Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: It’s very common to fear that when your husband walks out the door and has made it clear that he is exiting the marriage, all is lost. Most wives will assume that this is just the first step of a divorce, and the marriage will eventually die a slow death and end. I believe that this does not have to be the case. If you want your husband back (even after he has left), you will have to avoid some behaviors and concentrate heavily on some others. Some of these behaviors and tactics will seem foreign or risky, but in reality, I came to believe that they are the safest, most sensible way to go because they ensure that your husband comes back willingly and that he is “on board” with being with you and committed to the marriage.

It may feel like a momentary win if you are able to talk or trick your husband into coming back, but in truth, this is just a short-term victory that will often backfire later. In this article, I’ll discuss tips and advice that are meant to help you get your husband to want (with all his heart) to come back and to save the marriage once and for all.

Understand Why He Really Left (Regardless Of What He Is Saying With Words): Often, when women use statements like “well, my husband just left me, now what do I do?” my first question is always to ask for a clearer explanation. Usually, there is silence followed by a whole string of things that “could” be one cause. They will tell me things like: “he says he’s not in love with me anymore,” or “he says it’s not me, it’s him,” or “he won’t tell me anything, just that he doesn’t want to be married anymore.”

Sometimes, the answer appears clear-cut, like he’s having an affair or he’s leaving for the other woman. However, regardless of what he is saying with body language or with words, every one of these reasons really comes back to one similar thing – a lack of intimacy and connectedness to his wife.

Some men will be sad about this, but want out all the same. Some men are angry or disappointed. Some men shut down altogether. However, the outcome is always the same – these men have lost the feeling of “being in love” and being intimately connected to their wives, and they don’t know how to get it back, or they don’t feel that it can rise from the dead again. (Of course, you suspect this isn’t true. So, you have to eventually and gradually show him (very skillfully) the flaw in his thinking.)

What Men Really Want From Their Wives (Although They May Not Even Know It Or Be Able To Explain It): I know that a husband’s lack of explanation and communication can be maddening. I can not tell you how many women tell me, “If I knew what he wanted, I’d give it to him, but he won’t tell me, and everything I try backfires.”

Well, believe it or not, men are a lot like us. They usually think they shouldn’t have to tell us, and often, they can’t articulate what they want very effectively. But, I can tell you with complete certainty that many of them want the same things that everyone wants (including us.)

They want to feel deeply loved, completely understood, highly valued, completely competent, greatly appreciated, and that they are absolutely worth your time and attention. They want to have lighthearted fun with you. They want to have positive, not negative, feelings based on your shared experiences. They don’t want to have to compete for this with your boss, your aging parents, your children, or your other obligations.

I know this sounds harsh. It is harsh. But this is the truth as I know it. They want that connection and commitment that they felt when they first fell in love. Please don’t use this information to feel dejected or that it is too late. I’m telling you this because I believe it is not too late, but I believe you have to know what he wants in order to give it to him and to get him back. However, this will take some finesse. (Unfortunately, I learned this the hard way, from experience.) You can’t appear desperate or like you are on a stage reciting dialogue when you do this. So, let’s get to it.

What You Need To Know (And Do) In Any Successful Quest To Get Your Husband Back: So now we know what your husband wants. And, before you take any action, you need to always remember two things. First, you want to always try to appear attractive when you approach (this is not just physical.) And you want to create positive experiences. When I say attractive, I don’t necessarily mean your physical appearance (although you should take this into account and make it the best that it can be.) No, what I mean is that, as I’ve explained, a woman who is most attractive to a man is the one who completely “gets” him and what he is about, but loves him passionately anyway and demonstrates this on a regular basis.

With that said, men do not find women who try too hard or “yes wives” at all attractive. They like interesting, busy, self-confident, and alluring women. It’s a huge ego boost for them to know that a woman who has so much going on is going to take the time and effort for them.  So, how does this work in real life? Like this.

Going Exploring. Looking For Yourself: The best way to show your husband the woman he first fell so hard for is to bring back the attributes that he loved the most. This is a difficult exercise for many women because it is hard to look at yourself in this way. But, I can tell you what men overwhelmingly tell me, and this is that they love a woman with a laid-back sense of humor, an open heart, and a sharp intellect. They love a woman who can take the time to really understand and appreciate them. It’s highly likely that your husband fell in love with someone with a quick wit, a ready smile, and someone who took the time to know what would lighten his load and brighten his day.

Obtaining Access: Now, he’s obviously left, so you don’t have immediate access to him. But, I’ll bet you know where he is or where he is hanging out. However, you don’t just show up there with this plan in hand. No, first you go out with friends (mutual friends are best) and put a smile on your face. You put your best self on full display with the full intention that he finds out.

After a reasonable amount of time has passed, you bump into him or, if you have to, you arrange a meeting where you need to return something or exchange something. You make sure he knows that the woman he fell in love with is still there and that she is busy and carrying on. You conduct yourself with dignity and respect. You are upbeat, lighthearted, and you are always focused on positive interactions. Eventually, he will hopefully no longer try to avoid you and will likely want to see more of you because this new you is something that is pretty intriguing.

