Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Because I often write about saving your marriage and avoiding a divorce, I’m sometimes approached by wives who tell me that they’ve tried “everything,” and yet nothing works to change the husband’s mind about a divorce. This article will outline some steps that may work. If you haven’t tried these tactics, I think that you definitely should before you throw in the towel.  If you have tried them all and none have worked, then I’ll list a backup “last-ditch effort” plan at the end of this article.

Have You Made Every Effort To Replace Negative Feelings With Positive Ones? Here’s where so many wives go wrong when they want to prevent a divorce or change their husband’s mind about splitting up. Many times, they panic and go on a crusade to strong-arm the husband into changing his mind about going forward with the divorce.

So, they engage. They question. They push buttons. They do anything they can to get their husbands’ attention – even if this means they are getting negative attention.

I know this because, in desperation, I tried these tactics myself.  Here is the problem with these methods. All they do is make you appear more unstable and less attractive. I understand why we all do them, but they don’t work. They just elicit more negative feelings that your husband is going to associate with both you and the marriage.

Instead, every chance you get, you want to place yourself (and your actions) in a positive light. You want to do things that are going to bring you closer to your husband rather than farther away.

Does this mean I want you to suppress your own feelings and needs? No, not at all. But you can always communicate with your partner in positive ways that you can feel good about later.

So many husbands tell me they feel as if their wives are trying to “beat them down,” with noise to change their minds. While they may give in initially, their heart is not going to be in it. So, the next time there is conflict, they are going to block your efforts big time, which will only make preventing a divorce harder for you in the end.

Are You Focusing On What’s Wrong Rather Than On What Is Right With Your Marriage? Another huge mistake is that wives think they have to immediately fix every single problem in the marriage. So, they sit their husbands down and recite a list of everything that is wrong and outline how you are both going to “work on it.”

Many men just do not have the patience or the communication skills for this. They feel beaten and discouraged before they ever get started. In short, the plan often sounds like too much work, sounds too hard, and appears too out of reach (which elicits a lot of the negative feelings I discussed earlier.)

What you should do instead is to focus on what is right with the marriage. You don’t even need to tell your husband that you are doing this. You want to show him rather than tell him.

Your goal is to bring back the positive feelings and situations that contributed to your falling in love in the first place. You do this by presenting the best version of yourself – the woman that he first fell in love with.

I’d be willing to bet that when you were first dating, both of you were much happier, laid back, open, and loving, and willing to work through any problems and fights quickly. People deeply in love don’t want to waste time bickering. So, you must be able to return to a place where you both are feeling affection and empathy (which later leads to commitment.)

Now, I don’t mean that you never have to discuss or work through your problems, because you do. But, when your marriage is already on very shaky ground, it’s probably not a great time to dissect and call attention to what is wrong with it. If you can return to a place where both people are receptive and loving, then working through your problems is going to be so much easier.

The Last Ditch Effort When You’ve Tried Everything To Change Your Husband’s Mind About The Divorce: If you haven’t yet gone all out on the above suggestions, you definitely should. I have found that if you try to prevent the divorce from a different angle and a positive rather than a negative place, this sometimes works. However, if you have tried all of these things and your husband is still dead set on a divorce, then I typically suggest that you agree with him up to a point. I’ll explain.

The best-case scenario is to agree that the marriage needs work. If you both can agree on that, you’ve bought yourself some time and now have both people committed and open to working things out.  If this isn’t possible, and your husband is still dead set on a divorce, the next step is agreeing to a break wherein you will both take time to work on yourselves. You have to be convincing about this and tell your husband that you’ve thought it over and you too, would like to take some time for yourself. The strategy behind this is that agreeing to the break is better than agreeing to a divorce, and it will ease some of the tension and resistance. So, what do you do on this break?

You still present the woman he fell in love with, but you actually do work on yourself. You go out and see friends. You take up old hobbies. You do all those things that make you happy, which you never had time to do before (and you make sure these things get leaked to your husband.)

I promise you this is going to help your cause and not hurt it. Because not only will this make you feel better, it might inspire your husband’s interest, or at least his curiosity.

Ultimately, you want him to know that the openhearted, fun, and self-respecting woman he fell in love with is still alive and kicking, and you want to realize (due to her absence) that he misses her very much and wants her back in his life.

The method is the same if your husband is actually going forward with the divorce. And, the reasons behind it are also the same. The idea is that if you present yourself in the best light, he’s going to eventually realize that the negative feelings he used to feel are now replaced with positive ones, so why should he still need to leave the marriage? Yes, you have to have the discipline to do this, but what other choice is there?

I learned these steps after almost losing my own husband. Eventually, I did have to use a variation on the last-ditch effort, but it worked. You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

By: Leslie Cane: This question is actually more common than you may think. When couples are in crisis or are in talks about taking a break, splitting up, or divorcing, emotions can run high, and doubt can creep in. Affection, attraction, and love can still be smoldering under the surface even if a couple is experiencing hard times. This is all understandable, but sex amongst couples who are divorcing or splitting up can be very difficult and can be confusing for both parties.

