Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I remember the day that the crushing realization hit me that my husband didn’t love me in the way that he should anymore.

It wasn’t after a horrible fight. Nothing dramatic happened. It was just the nothingness of it. The indifference. There was an undeniable shift in the air. And I could no longer pretend it wasn’t there. 

I felt as if I’d lost the most precious thing I had. I felt like I’d gotten the worst possible news.

So I understand wives from whom I hear the same lament.

They might say something like this: “I have been thinking in the back of my mind that my husband doesn’t love me anymore because he is very cold to me and he’s quite dismissive. However, when I mentioned this to him, he denied it and made me feel like I was paranoid. So I tried very hard to put it out of my head.

Well, last night we got in a run-in-the-mill argument. It wasn’t even that bad. We were both just tired and frustrated. But he blurted out that I was right. I asked him what I was right about, and he just came out with ‘I don’t love you anymore.’ Once this was out, we both just held our breath. He went storming into the guest bedroom and today he said that he’ll probably look for a new place for a while.

I knew he felt differently, but I can’t believe things are happening this fast. And I can’t believe he dropped it on me like this. I’m so hurt. And I’m so frozen. His stance makes me think I can’t do or say anything to change his mind. I know that we’ve been going through a rough patch, but I am very clear that I still love him. So I’m beyond hurt that he would just tell me he doesn’t love me as though he were announcing a new preference. What in the world can I do about this?”

I understand how this feels. And I can respond from my own perspective. But keep in mind that everyone’s husband – and everyone’s marriage – is different.

Sometimes “I Don’t Love You’s” Are Said for Reasons Other Than Love:  

I need to get this one out of the way. There are times when a husband is going through a dark phase in his life. He’s just not happy for various reasons, and he can’t quite figure out why. So he’ll start to think about cutting the things that might be the cause. Some men change jobs when they go through this.

Or they pursue new interests or friendships.

Others, unfortunately, begin to think that it is their marriage or their spouse that is making them unhappy. So they’ll want to experiment with space or time apart.

And occasionally, the spouse will eventually realize that it wasn’t the marriage that was the problem. But of course, by then the words can’t be taken back. 

I want to bring this up because there is always a chance that he doesn’t exactly mean what he’s said, even if he doesn’t know that yet.

Never Underestimate the Power of Change and of Time:

For the sake of argument, let’s pretend that your husband is absolutely sincere about not loving you anymore. He’s not pretending or being hyperbolic and he believes what he says.

I am sure my husband believed what he said, too.  

But what is true today doesn’t have to be true tomorrow. My husband loves me very much today. Did we do much hard work and have a bit of luck between that day and this? Absolutely. I’d never deny that.

But, very gradually, as I began to methodically remove the issues which I knew were causing problems, he became more receptive to me. And as he became more receptive to me, I started to be very conscious of showing him the qualities he loved about me in the first place. 

Very slowly, the love returned because my husband came to believe that he could finally trust in it. 

I promise you that it didn’t happen overnight. Some days, I was sure that it wouldn’t happen at all. And I can almost guarantee that it wouldn’t have happened if I had remained sad and done nothing. It only happened because I was very patient and I was very proactive. I also got lucky every once in a while.

Don’t Let Your Pain Cloud Your Judgement Right Now: 

I know how much this hurts, but I would caution you to not panic or get desperate. I can tell you from experience that these things lead to very unattractive behaviors.  

And these unattractive behaviors may push your husband away or even more and make things worse. I created a very deep hole for myself by acting desperate and a little unhinged.

I know that I’m asking a lot, but you will help yourself if you remain calm and try to act reasonably and methodically. People don’t end up divorced over a few days.

The issues may have been festering for a while, so they aren’t going to be erased in one swoop, either.  

What you can do, though, is to take advantage of the opportunities you have to remind your husband of why he loved you. Be the competent, positive person you always were. Conduct yourself in a way that is above reproach. Don’t give him any reason to dig in.

But give him plenty of reasons to change his mind. 

 I know that this is a huge challenge when he has dug this line in the sand. But time has a way of changing things. Improvement has a way of changing things.  

You don’t have to accept that this is the last word if you are still invested in your marriage. It may be a bit of a long game, but I know that it can be won. Take an honest inventory of where you are now and where you need to go. Then, little by little, begin heading toward your goal as you can.

Some days you’ll make progress, and others you may not. But always keep moving toward that goal. I had to commit to playing the long game during my own separation.  I sometimes had to force myself to keep going.  But thank goodness I did, because I got my marriage back.  You can read the whole story at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who feel as if they’re having to fight against their every inclination during their marital separation. They’re reluctantly separated because that’s what their husband wants. 

And therefore, they feel pressure to begin to “let go.” But, deep in their hearts, letting go is absolutely the last thing they want to do. And they wonder if they absolutely have to do this. 

Someone might say, “My husband demanded to separate for weeks before I would actually talk to him about it. Once it was clear that it was going to happen whether I wanted it to or not, I finally conceded to discussing it. But my husband didn’t really want to talk. He wanted to take action. He wanted out – at least temporarily.”

“He won’t tell what he thinks the chances are of us getting back together. But his actions don’t give me a lot of hope. He never wants to spend time with me. He doesn’t always pick up when I call or text him. It seems that he’s going out and having a high time when I am mostly miserable.”

“Some of my friends say that I need to let him go in order to hold onto my own sanity. But I just don’t see how I can possibly do that. Are they right? Do I need to let go of my separated husband? If so, how?”

I know that no one can know how someone else feels. We can’t physically experience another person’s feelings.

But I do have a good idea of how this wife feels feel because I had friends telling me to let my husband go during my own separation.

For that very reason, I’m not objective about this. I have to be honest about that. What I say here is going to be clouded by how I felt and what I did. So please keep that in mind because everyone, and every marriage, is different. What worked for me may not work for you.

But below, I am going to give you my take. I know that plenty of people won’t agree, and that’s fine. But this is what I found to be true.

No One Can Tell You What to Feel in Your Own Heart:  

People often ask me when they have to stop loving their separated spouse. My answer is when they decide that it no longer works for them.

For myself, I figured if I wasn’t divorced then no one could expect me to just turn off my feelings. No matter how bad things got, I always held out hope, at least in my own heart.

And I’m going to be honest, even if it had come to that (divorce,) I probably would have still loved my husband – in my own way – until the day I took my last breath. Yes, I know I would have had to move on. And I’m sure I would have. But my feelings are my own.  

My parents are divorced. They both remarried other people. And yet, when one them became ill, the other poured out so much love and grief that it shocked me. Again, you can’t just end your feelings because they’re painful or inconvenient. 

There is a Difference Between “Letting Go” and Stepping Back:”

Even though I’ve said that I wasn’t ready to stop loving my husband or to begin to let him go, I do have to admit that I had to step back.

And this was because of our circumstances. In the beginning, my husband wasn’t receptive to me. The more I pushed myself on him, the more he pulled away. The more he pulled away, the more desperate I became.

It became an awful cycle where I was only making things worse with each passing day.

So I eventually had to admit that if I were to have any chance of gaining ground and eventually getting him back, I was going to have to stop trying to do too much and back away some. I was going to have to let him come to me at least some of the time.

I can’t tell you how daunting this seemed to me at the time. And I had to play all sorts of mind games with myself to see it through. I also had a strong group of friends who I told to make sure I stuck to this. 

Pivoting from Clinging to Patience:  

Another mistake that can fall under the umbrella of letting go is clinging. When we think we might be forced to “let go,” then we have a tendency to cling. 

And when you cling, this action may not be attractive to a spouse who wants space. That same spouse may push you away as a result.

I found that it was in my best interest to force myself to stop clinging and accept that I would need patience. Yes, this was very challenging. It meant that I didn’t let myself call every time I wanted to. 

 It meant that I didn’t come by if I wasn’t invited. I had to consciously keep myself busy so that I wouldn’t succumb to my impulse to cling.

But it did pay off. Eventually, my husband got curious. And that was the start of a change.

Did I let go during this time? Not even a little bit. My stepping back was based more on strategy than actual feelings. In fact, my feelings actually intensified during this time. But I was the only one who knew it (except for my best friend).

My husband may have suspected it, but as long as I respected boundaries, he didn’t call me on it.

So my answer to the question of “should you let go of your separated spouse,” really depends on how you feel. Only you know your situation. Only you know what you are feeling.

You may choose a different strategy if you are afraid that you are hanging on too tightly. But that doesn’t mean that you’re letting go if you don’t want to.  

It may just mean that you’ve decided patience and a gradual pace might serve you a little better.

It may feel like giving in, but in my case, it was just re-grouping. It was taking a different path – and that was a path that actually worked much better in the end. You can read that whole story about how I finally got him back at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: There’s no question that you can feel as if you are walking on eggshells during your separation.

You don’t want to do or say anything that may be interpreted incorrectly.

You don’t want to do anything that is going to make this worse.

So you may feel very self-conscious. And that may be when you think that you see your husband’s side-eye.

Someone might say, “I swear I think that even if I did everything right, my husband would still find fault. These last eight months, I can do nothing right in his eyes. And we have been separated for three of those months. I swear that I have been on my best behavior. I try very hard not to do anything that would set him off. In fact, I’m very nice and cordial.”

“I’m trying so hard. Even when we are with the kids and just enjoying a family day together, he always has this look on his face that makes me think he believes I’m doing something wrong. Once, I even asked him what the look was about, and he scowled at me and said he had no idea what I was talking about. But I could nearly feel the hostility coming off of him.”

“And it’s confusing because we weren’t fighting horribly when we separated. We’ve just grown apart some. And I’m generally acting pleasant when I’m around him, so I’m not sure what the stink-eye is about. Why does he make me feel as if I’m always doing something wrong?”

There could be many reasons, and I will go over them below.  

But before I do, I just want to say, take a deep breath.  

I know the tension and anxiety that you are feeling right now, and I know that it isn’t any fun.  

I also know that you will make better decisions when you are calm. So please try to come at this from another angle if you can, which leads me to my next point.

Check-In With Yourself Right Now. I’ll Wait:  

By no means am I putting any blame at all on you. I am not in any way saying that you are at fault in any capacity.

But, what I am trying to very gingerly say is that sometimes, our fear clouds the way that we look at things.  

Sometimes, we are so worried about doing or saying the wrong thing, that we assume that we’re being scrutinized for the very same reason. 

This can cause us to see a bit more than there actually is.

Just for a second, ask yourself if it’s possible that your spouse is merely as frustrated as you are.  

Neither of you may be doing anything wrong. You may be both doing the best you can, but you can’t see it from that angle because you’re too afraid of what you may lose. 

Question Your Thoughts and See What Changes: 

For a day or two, try questioning your assumptions.  

For example, if you think he’s side-eyeing you because he’s angry at something you did, you could try to check yourself with something like:

“I can’t know what he’s thinking unless he tells me. Maybe, like me, he is having a hard time with this.”

Getting the Information you Really Want: 

 I have been where you are. There were times in my separation when I was sure that I would be divorced in a few more months.

That’s why I suspect that I know what you’re really wondering when you worry that your husband thinks you are doing something wrong.

You are wondering, in some shape or form: are my actions helping my cause? Is what I’m doing going to attract or detract from my ability to get him back?

Erasing what Doesn’t Matter to Get the Confidence You Need: 

The type of thinking I described above can make you very self-conscious.

And you need confidence when you’re trying to attract your spouse back to you.

So, try to get down to the brass tacks when these thoughts are going through your mind.

If you are acting in a pleasant way and have done nothing to negatively engage with your husband, then there are really two possibilities:

1. you are seeing what may not be there because of your fear. 

1. Or, he’s angry about something else.

Now, he may be angry about outside forces that have nothing to do with you.

Or, he may still be angry about an issue (or issues) between you.

And the only way to erase the latter is to ask yourself if there is anything that you can do to begin to ease the issue between you.

Removing What You Alone Can Control:

I know that some issues are large and take a great deal of time and effort to sort out.

And I know this is hard when your spouse isn’t receptive to you.

That is why you sometimes need to settle for a gradual pace and work as you are able.

 But do not give up if you know in your heart that you want this to be workable.

Keep smiling. Keep maintaining a pleasant attitude. And wait for him to thaw a bit. 

When he does, do the things that you can control to address the issues that you suspect may be making him non-receptive to you:

• Maybe you now realize you took some of the things he did for granted.

• Perhaps you realize that you can compromise a little more.

• Maybe you now know that you could communicate what you want so he no longer has to guess.

• Maybe there’s a place where he’s waiting for an apology that you haven’t given.

In every single example above, you have control over whether you address them.  

You also control how you address them.

You don’t need to wait for him. You have complete control over yourself. 

Don’t Create Problems That Don’t Exist: 

I promise that I’m not implying that you are making up his attitude.

I know that separated husbands can be salty. I’ve dealt with one.

But I also know that sometimes, we are our own worst enemy. 

If you’re sitting there stewing in worry because you’re self-conscious of doing something wrong, you’re much more likely to make this a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Be honest with yourself. Fix what you can. But if you know you’re not doing anything to deserve the side-eye, carry on.

Things do change. As you are able to make progress on some of the things that YOU control, you may notice his attitude shift.

Until then, keep on keeping on with positivity. What other option is there when you truly want to save your marriage?

For me, there was no other option.  There was no reality where I could just let my husband go without a fight.  Yes, I made some brutal mistakes.  But I never gave up. And that was the difference. You can read that story at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: “Hopeless” is a word that I hear a lot from frustrated spouses whose marriages are undoubtedly in trouble.

In these situations, there is typically a separation or break either happening to the marriage or on the horizon.

Sometimes, the other spouse has even asked for a divorce.

And even as the invested spouse tries various strategies to change their spouse’s mind, they don’t always have much success.

No matter what they do, their spouse still seems unhappy. Or still wants out.

Someone might say,

“I’m starting to think that my situation is hopeless. And I’m typically a hopeful person. But my husband is giving me absolutely no reason to believe that we could ever get a second chance. He moved out six weeks ago and even getting him to talk to or text with me is a challenge. It is as if he is saying good riddance to our marriage life and closing the door. I have repeatedly tried to reach out to and engage with him over legitimate things. He will have none of it. I’ve asked him to accompany me on things that he would usually enjoy. He’s declined. It’s as if he wants to erase me completely from his life. I feel just the opposite. I desperately want my marriage but it’s starting to become very clear that what I want doesn’t matter at all. I know that feeling this way doesn’t help me. But I can’t seem to stop it because I’m a logical thinker and I cannot deny the evidence that is right in front of me. But I worry that I am going to sabotage myself. Can you still save your marriage when it seems hopeless? Or when you’re feeling hopeless?”

I’m not going to tell you that it is impossible. But I have come to believe, from my own experience, that you attract more flies with honey than with vinegar.

And I know that it’s hard to feel hopeful when you have a difficult reality that you are dealing with. But I hope that I can offer you a bit of perspective.

What You’re Trying to Do When You Want to Save Your Marriage from a Hopeless Point of View:

This is an embarrassing confession, but I’m going to make it anyway.

I used to have daydreams about me sitting alone on our porch with a very long face or even crying. In this daydream, I’d be sitting there and thinking all hope was lost, when all of a sudden, my husband would come driving down our driveway.

I’d assume that he was coming to tell me that it was over. But, what do you know, he was coming to tell me that he was wrong and to get down on one knee and ask if he can move back in.

I could see this very clearly in my minds-eye. It played out like a rom-com.

But do you think it ever actually happened? Of course it didn’t.

But that doesn’t mean we didn’t get back together. We did. But I had to do more than just sit on my porch and feel down.

Positive, Active Hope Versus Negative Passive Hope:

From my own experience, I believe that you are going to have a much better chance of getting your husband back if you’re actively working on your relationship and your marriage.

But please don’t confuse what I’m saying. I’m not telling you to make a pest of yourself or to push yourself onto your husband when he’s reluctant to see you.

I tried this and it did much more harm than good.

No, what I’m telling you to do is to find teeny tiny opportunities where you can make progress and seize those.

Perhaps he may have just a few minutes to talk. Fill those two minutes with a positive conversation.

Perhaps he needs to ask you something about the kids or the house. Leave him with a smile on his face at the end of that conversation.

And if you have no opportunity to seize an opportunity with him soon?

I’ll bet you have an opportunity with YOURSELF.

From my own experience, I learned that making yourself stronger and better is one of the best things you can do to save your marriage.

And the best part is you have complete control over the person in that equation – yourself.

When you make yourself better, you’re often able to show your husband your best self – and that is usually the person he fell in love with to begin with.

I can’t tell you how much more effective this is than trying to use manipulation and emotions.

Find Where You Can Make a Contribution and Do It:

Another thing that you can do is take an honest look at where you may have contributed to the breakdown of your marriage and try to fix it.

• Have you been too critical?
• Too unwilling to compromise?
• Too oblivious to what was happening right in front of you?
• Did you take things for granted?

When people tell me that they can’t save their marriages by themselves, I beg to differ.

You can most certainly try to fix the things that you control.

And those things are your own behaviors and your own mistakes.

Doing The Right Things At The Right Time Can Restore Hope:

And as you begin to take action, do you know what will begin to happen?

You’ll start to feel as if you are actively doing something to help yourself.

And that is going to give you some hope.

And you’re going to project more positivity.

And in my experience, this positive state is much more likely to attract a reluctant husband than a negative state.

I’m not saying that it is impossible to re-attract your husband when you are hopeless. I have seen it happen. But only a couple of times.

So I believe that it is more much likely to attract positive things when you have positive emotions – like hope.

Always remember that tomorrow is a new day. Just because things aren’t great today, this doesn’t define your tomorrow.

People change their perceptions and their minds all of the time.

My husband changed his mind.  But not without my doing the right things at the right time (and believe me, I made plenty of mistakes before I learned this)  That entire story is at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Most of the time, my perception is that the readers of this blog are women. Although I have no way of knowing the gender of someone when they visit this site, I do notice that many of the people who reach out to me with a question or comment are women.

That doesn’t mean that I don’t ever hear from men, though. I do.

And that doesn’t mean that men don’t come to this site. They do.

Plenty of Men Want to Save Their Marriages, Too: Sometimes I suspect that many of my women readers would be surprised at some of the comments I hear from men.

Honestly, if I were to swap out the pronouns and omit names, you might have to guess the gender of the author of some of the correspondence that I receive.

What I mean by this is that men hurt during separations and marital difficulties too. And they name the same issues that wives have during the separation.

Men are confused about their best course of action also.

Plenty of husbands reach out over wives who want out of their marriages, who cheat, or who want some space or time apart.

Can Women Act Like Men During A Separation?: I recently heard from a male who said that, although he found my articles helpful, he wondered if specifically wrote them for women.

He wanted to take some of my words to heart, but he didn’t know if the words would apply to his wife.

Basically, he wanted to know if he could swap out the tips I give for wives with unhappy husbands and use them for husbands with unhappy wives.

I believe that you absolutely can and here is why.

We often stereotypically think that women act differently than men.

Sometimes, it is hard for us to think that it could be the wife who is distant, non-receptive, or wanting to end the marriage.

But I can tell you that there are many variations of couples who want different things at different times.

Sometimes the husband wants out.

Sometimes the wife wants out.

And sometimes they are both unhappy.

It just varies just like marriages vary.

But yes, women can absolutely be the driving force behind the struggling or ending of a marriage.

Should You Handle an Unhappy or Separated Wife in the Way that You Handle a Separated Husband?: The husband that I mentioned above wondered if the tips I offer to approach separated husbands would work for a separated wife.

My answer is that it depends on the person. And this is true for husbands and wives or men and women.

People have different personalities.

But generally speaking, I have found from my own separation and from speaking with many people that you will generally have more success if you try your best to treat your spouse with respect and to make progress on the most important issues as your situation will allow.

If you push, argue, come on too strong, act desperate, debate too aggressively, or tell your spouse that they are selfish or wrong, then you may well hurt your cause no matter what your gender.

But if you are willing to have some patience, truly do the work, understand the real issues, and move at a reasonable pace, you’re more likely to have success.

If a Husband is Trying to Get his Wife Back, is He Weak?: Another topic that comes up is whether, if a husband tries different methods to get his wife or marriage back, is he weak or acting like a woman?

I would answer this with an empathic no. I think I’ve already all but said that there’s no need to stereotype behaviors in this situation.

Men can love just as deeply as women. Men therefore miss or long for their separated wives just as much.

And they are just as invested in their marriages when things go wrong.

So no, anyone who is motivated to try to save their relationship with the most important person in their lives can most definitely hold their heads up high.

It doesn’t make you weak. It makes you invested. And committed. And that is what you signed up for the day you got married.

The Bottom Line: To answer the question posed, I believe that in the majority of cases, you could substitute “wife” for “husband” and the article would still be accurate.

I do believe that people can act similar to one another when they are scared, unhappy, or restless.

Most people who want to exit or pause their marriages report similar feelings to one another.

And people who ask for space and don’t get it are often frustrated regardless of gender.

The partners left behind are often confused, scared, and lonely no matter if they are a man or woman.

I still feel that it is usually going to benefit the partner who wants to save the marriage if you prioritize yourself, show your spouse the person they fell in love with, and move at the pace that your partner is willing to go.

Emotions and motivations can be universal. I hope this has helped. I would not want someone of either gender to not feel included.

Although I the articles them from a woman’s perspective because that is mostly who I hear from and I myself am female, the articles are there for everyone and anyone who can get something out of them.

And no matter whether you are a husband or a wife, if you are reading this, I hope you to hang in there.  I think you for coming. And I hope something here has helped you.  You can read more about the time in my life I’m talking about above at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: When you’re having marital issues that you just can’t resolve, “starting over” can seem like an attractive option.

Sure, you can’t literally “start over” when you’ve been in a relationship for a long time. But perhaps you can figuratively start over by focusing less on what happened in the past and more on what is going to hopefully happen in the future. 

When Starting Over As Friends Feels Like The Only Option: Sometimes things have become so bad, that the idea of a clean slate is perhaps the only positive option. 

Many husbands in tricky marital issues aren’t receptive to having any type of romantic relationship. Perhaps you are separated. Or your husband wants space. Whatever the reason, it may have become clear that he’s no longer relating to you in a romantic way. 

And that may be why you’re considering a “friends” type of relationship as a way of starting over. 

A wife might say, “my husband and I have been separated for three months. I had hoped that things would get better between us, but they honestly haven’t. He’s awfully cold and distant. He doesn’t show any interest whatsoever in going out with me romantically. There have been times when I’ve wanted to try to kiss or hug him, but his body language makes it very obvious that I would be rejected if I tried it. Even worse, if I cross that line, I fear that he won’t even allow me to be around him. ” 

So I’ve started to think that my best chance would be to ask for a “do over” and to just be friends for now. I would make it clear that I’d expect nothing more. 

I know that this would be hard for me, but I feel like that is what it is going to take. I think it is the only way that my husband will relate to me. Is this a feasible plan? It is possible to start over as friends with your own husband?”

I believe that there is a very limited use for this type of plan. And I also see some possible pitfalls in it. I’ll explain below.

Reestablishing Yourself As Friends Can Be Very Beneficial on Many Levels: When things are good, most of us consider our spouse to be our best friend. 

So it can be devastating to lose that.  

Getting even some of it back can feel like a relief.

And I always tell couples that you want to re-establish an easy, respectful rapport before you attempt to do any heavy lifting with working on your biggest issues.

Reconciliation is just not likely to work if you can’t relate to one another or if you don’t have ease between you. 

So re-establishing a friendly relationship can be the first step in re-establishing your rapport.

But this isn’t as easy as it might sound, which leads me to my next point.

You Have to Be Very Committed to Seeing This Through Some Potentially Awkward and Difficult Situations:  The hard truth is that this man really isn’t your friend.

He is your husband, and you can’t pretend that this isn’t true.

If you doubt this, ask yourself what is going to happen if he starts dating again (or if you even suspect he is.) 

What happens if he starts going out with single friends?

If these things occur, you may have to distance yourself a bit if you can’t handle it as a friend. Or you just have to remind yourself that this is the deal you struck.

Because you’ll need to actually act like a friend – not like the wife who wants to know what he’s doing and why he’s doing it.

Believe me. I know that this is an almost impossible ask. 

I was forced to back off during my own separation when my husband felt very strongly I was coming on too strong and asking too much of him. 

I had to back away from his life and from our relationship because if I hadn’t, he was going to force me to do so. 

And it was extremely hard. So hard that I had to remove myself from his vicinity to hold up my end of the bargain. 

So I think you have to go into it knowing that there are challenges, but they are challenges that may at the very least, improve your relationship with your husband. And at the most, they might help you save your marriage.

Be Willing to Go Very Slowly. Otherwise, You May Sabotage Yourself:  The biggest mistake that I see with this plan is that wives go into thinking they’ll do this “friends” thing for a short time as a means to get him back pretty quickly.

If that is your mindset, you’re already at a disadvantage.

See this friendship as an investment in your relationship. You may remain just friends. And if you do, at least you’ve maintained a positive relationship.

Bonus if you’re able to re-establish a romance, but that should not be your entire goal. 

You must know that the natural progression for this when it actually works is a gradual one. 

If you can legitimately reignite the easy, playful relationship between you, this can only be a win. If you have to accomplish this via friendship first, so be it.

I’m going to be honest and tell you that you’re probably going to need to constantly remind yourself of your role in the beginning. 

And this is okay. Whatever you need to do to make it work, go ahead and do it. 

But you need to commit to a gradual pace because if your husband sees that you’re insincere or thinks you’re only doing this as a way to trick him into a reconciliation before doing the hard work, you may only make things worse for yourself. 

In my case, playing the long game was the only thing that would have worked. Over time, my husband got wise to the games I was trying to play, so I just had to back way up. I hated the thought of it. I didn’t want to give up control. But doing so is probably the only reason I’m still married today.  You can read the rest of the story at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many separated wives have the goal of making their husbands regret leaving them. They figure if he sees leaving as a mistake, he’ll come back home to undo that same mistake. When he does, they will reconcile.

But many of the wives are disappointed when they don’t see any regret as the days and weeks go by.

One may say, “I will admit, when my husband told me that he was leaving, I responded that he was going to miss me and that he would regret leaving. And I honestly thought that this was true. But it’s been five weeks, and he’s showing absolutely no signs of regret. Instead, he acts as if he is having the time of his life, and he never wants to come home. Some of our friends tell me that I just need to be patient, but I am starting to doubt this. I am starting to believe that I have grossly miscalculated. And I’m wondering what happens if he never has regret? Will we just get divorced? Will he always be happy to be rid of me? When do men regret leaving?”

In my honest opinion, it depends. I can tell you that in my case, my husband’s regret took so much longer than I anticipated or wanted. And part of that was my fault. But part of it was not.

Below, I’ll list what I think influences when your husband experiences regret after he leaves home. Hopefully, this will help you determine when you might expect it.

Your Behavior Is Going To Directly Affect When He Regrets Leaving: It took me way too long to figure out and/or admit that my actions and behaviors influenced when (and if) my husband would regret leaving.

Spoiler alert – When you tell a man he’s going to regret leaving you, then he is going to be determined to prove you wrong.

And when you try to make him feel guilty, mistaken, or cruel, then he’s simply going to want to avoid you instead of wishing he was back.

I honestly felt like if I left my husband alone for even a short time, I was going to lose him.

So I made a complete pest of myself. And my husband most definitely was in no hurry to come back or regret his decision.

Instead, he was probably relieved that he had a break from me.

So, if you want him to regret leaving, you have to make sure that your actions and behaviors make him want to come back.

His Regret May Depend in Part on His Motivation to Reconcile Eventually: A husband leaving can be tricky. Some husbands sincerely see this as a temporary situation. They truly want to save their marriages eventually.

And others would only consider coming back if something happened to change their mind.

If your husband falls into the latter category, you may have to work a bit harder to get him open to a reconciliation.

But if he leaves knowing that there are plenty of things he still values – your home, your kids, your long-term familiar relationship, then he may feel regret sooner than the husband who just wants to “wait and see” how he feels.

That’s assuming that things go well between you and don’t deteriorate too badly from the jump.

The Timeline of His Regret May Well Depend in Part on How Quickly (and Convincingly) Things Change: Even though your husband may not spell this out for you, he likely is waiting to see some specific changes. Once he sees them, he will feel more secure in believing that the situation will be substantially better if he comes home.

The faster you can bring about genuine changes, the faster this process can take place.

But notice I said genuine changes. This is harder than it may seem. Because your husband knows you want him home as soon as possible. He knows you’re going to do everything in your power to make him believe things have changed.

That’s why you must be careful that any changes you present to him are genuine and lasting.

He May Feel Regret Sooner if He Sees You Conduct Yourself with Dignity that Places you Above Reproach: I’ve seen plenty of husbands feel regret when they realize that their wive is acting like a mature adult with a workable plan while he is acting like a pouting child.

There are plenty of landmines you must avoid when you’re separated. This can be more challenging than it seems. But you must become very good at being diplomatic, easy-going, accommodating, and receptive.

I know that these are tough things to ask of you right now. Both you and your husband may struggle with these behaviors. But if you manage them, you may find your husband regretting the separation. Because who can find fault with someone like that?

If he looks around and realizes that he can find absolutely no fault with your behavior, he may begin to wonder why such drastic action as a separation was necessary.

Or he may become more willing to explore ways to bring you closer rather than further away.

He Suddenly Sees You as You Used to Be: It’s time for brutal honesty. And I know that this may be painful. But it’s also necessary. Think for a second about the woman your husband fell in love with. Remember how she used to laugh. And was fun to be around. And was easy going. And was always willing to listen without judgment.

Now think about the version of you that your husband is getting right now. If you’re honest, you’ll probably admit that there are differences between the two versions. It’s very important to show your husband that the same woman is as close as your home.

And she’s willing to come back out. In fact, she wants to. He could have her if he’d only go home. But he chose to leave. How regretful do you think he’s going to be when this realization hits him?

Probably quite a lot. But before this can happen, you have to show him that woman. You have to convince him that she’s still present. Yes, I know you’ll have to choose the right time. And yes, I know you’ll have to spend some time finding her again.

But you have time, right?

So there’s no time like the present. The sooner you find her, the sooner he will feel regret.

Notice I didn’t give you a particular time frame. I wish I could. But it varies greatly. My separation took far too long. (You can read about the whole thing at https://isavedmymarriage.com

But most of that was on me. I’ve seen separations end in a matter of a few weeks or months.

It truly just depends. And I firmly believe it does depend on what happens during that separation.

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By: Leslie Cane: Believe me when I say that I know the pain of a marital separation. I know the fear.

I know the loneliness.

I know the struggle of dealing with the uncertainty.

I know how easy it is to slip into the behaviors and the mindsets that are actually going to be detrimental to you and may lessen the chances that you’ll get what you want – your marriage back.

So in this article, I’m going to focus on both the things I wish I hadn’t done and the things I commonly see separated spouses do that are both painful and run counter to the goal of saving your marriage.

Focusing on your Fear and Dread: I know that you feel the fear deeply.

I know that perhaps it keeps you up at night. But don’t assume that a separation means divorce.

It doesn’t have to. Plenty of people have temporary separations, reconcile, and go on to have long, happy marriages.

When you’re focused on fear, your anxiety and cortisol rise, and your sound thinking declines.

As a result, you may say or do things you don’t mean. And you may assume things that just aren’t true.

You’re also more likely to assume the worst, making a self-fulfilling prophecy much more likely.

Isolating Yourself: It wasn’t hard to tell that I was pretty devastated during my separation.

I looked awful. I stopped wanting to enjoy aspects of my life that had nothing to do with my marriage. And I tried to beg off of my regular outings and obligations.

If I’m being honest, I just didn’t want the burden of seeing people at the time.

But what I didn’t realize is that isolation only leads to more sadness and despair. It is one of the worst things you can do.

When you get in this state, you are the walking wounded.

And how do you think you will look (or sound) to your spouse when you interact? Not good.

You want to get yourself in a position to be an improved version of yourself when you and your spouse interact. You can’t do this if you’re created a den of depression around yourself.

That’s why as hard as it is, you must get yourself out there. Tell your friends and family that they aren’t to let you off the hook no matter what excuse you make.

Volunteer to do for others. Place the focus outside of yourself.

Ask yourself what you can do today to improve your situation and your mood. And then do it. I promise you that you will feel better by bedtime if you do these things.

Not Thinking About What you Both Want or Need in a Marriage: When I was separated, I would have done anything my husband wanted to get him back. And he knew this. Which is why he didn’t respect me or believe what I was trying to sell him.

You must think about the long term. If you settle for less, that’s exactly what you’re going to get.

You may as well make this separation worth it. You may as well have an honest inventory with yourself and ask yourself what you’d need or want to make your marriage better.

I know this isn’t the time to make demands, nor should you.

But this IS the time to think about your marriage very honestly. Because only then will you be able to truly fix it into something that makes you both happy.

Trying to Elicit Pity, Guilt, or Jealousy from Your Husband: I get it. When you’re without your husband, you’d sometimes much rather get a negative reaction than no reaction at all.

It’s very easy to assume that you’re being ignored and then want to throw a rock in the water just to watch the ripples. But please don’t.

You want your husband to think of you wistfully when he thinks of you.

You need for him to miss you and to eventually think that this separation was a mistake.

If you try to make him feel guilty, sorry, or jealous, he’s unlikely to feel these things. In fact, he might be glad that he’s limiting his exposure to you. And he’ll definitely feel manipulated.

I know that backing away for a bit is easier said than done. I know that it’s very easy to give in to petty impulses right now because you’re frightened and lonely.

If you need to, let this loose on your friends or family. But don’t let it loose on your husband.

Making Yourself a Pest: When you are separated, you wonder how you still fit in with your husband, his family, and his friends. You care about these people. You still want to be in their lives.

And there is nothing wrong with that, so long as everyone is comfortable with it.

But sometimes, your husband has specifically asked you for space and time. And believe me when I say that sometimes this is the hardest thing to give.

It’s so very easy to make a pest of yourself.

What is he doing? Where is he going? What is he feeling? Why didn’t he call you back?

I understand why you are thinking and feeling these things. You have every right to. But if you ACT one them so severely with your husband that you make a pest of yourself, then you’ve made a mistake that is hard to dig yourself out of.

Sometimes, you just have to let it ride for a while instead of constantly asking for details, reassurances, and specifics.

If he has asked for time, give him that. Step back some and busy yourself with your own life – just until he’s at the point where he’s ready to come to the table.

This isn’t forever. It doesn’t mean you have to ignore your husband’s family members that you’ve come to love. But don’t try to get them on your side or involve them in things that are only between your husband and you.

Don’t play games.

Do the very best that you can. Act in a way that you can be proud of tomorrow, next week, and next year.

You can never go wrong when you act with integrity and understanding – for yourself and for him.

I am telling you these things because I made a bigger problem for myself when I did them during my own separation. Do not make the same mistakes I did.  Although I was able to redirect myself and save my marriage, it took far longer than it should have.  You can read about that at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: If you’ve found this article, chances are you either are separated or about to be. And you’d still like to explore the possibility of saving your marriage. However, like many of us, you may fear doing something wrong and hurting your chances.

You don’t want your actions or mistakes to jeopardize your reconciliation. So perhaps even more than wondering what you should do during this separation, you want to know what mistakes to avoid.

I’m not much of an expert on many topics. But I do understand something about damaging mistakes that one can make while separated.

I know because I made many of these mistakes. And, just like I feared, they did almost thwart my ability to save my marriage.

So I’m going to list what I’ve come to believe are the most troublesome (and most common) mistakes that people make while separated. Especially when they want to reconcile.

Having All or Nothing Thinking: I understand why things feel immediate when you are separated. Things can feel quite dire, and you can convince yourself that you only have a finite, short time to right this ship.

If you don’t, your spouse may lose interest or think about divorce.

Although these things can be true occasionally, the biggest danger you face is that your behavior RIGHT NOW is going to turn your spouse off.

When you begin to feel desperate, you act in an unattractive way. At a time when you most need patience, confidence, and determination, you’re instead concentrated on lack and fear.

So you’re likely going to attract the thing you dread.

Tell yourself that this may be a gradual process, and vow to hang in there. The situation can change and improve quickly. Have faith.

Not Working In the Spirit of Compromise and Cooperation: Understandably, there can be a good deal of resentment during a separation.

Sometimes, one spouse wants it while the other does not.

Both people can be angry, resentful, or scared. And these types of negative feelings can encourage pettiness, one-upmanship, and lashing out.

If you truly want to reconcile as soon as possible, these petty competitions must be avoided at all costs.

It’s important that you and your spouse still feel like you are working together as part of a team, even if you can’t quite get it together just yet.

It’s vital that you and your spouse still see yourselves as part of “we.”

Not Seeing Things From Your Spouse’s Point of View: I am fully aware that this suggestion might rub people the wrong way, but hear me out.

Often, we get caught up in where our spouse is wrong. And selfish. And confused.

And we are sure that we are right. And justified. And morally superior.

But this type of thinking is just more of the same when it comes to “me” versus “them.”

Do you know why else you should put yourself in your spouses’ shoes?

You need empathy now more than ever.

Empathy can completely change your approach, and this can transform your separation.

I’ll give you an example. When I was separated, I greatly resented one of my husband’s friends.

I blamed this friend for some of our issues, as this friend was single and always referred to my husband as ‘tied down.’

One day during my separation, we were arguing about the friend and my husband muttered, “You don’t understand how he has been there for me. After I had my accident, he was the only friend who visited me every day. He didn’t turn his back on me. And I won’t turn my back on him. ”

(My husband had a terrible accident in his youth and went through a hard recovery later.)

It had never occurred to me that he associated this friend with emotional support.

Once I saw my husband as that injured youth who needed a friend, I was able to completely drop this gripe. And my husband saw that I was willing to compromise. Which changed things significantly.

Not Understanding that Things Can and Do Change: I am going to admit that I felt pretty depressed during my separation.

As things continued to deteriorate, I became sure that my husband didn’t really want me and wasn’t interested in reconciling.

Looking back, I still believe this was true at one point, but things didn’t stay this way.

You can always reaccess and change your strategy at any time.

You can always try to come at a problem in another way.

You can always apologize and begin again.

