I Feel Like I’m Doing All The Right Things During My Separation, But It Makes No Difference

By: Leslie Cane: Many wives vow to force themselves to make all the right moves during their marital or trial separation. They know that it may sometimes be difficult to take the high road. Or that they may have to force themselves not to give in to despair or pettiness. But they want to do this right so that they have the best chance of saving their marriage and of holding their heads high. Still, sometimes, even with heaps of patience and integrity, it can feel as if your efforts are not making one bit of difference.

A wife might say, “My husband was very fair about our separation. He gave me plenty of warning. He does make contact somewhat regularly, although he keeps me at arm’s length when we speak. He asked me to be patient with him, and I’ve done precisely what he has asked. I’ve tried to be kind during every interaction. I’m loving even when I feel a little resentful. I try not to let the disappointment seep into my voice when he makes it clear that he is still not ready to move forward with me. I’m always polite. I’m always accommodating. I’m always asking him what I can do for him. For the most part, he brushes me off. And he never reciprocates. Sometimes, he seems a bit annoyed with me. And I will ask him if I’ve done anything wrong, and he will reassure me that no, I’ve done absolutely nothing wrong and that he appreciates my efforts. So why does none of it make any difference? I’ve been doing everything asked of me. I honestly believe that I’ve been doing everything right. But he seems no more invested in our marriage than he was months ago. Should I start doing things wrong and not being as compliant? I am at a loss as to what I should do.”

Striking An Acceptable Balance: I agree that your situation is a tricky one. And from my experience during my own separation, sometimes changing strategies actually does help. I began the process as a clingy, desperate mess. And then I went to the other extreme and pretended not to care very much. When that wasn’t the answer, I had to get a bit more honest about how I truly wanted to respond and present myself.

What I ultimately decided was that I had to strike the best balance that I could between what my husband was asking for, what I needed for my own wellbeing, and what was best for my eventual reconciliation. And very often, these three goals contradicted one another, at least some. So I had to try to keep several balls juggling in the air. It wasn’t easy, but I eventually became adept enough at this juggling that I made some progress. But I also had to let go of my belief that one stringent strategy was the only way to win.

When It Makes Sense To Back Off Of An “All Or Nothing” Strategy And Adapt Accordingly: If there is one thing that I learned during my own separation, is that a skill that separated wives need TODAY is the ability to read the situation and then adapt. If your husband is responding repeatedly responding negatively to what you’re doing, it makes sense to try something else.

That said, you have to be able to read the entire situation accurately. In this scenario, the husband was still regularly communicating with the wife. Admittedly, it was not always the type of communication that she wanted, but he wasn’t avoiding her. So it probably didn’t make sense to completely abandon the current strategy. However, there was likely room for adjustment so that the arrangement worked a little better for both parties.

Sometimes, if I felt like my accommodations were causing my husband to take me for granted or not value me, then I’d be less available at a strategic time. I was never rude, petty, or retaliatory. And I always promised a rain check and meant it. But sometimes, not being as eager and creating a tiny bit of scarcity can do some good. It made a very big difference for me.

Of course, you don’t want to take it too far. You still want to maintain a very conciliatory relationship with open communication. But that doesn’t mean that you have to sit home and wait for him to come around at the expense of yourself. I learned that NOT doing this actually made the time go by much faster and helped my state of mind. It can help to remember that there are other things to fill and enhance your life while you are waiting.

Sometimes, Improvement Is Just Around The Corner: I know you feel that your efforts aren’t making a difference, but you can’t possibly see the outcome yet. Honestly, there were plenty of times when I was just ready to give up during my own separation. There were plenty of days when my husband gave me no hope whatsoever that things would ever get better. There were weeks when I just didn’t take any action toward my marriage because I knew that it wouldn’t matter. And then, just when I thought there would never be any hope, things changed.

  • Sometimes your husband just needs a little more time.
  • Other times, a set of circumstances is going to pop up that works in your favor.
  • Or he will begin to miss you, and his stance toward you will soften.
  • Perhaps the changes that he has been waiting to see may finally be complete.

There are multiple possibilities that could change the course of your separation.

I know that sometimes it feels as if things are just going to continue to deteriorate.

But things can also get better, and you have to be careful about defeatist thinking. Sometimes, your thinking can cloud your actions, which can make the things you dread more likely.

I know that this is a challenge, but sometimes your best bet is to maintain a positive attitude and a cordial relationship overall, while you make small adjustments to shake things up when appropriate.  You can read about how I did this on my blog at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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How Do I Leave My Marriage When I Know It’s Not Over For Me?

By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from wives who know that they might be at the end of their marriages. Most of them are devastated by this. They are still invested in their husband. But none of this seems to matter, because he wants out, and he seemingly won’t listen to anything the wife will say to change his mind.  

This is difficult on so many levels, but one of the worst frustrations is feeling as if you have very little say in what happens with your own life. So you feel like your time is running out, and all you can do is watch while the pieces of your life fall away around you. You may know that ending your marriage is a huge mistake, but what can you do about it when your husband won’t listen to reason? 

I’ll often hear a wife in this situation say, “my husband insists that our marriage is over, but he can talk all he wants. It’s never going to be over for me. And I don’t know how anyone can expect me to just walk away without a backward glance. I know that this would be a mistake that we will both regret. But there is absolutely no way to convince my husband of this, and he looks like he pities me when I try. Lately, I feel like he’s just stopped listening to me. I’m not prepared to let him, or my marriage, go.  But whether I accept it or not, he’s leaving. Where does that leave me?”

When You Can’t Let Go Even A Little Because Your Brain Is Telling You One Thing And Your Heart Is Telling You Another:  I remember just how this felt during my own separation. You know that you should step back just to encourage a sense of calm, but you feel like your behavior is nonnegotiable because you’re being lead by the heart, not your head. You may logically realize that it makes sense to pause, just for now. But you can’t bring yourself to do it. I’m going to suggest that you make a calculated move. In my experience, you gain an advantage when you willingly compromise just enough to stop your husband from backing away from you.  I’m not asking you to leave your marriage.  I’m suggesting you drop the unyielding stance to give you the room to eventually save it. You’ll regroup once you restore some calm and gain access to your husband.  I’d never tell you to walk away, if you don’t wish to. But I am suggesting you give a little to get a lot.

