By: Leslie Cane: The other day, I received an email from a friend who wrote: “my husband told me that he’s not in love with me anymore.  He didn’t say it in a mean or spiteful way.  He was just being honest.  He said that he’s ‘trying’ to hang in there and regain the spark, but I just don’t know what to do about this. How am I suppose to process the fact that my husband doesn’t love me anymore and has to ‘try’ to stay with me?  I feel like something that is undesirable and tarnished, like an out of date tool that he no longer has any use for, but which he’s just going to keep around because he feels that he should or because he has some sentimental value or loyalty (but no love) toward it.”

Putting The Husband’s “Trying To Love” His Wife In Perspective:  First off, I cautioned the wife not to focus on the semantics too much.  Sometimes, we obsess over the words and phrasing that someone uses without realizing that that person probably didn’t give the words much thought when they said them.

These were the words that came out at the time, but that doesn’t mean that you need to analyze every syllable or stake your marriage on his choice of words.

It’s important to use this for what it is – a wake up call and a second chance.  So many wives have husbands who have proclaimed that they no longer love them and / or have filed divorce papers.  These wives were blindsided and have less of a chance to change things before a divorce is final.

So, as much as it may feel like you’re in an awful situation right now, know that it could be worse.  By being honest with you, your husband has shown that he’s still communicating and is still open to the idea that the love can be restored.

What No Longer Loving You Probably Really Means:  Men are not good at evaluating and then communicating their feelings.  Often they think they are “no longer in love with you,” when in fact they’re no longer enamored with their life or with how the relationship is going right now.  They’re remembering what was and contrasting that with what currently is and they’re feeling disappointed and let down.

Yes, this isn’t altogether fair.  Day to day stressors are realities of life and it’s likely that both of you are juggling twice as much as you did when you were falling in love.  And men very often know this intellectually, but they are still let down emotionally.

So as hard as it is, don’t take this business personally.  Because I’d be willing to bet that if you could alleviate some of the stress, take the time to find the environment conducive to bonding and sharing, and focus on what brings you together rather than what drives you apart, things would begin to look (and feel) a whole lot different.

Reality Today Compared To What It Used To Be: Hopefully, I’ve given you something to think about. It may be the bond that’s been lost rather than the love that has been lost. Husbands will often perceive it this way, but they are very often wrong.  What has really happened is that the bond and intimacy have changed, not the love.

So, how can you use this knowledge to your advantage? Well, you can start by calming down and realizing that you just need to change up the perception and the bond.  This is usually a gradual process that can’t be rushed.  But, with repetitive and careful effort, eventually you will see things begin to change.

Think back to what really drove your relationship when you first fell in love.  Many people will mention “sex” when I being up this consideration.  But, I would argue that it was not so much sex as the excitement and the intimacy that you felt. You felt desired, loved, understood, valued, and unique.

The key word here, is, believe it or not, unique.  People in love feel like they’ve finally found the other part to their whole.  They feel that they’ve finally found the person that completes them – the role that no one else could fill.  But, this is often the result of the time and attention that you devote to them.  You value their experiences, their perceptions, and their journey through life and this makes them feel uniquely special

What would happen if you tried this approach again? Honestly, what if you began to prioritize the way that you did when you were dating? It certainly couldn’t hurt, right?

Now, you can’t come on too strong or appear in genuine.  You must pace yourself so that this new tactic appears to be spontaneous.  You can’t force it, but you can allow it to happen in the way that you have set it up.

I know that things seem not so great right now, but think about the advantage you have.  You know how and why this guy falls in love.  You know his history and what he values. This is likely a larger advantage than you think.

by: Leslie Cane: Many of the wives who read my articles feel sure that their husbands don’t love them. Occasionally, I hear from someone who tells me that their husband has never loved them. An example is the wife who was beside herself and very upset about the way that her husband has been treating her. He’d been shutting her out, spending less time at home, and was basically just ignoring her as though she didn’t exist.

One day she got so frustrated at this that she snapped: “This isn’t how you treat someone you love.” This did not sit well with the husband who snapped back: “I don’t love you. I’m not sure if I ever have loved you.” Needless to say, the silence and the tension was thick in the room after this. And, since then, the two had just been completely avoiding each other. The wife was furious that he would speak to her in this way. But, deep down, she was also very hurt because the suspected that there was a lot of truth behind that outburst.

