Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: If you’re reading this article, chances are you’re frantically researching how you can get your marriage back on track or save it from divorce. It doesn’t matter why. Whether you have children, know that divorce can be emotionally and financially difficult, or just believe that marriage should be forever, some steps will help you preserve your marriage (and some steps will take you further away from your goal).

What You Should Not Do To Save Your Marriage: First, we’ll discuss what not to do. It’s perfectly natural to panic when the words divorce, separate, or break up are muttered. This kind of talk hurts badly, and it’s understandable to want to stop it right away at any cost. It’s very common to try to reason with, entice, threaten, beg, stalk, or bombard your partner with letters, text messages, and phone calls in an attempt to change their mind. I know that my husband could’ve very easily accused me of stalking when he wanted a divorce. I just figured the more he saw of me, the more he would understand how much this was hurting me, and the higher the chance he would change his mind.

Wrong. All this did was drive him away more and just reinforced in his mind that I was the type of needy person from whom he wanted to steer clear. The very hard truth is that when a divorce or breakup is on the horizon, one partner has, at least in some way, found the other undesirable. If you act irrationally, desperately, or in an unstable manner, you are only going to prove to your partner that their decision is probably correct and that your behavior is as they suspected. Yes, this could be wrong. Yes, the breakup may not even be your fault, and it may be your spouse who is acting incorrectly, but it doesn’t matter because the results are the same. To quote Dr. Phil, “Would you rather be right or be happy?”

What You Must Do To Save Your Marriage: The most common reason for divorce is a loss of intimacy. Yes, infidelity, money problems, or disagreements may be a symptom of, or stimulus for, this lack of intimacy or closeness, but it all boils down to the same thing. To feel bonded and close to someone, you need to see the good qualities in them. Generally, they are a person that you like, respect, are drawn to, and desperately want to spend more time with. Be honest. Are you (as you are now) at least similar to the person your spouse first fell in love with?

You are right if you are thinking this is not a fair question. Because I know your spouse is not the same either, and I know that now you probably have stress, responsibility, and maybe kids are thrown into this mix. These scenarios make being happy-go-lucky and light-hearted a tad bit difficult. But, to save your marriage, you need to present this person that your spouse thinks has gone away for good, and reintroduce this person to your spouse.

How hard or easy this is will depend greatly on the current state of your relationship. If you and your partner aren’t speaking, this may take some time. Also, this “new you” has to be a conclusion your partner comes to on his or her own. You can’t go running up to your partner declaring you’ve changed or the circumstances are different, and doesn’t he like the new you? Nope. If the change rings as planned or fake, it is going to backfire miserably (which it did for me at first), and you’re going to have to work even harder.

Here’s the real key, and it can be tough, but it is necessary. You need to ensure and work on your own happiness. This is what makes the change genuine, and this is how it will work. Dust off your old albums and CDs. Pursue an old hobby. Go out with old friends. Become the busy, engaging, passionate, always learning person your partner loved, but don’t tell your partner you’re doing it.

I’d be willing to bet this will at least generate some marital interest or curiosity and will set the stage for a return of intimacy down the road.

I know that although all of the above sounds simple, it really isn’t. In the end, I saved my marriage through research, learning new skills, and dumb luck. You can read more by clicking here or visiting http://www.isavedmymarriage.com/

By: Leslie Cane: I have written many articles about preventing divorce and saving your marriage, so I suppose it is no secret that, for the most part, I believe that it is always possible to save your marriage even if your husband insists that he wants a divorce. Over the weekend, I received an email from someone who said, in a nutshell, “I absolutely do not want a divorce, but he does. Divorce is a worst-case scenario for me. I believe marriage is forever, but I think he is going to pack his bags any day now. What can I do?”

Obviously, from an email, I can’t know all of the specifics of this couple’s marriage or why the husband wants to end it, but I can generally speak about some of the best ways to change a husband’s mind about the divorce. Many of these methods require you to calm down a bit, step back objectively, and think about the long term rather than the short term. I’ll tell you the tips I gave her in this article.

First, Don’t Allow Your Husband’s Threat Of Divorce To Drive You To Act In Such A Way That Will Make Things Worse And Make A Divorce More Likely: Many times, a husband who wants a divorce when a wife doesn’t can be a heavy burden. It’s common to panic and to want an immediate resolution. You want this threat gone immediately. You want to make up, feel at peace, and move on.

But, the truth is that often the problems didn’t happen overnight. Although there are things you can do that will have almost immediate results, it may take time to get back on solid footing. That’s OK because what you do now is going to lay a stronger foundation for the future and will be worth it. So, onto the things I mentioned that will make things better quickly.

