Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many wives who are very reluctantly separated went into this hoping that things wouldn’t be as bad as initially feared. In other words, the wife hoped that the separation would bring her husband closer to her instead of further away. She hoped she would be pleasantly surprised at how much her husband missed her and reached out to her. Unfortunately, sometimes, this best-case scenario doesn’t happen. Instead, it is the opposite. Instead, the separation gets off to a somewhat disastrous start because her husband completely ignores her.

She might say, “I knew things weren’t great between us when my husband left. He was very intense, and although he held it together, I could tell he was angry that things worked out this way. We both hoped we could pull it together, and I would have kept trying, but he apparently thought he couldn’t take it anymore. He doesn’t feel that we – and particularly me – have made sufficient progress. Still, he said that we could communicate during this separation. He made it seem like he wouldn’t just abandon me. But it feels like that’s exactly what he’s done. He’s completely ignored me. He hasn’t called or reached out. And when I tried to reach out to him, I got a terse text back telling me that he made it clear that he needed time and that I need to respect that. Well, there’s a difference between ‘time’ and complete silence in my opinion. And if this is how it’s going to be, I don’t hold out much hope for our future. Why would he start out of the gate totally ignoring me this way?”

I know that this is painful and somewhat confusing. But it may make you feel somewhat better to know that this is common. My husband definitely ignored me sometimes, and eventually, with work, things improved between us. And we are still married today. So the way you start isn’t always the way you end up.  

With that said, it may help to understand why he may be ignoring you initially. I’ll list some possibilities below, but remember that just because you are seeing some of these behaviors now, that doesn’t mean that you will always see them. 

He’s Still Angry or Frustrated:  Since this is a new separation, you likely haven’t had time to address your most pressing issues. Therefore, the issues which caused him to leave are still very present and are likely still causing problems and frustration. Therefore, he may feel like there’s just not much to talk about yet. Of course, this won’t always be true. There will be a time in the coming days to make important changes.

He’s Unsure How He Wants to Proceed:  Separated husbands are often as unsure as you are. They don’t know how the separation is going to go, either. Sometimes, all they know is that they want to give the situation some time to calm down, and they’d like a little quiet initially. While it might seem like they are ignoring you, they may just be trying to establish a pause or get used to their new normal before they reach out. Sometimes, it isn’t quite as bad as it seems.

He’s Trying to Set A Precedent for Space and Time:  Many separated husbands are very serious about wanting some time to themselves initially. If they didn’t think they needed that time, they wouldn’t have taken the drastic stance of leaving. Some of them see remaining quiet and not reaching out as a way to assert their need for space. Many of them are also trying to set a precedent of them reaching out to you when they are ready or when they think the time is right. It’s easier to communicate more later than to pull back because he gave too much too soon.

He’s Just Not Ready To Reach Out Because He Isn’t Sure Where His Head Is: Some separated husbands don’t reach out initially because they know you’re going to ask them what they’re thinking and feeling, and they honestly just don’t know yet. So rather than mislead you or tell you something that may or may not be true, they decide to wait until they have a more firm sense of what they feel and how they want to proceed.

How to Handle This: I know that it’s tempting to keep reaching out to him and demand that he acknowledge and talk to you. It’s likely tempting to want to tell him that he’s being disrespectful, rude, and hurtful. But he may well already suspect that you feel this way. And making him defensive and angry isn’t likely to make things better.

Instead, you can reach out to let him know you’re here when he’s ready to talk. Just a quick text telling him that you’re checking in to make sure he is okay and that you’re ready to talk when he is covers many bases. By sending a text, you give him the option of answering when he’s ready. And your message isn’t making demands or being confrontational in any way. Instead, you are offering your support and your willingness to meet him halfway. There isn’t much to make him angry when you take that approach.

Controlling What You Can: When he does reach out, you’ll be in a position to take advantage of it and start with positivity rather than negativity. In the meantime, you can work on the issues over which you have control – which are issues that have to do with yourself. Where can you make changes personally to make this better? How can you adjust your thinking, perspective, and approach, to improve the situation so that you and your husband have plenty to talk about? How can you shift your expectations and approach so that you’re okay with gradual progress, since that’s perhaps what your husband is signaling?

Although it may not seem like it initially, there is plenty that you can do on your own while you are waiting for him to get over his isolation and hesitancy.  I eventually realized that I had to do much of the heavy lifting on my own before my husband was ready to work with me.  And it really did make all of the difference.  As I alluded to, we did reconcile and are still married.  You can read more at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: It’s an awful feeling when your husband walks out. Especially if you might be still invested in saving your marriage. It can feel like one step closer to a divorce, except when you have a husband who insists that he doesn’t want one.  

This dynamic can also feel like a weird push and pull. On the one hand, he apparently doesn’t want to live with you right now. But on the other, he is saying that he’s not going to pursue a divorce. A wife can wonder if these two opposite things can actually authentically exist at the same time.

The wife might say, “My husband had been talking about taking time for himself and living alone for several months. Because he took no action initially, I’d been hoping that he wouldn’t actually go through with it. He’s very frugal, and I had my doubts that he was actually going to spring for an entirely new household for himself. He is an only child, and his parents are deceased. So he doesn’t have anyone he can stay with in the short term. If he doesn’t want to live with me, he’ll need to pay for a separate place. Apparently, he is so miserable here, he’d rather pay to live somewhere else. He swears that he is going month to month and that he didn’t sign a lease, but I honestly don’t know how likely that is.”