Always let him take the lead and never be the initiator or push too hard. Again, you are the vibrant, woman who would love to save her marriage, but who respects her husband enough to deal with this situation in the most positive way she can, fully confident that this new person he sees will remind him very much of someone he once loved so much that he married her.

After my husband left, I did not understand these principles, and I went about saving the marriage in the completely wrong way. I stooped to negative behavior that only drove my husband further away. Thankfully, I soon realized my mistake and I changed direction. This eventually worked. You can read that story at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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By: Leslie Cane: I often receive comments and emails from wives who tell me that their husband is claiming that he wants a divorce, and the wives want to know if this means the end of the marriage. The answer to this question is going to greatly depend upon the circumstances around it, but I believe that until the final and complete divorce papers are signed by a judge and filed by a court, that the marriage can potentially be saved. And sometimes, couples even reconcile and remarry after a divorce, so there is always hope. However, there are several things that you can do to greatly improve your chances of preventing the divorce all together in the first place. I’ll explain these tactics in the following article and will tell you why they work.

Getting Down To The Real Reason That He Wants The Divorce (It’s Probably Not What You Think): So many wives complain that their husbands won’t tell them the “real reason” that he wants to end the marriage. Men are often poor communicators, so they will often give you very vague justifications like: “I just don’t want to be married anymore;” or “I love you, but I’m no longer in love with you;” or “I just need time alone to work on myself.” None of these things really gives you a concrete “in” so that you can formulate a decent plan, but you can often read between the lines.

In truth, it’s often not the external, third party issues that kill a marriage. These things (like stress, infidelity, money issues, “falling out of love,” etc.) are often just symptoms of one thing – a loss of intimacy and closeness. In a nutshell, the “we” becomes an “I” and you begin to see yourselves as individuals rather than as part of a cohesive team.

Because, if you think back to when you first fell in love, you’ll likely remember that any “issues” or petty arguments were brushed off without a lot of drama. That’s because people who are deeply connected to one another feel a great deal of empathy and affection that trumps all of the other issues. So, people who are deeply in love don’t want to dwell on things that would pull them apart rather than improve their connection.

At this point though, this connection has likely been lost. This is so common today. We all have so many responsibilities and commitments that pull us in a million different directions. Our spouses are witness to this, of course. So, we just hope and assume that they will understand that the amount of time and effort today has to be less than it was when we first met. Of course, their head understands this, but that doesn’t keep their heart from being disappointed and feeling neglected.

At the end of the day, everyone wants to feel cherished, valued, understood, and heard. Once your spouse feels that you are no longer doing this, they tend to shut down, and this is when the distance and coldness begin to appear. After a while, he’ll often begin to assume that the closeness is forever gone and can’t return. Obviously, you need to show him that this just isn’t true.

It’s Better To Subtly Make Him Want To Change His Mind Than To Try To Strong-Arm Or Convince Him That He Is Wrong And You Are Right: Here is the most common mistake that I see wives make. The first phase of “fighting” the divorce is that you will try to talk everything out. You will want to shine a light on every problem in your marriage and then explain why these things can be fixed. Or, you’ll reason with your husband that he is perceiving things incorrectly and then you’ll want to tell him how things really are. Finally, when these things don’t work, many women will just insist that they aren’t signing anything and that the husband can seek a divorce until he’s blue in the face, but that you aren’t going to give an inch.

He’s the problem with both of these tactics. First, by trying to convince him to see things your way, whether you mean to or not, you’re implying that he doesn’t have the right to want things to be different or that he is not perceptive or intelligent enough to see the real situation. Worse, you’re implying that your need for happiness is more important than his. Finally, you’re refusing to work with him as partners and two people who love each other and who ultimately want the same thing. This is not the message you want to send – not by a long shot.

It’s better to behave as if you are on your husband’s side and you are willing to validate his feelings and empathize with them. When you married him, you promised to honor him and respect him. So, you want to take the stance that you are hearing what he is saying and you agree that a serious overhaul is needed. You want to stress that he is the most important person in the world and you will do whatever is necessary to ensure that you both get the best resolution possible where – at the end of the day, whatever the resolution, you can be proud of the way that you have behaved and supported one another.

If you continue to behave with dignity, empathy, and grace, it’s highly likely that your situation is going to improve and you can then build up large improvements from there.

The Best, Gradual and Subtle Way To Change His Mind About The Divorce: Once you begin to put this plan into action, you’ll likely notice that your husband isn’t avoiding you as much anymore. But, there is still a long way to go between getting along and wanting to remain married. It’s so important that you move slowly and be willing to accept baby steps at first. Your goal is really to have small positive experiences on a regular basis. You want to show your spouse the individual with whom he first fell in love. The one with the easy laugh. The one who understood him better than any other. The one who put having fun together high on her priority list.

When these things start to work, always force yourself to move slowly. If you start to ask for reassurance or commitment or push for “where this is going?” you may scare him off. It’s better to let him be the one who asks for more, as this will restore the balance of power between you and put you at a place where your marriage is now strong enough to work through the issues with both of you on board.

I always felt that my marriage was worth saving, but I went about saving it in the wrong way. I stooped to negative behavior that only drove him further away. