Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  Many of the wives who contact me about finding a way to save their marriages realize that they had some part in the marital collapse.  I often hear comments like: “We grew apart,” or “we didn’t make an effort to stay connected.”  Another example is “things just changed between us, and the spark is gone.”  Even though these are vague phrases that could mean any number of different things, most wives understand their role in whatever has happened. Many admit that they weren’t exactly a good wife in the past, but they want to change.

Sometimes, though, I hear from a wife who is willing to shoulder all of the blame and who has a very specific reason that her husband left and wants a divorce.  And often that reason is either the wife or her behavior.  I recently heard from a wife who deeply regretted that same behavior, was sure it was the reason that her husband left her, and insisted that she was a changed person as a result of losing him.  She wanted to know how she could make her husband see or believe that she’d changed in the hopes of getting him back.

She said, in part: “My husband left me last month.  A mutual friend just told me that my husband confessed that he left because he was tired of me constantly putting him last and being so selfish.  He told our friend that he never felt like he was the most important thing to me, that I took him for granted, and that I treated friends or colleagues better than I treated my own husband.  Hearing this devastated me, but once I calmed down, I realized that these things were true.  Looking back, I was often very selfish, and I put my own needs ahead of his.  I neglected him, ignored his needs and wishes, and wasn’t home nearly enough.  I always placed him last because I assumed he would be there no matter what. And he was too nice a guy to make a big deal out of any of this until he just couldn’t take it anymore.  I deeply regret the way I treated him, and if he were ever to give me another chance, I’d prove to him that I’d never treat him that way or take him for granted again.  But he told our friend that he intended to file for divorce because he wanted to move on with his life and start over.  How can I convince him that I’ve changed and that he should take me back before it’s too late?”  I’ll try to address these concerns in the following article.

Focus On Showing Him You’ve Changed Before You Focus On Trying To Get Him Back: Some of the most difficult things that wife was going to need to overcome was the husband’s feelings that her changes were “too little too late” or that they were only manufactured to get him back for the short term, at which time she would probably revert back to her old ways.

It’s common and understandable for a husband who has left (or who is getting ready to file a divorce) to doubt any sudden changes that never happened the whole time that you were married.  So, to avoid him doubting you, you’ll need to move very slowly and take this process one step at a time.   In my observation, wives who place their focus only on trying to get him back have a much higher failure rate because the husband has his doubts, and he doesn’t like feeling manipulated.

One way around this (which has a much higher success rate) is to first focus on showing your husband that you’ve changed before you even make the suggestion or let him know that you’d like to have him back.  Now, he may figure this out on his own or have his suspicions, but the more that you can place the focus on showing him changed behavior and allowing the process to work, the more genuine and believable this is all likely to feel to him.  It’s often very important that your husband believes that he’s made his own evaluations and decisions.  No one wants to feel as if they are a puppet on a string being controlled by someone else because this usually makes them want to avoid, reject, or doubt the other person.

One way to start the process in a way that might feel very genuine is to reach out with an apology (without anything else) in the beginning.  She might say (or write) something like: “I really just wanted to apologize to you for my behavior for much of the time that we were married.  I do and did love you very much, but my actions and behavior didn’t always reflect this.  I was selfish, and I took you for granted.  I wish that I had realized this while it was happening, so I could and would have stopped, but I’m only realizing it now.  I hope that one day you can forgive me, and I want to stress that my behavior was not indicative of my feelings or of you as a husband.  You were a wonderful partner, and you didn’t deserve to be treated the way that I treated you.  I just wanted you to know that I’m truly sorry, that none of this was your fault, and that I understand your getting frustrated with me.  I would feel the same way if the roles were reversed.”

A statement like this is going to do many things for you.  It validates your husband.  It allows him to realize that you are fully aware of your mistakes and deeply regret them. And, by holding off and not asking for anything in return, you’d be showing him a profound change in you.  Because in the past, the wife might have apologized, but she would have immediately placed the focus back onto her and what she wanted (to get him back).  Instead, she’s placing the focus on him and not asking for anything (at least not yet.)  I believe that this approach is much more likely to help her get him back in the right way and at the right time so that their marriage has the highest chance to succeed.

Figure Out Which Behaviors Most Drove Your Husband Away, And Focus On Changing His Perceptions About These Behaviors In A Very Methodical Way: Of course, the apology that I described above is only the beginning.  At that point, you would have only opened the door.  Over time, you must pinpoint which behaviors were most problematic and then address them one by one. For example, the wife kept describing herself as a self-centered person who took her husband for granted.   So, she might first focus on showing her husband someone who is generous and concerned about others before herself.  Once she had some success with this, she might then attempt to show her husband how much she notices, understands, and appreciates the special things he said and did.

As you might suspect, this process isn’t immediate and is often gradual, but because of this, it allows the greatest chance for the husband to actually notice and believe the changes that he’s seeing so that he eventually wants to come back.

When my husband got tired of being taken for granted (and my selfish behavior) and walked out, I did not understand these principles, and I made many mistakes and participated in behavior that only made things worse.   Needless to say, he not only resisted but didn’t believe for a second that I had changed.  Thankfully, I finally realized I was doing more harm than good and was able to change course using the tactics discussed here and save the marriage. You can read that emotional story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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By: Leslie Cane: Many separated spouses come to believe that their marital status is in jeopardy due to a lack of love. Over time, many wives have come to believe that their husbands don’t love them anymore and this is 99% of what lead to the separation. Therefore, they reason, if they could just get their husband to fall in love with them again, they could reconcile and move on with their marital lives.