“I have been very honest about how upset all of this makes me. And he has told me that as of right now, he has no plans to file for divorce. (Although he concedes that this could change if we are unable to make any progress.) So I suppose that should make me feel a little better, but I don’t know that it does. There’s always the chance of divorce for people who are separated. And that is what we are. Sure, we haven’t exactly said those words, but when your spouse wants to move out and away from you, then you are separated – whether you like it or not. I just don’t know what to do with all of this conflicting information. I can’t stop thinking about divorce – as if he never even took it off the table – or as if I can’t trust what he said.”

The Fear Mindset Doesn’t Serve Anyone: I understand where you are coming from. I was in a similar situation as to what you are going through, and I, too, was unable to stop myself from fixating on divorce initially. But, I have to tell you, that mindset did not serve me at all from a mental health standpoint. Nor did it help in my marriage or separation. All it did was cause me to panic, which made my behavior worse than it otherwise would have been. In time, I learned to separate the two things – separation and divorce – and as such, I didn’t divorce. Here is the mindset that helped me make this shift

Take it One Day at a Time:  Although it can feel as if a divorce is around the corner, you’ve not been served with divorce papers. And as far as you know, your husband hasn’t hired an attorney. Divorces aren’t instantaneous. They take time. That means you’re not going to wake up divorced tomorrow. You have some time. You don’t need to panic. Instead, you can come up with a proactive strategy to turn things around and make the gradual progress that may change your husband’s mind. Don’t try to tackle every problem at one time. Instead, try to have one positive interaction each time you speak, try to improve yourself a little at a time, and try to gain gradual insights that might help you implement the changes that will save your marriage.

Focus on the Problems that Will Help You Gain a Sense of Cooperation and Intimacy: People often ask me which problems to tackle first. You want to tackle problems that you can actually solve or can at least make some progress. If you try to attack something so big that you’ll fail, then you’ll likely get discouraged. You want to build up to the biggest problems.

It is always a good idea to tackle the problems that make way for more intimacy and ease between you. Any negativity you can remove so that you can feel comfortable reaching out to and communicating with your husband is absolutely worth doing.

It is so important that you are regularly and positively communicating. Doing so gives you something that you can build upon and creates momentum.

Don’t Keep Bringing Up Divorce: When I was at the height of my anxiety, I kept bringing up the possibility of divorce. Or I would ask my husband if he had changed his mind. This only frustrated both of us. And at times, he very plainly told me he didn’t want to hear about this anymore. When I crossed that line, I had to work hard to bring back a decent rapport between us. I would have been better off continuing to create an ease and letting the momentum propel me forward. 

I should have just settled in and understood that I was in the middle of a marathon and not a sprint. In truth, most of our marriages didn’t get this way overnight, so we aren’t going to save them overnight. Most of us have to work patiently and methodically to try to soothe what is broken, to try to right what is wrong, and to be content with a pace that may seem slower and not as aggressive as we may want. 

However, if all you do is concentrate on the possibility of divorce, you may keep yourself from taking the necessary steps to attempt to make this better. The good news is that if you can keep a lid on your anxiety, sometimes a little distance can actually work for you. Sometimes, you both miss each other more than you anticipated, and you’re both a little more willing to openly communicate without anger and resentment. 

That ultimately happened in my case after I stopped making so many preventable mistakes that almost cost me my marriage.  You can read the whole story at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: There’s often a period before a potential separation or divorce where a couple is trying to make things right again. Even if one or both spouses doubt that they will be successful, many feel compelled to at least try to see if anything is salvageable. And, even though this is preferable to going straight toward separation or divorce, this period can be very stressful because you can worry that it is now or never to turn things around.

A Wife’s Perception:  A wife in this situation might say, “My husband has been checked out of our marriage for at least six months. For weeks, I’ve been worried that he will just up and leave. He’s been frustrated with some of my behaviors. He thinks I am immature and selfish and that being with me has become a non pleasurable part of his life. He has told me that I need to grow up and act like the adult that I am. Personally, I think this is silly. I’ve been living as an adult for a long time, and it’s disrespectful for him to refer to me otherwise. “

“That said, I admit our marriage hasn’t been great, and I am part of this marriage, so I must take responsibility for that. But he’s basically saying that he’s going to give me ‘one more chance’ to stop with the behavior that he thinks is deteriorating our marriage, and then if I don’t, he will bail. This is very upsetting to me because I feel so much pressure. I feel like it is solely up to him to decide if my behavior is to his satisfaction, and if not, we’re done. ‘One more chance’ makes me feel like a naughty child. It makes me feel like I have zero room for error and have to walk on eggshells. And that makes my marriage feel even more stifling than before. It also makes me wonder if he already knows I will fail, and he’s just waiting to pull the rug out from under me. By telling me I have ‘one more chance,’ he’s basically saying he’ll only deal with me for a little while longer, and then he is done. I’m scared to even do anything, but I know that if I do nothing, he’ll run out of patience and completely cut me off.”