In these situations, it’s very common that one person (in this case, the husband) wants to split up while the wife wants to save the marriage. Therefore, still being intimate with someone with one foot out the door can be heart-wrenching and can send very mixed signals. On the one hand, the husband is telling the wife he wants to end the relationship. On the other hand, his wanting sex and intimacy is saying something else entirely – that he is attracted to and wants to be close to her. This article will discuss what to think about and do when your husband wants a divorce but is still trying or wanting to be intimate through sex or intercourse.

What To Consider Or Do When You’re Divorcing And Your Husband Still Wants To Be Intimate?: First, you need to define how you are feeling about this divorce. If you deep down want to save your marriage or are still in love with your husband, it may seem that having sex with him is a way to bring him closer to you. This makes sense, certainly. Admittedly, it is a good sign that your husband is still finding you attractive and desirable. However, it’s not fair to either of you for these mixed signals to take place. If he is truly going to go through with the divorce, then it’s not at all fair for him to play with and take advantage of your emotions.

Ask your husband if his wanting to be intimate stems from his inability to let go, or if it is possible that there is still love, affection, and desire that he is attempting to return. Does he think the relationship can be saved because if he doesn’t (or is not at least open to explore this), it is hurtful to expect you to be intimate with him and then just turn and walk away – unless that is what you both want. (It actually would have broken my heart during my own separation.)

Sex Versus Intimacy. Letting Go Versus Trying To See If The Spark Is Still There: It can also sometimes be important to understand the context in which the request for sex took place. Sometimes, it comes under the context of “one more for old times’ sake,” as a way to let go. Sometimes, it is an attempt to see if any spark remains. Sometimes, it is just a man’s way of getting something for free.

It’s important that you evaluate the situation and understand what is going on here. This will differ depending on the couple, the people, and the circumstances involved. Of course, how to move forward is always going to be your choice. But understand that in healthy relationships, intimacy should be something shared between two consenting adults with clear intentions. If you both understand what the sex means and are fine with it, then there may not be a problem as long as you are both comfortable and clear. This is rarely the case, though.

More often than not, the wife feels compelled to allow the sex as a way to try to hold on to the marriage, and the husband’s intentions may be different. Or, the husband is not sure whether he really wants to divorce and is trying to see if the passion is still there. Speak up and ask what’s really going on, especially if the sex makes you uncomfortable, unsure, or if you feel that it takes your power away. Your husband can’t respect you if you don’t.

Initiate an honest conversation with your husband and tell him that you still love him and want to be intimate, and are happy that he still finds you attractive. However, reiterate that it’s confusing to ask this of you when you are going to divorce. Ask him if the intimate feelings that are coming out mean that there is still a spark and whether he would be willing to work on the marriage. Sometimes, his wanting to have sex can be a good sign, as it shows he still has intimate feelings toward you.

However, true intimate give-and-take is difficult in this situation with a divorce hanging over your head. Rather than just giving in and giving your power away (and then feeling resentful), use this as a starting point for an open conversation about how you both feel about saving or ending your marriage.

This situation never came up for me when my husband and I were separated.  He was pretty uninterested initially.  As we began to connect again, we waited for intimacy, and for me, it was wise to wait.  Our reconciliation was very hard-fought, and I was paranoid to do anything to jinx it. You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Since I often write about saving your marriage or your relationship and bringing the love back, obviously, my answer to this question is a resounding yes. Not only did the methods I will discuss in this article contribute to my own husband falling back in love with me, but they have also helped others as well.

The truth is, you only need to look around for the confirmation that people fall back in love all of the time. Couples break up and get back together. They divorce and remarry. They have serious, real problems, and they work them out and go on to have very happy, successful, and loving relationships.

There is actually a pretty well-known study that followed couples who had serious problems in their marriage and were at a crossroads. Of the couples who stuck it out and committed to working through their problems, 85% considered themselves happy in their marriage 5 years later. Obviously then, it’s very possible to fall back into a happy and loving place with a bit of work and a decent plan. This article will discuss ways that you can do just that.

Why People “Fall Out Of Love”: Many couples (myself included) make the mistake of thinking that their spouse, partner, or significant other has fallen out of love with them for external reasons like cheating, infidelity, crisis situations, and times of highly stressful circumstances.

Although these things can strain a relationship and contribute to symptoms that precede losing intimate feelings and closeness, they are not the sole or even the most significant cause.

More often than not, the real cause of falling out of love is that one or both partners are struggling with feelings and/or perceptions about themselves. Although lost feelings of intimacy and connectedness are a red light and a warning sign of a marriage or relationship in trouble, often what is really happening is that the relationship is no longer eliciting positive feelings in your spouse, partner, or loved one about themselves. Notice I said themselves. Not you.