A wife might say, “my husband has been living somewhere else for about five weeks. He is the one who wanted this. I did not. When he tries to justify separating and moving out, he’ll say things like, ‘I’m just not sure if I’m feeling it anymore.’ Or ‘I don’t know what I want.’ When you combine this with the way he has been treating me, it’s pretty clear that he doesn’t think he’s in love with me anymore. One of his best friends just got remarried and he always compares our very long-term relationship to this new relationship, so my husband convinces himself that we don’t measure up. He also just never seems interested in me or what I’m doing anymore. It’s like he’s detached himself. I’ve tried asking him to do things with me. He usually comes up with an excuse not to. And when he can’t make an excuse, he’s generally polite but not invested. He treats me like a friend instead of a wife. I can’t help but thinking that if I could make him love me again, most of these issues would disappear. We’ve argued more in the last several months, but I can’t pinpoint a catastrophic problem or anything. The biggest issue seems to be his lack of interest and investment. How can I get it back?”

Feeling Intimacy and Loving Feelings ARE Important: I think that some of your instincts are correct. Returning the intimacy and ease of communication in a marriage CAN minimize the issues that lead to the separation. And it can also make most issues easier to navigate. It’s a great start, but it usually doesn’t solve every issue. That said, I always encourage separated spouses to try to restore intimacy first. But I also encourage doing it gradually so that you don’t risk having to push too hard so that you make things worse.

Don’t Make Incorrect Assumptions About His Lack Of Love For You: Many separated people go about it believing that their spouse feels very little love for them at all, so they try large sweeping gestures that either don’t work or make their spouse suspicious or even more stand-offish. You probably don’t need to start from a place of scarcity so that you’re coming on too strong. In fact, it helps to ask yourself if your assumptions about his feelings are accurate.

He Probably Still Loves You, But The Feelings Are Dormant Or Pushed Aside: I have been through a separation and I communicate with others going through them. I’ve come to believe that most of the time, the spouses still harbor some love for one another. Love is not something that you turn off and on in a very short amount of time. Even divorced people will often admit that they will always love the person who is no longer their spouse. The type of love that it takes to marry someone doesn’t just go away.

Often, anger, frustration, or even neglect will put that love into hiding. It will go dormant and both spouses may even believe that the love is actually gone. But I think that this is rarely the case. More often, the feelings haven’t been the focus, so people come to believe that they are gone when they’re not.

Go In With Confidence, Not Fear: If you work under the assumption that the feelings are only dormant, you’re going to come at this much differently. This distinction often means that you can drop the underlying desperation or overblown sense of urgency.

Yes, it’s not ideal to be separated. It’s certainly not the desired state for your marriage to be in. But you are not divorced. You still have a spouse with which to work. So approach it from a place of strength rather than weakness.

And understand the advantages that you do have. Yes, your relationship is not shiny and new, like your husband’s best friend’s relationship. But it is seasoned. And it has a history. No one likely knows your spouse quite as well as you do.

You know what he responds to. You know what he runs from. You know how to be genuine with him. So use these things to your advantage.

Accept That You Can’t “Make” Him Do Anything: When people ask me how to “make” their husband love them again, I wince. Yet, I said this exact same phrase during my own separation, so I know what a huge mistake it is to think that you can make a separated husband do anything. Nor would you actually want to. Here’s why. Anytime your husband believes that there is manipulation involved, you risk resentment and push back. One of your biggest goals during your separation is to get his willing receptiveness to you. If thinks you’re trying to bring him around via any type of force, he’s going to try to stop you, which isn’t what you want.

Be Genuine, And Go Slowly: Many wives feel that they need to go on elaborate or romantic dates to get the love back. Or they make huge gestures. The problem is that the husband is often very resistant to this because he can see you coming a mile away. And these kinds of “high stakes” outings are often rife with pressure so that no one can relax and enjoy themselves.

That’s why I typically feel that you should avoid these loaded outings, especially in the beginning. Stick with short, easy exchanges where you can be relaxed and playful. This might mean that you pick something that doesn’t actually look like a date. It might mean that you pick whatever your husband will agree to and you just capitalize on being together in an easy, comfortable way.

Honestly, my husband and I made a huge deal of progress in a historical park close to home that we’d never visited before. I think it was chosen because it was neutral territory for both of us and we had some non-relationship things to discuss.

At first, we just learned something new, side by side. We didn’t talk about our relationship at all. But it was a beautiful day. The experience was engaging. And there was no pressure at all. The only thing we had to do was to enjoy ourselves.

These kinds of relaxed interactions set a new tone. We had more of them. So eventually, we DID talk about our relationship and were able to make progress and reconcile. But initially, that wasn’t really the goal. I just wanted to be comfortable in his presence again and knew I’d figure out the rest later.

You Don’t Make Him Fall Back In Love, You Set Up Circumstances That Encourage Loving Feelings: I hope this article has shown you that trying to “make” him fall back in love is the wrong approach. But you can certainly encourage him to feel remember that he still loves you by taking an easy, gradual approach. Tone down the tension. Play up the enduring partnership. Be someone willing to listen without expectation. Make it so that he looks forward to speaking with (and eventually being with ) you. You’re coaxing the love back. You don’t have to rebuild it from the ground up as if it’s completely absent. You just have to encourage it to grow again.

Once it’s back, you’ll be in a much better position to work through whatever lead to the separation.  You can read about how I did that when I started with a very reluctant husband at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from separated wives who don’t like the discouraging behavior that they’re seeing from their separated husbands. Many of them want to heal their marriage and reconcile. So they’re hoping to see a husband who is responsive, affectionate, and attentive. Instead, he’s often a bit closed off, guarded, and distant. Understandably, the wives become concerned and talk to friends or family members about this situation. Sometimes, it’s suggested that the husband is “hiding his feelings” for the wife, and cares more than he is letting on.

A wife might explain, “my husband initiated the separation. He told me that he hoped that it would only be temporary and that he only needed some time to sort out himself. In other words, he was the problem. He repeatedly stressed that the problem was not me. He was open to talking regularly at first. Perhaps because initially, we were only talking about the logistics of him having his own place. This lasted for a few weeks. But once things settled down, understandably, I wanted to see him. And I wanted to have conversations and exchanges that were conducive to things getting better between us so that we could reconcile as he alluded to. But every time I tried to have these conversations and meetings, it was like pulling teeth. He’ll talk to me, but he always makes excuses not to see me. The few times we have met up, he acts as if we are just casual friends. He’ll gently place his hand on my back, but that’s it. He hasn’t tried to hug me, hold my hand, etc. When we talk, he tries to keep it to nonemotional topics. I have told some of our mutual friends that I feel as if he’s trying to keep me at a distance, and that I’m starting to doubt that he is actually open to a reconciliation. They tell me that they think he’s just hiding his feelings because he doesn’t want to rush into anything. They also believe that he’s not showing me his feelings because he doesn’t want me to ask about them right now. Is this even a remote possibility? How would I know if he was hiding his feelings for me?”

A Common Scenario To Watch Out For: There are definitely some signs that you can look for – and I will list some of them below. But before I do, I just want to stress that sometimes – no matter what separated husbands feel or even what they want – some men want to take their time during a separation. Even if they miss you and feel the tug of home, they’ve asked for time to sort things out and they intend to fully take it. So trying to rush things will often make them push back because they feel pressured when they have asked for time.

I only mention this because sometimes, there is not anything magical or sneaky that you need to do other than to just give him the time that he has asked for. (And I know that this is hard. This was so difficult for me during my own separation, that I had to literally force myself to do it by giving myself no other option.)

But in my experience, once he feels he’s taken the time to fully evaluate, then he may be more forthcoming with his feelings. He often keeps his feelings private because he knows that not enough time has passed for him to be able to fully examine them. So he doesn’t want to tell you about feelings that might change or evolve in time. And when he perceives that you are trying to shortchange him of this time, he may resent it.

Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, here some signs that might indicate he’s hiding his feelings.

He Still Wants To Know About Your Wellbeing And Experiences: He may not be very forthcoming about himself and his own experiences, but if he still wants to know about yours, then he is likely still at least somewhat invested and he still feels somewhat protective of and responsible for you. And that can be a positive sign.

He Is Still Invested In Shared Assets Or Planned Experiences: He may act as if he’s a somewhat separate entity from you right now, but if he’s still worried about upkeep for your home, is taking care of some of the finances, or has future plans with you, then perhaps he’s not completely separated himself and he likely still envisions a scenario where he may one day live in the house again or participate in shared finances and experiences with you.

He Won’t Even Talk About His Most Basic Feelings Or Experiences: Some husbands in this situation are reasonably open until the point where the wife wants to talk about his current feelings or intentions. Then, he clams up because he doesn’t yet have any answers for you, or he has other reasons to keep his feelings to himself. In this scenario, he’s willing to talk about anything else but his feelings.

However, it can be a different situation if he’s unwilling to tell you his feelings about just about anything. Because this can be a bit of a tell that he’s holding back in fear of “slipping up.” And there can be any number of things that he doesn’t want to disclose, but his feelings could very well be one of them.

“He Can’t Always Hide “The Look:” This is hard to explain, but often a husband who still has feelings for his wife has a certain look that he’ll give off when he thinks that no one is looking. It’s a look of longing with a bit of nostalgia thrown in. This look can be fleeting and yes, it can be hidden. But when you see it, you know it. I knew my girlfriend’s estranged husband still loved her by the way that he continued to look at her – even though his words said otherwise, and even when he was angry at her.

Why A Husband Will Hide His Feelings: Again, there are many reasons because everyone is unique. But sometimes, a husband will try to keep his feelings hidden because he doesn’t want you to misinterpret them. He’s often well aware that you want to reconcile as soon as possible. And even when he suspects that he may want that too – one day – he doesn’t want to rush this process. And he worries that if you know that this is the way he feels, you’ll pounce. This doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to reconcile eventually. It just means that he wants to be thoughtful and deliberate about this. Why take the steps to separate only to rush back into a reconciliation that may backfire? Why not do the work and take your time so that everything happens at the right time?

I’m not defending this thought process, necessarily. I’m just explaining it so that you can see the benefit of not pushing. As you can see, in many of these scenarios, just offering a little time while you continue to inch a little closer is probably the better strategy than trying to force his “real” feelings out of him.

Are His Feelings Enough?: Another reason is that he might be clear on the fact that he still has feelings for you but he isn’t sure this will be enough if you haven’t yet worked on your marriage. He may be waiting to see real change.

He will likely share his feelings once he’s both sure about them and sure about what he wants to do about them.

And you can make the chances better that his feelings will be positive by being empathetic and removing any issues that you know exist. If he thinks you are someone who provides relief rather than pressure he is more apt to eventually reach out to you very willingly. This swing may feel very far away, but it can happen when you least expect it.  At least that was the case for me. And it eventually lead to a reconciliation.  The rest of that story is at https//:isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I wish I could tell you that most of the people who read my articles are dealing with an ideal situation that includes a spouse who is fully onboard with reconciling. Unfortunately, I am a realist. And I know that this isn’t even close to the case. Many of the people who read my articles are wives who feel relatively certain that they are the only spouse who wants to reconcile. Some of them are dealing with a reluctant spouse who won’t disclose what he’s feeling or where he wants to go moving forward. Others are dealing with a husband who has been brutally honest about his desire to remain separated or even to move forward with a divorce. Whatever the scenario, most of these wives feel as if they’re the only ones interested in keeping the marriage afloat.

One of them might say, “I honestly don’t know what to do right now. I know what I WANT to do. I want to reconcile with my husband and end this separation. But that isn’t possible. Because it’s not what he wants to do right now. I feel like I am the only one who still cares about this marriage. I can’t pretend that he’s hostile to me. He takes my calls. He sees me occasionally, but he’s borderline indifferent. He’s never rude. He’s always cordial. But he’s not affectionate or even all that interested in what I’m feeling. If I bring up a reconciliation, he either promptly changes the subject or tells me that he’s not even close to being ready to discuss it. He hasn’t yet asked me to stop trying. But I worry that this day might be approaching. How are you supposed to handle it when you are the only spouse who wants to reconcile? Are you supposed to just bow out gracefully? What are you supposed to do?

Sometimes, The Best Call Is To Bide Your Time While Increasing Your Odds: I’m not sure that there are any hard and fast rules about this. If there are, I didn’t follow them. My answer to what to do when only one spouse wants to reconcile is that sometimes – the answer is just to wait and redirect until you have a better opportunity (which you can help to bring about.)

I was the only one interested in reconciling during my separation. And although there were many days when I was beaten down and ready to give up, I never did. It can be tricky to continue to hold out hope when it feels as if there is pressure to just give up. It can be difficult to hang back and wait for a better opportunity. But you have to figure out a way to do both of these things if you want to play the long game and win. I’ll offer some tips about that below.

Your Wishes Are No One’s Concern But Yours (And You Don’t Always Have To Share Them:) I think we can all agree that both spouses will eventually need to agree on reconciliation to have success. But that is the end game, and you are not at the end.

So while I agree that you can’t force him to reconcile with you, I also believe that no one can force you to feel or to wish for something that you don’t. You’re entitled to your own feelings and wishes (although you may not want to openly act on them if the time isn’t right.) I learned from my own separation that sometimes it’s advantageous not to share these desires if doing so is only going to result in discouragement or rejection.

In other words, if you’re getting negative feedback from your spouse, friends, or family every time you confess that you’re holding out for reconciliation, then you don’t have to keep confessing it. I say this because keeping your feelings close to your chest can be a way to protect yourself, but it can also be a way to get your husband to stop being so resistant and guarded – which can buy you some time.

It May Be Time To Slow Your Pace Instead Of Giving Up: Speaking of buying time, I know that it’s very hard not to push. You feel him resisting, and you want to stop that slide in any way that you can. But often, your desperation only makes things worse.

Instead, you sometimes need to pause or slow down. If he’s not receptive to reconciling, take those talks off the table for now. Talk about whatever he’s willing or enthusiastic to talk about. Yes, you’ll have to lower your expectations for a while and be observant and deliberate. And I’ll admit that at times it’s excruciating to slow down when everything feels immediate – like if you don’t reconcile soon, you may never reconcile.

But that is often just the panic talking. If you would have told me how long it would take for my separation to resolve, I would have been quite discouraged. And I never would have willingly settled for the pace I ultimately took. But I took the gradual approach because I had to. If I had attempted to force a quick reconciliation, I would have failed. My husband would not have been on board. If I’d made him chose to reconcile in my timeframe or divorce before he was ready, I think he would have chosen divorce.

Yes, moving slowly is frustrating. But it’s better than a divorce.

How To Move Forward On Your Own (Until He’s Ready To Move With You.) One of the things that can make this gradual pace so hard is that you feel as if you are stuck. You seemingly can’t move forward with the marriage without his cooperation, so it feels like you are in limbo.

In reality, though, there is plenty that you can do. The single best thing I did during my own separation was to work on myself. I significantly strengthened myself as a person, thinking that this would only benefit me no matter what happened with my marriage. I sought individual counseling. I took classes for nothing more than my own interest. I kept as busy as possible with positive people who wanted what was best for me. I learned that exercise is a great stress reliever and confidence booster. This shift made the time go faster. I even had some fun (and my husband definitely noticed that I was having fun.)

Once I was on a more solid footing, I was in a much better position to take a hard, honest look at my marriage and my part in the deterioration of it. I was ready to see some things I’d adamantly denied before. This meant that when (and if) it was time to come to the table with my husband, I’d be much more willing to compromise and see places where I could give a little more and focus more on patience rather than demands.

If you have some idle time on your hands, work on those personal attributes you know were deteriorating your marriage. This will make you feel as if you have much more control over your situation.

Continue At A Safe Pace, Even When It’s Tempting Not To: About the time my attitude changed some, my husband became a little more receptive since I’d given him some time. Even so, I forced myself to go very slowly. I revised my goals, just wanting to have enjoyable interactions instead of having immediate reconciliation goals each time.

I couldn’t have known it at the time, by I WAS on my way to a gradual reconciliation at this time. And because I’d done so much self-work, I was able to avoid many of the pitfalls I would have stepped right into if I hadn’t taken such an honest look at myself.

Was I somewhat lucky? Yes. Could this have gone another way? Of course. But I took the only path I could – I backed up and was willing to walk around the long way to get to where I wanted to go. It took longer. And it felt quite lonely at times. But I did get there. And I’m glad I never gave up. You can read about our non-linear path to reconciliation at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who are conflicted about a shocking turn of events within their troubled marriages: After begging and pleading with their husbands to make the marriage work; after trying multiple methods on their own only to have him resist them at every turn, their husbands are now suddenly claiming to want to “make it work.” Needless to say, these wives experience multiple emotions at the same time. They’re relieved that their marriage might stand a chance. But they’re resentful that it took so long. And they’re confused about his change of heart.

One of them might say, “my husband and I have been on the brink of divorce for about five months. Some nights, he stays at his office and doesn’t come home. When he is here, he doesn’t put any effort into our marriage or into me. I have begged him to go to counseling with me. I’ve asked him what I need to do to get him invested in our marriage again. I’ve offered to make concessions. He has rejected all of my offers, telling me that he thinks it is too late for us. I’ve faced many crises alone for these months. My mother was hospitalized. I was in a car accident. Whenever these things would happen, my husband would distance himself from me at the time when I needed him most. I felt like I was completely on my own. Honestly, for the past three weeks, I’ve pretty much given up on him. I’ve looked at hiring people to take over the household tasks that he keeps promising to get to but never does, and I’ve stopped looking to him for emotional or physical support. I’d resigned myself to the fact that I’m probably going to be alone moving forward. And then, last night he told me that he was ‘ready to make our marriage work.’ When I asked what brought about his change of heart, he would give me no real answer. When I asked where he’s been these last months while I struggled, he responded that he was here now. But he doesn’t seem to have any plan. It’s as if he expects me to fall over myself to accommodate him. What now?”

Well, that is really up to you. And I understand why you are confused and conflicted. I understand why you’d be reluctant to just blindly trust in what he’s saying after the way he’s acted for the last several months. But, you have to try to take emotion out of the equation as much as you can. Because what you decide now will impact the trajectory of your marriage.

The Central Question: Obviously, the most important question to ask yourself right now is, “Do I still want to make this marriage work?” It seems that you did a short time ago, but you reluctantly began to accept that this might not be your reality since your husband refused to cooperate.

Gage How Your Body Reacts To Both Alternatives: You may not have a ready answer to this question and you may need to sit on it and just let it percolate for a couple of days. Sometimes, it really helps to get quiet and then watch your reaction to both potential realities.

For example, get still and think about trying to make your marriage work and watch your emotional and physical reactions.

Then think about telling your husband that he’s too late and then think about ending your marriage. Watch for those reactions also.

Your bodily reactions will often tell you what you think you don’t know. When you have a negative reaction to an option, your pulse rate may speed up. You might clench your jaw. Or your fists. You may literally feel your shoulders tense up by your ears.

On the other hand, if you feel yourself sigh, or let out a breath, or even smile, then this will tell you something else altogether. You can have a favorable reaction even if you are scared of doing something. And you can have an unfavorable reaction even if you mistakenly think it’s what you want.

Don’t Hesitate To Share Your Conditions: Many people who do this exercise realize that they’d like to save their marriage. After all, this is what they wanted more than anything a short time ago – before their husband’s behavior tainted this desire. But understandably, they’re reluctant now because of their husband’s confusing actions.

In light of this, there is nothing wrong with setting out your own conditions moving forward. There is nothing wrong with saying that while you are relieved that he’s finally come around, you’d “feel so much better if he would commit to…..” (You’ll fill in the blank here with whatever you need – whether that is counseling or to see his genuine enthusiasm and cooperation in working with you.)

Ask Him What He Needs In Return (For Somewhat Selfish Reasons): If you decide to go the route of working things out and you ask him for what you need, you’ll do yourself a huge favor if you ask him what HE needs in return.

It would look something like this, “I’m both relieved and surprised to hear you say you want to work things out. I do have some reservations about your taking so long to come to this conclusion. I’d feel so better if you’d agree to work with me in the way I’ve asked. In return, I’d be happy to do what you ask so that you’re more comfortable going forward. What do you need from me?

I’m going to be honest. This offer is somewhat selfish. Yes, you’re asking him what he needs. And you’re hopefully sincere about providing it. But you’re also asking for important information that he just hasn’t been willing to give up to now. You’ve been wanting to know for months just what it will take to get him on board to save this marriage. Now he just might tell you.

His response will speak volumes. Because he just might spill what he’s wanted from you and from this marriage all along. And this will give you a map as to what you need to do to begin to fix your marriage.

I know that you’re confused and frustrated. But in the end, isn’t it truly the result that matters? If you’d known a couple of months ago that he’d come to you wanting to make it work, wouldn’t that have felt like a victory?

It still can be if you’re willing to regroup. I honestly would have been very shocked if my husband had ever admitted that he wanted to make things work.  Unfortunately, he never came out and said this.  Instead, we began to eventually work together after being separated for far too long.  I would have preferred this route to separating any day.  If it helps, you can read about our reconciliation at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Few things strike fear into wives who want to save their marriages as much as a husband who actually walks out of the door and officially moves out. Sure, plenty of husbands threaten to do this. Thankfully, some only stay with friends or family for a few days. But others go so far as to actually get their own place. When your husband officially moves out so that, at least for right now, you are no longer sharing a residence, it is easy to assume that this act is the beginning of the end of your marriage.

A wife might comment, “My husband left me. He got his own apartment. Fortunately, he does not have a long-term lease. He can go month to month. So I try to take some solace in that. However, his apartment is very expensive. So he has invested a good deal of money and time into finding somewhere else that he would like to live. He seems happy there and also seems quite ready to close the page on me and this marriage. He honestly does not talk about this move as if it’s temporary. That said, he hasn’t filed for divorce. But he also hasn’t given me any reason to hope that he might one day return. Is there any chance of this at all? Could he eventually come back?”

I’ll tell you my take on this and try to offer hope that yes, some husbands do come back. But rather than counting on odds that aren’t always favorable, you can skew the circumstances in your favor by understanding a few realities that I’ll outline below.

Don’t Get Caught Up On The Bleak Statistics: Many wives want to know about the statistics or odds of their husbands coming back. If you’ve attempted to research this, you’ve likely found that there just aren’t many clinical or scientific studies out there. (And most of them are several years old.) However, from those that exist, I’ve seen numbers indicating that around 10 – 20% of couples reconcile. Although these numbers look bleak, there are some indications that up to around 40% of couples will make some attempt at reconciliation – which definitely looks a bit more promising.

I hesitate to put much faith in statistics. Every couple and every marriage is different. But if you’re looking for hope, you can look at the last statistic above and know that the odds are not terrible that you may be able to attempt a reconciliation at some point. And you can also understand that it makes sense to fully seize on this opportunity when it comes (since many couples don’t quite make it to total reconciliation, according to the first statistic.)

To be successful, it helps to understand what often has to happen for a husband to leap from unhappy and living by himself to hopeful and willing to move back in with you. I’ll try to shed some light on that right now. But understand that it isn’t impossible. I’ve done it (and believe me, it looked like my odds of success were very low.) And I know plenty of others who have also.

Understand What Needs To Happen For Him To Want To Move Back In: Many wives assume that for their husband to be willing to come back, they’re going to need to single-handedly solve every marital problem that exists before he’ll even consider a reconciliation. Thankfully, most of the time, this isn’t quite true. Yes, you’ll need to attempt to address the issues that are most problematic for him eventually. And most of the time, you do need to make progress significant enough to make your husband satisfied that there has been a meaningful change that will continue.

But often, the progress that has the most impact is the progress toward rebuilding the closeness, intimacy, and ease between you. I know that this sounds backward. I know it seems like you should solve the problems first so that the intimacy is free to return.

But in my experience, you will be more effective at dealing with your issues once and for all when you are deeply connecting with your spouse again. More importantly, if you can regain even some of the previous intimacy, you will suddenly find your husband receptive to working with you. He’ll suddenly listen to you when he would only ignore you before. He may even initiate communication and contact with you. And I can’t overstate how much this is half of the battle.

Like the wife above, so many wives are in a situation where their husband isn’t willing to offer them much hope or to make much of an effort. So you’re carrying the heavy load all on your own.

But once you get him contributing even a little, everything can change. And he’s often willing to make those contributions only after he begins to think favorably of you again, and starts feeling closer to you.

Start Small. Take A Tiny Step. And Then Another Toward Your Desired Path: One of the biggest mistakes that I see wives make (which I also made) was that they try to tackle too much immediately. These wives have a reluctant, non-participating husband and yet they try to push large, ambitious changes on him almost from the jump. I understand why you might want to do this. I did it myself. You think that you are running out of time, and you don’t have the luxury of waiting. But you have to be careful not to make things worse. If you do, not only will he not often participate in any meaningful way, but he will back even farther away than he already is.

Instead, make your goals and your steps smaller and easier to achieve. You’ll need some momentum to make this work, so make that goal easier by accepting that this will need to be gradual and that you will move forward every time that you can do so.

So initially, you might shoot for productive, upbeat phone calls. You’ll build on this so that every time you speak, you both have something positive to say and no one avoids or dreads talking to the other. Yes, this might mean that you have to be careful about topics of conversation at first. You may have to take on an upbeat tone that you don’t exactly feel.

But once you are sure that your non-face-to-face communications are always going well, then you can branch out to face-to-face, where you can work on making even more progress.

Keep it very simple. Strive for low-pressure exchanges that can be playful and bonding. You want him to feel good when he is around you and to miss you when he’s not. (In the end, this is the dynamic that is going to make him want to come back.)

Yes, you’ll need to be accessible and upbeat. Yes, you will need to work on yourself so that every time you interact with him, he’s dealing with the type of person who is easy to talk to and confide in. And you’ll need to demonstrate that your serious about making the progress that he’s been waiting to see all along. But you’ll need to do it in a genuine way that doesn’t feel manipulative.

Is this a tall order? At times, it can be. Sometimes he won’t react as you’d hoped and you’ll have to try again on another day. Other times, he may be hot and cold, and so you’ll doubt yourself.

That said, getting him home is not impossible. Yes, you might need some luck and some finesse. You’ll definitely need patience. But yes, men who move out do come back home each and every day. Don’t give up.

I was very close to giving up at times. I’m so grateful I didn’t.  But I also had to change strategies until I found one that my husband would accept.  You can read about that at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By Leslie Cane:   I often hear from women who are struggling while they are in a martial separation.  Sometimes, things aren’t going as they had hoped and, since they are separated and don’t have unlimited access to their husband, they aren’t sure about how to handle these issues.  One very common issue is that of phone calls or communication.  Reaching out while you are separated can be hard enough.  But when your husband doesn’t respond as you had expected (or doesn’t respond at all) this can leave you wondering about your next step.

I recently heard from a wife who felt like her husband was ignoring her phone calls during a martial separation.  She said, in part: “for the first couple of days after we were separated, we talked on the phone regularly.  He even called me a couple of times.  But for the last few weeks, my husband has completely ignored my phone calls.  I leave messages.  I call during times that I know that he should be home.  But no matter when I call or what I say, he won’t pick up.  How am I supposed to respond to this? Does this mean that things have changed and that he’s distancing himself from me?  I was very worried that this was going to happen.  When my husband first asked for a separation, I was very reluctant because I suspected that his plan all along was to divorce me because he wasn’t really interested in saving the marriage.  His behavior and his ignoring my calls seems to be confirming that.  How can I find out why he’s ignoring me?  What’s the best way to handle this?”

There are many tricky issues such as this one that can come up during your separation.  Contact is a very common one.  Many wives in this situation intuitively know that how they handle this may well affect the outcome of the separation.  You can have some tough choices to make when you don’t want to keep calling and coming on too strongly, but you don’t want to just let your husband go.  And if you wait on him to call you, then you can really worry that the call is never going to come.  In the following article, I’ll offer some suggestions and considerations on how to handle it when your husband is ignoring your calls while you’re separated.

There Are Various Reasons That Husbands Ignore Your Calls During The Separation. Not All Of These Reasons Are Negative: Many wives will assume that their husband ignoring their phone calls mean that he doesn’t want to hear from them, that he’s sending a negative message, or that this is the first step of him completely distancing himself from his wife and from his marriage.  Sometimes, these assumptions may be at least somewhat accurate.  But, every husband who doesn’t immediately call his wife back during the separation has negative motivations.

Sometimes, the husband is just trying to take some time for himself and he wants some distance in order to be able to fully explore his feelings and thoughts.  (In fact, this is one reason that many husbands will give you for wanting a separation.) And often, when they feel that they aren’t getting this, they will do things to assert themselves or to make it more likely that they will get what they have asked for.  So, this is just one of many possibilities.

It can be a mistake to assume the worst or to allow your mind to immediately jump to the worst case scenario.  And usually when this happens, there’s a real risk that you will over reach, keep calling, and make things even worse.  I’ve had husbands in this situation tell me that that their wife’s insistence that he finally pay attention to her rose to an alarming level.  (I’ve even heard the word stalking used a time or two. This happened to me in my own situation when I was trying to save my marriage.)

This is an easy trap to fall into, but I’d recommend making every effort to avoid this if it’s at all possible.  I’ll discuss how right now.

How To Handle It When You’re Husband Is Ignoring Your Calls During The Separation: As I see it (and from my own experience,) you have two options.  You can continue to reach out in the hopes that he will eventually respond(at a risk, of course.)  Or, you can back off a little bit as a strategic decision.  It’s my experience that although backing off can feel just wrong, risky, and vulnerable, it actually has a much higher success rate.

The reason for this is that often backing off will give him more of that time and space that he was after. And it will create some mystery and suspense, which should place you in a more favorable light.  (In contrast, often continuing on with a strategy that hasn’t worked and continuing to call will put you in a more negative light.)

I know that even thinking about backing off can be difficult, but try to focus on the long term objective instead of the short term one.  The wife in this situation wanted to make one more call.  I got her to agree to this so long as in the next call, she alluded to the fact that she was going to be taking some time for herself and wouldn’t be in touch so much.  As such, she’d just wait to hear from him.

Many wives are very uncomfortable with backing off.  They feel that they need to know why their husband is avoiding them and ignoring their calls.  So many will ratchet up their calls, follow him, or arrange to demand answers face to face.  But I have to tell you that rarely do I see these methods work.  Instead, it usually makes the husband want to retreat even more.

Many wives tell me that, although they understand why I’m asking them to back off, they just aren’t sure that they can do it.  It goes against every instinct that they have because they worry that they can feel him slipping away.  If this rings true for you, see if taking some time away would help.  In my own case, I forced myself to leave town and this helped tremendously.  Or, if that’s not an option ask yourself what is the least that you can do and still feel like you’re in touch.  For example, maybe you can send only one quick text or email instead of continuing to call.  Maybe you will promise yourself  that you’ll give it one more day.  Whatever you can do to keep yourself from coming on too strong or panicking will usually give you a better result, at least in my opinion.

How do I know this?  Because I lived it.  I had to use this same strategy when I was separated from my own husband.  And looking back, I have to tell you that this was probably the only thing that would have worked.  If it helps, you can read more of that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from people who are separated and trying to save their marriages. One recurring theme that often comes up is dating your spouse while separated.   Many people intuitively know that this can be an important part of the process.  After all, if you can regularly date your spouse again and this goes well, that’s part of rebuilding your marriage and showing your spouse that the two of you can have fun, connect again, and still have a spark on which you can and want to rebuild.

But, many couples aren’t quite sure about how to approach this.  I’m often asked for insights on how to best handle dating while you’re technically in a trial separation.  I recently heard from a wife who asked the questions that most people want to know.  She said, in part: “are there any guidelines about dating my husband while we’re separated?  Are you supposed to plan the dates or just let them happen?  Can I ask him or do I have to wait until he asks me? Are there any topics that are off limits? I know that when I’m with my husband I’m going to want to ask him if he’s come to a decision or has any opinions about the chances of us getting back together.  Is it a good idea to have sex on these dates or should I keep things strictly platonic in order to lure him back?  What is the best way for me to handle this?”

I will try to cover these concerns and offer some tips on successfully dating during a trial separation in the following article.

If You Can, Agree On The Specifics Of The Dating Before The Separation Actually Takes Place:  The optimal way to approach this is to agree with your spouse on how this is going to go before one of you actually leaves the home.  So many couples leave this open ended and when they do, it’s my experience that things are less likely to go well.

If it’s possible, it’s a good idea to define how often you’re going to get together beforehand.  If you both have this agreement in place, you’re both less likely to see other people or to do things during the separation that could be detrimental to your marriage.  It also gives you a common goal and something to look forward to.

However, sometimes setting things up before hand isn’t possible because one spouse wants to “wait and see” or is reluctant to commit to regular dating.  In this case, it’s best not to push and to take advantage of the time that you do spend together.  If you get the sense that your spouse will be reluctant to commit to anything beforehand, then it’s better not to push for this and to just make things seem spontaneous (even if you were planning them all along.)  It’s OK to ask your spouse out on a date.  I don’t think you always have to wait for them.  But make sure that you sound casual and allow them to ask the next time around.

Don’t Use Your Dates With Your Spouse As A Marriage Counseling Session:  This is a very common mistake and also a very detrimental one.  Many people feel as if they have to take the temperature of their marriage during these dates or they use them to “work out” their problems.  In my opinion and experience, this is truly a mistake.  The whole idea for these dates is to bond with your spouse again and to prove to both of you that you can get a long, have fun together, feel the spark again, and reconnect.

You make this less likely if you insist on diving into your problems when the marriage is already struggling.  While I concede that you will eventually need to address any problems, the time to do so isn’t during a date that really should be fun.  Many people don’t even realize that they are doing this until they look back on the date and ask themselves what went wrong.

Try To Find New And Exciting Activities That You Haven’t Experienced Before.  Although It’s Tempting To Revisit The Past, Focus On The Future As Much As You Can:  The vast majority of people who contact me about this issue also tell me that their date destinations are usually either the old standbys or based on attempts to evoke nostalgic memories with their spouse.   They’ll take their spouse to the location of their first date or continue on with their Friday night traditions.

This is fine every once in a while.  But I would suggest not always relying on what you did in the past.  You want to create a sense of new adventures and fun.   You want to laugh and feel very alive during this experience.  Try things that you haven’t done together before and always keep everything very light hearted.

I know it’s easy to fall back on the familiar, especially when you might already be struggling emotionally during the separation, but it’s very important that the dates go well so that you both want to have more of them.  So the last thing you want to do is to find yourself on the other side of the same table where you’ve always sat having the same conversations you’ve always had.  Shake things up a bit.  I think you’ll be happy with the results.