Be Aware of the Potential for Panic: I understand your frustration. My husband did take to giving deadlines before we separated, and I too felt the pressure. But I have to tell you, my response to the pressure made things worse. It made me panic. And my panic didn’t bring about the response my husband wanted. So we separated. And after we separated I continued to panic, and things continued to deteriorate because I clung so tightly but changed nothing (or not enough) in my behavior. That’s why I suggest you don’t allow frustration and panic to keep you from making helpful and genuine changes.

Methodically Make the Changes You Know In Your Heart are the Most Important: I’d be lying if I claimed that I wasn’t aware of the changes that probably would have helped my marriage the most. My husband felt I took him for granted and acted in my own best interests rather than his. He felt we had less in common with each passing day, and he’d started to think that we were two different people. I was overwhelmed with all of this, so I didn’t make a serious enough attempt at change.

That’s why I’d suggest prioritizing what is most important and getting busy. Make sure he sees that you are truly making an effort, but don’t make a panicked effort. Make a sincere effort.

Don’t Be Afraid to Ask Your Husband How You Are Doing:  One additional mistake that I made was that I didn’t openly communicate with my husband about my efforts. I could see he was frustrated, but I was too scared to pin him down on specifics, so I just hoped that I was worrying too much and practicing catastrophic thinking. Turns out, I wasn’t. My husband thought I wasn’t making progress, and eventually he did leave. If I had asked him to be specific about what was working and what wasn’t, perhaps we could have made more of a dent in our issues. I didn’t, and he eventually thought it wasn’t possible to try to make repairs anymore.

Try to Bring Joy and Playfulness into this Process: I know what I’m saying might sound weird. But when you approach something as if you have one more chance, you see it as a high-stakes job. Therefore, neither of you may be having much fun. So once your husband needs to make a decision about your marriage, this drudgery is one thing he takes into consideration. To avoid that, to the extent you can, try to put on a semi-happy face and be upbeat. Remember why you love each other and try to place your focus on those feelings.  

Try to make your husband laugh or smile every day. Try to bring a smile to your own face. If you can look around and realize you’re having fun with your husband again, the “one more chance” rhetoric may tone down, and you’ll feel much less pressure. Therefore, you may be much more effective at facilitating change.

Try to See this as a Joint Activity:  Although he may be telling you that you have one more chance, in truth, there are two people in this marriage. And although he may not be overtly making any changes, he’s going along with this journey with you because he is in the marriage. There’s nothing wrong with having the mindset that you are truly in this together. (You don’t have to announce this if you think he will balk at it.) But it’s a shift in thinking that can help you to feel less pressure.  

 Once I started to make successful, small changes that my husband noticed, he too started to change. Success usually begets more success. So while it may not feel like a joint effort now, it will hopefully become one eventually as he sees change and then gets with the program. You can read about how I was finally able to save my marriage at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many separated wives are hoping for a collaborative effort from their husbands to eventually save their marriage. They want their husbands in regular touch, to show care and concern, and to still be somewhat involved in their life and their marriage. Sure, they’re separated, but they are still married. They still care about one another, and with a little effort, they should be able to make this work.

Unfortunately, this isn’t the reality that many separated wives deal with. Instead, they have husbands who go somewhat silent. The husband doesn’t want to participate in a collaborative effort just yet. He wants to go off on his own, focus on his own wants and needs, and evaluate how he’s feeling as time passes. These actions can look very selfish to a wife who is ready, willing, and able to do whatever is necessary to save her marriage right away.

Her Perception: She might say, “When my husband and I began talking about a separation, he said that it shouldn’t be long and that he just needed a little time to sort himself out. He made it sound like he would almost be in constant contact, that he would still consider me his wife, and he would still respect our marriage vows. Honestly, he made it sound like a quick break that would be over soon – at which time we would come back stronger than ever. “

“Looking back now, I think he painted it this way so that I wouldn’t fight him too hard in agreeing to it. He knew I didn’t want to separate, but he thought he would sweeten the pot by making it seem not so bad. Well, it has been bad. It seems that he doesn’t consider me at all. He barely calls. We’ve only seen each other a couple of times for a very short period. He goes out and has a good time and doesn’t care about how upset I am and that I am sitting at home alone and fretting about when this will be over. When things happen with or to me, he doesn’t reach out with concern. Instead, I hear silence. This is extremely upsetting to me. I feel like he’s being incredibly selfish. But when I try to tell him this, he gets angry, and things get worse.”

As Frustrating as This Behavior is, It’s Very Common: I understand how you feel. It’s scary and painful to worry that your husband is starting to ease you out of his life. It can make you feel as if a divorce is on the horizon and that he lied to you about his intention toward it this entire time. But before you go assuming the worst-case scenario, you should know that a separated husband appearing to be selfish is actually quite common. Husbands in this situation want to take the time to focus on themselves and see what they’re feeling and experiencing.

I know that it feels like he’s doing all of this at the exclusion of you. I felt that way also. But, this behavior usually isn’t malicious, and sometimes it doesn’t last. As he gets used to separated life, he will sometimes settle in and realize that there is more than one person to consider. 