Don’t Allow Yourself To Take A Completely Opposing Stance:  You’re right if you suspect that blatant stubbornness has a cost. Any time you and your husband are on opposing sides and want opposite things, that’s going to hurt your chances for a reconciliation. And your husband will come to believe that the only compromise you will accept is saving your marriage, avoiding any break, and nothing else. 

So right now, no one was going to give an inch. No one is going to compromise. And someone is going to lose.

Try A New Play: Obviously, to make any progress, this dynamic needed to change. Since the husband had made it clear that he wouldn’t yield, the wife could go first to change the dynamic just a little. If she did nothing, the relationship with her husband might continue to deteriorate and her only play was to hope for the miracle that would change his mind. 

 Or, she could set it up so that she was no longer standing on the opposite side of her husband. She could narrow her focus, by making her strategy one that focused on maintaining a positive rapport between them in the hopes of slowly rebuilding something new. 

The Advantage Of Changing Strategies When You’re Stuck: As hard as this might be to pull off, you gain a huge advantage if you do it correctly. If you convince your husband that you just want to maintain a positive relationship, he should give you more access to him, and he may even start listening to you, since he no longer needs to block your message. He may also drop his defenses, which makes your job substantially easier. You’re no longer taking a combative stance, so he may actually approach you with cooperation.

This is all so important because, in order to save your marriage, you’ll eventually need to work with him rather than against him. Yes, there is plenty that you can do on your own. But eventually, and at some point, you’re going to need him his cooperation. (It is so much easier when you have earlier it in the process because it keeps you from always playing catch up.)

Sometimes, A Strategic (And Temporary) Step Back Actually Makes You Feel Like You Have More Control And Power: When you are trying in vain to hold your husband close when you fear he wants to escape, it’s very easy to feel this entire process falling out of control. Your husband wants some space, but you can’t give it. So you reach for him even more desperately. It may feel as if you have no choice in this, but look around. Does this strategy endear your husband to you? Or does he want to escape even more right now?

Ironically, when you’re trying too hard to regain control by tightening your grip, you’re losing your grip altogether. 

Loosen your grip, just a little, and see what happens. I know it’s scary. But I’d be willing to bet that, in the end, that loosening actually gives you more control and power. I had to force this on myself. I had to surround myself with family members and friends who would force it on me. And I was so paranoid that the second I loosened my grip, my husband would be gone forever. I just knew that “out of sight” would mean “out of mind” forever.

But my fears didn’t materialize. Instead, once I was willing to back away a bit, my husband walked toward me and became much more receptive. 

This shift made everything less contentious. It created an atmosphere where I could actually make progress. 

And at that point, it became obvious that I had to play the game a little differently. 

When You Make The Choice Yourself, It Isn’t Forced: You don’t have to wait until your back is against the wall for you to make this shift. You don’t need this to be forced upon you. Any choice that gives you access to your husband and allows you to focus on the positive so that you can make gradual progress on your marriage is a winning strategy in my book. It’s not letting go. It’s not walking away.

It’s turning to a different type of strategy. And it stops a detrimental and destructive cycle that may not have worked anyway.  Obviously, this only works if there is no finalized divorce and you still have a little time. 

When my separated husband begged me to let him go, he clearly wanted to move forward with a life that did not include me. Eventually, I did make a show of stepping back, even if that wasn’t my final plan and it definitely wasn’t what I felt inside. Thankfully, this changed the game. Eventually, I was able to not only restore my husband’s interest, but eventually save our marriage. You can read that story on my blog at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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Unhappy Husband Wants a Divorce, But You Don’t? Why Doing No Harm Might Be Your Most Powerful Step.

By: Leslie Cane: If you’re here and reading this article, then it’s clear that your husband wants a divorce and you don’t. You could be at any point on the journey. He may have only suggested a divorce, so you’re early in the process. Or he may have actually filed and moved out. 

 Despite the various scenarios that wives in this situation find themselves in, I often hear comments like this one: “I can’t believe that I’m even having to say this, but my husband is asking me for a divorce. He has said he’s unhappy. He told me that months ago. He has been very forthcoming about that. But I’d assumed that I’d have the opportunity to address his unhappiness before I was facing the possibility of the end of my marriage through divorce. I just can’t have this happen. I have kids to worry about. We had planned a future together. I have no interest in starting over with someone I could never much as I love him. And yet, none of this matters to him. He only cares about the fact that he wants to end our marriage as soon as possible. I am frantic to try to figure out some way that I can’t stop this. I just can’t have this happen to me.”

I know how awful this feels. This is seemingly the worst loss and rejection that you can possibly imagine. And this can understandably cause you to go into overdrive to stop this horrible thing before it starts. However, common reactions like vowing to “fight” or “stop” the divorce in the conventional sense may well backfire.  Frankly, as determined as you are to stop the divorce, he could believe that he is equally determined to go forward with it. 

Below, I’ll offer some suggestions on ways that you might try to buy yourself some time so that you can eventually implement the changes that might legitimately change his mind.  

 Don’t Make The Most Common But Catastrophic Mistakes:  I understand why you feel gut-punched. I also understand why normally rational wives can feel quite crazed in the hours and days following this awful news. You immediately realize that life as you know it may change catastrophically – or at least this is your fear. And you want to stop this before it can become reality. 

However, if you panic and act on all this adrenaline, you may do or say things that you deeply regret. It’s very common to suddenly make all sorts of crazy promises, or unhinged threats, or to show a level of desperation that is never attractive. Worse, these actions will cause your husband to put up walls to limit his exposure to this perceived undesirable behavior, which is exactly what happened in my case. 

To avoid this, take a deep breath and understand that your real goal is to maintain access to your husband. You must do this in order to have any chance of changing his mind.

In order to maintain this access, you are likely going to need to make some quick concessions. You’re going to need to remain calm and reasonable so that your husband doesn’t need to keep you at arm’s length. If you can’t remain calm while interacting with your husband right now, take a few days to regain your composure.

Give Him The Wide Berth That He Thinks He Wants, At Least Initially:  I’m not implying that you should pretend that you’re going to give a divorce. I don’t advocate lying about this. But I don’t see anything wrong with agreeing that a break would do you both some good. If he resists staying, then trying to strong-arm or guilt him into it isn’t likely to do any good, and it might make him avoid you. 