What About Sex During The Separation?:  People ask me about this a lot.  Wives in particular usually ask if it’s a good idea to limit sex when you’re separated.  The thought process behind this is that if she has sex with her husband when he’s not living with her, then what is his incentive to come back home?

I understand (and usually agree somewhat) with this thinking, but I also know that this is easier said than done.  And, many people see things quite differently and think that if they can have good and regular sex with their spouse during the separation, this is going to improve their relationship, strengthen their bond, and make their spouse less likely to cheat or date other people while they aren’t living in the same house.

Both of these approaches have points with which I really can’t argue. I truly think that it depends upon the couple and where they are in the separation process.  I would caution you against using sex as the main way to get your spouse back.  I would also say that sometimes having sex while separated can create some conflict and misunderstandings as this can mean different things to both spouses at the time. As a result, hurt feelings and resentment may follow.

I would suggest that if you’re going to have sex while you are separated, make sure that you are doing so because you want to express and share your feelings at the time, and not as a way to lure your spouse back or to play emotional games.

Unfortunately, I didn’t understand these strategies during my own separation and I did many of the things I told you not to do.  This seriously backfired and meant that we almost got divorced as the result.  Luckily, I realized I had to change course and shake things up a little and this eventually worked.  If it helps, you can read more about that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who believe that their worst case scenario has now happened because their husband has finally got angry or frustrated enough to move out.  They are often struggling with living alone for the first time in a long time.  And they are often worrying about what is going to happen with their marriage.  It’s very normal to assume that your marriage is practically over when your husband moves out, but I strongly believe that this doesn’t have to be the case.

I heard from a wife who said “my husband left and moved out last weekend. He had mentioned it before, but I honestly thought that I had talked him out of it. I guess I was wrong about that. More than anything, I want for our marriage to work. But obviously, I’m worried that this can’t happen if he moves out. I can’t believe it’s come to this. I’m so depressed over this.  I know that I have to pull it together, but I am having a hard time doing that.  When my friend’s husband moved out, I told her that they could eventually work things out, but they were never able to do that.  So I know that I can try to put on a happy face, but part of me knows that I’m kidding myself.  I don’t want to let my marriage go.  But part of me feels that I am going to be denying the inevitable and playing mind games with myself.  Is it better to just try to force myself to try to let my marriage go?”

Unfortunately, I didn’t have a lot of information about the circumstances or problems that lead to the husband moving out or what he said when he did, but it’s my belief that just because one spouse moves out, this doesn’t necessarily mean that the marriage is over or that you have to just let go immediately. I will discuss this more below.w

Why I Don’t Think That One Person Moving Out Means That You Need To Immediately Give Up On Your Marriage:  I know that you probably feel incredibly panicked and vulnerable right now.  Suddenly, the bed that you are sleeping alone on feels so very big and you start to hear every little noise because of the silence that wasn’t there when you lived with your husband. And perhaps you have some friends who are insinuating that it is time for you to say good riddance or to start living your life as a newly single woman.

Often, people just do not understand how foreign and wrong this all sounds to you, especially since this is all so new and painful.  And often, what people don’t really understand is that immediately letting go or giving up lessens your chances of saving a marriage that might have been saved.  Sure, there may come a time when it’s clear that it’s time to move on.  But that time generally doesn’t come immediately after a spouse moves out.  It’s my opinion that you owe it to yourself to at least try to a few different things before you just give up, which leads me to my next point.

There Are Times When A Spouse Moving Out Can Actually Help:  It’s generally a pretty fair bet that by the time your souse actually moves out, your marriage has been struggling for more than a short amount of time. There’s generally a problem or issue that has become so bad that the spouse who leaves has distanced himself from you or now believes that the feelings between you aren’t just enough to overcome or compensate for the problems.  However, sometimes when you spouse moves out and is no longer faced with those same problems on a daily basis, the problems no longer seem quite so insurmountable.

And sometimes, his feelings for you no longer feel so distant.  There are times when he begins to miss you and he begins to realize that it might be worthwhile to once again try to address the issues that he thought were insurmountable before.  And the reason that he can see this when he couldn’t see it before is that he now sees that life isn’t as wonderful as he assumed.  He may not have come to this conclusion on his own if he weren’t alone and suddenly full of introspection.

Of course, I can’t tell you that this always happens.  But it’s my belief and experience that you can tip the odds in your favor by not panicking and by trying to remain upbeat and positive, especially when you are interacting with your husband.

Waiting To See What Happens Is Not The Same As Putting Your Life On Hold:  Sometimes, when I encourage people to hang in there for at least a little while, they mistake this to mean that they should hang on their husband’s every word or to just stay home and await his call. This isn’t what I mean.  If you put your life completely on hold, you tend to become more impatient and this can come off as desperation, which, let’s face it, isn’t all that attractive.

There is nothing wrong with continuing to live your life.  In fact, time and experience has told me that this is precisely what you should do. I certainly don’t mean that you should see other people or do anything that is going to jeopardize your marriage.  But I do mean that you should see supportive friends who put a smile on your face instead of staying home, listening to sad songs, looking at old photos, and allowing yourself to become more and more upset.

I can paint this scenario because I myself have experienced it.  I used to play the same depressing songs in the same order for night after night until I just got sick of feeling so bad and depressed.  It’s very important that you don’t allow yourself to get too down right now.  Him moving out doesn’t necessarily mean that your marriage is over, but it’s very important that you remain upbeat so that you can attract him with a positive attitude rather than deflecting him with a negative one.

And in my opinion and experience, it’s worth it to give it some time and some effort before you just decide to give up.  I am glad that I didn’t give up and accept that my marriage was over.  It wasn’t over, but it took me awhile to convince my husband of this.  It became easier once I understand a few basic truths about human behavior.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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