Be Careful When Accusing Him of Selfishness:  As you’ve already seen, husbands in this situation will often get defensive when you try to make them feel guilty about their behavior. In their minds, they’re not doing anything wrong, and they sometimes feel that you are expecting too much when you demand that they abruptly change course. Then, in response, they might become even more secretive and standoffish, which would make all of this feel that much worse. 

How to Approach Him Instead of Accusing Him:  If his behavior is really upsetting and you don’t want to try to just wait him out, you should probably come at him gently. For example, if you’re hurt that he didn’t call when he knew you had a hard time, you’d want to be careful about using “I” rather than “you” statements when bringing this to attention.  

You might try something like, “I am not saying this to argue, but I must admit that I was hurt when you didn’t call me. I thought we agreed that we would keep in regular communication, and it felt like a rejection when I didn’t hear from you. I know that you’re feeling things out since you’re on your own. I know that is something that we both have to do, but I’d appreciate it if you’d reach out sometimes so that I don’t feel forgotten. I realize that you didn’t intend to hurt me. I’m just sharing that this is how I’m feeling right now.”

See how he responds. If he gets defensive, then back off some and come at it again on another day when things are calm between you.

Another thing that you can do is model the behavior you want to see from him. If you want to see him have concern for you, show concern for him. If you want more contact, try sending a quick text that he can answer at his convenience. (But if he resists, back off for a bit.) In this way, you’re showing him what you are hoping for in a non-confrontational way, and you’re hoping that he will follow suit eventually.

I know that this is very painful. I, too, have been there. But sometimes, it will sort itself out without your needing to do much more than be patient. Other times, you’ll have to gently nudge him and demonstrate more appropriate behavior. But it doesn’t mean things can’t and won’t change eventually. You just have to be careful not to alienate him with your displeasure. 

I made that mistake, and it was very hard to recover from. He became distant, angry, and defensive. And I had a lot of work to do to clean up that mess. Once I eventually figured out how, the dynamic between us changed, and I was on track to save my marriage.  You can read about how I did it at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many separated wives brace themselves for what is going to happen during the separation they didn’t want. They can go into it assuming the worst. They worry that their husband will actually think his life has greatly improved since his wife isn’t in it. They fret that a quick divorce is on the horizon. And they worry that he’ll drift away sooner than they can reign him in.  

Well-meaning friends and family may tell her that she’s being pessimistic and that she shouldn’t always think the worst-case scenario is right around the corner. So she may try to keep her chin up and look on the bright side – until her husband starts doing the very things that feed into her doubts. And lying is definitely an example of one of those things.

A wife might say, “My husband initiated this separation. In fact, from the time he brought it up to the time he moved out was only a few weeks. I think he was planning this longer than he actually told me. Because I’ve caught him in several lies during this separation. These lies make me wonder if anything he’s told me during this process is actually true. He tried to make it seem like this was just going to be a short-term thing where he was trying to figure things out, but I’ve heard he is making long-term plans without me. He told me that he had no plans to sow any wild oats whatsoever, but friends have seen him out with groups of people on a few occasions.”

“The other day, I drove by his place, and his car wasn’t there, but when I asked him where he was, he told me he was at home. I was too embarrassed to admit I’d driven by, so I couldn’t really confront him about it. But it seems what he presented to me before he left and what is actually happening are two different things. This makes me worry that he will pursue a divorce, even though he has reassured me in the past that he has no intention of that. Why else would he be lying? I’m not sure how to play this. My inclination is to angrily confront him. How dare he lie to me in this way? It’s so disrespectful in a way that I’d never act toward him. But, things are already so shaky between us. I resent the position he has put me in. I feel like I can’t really get things off my chest in the way I deserve. I feel like I can’t aggressively demand the answers that I deserve. But don’t I deserve to know the truth?”

 As someone who has been through the pain of separation, yes, we all deserve the truth. However, as you already suspect, you have to be very careful. If you accuse him of something that he doesn’t consider wrong or that he hasn’t actually done, you could do a great deal of damage at a time that is already difficult.

Why Caution is Recommended: Going out with a group of friends is probably not the worst thing he could do. And trying not to report to a wife when he’s separated is actually quite normal. I’m not defending him for stretching the truth in any way. I completely understand how you feel. I’m just telling you that this is quite normal because separated husbands don’t want to have to answer for everything (thus their need for space,) so they will sometimes be purposely evasive in the beginning without malicious intent. And if you imply malicious or untruthful intent, he may push back and pull away from you even more, which only makes the situation worse.

How You Can Try to Come at it More Positively: Sometimes, a husband’s negative behaviors fade as he gets his need for space met and begins to gain more perspective. But initially, they’re often just as out of sorts about being more independent as you are, and they’re trying on their new life. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t care or don’t have a right to know what he’s doing.  

I always felt that if I was still married, I still had a right to know if my husband was doing something destructive to the goal of saving our marriage. But I also knew that I couldn’t “make” him act in the way I wanted to. And I knew that he wasn’t going to answer to me.

And I knew that if I tried to force this, he was just going to do more of the behavior I was trying to avoid. So sometimes, I learned to come at negative behaviors in a non-accusatory way. It would look something like, “I didn’t ask, but I still heard from so and so that you were out with a bunch of people. I don’t need to worry, do I?” Try to say this in as lighthearted a way as you can muster. And if you meet resistance, stop. And come at it another day in another way. Always remember that your goal is never to make things worse.