Divorces aren’t granted immediately, although it can feel this way at the time. So you can afford to give him some room for a short period of time.  This might help with the shock and anger, and eventually, it might even allow him to miss you and begin to feel a bit of regret or doubt. 

But it’s very important that you deliver this message in a sincere and believable way. He shouldn’t think that you are playing a game. He should think that you are sincere in working with him because your relationship is still important to you, even if it may be evolving.

Become An Expert At Patiently Working With Small Opportunities:  I’m not going to lie to you. When your husband thinks he wants a divorce, you are going to have some obstacles to overcome. You will have to work hard to change his mind. And neither of these things happen immediately.  

You will often have to work gradually and be pretty slick with the small openings you receive. Some days, you may have to just be satisfied that you exchanged pleasantries. And there may be times when a decent conversation might make your week.  

The key is for him to see that you are not a threat and that his perceptions about you and the marriage were wrong. You will have to take advantage of openings as they unfold and you’ll have to overcome obstacles as they happen. You’ll need to regroup when your efforts don’t work and you’ll never want to celebrate before he’s back for good. 

In short, you have to become very good at reading the situation and at learning his cues. You’ll need to move forward as you are able, but you’ll definitely have to back up when you hit resistance. On the days when he’s clearly not receptive, you’ll need to busy yourself with other things, and you’ll come to learn that this is not always the end of the world. If you do no harm, then you’ll have the opportunity to come back at this on another day. This process requires you to be very observant, reactive, and deliberate. But you can do this. Many wives do this. 

Above All, Do No Harm: Sometimes, doing no harm is actually the strongest stance that you can take. Because men can and do have doubts when they’ve had some time to think about this. They are much more likely to have these doubts when you’ve set it up so that he can view you favorably and with longing. Never do anything to undermine this process, as tempting as they might be right now. 

Even if you’ve already made mistakes, you can always try to get back to neutral by pausing and allowing some calm to settle in. You just want to get back to cordial at first. Once there, you’ll slowly begin to rebuild a rapport, which hopefully will become a renewed ease, and eventually a returned intimacy. But that is a process that requires several steps.

The first step is to do no harm and to set the stage to have access with a cordial relationship. 

I know this because I made the mistakes I just warned you against because I panicked.  I did not understand the gradual approach. I wish I’d known then what I’m telling you now.

Thankfully, through a bit of dumb luck, I was able to save my marriage. That story is at https://isavedmymarriage.com/

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Can You Stop a Divorce By Not Fighting Or Contesting It, And Giving Up A Combative Stance?

By: Leslie Cane: It’s no secret that I’ll almost always advocate saving your marriage over a divorce. So its no wonder that I sometimes get emails from people looking to slow or stop their husband’s attempt to divorce them. People sometimes seek help with legal strategies like refusing service or “contesting” the divorce to slow down the process. I’m not an attorney, so I can’t and won’t offer any legal advice. And although I know that these strategies are born out of a need to buy time, I think that there is a far better way to change his mind anyway. My suggestions would encourage you to place your focus on positive strategies that don’t paint you as the villain or as someone who is trying to keep your husband from reaching his goal. Because when you position yourself in this way, your husband only wants to make his exit more quickly and is therefore much less likely to change his mind.  

Here is what I would suggest instead: 

Understand Why Fighting And Contesting Encourages Negative Feelings And Thwarts Any Affection He Has Left:  It may be hard to believe this right now, but I think that most people have some doubts about filing for divorce, even if they seem sure that it’s the right thing to do. Most of them have a little voice in the back of their head who asks, “Are you absolutely sure? What if you’re wrong?”  

And this can work FOR the wife who wants to save her marriage. But, when you make this process bitter and combative because you want to “fight” or “contest” the divorce, you take away any doubts that your spouse may have had. 

The conflict that is inherent in this process is the reason that the spouses often strongly dislike each other once the marriage is finally over. This is a contentious process that pits one person against the other and ensures that nobody wins.

But, you do have some control over this. You can refuse to act like everyone else. You can surprise your spouse with your response. Make it clear to him that you intend to conduct yourself with dignity and grace. Refuse to participate in divisive behaviors that will only make things worse. 

Make it clear that you want to part on good terms and take pride in your behavior during a very difficult time.

Again, I’m not talking about legalities here. Please discuss this with your own counsel. I’m talking about your behaviors outside of the legal process. And I know what you are going through.  I was once on the doorstep of divorce too, before I turned things around. 

Why Not Fighting Is Different Than Giving Up: Many people understand the intention behind this strategy, but they worry that I’m suggesting they give up, rollover, and just allow their husband to divorce them. I promise that I’m suggesting nothing of the sort. 

I’m simply following the assumption that in order to save your marriage, your husband has to see your favorably. He has to think of you and wonder if divorcing you is a mistake. He should start to doubt that your marriage is severed beyond repair.

These things can only happen if he doesn’t think you’re the one person standing in the way of a better life. 

 Don’t worry. You’ll be working behind the scenes to change his mind, but you won’t be actively fighting with him in the open. 

Understanding What It Would Take For Him To Willingly Want To Stay Married:  Stop for a second and ask yourself why your husband wants this divorce. Why is he doing this? And before you give me a fuzzy answer like, “he just doesn’t love me anymore,” or “we couldn’t communicate without fighting,” I want you to get very specific. 

I don’t know you or your husband. But I’d be willing to bet that I could tell you at least one reason why your husband wants out – even if neither of you knows it. Most separations and divorces have at least one identifiable unifying factor: a loss of emotional and physical intimacy. I know that you may be thinking I’m talking about sex and you might believe that I don’t get it because you’ve been married a long time, and how can I expect you to still act like a newlywed?

That isn’t at all what I mean. We all know couples who perhaps have gone through extreme periods of hardship where they aren’t even having sex and yet they are still completely in sync and they are each other’s rock. It’s that type of commitment you make when you feel deeply understood and supported by the person you respect most in the world. These couples see themselves as part of a whole and, despite any problems, they approach their partner with empathy. 

I would never tell you that sex isn’t important. It’s vitally important. But the intimacy I’m talking about goes far beyond the physical. The good news? If you can get even a slice of this back, you’re nearly home free. When you have this type of intimacy, the common problems that all troubled marriages share just don’t matter as much.  

The bad news? It can be a challenge to get this back when you do not have access to your husband. The first step to maintaining access is to not be so combative that he doesn’t want to deal with you. The next step would be to ask yourself what your husband thinks he’s gaining by divorcing you. What does he think he cannot have if he remains married to you? You have to be brutally honest.  

I may be able to help a little and tell you that when confronted with this issue, many husbands will admit that they feel their wives do not understand and value what they really want. They don’t feel heard or prioritized. I know that this is hard to hear. And there may be a real inclination to say, “Well, I’m not heard either. Or “of course he makes this all about him.” 

But see this for what it is. An opportunity to make progress. If you can do this, you are in a much better position to convince him that he’s made a mistake by divorcing you. 

Understand That Appearances Matter: I hope that you have read the above and that a light is going off in your head. I hope that you will try at least some of the suggestions above. When you do, remember that you don’t want to act panicked or desperate, which can both make you appear inauthentic and unattractive. 

We need to get honest once more and ask ourselves what attributes attracted our husband in the first place. The answer is highly individual. It may have been your dorky sense of humor or your giving heart, but I’d doubt that it was your combative stance of your desperation, so remember this as you go forward with this plan. 

Put your best attributes on display right now and into the future, because that is one more way your husband may begin to reevaluate. Once he does, move slowly. Never revert back to a pushy stance where you try to take control. This is a cooperative effort.

When my husband initiated a divorce, I did not understand these principles and of course I “fought” my husband all the way.  And of course that backfired and I had to return to square one. Thankfully, I soon decided to approach things from another angle which eventually worked. You can read that story my blog at https://isavedmymarriage.com/

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My Husband Doesn’t Feel Anything Anymore. He’s Shut Down And Now He’s Claiming Not To Love Me.

By: Leslie Cane: There’s no question that this year has been a rough one. We’re living in a global pandemic, but many of us are also dealing with issues concerning our employment, our kids’ schooling, and caring for vulnerable older family members. Some of us have been furloughed or lost our jobs. Others are juggling working from home with being homeschool teachers.  

And, as bad as all of this is, many of us have limited outlets with which to recharge our batteries, since we must social distance and limit our exposure to others. So, it’s not surprising that many people are shutting down emotionally. And, this shut down is incredibly painful for the person who has closed themselves off. But it can also be devastatingly hurtful for the spouse and family members of that person. Worse, it can sometimes very negatively affect your marriage, as the isolated person can convince themselves that they don’t love you anymore, and they now want out of your marriage at a time when they might need it the most. 

A wife in this situation might say, “Admittedly, my husband has lost much in just a few short months. At first, his job was furloughed. But last week, he found out that it was eliminated altogether. Because of his job loss, he’s taken over the homeschooling duties. This would be hard on anyone, but I feel that my husband has become seriously depressed. He used to be somewhat extroverted, but lately, he sees no one. He doesn’t make an effort to reach out to his friends anymore. He’s become very isolated and sad. The other day, he told me that he doesn’t love me anymore, and thinks that he wants to separate or get a divorce. When I ask him why, he has no real answer. He’s clearly desperately sad. And I feel sure that this talk of ending our marriage is his depression talking, but he denies that he is depressed, and insists that he doesn’t love me anymore. What can I do?”

This is a tough spot, because naturally, you suspect that your husband’s sadness/depression clouds every impression he has about his life, including you and your marriage. It may also affect his ability to feel affection, since he’s distanced from everyone, including you. In truth, people often lash out at people of convenience and those who are closest to them. Unfortunately, that is you. But there are a few things you can do to fight against this. 

Reach Out To Professionals Who Know How To Tackle Mental Health:  Let’s shelve the claims that he doesn’t love you and wants to end the marriage for right now. We can deal with that a little later. 

First, I want to stress that unless you are a mental health professional, it’s best to let a professional deal with your husband’s mental health. I realize that many people will refuse to go to counseling. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t talk to someone on his behalf. Many communities are offering free services right now. And some health insurances also have free mental health resources for their customers. 

I know you love your husband and may think that if you can just love him enough and support him, then he can get past this. You SHOULD do both, but that may not be enough in the case of depression. No matter how much you work on your marriage, if his emotions are clouding his judgment, you’re going to need to address his emotions before you can get complete relief. 

You might try gently suggesting that you BOTH go to counseling so that you can both cope at a time that is stealing everyone’s happiness. If he is already under a doctor’s care, mention this to his doctor and ask for suggestions. Try to get help in any way that you can, even if he’s not cooperative and you have to work with only yourself. 

It is better for you if a third party is directing your husband. That way, any feelings or reactions that he has are not directed at you.  

With this said, you can only give this your best effort. Try your best to get him to see someone, but if he won’t, go yourself. Find some support and know that you alone cannot make him happy or cure him of his sadness by sheer force of will. 

Validating Your Husband Will Make Him Less Defensive And More Accessible: I know it’s tempting to announce that your husband is only reacting to his sadness and that all this talk of not loving you and wanting to split up is just nonsense. It’s also tempting to be overly accommodating and affectionate, in the hopes that you can love your husband out of this mess. 

But, neither of these strategies validates your husband’s feelings, which he likely desperately wants and needs right now. Don’t insinuate that he is wrong or is incapable of making his own decisions. This will make him feel spoken down to or like a child, which he may resent. 

Instead, listen calmly and place your focus on his happiness rather than on your marriage. Make him believe that you want to help him get what he wants and needs. Stress that his happiness and wellbeing is as important to you as your own. 

Tell him that although you can’t control how he feels, you can control your part in the communication and the relationship between you. Hopefully, as he sees that you are serious and willing to make good on your promises, he will also rise to the occasion.

For Now, Continue To Put Your Marriage Second And His Mental Health First: I know that you are worried about your marriage. But for right now, let him know that although you are still invested in your marriage, his mental wellbeing is your most immediate concern. Then, come at this with love, patience, and hopefully outside help. Leave nothing on the table because you want to know that at the end of this, you can be proud of the way that you handled it. 

Now, practically, you and I both know that you don’t want a separation or divorce and that you are NOT okay with him saying he doesn’t love you. But if you worry about your marriage first, then he’s going to think that any effort your make right now is only meant to manipulate him to stay in your marriage. 

You can’t have this. Because you need him to open and receptive to you so that you can eventually address his perceptions of your marriage. But for now, the best play is to focus on his well being. If he can improve his mental health, he will likely see your marriage (and his love for you) differently.

Admittedly, you can’t force or fool him into contentment with life or with your marriage. But you can support him in his struggles and conduct yourself in a way that makes him think positively of you.

As his melancholy fades, you will be in a much better position to address your marriage, and hopefully you won’t be even facing the possibility of separation or divorce.

If you end up still facing the possibility of splitting up, all does not need to be lost. My husband was sure he didn’t love me anymore and we separated.  I eventually tried a totally new approach and this eventually worked. You can read my that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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What Can You Do When You Want To Save Your Marriage But Your Husband Doesn’t Love You Anymore And Wants A Divorce?

By: Leslie Cane: I hear from a lot of wives who are beyond devastated and unsure of how they’re going to cope when their husband has just made a devastating announcement. Not only is he no longer in love, but he also wants a divorce. Either one of these announcements is devastating by itself. But together, they feel hopeless. Because how in the world can you avoid a divorce if he truly doesn’t love you anymore?

A wife might say, “I can’t pretend that I am surprised that my husband is unhappy with our marriage. It’s been shaky for months. But what has surprised me – and devastated me – was that he very matter-of-factly told me without any emotion that he does not love me anymore and that he wants a divorce. He wasn’t angry. He wasn’t trying to get a reaction out of me. He just wanted to inform me that he’s no longer invested in our marriage because he doesn’t love me. So he wants to end that same marriage. To say that I am devastated is an understatement. I honestly am not sure how I will cope. I’ve been brainstorming strategies to save our marriage, but now it seems I won’t even get to try. How do I cope with this? 

Believe me, I understand how horrible this feels. You feel as if your entire world has stopped spinning on its axis. You wonder if the world will ever feel normal to you again – since everything has been taken away. And you feel rejected by (and unattractive to) the person you love the most. I know because I have been there and I separated because that is what my husband wanted.  I floundered for a long time.  But I eventually got myself together and saved my marriage.  Here is some insights that might help you. 

Take A Few Days, But Then Dust Yourself Off: It’s understandable to hole up for a few days to process the shock and hurt this is going to cause. 

But if you still want some skin in this game, after that, you must pick yourself up and dust yourself off. Do not allow yourself to dwell on the negative. Because doing so will make it more likely that both your husband (and yourself) hold negative perceptions of your behavior and your reaction. You have a clear goal – to save your marriage. 

It’s very hard to achieve that goal if you are an emotional mess or if you aren’t acting as close as possible to your best self. 

Keep The Negativity In Check And Challenge The Fear: It’s normal to feel scared and angry. You can’t stop these feelings. They are going to come at you hard and fast. And you can confide in trusted friends and family members and journal to release these feelings. 

But, when you interact with your husband, you’ll want to keep the negativity in check. Here’s why: If he’s telling you that he wants a divorce because he doesn’t love you, then he likely already has very negative perceptions about your situation. If you come at him with more negativity, you risk making things worse. 

Although your situation may feel dire and immediate, pause every time you are tempted to throw negativity at your husband. I understand that you feel panicked and you want that feeling to stop.  

But you have to be very careful. Resist the temptation to argue, guilt, belittle, stalk, or beg your husband. These will play to your husband’s negative emotions. And as a result, he will have thoughts like, “I got out in just the knick of time. And thank goodness I did. That is what my life what have looked like if I’d stayed.”

Instead, you need him to think, “Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I made a rash decision.” For him to do this, you will need to be as reasonable and as calm as you can manage. Lash out all your want around neutral friends, but be careful in front of your husband.  

Be Very Deliberate With Your Presentation:  I know that what I am about to ask is very difficult. But I mention it simply because it is so important. You need to pause and think about who you are presenting to your husband every time you interact with him. These interactions paint his perceptions. The only way he will change his mind about your marriage is if he changes his perceptions about you. So you’re going to need to present a woman who is strong, capable, and coping. 

Quite honestly, your husband may suspect that you will fall apart, argue with him, or throw yourself at his feet because you can’t live without him. Frankly, he has probably already prepared for or braced himself for these reactions.  

My own experience taught me that it is advantageous to show up with the reaction that he isn’t expecting. Sometimes (depending on your situation) a sound play is to tell him that although you’re very disappointed, you concede that neither of you has been happy and that you agree that drastic change is needed since you used to be so content. 

Sometimes, it works to stress that you’re fully aware that you can’t make things better if you are always fighting, so you’re vowing to do what you can to maintain a cordial and positive relationship – however that may look. 

This is a positive play on a few different fronts: You’ve validated your husband, so he doesn’t need to take a defensive stance. And you’ve made it clear that you don’t intend to fight. This means that he doesn’t need to avoid or block you, and this means you may have access to him. 

Next, you’ll want to portray yourself as someone who is determined to make the best of this. Because you value your own happiness as well as his, you’re going to see this as an opportunity to learn, grow, and improve your relationship. (And if that leads to an improved marriage, so be it.)

Surround Yourself With Positive People And Activities: I’m not going to lie to you. There may be some dark moments ahead. But I can also tell you that one of the fastest ways to pull yourself out of these moments is to spend time with people who support you and want you to heal. Give yourself permission to focus on the activities and actions that bring you joy and relief. Make sure mutual friends know that this is exactly what you’re doing so your husband knows you’re not just moping around. 

Not only will this let your husband know that you are capable, it lets YOU know that as well. And, it increases the odds that your husband will respond favorably to you. Men respond better to a capable woman than one who is a bit of a wreck. Even better, some men become intrigued by this new person who is making positive changes. And he may respond to his own curiosity by inching closer.

When this happens, don’t overdo it. Just continue on with the positive portrayals. Show him the same qualities that first attracted him to you in the first place. Show him the fun-loving, light-hearted person of whom he couldn’t get enough. 

I know that you may feel afraid and beaten. But you CAN do this. You can make the best of this and you can grow. Admittedly it may take some effort. But the woman who copes and makes the best of this has the chance to save your marriage. So go and find her. 

When my husband was flirting with the idea of a divorce, I made many of the mistakes I just warned you about. Of course, this only makes things worse. I tried my new approach nearly too late. But it did eventually work. You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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What Can You Do When Your Spouse Says He Wants To Be Free?