So many people assume that a relationship turning distant has everything to do with what they are doing wrong or where they have failed. It often is not. It often has more to do with what is NOT going on with the person who has “fallen out of love.” I’ll explain.

The reasons that people become deeply in love have to do with the feelings you are able to bring out in them about themselves. The relationship makes them feel competent, attractive, desirable, unique, and compelling. More, when relationships are shiny and new, we lavish a lot of time and attention on them. The result is a strong, intimate, and connected relationship that reflects the time put into it. As a result, it makes both parties feel as if they are on top of the world and the only two people in it who really matter.

But life happens. We have to start paying attention again to our responsibilities, jobs, and other loved ones in our lives. This is completely understandable. We all do it. But, it can leave your partner feeling neglected, vulnerable, and let down, because now the positive feelings they were feeling about themselves and about you are lessening.

Over time, this contributes to his or her experiencing more negative than positive feelings about the relationship until they are eventually not in love anymore.

How To Get The Original Feelings Of Love, Commitment, And Empathy Back: The methods you use to get the positive feelings to return will depend greatly on where you are in your relationship right now.

If you have already split up, you will have to move slowly and take smaller steps, but the results will be the same if you are successful.

If you’re still in the relationship and just feel a distance or void, you’ll likely have an easier time because you have a present and captive audience.

So, your goal in getting your loved one to “fall back in love” is to restore, return, and replace the negative feelings with the positive ones that your partner used to associate with his or herself.

The key is to know when and if it is an appropriate time to move forward. It’s vitally important that this never feels fake or like game playing. If your partner gets wind that you have a plan, he’s likely going to retreat even more. And, you should not participate in any behaviors that will elicit negative feelings and push them further away.

That means no engaging, arguing, debating, repeatedly questioning them, pushing their buttons, or bombarding them with messages and texts they don’t want right now. In the end, you want them to WANT to get the positive feelings back and to “fall back in love” on their own. You want them to think this has all been their own idea.

To do this, you need to present them with the person they first fell in love with. This is usually someone who is light-hearted, open, fun, and laid back.

Once you’ve successfully done all these things, your loved one is receptive to you, the feelings have returned, and you’ve “fallen back in love,” you can then work on addressing the problems that contributed to the break down in intimacy, but I feel you shouldn’t attempt this until the relationship is back on strong ground. If you move too early, this could push your loved one further away.

This may sound daunting. And it can be if you try to tackle everything at once.  But if you take a gradual approach, it is doable. I had to use this approach to clean up the mess I made early on in my separation. You can read that story by clicking here or visiting my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Since I often write about saving a marriage and avoiding divorce, I am often asked how to bring the spark back or return the gleam in a husband’s eye. I used to ask people how they know their husband is no longer in love with them, and I would get answers ranging from, “it’s just something I feel,” to wives telling me that their husband has muttered phrases like, “well, I love you, but I’m not in love with you,” or “I just don’t feel it anymore,” etc.

Over time, I’ve come to realize that it truly doesn’t matter how much love has been lost or even how things got this way. The truth is, if you feel that your husband has fallen out of love with you for whatever reason, then consider your feelings valid and take action. There’s a reason that you feel the way you do, and everyone’s marriage can be improved by working on it. It’s better to be proactive and improve your marriage (whether your husband has fallen out of love or not), than to do nothing and watch from the sidelines as the distance grows.

Getting Your Husband’s Love To Return In The Simplest, Easiest Terms: This may seem like I am oversimplifying it, but please hear me out. If you want your husband to fall deeply in love with you (again), then what you need to do is based on a simple formula that sounds easy, but can really much harder than it sounds. In a nutshell, you need to replace the negative feelings that are causing distance and replace them with positive ones that bring you closer together. Sounds easy, right? Well, here’s why it sometimes is not (but why you should do it anyway.)

First, if there’s a great distance or serious problems or issues that you are trying to sort through, it can be difficult to put those things on the back burner until you can bridge the gap. In short, there’s usually a large elephant in the room that makes falling back in love difficult for one or both parties. You must overcome this.

Second, your life is probably much fuller and complicated than when you and your husband first fell in love. You probably have more responsibilities/obligations and less time in which to do them. It can be a challenge to pour the same amount of attention and effort as when you were first dating. (You must do this, though. More on that later.)

Third, you can’t be obvious about what you are doing. Husbands hate feeling that they’ve been manipulated or that their wives are playing games. If they suspect this, they will often dig their heels in even more. It’s difficult to go from arguing to loving in the blink of an eye and pull it off. (Again, though, you must.)

Why You Must Return To A Place Of Love, Empathy, And Commitment: So, I’ve told you why this process may be challenging. Now, I’m going to tell you that you must ignore any nagging “buts” or excuses in your head and just do it. Yes, it may take some doing. Yes, you may have to bite your tongue or act in a way that requires you to focus on the good rather than the bad. But, you must do it because it is the only way you are going to return the positive feelings.