Focus on Making Gradual Improvements So that You Don’t Worry so Much About the Unknown:  Honestly, I’m going to admit that I sometimes unfairly painted my husband’s behavior in a bad light because I was so paranoid and fearful of losing him. So I often allowed that fear to make things worse for myself. And when I did, he pulled further away from me. I would have been better off trying to make things better between us rather than sounding accusatory.

When I did focus on our relationship rather than on the separation (and there is a huge difference,) things improved. And when things improved, I didn’t have to worry about these types of omissions as much. Because I could see that we were making progress, and I began to promise myself that I was going to accept gradual results and not always freak out as much.  

This small change was probably one of the best things I did because it shifted my thinking from negativity to hopefulness. Granted, I didn’t let myself hope for reconciliation for quite a while. But I did allow myself to think it was possible to gradually rebuild some sort of relationship.  

Thankfully, that relationship remained a marriage. By accepting gradual results and not clinging so tightly, I was able to finally save my marriage. (That entire account of how I did it is at https://isavedmymarriage.com) I am not sure that would have happened if my focus would have been on constantly catching my husband in bad behaviors. Because honestly, neither of us was behaving very well initially.

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By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from wives looking for a way to change their husbands’ minds about a separation or divorce. Often, they’ve already tried various methods to get him to change himself or to change his mind. And they’ve not been successful. So they decide they’ll perhaps try to tackle something over which they have complete control – themselves. One of the ways that they try this is to attempt to become a better version of themselves or a better person.

A wife might explain it this way: “My husband is going to leave me shortly, I’m afraid. He’s been talking about it for weeks. He says he can’t stand to live with me anymore. He says that my negativity and anxiety make me very hard to live with. He thinks that I am selfish and think only of myself. The thing is, I’d like to be indignant about all of this, but there is a bit of truth to what he says. I AM anxious, but I am mostly that way because I’m afraid of losing him. I do wish I could be a better wife and person. He’s right that I have been selfish in the past, and I do regret that. But so has he. I think if I tried very hard and could cultivate more self-awareness, perhaps I could get him to realize that I can be a better person. And perhaps if he sees that I am a better person, he won’t want to leave. Is this a reliable thought process? Is it possible for a husband to see his wife has become a better person and then not leave?”

Changes Can Make a Difference, But They Take Time and Must Be Genuine and Sustainable: Anything is possible. My husband saw changes in me during my separation, and I do believe that this contributed to our reconciliation. But I have to be honest with you, the changes in me were not a fast process. I almost had to be forced into them by my own mistakes. So the fact that you are as self-aware as you are is likely an advantage that I didn’t fully have. 

Still, real change takes quite a bit of time. He hasn’t filed divorce papers, and you haven’t mentioned if he intends to, so there is a chance there is time. But it’s very important that you make changes that you can keep. One of the worst things you can do is to make “phantom changes” which are, at least in my view, changes only made to lure a husband back and then dropped once he gets back. 

Because that will destroy any trust you’ve managed to regain. And he will very wary of any claims you make the next time. When I was making changes, I worked with a therapist for some of them, and I made one change at a time. Otherwise, it would have been overwhelming and unrealistic, and I had to come back and revisit some of the work I did occasionally when I would drift back into my old habits. 

My husband was reluctant to believe in my changes. I had to just wait and continue to be very consistent with my new behaviors. In truth, I couldn’t blame his doubts. My behavior HAD been all over the place, and I was still a work in progress. Heck, I’m STILL a work in progress, and that’s okay. But I think that my willingness to keep trying became evident over time, and he eventually saw that I was very sincere.

Make the Changes that Please You First: While I do think that making needed changes can definitely help, I don’t think you need to beat yourself up or believe that you’re a bad person. It is important to keep in mind that your husband is likely frustrated and angry right now. So he may be quite generous about the criticism he’s giving you. In other words, what he’s telling you may be exaggerated. That’s why it makes sense to take an honest look at what you really need to change. You don’t seem blind to your issues, and I’d strongly suggest seeking help if you can. Mental health is beneficial in ways that have nothing to do with your marriage, but it can help on that front too.  

I’d also suggest taking a methodical approach. Find issues that you are your husband both want to change and start with the issue that seems the easiest to tackle and to feel good about yourself first. Don’t think that you can change everything in a day. You likely can’t. This is hard work, and it takes time. I applaud you for doing it. 

You Probably Don’t Need to Announce Your Self-Improvement: Although I think it’s fine to share with your husband that you’re making changes, I wouldn’t advocate announcing that you’re going to become a better person. It is better to “show, not tell.” If you make a sweeping announcement, he’ll likely only doubt you anyway. But if you show him the changes and let him come to his own conclusions, he will be more likely to believe them. 

Finally, although becoming a better person may benefit you in all sorts of ways, don’t assume it will magically fix your marriage. There are two people within it and two people who have their own sets of issues. There are likely issues that you’ll both need to tackle together eventually. Becoming a better person may make your husband want to work with you. And that’s great. That means you and he can work together to erase the issues standing between you.

That’s basically what happened in my case. I made some changes on my own, and that shift allowed my husband to see that it was worth it to then try to work with me to see if more could be salvaged. Thankfully, it could. But I don’t think I was a bad person initially, and I’m sure you aren’t either.  If it helps, you can read more about how I eventually got it together, even when separated, and saved my marriage at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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It can be both exhilarating and frustrating when your separated spouse runs hot and cold. It can feel like bliss (and like you are finally making progress) when he runs hot. But it can feel like a rejection and like you are being used when he runs cold. You can also wonder what you’ve done wrong, even when he assures you that you haven’t done anything.

A wife might say, “my separated husband’s attitude toward me can completely change from one week to the next and it’s very confusing. For example, last week, my husband stayed at our home for two days and we acted like a couple. We had dinner together, had sex, and woke up in each other arms. This week, I asked my husband over for dinner, thinking that we could have a repeat of last week. Not only did he refuse, he gave no reason for this and told me that he was busy. When I asked him what he was busy with, he said that this is his business and not mine. He was almost snippy with me. As far as I know, I haven’t done anything to make him act this way. I haven’t even seen him for days. He has been hot and cold throughout our separation and I do not understand it. Why is he acting this way? And how can I get him to stop?”

There are various reasons that you might see this type of behavior. Like yours, his feelings can fluctuate from one day to the next. Many people miss their separated spouse. They miss the closeness of that relationship. So it can be only natural to still be affectionate with one another when you are together. (There is where you get the “blowing hot” behavior from.) Still, often times, not enough time has passed and not enough work has be done for your husband to let go of all of his reservations and concerns that lead up to the separation in the first place. So, when he thinks about these issues or problems, he can begin to pull away and that is when you see or feel him blowing cold.

This is not an easy situation and it’s understandably confusing. So what can you do about it? Well, I’d start with trying to make sure that you haven’t done anything or contributed to his coldness. This probably isn’t the case, but it’s worth it to try to clear the air. I’d try something like, “last week, we had such a great time together and now things feel completely different between us. Did I do anything to offend or upset you? I’m confused as to why your behavior toward me has changed.” Do not say this with an accusatory tone to your voice. Instead, try to sound patient and sincerely concerned.

If your spouse insists that you did nothing wrong, the next step would be to try to erase those things that concerned your spouse before the separation (and likely contribute to your being apart now.) Because those things might be the issues that are causing doubt in your spouse. Once you erase these concerns, he should regain confidence in your relationship and its ability to heal, so he will hopefully be less likely to pull away.

Finally, sometimes you have to accept that some fluctuations during the separation can be normal. Emotions are running high. Not everyone is going to feel the exact same emotions every single day. There is some uncertainty to be expected. In my experience, the best thing that you can do is to ensure that you’re doing everything that you can to get your marriage back on track and to make the most of your time together. Beyond that, you sometimes have to be patient during the times that he pulls away. I know that this is hard, but I found that continuing to ask my husband what was wrong and continuing to pressure him to come closer to me only meant that he pulled away more often. I had more success when I tried not to take the down periods or lulls personally and I kept myself busy with other things (like working on myself.) When I was able to successfully do this, I almost always found that if I waited for a bit, my husband would come back more enthusiastically, which allowed for us to make progress on our marriage. This required a lot of restraint and patience, but I decided that it was better to hold onto the progress that I was making instead of having to constantly step back because I was trying to rush and apply pressure too often.

Of course, if these fluctuations make you feel used or taken advantage of, then you have every right to address this.  You need to make sure that you’re a willing participant in the dynamic between you.  In my own case, I was willing to handle the fluctuations because it meant that my marriage was still on the table.  But that is going to be individual for each person.  This ended up working for me because eventually, I did save my marriage.  You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: There was a time when my husband and I always had the same old stupid fight. And we hated fighting over that thing so much that we would brush it under the rug as soon as we were able. We’d either half-heartedly make up, or just begrudgingly go on as though nothing happened.  

And we went on like this for some time – until we eventually separated. So I understand why people sometimes tell me that they’re terrified that their same old silly fight is going to one day bring their marriage crashing down.

Someone might say, ” My husband and I have a handful of marital issues that keep on growing and feeding upon themselves. Our marriage gets worse each year. Every birthday and anniversary, I struggle with what to write on his card just a little more. It’s like we are strangers some days. He has become increasingly angry at me. And we tiptoe around these issues. I don’t dare do anything to bring them up and yet, somehow, we always seem to find a way to brush up against them over and over. I’ve tried meeting him halfway, but he doesn’t do the same. I’ve asked him to go to counseling, but he resists that. If we don’t fix these problems, I’m not sure we’ll be married much longer. Yes, we’ve become somewhat good at ignoring these issues, but it seems my husband likes and loves me a little less with each passing year.”

I understand where you are coming from. I had the same concerns in my own marriage, and yes, I did end up separated. But I’m going to tell you something you may not agree with at first. While I do believe that our issues weakened our marriage, I believe that it was a lack of intimacy that really brought us to our knees.

While I think a Lack of Intimacy is Sometimes the Real Problem:  When you have unresolved issues with your marriage, it chips away at your closeness over time. And that’s what I happened to us. When you aren’t close anymore, it’s tons harder to work through your problems. So if you have any issues that make you both bristle, you’re going to be less likely to be able to work together to get through them. So they’ll just continue to dog you, unresolved and lurking.

However, when you were first married or deeply in love, it would have been different right? It would have been in my case, at least. My husband used to think almost everything I did was cute. And when we had missteps and misunderstandings, we were both patient and accommodating.

But this doesn’t happen when you’re at each other all the time when you’ve been married for a while. You can’t laugh off your problems when you aren’t as intimate anymore.

So What Does This Mean When You Put It Together?:  I hope I’ve convinced you that often, a lack of intimacy is as much to blame as one specific problem or problems. But what does that mean, exactly? It means that I am suggesting you do not put the cart in front of the horse. 

Try to gain back some of the intimacy between you before you tackle the huge problems. I know that it may sound as if I am asking quite a bit of you. But start slow. Admittedly, this may be a gradual process.

How to Gradually Restore Intimacy Before Tackling Large Problems:  I’m not going to suggest that you tackle your husband and pretend to be a newlywed the second he gets home from work. He would wonder what has gotten into you and may even be suspicious.

But I would suggest trying to add humor and lightheartedness to your time together. Try to find occasions where you can chuckle together or laugh. Find simple pleasures to take on together like taking a walk, listening to music, playing with your animals (if you have them,) or going to the park. Once you’re comfortable there, begin to really, really talk again.

You’d be surprised at how simple, and effective all of this may be. It may take some time. He may be leary at first. But keep at it. Because it’s even clumsy reconnecting is certainly better than fighting. And once you get the intimacy back, you can tackle the things that are bothering you the most.

Handling Your Biggest Marital Issues:  With any luck, you’re going to find that you have fewer problems once you’re feeling intimate again. Often couples find that the things they were clinging so tightly to just don’t matter as much anymore because everyone is getting their needs met. 

However, for the problems still present, try to meet him halfway and work with a sense of compatibility, playfulness, and cooperation.  

I know that all of this is a lot to ask, but by working methodically and restoring the intimacy first, I did get by husband back eventually. You can read that story at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many separated wives have been told or suspect that they should play hard to get while separated or try the “no contact” method to lure their husbands back. However, not everyone understands how these strategies should work. It’s not always completely clear when you should reach out or pull back.

Someone might say, “My husband is the one who wanted to separate. I begged him not to do this to us. But nothing I said or did made a bit of difference. I have also asked him repeatedly to see or speak with me, and although he does at times, I always feel that he doesn’t really want to. It’s like I’m forcing him, and he’s always reluctant to have anything to do with me. Some people have been telling me I should turn the tables on him. They’ve said that when he contacts me, I shouldn’t respond. I’m worried about that strategy, though. He contacts me so rarely that I don’t feel I have that type of luxury. When should you not respond to a separated spouse?”

This is a very tricky question. Although I admit that I did sprinkle some no contact into my separation strategy late into the game because I messed things up so badly initially, I believe that you must be very careful with this. I”ll explain why.

Be Mindful of Fragility:  As you’ve already explained and you intuitively know, things are fragile right now. He’s not contacting you very often, so what happens if he decides he’s been somewhat out of line and he wants to reach out to you? And then you rebuff him one too many times? As a result, he could give up. He could think you’re not acting in good faith. And he may feel that perhaps he was right all along.

As I alluded to earlier, the no contact or not responding should be a strategy that is used sparingly and alternated with cooperative contact. It’s probably not a good idea to go all in on this when you’re on very shaky ground.

And you never want to be rude and look like you don’t care at all. If you want to save your marriage, it’s silly to pretend the opposite.

The Fine Line Between Caring and Giving Space: I decided early on that it was never going to work if I pretended that I didn’t care about my husband or my marriage. My husband would know this was a lie, so any strategy where I thought I was being slick would be blown.  

As a result, I had to walk a tightrope to make it appear that while I still cared about my husband and my marriage very much, I had my own life to navigate and figure out while he was doing the same. I never did things like forget his birthday or not acknowledge when important things happened in his life. 

But, he had asked me to give him space, and at some desperate point, I decided to respect that. And I told him that I was doing the same. I made it clear that I’d wait for him to reach out to me. And, much to my shock, he did. 

I admit that I was thrilled, and I wasn’t silly enough to think that I was going to not respond. That would not have been in my best interest, but I didn’t overreact as I had in the past, either.

Picking the Right Time to Tone it Down: My “less contact” strategy came about when I honestly didn’t have a choice. I became a pest to my husband, and he was avoiding me like I was the worst person in the world. So I had no choice but to let him alone. When he did start to reach out to me, I was receptive, but I did not jump when he called as I had before.

I wanted him to know that I was serious about doing what was best for myself as well. If I didn’t show respect for myself, how could I expect him to? So I didn’t always call him back immediately, but I did call back eventually. But not getting back to him at all and pretending I just didn’t care?

That was something that I just wasn’t willing to do. I did care. I wanted my marriage. He knew these things. There was no sense in lying. But, I didn’t want him to think he held all of the power, either. So I wasn’t always going to drop everything for him, but I was going to eventually see him when he asked that of me. There is a way to walk a fine line and accomplish both things.

