3 Big Warning Signs Your Husband is Planning to Leave You Or File For Divorce

By: Leslie Cane: I often write about saving or rescuing marriages in trouble, so sometimes I’m asked to provide the warning signs for wives who suspect that their husband is planning on leaving or filing for divorce. Of course, the warning signs will be slightly different for every couple, but I’ve found that there are many common or universal signs, which I will discuss below. However, I would also like to stress that if you feel that something is “off” (enough so that you’ve taken the time to research this), then I would suggest that you trust your instincts, as it’s better to take preventative measures than to sit and wait for the shoe to drop because by then a lot of damage could already be done and you’ll likely have a lot of ground to make up.

Warning Sign Number One: Awkward Silences And Tense Interactions: Probably the first tip-off that something is amiss is just that feeling that something is “off” which precedes a lack of intimacy. Perhaps before you and your husband could talk for hours nonstop, but now you’re finding silence when you are together. And it’s not the “comfortable silence” where you’re just relaxing and picking up each other’s thoughts. No, it’s the awkward silence where someone should say something, but no one knows what to say. Many couples will attempt to fill these lapses with meaningless small talk. Alternatively, you may find that although you’re not fiercely fighting and then making up, things are just tense and supercharged.

Often in these situations, I hear women say things like: “It’s like I can do nothing right. If I’m loving, he rejects me. If I stand back and wait for him to initiate affection, then I’m waiting forever, because he doesn’t do it. It’s like I may as well not even be there.” Another example is “we’ve become roommates or like brother and sister. We talk about the kids or our jobs, but nothing else.”

The Spark Is Gone: It’s probably overreaching to say that everything in a marriage revolves around sex. Sex is really just a symptom or a by-product of intimacy and closeness. Couples who share a close bond in a harmonious home find that this “being in sync” often comes out through physical affection, which in turn fuels the closeness and intimacy. It’s a nice cycle that continues to perpetuate the positive feelings and interactions. This is what we all strive for, because when a couple is “in love,” both parties are seeing the marriage through rose-colored glasses so that when issues or problems emerge, they are dealt with and fixed quickly. If you are not in the place, you need to get there, because husbands who feel a close bond with their wives rarely plan to leave as they are too busy experiences positive feelings and closeness, and they have no desire to change this.

He’s Distant, Detached, Closed Off, And Doesn’t Want To Discuss Your Marriage: Often, when women ask me for “signs that my husband is going to leave me,” I ask them if they have confronted their husband about his intentions. Most times, they will tell me that the husband refuses to discuss what’s going on. Husbands who are seriously considering leaving often close themselves off to their wives and their marriages. They just don’t want to talk about it anymore because, in their minds, they think things can not and will not change and they are essentially done thinking or talking about this anymore.  Many also hesitate to say anything because they don’t want their wives to try to talk them out of leaving.

What To Do If You Think Your Husband Is Going To Leave Or Is Planning To Divorce You: I realize that most husbands don’t want to talk about their feelings or intentions in this situation, but that doesn’t mean that YOU can’t do the talking. However, before I tell you what to say, I want to really stress to you that you want to be brief and matter-of-fact. It is so important that you don’t show any signs of desperation, aggression, or negative emotions. You’re about to turn the tables, but you have to have your game face on to do it.

The whole idea here is to move away from the person who is on the opposite side and who is eliciting negative or indifferent emotions. Many people instinctively know this, but they go about “getting a reaction” the wrong way. They try to convince, argue, or guilt. This only brings about more negativity that husbands just want to escape from that much more. So, what’s the better way?

Choose a calm time when neither of you is rushed. Simply state that you’ve noticed a distance in the marriage that bothers you. Ask your husband if he might share with you what he needs to make the situation better. If he brushes you off, don’t react negatively. Just state that your marriage is the most important thing to you, and your husband is the most important person in your life. Therefore, although you can’t predict the future and you don’t know his intentions, you’d still like to improve your relationship, no matter what ultimately happens. State that you intend to only act in a way that will improve the relationship and proceed to do just that. It doesn’t matter how he responds or whether he believes you or not. Because, in the coming days, whether he leaves or not, every interaction that you have with him is going to at least not end on a negative note.

Please don’t misunderstand. I’m not asking you to agree with everything he says. Not at all. What I am saying is that you are either contributing positive or negative things to your relationship. As such, you are choosing the high road. Eventually, the idea is that your husband will follow this lead. Once you show him the attention, understanding, and time that he is really wanting, he will likely begin to model this same behavior.

At the end of the day, both husband and wife want the same things in their marriages. They want to feel loved, valued, understood, and appreciated. By modeling the behavior that ensures your husband feels these things, you are beginning to turn the negative emotions and interactions into positive ones. And, this is what is going to ultimately turn this situation around.

Honestly, I saw many of these signs right before my husband left, but I tried to convince myself I had nothing to worry about. I was wrong.  I ended up in a long, painful separation.  Things continued on in this way until I finally decided to change the way I approached my husband, my marriage, and my reconciliation. This shift changed everything. You  can read more at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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My Husband Says He Wants a Divorce – Can I Still Save Our Marriage By Myself? Yes, If You Understand This Universal Need.

By: Leslie Cane: I wish I could say that couples facing marital problems always come together, equally committed to fixing what’s broken. But in my experience, that’s rarely how it works. I often hear from wives whose husbands have already decided they want a divorce—while the wives are still clinging to hope, desperate to save the marriage but unsure whether it’s even possible to do so alone.

Here’s the truth: it is possible to save your marriage even when you’re the only one trying. I know because I’ve done it. But I won’t pretend it’s easy. It takes extra patience, self-awareness, and effort when you’re carrying most of the emotional weight. I’m not saying this to discourage you—just the opposite. I see too many people give up too soon, not realizing how much power they do have to influence the outcome.

Marriage is worth fighting for. And unless there’s abuse involved, I believe nearly any marriage can be saved with the right mindset and approach. In this article, I’ll share what that looks like—and how to get started.

No Matter What the Problems Are, They All Come Back to One Thing

When people reach out to me, they often want to explain everything that’s gone wrong—money issues, stress, infidelity, communication breakdowns, intimacy problems. These are real challenges, but they’re often just symptoms of a deeper issue.

At the root of almost every broken marriage is a lack of emotional connection. One or both people no longer feel truly loved, seen, heard, or valued.

Once you understand this, you can start to respond differently. Think about it: the husband who’s furious about finances? Deep down, he may be terrified he’s failing or that he’ll never be “enough.” The man who seems cold and distant? He may be guarding himself after years of feeling misunderstood or unwanted. The husband constantly complaining about sex? He likely craves emotional closeness and validation—but doesn’t know how to ask for it.

We all carry unmet needs and past hurts, even if we’re unaware of them. And when someone feels consistently unloved or unheard, they often shut down or lash out—because it’s the only way they know to protect themselves.

The real turning point comes when you’re able to see past the surface frustration and recognize the emotional wound underneath. That’s when you can start to rebuild trust and intimacy, step by step.

But Why Do I Have to Do All the Work?

This is a question I hear all the time—and I get it. It feels unfair. Many women tell me, “Why am I the one doing all the emotional heavy lifting? Why does he get to check out, while I’m fighting for us?”

The truth is, it’s incredibly frustrating to feel like you’re giving more than you’re getting. But right now, your greatest power lies in controlling what you can—your own mindset, your own behavior, your own growth.

Yes, you want and deserve to feel valued and understood too. And if your husband eventually starts to feel emotionally safe and seen again, it’s very likely he will begin to offer you those things again—just like he did when you first fell in love. When people feel loved and appreciated, they naturally want to reciprocate. It becomes a positive cycle.

But that shift has to start somewhere—and right now, you’re in the best position to lead the way. This isn’t about giving in. It’s about getting smart.

People who manage to save their marriages on their own understand that now is not the time for blame, resentment, or scorekeeping. That comes later—if at all. Right now, it’s about getting back to the emotional core of your relationship and laying a new foundation.

Focus on Rebuilding the Emotional Bond First

At the end of the day, most divorces happen not because of one dramatic event, but because of a slow erosion of closeness. A loss of warmth. A breakdown of emotional intimacy.

So before you worry about how to “fix” everything, focus instead on rebuilding connection. Start by asking yourself:

  • How can I make my husband feel seen and valued again?

  • When was the last time he felt I truly “got” him?

  • How can I be the safe, calm space that invites him to lean in—rather than shut down?

It’s not about pretending nothing’s wrong. It’s about shifting the dynamic just enough that it opens the door for something new.

I Made These Mistakes Myself—Until I Learned a Better Way

When my own husband told me he wanted a divorce, I panicked. I cried. I begged. I tried everything I could think of to change his mind—and most of it backfired. What I didn’t realize at the time was that I was only pushing him further away by reacting out of fear.

It wasn’t until I stopped reacting and started understanding that things finally began to shift. I changed how I showed up. I stopped trying to fix or control. I focused on connection instead of confrontation.

That’s when everything changed. You can read the full story here: http://isavedmymarriage.com

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Do Most Separations in a Marriage End in Divorce? Tips to Ensure That Yours Doesn’t And Isn’t A Statistic

By: Leslie Cane: Lately, I’ve been hearing from so many wives whose husbands have asked for a separation. Their biggest fear? That once he walks out the door, the marriage is over for good. And while that’s an understandable fear, it’s not necessarily the truth—especially if you know how to respond calmly and strategically.

It’s easy to assume separation automatically leads to divorce, but that doesn’t have to be your story. Time apart can sometimes stop a downward spiral and create the space both partners need to reflect, reset, and even rediscover what they value about each other. If your goal is to save your marriage—even if your husband is asking for distance—there are things you can do right now to shift the odds in your favor.

If Your Husband Hasn’t Left Yet: Can You Delay the Separation?

If he’s talking about leaving but hasn’t packed his bags, see if he’d be open to a “pause” rather than a physical separation. You might say something like:

“I get that we both need space, and I agree things haven’t been working. But maybe we can each take a step back while staying under the same roof, just to see where we both stand in a few weeks.”

The key here is to agree with him that the current situation isn’t ideal—and to show that you want the best for both of you, even if it’s not exactly what you want deep down. If he agrees to this, don’t try to change his mind. Instead, shift your energy to keeping things light, respectful, and emotionally neutral.

When a relationship is strained, pulling back—not pushing forward—is often what allows healing to begin. That means no guilt trips, no emotional pressure, and no big conversations (yet).

Instead, focus on becoming the calm, confident version of yourself he was once drawn to. Show him you’re capable of living your life—even with distance between you.

What Does Giving Space Look Like?

This doesn’t mean ignoring him or pretending you’re fine. It means protecting your own energy while respecting his. Go for a walk. Catch up with friends. Pick up a hobby. Create a life that you enjoy, whether or not he’s participating in it right now.

And no—this isn’t about making him jealous. It’s about reminding both of you that you’re still the self-sufficient, interesting woman he first fell for. A woman who wants to save her marriage, yes—but not by begging or chasing.

Confidence and calm are magnetic. Men often respond to space by becoming curious—and then re-engaging.

If He’s Already Moved Out: You Still Have Options

Even if the separation is already in motion, you can still shift the dynamic. Your approach is the same: focus on being positive, balanced, and resilient. He doesn’t need to see you every day to notice the change. Sometimes, updates filter through mutual friends. Sometimes, you run into him unexpectedly or have a valid reason to see him briefly.

When you do, keep it upbeat and pleasant. Avoid serious talks or emotional breakdowns. Let your presence speak for itself. You want him to feel what he’s missing without needing to be told.

Don’t Rush the Process (Even If You’re Hurting)

I know this takes strength. And I know it’s tempting to talk it all out the second he starts showing signs of interest again. But don’t jump the gun. If he starts reaching out, that’s a good sign—but resist the urge to “fix everything” right away. Don’t force emotional conversations or push for clarity.

Right now, your goal isn’t to solve every problem. It’s to re-establish connection and safety. You’re laying the groundwork. Once trust, interest, and consistency return—and he’s back under the same roof—you’ll have more room for the deeper work that will truly repair the marriage.

When my own husband asked for a separation, I panicked. I begged. I cried. I tried to fix it all overnight—and I only made things worse. It wasn’t until I stepped back, got quiet, and focused on showing up as the best version of myself that things slowly began to change.

It wasn’t fast or easy. But it worked. You can read the full story here: http://isavedmymarriage.com

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Desperate to Save Your Marriage? These Tips and Advice May Help

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes speak with folks who tell me that they are “desperate to save the marriage,” but also feel like they are running out of time and options. Often, by the time they contact me, they’ve already tried numerous tactics, made numerous promises, and initiated numerous changes that have somehow still left them where they are right now – struggling to hold on to their husbands and their marriages before a divorce actually takes place. The definitive answer on how to save the marriage will be different for each couple, but I believe there are some universal tips that can help greatly in most situations, so let’s get started.

Even Though You May Well Be Very Desperate To Save Your Marriage, Be Careful Not To Show It: Before we get started, I’d like very much for you to think about something. Let’s say the roles were reversed and you were the one who wanted out of the marriage, but your husband was doing everything in his power to stop this. Let’s pretend that you were patient and understanding about this for a while, but he kept right on with the badgering, the begging, the desperation, and the arguments or debates meant to strong-arm you into changing your mind or to keep you from getting what you really want. How would you react to him? Would he appear attractive to you this way? Would you want to spend more time with him, or less?

Now, I can’t read your mind, but most people are quite turned off by this behavior, and the natural inclination is to want to get away from the person and to dig in even harder. I tell you this not to indicate you have a lost cause on your hands (you don’t), but to caution you on how husbands often read desperate behavior. They want to get away as soon as they possibly can, and they vow to be less available to you in the future. (My husband eventually completely avoided me when I acted desperately.)

So, the moral of the story is that although I completely understand why you are feeling desperate, it’s important to understand that allowing these feelings to drive you doesn’t do any good whatsoever. In fact, they are more likely to drive your husband further away.

A Better Way To Get Your Husband’s Attention: Most women who are desperate to save their marriages make the mistake of pulling out all of the stops and the drama, all in an attempt to get their husband’s attention so that he will listen to them. That’s all they want. Just for him to sit down and hear what they have to say. Because you can’t save a marriage if you don’t eventually return to communication.

But first, you’re going to have to change your message. Why? Because he’s learned to block out everything you are saying right now. He no longer wants to hear why things can change, how much you want to stay married, and how you’ll make him happy if he just gives you the chance. He’s heard this all before and has decided to reject it. No, this isn’t fair, but it’s the reality of the situation, and you can change it. But first, you need to disarm him by changing the message.

The next time the subject of the marriage comes up, calmly tell your husband that you agree with him that the marriage is in real trouble and needs real improvement. But, unlike the countless times before, you aren’t going to promise how you are going to turn it around or how the two of you can “work” on it (men hate to hear the word “work.”)

Instead, tell him that the tension between you hurts you because he is the most important person in your life, and you promised to make him happy. Make clear that you don’t know how things will turn out between you, but you’re no longer going to be swimming upstream or fighting your husband on this. Tell him that for your part, you vow to act in such a way that is going to improve your interactions rather than allowing them to continue to deteriorate.

Your husband, in all likelihood, isn’t going to believe this for a second. He is going to think it’s all another ploy. So, you have to do exactly what you said. Your role here is the wife who wants to save her marriage but who hears what her husband is saying loud and clear. So, she’s going to make the best of the situation with dignity and grace. She’s not going to engage or argue. She respects his need to be happy as well as her own. She’s going to respect herself enough to go out with friends, take care of her own needs, and participate in activities that make her happy.

What are you really doing here? A couple of things. Getting out and about will make you feel better and will make you appear less desperate and more attractive. After a while, your husband is going to wonder about this and will probably want to know a bit more. When he does, you need to keep it up. What you want him to see is the fun, lighthearted, self-sufficient woman he first fell in love with. And, you want to present yourself as the calm, rational, loving woman who is in control, but who respects her husband’s need to be happy.

Putting It Together: So, what have we done? Well, at the end of the day, our best-case scenario is a husband who notices that his wife has done a complete 380 without him having to do a thing. Suddenly, he has his vibrant, loving, self-reliant wife back, who values his happiness and respects herself. And, this combination is going to be hard to resist. Because suddenly the woman he fell in love with is standing right in front of him. And she’s not desperate. She isn’t trying to change his mind. She just presenting the most stable, loving, competent version of herself. And it’s highly likely this is the version he wanted all along, but feared was gone forever.

When I was desperate to save my marriage, I made many of the mistakes I discussed in this article based on fear. I stalked, begged, threatened, and generally carried on. Not surprisingly, these things backfired. Thankfully, I finally came to my senses and was able to save my marriage. That story is at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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Husband Wants Out? Advice and Tips to Save Your Marriage When You’re the Only One Trying By Nurturing The Seed Of Curiosity

Because this is the topic that I most often write about, I am sometimes approached by women who are absolutely panicked, thinking that their husband’s request for a break, separation, or divorce marks the end of the road.  Typically, I’m contacted after the wives have already tried a slew of tactics based on fear and desperation.  Unfortunately, husbands easily see right through these methods and resist even more.

So now, left with no remaining tricks up their sleeves, the wives are left with the choice of waving the white flag of surrender or readying themselves for round two of the match wherein you desperately try to change your husband’s mind.  I’m sad even writing this, because I have been in this place, as have so many others.  And, while marriages do and should end for some couples, it is my very firm belief that a good number of marriages can absolutely be saved if the right tactics are used to get both parties on the same page and listening and communicating again. So, in this article, I’ll tell you some things that you can use in the first steps of saving your marriage – even if you are the only one who wants to, and even if your husband has made clear he wants out.

Being On Opposite Sides From Your Husband Is A Losing Game When You’re Trying To Save Your Marriage:  I’d be willing to bet that, right about now, you’re trying to come up with the perfect words to say and the perfect things to do to at least get a pause in this interaction so that somehow, someway, you can get your husband to sit down and really listen to you.

There are a couple of reasons he’s not listening to you.  First, he doesn’t like your message.  He’s made up his mind about wanting out and he doesn’t want you to come and try to change his perceptions.  Second, it’s extremely likely that he believes that nothing is really going to change no matter what, so all of this talking and debate is a waste of time.

To that end, you obviously need to be able to get around both of these issues.  Somehow, someway, he needs to become secure that you aren’t going to try to change his mind or debate with him why he is wrong.  You do that by conceding defeat and jumping on his side.  (I know this sounds horrible, but it’s only part of the strategy.  “Conceding defeat” is really just a way to get his guard down for once so you will have a little more cooperation.)

So, you basically need to tell him that you understand he wants out and realize that he’s an adult who makes his own decisions and there is nothing you can do to stop him.  Tell him that he is the most important person in your life, so you’d like to part as friends.  Promise that you’ll no longer engage in negative behaviors that are going to keep this from happening. (I know this sounds scary, but it’s only step one.)

He isn’t likely to believe this at first, but as soon as you repeatedly stop engaging with him, he will begin to wonder just what on earth is going on.  That’s when the seed has been planted – the one that you will nurture throughout this entire process.  That seed of curiosity is what’s going to keep him around (or at least keep his eyes and ears on you from a distance.)

Nurturing The Seed Of Curiosity To Save Your Marriage: I realize that I’ve asked you to do a 360-degree turn, but this is less scary than it may seem. When all of the noise, arguing, and engaging stops, what’s left is silence that feels somewhat strange.  It will usually tempt a husband’s curiosity until suddenly, he’s the one who is making the effort to find out just what’s going on.

At this point, you have to keep moving forward with the program.  You go out and meet with friends.  You keep yourself busy.  You change your appearance if this is something that appeals to you.  You do whatever is necessary for you to appear to be the  alluring, easy-going woman your husband first fell in love with.  Your goal should always be to appear that although you love your husband and really want to save the marriage, you respect your husband’s wishes and you respect yourself enough to not mope around and let this beat you.

Now, I’m not talking about playing dating games to get your husband jealous or doing anything that would elicit more problems.  I’m just talking about having lighthearted fun with friends and making time for the things that make you happy.  Your husband will find out about it, and he will probably want to learn more.  And, this is where hopefully the tide turns, but, whatever you do, don’t move too early or push too hard.

Holding Off To Play This To Its Full Advantage:  I see many wives do so beautifully with these first few steps only to mess it up big time here.  If you’ve managed to jump on your husband’s side, lessen the tension, and even find that your husband’s curious about this new you, pat yourself on the back and know that you’re on the right track, but you are absolutely not home free.

This is usually the point where wives make the grave error of trying to push for reconciliation or reassurances that the husband needs to make on his own.  Don’t ever jump the gun and be the one to pursue the resolution of this conflict.  Your husband must do that.  It’s so important that the balance of power is restored here.  Because if he is always the one who isn’t really into it, while you are always the desperate one, your marriage will never be on firm footing.  You both need to be equally on board, which is why you should hang back and not push.

I know that you will feel sometimes like it’s absolutely necessary to talk about your problems and ask for reassurances, but don’t do this either, at least in the early stages.  At first, it’s best to keep things lighthearted, so that you’re working on restoring affection and commitment.  Once this is firmly in place and the marriage is back on solid ground, then you can start with the deep discussions, but if you move too soon, you could well push your husband further away.

When my husband wanted out (but I definitely didn’t), I made many of the mistakes I discussed in this article based on fear. I stalked, begged, threatened, tried to overcompensate, and acted very badly. These things backfired spectacularly. Thankfully, I started trying the more “scary” options discussed here and they eventually worked. You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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He Wants a Divorce But You Don’t? Try These Strategies To Ease Your Way Into Saving Your Marriage

By: Leslie Cane: I can empathize with many of the emails from visitors who ask for advice on how to proceed when their husband wants a divorce, but they want to save their marriage.  I was in the same situation a few years ago.  This is a very tough spot to be in because you feel as if your back is against the wall and your time is quickly slipping away.  In my case, this sense of urgency to save my marriage before the divorce moved forward propelled me to act in ways that were very desperate and unbecoming and not at all typical of me.  With distance and a happy ending now on my side, I can now see that these acts drove my husband further away and only made my tasks harder.  But at the time, it was so easy to want to get his attention and time at all costs – even if what I ultimately got was negative attention that was doing me no good.  So, in this article, I’ll explain what ultimately worked and what I strongly feel is the only real and right way to save your marriage in the face of divorce.

How Do You Get Your Husband’s Attention And Get Him To Listen To You?: In my experience, the biggest hurdle that you face when you are the only one who wants to save your marriage is a mind that is already made up and ears that are closed.  It’s very tempting to stoop to very low levels to get his attention at all costs.  You make scary threats.  You make a pest of yourself.  You engage him or beg him or follow him around.  Or, you go to the other extreme and try to be overly accommodating and overly affectionate which he only reads as “needy.” In truth, as “right” or as immediate as these things feel when you are doing them, they only make him motivated to rid himself of you sooner.

In my experience, there is a much better way.  But, fair warning, at the time, it will feel wrong and risky.  However, it’s the only sensible and effective move that you can make.  Think about it.  You have to have an “in” that he won’t read as meant to change his mind.  Because if he thinks you are, he’s not going to listen.

And, you need to approach this as the loving, reasonable, and stable woman who promised to value and respect his happiness.  So, when you’re going around flying off the handle and trying to convince him that he’s wrong, what he’s really seeing is someone who wants to keep him from getting what he wants, someone who’s insinuating that he doesn’t have the right to be happy, or that he should bury his own needs and wants.  You don’t want to present yourself this way.

Instead, you want to show that you are stable, calm, and reasonable.  So, you jump ship and present yourself as someone who wants to help him get what he wants.  You want to be on his side.  You want to be his partner rather than his adversary.  So, sit him down and tell him that although this divorce talk breaks your heart because you love him more than anyone in this world, you ultimately want him to be happy and you realize that your actions were, in the past, preventing this.  Vow that you will no longer act in a way that continues to drive a wedge between you.  Tell him that no matter what happens between you, you want to remain on good, close terms because he’s too important to you to part any other way.  This may sound or feel like you are giving in, but you really aren’t.  You’re just buying yourself time and gaining yourself access to your husband.  Because once he no longer sees you as a threat, he’ll stop blocking you.

Force Yourself To Do Exactly What You Promised And Move Very Slowly: Many women make the mistake of not following through with this.  What often happens is that you find that the tension starts to lessen and your husband is no longer running from you and it feels much better, so you then start to push a little too hard and your husband thinks “man, I knew she was playing games,” and you’re back to less than square one.

Move more slowly than you probably want to. Once he’s at least receptive to you, let him be the one who is driving the bus.  The whole idea of this is to show him the woman he first fell in love with so that he slowly wants to spend more time with you, but finds that you’re vibrant, busy, and not sitting around in a desperate state.

I know that you may not feel like that woman right now, but you have to resist the urge to give in to this because when your husband first fell in love with you, you were likely very upbeat, light-hearted, and open.  You want to show him that you can still genuinely be this woman.  It’s important that you go out, have fun, and do what makes you happy – and it’s important that your husband knows you are doing this, although you don’t want to be overtly obvious about telling him.

This can be hard, but it’s the only thing that will put you back on equal footing.  You will always be at a disadvantage if you’re always the only one who wants to move forward. The best scenario is that you slowly build up a reciprocal relationship, where you’re both wanting to see more of one another – in a playful, fun way.

Don’t try to have deep or difficult situations until you’ve been back on solid marital ground for quite a while. Moving too early in any way can backfire.

When my husband was thinking about a divorce or separation (but I definitely wasn’t), I made many of the mistakes I discussed in this article based on fear. I stalked, begged, threatened, tried to overcompensate, and acted very badly. These things backfired. Thankfully, I was able to change course using the tactics discussed here and save the marriage. You can read that story at http://isavedmymarriage.com

 

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Husband Wants Out of the Marriage? Advice For Anxious Wives On How To React When He Suddenly Wants Space, A Break, Separation, Or Divorce.

By: Leslie Cane: Probably one of the most common requests that I get is a request for advice when a husband “wants out” of the marriage. Now, these emails run the gauntlet. Sometimes, the husband hasn’t really said anything, but has hinted around, or is acting in such a way that the wife has a pretty strong feeling or intuition that he has checked out of the marriage. Sometimes, the husband has said or hinted that he is no longer “in love” with the wife and thinks that the marriage is over. And, a few women write and indicate that their husband has actually seen a lawyer, or filed for divorce, or has packed his bags and left the home. The advice that I give will depend upon the situation you’re in, but there are some tips that I can offer that can help you save your marriage, no matter which of these situations you are in.

Do You Know (Or Can You Pinpoint) Why Your Husband Wants Out?: Husbands can be very bad at communicating what they are feeling or what they really want. Often, they’ll give you vague or incomplete reasons for their checking out that really don’t tell you what you need to know. They’ll say things like “I’m just not happy,” or “I just don’t want to be married,” or “I just think it’s better this way.” These evasive answers don’t do anything to help you save your marriage, so you’ll need to dig deeper.

And sometimes, a stressful or crisis situation seems to be the reason for the split (money problems, infidelity, stress, etc.), but although these things can push your marriage over a cliff, you were likely already headed down a vulnerable path, with the situation just being the fatal blow or push. So, again, you’ll need to go further.

Ask For Specifics To Help You Formulate A Plan, But Know When To Stop: I always suggest that you choose a calm time when neither of you is angry or rushed. Lay everything out on the table, but don’t be combative or argumentative. Tell your husband that you agree that there are real problems and a real distance in your marriage. Tell him that you agree that drastic measures are needed. Ask your husband if he can share with you exactly why he’s so troubled by your marriage. If he refuses (or if you’re just getting more vague statements), start patiently giving him some prompts. Examples are: “Do you not feel as close as we once were?” or “Are you not committed to the marriage anymore?”

If your husband begins getting defensive or is becoming agitated, stop. The purpose of this is really to try to get real answers and to observe your husband’s verbal and nonverbal language to gauge his emotional state. Is he angry, sad, defeated, detached, or determined? The answer to these questions will give you insight into how to approach your husband from this point on. Obviously, you’ll need to respond differently if your husband is angry rather than sad.

How To React If Your Husband Wants Out But You Don’t Want To Let Him Go (Learn To Pause When Needed): Most people who write me (and most wives who are reading this article) want to save their marriages and want to change their husband’s mind. But, please understand that the things which many of us try (because we want to turn this situation around quickly), backfire. It’s important that you always pause before you act and evaluate if what you are about to do or say is going to help or hurt your marriage and the way that your husband sees you. This means that you don’t engage, you don’t argue in a negative way, you don’t make threats, you don’t beg, and you don’t behave in any way that is going to make you appear out of control or unattractive. (I did all of these things, unfortunately.)

Because I have a strong suspicion that what and who your husband wants to see right now is the woman that he first fell in love with. And, she likely respected your husband’s intelligence and wishes enough not to pull anything underhanded. Always conduct yourself as the best version of yourself. Show your husband that the woman he once loved very much is still right in front of him.

Putting The Right Person Forward: This may sound counterintuitive, but you want to present yourself as someone who loves her husband more than anything in the world but who respects herself enough to keep busy and retain her self-respect.

The worst situation that you can possibly be in is to be the one who wants to save the marriage, but who is in a second-class citizen position. It’s very hard to respect and want someone who doesn’t respect and love themselves. So, as hard as it may seem at first, show your husband that you aren’t hanging on his every word and every move. Make it very clear that you want to improve your relationship because you value it over all else, but also show a woman who is busy, vibrant, self-respecting, and attractive. See your friends. Go to the gym. Take up old hobbies. All of these things will reaffirm you as someone interesting rather than desperate and undesirable.

This step is also very important because it keeps your husband from dodging you. If he knows you aren’t pulling out all of the desperate stops, there’s no need for him to avoid you.

What If You Think It’s Too Late To Save Your Marriage? (Hint, It’s Probably Not): Often, women will tell me, “well I wish I had known this before, because it’s too late now. My husband won’t see me / take my calls, etc.” Although I concede that you’ll likely need to move more slowly and take smaller victories at first, it’s by no means hopeless. You will simply have a bit more patience, but you will get there in the same way.

My husband wanted out so badly that he left our home.  Needless to say, I panicked. I made many of the mistakes discussed in this article. It didn’t go well.  Until I changed tactics.  You can read that story at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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When One Spouse Wants Out of a Marriage But The Other Wants To Save It: Tactics For Meeting In The Middle

By: Leslie Cane: I wish I could say that all of the readers who find my blog are on the same page with their spouses, but they’re not.  The most common scenario that I come in contact with is that one spouse (usually the husband, for my audience) wants to move forward with a divorce, believing the marriage is dead and can not be saved, while the other spouse (usually the wife) wants desperately to save it.

Unfortunately, by this time, a lot of water has accumulated under the bridge, and the husband is generally not listening anymore and is unreceptive to any ideas or communication that could help the situation or save the marriage.  Often wives ask me for advice on what “tricks to play,” or “letters to write,” or “tactics to try” to change their husband’s mind about the divorce.  And without realizing it, these wives are setting themselves up for a plan that not only backfires but makes saving the marriage harder in the end.

No one likes to be manipulated or “convinced” into changing their mind.  And even if you do “win” this time, your husband’s heart likely isn’t going to be in it.  So, you’re getting a husband who, at best, comes begrudgingly back when what you want is a husband who wants to come back on his own.

So, how can you change tactics to go from being an adversary with your husband, where there has to be one winner and one loser, to a situation where you are both on the same page and can both get what you want? Read on, and I’ll tell you.

How To Get Your Husband To Listen To Reason:  So many tell me, “My husband just tunes me out.  I’m willing to really talk and work things out so that we’re both happy, but he won’t even give me the courtesy to listen.”

Here’s why he isn’t listening.  In his mind, he’s tried this all before.  Perhaps you attempted to work things out before, and maybe some changes were even made, but in the end, the bottom line was disappointing and not enough.

So in his mind, nothing is ever going to change, and interacting and communicating with you now is just eliciting negative feelings and is, therefore, a waste of time.  I’m not saying that this is right.  We all know that it isn’t.  I’m just saying that this is what men tell me during my research.  My own husband admitted to me that when I was trying to save our marriage, he never actually heard what I was saying – he only heard background noise (which he wasn’t paying attention to anyway).

So, if you want your husband to listen to you, you have to change your message and your delivery.  Because right now, he’s in blocking mode.  His intention is to thwart whatever you are going to say or do to change his mind.  So, the easiest way around this is to tell him flat-out that you aren’t going to attempt to change his mind.

Simply put, you agree and then you back off.  I know this can sound like a risky tactic, but I find it the safest way to go.  The key is that you’re going to agree to a few things.  You agree that the marriage is unsatisfying (to you as well), you agree that major changes need to be made (for you too), and you agree that you could both use some time to evaluate and work on your own issues.  Now, I know that you are reading this as a loss, but don’t.  This is simply how you are going to get your husband receptive to you again.  Because as soon as your husband thinks your attempts to change his mind aren’t happening excessively, there’s no longer any need for him to avoid you and block every conversation you try to have with him.

Once The Tensions Lessen, Introduce The Next Step: So far, you’ve hopefully agreed with your husband (that the marriage is in trouble, needs change, and a pause may be a good idea), which is meant to disarm his defense mechanisms.  Now, in order for this to work, you have to make good on what you’ve said.  Don’t fall into old patterns of engagement that will push him away.  Always present the best, most patient, calmest version of yourself because you want him to see glimpses of the woman he first met and fell in love with.

So, once the tension lessens and your husband is no longer running away every time he sees you, try to approach him in a lighthearted, open way.  Tell him that you value the marriage and your relationship with him. Tell him that you’d like the improve the relationship because he is very important to you.  Assure him that you don’t know what tomorrow brings and you aren’t trying to change his mind, but that you don’t want to part with any animosity or anger between you. If he is not receptive, don’t push.  Continue to present yourself as the best, most light-hearted version of yourself.

What To Focus On When You Interact With Your Husband:  It’s important that you continue to do what you’ve promised.  Always be positive, patient, and upbeat without demanding any reassurances or commitments.  What you are trying to do here is replace the negative feelings and tensions with positive feelings and peace.  The idea is that you want your husband to want to see more of you and spend more time together.  After the first couple of meetings, always let your husband be the one to initiate things.   Your best-case scenario is that one day he realizes that the woman he first loved is right there in front of him, but he is about to make the grave mistake of letting her get away.

Sometimes, wives tell me that what I’m telling them makes sense, but they can’t ever envision their husbands pursuing them again.  The wives explain that they no longer talk, they can’t stand to be in the same room together, etc.  Well, I know that is how it feels now. But, if over a period of time, you show your husband that indeed things can change, that indeed the woman he fell in love with does still exist, and that she in fact does value him and can communicate with him in a new, non-combative way, it’s highly likely that he will eventually realize that his assumptions were wrong.  And, when he does, you pick up this plan in the place most applicable to your situation, and you move slowly until he is as committed and enthusiastic about saving your marriage as you are.

When my husband wanted out (but I didn’t), I made many of my mistakes based on fear. I stalked, begged, threatened, tried to overcompensate, and acted very badly. These things backfired. Thankfully, I finally realized I was doing more harm than good and was able to change course using the tactics discussed here. You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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Tips For When You Want to Get A Husband Back – Even When You Think Your Mistakes Mean It’s Too Late

By: Leslie Cane: Probably the most common comment or question that I get is “I want to get my husband back, but I just don’t know how.”

Often, people will tell me that they are afraid that there is just too much water under the bridge, or their husbands are too angry, too distant, or dead set on separating or divorcing. Most times, one spouse is trying to save their marriage single-handedly and is meeting resistance.

I am living proof that you can save your marriage and get your husband back even when you think all may be lost. What is usually required though is that you change tactics, switch sides, and consciously chose behaviors that may not feel natural right now. But, I promise the advice that I am about to give you may help your cause rather than hurt it.

Resist Mistakes That Will Hurt Your Efforts To Get Your Husband Back: I have made every mistake that I’m getting ready to tell you to avoid. I believe that it’s just natural to want to fix things in your marriage as quickly as you can, but this often forces your hand, and tricks you into taking desperate action in such a way that pushes your husband further away.

It comes down to whether your actions are eliciting negative or positive feelings in your husband. Because his leaving (or wanting to leave) is, in its simplest form, the result of negative feelings. So, you don’t want to add any more fuel to the fire. This means no begging, arguing, attempting to strong-arm or “convince,” and no threats or ultimatums.

I’ve spoken to many husbands who tell me that they always tune out this form of “communication” as a defense mechanism, so save your energy and efforts for what is really going to work. I did these things for way too long, and ultimately, this only made my job harder in the end.

What If I’ve Already Messed It Up? (How To Talk To Your Husband So That He Will Actually Listen): Often, when I tell wives about these mistakes, they’ll respond with something like “well, I’ve already made these mistakes and I can’t take them back, so I think it’s too late.” Don’t worry. You will just have to convincingly change course, and your husband may not believe you at first, but if you keep at it and stay the course, he hopefully eventually will. So, first things first.

There will come a time when you will need to meet with or communicate with your husband. (If you have to push this along, arrange a believable meeting or need to communicate, but don’t abuse this.) When this happens, tell your husband that you’ve been thinking a lot about where things stand, and you agree that things need to change. Explain that you will no longer engage in behaviors that hurt your relationship or either of you. Tell him that you respect and value him too much to end things badly. Tell him that, no matter how things end up, you want to improve your relationship.

This should help with the tension and resistance. But there is still work to do. Because your husband is likely going to think that this is just a plan to change his mind. So, will have to do exactly what you are promising. When you interact, always ask yourself if your actions are going to help or hurt your bottom line.

Make Yourself Available, But Don’t Be A Doormat: Here’s the most common mistake that I see in this plan. Many people are successful in the previous step. The tension eases, and they find that the communication with their husbands is open and somewhat easy again, but then they mess up all of their hard work by pushing for a commitment, excessive reassurance, or trying to “work out” their problems with long, difficult, or painful discussions. Note that if your husband hears “work” before he’s ready, he’s going to resist.

Yes, you will eventually need to work through your problems, but wait until the relationship is back on firm ground. Ultimately, you want to set this up to a point where you are equals again, where your husband wants more from the relationship, and again being the one to initiate this. You don’t want to constantly be the pursuer. You’re in the best position to save the marriage when you show him glimpses of the woman he first fell in love with. I’d be willing to bet that she wasn’t desperate, needy, or incapable of entertaining herself on her own.

So get out and be with your friends. Keep yourself busy and put a smile on your face. Show your husband that you respect yourself enough to do the things that make you happy. Always be clear that while you value your husband and your marriage above all else, you don’t know what the future holds, and you aren’t going to wait around generating and experiencing negative feelings.

Many women tell me that this sounds and feels risky. It may seem that way at first, but it can work because it encourages his curiosity and shows him that the most attractive version of the woman he first fell in love with still exists and is likely right in front of him.

I learned these strategies through trial and error when trying to save my own marriage.  Many of my mistakes were nearly catastrophic, but thankfully, I changed course in time.  You can read about how I brought my marriage back from the brink on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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Secrets on How to Get Back Your Husband: How To Understand What He Really Wants And What He’s Looking For Right Now.

By: Leslie Cane: Often people talk to me about the “secrets for getting a husband back.” The truth is, there wasn’t one particular secret that was the deciding factor in saving my own marriage. Rather, it was several techniques that I used together. I suppose that you can fairly call them “secrets” as they sometimes aren’t intuitive, and many people just don’t use them, although they work very well. (It took me way too long to use them myself.) So, in this article, I’ll share with you several things that you can do (which you may not have thought of) to get your husband back.

Understand That Men Love Women Because Of How We Make Them Feel About Themselves: More often than not, men “fall out of love” not because they’ve lost feelings about you, but because they’ve lost feelings about themselves. This probably sounds utterly ridiculous (it did to me at first), so I’ll explain.

When a man falls in love with you, it’s typically because you’ve found a way to make him feel special, understood, desirable, and valuable. You make him feel particularly unique because, of all the men in the world, you chose him to love. Obviously, this feels very good. As you know, when you’re “in love,” you walk around on cloud nine because you are part of a team, someone “gets”, appreciates, and desires you, and nothing else matters but the two of you.

However, over time, as you are married for a while and perhaps have a few kids, a few jobs, a house to maintain, aging parents to deal with, and all of the responsibilities that go with maintaining a marriage, the time that you’re able to put into each other begins to wane.

Most wives (myself included) count on the fact that our husbands are all too familiar with our struggles to “be everything to everyone” and know that we love them. And, this is partly true. But that doesn’t keep our husbands from wanting more of our attention and affection, because they need us to validate them. Over time, all of the good feelings and self-confidence they enjoyed as a result of your relationship are no longer there.

As a result, the feelings of being unique, alive, and vibrant are gone, and this is a sharp contrast with how they felt before. They begin to pull away, to check out, and to detach from you. You may notice a lot less affection, attention, or time spent together. The problem is that once you notice this, a lot of damage has already been done.

So many women make the mistake of looking at the deterioration of their marriage literally. They think the marriage is broken because of stress, “falling out of love,” or money issues. But the truth is, these external things are really contributors to your husband feeling incompetent and detached. Because two people who are deeply in love can weather these storms. In fact, these things often bring healthy relationships closer together.

What Men Really Want In A Marriage: So, hopefully, now you understand how your husband likely feels. Now, I’d like to discuss what men want in a marriage. So many women will tell me things like “but our house was always immaculate. There was always dinner on the table,” or “I took very good care of his kids while working too.” These things are all admirable and, of course, your husband appreciates this, but it’s not what he wants.

More than anything else, your husband wants you to look at him the way you did when you were first dating. He wants you to appreciate him, make time for him, and show him that he is worth your affection and time. So many men have told me, “I’m nothing but a paycheck to my wife,” or “she values the kids more than me.” Husbands feel guilty and petty for feeling this way, but this is how some of them feel. Sometimes, though, rather than admitting it, they will check out.

What they want, more than anything, is to feel the way that they did when the relationship was shiny and new. Now, I know the circumstances are different. I know that you are two different people. But, there’s no reason that you can’t be very conscious of showing your husband the woman he first fell in love with. If he couldn’t get enough of your ability to make him laugh, ask yourself how often you are showing him that side of yourself. Try your best to bring back your light-hearted, happy, intriguing self. I found, when I did this, that it not only attracted my husband back to me, but I felt a whole lot better about myself as well. (That story is here.)

What If It’s Already Too Late, Or What If I Can’t Pull This Off?: Many times, after I’ve explained this, wives will say to me, “It’s too late for this. My husband wouldn’t believe me if I tried this,” or “we aren’t even speaking at this point.” And, sometimes people protest, “But I’m doing all the work!” Admittedly, you will have to pull this off convincingly for it to work. But, I’m not asking you to be anyone other than yourself – the best version of yourself – the one your husband loves very much.

If you are not speaking or if your husband is not receptive, you’ll have to accept small victories for a while. You’ll need to tell your husband that, whether the marriage can be saved or not, you are committed to restoring a positive relationship because he will always be important to you. This means no arguing, no engaging, no begging, or following him around. Only participate in behaviors that will help your cause rather than hurt it.

And yes, at first, you will be doing much of the work, but in the end, you will also get the reward. You will both be happier once you restore the time, attention, and feelings of being “in love.”

When my husband left, I made many of the mistakes I mentioned in this article. I stalked, begged, threatened, and acted very badly. These things backfired. Thankfully, I finally realized I was doing more harm than good and was able to change course. You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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