By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from people who are on the receiving end of a request for freedom. Often, this not only hurts, but it leaves a lot of confusion as to how you are supposed to respond and to handle this. Because most people get married in order to have someone with whom to share their lives. So a request from your spouse to now only be a party of one can seem as if it is coming out of nowhere.

I heard from a wife who said: “over the last several months, my husband has been spending more and more time away from home. He has made a group of friends at his office and he always wants to go out to dinner with them, or play softball, or just hang out. I don’t mind this arrangement for a night or two each week, but when it started happening every night, I began to express my frustration with this. So my husband started staying home a little bit more but he would pout when he would do so. It was clear that he wasn’t really present at home. I hoped that in time things would get better so I pretty much ignored his pouting. Well, apparently things didn’t improve because last night my husband came home and said that he was moving out because he wants to be free. He said that being married makes him feel tied down and he can’t live that way anymore. He assured me that I was a good wife but he insisted that he is not the type of person who should be married. He said that being married made him realize how much he likes and needs his freedom. Part of me is tempted to try to negotiate and to tell him that if he needs to, then he can go ahead and start going out with his friends again without any limitations. But I’m not sure if I want to do this. I don’t want to live my life that way because it’s very lonely to have your spouse to never want to come home to you. But at the same time, I don’t want a divorce. What am I supposed to do?” I will try to address these concerns in the following article.

See If You Can Offer Him More Freedom Within Your Marriage: It was clear that this woman really did want to save her marriage. But in order to do that, she was going to have to make some compromises. Her husband had already made it clear that he needed to socialize with others in order to be happy. So it wasn’t realistic to think that she could sell him on a more isolated lifestyle, especially at first. The key would be to find something that they could both be content with. She might consider asking her husband how many nights out with his friends would make him feel happy. Wanting to go out every night isn’t healthy and probably wouldn’t be acceptable, but a few nights a week might work, especially if the wife negotiated going out with him on the other nights so that they could have fun together. It’s not as important what you agree to as long as you agree and you are both content.  Frankly, sometimes you have to settle for less than you want.  But when you do begin to go out with your husband, then you begin to reconnect.  And when you reconnect, you will often find that his so called need to be free lessens, which leads me to my next point.

Know That If You Reignite The Spark In Your Marriage, Your Spouse Might Not Crave As Much Freedom: I know that many people might disagree with what I am about to say but please hear me out. I notice that a lot of the correspondence that I get about spouses needing their freedom comes from folks who have been married for quite a while. It’s often when things are stale that one or both of the spouses will start to seek out excitement or contentment elsewhere. I am not saying that to hurt you or to insinuate that you are doing anything wrong. I tell you this so that you can see that this issue may not be completely about freedom or “feeling tied down” after all.

Because the truth is that when your relationship is exciting and fulfilling, it’s much more likely that your spouse is going to be content both at home and within the relationship. So the implication here is that although it can be very helpful to talk about and to try to compromise on this issue, it would probably be equally as helpful to take a very close look at your marriage to see where you can improve the intimacy and restore the closeness.

And sometimes in order to do that, you have to take full advantage of the time that you do have with your spouse. Admittedly, the husband in this scenario wasn’t home much. But nothing said that the wife couldn’t use that time to improve her marriage. Because I suspected that if she was successful in doing this, she would soon notice much less requests for freedom because this would no longer be necessary.

So to answer the question posed, my inclination would be to first try to discuss the situation and to reach a compromise. But after that, very particular attention should be paid to what is happening in the marriage. Because a spouse who wants freedom is a spouse who is giving you a warning sign that they aren’t completely happy with the way that things are going.

A quest for his freedom was one of the reoccurring themes my husband used when he wanted a separation. I honestly thought that this was one of the main issues that I was dealing with. But what I didn’t realize at the time was that restoring the intimacy in my marriage was the best way to deal with my husband’s perceived lack of freedom. If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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The Traits You Need During A Marital Separation To Eventually Get Your Husband Back And Reconcile

By: Leslie Cane: Over the years, I’ve received loads of questions about marital separations or troubled marriages. Very little surprises me, but I’ll admit that I’ve paused on a few topics. I’ve had people ask me if there are any specific prayers, spells, or well wishes that they could perform to get their husbands back.  I tried a few of these things during my own separation. And I honestly believe that the magic in prayers, spells, or wishes is that they give you the belief that hope is possible, which can be extremely powerful.

Because when you have hope, you don’t go in with the defeatist attitude that gets so many of us into trouble. You also have a little less fear, which can be beneficial.  But I also believe that it was the attributes that I developed during my separation that made all of the difference in my reconciliation.

So below, I am going to list the attributes that I think you should ask for, no matter which method you are using. Once I was gradually successful in obtaining these things, my situation greatly improved.

Feel free to ask the universe to help you in any way that you see fit. But here are the things I believe are most necessary to succeed. Ask for:

Calm: I know that my stressing the importance of calm might seem strange, but there is a real tendency to panic when you are newly separated. Many of us assume that we are going to end up divorced anyway. And this potentially false assumption keeps us from pursuing avenues that might have worked.

I honestly think that the best thing that you can do in the first days of your separation is to challenge yourself to calm down every time you start with the worst-case scenario thinking and reassure yourself that you do have time, and you can get through this with your marriage not only intact but better.

An Open Mind And An Open Heart: You may already realize that a marital separation is not for the faint of heart. I have never been so scared and unsure of myself. I had never felt so vulnerable and out of my league. In order to not only survive this but to thrive, you need to be able to see this as an opportunity for growth. Once you can do this, your entire strategy will change, and your ability to cope will strengthen significantly.

So much of the time, we envision the outcome that we want, so we begin to act in the way that we think will get us that outcome. In doing so, we miss out on the things that might have been the better play.

Go into this promising yourself that you will remain open to learning whatever lessons the universe has in store. Promise yourself that you will embrace the improvements that are necessary and the leaps of faith that are required.

The separation changed my life. Many of the changes that I made were positive additions to other areas of my life. I would never tell you that some of those changes weren’t painful. They were. But they were necessary. And I am happier and healthier because of them.

Patience: This was probably the hardest thing for me to cultivate, but it was absolutely necessary. Understandably, separated wives want to reconcile right now – this very evening, if we can swing it. For many of us, the time frame ends up being longer. And that can be okay because gradual changes are more likely to last anyway.