As you may suspect, taking this approach requires that you slow down some. But honestly, that’s fine. It’s better than fine, actually, because gradual changes feel more sustainable and real. Changes that I made over time allowed my husband (who had serious doubts all along) to trust that we really could rebuild. And he just would not have bought this if I had continued over pursuing him. 

So yes, I do think that you sometimes need to slow down and let him pursue you. I think it can be healthy to not jump every time he calls. But to completely ignore him? That’s a hard one for me to get behind because I’ve seen it backfire. I’ve seen the husband just shrug his shoulders and not try again, and I’ve seen both spouses try to “get back” at one another during games like this – so that things deteriorated even further.

If your goal is to get him back during “no contact,” be careful that you aren’t making it so that reconciling is less likely because you’re playing games, he knows it, and he has no patience for it.  

Sure, you can slow things down. You can not always be immediately available. I did these things, and they worked for me. But I never pretended I didn’t care if I answered my husband or not. I never didn’t respond at all (although I may have delayed things.) Strategy is up to each wife, of course. But I never saw the reasoning behind antagonizing the person you’re trying to get back. 

Here’s more about the modified no contact strategy I’m talking about.

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By: Leslie Cane: Husbands who are no longer happy at home give various reasons for wanting to move out. Sometimes, they are specific. And sometimes, they are frustratingly vague. They can even make their leaving seem like something that must happen because they’re standing on moral grounds. This can leave a wife unsure of how to respond. After all, how can she tell him not to listen to his conscience or not to do what he is sure is right?

She might say, “My husband is saying that he is going to leave our home by next month. We have been having problems for several months, so I can’t say I’m surprised that the topic of his moving out has come up. But I’m a bit surprised that he is going through with it. I admit that my husband and I are different. He is a bleeding heart. He would give his last dime to anyone if I would let him. He is obsessed with self-growth, always doing the right thing, and putting other people before himself. He’s always been this way, but after COVID and the state of the world for the past couple of years, he’s gotten more severe about this. Therefore, he seems to think that I am selfish, materialistic, and narcissistic. I don’t think that any of these things are true. I’m definitely not as altruistic as my husband, but I am not a bad person. However, he’s making me feel like I am. I admit that I’ve made mistakes in this marriage. I’ve stretched the truth sometimes. And I’ve hurt my husband, but he’s done the same. Neither of us is perfect. Still, he has said that he must move out because he knows in his heart that he needs to follow his integrity. He says he can’t in good conscience stay. What do I say to that? That he needs to stay with me because that is what I want, and he can just turn away from the voice in his head? That would make me look like more of a jerk than he already thinks I am. I want to save my marriage, but he thinks that is selfish on my part because I’m once again focusing on what I want.”

This is admittedly a tough situation. I know how badly it hurts to watch your spouse move away from you and believe that it is what he must do when you know in your heart that it is the wrong thing and you strongly suspect that he is mistaken. Yet, if you tell him your thoughts, he’s just going to think that you’re acting selfishly. 

Try to Approach Him in the Spirit of Compromise:  It’s often quite problematic to try to reason with a spouse who believes he has his mind made up. He’ll debate for as long as his patience holds out, but eventually, he will start to avoid you, which isn’t something your marriage may be able to withstand. 

Things often work better and run more smoothly if you approach this as someone who is going to try to help your spouse get what he wants while sparring yourself pain. In short, you want to appear that you’re trying to find a way to help both of you get some part of what you want, and you’re ultimately trying to make things better. 

I always think it’s a good idea to offer to move out of your bedroom in place of your spouse moving out. Offer to take the spare bedroom or to stay with friends for a while so he has that space he wanted, but no one has made any permanent changes, and you don’t have to worry about the effort it takes to get him back in the house.

Not all spouses will take you up on this, but it’s absolutely worth a try, especially if you make it look like you’re trying to be cooperative and act in good faith.

If His Moving Out Comes to Pass:  If your offer to compromise with him still living at home doesn’t work, you can still approach this from a place of caring. You can still try to offer your support and stay in close contact. It’s very easy to allow things to deteriorate once he moves out. Avoid this at all costs. Believe me, it can be hard to get back on track once that disconnect happens and you add in some distance.

You’ll do yourself a favor if you can agree to how often you’ll communicate and see one another before he moves out. It is so much easier to follow an already agreed-to plan than to just flounder along and get hurt feelings if he doesn’t communicate in the way that you expected.

Maintaining communication is so important during this time. And sometimes, the time apart is healing. He may come to learn that he was wrong in some of his assumptions about you, and you may come to appreciate his wanting to do what he thinks is right. But these realizations may take some time. 

Be willing to give him a bit of space if he asks for it in the beginning. I pressured my husband too much, and he started to avoid me, and I became paranoid. This turn of events led to a bad outcome – until I was able to get things back on track.

So try very hard not to panic as I did. And approach him as the man who is your husband and who is struggling – and not the man whose mind you must change as soon as possible because he is too mistaken to truly know what he wants. Give him the respect he’s come to deserve and allow him to come to his own wishes. Make it clear that, although your ultimate goal is always going to be to save your marriage because you love him, you also want to figure out how to make him happier – hopefully within that marriage.

Once I stopped focusing on changing my husband’s mind and more on the correct, most important things, I saw a huge amount of improvement. We did eventually reconcile. You can read that story at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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