Don’t dig yourself into a hole of despair. Don’t make your spouse think that you’re going to be in a shadow of doom and gloom every time he sees you.

If you have faith that your situation can change (and you vow to do your part to change it) your attitude will change for the better.

If You Aren’t Objective Enough to See and Fix the Biggest Issues, Seek Third-Party Insight: I’ve gone on the record saying that I don’t think you should try to address major issues early into your separation.

Your marriage is fragile right then, and a more realistic goal is to just reestablish a close and easy rapport with your spouse.

That way, once you try to work on your issues, you’re no longer resentful or guarded.

However, when it’s time to get down to the work of addressing what separated you, be honest about your progress.

If you keep brushing up against the same old thing – ask and then listen to someone who isn’t you or your spouse.

That might be a counselor.

Or a church elder.

Or an older family member.

Or even self-help.

But if you’re repeatedly running into the same issues, you are probably missing something, or you lack a perspective that an objective person could offer.

Please don’t lose hope.  I think my marriage looked as hopeless as any during my own separation and I turned it around.  I believe that this is possible in many situations.  You can read the whole story at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many people see separation as only a tiny bit different than a divorce. They assume that separated couples are practically divorced – or will be soon. So these folks are surprised when they see those same separated couples doing some of the things that they would normally do.

I understand the confusion. Even the separated couples themselves often aren’t sure what activities and behaviors should be off-limits to them, now that they are separated.

Someone might ask, “Now that my husband and I are separated, what happens? How do we function as a couple? Or do we even continue to see ourselves as a couple? This is tricky because he has promised me that we can try to work this out eventually. I’ve made it clear that I do not want a divorce. And he’s said that he will eventually be willing to see if our marriage is salvageable. But I’m not sure what this means for us right now. I’m never sure if I’m still supposed to share my innermost thoughts with him like I used to. I’m not sure how much I should be relying on him. I’m not sure how much I should expect from him. Since we’re separated and not divorced, how should we move through the world as a couple?”

Before I tell you my answer, I want to stress that I am not an attorney. I’m not going to be answering this from a legal perspective.

I’m going to be answering it from a personal and practical perspective as someone who has gone through it and come out (relatively unscathed) on the other side. 

I believe that you can do whatever is comfortable and acceptable to both of you as a couple. But I warn you that this is not as easy as it sounds.

Often, you have one spouse who wants very change and who wants to continue to function as a couple. And you have the other spouse who wants more freedom and the ability to try life on his own – at least for a little while. 

Below, I’m going to list the possibilities – and the things for which I strived during my own separation. Your spouse may or may not be agreeable to these, at least initially. That’s why you must adjust as you go. Don’t push too hard, but always reevaluate and move forward as you can.

Continue to be Involved In Each Other’s Lives and Emotional Well-being:  It was always clear to me, even when my separation wasn’t going well, that my husband and I were not divorced. I always figured that if he wanted me completely out of his life (and the life of his family and friends,) he would have just divorced me from the get-go.  

So I continued to check in on his mother. I continued to be close with his sister. And I checked in on him as much as he would allow. I still considered him my husband. I still attended events with him when he wanted or allowed me to. I still cheered him on, and I wanted to be there when he needed someone to listen. And I still wanted to be the first person he came to when something was bothering him.

I wasn’t stupid. I understood that we were separated. But that didn’t mean that I didn’t love him anymore or have any concern about what was happening with him.

Admittedly, sometimes, he didn’t WANT this from me, and I had to back away. But it was always my intention to continue to treat him like he was incredibly important to me unless he told me not to do so anymore.

Continue to Take Care of Joint Ventures and Goals:  There was a time when my husband and I weren’t living under the same roof, but we still both had an interest in our home. So he continued to do maintenance and take care of the chores that he always had.

I continued to take care of our bills in the way I always had. Again, I know that this won’t work for some couples. Sometimes, the husband doesn’t want the continued responsibility for the home. And I’m not saying that you have to or should force him.

But if he’s willing, I do think it’s helpful to continue to look at your joint ventures as “ours” instead of mine. After all, you are not divorced.  

I continued to think about our shared goals because I was determined that they weren’t going anywhere.

Couples Intimacy: This is going to mean different things to different people. Some couples take sex and physical intimacy off of the table and I certainly understand why. It can definitely confuse things and there is always the risk that one spouse will feel used while the other may feel manipulated.

But intimacy comes in all shapes and forms. It’s important that, if possible, you continue to be your spouse’s safe place to fall. He should still be comfortable sharing his thoughts and experiences with you. Your spouse should know that you are always there for him. 

As for yourself, you must should an emotional outlet. If your husband is willing to be that person, wonderful. If not, make sure you still allow someone to listen and be there for you. This could be a friend, coworker, family member, or therapist. But don’t keep things bottled up. Use a journal if you have to. And don’t isolate yourself because it is the worst thing that you can do. 

One more word about intimacy. This is usually one of the hardest goals to reach because intimacy is usually waning for separated couples. You will usually have to rebuild it from the ground up. And this is difficult when things aren’t all that great between you.

Don’t be discouraged. You will have to start slow and move gradually, but I am proof that this can be done. Accept and be grateful for small victories. Maybe today you’ll celebrate that you had a five-minute telephone conversation that went well. Or maybe he returned your text. Even when the victories seem small, you can use these tiny wins to accomplish more the next time. 

In short, I believe that you continue to do the things as a couple that makes you both comfortable. 

After all, to reconcile, you’ll need to be able to work closely together to address the core issues. You can’t do this if you are functioning solely as an individual. I learned the hard way that have to hang in there with crazy persistence when you want to save your marriage.  The story of how I did that is at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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