Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  I sometimes speak with women (but also with some men) who want me to tell them what, exactly, to say to their spouses to save the marriage.  They want some “magic words” or the “perfect letter” to communicate to their spouse how much they want to make the marriage work.  While these appropriate words are going to be different for each couple, there are common words, phrases, and themes that many partners want to hear.  The real key is how you say it, when you say it, and how your actions back it up.  In this article, I’ll tell you exactly what I recommend that you say (or write) to your partner to save the marriage.

Make Sure Your Actions Match Your Words: So many times, I see people communicate to their spouses that they desperately want to rescue the marriage, only to act in such a way that drives their spouse further away.  Often, there is anger behind the words and a lot of slammed doors,  guarded body language, or aggressive, negative facial expressions that contradict what is being said.  And, often there is a lot of engaging language, ultimatums, threats, unspoken belittling questions, or even overt guilt seeking that is only going to place you, and the marriage, in a very negative light that your spouse could well want to escape even more.

Be very conscious of what your actions are saying.  When I did this exercise myself, I noticed that my unspoken words were really saying to my husband, “You’re wrong. Things aren’t so bad.  How could you do this to me? What’s wrong with you wanting to change everything?”  This was not the message that I was speaking, but it really didn’t matter.  This was what my husband was hearing, and he didn’t much like this message, so he pulled further away.

What You Really Want To Say To Your Partner (With Both Your Words And Your Actions) To Make Them Receptive To Saving Your Marriage: The real key in communicating the somewhat magic words that will save your marriage is to validate your partner so that you are both on the same side.  If you’re on opposite sides (so that one of you has to win and one of you has to lose), then obviously, your partner is going to resist what you are saying.  No one wants to hear that they are wrong, or faulty, or selfish, or mistaken.  Most everyone will react much more favorably if you tell them that they are right, and that you want to help them get what they want.

So, your goal has to be to validate what your partner is saying and make absolutely sure that you understand what they really want. When you are both calm, ask your partner if you can discuss something with them.  Agree that there are serious issues in your marriage and assure them that you agree that some serious changes are needed.  Ask them to share with you what they see as the main issues and problems as they see them.  Ask them what is their best-case scenario.  If they could have anything they wanted in the marriage, or make any changes, what would they be? Do not interrupt, get defensive, or argue. Once they’re done speaking, repeat back what they have expressed and ask them if you are understanding them correctly.  Then, reassure them that their happiness and well-being are a very high priority for you and that you’re going to work with them to make these wishes happen.

What Most People Want In Their Marriage (And Why You May Have To Read Between The Lines):  Sometimes people (especially husbands) are not good at putting their feelings into words. They may say one thing and mean another, or they may be uncomfortable admitting their needs. So, you can go by what they tell you that they want, only to find that they are still not happy.

So, here is, in a nutshell, what most everyone wants in a marriage.  Everyone wants to feel loved, valued, and understood.  Everyone wants to feel appreciated.  Everyone wants their fair share of attention, and they want to feel worthy of your time and efforts.  Basically, they want to same things that you do.  They want to feel that you “get them,” but love them fiercely anyway.  They want your respect.  And, they want you to show them and tell them that you possess all of these things.  I often call it the three A’s.  Affection, appreciation, and attention.  If you genuinely and repeatedly show your partner these three things, it is going to make a huge difference in your marriage.

What Do You Get In Return?:  When I communicate these tips to people, some will tell me, “I can see why this works, and I’d like to try it, but I’m the one doing all of the work, and that’s not fair.  My spouse isn’t taking all of this trouble for me, so why should I?” I can understand this, but I also know that a little bit of work is going to yield returns to both you and your partner.  If your partner is happy, then they are going to return these positive feelings your way.  It can’t help but happen that way.   You’re showing them how you want to be treated. They will be much more pleasant to be around, and the eggshells you’re walking on will fade into the background.   I know it’s tempting to keep score, but don’t.  It doesn’t matter who’s right or wrong or who is giving more right now.  It only matters that, at the end of the day, both parties are happy and fulfilled and committed to making the marriage work.

Unfortunately, I learned these things the hard way. When I tried to convince my husband to rethink the separation, I said all the wrong things. I put us on opposing sides.  I made a huge mess, all of which I had to undo because I could save my marriage.  The rest of that story is here: http://isavedmymarriage.com

By: Leslie Cane: Saving a marriage can take a lot of hard work and commitment, but this process can be even more difficult when only one party is on board. I receive a lot of emails from people who are trying to save their marriages alone. Typically, one spouse will desperately want to rescue the marriage while the other has one foot out of the door or is considering (or has initiated) a divorce. This leaves the spouse who wants to preserve the marriage in a position of weakness, as the unreceptive spouse will typically block attempts at communication and reconciliation. Many people tell me they feel hopeless, like saving the marriage when they are the only one who wants to is a huge uphill battle, or impossible. It may feel that way right now, but I can tell you from experience that it can be done. I’ve done it myself (after initially making every mistake that I could possibly make.) What is typically required is a change in attitude and a change in tactics that can oftentimes result in a change in the ultimate results.

The Only Person That You Can Control In Saving A Marriage Is Yourself: Over time, I’ve seen people make the same mistakes over and over. I made the same ones myself. When you feel the clock ticking down to a split-up or divorce, you can attempt desperate things. We often try to pressure, strong-arm, guilt, or manipulate our spouses into changing their minds. We offer ultimatums or desperate pleas. We swing from one drastic method to another, which only encourages our spouses to tune us out and detach from us even more.

It would’ve saved me a lot of time and heartache if I had just accepted from the get-go that the only person over whom I had any control was myself. You can’t “make” someone do something that they don’t want to do – not long term anyway. If you don’t take anything else from this article, please take this. To save your marriage, you must not be on opposing sides with your spouse. If he wants one thing and you want another, you’ve got an uphill battle. So, don’t make it you against him, with only one of you getting their way of winning. To be successful, both of you need to be on the same side. But, how do you get on your spouse’s side when he wants to divorce or split up? You agree with them, sort of (at least for now.)

You Can’t “Make” Your Spouse Change Their Mind About Divorcing You, But Changing Your Own Actions Can Help: If you want to stop your spouse from tuning you out or blocking your attempts to save the marriage, you have to stop being a threat. They have to no longer think that their interactions with you are no longer going to end badly, involve manipulation, or elicit negative feelings. So, tell them that things are going to change.

Tell them that you understand their stance and respect it. Concede that you, too, are troubled by the state of your marriage and agree it needs a drastic overhaul, no matter where you are headed. Explain that they, and your marriage, are your highest priority. Reiterate that you want to save the marriage, but you can’t predict the future, and realize that you can only control yourself. As a result, from this day on, you’re only going to act in such a way that strengthens your relationship rather than weakens it. Tell them that, whether a divorce is imminent or not, you want to preserve the positive feelings between you. And, then show them that you mean exactly what you say by making good on this promise.

Show Your Spouse The Person They First Fell In Love With During All Interactions: Once you’ve communicated these changes to your spouse, put these promises into action. Make a list of all of the things your spouse first loved about you when you first met. (List everything, especially things other than looks and chemistry.) Then, make absolutely sure that you are displaying these characteristics during this process.

If your husband was wildly attracted to your sense of humor, make sure that it is on full display. If your wife loved your upbeat attitude, don’t show her the walking wounded right now. You must be absolutely convincing with this, because if you aren’t, it’s going to read as another manipulation, which will only dig you into a deeper hole of mistrust.

Go Very Slowly. Don’t Apply Any Pressure. Just Take It One Step At A Time: If you follow these tips, in a few weeks’ time, the tension should become less and less, and you’ll likely find that you are in a better position. Your spouse may at least be receptive to spending more time with you. If you focus on just creating good feelings and having a light-hearted time, you may find that things are greatly improving. Don’t make the mistake that many people make when they try to move too quickly.

Don’t ask for commitments or reassurance. You don’t want to do anything that would contribute to their blocking you or mistrusting you again. Ultimately, your best-case scenario is to have them wanting to take this forward, not you. So, always let them initiate where they want this to go. To save your marriage long term, you need both spouses on equal footing and both partners equally committed to putting in the time, the effort, and the affection that is going to be necessary for the coming days.

Unfortunately, I almost waited too long to change my actions when I was trying to save my marriage by myself. Making things better took a lot of effort on my part, but it was so worth it. I was eventually able to save the marriage. You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

By: Leslie Cane: A couple of days ago, I spoke with a wife who had been married for well over a decade.  She shared with me that, over the last couple of years, she has felt her husband slipping away.  She told me that her husband ” spends less time at home, doesn’t show me nearly as much affection, makes excuses not to spend time with me, and generally just tunes me out or ignores me.”

She said that when she tried to mention this to him, he became defensive, and this resulted in a big, blowout fight that pushed him further away.  Of course, she’s very frustrated and scared.  She’s afraid that, at best, she’s heading for a loveless marriage and, at worst, she’s headed for divorce.  She asked for my “best advice on saving this broken marriage,” and that is what I offered.  But, I also know that many women feel exactly this same way, and are in very similar situations.  So, this is my response in a nutshell.

Don’t To Make Drastic Changes That Won’t Come Off As Genuine: So many wives in this situation feel that they have to do something drastic to get their husband’s attention.  So, they put on a big, non-typical show of love, affection, and attention, or they offer up ultimatums, get very aggressive, or act in a way that is not usual or becoming of them.

There are two problems with this.  The first is that the husband knows that this is your last-ditch effort, and he usually doesn’t believe you because he knows that you are trying to manipulate him.  Or, your overly aggressive chasing, begging, arguing, or strong-arming only makes you seem more unstable and more undesirable, and pushes your husband further away from you.

There are a few ways that you can avoid this in the future.  The first is to always be very conscious of the message that your actions are sending to your husband.  The aggressive, angry tactic is really saying: “What’s wrong with you? Why are you doing this to me? Who do you think you are to want to change things or to be happy?”  No one wants to hear this message.  I’m sure that you don’t realize this is what your actions are saying, but this is what he is hearing. So in response, your husband is going to block your efforts.

Likewise, the desperate, begging, or overly compensating actions are really saying, “I can’t live without you. I’m not strong or self-sufficient.”  And, these things are very unattractive to men.  So, if you’ve taken either of these tactics, think about abandoning them, because, in my experience and research, they rarely work long term.

The Best Approach To Save Your Marriage. Make It Collaborative:  So, now that I’ve shown you what doesn’t work, I want to share with you what does.  The message that you want to send to your husband, with both your actions and your words, is meant to relieve the tension, put you on the same side, and reaffirm to your husband that he, and your marriage are your highest priority, (although you fully intend to leave your dignity and respect intact.)

So, however you say it, whether with words or with actions, the message you want to send is “I have noticed a distance and I, too, have become disappointed with the course of our marriage. I, too, see that we are no longer as close as we were, and I want to change that.  We both deserve to be happy, and I know, from our past, that we can be very happy together. However, we don’t know what the future holds.  So, no matter where our relationship is going, I want to focus on improving it – even if I don’t get the outcome I want.  I know that this will take more effort, more time, and more attention than we have both been giving.  For my part, I intend to change that.  I know that you may not believe this now, but I think that in time you will see by my actions that I mean it.  You are too important to me to continue on in this way. I know I can’t control your thoughts or feelings, but I can control my own actions, and I intend to.”

Making Good On Your Promises. Don’t Get Complacent. Out With The Old, In With The New: This may sound harsh, but I believe it’s better to know the truth. I interview husbands for my articles, and they basically all tell me the same thing.  They check out of their marriages because they feel their needs haven’t been met (or even noticed) for a long while.  They may have tried to ask for more time or attention, but for whatever reason, they feel they haven’t been heard, so they stop communicating and shut down.  This unfortunate process contributes to them tuning you out because, in their minds, nothing ever changes or improves. Until you show them otherwise, expect that they won’t believe you and that at first, things won’t change overnight.

But, as you begin to make good on your promise that your actions will help rather than hurt your interactions with one another, you’ll likely notice a shift.  Once you start to respect yourself enough to do the things that make you happy and fulfilled, so you have something to give back, and once you begin to stop holding on so tightly to the future and start concentrating on just today, you’ll notice a discernible difference.

Your husband will start to suspect that maybe things can change after all.  Maybe you do mean it.  You’re no longer engaging and arguing.  You’re not trying to get a commitment or have deep discussions.  You’re just focusing on having positive experiences and interactions.  You’re taking it one day at a time.  You’re a lot nicer to be around, and you’re not trying to manipulate him.

Little by little, he’s going to start seeing glimpses of the two people who once loved each other very much. The shadow of the woman he first fell in love with will start to become something he can touch and see.  The negative expectations and experiences will start to give way to positive ones.  He’ll eventually stop blocking you and will start being receptive again.

These things won’t happen overnight. It will take time to rebuild the trust, but the first step is changing course and abandoning what isn’t working.  This may seem risky at first, but it really isn’t.  Sometimes you have to shake things up to get a different outcome. The same old thing hasn’t been working. It’s time to try something new.

Unfortunately, I almost waited too long to change my actions when my husband had checked out of our marriage. Making things better took a lot of effort on my part, but it was so worth it. That story is on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

By: Leslie Cane: I often write articles about saving marriages.  Perhaps it’s because wives research this topic more than men, or perhaps it’s because women are more proactive in their marriages, but I’m most often contacted by wives (and a few husbands, too) who tell me something like: “Our relationship is in real trouble. We might be headed for divorce.  I want to save my marriage, but my spouse doesn’t seem to want to.  When I attempt to, he pushes back. He’s detached himself from me, tunes me out, and seems like he just doesn’t care. I want to fight for my marriage, but when I try, he acts as if I am being combative and trying to fight with him.  I’m not.”  In this article, I will offer you POSITIVE techniques and tips to get your husband’s (or wife’s) cooperation in order to get him on board with saving your marriage.

Be Careful Of How You Communicate Your Marriage Saving Message:  Let’s think about your situation.  When you want to rescue your marriage, if you could put your deep-down thoughts into words, you’d really be saying something like: “I love you and I value our marriage.  I don’t want to lose you.  I’d like for us to work together to come up with a way to change what is happening. I want to feel close to you again.  What’s happening is hurting me deeply.”

But, this is so often not what people actually say with their words or their actions.  They become desperate, argumentative, or defensive. They try to guilt, manipulate, debate with, or strong-arm their partner. Think for just a second about the message your actions have been sending to your husband (or wife).

When I did this exercise myself, I was horrified. Because I would swing from one extreme to the other.  When I was desperate and scared, my actions were saying, “Please, please don’t leave me. I can’t survive without you.  I’m not strong or self-sufficient enough to be alone.” Or I would take the opposite approach and say things or insinuate things like, “You expect too much of me and our marriage. I don’t understand why we can’t get along.” Of course, now, when I am able to see this from a distance, I realize that it was not at all attractive, and it was only pushing my husband further away.

And, when this didn’t work, I’d often move to another tactic that was equally flawed.  I’d become angry and threatening, or just offer up ultimatums. My actions were saying, “Go ahead and go if you’re going to give up so easily. How could you do this to me? Who do you think you are to want better?”

Of course, these actual angry words would have never come out of my mouth, but they may as well have, because my actions were saying them for me.  My husband was hearing these messages even though I wasn’t literally speaking them. Once I realized this, I stopped and from that point on, said what was really in my heart.  The thing is, so often our pride, our fear of failure or rejection, or our defense mechanisms keep us from telling our husbands how we really feel.

Don’t Make The Mistakes That Will Allow Him To Tune You Out: If you’ve been able to identify yourself (even a little) in any of the above examples, know that these things pretty much guarantee that your husband (or wife) eventually learns to tune you out.  After we reconciled, my husband admitted to me that my desperate words used to sound to him like the teacher on Charlie Brown.  Just noise that he wasn’t hearing.  So, how can you reverse this trend so that he really pays attention to you? Stop what you are doing and change course.  Once he sees that you are not coming at him in the same way, he’s likely to let down his defenses a bit, and this is when you have your “in.”

Show Him That You Mean What You Say: This is where many people fail. They are successful in finally changing what their actions are saying; they are able to get the spouses to listen, but then they show them the same old interactions. Instead, show him something that probably isn’t new, but also is something that he misses very much.  I’ve talked with many men (and women) on the verge of divorce in my research. Almost all want the same things.  They want their spouses to appreciate them. They want their wives to show them affection.  They want to feel desirable, intelligent, and worthy.  And, they want to know that you will make the time for them.  They want their wives and husbands to look at them with adoring eyes in the way that she used to when they first met.

We are all so busy today.  We have so many responsibilities that we struggle to fulfill. I understand why things slip because I’m as guilty of it as anyone.  And, it almost cost me my marriage.  I am sure you know this already, but nothing is more important than marriage and family.  Everything else is secondary, really.  So often, we know this, deep down, but our actions say something else.

Just for today, take a look at what your actions are really saying to your husband.  If they are desperate, angry, or contradictory, step back and come at this from an honest, heartfelt angle. I’d be willing to bet you won’t regret it. To me, THIS is how you fight for your marriage – you don’t actually “fight” at all!

Unfortunately, I almost waited too long to change my actions when I called myself “fighting” for my marriage. Thankfully, I did a complete 180-degree turn, and this changed everything so that I could save my marriage with a cooperative husband.  You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

By: Leslie Cane: Here’s fair disclosure right upfront.  I am a big proponent of saving marriages and preventing divorce.  I know firsthand that even problem marriages that seem to be at the end can be saved.  Still, I am often contacted by people who ask me “how do I know it is really the end of my marriage?” or “when is it time for a divorce?” or “how do you know when a marriage has reached the point when it can no longer be saved or is at the point of no return?” My answer to these questions depends on the situation. There is no one answer.  I can say, though with certainty, that in cases of repeated abuse, I typically have no reassuring words.  If one spouse is repeatedly physically harming the other, even after help, one could make the case for a quick retreat.  However, this is almost the only situation in which I worry that there is no hope.  Almost all marriages can be saved.  And, (since you are here) I’d bet you hold a glimmer of hope that this is true for you as well.

Search Your Heart, Not Your History: First off, I have to tell you that the fact that you have taken the initiative to research this decision carefully shows me that you don’t take this lightly and that, perhaps deep down, there is some doubt on your part that this is really the end of the marriage. Typically, if a marriage is really at its healthy end, you aren’t questioning it.  The end is usually so clear that people are typically indifferent at that point and are mostly totally at peace with the decision.

I feel that if the parties are still having strong feelings (even if these feelings are negative – anger, frustration, etc.), this is more indicative that there are still unresolved issues, dashed hopes, and disappointment.  These things indicate to me that there are still feelings there, which, if handled correctly, can be transformed into strong POSITIVE feelings.  Typically, when a marriage is “really over” these strong feelings are no longer there. There’s just numbness instead.

So, no matter how bad things are right now, no matter how frustrated you may be, take a step back for a second.  Ask yourself if you could strip away the stress of the situation, the hurt feelings, the misunderstandings, and the fear of rejection, would you be willing to try to make things better? So many times, our fear of rejection, our pride, our insistence on being right, and our scorekeeping keep us from really going all-in with our open and willing hearts.

This is no time to allow petty feelings to hold you back.  There is no time to have both feet on opposite sides of the fence.  If you are going to save your marriage, or even if you are going to walk away, it is really an either/or situation.  Because if you are on the fence in either situation, then you aren’t really moving forward.

Are You Throwing The Same Old Solutions At The Same Old Problems?: So many times, people will tell me something like, “We’ve tried everything, but we no longer speak or interact in any meaningful way.  It’s always the same old thing.  Nothing ever changes. We’re like strangers, or roommates, or like brother and sister.”

I usually respond by asking what the parties have done to shake things up.  In other words, since things never change and are, as they have described it, stale and frustrating, what different, new, and novel things have they tried to make things better? Sometimes, people will tell me that they’ve tried getaways or counseling, but often they sort of pause and hesitate.

I don’t ask this to place blame or expose any lack of effort.  I just ask this to show people that what they’re doing isn’t working, so it’s time to try something new.  Oftentimes, we put so much pressure on our marriage when we are trying to “save it.”  If our “last chance getaway” doesn’t make us feel like newlyweds, we think that the spark is gone.  If our husbands’ lack of affection makes us feel rejected, we just assume that there is no passion left in our marriage.

Small Efforts Can Yield Big Results: I feel that it’s often better to focus on small, sustainable steps.  First, put the end of the marriage out of your mind and commit to giving yourself a set amount of time to just improve the positive feelings between you.  Because if this is the end of your marriage, don’t you want to end this relationship in such a way that you can still be cordial and positive toward one another?  This is someone you once loved very much (and likely still do).  Don’t they deserve the best that you have to offer?

So, instead of thinking “all or nothing,” just think about having fun or bringing a smile to your face just for today.  Go somewhere together that will be fun and not full of pressure.  No expensive overnight stays that may feel awkward.  Just something that will produce good feelings and will leave you both feeling relieved.  Repeat this process as you can, in ways that don’t place stress on either of you.  One success will lead to another.  Again, no talks of where this is going or how it will end, just thoughts of having fun together and producing mutual affection so that, should it end, it will be on a good note.

I can not tell you how marriages have been given new life or a second chance this way. Instead of asking yourself, “Is this really the end of my marriage?” Consider that the question instead might be, “How can I improve my relationship with this person, no matter where this is going?”

There was a time when my husband was absolutely sure our marriage was at its end. I suspected it wasn’t. Thank goodness I listened to my heart. If I hadn’t, we probably would be divorced. With a bit of effort and trying new things, I was able to save the marriage. You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

By: Leslie Cane: One of the questions I am often asked is, “How do I know if my husband still loves me? Because he never tells me that he loves me anymore. Sometimes, when I tell him that I love him, he changes the subject or doesn’t reply. He never shows me affection.”  While I can’t know your specific situation, this article will offer you some tips to bring love, affection, attention, and the spark back in your marriage again. Because it is my belief that it’s highly unlikely your husband doesn’t love you anymore.  Instead, his life, and therefore your marriage, could use a bit of sprucing up.

Love Between A Husband And Wife Doesn’t Disappear Overnight: When women tell me that their husband is no longer loving, I’ll ask basic questions about how they spend their time together or how the wife expresses affection for her husband, so I can determine the culture of the marriage. Often, there are a few seconds of silence before the wife will say something like, “Well, we’re both really busy,” or “the kids take up a lot of our time,” or “well, he knows I love him.”

I don’t tell you this to place any blame or to make you feel guilty.  We all do this.  Over time, life takes over.  We still love our husbands very much, but we also usually have jobs, kids, aging parents, and homes to care for.  No one can give every single thing their undivided attention. But all of our responsibilities can leave our marriages vulnerable.

Try To See Things From Your Husband’s Perspective: Just for a second, try to see things from your husband’s perspective. I don’t ask this because I think you are to blame.  I don’t – not by a long shot.  A marriage is a job that requires two people, but sometimes, it helps to see your spouse’s perspective.

For just one day, look at yourself, your life, and your marriage through your husband’s eyes.  I will never forget the day that I did this exercise myself.  At the end of the day, I was in tears because what I saw was not pretty.  I was a disheveled, inattentive, scattered, and grouchy woman who treated coworkers and strangers better than I treated my husband.  I was short, I did not maintain eye contact, rarely touched him with genuine affection, and I treated him as though he were another chore to cross off my to-do list.

Then, I contrasted this with the woman my husband first fell in love with  – the one who was always excited to see him, the one whose eyes lit up when he walked into a room, the one who loved to talk to him for hours, the one who spontaneously touched him frequently – whether it was a brush of the cheek, a loving hug, or a massage.  No wonder he had shut down.  The marital life he had expected was nowhere close to the one he was living now.

Now, to be fair, we were having problems at that time, and he was not being Mr. Prince Charming to me either.  I wasn’t getting what I had signed on for either. But this is no excuse.  And, reflecting back his coldness and lack of love toward me was doing nothing to make things or our marriage better.  So, it finally dawned on me that if I were wondering if he loved me anymore (at that time we were on very shaky ground and headed for divorce) that I needed to be very proactive and change the way he was feeling through my own actions.

A Plan To Bring The Love Back In Your Marriage: Any plan that is going to encourage your husband to love you again, or show you more affection and attention, is going to require you to model this behavior yourself.  So, when you say your husband “doesn’t love me anymore,” ask yourself if he might feel the same way?  How often do you show him that you love him?  How many times per day do you listen to him without interrupting? How often do you say “I love you” with words and with actions? Make sure that you are doing everything that you can.  This alone is going to make things much better.  (Now, I don’t mean being fake or putting on a show. Men know the difference.)

Next, take a good look at yourself.  How much are you like the woman he fell in love with? I don’t mean looks, or weight, or age. I mean your laugh, your open heart, your attention, and your enthusiasm.  If he’s shut down, it’s highly likely that you have too.  Open your heart. Get excited about your life and your marriage.  Fill your own well with the things that make you fulfilled and happy.  So many women depend on their husbands to “make them happy.” This is too much pressure to put on a marriage.

Finally, when you and your husband were falling in love, what did you like to do together? How did you spend your time? How much time do you spend doing these things today?  So many couples stop having fun together.  I understand you both may have jobs and responsibilities, but there is more to life than this.  What really matters are those people you love and the fun, engaging experiences that you enjoy together. These are the building blocks of a happy life and a happy marriage.

In truth, it’s probably not that your husband doesn’t love you anymore.  It’s just that there aren’t the gestures, experiences, and situations available for him to really show it.  Do your part and show him the feelings and experiences you both once loved are right around the corner.  And, don’t hesitate because you are keeping score or think you are the only one doing all the work.  You will get out of this marriage what you put into it.  Your husband’s happiness will be reflected back on you, and you’ll be happier (and will feel more loved) as a result.

I wish I had known these things earlier in my own marriage. By the time I suspected my husband didn’t love me anymore, he had already checked out of the marriage, and my response only made things worse. We actually temporarily separated. Fortunately, I was able to change course, return the love and intimacy, and save the marriage. You can read my story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from women who want me to tell them “how to best handle a trial separation.”  These women generally fall into two categories.  There are those who are just thinking and talking about a trial separation and haven’t yet gone through with it (and many times, the wives don’t want it to happen). And then there are also those who have actually begun the process of separating.  In these cases, the husband may be packing his bags or has already moved out.

In any case, the best way to handle the situation is going to be the same no matter which specifics define it. And in almost all the cases, the wives want my advice on how to preserve the marriage through the trial separation.  They want this trial period to save the marriage, not end it, and they are often scared that the separation is really the first step toward splitting up or a divorce.

But, it doesn’t have to be this way.  If you play your cards right, the trial separation can actually be healthy, as it can allow you to miss one another, allow the tension to abate, and shine a light on the fact that many things have been blown way out of proportion.

If He Wants The Trial Separation But Has Not Yet Moved Out: If your husband hasn’t moved out yet, try your best to bring calm to the situation.  Don’t argue with him, debate about whether he is right or wrong, question his motives, or try to make him feel guilty.

Don’t beg him to stay or act needy or unable to cope on your own.  All of these things will only bring up negative feelings and push him further away from you.  Instead, you need to validate what he is saying, even if you don’t agree with him. Approach this from a place of love, look him in the eye, and absolutely agree with him that you’d like to make your marriage better because you want both of you to be happy.  Tell him that you would hope it wouldn’t come to a trial situation, and wonder if just a few days or weeks apart would allow you just as much perspective.

He may flat out reject this, but at least you’ve approached him from a place of acceptance and love.  You have not deteriorated the relationship with your actions, and you must keep right on acting in this way.  It’s highly likely that he will remember your openness, and this will help as you go forward. If you keep creating positive feelings each time you interact, you’re moving forward and not backward.

Don’t feel that you need to solve all of your marriage problems at this time.  Right now, your only concern should be generating positive feelings and allowing this process to cause as few negative feelings as possible. The end goal is to feel much closer to your husband and to return to solid ground.  Once you’re at this place and your marriage is strong enough, you can then work on your problems.

If The Trial Separation Has Already Started And He’s Moved Out: Now, you may think that you are at a serious disadvantage if your husband is not under your same roof, but you don’t have to be.  A trial separation, done the right way, will allow: some easing of the tension; some perspective to occur; for both parties to miss one another; and the time to really (without distraction) evaluate the state of your marriage and what could be done to improve it.  In the best-case scenario, both partners will miss each other and come back to the marriage ready to make positive changes.

Always keep in mind the end goal. You want your husband to miss you and think of you positively when you are apart. He can’t do this if you are constantly calling him, trying to guilt him, or following him around with suspicious accusations.

Encouraging Your Husband To Want To Come Home: When you interact with your husband, you want to remind him of the woman he first fell deeply in love with.  Do not present yourself as the busy, scattered, upset, stressed-out woman he left.  Show him the open, kind-hearted, fun-loving person he once loved very much (but perhaps feared was gone forever.)

Now, I don’t mean being fake about this.  Men can smell insincerity a mile away and usually won’t fall for it. Instead, they will push you away even more. What you want to do is really use this separation to work on yourself and generate your own happiness and self-peace.  This way, when you interact with your husband, you have no problem generating the easy-going woman he fell in love with.

No matter how long the separation drags on, always conduct yourself in a way that makes you easy and pleasurable to be around.  This will likely pique your husband’s interest.  If you get the chance (again without appearing too obvious or manipulative), arrange to meet or run into one another at a place you both used to love spending time together.  What you are trying to do is to introduce the positive feelings that used to be between you in the places that you both remember positively.

Most importantly, always move very slowly.  Don’t press for commitments or demand to see your husband more than he is comfortable with.  You are better off leaving him wanting more.  The atmosphere should be fun and lighthearted.  You want your husband to leave every meeting and transaction feeling happy, so that as time goes on, he starts to miss you very much and wants to retrieve those things that have been rediscovered underneath the same roof.

By: Leslie Cane: I am often approached by women who are at the end of their marital rope.  Usually, in hushed tones, or with pained faces, they confess, “I don’t think my husband loves me anymore.”  Some are afraid that divorce is on the horizon, while some are just sad because the marriage is no longer as close or as intimate as they once remembered or enjoyed.  Some of these women are basing their suspicions on a feeling they have, or a vibe that their husband is giving off.  Some notice that their husbands no longer pay attention to them, flirt with them, or spend as much time with them anymore.  Some of the husbands have hinted or told the wives that they no longer love them, and some of the husbands insist that they do still deeply adore their wives, but their actions are saying something else entirely.

In this article, I will offer tips for wives who fear that their husbands no longer love them, but first, I want to reassure you that I very much doubt your worst fears are true.  I find it highly unlikely that there is no love left.  I’ll tell you why in this article.

The Love Between A Husband And A Wife Is Often Compromised But Not Altogether Lost: The society in which we live is hard on marriage.  Make no mistake about it – our mobile lifestyles, our jobs, our children, our aging parents, and our other close relationships all compete with your spouse for our time and attention.  Contrast this to a time when your love was shiny and new, and there’s no denying that times have changed.  This often means that your relationship changes as well, and this is not always a positive thing.

When people first fall deeply in love, they are overwhelmed with positive feelings that are often the result of the time, attention, and care that the other person offers up to them.  This often results in feelings of intimacy, confidence, and competence.  You feel attractive, alive, cared for, and worthy.  In short, you feel like you belong – and that nothing else matters but you and your loved one.  This is a great place to be, and when you marry, it’s very common to think that you will always feel this way.

So, when the kids come along, and the work commitments begin to bog you down, it’s very easy to become bitterly disappointed.  Although you may not realize it, you mourn what was lost, especially if there is little communication or working together to get it back.  Worse, these wonderful feelings of belonging, of knowing what the other person is thinking or wanting by a simple glance or gesture, are usually lessening as well.

But let’s stop the doom and gloom right now – because it doesn’t have to be this way.  Please understand that this is absolutely reversible.  The bottom line is that, in essence, it’s not that your husband doesn’t love you anymore – it’s that he’s disenchanted with the marriage, because it is no longer producing the powerful feelings that it once did.  Yes, this hurts.  But it’s better to understand this, because you can now fix it.

Getting The Love Of Your Husband Back: Before I go into tips to help you get your husband’s love back, first, I want you to take a hard look at your own actions.  I don’t mean to place any blame here.  Please understand that this is not my intention at all.  I know you’re committed, on board, and that you love your husband, or you wouldn’t have found this article.  But sometimes our feelings don’t mirror our actions.  Ask yourself how similar the woman you are today is to the woman your spouse fell in love with.

I don’t mean looks.  I don’t mean age. I’m not even talking about sex or chemistry.  I’m talking about the woman who looked deeply into his eyes, laughed at his jokes (even the bad ones), cared deeply about his challenges, and cheered all of his accomplishments.  You may not believe me when I say this, but it is true.  Men care more about how you make them feel than about how you look.  They want someone who values them, who “gets” them, and who cares deeply about their happiness and their walk through life.

So, when you want your husband to show you more affection, make absolutely sure that you are doing everything you can to genuinely show him yours.  I don’t mean putting on an act or acting needy or insincere.  I mean giving him a hug when he walks in the door.  I mean really listening to what he is saying and allowing the give and take of conversation about things other than day-to-day life.  I mean doing little things to make his life easier and show him that you care.  I mean showing him that you respect yourself enough to value and seek out your own happiness.

Physical gestures (or a lack thereof) can greatly contribute to the health of your marriage as well. How often do you touch your husband in intimate ways? (Again, not sex, but that’s important too.) I’m talking about back rubs, brushing his arm, putting your arms around his waist, etc.  These things only take a second, and they make a huge difference in feeling close in your marriage.

At this point in the conversation, someone will say, “Well, this sounds good, but we’re past that now. My husband will think I’m up to something if I act this way.”  Or, “we’re not young and naive anymore. ” My answer is always something like “Yes, it may feel strange at first, but if you keep at it, eventually, your husband is not going to complain. He will be happy to have what he loves back. Bit by bit, things will get better and you’ll get more of what you want, too.” This is true.  I promise.  As he feels loved and valued again, he will give this back to you.

Once you’ve concentrated on returning to the person he loves, try to focus a bit on the things and settings that you both used to love.  So often, we let the fun and joy seep from our lives because we feel our responsibilities have to come first. But, what good is the job, the house, or the 401K if you don’t have the love of your life as a happy, equal, and fulfilled partner in all of these things?  In truth, nothing should matter to you as much as your family.  No matter what you perceive as the state of your marriage or as your husband’s love for you (or the lack of it), it can always be changed.  And it is always worth the effort.

I really wish I had known this before my own husband checked out of our marriage. Neglect and misunderstandings (and my own pride) were taking a serious toll. Luckily, I was able to drastically change my thinking and my actions. You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

By: Leslie Cane: Oftentimes, I hear from wives (but sometimes also from husbands or partners) who ask me if I can point out “divorce signs” or behaviors that would indicate that their spouse is thinking about or getting ready to begin or file a divorce.  While this list is going to be different for each couple (as each couple will have a different level of tolerance and commitment), some universal signs can signal that the marriage is headed for real trouble.  I’ll tell you the top three things to look for in this article, as well as offer you tips on how to address and fix these things.

Divorce Sign Number One: You Fight Constantly With No Real Resolution: Every marriage is going to have disagreements and squabbles, but some marriages get to a point where the two people in it are fighting just to fight, to release the considerable tension that has built in the marriage, or just to get attention where it has been seriously lacking.

Worse, when your marriage is really in trouble, often the arguments and fights never get resolved.  The issue keeps right on cropping up over and over again because you’re never really addressing and fixing the underlying issues.  And, typically, each time you fight, the harsh negative feelings and the damage to your marriage continue to escalate until both parties begin to become conditioned to the fact that nothing ever really changes.

So, when the negative feelings start to crop up, both parties are thinking “Great – here we go again,” as both people retreat into themselves, build walls around themselves, and brace themselves for more of the same.  Nothing positive is happening or is the result.  This vicious cycle just keeps repeating itself until it’s completely destroyed your marriage.

Healthy marriages can withstand some fighting.  The difference, though, is that healthy marriages often use disagreements to come together, work out problems, and compromise.  If an issue is dealt with correctly, it never has to come up again, because both parties are satisfied with the resolution that they’ve come to with their partner.

Divorce Sign Number Two: Feelings Of Closeness And Intimacy Are Less Or On Their Way Out: Probably the biggest divorce signal that people notice in themselves is that a distance starts to develop in the marriage.  They will notice fewer spontaneous affectionate gestures (hand-holding, hugs, brushing of arms, intimate glances, flirting, etc.), and this may be reflected in the bedroom.  The marriage can start to feel like a relationship between a brother or sister or a roommate rather than one between a husband or a wife.

And, you may start to notice that your husband or wife spends less time at home, works late more often, goes out with friends a bit more, or, even if they are home, they’ve really checked out and are keeping to themselves or doing things that don’t include you.  One real tip-off for me was that, when my husband and I were first married, even if he had to run errands or quickly go to the store, he would always ask or assume that I was coming too.  When he started taking his trips to Home Depot alone, warning bells started to ring in my head. Unfortunately for me, I ignored them.  And we ended up separated.  I almost blew it, but was able to regroup. That story is here.)

You’ll also notice this when you are together. An example is a scenario like this: Finally, you have a night out without the kids or work, and you’re sitting across the table from one another and find that you have nothing to talk about.  You hear crickets. The atmosphere is awkward instead of intimate and easy.

Divorce Sign Number Three: Love, Affection, And Empathy Are Replaced With Annoyance, Negative Feelings, And (At The Very End) Indifference: Often when people whose marriages are in trouble ask for my advice, I ask them to make a list of the things that they love about their husband or wife. Often, they will pause and say something like “Wow, that’s tough for me right now, because every little thing that he/she does annoys me right now.”  I’ll often hear things like “it irks me just to look at him,” or “his little habits really annoy me.”

Often, what happens when your marriage is in real trouble is that the things that he used to find endearing will start to wear on you.  For example, maybe you used to love the fact that your husband was a laid-back, go-with-the-flow kind of guy, but right now, his inability to take action makes you crazy.

Believe it or not, I often tell people this is a good sign.  Why? Because you are still having strong feelings (even though they are negative right now) about your spouse.  If you didn’t care at all, you wouldn’t be reading this article.  I would worry more if you were indifferent.

What To Do If Any Of These Signs Apply To Your Marriage:  If you’ve seen yourself or your marriage in any of these scenarios, I want you to take action as soon as you can.  Just hoping everything will work out or letting these things run their course is the worst thing that you can do.  Neglect is a marriage killer. Don’t turn a blind eye to the warning signs that are right in front of you.

Instead, I want you to lay these cards right on the table.  I want you to go to your husband/wife, sit them down, and tell them that you’ve noticed a distance brewing in your marriage and it hurts you because you love them and you value your marriage more than anything. Ask them how they are feeling and if they can offer you any guidance on what you can do to make things better.  They may be a little hesitant at first because they’re used to the same old destructive habits, but keep at it, and over time, they will see that you are sincere.

When Is It Too Late? What If You Are Sure The Divorce Is Going To Happen?: At this point, I often have people say “Gosh, if I had only talked to you a few months ago.  I’d love to try this, but it’s too late for me.  My husband and I can no longer even stand to be in the same room together,” or “my husband would never buy this,” etc.

I believe that these folks believe what they say, but I don’t buy it.  Because if you’ve taken the time to research how to make your marriage better and prevent it from ending, then you have to take the initiative to go in and save it.  Yes, it will take some work and time, and you may have to move slowly at first.  But there was a time when the two of you loved each other very much and were very happy.  I know you want to get back there, or you wouldn’t still be reading.  So, gather yourself, and take some constructive action.  I promise you will be glad you did. Because if you keep going at the rate you are without trying positive changes,  you are going to get more of the same. And you both deserve better.

Unfortunately for me, I ignored a lot of these signs until it was almost too late. Luckily, over time, I did change tactics and save my marriage. You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/