The biggest problem with impatience is that it causes us to push our husbands. And if he is not ready to go at our pace, then he will shut down, thwart us, or just try to avoid the entire process. So we’re actually making things worse instead of better. And ironically, our wait, which we were trying to shorten, is now that much longer.

I cannot stress the importance of patience nearly enough. I know that you miss your husband. Try to find ways to interact with him that don’t include pressure. That way, you miss him less, but you allow for a natural pace.

Resilience:  Resilience means that you understand that although things look bleak right now, it is within your power to not give up and to change things.  There were many days when I wanted to throw up my hands and admit defeat.  I don’t consider myself a naturally resilient person, but I had to develop this attribute.  You have to learn that one bad phone or one bad day won’t mean that you won’t ever reconcile.  You have to develop the mindset to realize that tomorrow is another day, and that you can always try something new.

Clarity: Often, we are sure that we know what is keeping us from a reconciliation. We believe that if we could just solve these couple of problems, we’d have our husband back. Sometimes though, an issue about which we aren’t even aware is standing in our way. Other times, it is actually us (at least in part) who is the problem.

You can’t have clarity without the patience, calm, resilience, and open mind I mentioned above. But clarity is what is going to show you exactly what is standing between you and your husband.

Clarity will allow you to identify and then bridge the steps you need to take to heal your marriage. You can read all the self-help or attend all the counseling sessions in the world, but if cannot cultivate the clarity to allow you to see where and how they apply to you, then they are worthless.

How do you get clarity? Get still. Put aside the petty issues that you think are important but really are not. Listen to what your husband is saying both with his words and with his actions. Watch how he responds to everything that you are attempting.

Watch your own behaviors and listen to your own thoughts. Step back so that you are not taking everything personally. Identify your part in the issues and identify what part you can play in fixing them. Put your pride and indigence aside.

Humility: There are times in this process where you will have to give more than you get. You’ll have to listen more than you talk. You’ll feel very vulnerable, and you’ll need to keep moving forward anyway. You might feel as if this entire process is against you, but you’ll need to trudge along anyway. In order to thrive in this environment, you’ll need the humility to realize that we can all learn something new and improve ourselves – even when we don’t know exactly what the outcome is going to be.

A Belief In Your Own Power And Beauty: At times, it feels as if this entire process will beat you down. It will make you doubt your worth, your power, and your own attractiveness. Always remember that at your core, you are still the same woman your husband feel deeply in love with. And know that deep in your heart, you at the only version of you in this universe. You’ve got this. You just might not know it just yet.

If it helps, you can read about how I cultivated these attributes to save my own marriage at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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Should I Contact My Husband During Our Separation? How Often?

By: Leslie Cane: Many wives greatly fear doing something wrong during their marital or trial separation. After all, if the separation doesn’t work, or if it makes things worse, can a divorce be far behind? The optimal amount of contact (and how to make it) is one of the most common issues that wives worry about. They worry that they’ll make too little contact, too much contact, or that their approach will cause more conflict.

Unfortunately, there is no one definitive answer, but there are some guidelines that you can apply to nearly every situation, even tricky ones, like this one. A wife might say, “I have no idea how often I should be contacting my husband during our separation. He won’t sit down and talk about how things should work between us. It appears that he wants to be rid of me as soon as possible. He left a couple of days ago, and he doesn’t pick up when I call him. I know from mutual friends that he is fine. Things aren’t great between us, but they’re not so horrible that we can’t speak. I want to eventually reconcile, and I do not know how that is going to be possible if he won’t even talk to me. I have read about ‘no contact,’ but I know myself well enough to be sure that this just isn’t going to work for me. Still, clearly, I won’t be able to contact or communicate with my husband as much as I’d like to. How often should you contact your separated husband? What is optimal?”

I do not think that there is an agreed-upon number or a guide somewhere that contains the perfect answer. However, I have a definite answer based on my own separation and the fact that I eventually found a strategy that allowed us to reconcile.

I believe that you should contact and communicate with your husband as often as he will allow AND still be somewhat receptive. And yes, this is a juggling act that is going to require you to be very observant about your husband’s behavior and reactions, and then adjust as you need to.

Why The Right Type Of Communication Is Important: This wife was right in her suspicion that it would be challenging to reconcile without regular communication. While ‘no contact’ at strategic times can sometimes be effective, limited or no contact throughout your separation will usually cause you to drift further apart.

When you’re not communicating enough, you begin to worry that your husband has met someone else. Or you’ll begin to suspect that he’s up to unsavory behavior and doesn’t want to talk because he might be found out. As you can imagine, this just encourages further distrust at a time when your marriage can’t afford more negativity. So, you’ll want to use the appropriate communication at the right time instead.

Tips To May Make Communication Easier And Mistakes Easier To Identify: I know that when the separation is fresh, you want to communicate as much as possible. You want reassurance that your spouse is okay, that he misses you, and that perhaps the reconciliation will happen sooner rather than later. Ideally, he will feel the same way. Unfortunately, though, this isn’t always the case for everyone. This is especially true if you are dealing with a husband who wants space or who is trying to see how he’ll feel when he has some time away from you. Husbands in this category will typically see excessive attempts at communication as you not respecting his request for a little distance.

To get around this, you can keep your communication light and casual. If you have to, resort to texting initially. Sometimes a text that just says, “making sure all is okay,” is preferable to continuing to call when he’s clearly not picking up.

I know that this slow pace can be frustrating, but you can always add to it as you are able. Believe me, it is easier to add than to try to play catch up when you push too hard so your husband is blatantly avoiding ALL attempts at contact.

That said, don’t allow this process to allow you to become so frightened that you fall out of all contact.

Become very good at reading your husband’s cues. If he is receptive and enjoys talking to you, then you can keep right on doing what you’ve been doing. But if he’s abrupt, makes excuses, or wants to end the communication quickly, then you may need to regroup and take a step backward – just for a little while.

Questions To Ask Yourself As You’re Trying To Establish Contact With Your Separated Spouse: As you can probably already see, you have to become skilled at reading between the lines of your husband’s reactions and receptiveness.