First, don’t panic. Don’t make desperate-sounding promises or pleas that are beneath you (your husband will likely just want to escape this because it elicits guilt). Don’t try to make him angry just so he will pay attention to you. Don’t threaten him or use the children as a bargaining chip. Don’t ask for “just one more chance to prove things” to him.

I am listing these things because they are so common. I have done them myself. (Big mistake. More on that here.) We all do them when we panic, and none of them work long-term. Even if you are successful in buying yourself some time, your husband will know that you won, and he’s going back on a decision he made because you forced him to do it. So, you may win this little battle, but you likely won’t win the war. Why? Because next time he’s going to be determined that you won’t, and he’s going to dig in. Worse, he’s going to resent you.

Understand That When You Try To Change Your Husband’s Mind About The Divorce, You Are Telling Him His Feelings Aren’t Valid: Probably the biggest mistake that wives take (no matter which tactic or plan they try) is that the message beneath the plan to stop the divorce insinuates that the husband is wrong to want the break, separation or divorce. In short, this is saying his feelings aren’t valid – that he doesn’t deserve to be happy. Now, maybe you know that his stance IS absolutely wrong. But, communicating this to him is not the way to get him to see things your way. Think about it for a second. When someone tells you that you are wrong (and you feel very strongly that you are not), how receptive are you to this person? Not very, right?

So, the better thing to do is to validate your husband’s feelings and the fact that he wants this divorce. Just accept it (but communicate that you are very sorry he feels this way), for now (of course, you’re not accepting it long term.) This will alleviate some of the tension, and he will no longer feel he has to shield himself from you.

You may ask him to share with you the specifics of what lead up to his wanting a divorce. Don’t argue. Don’t interrupt. Make eye contact and lean in, but don’t initiate intimate contact. Your husband may balk at this and not want to talk. That’s OK.

Here is the important message that you want him to understand. You may not say this in so many words, but this is what you want to come across: “I hear and understand that you feel this way. I agree that I would like our marriage to be better. I am committed to making our relationship better, no matter where that ultimately leads. I care about you too much to have bad feelings between us.”

Your husband may scoff at this. He may not listen right now. But, when things calm down, when quiet and calm prevail, he will remember these words.

Turning Bad Feelings Into Good Ones. Turning Back The Clock: If you remember nothing else from this article, please remember this. If your husband wants a divorce, it’s likely because when he thinks of you right now, it elicits negative feelings. At least right now. You have got to get back to a place where he feels positive feelings when he thinks of you. You may think that isn’t possible right now, but it is. It may take time. You may not be speaking, or he may not even want to be in the same room with you, but if you validate him and allow the situation to calm down, you can begin initiating positive actions.

I want you to think back to when you first met this man. What did you love about him? How did you treat him? I’d be willing to bet that you genuinely cared about his happiness and well-being, and you greatly appreciated him. This brought out the best in both of you, and you were both at your best when you were together. This was likely the union of two people who were very in tune with the needs of one another. There was no need for anger or score-keeping or petty arguments. You may think that you can’t get back to this place (“we’re older,” “we have kids,” “we have too much responsibility,” etc.,) but you can.

Focus on the things that first brought you together. Approach this from the place that your husband (and you) deserve to be in a relationship where both people are happy and fulfilled. You probably know deep in your heart (even if you don’t want the divorce) that things aren’t right. This doesn’t mean they can’t be better.

Your husband may not believe that change is possible, as he hasn’t seen any real change yet, and he doubts this. Your goal then should be to show him, little by little, bit by bit, as you are able, (even if he does begin divorce proceedings or moves out) that the women he fell in love with is still right in front of him and she wants both of you to be happy again.

Trying to convince and strong-arm my husband to change his mind about the divorce backfired on me in a big way. Luckily, I decided to show him my sincerity and love for him with my actions rather than my words. Eventually, I was able to save the marriage. You can read my story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives asking, “How to get my husband to come back home.”  The situations described in these emails are different.  Sometimes, the couple has had a huge argument, and the husband has left the house in anger. Sometimes, the couple has been fighting for a long period of time, and the husband just wants “a break.” Sometimes, the couple is in the midst of a trial separation. And, sometimes, the couple has begun or is going through divorce proceedings. Whatever the situation, though, there are some things that you should do (and also shouldn’t do) to achieve your goal of getting your husband back home.  I will discuss these things in this article.

First, Don’t Act In Such A Way Or Do Things That Are Going To Push Your Husband Further Away From Home: Often, when a husband walks out the door, emotions run extremely high on both sides. It’s very common to feel that the clock is ticking because the longer your husband is no longer living under your same roof, the harder it is going to be to get him back home.  I understand this logic, but if there is anything positive about a break from one another, it is that it allows the high tension to subside.  So, don’t interfere with this process by allowing your emotions or your panic to let you get carried away or to react badly.

Some women will make the grave mistake of acting in such a way that it just adds more negative emotions to an already bad situation.  They try to make their husbands feel guilty. They use their children as bait or as a bargaining chip. They try to strong-arm their husbands or insinuate that their husbands or being selfish, hasty, or ridiculous.

Or, they will take things to the other extreme and they will degrade themselves by begging, following, texting, and generally making a nuisance of themselves, and not allowing the break to do the needed job of calming down the situation.

It’s so easy to give in to these emotions. I know because I made these same mistakes when I was panicking and wanting my husband back home desperately.  But, these things only hurt my marriage rather than helping it.  One way to avoid getting caught up in this is to ask yourself (before you act) if what you are thinking about doing is going to elevate or degrade.

When You Interact With Your Husband, Show Him A Woman Who Is Strong, Capable, And Who Has Self-Respect: Often, you will see or be in contact with your husband when he is away from home.  Many women make the mistake of then trying to make their husbands feel guilty by telling them how hard it is to cope, how much they miss them, or how angry they are that he is doing this to you.  But, think about what you’re doing. Are you contributing to more negative emotions? Are you focusing only on yourself and not on him?  Are your actions communicating to him that he is wrong to want to be happy or to want a better situation?

Instead, it is much better to show him concern about HIM.  (Yes, this is a bit of reverse psychology.) Ask him how he is faring.  Tell him you are available to talk or support him.  Repeat that you want him to be happy and that you are committed to making things better. He may not take you up on this at first (as he may not believe you), but you’ve put it out there, and he may remember this in the days to come as tension starts to abate.

Although you may not feel like it right now, it’s very important to focus on yourself.  When your husband (or someone with whom he is in contact) sees you, you want them to see someone who is upbeat, loving, strong, and emotionally stable.  You can’t project this if you’re really a mess.  Get out and try to put some happiness and peace in your life (and make sure this gets back to your husband). The idea is that you are a vibrant, competent, self-respecting woman who is not dependent on him for your happiness.  These traits are very attractive to a husband, and they are likely to generate a bit of curiosity.

Simply put, confidence and competence are attractive.  Make sure you are projecting this instead of someone who just can’t make it without someone else.

Don’t Jump The Gun Or Focus On The Problems Until You’re Back On Solid Ground: Often, the things that I’ve just mentioned will work well,  at least somewhat, but many women make the mistake of moving too fast and jumping the gun.  Once their husbands start to be receptive to them again, they will then want to “work through” their problems or ask the husband for all sorts of reassurances and commitments that he may not be ready to give.  (Remember the competent, self-respecting woman we’ve discussed? Don’t abandon her as soon as things start to get better.)  Many times, when you tell your husband you want to “work on your marriage,” at least to him, you sound like the teacher on Charlie Brown, and all he hears is “work.”  It’s better to focus on restoring the strong, positive feelings between you.  It may well take some time until your marriage is strong enough to pick it apart and discuss the hard issues.  Yes, you will need to address the problems that keep rearing their ugly heads, but you shouldn’t even go there until you’re both somewhat committed.

So, at this point, I often have women say,” I’m completely on board with this.  I know you are right, but my husband won’t see me, take my calls, etc.”  Well, it’s possible that the reason he hasn’t been communicating with you is probably because he has had a negative experience every time he has tried to, so your job is to let him know that this will no longer be the case.  The best way to do this is to let “the new you” slip to him through mutual friends, but if you have to, you can “accidentally run into him.”  The last resort is writing a letter, but many men will resist this unless you can pull it off flawlessly.

When my husband moved out, I made many of the mistakes I described in this article. I stalked, begged, threatened, and acted very badly. What a shock.  These things didn’t endear me to my husband.  But I picked myself up and eventually saved my marriage. You can read that story at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

By: Leslie Cane: I often write about rescuing marriages.  One question that I get quite a bit is: “Is my marriage really over?  Is this really the end?” Although every case is going to be different, I can tell you right now that, even without knowing anything about you or your spouse, my first response would be to say no.  How do I know this? Because you’re here.  You are reading this article.  You’ve obviously cared enough about this question to seek out information and educate yourself in an attempt to make this situation better, and that is a very good sign. My answer would be the opposite if you were completely indifferent about your marriage and its end, but I don’t believe you are.

My stance on this question has always been that if at least one spouse is not yet completely indifferent, then there are some unresolved issues on the table, things left unsaid, and cards yet to be played that just might change the outcome.  So, assuming that, at least for you, the marriage is not yet entirely over, I will offer tips and questions meant to prompt you to take the action that could save your marriage.

Have You Kept The Feelings, Discussions, And Exchanges Positive? I can tell you that, without a doubt, the most common mistake that couples make when distance appears, or talks of separation, serious problems, or taking a break begin, they allow all sorts of negative emotions to explode and make the situation worse.

Let’s think about this for a second as an observer.  Take yourself out of the equation and consider that if your marriage has gotten to a place where you wonder “if it’s really over?” then there must be a lot of negative feelings and misunderstandings between you.  Probably when your spouse thinks of you right now, there may be frustration instead of happiness, and a distance rather than closeness.

So, when you are negotiating discussions about your marriage, it’s status, and ways that you can fix it, so many of us make the grave mistake of once again focusing on the negative –  hurtful things that have taken place, times we’ve been wronged, how we’ve been disappointed, etc. and we then place the blame or point out all of the problems and the ways we’ve been let down.

Again, we’re thinking about this as a third-party observer.  If someone were giving you a laundry list of all of the problems to which you contributed, how would you feel about this person? Would you feel closer or further away from them?  Would you want to participate in more of this or escape it?  Would you feel like the person (in continuing to point out why you are wrong and repeatedly trying to change your mind) really respects you, your feelings, and your right to be happy?

I don’t ask these questions to frustrate you or make you feel guilty, I promise.  I’m just trying to show you things from your partner’s point of view.  So many people just give their partner more of the same when negotiating the marriage.  When you give more of the same, you will get what you have always gotten.  And, if your marriage is in trouble, this isn’t at all what you want.

A Better Plan If You Don’t Want Your Marriage To Be “Really Over”: So, if you want to save your marriage (even if it seems to be over), you’re going to want to approach your partner as someone who wants to work with them together to make things better. You need to explain to them that their individual happiness and your contentment as a couple and a family are your highest priority.  Look them right in the eye and tell them that you are committed to helping both of you get what you need in the relationship.

It’s usually helpful to see if you can get your spouse to explain to you why they are unhappy or frustrated. Try to dig a little deeper when they give you vague statements like “I’m just not happy,”  “I just don’t love you anymore,” or “I just want out.”  Ask them what things have contributed to these feelings, and then calmly repeat back what they said and ask if you are understanding them correctly. (Note: you’re not wanting to make them uncomfortable here. You don’t want any more negative feelings. If they appear resistant, stop and wait for a better time.)

Usually, whether they can say it or not, most people think they want to end a marriage because it is no longer generating positive feelings in them about themselves.  Yes, you read that right.  It’s often not really about money problems or some other crisis.  It’s often totally about a loss of intimacy and the generation of positive feelings.

When a person “falls in love,” it’s because the other person has poured huge amounts of care and time into the relationship. This sort of mega attention makes the recipient feel attractive, smart, funny, and alive.  Over time, we spend less and less time on this because, frankly, we have a life and we have responsibilities that we can’t escape.

But, this doesn’t keep our spouse from feeling let down when this happens. Eventually, intimacy and closeness wear away, and then it becomes so much easier to let the little things (that would’ve mattered when you were dating) begin to matter very much.

So, how do you counter this? You begin to show your spouse that things are changing with your actions. You want every interaction with them to be a positive one.  This doesn’t mean you are “giving in.” It means that you want to be happy. You shouldn’t be absolutely obvious about this, though, because your spouse will think you aren’t genuine, and no one likes to be manipulated.

So, When Is A Marriage Really Over? I have many people tell me, “OK, this makes sense, but I think it is too far gone.” I’ll usually hear something like “my husband has already moved on,” or “my husband hates me”, or “my husband won’t even take my calls.”

These things can be frustrating, but they don’t necessarily mean the end either.  If emotions are still running high (even if they are negative and strong emotions), it means you haven’t reached the point of no return yet. It may take a while with your exhibiting new positive actions and communications before your spouse starts to trust that they no longer have to escape all of the negativity.

Don’t try to move too fast. They are going to have to develop this trust on their own.  Basically you are building something new, with each positive thing building upon the other, so that in the end, you have a more stable, sound, and completely transformed relationship defined by positive feelings and actions rather than negative ones.

A few years ago, I was sure my marriage was over (because my husband was sure he wanted a divorce.) Although deep down, I did want to save the marriage, I made many mistakes that almost caused it to end for good. Thankfully, I finally realized where I was going wrong and was able to change course and save the marriage. You can read my story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

By: Leslie Cane: Since I often write about saving a marriage (even when you are the only one who wants to), I am often contacted by people (usually wives, but sometimes even husbands) who ask me “when to end a marriage.”  This is obviously quite a loaded question, but with a little follow-up, I am usually able to determine that they really want to know some sort of variation of the following questions: “When is a marriage really over?”Is my marriage too far gone to save it?” Is my marriage worth saving?” and “Is there some sort of cut-off point when a marriage reaches the point of no return?”  In this article, I will try to answer these questions for you and offer you some tips to ponder to help you decide if your marriage is really at its natural end. (Hint, in my opinion, most are not.)

How Do I Know That It May Not Be Time To End Your Marriage? So, how can I say, without even knowing your circumstances, that it’s quite possible that it is not yet time to cut your losses? Because you’ve found this article.  That means that right now, you are researching ending or saving marriages.  This tells me that you are at a crossroads, or not exactly one hundred percent sure that divorce or separation is the right decision for you.  If you have taken the initiative to educate yourself further, this tells me that you also have the imitative to take some steps to at least explore rescuing the marriage or at least ending it in a positive way, which is a very good sign.

That being said, there are very few circumstances where I think it is healthiest to end things once and for all.  These are relationships in which verbal or physical abuse is present and, despite efforts to change this, it doesn’t change.  I can not in good faith counsel anyone to stay in a marriage where they are being physically or mentally damaged and hurt day in and day out with no relief in sight.

If this is not your situation, then here are some things to consider in deciding whether to end your marriage or to save it.

There Are Still Strong Feelings Between You (Positive Or Negative) Or Conflicting Feelings Swinging Back And Forth: Often I hear from married folks who feel that perhaps there are the point where the marriage is going to end because the husband and wife are just fighting all of the time, or there are often periods of fighting and then making up, or there has been a stressful situation in which strong negative feelings have soured the marriage (money issues, infidelity, illness, etc.)

Almost always, I can detect very strong emotions in these folks. They may be completely angry at their spouse, or they may be horribly hurt.  Or, they may be sad and empty because they feel that their husbands or wives don’t love them anymore.

However, what I am often looking for (and hardly ever find) is indifference.  Because when a marriage is one hundred percent and completely and totally over, the parties are typically indifferent.  The marriage is, in essence, dead, and they don’t care one way or another. They aren’t angry anymore.  They aren’t hurt anymore.  They just want to cut their losses and move on because they know there are really no unresolved issues left to work out.

This is rarely the case that is presented to me, though. Instead, the parties are feeling very strong emotions because in their hearts, they know there are unresolved issues or things left unsaid and unresolved (and they still care very much about this, whether they want to admit it or not). Often, deep down, you subconsciously know that you are leaving some things on the table that, if you just brought them into the light, it may make a real difference.  But often, people are so afraid of being vulnerable and so afraid of rejection that they would rather cut their losses than take a risk (which might just pay off).

When Must You End A Marriage Because It Is Too Late To Save It?: Often, people will read my articles and then tell me things like, “I wish I had read the article sooner.  I may have been able to work things out with my husband then, but now it is too late because my husband is … (either really mad, not speaking to me, has or is going to move out, wants a trial separation, etc., etc, fill in the blank).

My question to them is usually, “Yes, but you are both still alive, right?” Because if you’re both still here, still accessible, and even one person wants to work it out, and you both aren’t indifferent to the other, then in my experience, there is always hope. Because it’s highly likely that one or both of you held something back for fear of rejection.  Or, perhaps one or both of you lacked communication skills, which would have contributed to your spouse’s understanding of your sincerity.  Or maybe there is something that you thought you couldn’t move past, but now, with the threat of your marriage ending, you may decide that perhaps you can.

So few issues in marriage (other than abuse) definitely mean the end. Communication, give and take, patience, and sincerity can go a very long way in healing if the cards are played right and you don’t hold back or leave things or gestures unsaid or untried (at the right time, of course.)

So, to answer the question “when to end a marriage?” my answer would be that if you are asking me that question, you are not there yet.  If you were truly ready to end your marriage for good, you would absolutely know it, and your indifference would probably mean you were no longer searching for answers online.

Years ago, I was sure my marriage was over.  But deep down, I did want to save it.  However, my panic and defense mechanisms caused me to make mistakes that almost caused it to end for good. Thankfully, I finally realized where I was going wrong, and I am still married. You can read that story at http://isavedmymarriage.com

By: Leslie Cane: I often write about strengthening your marriage, returning a marriage to an intimate place, and preventing divorce.  Recently, I heard from a woman who asked me if I would share with her “how to make my husband love me again.”  Well, this is somewhat of a loaded question, but most wives in this situation want a few different things: 1. She wants to restore intimacy and closeness in her marriage. 2. She wants to feel that her husband understands, cherishes, and appreciates her. And, she wants to feel desired, loved, and wanted by her husband again.

Many wives confide they had not felt these things coming from their husbands in a long while and this contributed to distance and arguments. Many feel that they are so far apart from one another that they are scared a divorce or separation is on the horizon. So, for everyone in the same situation, this article will discuss ways to encourage behavior that will contribute to your husband loving you again (although he probably loves you now, but the situation is keeping this from coming out, which I’ll discuss later).

It May Be Hard To Believe, But He Likely Still Has Loving Feelings Toward You: First, I’d like for you to understand that it’s very likely that your husband does still love you. Although “falling out of love” is a phrase that is often used for a stale marriage, often what it really means is that he has “fallen out of love” with the state of the marriage. When a husband pulls away from you, emotionally checks out, or gives you vague statements like, “I just don’t feel like I used to,” etc., he is telling you the truth as he knows it.

But, men are not very good at accurately interpreting and then communing what they are feeling. Often times, what they are REALLY feeling and what they REALLY mean is that the relationship is no longer eliciting positive feelings about themselves – yes, themselves (That’s not a typo).

Consider The Feelings That Are At The Forefront Right Now, And Consider What Has Been Lost: Think for a minute about when you first met your husband, back to when you were both trying to impress and grow closer to the other.  You both likely put your best foot forward and deeply cared about the experience each person had when you were together. You probably put a great deal of thought and effort into ways to make him feel and understand how much his well-being and positive feelings mattered to you (and I’ll bet he did the same (as much as he was capable) for you). I’ll bet you both listened intently when the other talked.  And maybe left notes or gifts for one another. And probably initiated intimate and loving gestures and glances that left no doubt as to how you felt.

The results were likely a strong relationship in which both partners felt wanted, desired, understood, attractive, interesting, and competent.  These are the things that make a man feel that he is on top of the world and contribute to his “falling in love.” So, understand that when he says (or you think) your husband doesn’t love you anymore, that’s often not right or inaccurate.  Often, he’s instead mourning the loss of the relationship that made him feel so very good about himself, and he doesn’t know how to get that back.

Examine Any Prior Strategies:  Are They Pushing Away The Loving Feelings?: So, knowing this, what can you do now? First, I need to describe how so many women react when they are trying to “make” their husbands love them again. Usually, one of two things is going to happen. In one scenario, the wife will go on the defensive.  In not-so-many words (and sometimes through her actions), she will be communicating something like: “What’s wrong with you?” or  “Is this how you treat your children’s mother?”

In essence, she is trying to strong-arm, guilt, or convince her husband that he is wrong and just needs to straighten up and fly right.  And, she could well be right with her intentions. But, do you know what the husband is thinking and hearing? He’s hearing that his wife does not care enough to listen to what he is really saying. He thinks his wife is really saying his feelings don’t matter or his concerns aren’t valid. And, as a result, he’s going to distance himself (and close himself off from you) that much more.

The other extreme to this behavior is a wife who will try to “prove” to her husband that he should still love her or she will try to overcompensate. She’ll become a “yes” woman – bowing to her husband’s every whim and acting in such a compromising way that she may secretly resent the fact that she thinks she’s doing all of the work and making all of the concessions. She will think that if she “shows” him just how nice she is and how much she loves him, he will come to his senses. But this tactic is flawed, too.  Because your husband will know that you’re playing games and he will not respect your willingness to compromise your own wants, feelings, and needs.  How attractive is someone who is not genuine or true to themselves? Not very. (Unfortunately, I learned this the hard way.)

An Important, Deliberate Conversation: So, what is the best way to approach this? First, you lay it out on the table. You tell your husband that you are feeling a distance in your marriage, and you miss the closeness and intimacy that you both once enjoyed.  Ask him directly if he would be receptive to improving your marriage.  Many men will balk at this because all they are hearing is the word “work.” That’s perfectly OK.  All you’re trying to do here is to communicate to your husband that you personally would like to make some positive changes.

Show, Don’t Tell: Ideally, you are going to show them (with your actions) that you’re not really talking about work.  You’re talking about changes that he is probably going to like. The bottom line is this.  Define what you are missing in your relationship. If you want more affection from your husband, show more GENUINE affection to him (no game playing here or putting on a show.)If you want more appreciation, let him know you appreciate him.

Now, you may be reading this and thinking that you are the one who’s going to be making all of the changes and doing all of the work.  But, understand that you’re likely going to be rewarded for your efforts tenfold. Because if you can restore the positive feelings that your relationship once elicited in your husband about himself, he is going to return all of the love you feel you are missing. A wife who can make her husband feel understood and desirable is probably going to be a wife who gets all of these things back.

At this point, many wives will tell me that they are receptive to these techniques, but they think the marriage is too far gone to try them. I often hear things like “my husband won’t even notice,” or “my husband is just going to look at me funny.” Well, that might be true at first, but you can’t give up.  If you are genuinely and convincingly giving him what you know he ultimately wants, I suspect that in time, he will return the favor.

How did I learn this? Because I participated in many of the tactics I just warned you against. Thankfully, I was able to restore my husband’s love and not only save the marriage, but make it stronger. You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

By: Leslie Cane: Money has always been a serious stressor to marriage (and is often listed as the number one cause of divorce.)  But, as the world economy takes a nosedive, many couples watch helplessly as their assets and savings dwindle, while others face job loss and homes in foreclosure.  Watching events like the stock market losing 700 points with no real end in sight can bring about feelings of vulnerability and panic that can seriously stress even the most stable marriages.

These volatile economic times can cause spouses to act in destructive ways that aren’t typical of them.  People stop communicating.  They panic.  They avoid the truth of the situation.  They are tempted to just run away.  I understand these reactions completely.  However, I want to stress to you that, especially in volatile times such as these, you need a loving marriage as a buffer from these tough times more than ever before. Allowing your marriage to be damaged will only make things worse.  If you want to find a way to keep issues and secrets stemming money from negatively affecting and destroying your marriage, I’ll offer tips that I hope will help.

Understand That The Money Situation Is Fleeting And Ever-Changing, But Your Marriage Shouldn’t Be: Although it may not feel like it right now, this money situation can and likely will work itself out with honest, open communication and through supporting one another.  I can not tell you how many stories about the Great Depression I have heard from my great-grandmother.  I am sure that you have too from your family.  I’ve heard stories of her children having to use the plastic newspaper wrapper as shoes and of the sons leaving school for a while to help support their sisters. I’ve heard tales of heat being turned off and parents going without food so that children could eat.  These stories seem unreal to me, but one thing that we can all take from this is that most marriages survived these devastating money challenges.  Our grandparents did not allow these trying times to tear them away from those they loved.

My great-grandparents were happily married until their death.  And, they owned a cozy home with a modest amount of assets. Yes, they went through devastating money problems, but they didn’t allow it to destroy them.  It’s entirely possible to recover from money issues, especially when you pull together with those you love.

Address Any Dishonesty And Secrets About Money Now So That The Healing To Your Marriage Can Begin: I’ve been hearing a lot from people (mostly wives but some husbands) who are afraid that these turbulent financial times are going to expose money secrets and omissions that they’ve been hiding.

As more and more couples are forced to take a brutally hard look at their finances, credit card bills and secret stashes that were brushed under the rug are more likely to come out into the open now.  My best advice? Let them, but when they do have an honest, heartfelt, and open discussion with your spouse to address the issues and come up with a plan.  Sit down with your spouse at a time when you are both calm and receptive, and just come out with it.  Explain that it was a mistake that you deeply regret, but you are committed to fixing the problem with an open and honest heart.  Your spouse may well be angry until they have time to process this and see that you are completely sincere and will make good on your promises.  Understand that keeping secrets (money or otherwise) in a marriage is a sure-fire way to create distance and erode intimacy.

Allow Money Issues To Bring You Closer Together In Your Marriage Rather Than Tearing You Apart: In any crisis situation that occurs in a marriage, one of two things will typically happen.  The spouses will either huddle together, commit to being a team, and use the marriage as a safe haven from the stress, or they will allow the crises to erode the marriage, causing distrust, distance, and negative feelings.  Many people allow this process to just happen rather than making a conscious choice.

If you take anything away from this article, please take this. Your money issues may well get worse if you split up. Yes, we live in very stressful times right now.  Money issues and secrets that are destroying marriages are far too common. I understand that these things can make you feel vulnerable, stressed, out of control, scared, and angry.  However, adding a troubled marriage or even a divorce to your list of problems is only going to make things worse in most cases.

Trying to support two households instead of one is even more difficult than any money problems that are on the table.  Not having the emotional and physical support of your husband or wife could very well make you feel even more miserable and vulnerable. In times of turmoil and crises, we all need a partner to help us weather these storms. Let your spouse be that partner.

Yes, there may be money secrets and stress between you.  But, take this as an opportunity and a chance to be honest with your spouse and bring all of those things that were hiding in the dark into the light.  It can make your marriage stronger. And this closeness, support, and strength can help you make it through difficult times.

Money problems were only one of the issues that were tearing my husband and me apart. Things got so bad that we separated. Allowing myself to be vulnerable but honest and self-sufficient helped me to save my marriage. Our financial issues would have been much worse if we had split the few assets we had.  You can read that story at http://isavedmymarriage.com

By: Leslie Cane: I often write about saving your marriage and preventing divorce. One of the tips I often give is that if the husband is just not responsive to your attempts to save the marriage, has one foot out the door, and you are just not getting through to him, that you should (as a last resort) agree that a break is needed. This is because agreeing will greatly lessen the tension and any of the walls that he is putting up to block your attempts at reconciliation. In essence, agreeing with your husband is meant to buy you time and make the job of saving the marriage ultimately easier. In this article, I will clarify what I mean when I say that there are situations where you should agree with your husband when you are trying to prevent a divorce or save a marriage.

I Don’t Mean Lying, Neglecting Your Own Feelings Or Agreeing Just To Keep The Peace At Your Own Expense: When I say that you should agree with your husband to save the marriage, I don’t mean that you should put your own feelings on the back burner and lie about how you really feel.

If an issue is important to you, I would never advise you to downplay it at your own expense. But, I also know from experience and from extensive research, that people tend to beat an issue to death so that eventually it takes a life of its own and then contributes to all sorts of negative feelings that will deteriorate a marriage. There are constructive ways to work through an issue while maintaining both husband and wife’s dignity and integrity. And, there’s a way to get your point across in a way that unites rather than divides you.

When I used to get so caught up on these issues that I could no longer see the forest for the trees, a very good friend of mine used to stop me and ask, “Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy?” I’d rather have both, but ultimately, I’d rather be happy. It’s important not to let your indigence and inability to bend or compromise push your husband further away when that’s not at all what you really want deep down.

I Don’t Mean Agreeing To A Divorce. First, Agree That The Marriage Needs Work And Agree To A Break To Work On Yourselves If You Have To: I want to clarify that when I saw to agree, I don’t mean agreeing to a divorce. I would never advise that. I was always very clear to my husband that I would never concede to a divorce. It was never what I wanted and I wasn’t willing to gamble that far.

In the best-case scenario, you can both agree that the marriage needs work. This will confirm that you are both committed to working on and saving the marriage and you can then come up with a unified, concrete plan to fix it. However, before you start having deep discussions, you should first restore feelings of affection and empathy (very important.)

It’s highly important that when you reach this agreement, you do everything you can to elicit positive feelings in your husband and your marriage and make your best effort to show him the best version of yourself – that carefree, loving, happy go lucky, intriguing woman he first fell in love with.

If the situation is beyond agreeing to work on or save the marriage, then the next step is agreeing to a break. This is sometimes necessary when it’s clear that your husband is dead set on it and you feel it necessary to call his bluff or diffuse the situation. Agreeing to a break though can work to your advantage, which I’ll discuss below.

If You Have To Agree To A Break, Use It To Your Advantage To Save The Marriage: Once you’ve made the call to agree to a break, use it to your full benefit. One thing that almost always happens is that when two people are apart, it will bring to the forefront issues that they both miss and do not miss about the other person. This often brings about nostalgic feelings or feelings of curiosity as to what the other person is up to or how they are fairing. It’s extremely important that you play this correctly.

While it’s important that your husband knows you love him and are committed to saving the marriage, your job right now is to demonstrate that you are an attractive, worthwhile, alluring individual who respects herself enough to remain active and do those things that make her happy. See friends. Pursue old hobbies. Get a makeover. Pick up all of those things you’ve been dying to do but have put off. Go on vacation. Do whatever you have to do to put a genuine smile on your face.

Leak this to mutual friends so that your husband knows about it – and the next time you see or talk to him, display this alive, busy, forward-moving person that he may not have known was lurking. Not may this intrigue him, it will keep your self-esteem in-tact during a trying time. You want to play it so that when your husband thinks of you, he doesn’t envision a depressed woman sitting on the couch with wrinkled clothing and a sour, sad face.

Instead, you want him to see the alive, attractive woman he first fell in love with – and you want him to miss her immensely.

I never agreed to a divorce, but I did make some concessions that I believe worked well for me. This may have seemed like “giving in” at the time, but, in the end, it was actually all part of a larger plan on my part – although I didn’t know it at the time. You can read that story at http://isavedmymarriage.com