The points she made went something like this: “I don’t think we would even be married if I hadn’t become pregnant with our daughter. When I got pregnant, we had just broken up. He was the one who broke it off. And at that point, I think he was relieved that the relationship was over. But of course, once I got pregnant, everything changed. I hoped that our daughter would bring us closer together, and for a while, she did. Eventually though, my husband seemed more and more unhappy and it became obvious that he resented the situation. Sure, we’ve had some good times and I wouldn’t trade my daughter for anything in the world. There are days when he’s sweet to both of us and this does make me feel loved. But there are also days when I think he just wants to pack his bags and leave us. I don’t know what to do. I want a stable home for my daughter, but don’t I deserve someone who really loves me?”

Of course she deserved to feel loved. Everyone does. However, I have to say that claims made in anger aren’t always true. It’s quite possible that the husband was only trying to get a reaction and knew the precise words which were going to cut the deepest. This couple had been together for a year and a half before the wife became pregnant. Clearly, there was something other than their daughter that was drawing them together over that relatively long period of time. I think this was a situation which could potentially be worked out which I will discuss below.

Do Not Allow For Your Husband’s Hurtful Claim That He Doesn’t Love You Now (And Has Never Loved You) To Derail You From Getting What You Really Want: Feeling loved is an inherent desire that we all share. Everyone who has invested time and emotion into a relationship very much want the pay off of knowing that all of the feelings are mutual. No one wants to feel as though they are the only person experiencing love in the relationship. Everyone wants to feel desired and special.

With that said though, both people in the relationship know this. So, pulling the rug out from under someone is a surefire way to get the hurtful response that you are looking for. There’s no doubt in my mind that this husband knew full well that claiming not to love this wife was going to be the most hurtful (and hard hitting) thing which he could possibly say to her.

And, yes, it got the desired result. After those words were spoken, she retreated and stopped nagging him to spend more time with her and to treat her better. And this is likely precisely what he wanted anyway.

However, after listening to this couple’s history, I just did not buy that this man had never loved this woman. He had spent much of their time together working quite hard to raise the funds to build a home for them. He made sure to buy into a neighborhood with the best schools for their daughter. He regularly surprised the wife with books because he knew that reading was one thing she missed as a busy parent to a toddler. Some of the things he did showed that he loved, understood, and valued his wife very much.

But, it was also very clear that he felt pressured and afraid with all of the new responsibility on his shoulders. These negative feelings may have been at least in part behind him recently lashing out at her. And, although these behaviors were hurtful (and frankly unacceptable,) I honestly didn’t feel that the whole truth was behind them.

Try to Approach it From a Place of Solutions Rather than Resentment and Pain: So, where does the wife go from here? Looking at it from the surface, this is a tough situation. It hurts to hear those kinds of statements. But, I felt very strongly that the wife had to step back and ask herself what she really wanted the most. It seemed relatively clear to me that she wanted to be part of a loving and stable family. Her daughter was a wonderful reality. She was here in the present time. Whatever happened in the past needed to stay there.

Right now, the most important thing was for them to raise their family in a loving environment that fulfilled them both. They were relatively young and had all kinds of time to learn new behaviors that weren’t based on pushing each other’s emotional buttons.

A Positive Way to Address it: I felt strongly that the wife should try to put the hurtful words behind her and address this with her husband. The things he said were hurtful and needed to stop. Besides that, no one had spoke of what he had said for days. It needed to be addressed. I suggested that the wife approach her husband when she could be calm and know that she wasn’t going to engage with them.

Then, I suggested that she say something like: “Your saying that you don’t love me now and never loved me really hurt me. It wasn’t a fair thing for you to say, but I suspect that you don’t really mean it. I don’t want for either of us to fall into these patterns. We both grew up in volatile homes and I don’t want this for our daughter. I know that the way we got married and started our family wasn’t planned. But we are here now and we have to move forward in a positive way. I love you and I want to work with you to lighten both of our loads so that we aren’t snapping at each other because of all the pressure we are under. Will you work with me to create the loving family that we both want and deserve? Let’s stop hurting each other. We’re better than that.”

Now, the husband may not fall into the wife’s arms and spew apologies like she was hoping for, but dealing with this in a loving and honest way was going to begin to break those destructive habits and patterns that had formed. And, if the two of them were able to alleviate some of the tension and stress, I suspected that those hurtful phrases about not loving the wife were going to hopefully stop.