Think back to when you were first dating. Can you remember your first fight? Many people can not. However, if you can remember it at all, I’d be willing to bet that you both got over it and worked it out much more quickly than you do today. That’s because people who are very much in love don’t like to ruin it by fighting and want to make up quickly. This is what being in love does for you. It diminishes the problems and challenges of marriage and helps everything fall neatly into place so much more easily.

How To Work Deliberately And Methodically: Hopefully, I’ve been successful in convincing you that you need to overcome anything that is in your way of restoring your marriage to a place where you are both “in love.” Now, at the risk of sounding like Glenda in The Wizard Of Oz, I’m going to tell you that you already have what it takes to win back your husband. It has been with you all along. (Stay with me.)

Obviously, you already knew the formula that made your husband fall so deeply in love with you that he married you. I want you to think long and hard about what you did, how you did it, and which shared experiences contributed the most to it. I want you to list the qualities that were most important to your husband when he “fell in love.” Please don’t limit this list to looks, sex, or chemistry. I know those things are important, but I’m looking more for things like a sense of humor, attentiveness, open-hearted enthusiasm, intelligence, etc.

Once you have this list, I want you to evaluate how often you are showing your husband these traits and how much you’re sharing experiences that allow these traits to come out. I’m betting (because I know from my personal experience and research) that the answer is not enough.

So, I’m hoping that what you should do next should be obvious. Without harping or dwelling on it, communicate to your husband that you would like to make your marriage stronger (no need to list all of the things that are wrong.) Don’t tell him how you’re going to do it or make this a long discussion. SHOW him how you are going to do it by your actions. This is much more effective.

But, make sure your actions come off as genuine and are things/actions with which you are comfortable because in a perfect world, you are going to keep right on doing them long term, even once you get the results you want. They are what is going to keep your marriage strong after your husband falls back in love with you.

How did I learn this? Through making a lot of mistakes, researching, and trying new things, when trying to make my own husband fall back in love with me. These mistakes meant that I almost ended up divorced.  But eventually, I was able to not only save the marriage, but also make it stronger. You can read that story by clicking here or visiting my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Fair warning. What you read in this article might (at least initially) make you angrier at your husband and /or make you feel worse about your relationship. But, please bear with me because knowing the truth is what can eventually save it. I would ask that after you read the article, you take the time to pause a bit and allow what it contains the time to sink in. After you do this, you’ll likely understand where I’m trying to go with this and that ultimately, I’m trying to tell the truth as I know it to help you save or re-obtain your marriage or your relationship.

Why Husbands / Men Leave Or Want A Divorce: In the most simple terms, (which is, of course, oversimplifying it a bit), men quit contributing to or check out of a relationship when they feel it’s more beneficial to them to leave than to stay. Many stressors are both a symptom of or contributive to this (money issues, stress, infidelity, etc.), but in the end, if they are honest, the husband generally feels that the formula that used to be the magic in the relationship is now gone and can’t be reestablished.

What Men Really Want (And What Those Who Leave Feel They Aren’t Getting): To really understand why men leave or seek a divorce, you first have to understand what men ultimately want. I mean no disrespect to men or women when I say this. Some men are going to disagree with me on this, and that’s ok. This is only my observation and experience. But, I believe there are three things that men really want (I call these the three A’s to make them easier to remember). These are attention, appreciation, and admiration.

On the surface, these are pretty self-explanatory. In very simple terms, men want to feel like they are your protector, problem solver, provider, lover, and soul mate all rolled into one. In a nutshell, men want to make women happy. In turn, they want us to reciprocate and confirm that they do their job very well. Husbands don’t ever want to think that you love your job or your friends more than you love them.

Men want to feel that you not only “get them,” but that you also really adore, admire, and appreciate this intimate knowledge of them. Men want to feel like they deserve to be the center of your world because they do such a good job taking care of us.

And, if you start to back off on these three As, then husbands take this very personally and feel like somehow, it’s them who have failed or let you down since you are no longer reciprocating. Men hate this feeling and they want to run from it as fast as they can.

When my husband first asked for a divorce, and I was doing absolutely everything I could do to “read between the lines” to come up with the “real reason” he wanted out. Finally, a very frustrated friend of mine blurted out, “Face it, he’s just not that into you anymore.”

Although devastating, I accepted this to be true. Knowing what I know now, I realize this was wrong. The truth was, he didn’t think I was that into him anymore so in response, he was then not that into me. Because I was smack in the middle of job demands and grad school, I wrongly believed I no longer had the time to give him the attention, appreciation and admiration men crave. ( I assumed he knew that I wanted to and would pick this back up when school was over, but I was wrong about this too). This was a huge mistake on my part, but thankfully I was eventually able to rectify this.

Men don’t cheat or leave because another woman or another situation is more attractive than you are (contrary to what you might be told) or led to believe. I firmly believe that men cheat or leave because they think the other person or situation is going to give them more of what they want (although they often learn they are wrong about this.)

