Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I don’t normally write titles like this. But I hear from wives who regretfully describe their behavior as “psycho,” especially if they are going through a break or separation. I don’t judge because I acted this very same way during my own separation. In hindsight, many of us are embarrassed and disturbed by our behavior, so we fully expect our husband to be put off (mine certainly was.) But we’re still hoping that our lapse in judgment isn’t going to completely disqualify us from reconciliation. In other words, most wives want to know if there is any way back from this huge mistake, or if they’ve messed things up for good.

A wife might say, “I’m mortified to even recount what I’ve done. It’s not like me. And all I can say is that it built up to where I’d just had enough. That doesn’t excuse my behavior, but it might explain it. My husband wanted a separation, and nothing I said or did could change his mind. To make me compliant, he said that we would see and talk to each other all of the time. I trusted him. Needless to say, we do not talk and see one another regularly. We see each other rarely. And we only talk when I initiate it. And even then, it is difficult to get him to have a real conversation. I invited him to do something with me last weekend, and he begged off and told me that he was going out of town. Needless to say, I ran into him with a group of people (including some women) on the day that he was supposed to be traveling. He lied. He wasn’t out of town. He just made an excuse so that he didn’t have to spend time with me. He wanted to party instead. I admit that I was enraged. And I approached him and started yelling. And one of the women in the group told me to ‘calm down.’ This completely set me off. I got right in her face and started screaming, and I pushed her. My husband turned to the group he was with and said, ‘let’s go.’ They started walking away in the opposite direction, but I couldn’t accept this. So I followed them and continued to scream and carry on until one of my husband’s male friends told me that he would call law enforcement on me if I didn’t stop following them. Needless to say, I continued to yell until I basically tired myself out and then I sat down on the sidewalk and bawled. I calmed down the next day and I tried to call my husband, but he wouldn’t pick up. I tried to text, and he ignored me. The friend of my husband texted me and said that the women were with other males, not with my husband. I know I’ve messed up big time, and that my husband probably doesn’t want anything to do with me right now. Is there any way that I can ever get him back after acting like a complete psycho?”

There May Be A Way, But It Requires Much Restraint:  I’m not going to lie to you and tell you that there is no harm done or that you didn’t just dig a bit of a hole for yourself because you know in your heart that you did. 

But I can also tell you that it’s possible to allow things to die down and then to try to come back another day – when the situation is better.

I know that you likely feel quite desperate to get your husband to understand that you are deeply sorry and that this type of behavior won’t ever happen again. But this is a slippery slope. Because unless he is very receptive and understanding, you are likely to step in it again. And you risk making things even worse.

In my opinion and experience (because I stepped in it more than once,) it is better to back away and allow things to calm down. If you want him to know that you’re sorry, you can send a short text saying something like, “I sincerely apologize for last night. It will not happen again.” And then you have to make sure that it DOESN’T happen again. 

I realize that this can be a huge challenge. It was so hard for me not to continue to bother my husband or to act desperate. So I actually left town for a while to force my own hand. This was, quite frankly, another act of desperation. But it actually did make my husband curious enough that he was eventually receptive to me again. But – and this is very important – I let him set the pace. I no longer pushed or tried to dictate to my own fear and discomfort. And this process took longer than I wished, but I had no choice but to wait. Pushing would have depleted any tiny bit of patience my husband had left. 

Leave Your Agenda At The Door:  I completely get it. Your biggest goal right now is to get your husband back and to reconcile. That is the end goal that most of us have. And it’s very easy to allow this to dictate your every action and behavior, which is a huge problem. Because that means that you are always going to have an agenda when you deal with your husband. And he knows it. And because of this, he doesn’t take what you say or do all that seriously and sincerely.

You truly need to get a place where you lower your expectations – if just temporarily. If you can convince yourself that for right now, you’re only looking to communicate with him in a healthy way, then that is going to fundamentally change many things. Once you have success with this – and it may take a while considering where you are starting – then you will set another goal. That goal could be to very gradually increase the amount of communication. Have patience as you attempt to achieve this. Keep yourself busy with other things. Take a break from this when you need to. This process SHOULD NOT consume your life because if it does, it will show and your husband will know.

Step Back. Release Your Tight Grip: As hard as it can be to remember, you are a human being separate from your marriage. You are a daughter. You may be a sibling. You are a friend. You might be a parent or neighbor. You could be an employee or student. You are other things besides a spouse. And it helps to focus on other things while you are trying to be patient and slowly work yourself back into your spouse’s life.

If this is the center of your world, you will come on way too strong and you will be too much. I say this with compassion because I came on too strong. And I was much too much and my husband almost walked away entirely, until we eventually reconciled. (That story is at http://isavedmymarriage.com)

Calm it down for now. He can be the center of your world again when you reconcile. But for now, you have to back away so that you can eventually once again gain some ground. 

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By: Leslie Cane: Unfortunately, many spouses facing a crossroads in their marriage also face a spouse whose feelings are not conducive to improving things. The ideal situation is two spouses who are still crazy about one another but who are struggling with some workable issues. Unfortunately, this situation is somewhat rare. Instead, you commonly see at least one spouse who believes that his feelings have changed. Often, he doesn’t try to hide this. In some cases, he’s even aggressive about it – almost daring his spouse to confront him.

A wife in this situation might say, “for the last several months, my husband has avoided me and ignored me as much as possible. However, when he is forced to interact with me, his face gives him away. He looks at me as though I’m distasteful. Like he smells something that stinks. When he looks at me, his face crinkles up and his nose lifts. It is definitely not a look of endearment. It is a look that tells me that he wishes he were anywhere else than with me. On top of this, he has zero patience with me. No matter what we’re doing, my part in it is wrong. I can do nothing right in his eyes. He never ever compliments me or acts proud of me. Instead, he has become ashamed of me. It wasn’t always this way, but his new attitude toward me has definitely become the norm. I don’t quite understand it. I certainly don’t look the same as when we were married, but I’m not even close to ugly. I am well-groomed, fit, and I dress carefully. I’m also accomplished and far from stupid, even though he treats me that way lately. He hasn’t asked to separate or move out. But he’s clearly distancing himself from me and from our marriage. I want to be clear. I still love him. But I almost feel as I need to preempt what I am sure is coming – his wanting to pause or end our marriage. Should I try to stay with a husband who treats me with contempt and appears to find me distasteful? I do want to stay, but living this way makes me doubt myself and does terrible things for my self-esteem.

You Can Stay Without Accepting The Current Situation As A Permanent Solution: Anyone could sympathize with this wife because she’s in a catch 22 situation. I can tell you that being separated and living alone does not do wonders for your well-being and self-esteem. I lived that, and it was honestly one of the lowest periods of my life. At the same time, it can’t be any fun living with someone who not only never shows you any positive emotion, but who comes closer to showing you disdain.

My opinion is that it would be easier for you to stay if you are still invested in your marriage but want to save it. Because it can be challenging to reconcile once you no longer live under the same roof. (It’s not impossible. I did it under those circumstances, but I’d still recommend avoiding it.) That said, I’d also advocate doing everything in your power to improve your marriage, which should, in turn, improve your husband’s treatment of you. It’s easy to doubt this, but I found it 100% true in my own case and in many others that I have observed over the years.

Why The Health Of Your Marriage Impacts His “Distaste” Or You And The Marriage: It’s nearly impossible to miss your husband’s changing perceptions of you. Most husbands do not attempt to hide their changing feelings. Some of them don’t even deny it when you bring it up or draw their attention to it. But what they often won’t do is explain why they’re exhibiting this behavior. They won’t give you a straight answer when you ask. Sometimes, they don’t know the answer themselves.

They only know that their feelings and perceptions have changed. As a result, their behavior changes. He probably doesn’t know why he’s doing it. But the answer is almost always that something has changed to make him feel that he’s no longer getting what he used to be his for the taking.

I know that sounds awful. But try to think about it rationally. This wife freely admitted that her husband didn’t always treat her this way. Most husbands are at their sweetest and most attentive early in the relationship. It’s easy to figure out why. Things are exciting and new. Resentments haven’t yet built up. Your focus is almost entirely on one another.

As the years pass, your attention must turn to other things. And partners often take one another for granted, or even turn to other support systems. As a result, intimacy wanes. Some spouses take this in stride and find other ways to be close. And other spouses resent the hell out of this, become passive-aggressive, or express open “disdain” for their spouses. That may be what is happening here. (I’m assuming that there is no infidelity or other serious issues with the husband that the wife doesn’t know about (because that would be something else entirely.))

Try To Address And Find The Soft Spots: What I have written above might ring completely true for you. Or, it may not. You know your marriage better than anyone else. If you are really and painfully honest with yourself, you likely know your biggest soft or vulnerable spots. You likely have a pretty good idea about what your husband’s biggest source of resentment is.

Your best course of action is to not only address but to try to remove that soft or vulnerable spot.

You’ll have to figure out the best time to do it. Because it may not be possible immediately. If your spouse is still somewhat receptive to you, then there’s no time like now. But if your spouse has developed a hard shell, you’ll need to move gradually.

You’ll need to find easy ways that you can build a rapport. You may have to start very slowly. You may have to settle for pleasantly talking about things that don’t even matter (at first.) This is okay. You’re trying to move from disdain to a more pleasant existence.  Try to make it pleasant and fun.  You deserve to have fun sometimes too.

When you get to the point where he’s more open to you, then you can begin to address those soft spots. Sometimes, just giving more attention to them can fix them, and other times, you’ll need to have some really honest conversations.

I know that this might sound like a daunting road, and I admit that it’s often a gradual process. But I can tell you that when your spouse suddenly drops his resentment and coldness, you will notice a very fast and dramatic change in his behavior.

His disdain can turn into affection very quickly as soon as he feels heard, seen, and loved. And when you’re no longer dealing with his coldness, then you will also feel loved. It’s really a win for both spouses and it may be less difficult than you think.

If you want to read about how I gradually went from my husband completely avoiding me to him willingly wanting to reconcile, that can be read at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: It’s not unusual for me to hear from upset wives whose husbands have very vaguely asked for “freedom.” Unfortunately, these husbands rarely define or clarify what they mean by said freedom. Because of his inability to be clear, a wife will often assume the worst. Does this mean he wants a separation? A divorce? An open marriage?

You might be wondering why the wife doesn’t just ask him. I’ll tell you why. Because wives are afraid of his response. Most of these wives do not want a separation, divorce, or open marriage. So understandably, she does not want to open these options up for discussion.

She might say, “My husband and I got in a bit of a fight this weekend, and he lashed out and demanded his “freedom.” I must admit that I was angry and didn’t want to engage with him, so I just stormed out. I was hoping that he would forget the entire thing, but this morning at breakfast, he decided to remind me about his request for freedom and said he is visiting his brother that lives two hours away. He did not indicate that he was staying for long. And as far as I know, he didn’t ask for time off from work. So this may be just a temporary thing, but he’s been so unhappy with me lately, that I’m afraid he means that he’s soon going to want long-term freedom. And I can’t bring myself to broach this. I’m not too pleased with him either lately. But I don’t want to alter, end, or pause my marriage. I want to work things out. I actually want LESS freedom, not more. And I fear that this is a sign of bad things to come. I’m scared to pull the lid off of this. So I’ve pretty much said nothing. I’m not sure what else to do.”

I have to tell you that I understand this strategy, and I even somewhat agree with it. I’ve seen too many situations where the husband wasn’t actually thinking of beginning to move away from his marriage, but once the wife puts the idea into his head, he can’t get it out. From that point on, it really is an uphill climb to get him fully invested in his marriage again.

I’ve come to some conclusions about what I think is best to play this scenario, simply because I’ve seen it go wrong via common pitfalls too many times. Here are some tips.

Make A Conscious Effort To Give Him ‘Safe’ Freedoms: We all wish our husbands wanted to blissfully be with us all of the time. But that isn’t realistic. Everyone needs time to themselves. And frankly, sometimes people need time to themselves for reasons that don’t have as much to do with you – or your marriage – as you might think.