Learn to read his cues so that you know when to end the conversation so that he will look forward to communication the next time. Ask yourself if the previous conversation made things better or worse. When it’s consistently getting worse, it’s time to try something new. If it’s getting better, keep with the same strategy until you see new cues that make you consider moving forward.

I always found it useful to let my husband come to me or to take the lead when he would. However, early on, he was not receptive at all. So I had to learn to accept small wins and a more gradual pace. And I had to take the initiative (as he allowed.)

The last thing you want to do is to panic when he’s not receptive and then begin trying to communicate even more or to demand that he pay attention to you. I learned the hard way that not only will he shut down, but he’ll make it even harder for you to communicate with him through avoidance.

Even worse, he’ll begin to look at you as something he must escape. You need for him to look at you as something he wants to move toward, not away from.

I hope this article saves you some time and heartache. I wish someone had talked to me so plainly during my own separation. I believe that you should communicate as often and as positively as your spouse will allow. However, if he is not receptive, you’ll have to learn to work with what you have. But you should not fall out of contact completely. You’ll need regular and improving communication to eventually reconcile. But you can get to that place gradually if you have to.

If it helps, I’ve written about the details of our reconciliation at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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What Does It Mean If You And Your Spouse Can’t Agree On Anything? Is Your Marriage Doomed To Be Unhappy, Troubled, Or Even Over?

By: Leslie Cane: Over the last several months, I’ve heard from multiple people who feel like they agree about nothing with their spouse. Most of the time, it can be completely normal (and even healthy) to have differences of opinion with your spouse. But we are not living in normal times right now. It seems as if the world is becoming more and more divisive with each passing day. So it’s understandable that most of us want to feel as if we are standing in a united front with our spouse. More than ever before, we want our husband to agree with us on current events and important issues. So what does it mean when he doesn’t? Is our marriage in trouble or over? Is there anything that we can do about this? I’ll try very hard to answer these questions below.

A common comment today is something like, “my husband and I were never similar to one another. And for years, this has worked to our advantage. But lately, we can’t even watch the news in the same room without one of us blowing up at the other. It has become increasingly clear that our world views are complete opposites. I feel like right now, there are two types of people in the world. You have people who value decency and the greater good, and then you have people who want to deny the seemingly undeniable problems that are hurting all of us. My husband is in the second category. We can’t agree on anything at all right now. I see the world as irrevocably changing, and this troubles me. And he acts as if this is much ado about nothing. We never had huge marital issues before, but now it feels as if we don’t agree on how to raise our kids, spend our money, or cultivate our relationship. My husband basically thinks that most things will work out if you leave them alone and don’t make a big deal out of things. But to me, he is just sticking his head in the sand and denying reality. I feel like we are two very different people. I don’t want to lose my marriage, but I concede that it is going to be a challenge to live happily in a household that is so divided. What does it mean when you can’t agree on anything with your spouse?”

In my view, it means that you may have some challenges ahead, but it does NOT need to mean that you can’t overcome these challenges or that your marriage is over or doomed to be unhappy. I’ll share why I think so below.

Differences Of Opinion Or Personality Do Not Need To Doom Your Marriage: My grandparents were one of the happiest married couples I ever knew, and you could not find two people who were more different. My grandfather was always the center of attention, and a loud, towering man who was never shy about voicing his often controversial opinion. He was all business, both at home and at work. My grandmother was extremely small in stature and soft-spoken. I don’t think I ever heard her raise her voice or scold anyone, but she also worked tirelessly (and quietly) for causes that were important to her. Yet, she worked behind the scenes and never sought credit or attention. She was deeply religious, but my grandfather never attended church with her. And yet, they just worked as a couple, and were very happily married until my grandfather’s death.

Did she ever become annoyed with him and vice versa? Of course. But the one thing that they shared was a deep respect and love for one another. They knew that they were very different, but they were always going to be the same in their commitment to their family and their marriage. It is when you do not have the respect and the commitment that you may get into trouble (more on that a little later.)

Understanding And Honoring Where You Want The Same Things: Even couples who are polar opposites often want the very same things. They want to feel understood and accepted at home. They want a partner in crime – someone who always has their back in tough times. And they want to feel loved.

When your spouse disagrees with issues or stances that are important to you, it can feel as if they do not have your back. It can feel as if they, and the world, are against you.

But this is when you have to step back, disentangle yourself, and understand that disagreements aren’t personal. Just for a second think about how you’d feel if you had to PRETEND to believe something that you didn’t, just to keep the peace. It would kill your soul a little, wouldn’t it?

Now consider that asking your spouse to always agree with you is the same as asking him to pretend to believe something that he doesn’t. It might kill his soul in the same way.

I’m not saying that you have to swallow your feelings or shut down when you disagree. I’m suggesting that this process is much easier if you remember that couples can disagree and still deeply love one another and participate in strong, satisfying marriages.

The key is how you handle the differences and disagreements.

Giving And Receiving Respect When Disagreeing: Disagreeing with your spouse needn’t be a personal affront. And when you make it one, you only create much bigger problems than the disagreement itself.

The next time you watch the news and things begin to go sideways, try a comment like, “we are going to have to agree to disagree on this topic, but I know that we can agree that the news can be divisive sometimes. I’m not going to let it divide our family, and I hope that you won’t, either. Can we agree on that?”

Define The Nonnegotiable Things Upon Which You Can Agree: I believe that my grandparents had a successful marriage because they learned to compromise and they forged unbreakable agreements on the most important issues. Sure, my grandmother likely wished that my grandfather attended church with her. And my grandfather probably would have liked his wife to speak up every once in a while.

But both knew that they had a committed partner who always put their children, their marriage, and their home lives first. They always agreed that they would work hard, save their money, and invest in their community. The rest could be compromised upon or even ignored. But they were united where it mattered.

The rest wasn’t personal and, in the end, it didn’t matter.

Only fiercely negotiate the things that really matter to your marital bottom line.

All the rest is truly just white noise.

I don’t mean to diminish this issue. My husband and I are very different – so different that we separated for a while. But the separation showed me very clearly that so much that I had made into a big deal was really just fluff that didn’t matter in the end.

Don’t get lulled into thinking differences of opinion are major problems when you have the power to respect one another and negotiate.

If it helps, you can read about our reconciliation at https://isavedmymarriage.com, but don’t allow your differences to get you to that point.  We all need the solace of our marriages right now.

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