How To Use This Knowledge To Your Advantage and Save / Preserve / Revitalize Your Marriage: If you’ve stuck with me this far, you might be thinking something like, well, then if that’s what my husband really wants, that just makes him selfish. Doesn’t he know I, too, have a job, kids, demands, etc? This is a very fair reaction to which you are entitled. But try to see things from your husband’s point of view. At everyone’s deep-down core, we all just want to be loved and appreciated. One day, one of my husband’s friends told me, “In the end, he only wants you to look at him with big, adoring eyes again.” This changed my whole course of action.

Like I did, use this knowledge to your advantage. If you want to save your marriage and you’re in a situation where you can begin to give the three As back to your husband (with it being genuine, and not fake or game playing) then simply do it in a sincere but calculated manner.

If you’re already headed for or in the middle of a divorce because your husband wants this, then this will be harder to do, but it can be done. Ultimately, to save your marriage (when you’re the only one who wants to) you need to do three things:

1) You need to get the situation to a place where it can be non-confrontational and open. This might require you to stop asking your husband repeated questions, badgering, begging, texting, etc._

2) You need to show your husband that you can be the same happy, stable, attractive and lovable person who first caught his eye – not the resentful, scared, busy, and preoccupied one he may now perceive you to be;

3) Once you have 1 and 2 of this equation, you then need to (very slowly and as your situation allows) begin to provide your husband with the three A’s discussed in this article.

I was eventually able to do this (though I made a lot of unnecessary mistakes along the way). The key is patience and an open heart combined with a calculated plan. You can read my story by clicking here or visiting my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Ask a handful of random people of all ages, backgrounds, and social or economic status what are the real keys to a long and happy marriage and you’ll likely get a wide variety of answers. Examples include “love,” “happiness,” “romance,” “companionship,” “sharing with your soul mate,” “children,” and “family.”

Before you continue on reading this article, stop for a second and ask yourself what you consider the most important key to keeping and maintaining a happy marriage. Or, if your marriage is in trouble, vulnerable, and/or headed toward or in the middle of a divorce, which keys would you need to focus on the most to save it?

Now, let me say that no matter what your answer, whatever was the first thing (or the most compelling) that came into your mind is likely very important, relevant, dead on, and worth pursuing.

The One Key Thing Is Commitment: It Trumps Everything. However, according to research, academic studies, and relationship experts, there is really one common theme/key that comes up time and time again among lasting, happy marriages. And that is commitment. Simply put, couples who stay married (for whatever reason) do so because they either feel they should, have to, or want to stay in the marriage.

Of course, all of the things that we typically associate with a lasting marriage (happiness, love, family, soul mates, etc) all can very much contribute to people wanting to stay in their relationship. But, apparently, at the end of the day, (even in the absence of all of the romantic things previously mentioned), at least statistically speaking, commitment wins out time and time again.

If you think about it, this makes a weird sort of sense. Commitment is clearly in short supply today when at least over (40%) forty percent of marriages end in divorce. But don’t feel bad if you didn’t guess commitment. Almost no one ever does. (I never would’ve before my marriage was in trouble, and I did tons of research to save it.)

Statistics And Facts Dispel Myths About Lasting Love And Marriage: Most people understandably assume that love conquers all. But there are many studies that dispel this myth. In fact, there is a study of marriage that has disproved many common myths about love, soul mates, romance, and even happiness as predictors of long-lasting unions.

For example, in the study, couples who initially had “soul mate” type, red hot romances AND expected that to continue throughout their marriage were more likely to divorce, probably because they were disappointed and unable to cope when the “spark” invariably faded and things like careers, money, and family competed for quality couple time.

The study also indicated that happiness isn’t necessarily a predictor of lasting matrimony. (There are various scary studies out there indicating that only between 35 – 40% of married couples would describe themselves as “happily married.”)

But, if there’s any good news, it’s this: The study also indicated that periods of unhappiness and tough times do not necessarily indicate that a marriage is doomed or will fail in the future. In fact, it followed couples who stuck out tough times and stayed married. Of those who avoided divorce, over 85 percent considered themselves happy in their marriage five years later.

So, clearly, if you and your spouse can bump up your level of commitment, work on what the places are where you’re vulnerable and stick it out, your future need not be all doom and gloom. There’s no reason that, like the 85% of couples in the study, you can’t end up quite content.

Taking This Information And Making A Plan: How do you do get this commitment to save your own marriage? Well, first you need to start with what and who you can control – yourself. The truth is, the only person over whom you have total control is yourself. Yes, sometimes you can play games and guilt, badger, convince, threaten, fool, or beg the divorcing or unhappy spouse to see things your way, but, in the end, this will often backfire and lose effectiveness. For lasting and long-term change that actually fixes what’s broken, both partners need to eventually be willing participants.

The good news is that often one person’s small changes (at the right time and in the right way) will often encourage eventual, willing change on the part of the other. Small genuine changes that encourage true companionship and commitment feed upon themselves and tend to get easier with each small success.