That is why it’s best to not panic and overreact. Sure, he may be blaming or distancing from you because he’s going through a rough time, and you are the most convenient target. But this doesn’t mean that with a bit of patience and finesse, you won’t come through this just fine.

The easiest and perhaps safest option is to encourage any safe attempts at “freedom.” Going to his brother’s home is probably not anything to be concerned about. Hanging out with friends you like and trust is probably healthy also. Exploring solo hobbies can also a good option. If you make sure that you try to remain close while he’s home and present, then this doesn’t necessarily need to feel awkward. If he’s happier, it will in turn make your marriage better. And if he feels that you’re trying to help him be happier, then this whole freedom business may end quite quickly.

When He Wants More Freedom Than You’re Comfortable With: Of course, when some husbands ask for “freedom,” they are not talking about the wholesome and innocent kind. They want a break from what they see as the limits and demands of marriage. These husbands may be asking to spend time with people or activities that you may find objectionable.

It helps to try your best to make him clarify exactly what he wants and why. Then when you are sure that you’re understanding exactly what he’s requesting, you have to ask yourself what you can and cannot live with. After this, you can try to negotiate and compromise until you have a situation with which you can both live. You can also re-evaluate the situation after a set period of time so that you don’t have to live with it forever.

Trial Separations, Divorce, Or Pausing Your Marriage: I know that this is the worst-case scenario for many wives. And I agree that it makes sense to try to delay or thwart this process. (I was separated.  It wasn’t fun.)

Common strategies are to ask him to wait to move out until you have a certain amount of time to try to work things out via counseling or other methods.

Or you can offer to move into a spare bedroom so that he has more space and freedom in his own home.

I know that neither of these options may sound great to you, but they’re much better than actually allowing him to move out. Because once he does, you don’t have as much control or access, which can make things a bit more challenging (but not impossible.)

If he won’t take these offers and insists on leaving or moving forward, try to get him to agree to see or speak to you regularly, so that at least you’ll have regular contact to work with.

I need to stress that a man who leaves or seeks more permanent freedom does not always mean the end of your marriage. Plenty of people navigate temporary marital breaks or separations and then reconcile. Sometimes, the marriage even improves as a result.  (I was one of those people.  You can read that story at https://isavedmymarriage.com

So please don’t panic, make demands, refuse to compromise, and make things worse. It helps to start with the easiest and less damaging solution and see if he will take it. Depending on his response, you’ll move forward  and adjust as you are able.

But always try to remain patient, optimistic, and reasonably accommodating. You want your husband to know that you’re still very invested in this marriage, that you want him to be happy, and that you’re willing to work with him. If he believes all of these things, he should be less motivated to leave the marriage.

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By: Leslie Cane: It always seems like an advantage when both separated spouses agree that they’d ultimately like to make their marriage work. Sure, they’re aware that the process is going to take effort, patience, and compromise. But half the battle is being on the same page. In my experience and observation, you have a higher hill to climb when one spouse wants to work things out, and the other does not. 

That said, it isn’t always smooth sailing when both people intend to make their marriage work. The spouses can disagree on how to get from conflict to compromise. They can disagree on the issues themselves. And one may be more willing to meet in the middle than the other. If you’ve ever negotiated something that is very emotionally important to you, only to be disappointed and hurt with the outcome, then you have a tiny taste of how upsetting it can be when you both want to work things out but find yourself thwarted when you attempt to get there. 

A wife might say, “Before my husband moved out, we agreed that we ultimately wanted to try to make our marriage work. My timeframe was more hurried than his. He is in no hurry to do anything, but I did believe that we wanted the same thing. I’ve tried to be patient. After a couple of months, I finally asked him if we could start working on our marriage. I wanted to find a counselor and work very methodically. My husband feels that we can just “talk things out.” He has asked our pastor to pray with us, but that is not counseling. And “talking things out” did nothing to help us avoid a separation. We made no progress with that strategy. But when I point this out, my husband acts as if I am being difficult. I haven’t said it, but I feel that he’s the one being difficult. His attitude is detrimental toward us reconciling. To get that done, we need to spend increasing amounts of time together. But if I have to guilt him into making good on his promises, I don’t look forward to this process. I’m already sick of this. He’s already on my nerves. His attitude is dooming us to failure before we even get started. Sometimes I wonder if he’s sincere about working it out. What now?”

I have a definite opinion about this. And I will warn you that it may sound weird or unconventional. But I used it myself, and it ended up working quite well for me. In fact, I think it was probably one of the few strategies that could have worked. It’s simply this. “Working” on your marriage needn’t feel like work – especially at first. 

Why Your Strategy May Be Doomed Before You Even Start:  If your spouse is already starting to get on your nerves, that’s a good sign that it may not be an ideal time to start dissecting your marriage. Your spouse might hear everything you say as criticism, and you might see his reluctance to do things your way as a reluctance to move forward toward reconciliation. Neither of these things is true, but that doesn’t always matter. Belief is sometimes reality.

The bottom line is that with your marriage a bit fragile with the separation, you need to set it up so that you gain momentum and see continuous success, no matter how small. 

When you meet resistance, take this as a sign to regroup and try something more easily achievable. Don’t keep pushing until he’s openly resisting or working against you. 

When Working On Your Marriage Doesn’t Look Like Work At All:  This might sound silly, but your most persuasive goal right now should be to get to a place where you’re happy to see your husband, and where your communication feels more effortless, natural, and affectionate. You certainly don’t need to be romantic again yet. But you want to reestablish a playful rapport. 

So go someplace together where you can just enjoy yourselves. Talk about topics about which you can laugh or reminisce. In other words, take the “work” off the table for a while. Just reconnect. Just let down all the negative feelings and pressure.  

Keep it low key, inexpensive, and easy. This is a very achievable way to improve your communication and compromise. Once you’re relating easily to your spouse again, then you can very gradually begin to truly “work” on your issues in the spirit of compromise.

Go Into It Knowing That You’ll Each Have To Give To Get:  I can save you a lot of time and frustration by telling you that no one’s separation and subsequent reconciliation goes in the way they expect it to go. Your spouse will disappoint you at some point. You’ll say something you regret. But you can compensate for these things (at least somewhat) by approaching this in the spirit of compromise and accepting less than perfection. 

What matters is that you are working together on a shared goal. You won’t always agree on the best way to get there. But if the commitment and the love are still there, and you throw in some flexibility, compromise, and patience, none of this is impossible. 

Don’t Be Afraid To Try Something New: Your husband’s behavior might be frustrating right now. But see if changing the strategy will change his behavior. Once he’s no longer feeling quite so pressured or judged, he may relax and fall into a more agreeable pattern. As you re-establish a playful relationship, you may once again see the version of your husband that you fell in love with. And he may see a much less “difficult” and judgmental version of yourself. 

I am not being critical. I know firsthand that no one is at their best when they’re afraid of the thing they love the most coming to an end. I am not proud of some of the things that I said and did during my own separation, and I think my husband would say the same.

But what ultimately mattered is that we eventually got it together and we reconciled. It wasn’t in the way we thought, and it was a bit unconventional. (The rest of that story is at https://isavedmymarriage.com ) But we’re still here. And that is what counts. 

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By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from wives whose primary goals are to prevent a divorce, end a separation, or get their husband to come back home.  I recently heard from a wife who felt that she was going to be able to prevent a divorce (simply because her husband was claiming he didn’t want one) but who had no idea whatsoever how to get him home.

She said in part: “we’ve been separated for the past nine weeks.  Things are up and down with us.  Sometimes, I think we’re doing a little better and sometimes, it’s clear we’re doing a lot worse.  Every time things look better, I ask my husband to come home.  He always refuses.  And every time he refuses to come home, I ask him if he’s going to file for divorce.  He always reassures me that he has no intention of doing that.  So I’m left wondering if he won’t come home but doesn’t want a divorce, what happens?  I’m certainly glad he doesn’t want a divorce, but what good is a marriage if your husband doesn’t live with you and refuses to come back home?”  I’ll try to address these concerns in the following article.

Understand That His Not Wanting A Divorce Is A Positive Sign On Which You Can (And Should) Build: I understood why this wife was so discouraged.  She felt like she wasn’t making any real progress.  But I also felt that she shouldn’t ignore what was good about this situation (which was that her husband kept repeating that he didn’t want a divorce and had no immediate intentions to file for one. )  I dialogue with many wives who would give anything to make this same claim.  Many are trying to save or improve their marriage when either a divorce filing is imminent or has already happened.

So, although his not wanting a divorce may seem like a small consolation, it is, in fact, a big one.  It means that you potentially have the luxury of much more time so that you don’t have to rush or push.  It also means that you have time to evaluate a plan, try it, and then tweak it as you see your husband’s reactions.  Not everyone is able to do this because the deadline of the divorce is looming.

Take Your Immediate Focus Away From Getting Your Husband To Come Back Home And Place It On Improving Your Relationship In A Very Low-Pressure Way: There was not any doubt that this wife’s main goal was finding a way to get her husband to come back home at any and all costs.  Every conversation and interaction always ended in the same way – with the question “when are you coming back home?”  If they had a great time together, the wife would end the evening by pressuring him to come back home.  When they fought, the wife would end the argument by saying that if the husband were home where he belonged, then none of this nonsense would be happening.

This dictated the tone and the outcome of their interactions pretty much every time this couple was together.  The husband knew that the questions about coming home were imminent and so he was never truly relaxed.  He also was beginning to avoid his wife because he also wanted to avoid the “coming home”  issue.  I very much understand how much the wife wanted him to come home. I’ve been in this situation and I know how it feels to think that you can’t spend one more night alone.

But sometimes, you have to almost force yourself to look at the bigger picture.  You don’t want your husband to come home because you wore him down or because you finally got your way.  Him reluctantly coming back home is not really a victory.  If he comes home by force or under duress, how much effort do you really think he’s going to put into making your marriage work when he’s not even sure if he wants to be there in the first place?

In contrast, if you take the “coming home issue” off of the table and instead focus on just improving things between you (without worrying about what the outcome is going to be,) you’ll often notice that both of you start to relax and that things don’t feel nearly as rushed or as forced. The whole idea is that you can laugh and interact without pressure or a larger issue hanging over your head.

Once you both are relaxed and are just letting things unfold, you’ll often find that the relationship will start to improve.  When this begins happening, you must use some restraint.  It’s going to be very tempting to jump right back on the “come back home” bandwagon, but it is in your best interest to resist this urge.

It’s my experience and opinion that the best case scenario (and the one that you should strive for) is the one where your husband decides to come home on his own without your pressuring him.  This is the only scenario that ensures that once he does come home, he is truly invested in your marriage.  I know that you are probably worried that this scenario is never going to happen on its own.  But I promise that if you back away a little bit, you will very often get better results than if you kept pushing when it’s clear that your doing so is only making things worse.

He’s made it clear that he doesn’t want to come back just yet even after you’re repeatedly pressured him.  What is going to change just because you’re continuing on with that same strategy?  The point is, just repeating what doesn’t work isn’t likely to suddenly make your husband enthusiastic about changing his mind.  So, changing strategies is often the best call.

And changing strategies by focusing on the positive rather than the negative is usually the call that is most likely to work.  Because if you can improve the relationship while taking the pressure off, your husband is much more likely to decide for himself that it’s time to come home (since most of the things that made him reluctant to do so in the first place should now be removed.)

For way too long, my focus was only on getting my husband to come home at all costs.  I couldn’t see the forest for the trees.  Once I realized that I had to give him something to want to come home to, the light bulb went off in my head, I changed strategies, and I found a strategy that eventually worked.  If it helps, you can read more about this process on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: There are a few crises that readers of this blog fear the most – the day that a husband leaves for a separation, the day a husband files for (or is granted a divorce,) and the day that you get up the courage to ask your separated husband to come home and he refuses. All of these scenarios take the mystery and uncertainty out of things, but for the worse. It’s suddenly clear that he’s actually leaving, that he truly wants a divorce, or that he is uninterested in returning home. Understandably, these realities can be a crushing blow. However, one of the scenarios that still offers some hope is the husband who doesn’t want to come home. Why? Because, if and when you play your cards right, this scenario can and does change sometimes. It may feel devastatingly permanent. But it doesn’t always stay this way.

A wife might say, “My husband did not frame what we were on as a separation. That was actually very clever of him. Because he knew that I would panic and fight or oppose him if I thought that I was actually separated. Instead, he told me that he was just going to stay with a mutual friend of ours for a while so that the increasingly frequent difficulties between us might have the chance to calm down. He tried to sell this as a positive thing for our marriage, and I very stupidly went along with it. But it was clear pretty quickly that he pulled a fast one. He wasn’t readily available when I’d call him, or even when I’d come by. He rarely tried to see me in the beginning, and he never tries to see me now. I have to basically force myself on him to have any communication at all. It is like he’d love to pretend that his wife and his marriage don’t exist at all. I admit that last week, I let my emotions get the better of me. And I waited outside by my husband’s vehicle at his job. I know what time he gets off of work, and I knew that this meant that he couldn’t avoid me. I should have taken a hint and realized from his reaction that he was unhappy to see me. But again, I panicked and let my emotions take over. I couldn’t stick to safe topics, and I eventually just blurted out that I missed him and needed him to come home. When he tried to change the subject, I just straight up said, ‘Haven’t you had enough of this? Don’t you want to come home?’ And his response was, ‘No I don’t want to come home. Certainly not yet.’ And then he told me that he had something to do, excused himself, and left me standing there. I know that I’ve made things worse. But I can’t stand the thought of him not coming home. What can I do? What are you supposed to do when your husband tells you he doesn’t want to come home?”

These are difficult questions, but I have definite answers based on my own experiences. Now, this is just one person’s opinion. I don’t have scientific proof as to why this worked. But I tried several different options when I was in the same situation. And I am quite clear on which option worked, and which option did not. And, looking back, I believe that I now understand why I was successful with the strategy I used.

Don’t Push Harder. He’ll Only Double Down: I suspect that many wives in this situation are tempted to double down. I know this because it’s exactly what I did. I know how it feels to be in the desperate state of knowing that your husband and your marriage are drifting away from you, and you need to do something right now to reel them back in before it is too late. But this is very often the worst choice you can make. A husband who has already told you that he’s not yet ready to move forward is likely just going to continue to act negativity as you continue on with the same strategy. He may even pull away more, making your situation even worse.

Turn Your Attention To The Low Hanging Fruit And The Issues And People You Can Control: It is very common and understandable to feel restless when your husband is living away from home. It feels as if disaster and heartbreak are around every corner. It feels as if something awful is going to happen momentarily. But you must break free from this sense of immediacy if you want to for things to calm down so that you can focus on real change that might bring real results.

You may have to absolutely force yourself to stop the behavior that you know is hurting your cause. So how do you fill the time once you vow to do that? You focus on easily achievable things. Who can you control right now? Yourself. What positive actions might actually bring you closer to what you want? Self-improvement. Exercise, counseling, close friendships, extended family, and helping others. Please hear me out and open your mind to this because I suspect that it is likely to yield better results than your current path. I know that it’s possible that your husband won’t go to counseling with you, or won’t even communicate with you. What’s the stop you from going yourself? What’s to stop you from taking the first steps toward improving your marriage on your own. You likely know the issues that are standing in your way. Begin to fix them, even if you have to begin by yourself.

Yes, I know that you want to turn your attention on your husband instead of yourself. But for right now, your life will be easier if you just gratefully accept victories with the low-hanging fruit. Put coming back home out of your mind for now. Just focus on steady, positive communication with your husband when it is available to you, and know that you can eventually build upon that. Be careful, though. Because if you push and ruin even this, then you really are starting from ground zero. And you don’t want to do that.

Sometimes, when you stop pushing and pressuring, he will come to the same destination that you wanted him to – all on his own. That’s the better outcome anyway. Because he will believe in it, and he’ll know that the decision was his, since he wasn’t coerced.

Become Someone He Wants To Come Home To: I know that you are likely rolling your eyes or sighing as you read this. I would have had the same reaction. But I can tell you that this is the more effective strategy, even if it may well be the most difficult one to embrace. Again, you can control yourself. You can improve yourself. You can strengthen yourself. You can work on those things that you know are hurting your marriage. Of course, I want you to do this because it is a healthy option for YOU. But you may also want to do it because it will put you in a much more advantageous position when your husband drops a bit of his resistance.

Husbands who see wives pull back on the pressure and improve themselves will often look around to see just what has happened. Since you’re no longer trying to manipulate him, he may become more receptive to you. And suddenly, you are a much better version of yourself who comes to the table with new skills, a new outlook, and a new dose of patience.

Do you think this puts you in a better position in terms of your husband coming home? You bet it does. But even then, you still don’t want to push. You want to go at a natural pace, or better yet, at the pace your husband sets. I know that I am asking you to use patience when you don’t feel any.

But I’m asking all of these things of you because I know that they are the very things that turned things around for me and for my marriage. They weren’t easy to implement.  But they worked.  The rest of that story is at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: There are potentially many painful experiences one goes through when on a trial separation, especially if you were not the spouse who initiated it. Many of the readers of this blog did not want to separate. Most of them are trying to figure out a way to end their separation as quickly as possible. To that end, many want to know how they should act around their separated husband to maximize the chances of reconciliation.

To do that, it’s important to understand what separated husbands truly want from their wives during the actual separation. And this can be trickier than it sounds. Because men are notoriously vague when you attempt to ask them to define how they envision or want the separation to play out.

A wife might say, “I honestly do not know what my separated husband wants or expects from me. We’ve had several conversations now where I’ve attempted to ask him how often we’ll see each other, how we’ll handle the house and finances, and how much distance he wants to keep between us. I’ve directly asked him what he wants to accomplish for our marriage during our separation, but I never get a straight answer. I honestly am not sure that he actually knows what he wants – except that he wants a break from me. He won’t come out and say that, but it’s obvious. I would like for him to remember that we are married, and I’d like to talk to and see each other regularly, but I don’t know how realistic this is. Because I’m afraid he will be resentful if I try to push myself on him. At the same time, I’m afraid that if we have limited contact, it will be out of sight, out of mind. I’m afraid that he will move on quickly and feel relief that I’m no longer in his life. Is there any way to know what he wants or expects? What do men really want from their wives during a trial separation?

Every man is different. Every marriage is different, so every separation will be different. That said, I believe that I have a pretty good idea of general things that men would like to have when separated. I base this on my own separation and from speaking with many separated individuals and couples.

He Wants That Elusive Sweet Spot of Space: Men who initiate a separation have usually wanted one for quite a while. It often takes time for them to get the courage to bring it up. As a result, he’ll often want an immediate pause in the conflict. And to accomplish that, he’ll often ask for “time,” or “space.” Unfortunately, very few husbands carefully define what they mean by this.

So you will have to become good at reading the cues he gives. Because many husbands will say that they want lots of space and then will soften some when they get lonely or realize that going solo did not solve all of their problems. Or some will have the opposite experience and promise lots of contact and then change their minds.

You’ll often have to watch for his reactions when you communicate or are together. If you get the sense that he isn’t receptive, back off. If he seems to want more, then gradually move forward.

He Wants Access To His Kids, Loved Ones, Or Pets: Many wives will understandably play every card in the deck to maintain access to a separated husband. That’s why some believe that using kids or other loved ones or family members as leverage is fair play. Many believe that if he wants to see loved ones who still live in the house, well then, he must go through the wife to make that happen. I understand this thinking. Sometimes, you feel justified in using whatever advantage you have. But I can tell you that a man in this situation will almost always resent it if he suspects that you are using the people or things that he loves to gain and advantage. And this will hurt your chances for reconciliation in the long run. When you give him liberal access to the people or things that are just as much his as yours, then he will likely see you more favorably.

He Wants Your Patience And Empathy: I understand why wives want the separation to end immediately. I felt the same way. But pressuring your husband to reconcile before he is ready will almost always hurt your cause rather than help it. Likewise, telling your husband that he is selfish and immature for prioritizing his own happiness will likely cause him to avoid you and to delay access even more. As difficult as it may be, I know from experience that it is in your best interest to be patient and to have empathy. If you can see your husband as someone who is trying to work through a difficult time (exactly as you are,) then you will likely have a much better result. Likewise, if you can convince yourself that it’s better to have a gradual, successful reconciliation than a rushed reconciliation that fails, you are more likely to restore a committed marriage.

He Wants To See At Least Improvement Of The Most Problematic Issues: Finally, as difficult as it might sound right now, usually it takes some sort of forward motion to initiate a reconciliation. In other words, the things that were dividing you are going to need to change, and to hopefully improve substantially. Because why would he want to reconcile without such change? I realize that this may seem impossible if your husband isn’t willing to go to counseling or to have important but difficult conversations. But I believe that such improvement is possible if you are willing to move deliberately and gradually. Yes, you need a good deal of self awareness, deliberation, and patience. But you usually don’t need to fix everything. And I found during my own separation that gradually increasing the ease and comfort between you will often help substantially. When you like and respect your spouse again, you’re able to work through conflict much more efficiently than when you are angry and defensive. You’ll often find that the best thing that you can do is to just try to restore the ease and compatibility between you. Once you can accomplish this, the rest becomes much easier to manage.

This is by no means an exhaustive list of what separated men want. But I believe that it encompasses many of the most important issues. We often mistakenly believe that his expectations are unrealistic or unreachable. This isn’t always true. Often, he just wants to feel better about your relationship and the way that you interact with one another. Once that hurdle is crossed, you’ll often find that he is more willing to meet you half way with the rest.  At least this was the stance that I took.  And it eventually worked, even though I had a separated husband who was very reluctant to promise me anything.  You can read the whole story at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Any talk or messages from your spouse having to do with a separation can be scary. This is especially true if you suspect that your spouse is not as happy in your marriage as you are. One example is when your spouse repeatedly announces that he is dreaming about a separation or divorce. Is this a veiled message? A warning? Should you worry? Or panic?

A wife might say, “when my husband first told me that he’d dreamed that we separated, we both laughed. He said it in a light-hearted, joking way. And the dream WAS funny. He’d separated from me because he decided to be a monk and travel to faraway places to meditate. Neither of us thought this meant anything because it was so out of the realm of our reality. My husband is as far away from a monk as you can get. However, as time passed, things began to get a little shaky emotionally between us as stress and conflict entered into our lives. He wasn’t as anxious to get home to me at the end of every day, nor did he go out of his way to be attentive, reassuring, or loving. That’s why it gave me pause when he brought up the separation dream again. I tried to make a joke of it, asking ‘is it the monk thing again?’ No, he said. The dream must stem from the fact that we’ve drifted apart, he guessed. This time, his dream hit too close to home because it was like his dream was mirroring our reality. I hugged him, and said ‘well, I’m right here, and I don’t plan to let you separate from me.’ That was a couple of months ago, and this morning my husband came to me and told me yet again that he’d had the dream, and that he thinks his subconscious mind is trying to tell him something. He then came out and said that maybe we should take a break. I was stunned by this, although I guess I can honestly say that I sort of had a warning. But these were dreams, no reality. And I honestly believe that dreams don’t really mean anything. Am I wrong about this?”

I don’t mean to sound cynical. But in some ways, you are totally right. And in another way, you are completely wrong. Let me explain. 

A Dream Is Just That, Except When It Isn’t: You are right to think that even ominous-seeming dreams can have completely innocent meanings. Sometimes dreams about separation and/or divorce have nothing to do with your relationship or marriage. The interpretation can be as innocent as the dreamer is afraid of losing something (or someone) in his life. Or the dreamer is afraid of (and wants to avoid) drastic change. Or the dreamer is facing a loss in some capacity of their lives that isn’t their marriage.

In this case, you’d be completely correct in thinking that his dream doesn’t really mean anything. He’s assigning meaning where there is none. And that is frustrating and unfair. 

That said, the fact that he sees and is assigning meaning to these dreams could mean that, at least at this time, he thinks that a separation is possible. Or he believes it is (or wants it to be) in your future. Not only is he continuously bringing it up, but he is taking it even further by suggesting a break. He may be using the dream as a mechanism to have the courage to bring up the possibility of separation. But you’re not going to know which of these scenarios apply until you dig a little deeper. 

Identifying The Elephant In The Room: You could try something like, “I am shocked and saddened by this. Are you just responding to these dreams, or do you just really want to separate? If so, could you share why? Taking a break or separating is a big step, and I hope we can talk about it much more before we have to actually go there.”

The whole purpose of this is to try to get a glimpse into his thought process and motivations. Does he really put that much emphasis on the dreams? Or does he just want to separate because he isn’t happy in the marriage, or for some other reason? If so, is the reason something that you can address (and possibly erase so that separation isn’t even necessary?)

I know that this is scary, and it is easy to panic and respond in a way that you may later regret. Keep in mind that you still have time. There is no reason to panic. He hasn’t moved out. No official “break” has been pursued yet. 

Moving From Talk To Action: If you can keep things pleasant and open up some dialogue and healing, he may not even move forward with any break or actually move away from you. Perhaps he’s just looking for some improvements and change, and all this talk of dreams and separation is his attempt to scare you into paying attention.

Often, it may seem like men bring up these types of things out of the blue, but in reality, they believe that they’ve been dropping hints and bread crumbs all along – hints that were ignored or brushed aside.

Perhaps bringing up the dreams is his way of attempting to force you to take this seriously. So give this the serious attention that it deserves and requires. Let him know that you’re listening – quite intently. Stress that you are more than willing to work with him to come up with a solution that hopefully makes everyone happy and brings about real and meaningful change. 

Honestly, I know that you may be silently cursing these dreams. But perhaps it is time to thank them. They may have given you the warning shot that you need to avoid disaster. So long as you address the most problematic issues, then maybe there will be no separation, and all of those stressors that have been causing conflict and building may finally fall away so that you can both have the marriage that you want. Once those things happen, there is no reason for him to talk (or dream about) a separation. 

This is the ideal.  I didn’t move quickly enough to facilitate true change, and I ended up separated as a result.  Although I did eventually figure out a way to save my marriage, it would have been much less painful and terrifying to avoid separating in the first place.  You can read more at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: In the past, I’ve heard from wives who’ve asked about wife or spouse abandonment syndrome. Many of them found this term by googling what they were experiencing – a husband who left a seemingly happy marriage with no warning and then completely and totally closed the door on his marriage and spouse. He wanted no additional contact from his old life, and seemingly felt no remorse whatsoever. He either had no valid reason for wanting out, or he’d found a new partner, to whom he was seemingly totally devoted. Some of these wives describe this scenario as a death. One minute the most important person in your life is present. And the next minute, he is not. When you grapple with this, he becomes frustrated and defensive if you try to ask for answers. He wants you to just walk away (or accept that he is going to.)

A wife might say, “There is no doubt in my mind that I’m experiencing wife abandonment syndrome. My husband of 12 years completely abandoned me. One day, seemingly out of the blue, he decided that he could not take one more day of our marriage. He bowed out on me the day that we were going on an overseas vacation. We had been planning this vacation for years. We’d waited until our kids were older, and when we had the money to comfortably travel. Well, that day finally came, but as I was putting together some last-minute packing, he told me that not only was he not going on vacation with me, he was moving out and leaving me. He said he hadn’t been happy in years. Looking back now, I wish I’d gone on the vacation alone. But I didn’t. I stayed home and tried to get answers. It was soon clear that there would be no answers. He refuses to communicate with me in any way, almost as if I’ve done something wrong. I know I’ve done nothing wrong. He’s distanced himself from some family members and mutual friends as well, because he knows that these people are going to express outrage over what he’s done. He offers no financial or emotional support. It’s as if he wants me to pretend that he has dropped off the face of the Earth. Well, I obviously can’t do that. I know my next step is to get an attorney and tend to the financial implications of this, but I don’t want to do that yet. Because I’m hoping that he may one day come to his senses and realize his mistake. Is this even possible? How many men who abandon their wives come back?”

A Lack Of Statistics. An Abundance Of Challenges: I do not mean to be discouraging. And I suppose it is possible that he could change his mind, but, as you’ve probably already seen for yourself, there are very few statistics about this. So we honestly have no way of knowing what percentage of these husbands return home. I’d be willing to guess that these husbands come home less often than the around 15-20% statistic you see for separated spouses reconciling in general.

And the reason for this is that wives who don’t fall under spouse abandonment syndrome may still have a husband who is communicating with them. If this is the case, you can at least gradually attempt to move toward rehabilitation. In contrast, in cases of abandonment, you generally don’t have regular communication so your opportunities for reconciliation are less.

As a result, any wife who has any sort of success in this situation would need to be an absolute master at seizing on communication opportunities and building upon them. It’s not impossible.  I did this, and I was eventually able to rebuild my marriage because of it. But I must admit that I didn’t have quite as many challenges as this situation poses (although at times my own challenges felt insurmountable.) Still, I don’t want to discourage you. Anything is possible.

Prioritize Change And Respect Over Reconciliation At Any Cost: I can understand why you’d want to give your husband the benefit of the doubt, especially when this behavior is completely out of character. He’s clearly not himself. And no one wants to give up on their marriage without a fight.

But you also want to make sure that you are conducting yourself with dignity and expecting that he does the same. It’s not ideal to throw your marriage and your spouse away like an object that you just don’t want anymore. There were years of togetherness, and a home and family built together. That isn’t something most people just discard without a backward glance – which is why I’d suggest that any eventual attempts at reconciliation address why he felt it was okay to abandon you without warning.

We do know that men who abandon their wives tend to be the type of people who will avoid conflict at all costs. In other words, he simply put off talking about your marriage until he could no longer do so. And then everything came pouring out at once.

So he must learn to speak up when something is bothering him instead of waiting until he can’t stand another moment of the problem.

The Right Approach Can Make A Huge Difference: Admittedly you’ll need to make a series of steps from where you are now to get to where you want to go. And you can either try to initiate the first steps or wait for your husband to change his stance a bit. Which you chose depends upon his attitude toward you when you attempt to approach him.

You can’t force him to listen to or engage with you if he’s unwilling. Sometimes, you have to come at this from another angle and communicate with him about issues not related to your marriage just so that you’re communicating again about anything at all. Then, you’ll be able to build on any gains that you make.

As you’re doing this, you mustn’t present yourself like something that is damaged but still up for grabs at his whim. His abandonment is not in any way your fault. You did nothing wrong, and you shouldn’t need to convince him of your worth. He may not see it right now, but that is not a reflection on you. So always hold your head high and resist the urge to act if you have something that you need to make up for. (If anything, it is the other way around. ) Understand that if you portray yourself as something broken, your husband is likely to follow that lead – making reconciliation less likely. Put your shoulders back and conduct yourself like a self-respecting wife who is waiting for her spouse to return to normalcy with a reasonable explanation for his behavior, and a plan to keep it from happening again.

Ensuring my own self respect was difficult at times.  I definitely did not always succeed.  But other people will often treat you in the same way you treat yourself.  I didn’t want to give my husband a pass to treat me with a lack of respect. You can read the whole story of our eventual reconciliation at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many separated wives encounter behaviors from their husbands that they were not expecting. Of course, no one can know what to anticipate from a separation. No one can predict the future. But some wives are surprised to find that the same husband who rushed to get out of the house now seems interested in her emotions. In fact, he’s so invested that he appears to be playing with these same emotions. Many wives have no idea why he would do this when he didn’t seem to care how she felt when left. Is this behavior of his based on vanity? Cruelty? Boredom?

A wife might say, “honestly, I thought my husband was no longer invested in me or my feelings. I was sure that he no longer cared about our marriage. Ever since he left our house to pursue a separation, he’s been pretty distant. He doesn’t communicate about himself very often, so I rarely know what or how he is doing. And I assume that this is the way he wants it. That’s why it’s kind of shocking that when he does reach out, it seems that his immediate goal is to get an emotional reaction out of me. He will say things that he knows will make me react. He’ll tell me that he heard a song that made him think of me. He’ll ask if I miss him. He’ll say that there’s no denying that he will always love me. Considering our circumstances, how can I believe this? It’s weird because I don’t think he wants me to miss him. And I doubt his love for me. When I try to initiate any activity that would encourage a reconciliation, he shoots it down. He’s given me zero indication that he is interested in saving our marriage. Instead, he seems to be having the time of his life. He’s seemingly doing the things he always wanted to do now that he’s not tied down by a wife. I am bracing myself for him to ask for a divorce. So why would he play with my emotions like this? What does he care if I miss him?”

I can only theorize. But first, I want to offer some reassurance that your husband’s behavior isn’t all that unusual. My husband (who wasn’t interested in reconciling for a very long time) also toyed with my emotions during our separation. And my husband is definitely not a cruel or malicious person. And I do not even think he realized what he was doing. But I think there are some simple, innocent reasons that a separated husband may still want some control over his wife’s emotions. Here are a few:

He Wants To Know That, In Your Eyes, He Still Has It: Many people experience at least some insecurity when they are separated. Let’s face it. When you are married, you have a built-in audience. When your marriage is cruising along, you know that someone values you, finds you attractive, and cares about you. But when you’re separated, all of these truths are now in doubt. Even though he’s no longer actively living with you, (and you may suspect that he’s not as invested as he once was,) he may still want some reassurance that he still matters to you and still holds some value.

He Wants Confirmation That You Are Still Invested: Most of us assume that our separated husbands have already moved on and have no interest in looking backward or in reconciling. While this may be true at some points during the separation, things can change. Husbands know this. That’s why they’ll often want to make sure that, should he change his mind and want to come home or re-enter your life, you will be open to this. By consistently checking in with your feelings, he’s essentially taking your emotional temperature to make sure that you are still receptive to him. After all, things are not always as they appear to be. He may not be as happy as you assume. Or there may come a day where he’s tired of being alone, and he realizes that the separation was a mistake. If that day comes, he wants to make sure that he still has an in with you.

Where Does All Of This Leave You?: Even when you understand that his toying with your emotions probably isn’t malicious, this push and pull isn’t always fun. It can be painful and confusing. Wives often wonder if they should just endure it in silence or just hope that it’s a positive sign. That really depends on how troublesome this behavior is to you. Sometimes, when you understand why a husband perpetuates the behavior, it becomes easier to endure. You can see that it might actually be a good sign rather than a bad one. Other times, this distinction doesn’t matter.

If his actions are more painful than hopeful, you could always try to bring this to his attention. You might say something like, “while it’s flattering to hear you say that anything makes you think of me, comments like this confuse me. You’ve given me the impression that right now, your priority is not me or how I feel. And then you say things like this, which seem to contradict my assumptions. Care to offer a clarification? Am I just reading too much into this? Please understand that I’m not complaining or asking you to stop. I like hearing that you still consider me sometimes.”

Make sure your tone is light and doesn’t sound accusatory. Because the last thing you want is for him to STOP caring about how you feel or to pause before showing any kind of emotion. You don’t want him to think that he can’t say what pops into his head for fear of you taking it the wrong way.

He may reassure you that he still cares very much, or he may tell you that you’re over-thinking it. But at least you’ve let him know how you feel, (hopefully without making him defensive.)

At the end of the day, unless you think your husband is only trying to hurt you, there may be innocent reasons for this behavior. It’s not necessarily a bad sign. In fact, it can often be a good sign, which hopefully makes it a little easier to endure. In my case, I believe it was a good sign because eventually (and after some carefully calculated behaviors from myself,) my husband DID become open to reconciliation.  And we are still married.  That entire story is https://isavedmymarriage.com

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