What you’re trying to create is true companionship and two mutually committed partners that know they are part of the same team. Because winning teammates can fight, go through hardship, and encounter rough waters, but in the end, most everyone on a truly winning team knows that individual efforts, accomplishments, and satisfaction also ultimately strengthen and contribute to the further the success of the team.

When I was initially trying to save my marriage, I was the only one with any commitment. I was eventually able to reverse this and prevent divorce through a lot of very careful research, very gradual efforts, and hard work. Eventually, I got my husband on board as well. You can read that story at http://isavedmymarriage.com

If you’re reading this article, chances are you’re in a place where you’re researching going through or preventing divorce and/or saving your marriage. However you got to this point, it’s likely that either you or your partner have mentioned or requested a breakup, separation, or divorce. For purposes of this article, I am writing from the position of the spouse who wants to save the marriage, as that is where my personal experience lies.

Your Spouse May Not Have A Firm Handle On His Reasons For Wanting Out: I know the title of this article may seem strange, but bear with me when I argue that the reasons your spouse gives for the divorce aren’t as important as your reactions to them (and the subsequent actions you later take.) That’s because what your spouse initially says may not even be accurate (even though they may think that it is), and his or her feelings on the split (and the reasons for it) usually aren’t well defined either. The same will likely be true for you, which is why it’s so important to have control over your actions.

In this article, I won’t be talking about abusive or troublesome situations. What I’m discussing is stopping a divorce that stems from common issues like a lack of communication and intimacy, misunderstandings, or recurring arguments that can be worked out.

Obviously, even the slightest mention of the word divorce (no matter how you’ve delivered it) can cause dramatic reactions. The threat of splitting up can bring about panic, anger, confusion, and desperation on the part of both spouses. This can cause a person to act in ways that aren’t typical or normal, especially in the beginning.

Likewise, the spouse who is requesting the divorce can also have conflicting, mixed feelings and trouble communicating them. Sometimes, the divorcing spouse can’t verbalize, (or may not even know), the true reasons he’s requesting the breakup other than vague statements like “It’s just what I want,” or “I don’t feel it anymore,” “I’ve fallen out of love,” or “I just think it’s best.”

Worse, the partner who wants out sometimes sends out mixed signals. They may hold and reassure you, or they may send out aggressive or standoffish vibes via conflicting body language like clenched lips, folded arms, shifting their weight back and forth, or having trouble looking you in the eye. No matter what they are doing, they are likely reacting from a place where they’re simply frustrated that (from their point of view) intimacy and closeness have left.

This leaves the rejected spouse in a difficult position since this person has the absolute right to know why their partner wants a divorce or to end the marriage. Of course, they are entitled to answers and certainly want to know just how sure the spouse who initiated the divorce is about this decision. It’s completely natural to react strongly.

Why Your Reaction Is Everything: It’s best to remember that for initial strategic purposes, the reasons given for the divorce don’t matter as much as your reaction to them. Attempt to gauge your partner’s true feelings/reasoning as a yardstick to see what you need to accomplish to come to save the marriage, but don’t use it as a means to debate with your partner or prove to them why they are wrong.

What matters now is that, for whatever reason, at this time (which doesn’t mean it won’t change tomorrow or in the future) your partner feels that it is better to leave the relationship than to stay. Your goal is to eventually encourage this to change, but not in a way that will further damage the relationship or make your spouse think you’ve forced him into “giving in.” Remember that it’s likely that the divorcing spouse is every bit as emotionally turned around as you are. Try to imagine his or her emotional confusion and turmoil at coming to this decision (I know how difficult this is.)

I believe the best thing to do is to take whatever your partner says at face value (initially.) Once he or she has explained (even if it’s vague and unacceptable), don’t continue to question and/or badger him/her. Don’t accuse or try to negotiate or engage.

What you’re doing here is buying time until you are both less emotional, volatile, and vulnerable. I believe the ideal situation (which I wish I had followed) would be to ask if you can revisit this at a future date when both of you have had time to reflect. Your spouse may say no in the heat of the moment. That’s OK because your goal here is to begin (and continue to) present yourself in a flattering light.

You will build on this calm as you go forward in communications. When you see that your lines of questioning or discussions are going nowhere, then it’s time to stop.

Why It’s Important To Stay The Course: You may be wondering when it’s too late for this. Perhaps you’ve already gone through the initial and subsequent discussions, and it’s not heading where you’d like it t,o and you still can’t get a handle on your partner’s true feelings about the divorce. It’s never too late to take a step back and attempt to return to neutral. The best thing to do is to lay the foundation for positive communications in the future.

You do this by remaining calm and as receptive and understanding as you can possibly manage. You may even want to find some issue on which you can agree with your spouse and validate him or her. Again, I know this can be difficult and goes against your natural inclination, but laying a foundation for future improvement / saving the marriage is really your goal, and you can’t reach that if your spouse is avoiding you.

However, in saying this, I do not mean you should be a doormat. It’s perfectly OK to communicate that you don’t agree and are disappointed. But, tread lightly here and remember the goal is to strengthen (rather than stall or slow) future communication.

Understand that you can eventually and slowly dig deeper, but that should only be your end goal. You have to realize that saving a marriage takes time and is usually very gradual. You won’t be able to make any huge changes or get any answers immediately. But, if you play your cards right, you will set it up to get these later when you are on more solid /stable ground. And really, any information gathered ultimately matters only in how it helps you forge the ACTIONS that will save the marriage. Requesting anything else can just muddy the waters.

This advice comes from personal experience. I wish I had known then what I know now. Although I reacted very badly initially, I was able to change my attitude and save my marriage.  You can read that story at http://isavedmymarriage.com

by: Leslie Cane: After we’ve been in a relationship with someone for a decent period of time, we should learn a lot about their moods and the subtle cues they give off about what they’re feeling (which a stranger or someone who didn’t know them very well, would miss.) This gives us an important “in” if or when the relationship turns sour or is headed for divorce.

Yet, so many people, (who were so very good at reading these cues while they were dating), completely miss them when the relationship or marriage is in trouble. Being able to read BOTH your partner’s verbal and nonverbal cues will help you gauge how you need to present yourself or communicate to your partner if you’re the one wanting to save the marriage and need them to eventually be receptive to this.

Vague Messages Make Reading Your Partner’s Cues Much More Difficult: Admittedly, this is harder than it may sound. Often, the unhappy partner will say one thing but will mean something else entirely. Sometimes, the unhappy spouse doesn’t know or can’t accurately verbalize the true reason they want the divorce or want out of the relationship. They may say something vague like “I’m just not happy,” “I’ve fallen out of love,” or “I just don’t feel it anymore.”

This doesn’t mean they are lying to you. Most people who want to divorce are just trying to verbalize the same thing: they’ve lost a feeling of intimacy and closeness and they don’t know how to (or they don’t currently want to) get it back. Sometimes, the partner is trying to deny or stifle feelings or is trying to appear more confident and / or unsure about the decision than they really are.

How Body Language Can Be A Tell: You must read your partner’s nonverbal cues when you have conversations about your marriage. Pay close attention to his or her lips, posture, eyes, and how he or she is holding his / her arms. Are the lips clenched, pursed, or relaxed? Is the posture slumping, stiff, or loose? Are their fists clenched or down by their sides? All of these things will help you gauge your partner’s true feeling about, and conviction towards, the words he is speaking.

Now, I don’t tell you this to make you think that you know your partner better than he or she knows himself (and by all means don’t say this to them), but I do strongly believe that your instincts and/or close watch of nonverbal clues will help you to more fully understand what is going on.

The Conversation You Need To Have: I highly recommend simply and directly asking your partner if they can share the events or feelings that lead up to talk or a breakup or divorce. Pay very close attention to how they respond (both verbally and nonverbally) and then gently and calmly verbalize this back to your partner. If it appears to you that your partner is upset, tense, unsure, or worried, tell them and ask (calmly) if there’s anything you can offer to help. (They might say no or react in an undesirable way, but you’ve set the stage for open and calm communication in the future.) If they reject this outright, just remind him or her that you are here and are willing to engage with an open heart when they are ready.

Reading the clues can give you very important information on where your partner stands on repairing or saving the marriage. If he or she shows defiance, hostility, aggressive determination, or stress, then you will need to present your case from a place or diffusing these emotions calmly. The tact would be different if your partner was exhibiting sadness, anxiety, or fear. Then, you’d present yourself from a place of reassurance.

This doesn’t mean, however, that you should be a doormat. Putting yourself in a position of weakness does not save a marriage either. There’s a delicate dance between an open heart and self-respect and dignity. You need both. If you are desperate or powerless, it will show as very unattractive.

In the end, most partners are just trying to tell you that, somewhere along the way, they’ve lost intimacy and a feeling of closeness. But, their verbal and nonverbal cues and clues can tell you how they really feel about this and how receptive they are to saving your marriage, preventing divorce, and getting the closeness back.  And, even when they are not receptive, you can work around that gradually if you are willing to accept small victories over time.

I was horrible at reading my husband’s cues when he first asked for a break, but through a lot of research and hard work, I became much better at it. Eventually, (though commitment and lots of effort), I was able to not only save the marriage but make it stronger. You can read more by clicking here on how I stopped a divorce (when I was the only one who wanted this at the time) on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Although no one can really answer this question for you, I hope to give you insights on what has worked for me and others. Through my own experience and research, I’ve developed a theory on what will make a husband stay and what will drive him further away. It is my opinion that “chasing a husband” in an obvious way often backfires. A wife who appears needy, clingy, is trying too hard, and is giving all of her dignity and power away, will often appear less attractive to a husband.

There is a better way. One which will allow you to still lure your husband back without acting in such a way that will bring him closer to the door or influence him to leave sooner. Some may call it game playing or manipulation, but it’s really giving your husband more of what he really wants which allows you to get more of what you really want as well. It’s a complete win-win situation where both husband and wife are much happier in the end.

Please note this article is addressing situations where the husband is worth chasing. In abusive or harmful relationships, sometimes letting him go is the most healthy solution. However, when there have been happy times with considerate actions, and love on at the part of at least one party remains, here is what I feel is the best method to return the love and commitment to your marriage.

Return Feelings Of Love And Affection By Giving Your Husband More Of What He Really Wants (Lure, Not Chase.): In truth, men are pretty easy to figure out. And, you have an advantage in that you probably already know what makes your husband tick. You had this formula mastered so much that your husband married you. In general, men fall in love when their partner makes them feel intelligent, capable, attractive, and powerful.

Note that I didn’t write that you have to look like Jessica Alba. You don’t. How many times have you wondered what in the world a man sees in a plain or unattractive mistress, girlfriend, or wife? The truth is, it’s often not at all about looks (although you should certainly look your best.) It’s about how you make a man feel about himself. Yes, you read that right. It’s about how he feels about himself. It has more to do with the feelings you are able to bring out in him.  Mistresses are masters at this. They know how to make a man feel like he is the center of their world.

Now, I know what you are thinking and you are right.  Your feelings are absolutely valid. You may be thinking “Well, why do I have to do all of the work? He’s not a child who needs my undivided attention.” Of course, you are right. No one can be receptive to their partner’s every whim and maintain their self-respect. I’m not asking you to do that.  Not at all.  I’m asking you to pay attention to both of your needs.

To do that, first, think back to when you were first dating. The amount of time, effort, and intensity you put into the relationship was probably indicative of your closeness and intimacy. You were probably both very happy once upon a time.

And, I’ll bet that when you disagreed, both people got over it quickly and made up without much fanfare. People who are very much in love don’t want to ruin things with petty spats. That’s why you have to return these positive feelings. If both husband and wife are feeling affection and empathy, everything else falls into place so much more easily.

Now, think about what your husband loved about you when you were dating (your sense of humor, your quick wit, the attention you gave him, the fact that you were a good listener, etc. Fill in the blanks.) Now ask yourself how often you show him these qualities today. I’d be willing to bet it is not enough. I know this because we are all guilty of this (husbands too). (I was guilty of this too and it led to my painful separation that seemed like it would never end.) It’s very common. We all have responsibilities and obligations that make this difficult. But, making even small efforts can make a huge difference. I’ll bet your husband will notice that you are trying even if you make small attempts.

What Not To Do: Which Mistakes You Should Avoid When Trying To Get Your Husband To Stay? Panicked Chasing, For One.: First of all, do not panic. Do not beg, promise, argue or debate. Do not act in a way that is going to elicit more negative feelings which will drive your husband further away instead of closer to you.

It’s important that your husband understands that you love him, value his happiness, and are committed to making the marriage work. However, you only need to say this a few times. Don’t follow him around continuing to make promises or act in a way that is not becoming of you to get his attention. This will only make you appear more unattractive and will only confirm his feelings that he wants to leave.

What you want to instead is to show your husband the improved situation, not tell him that it is coming. So, as best you can, display the person he first fell in love with and interact with him in that way. This may be hard at first, but I promise it will quickly eliminate a lot of tension and anger.

He may think something is up or put up a wall. He may be suspicious.  No matter.  Keep right on presenting him with the best version of yourself.

Here’s a very important piece of the puzzle. Make sure that during the times you are not with your husband, you are doing what makes you happy. Yes, you. Simply put, you can not give him what you don’t have. I’m telling you to portray a light-hearted, happy, intriguing person. To be this person, you must fill your reserves. You must do whatever is necessary to put a genuine smile on your face.  This may mean seeing old friends, pursuing old hobbies, or taking something entirely new.

Not only will this make you feel better, but it’s likely to generate a little spousal interest. He may wonder why on earth you are so upbeat (or what or who is making this possible.) That’s ok. Just tell him that you realize you’ve been neglecting both of you and that you love him and yourself enough to focus on happiness.

The situation I want you to create is one where both parties are emitting positive energy and both are happy and fulfilled. As both of you experience more positive emotions, it will be so much easier to interact.

There’s a trick to pulling this off without a hitch, but I am living proof it can be done. If your husband is not receptive to you, you’ll have to take baby steps but the process is the same.

Once your marriage is back where you want it, you can then discuss (and fix) the problems that caused the distance. But, don’t try to do this before you’re back on solid ground or it may make the situation worse before you can make it better.

How did I learn this? Through making a lot of mistakes, research, and trying new things. Eventually, (though commitment and lots of effort), I was to get my husband’s attention, and eventually, his commitment.  It did take some finesse, though. You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com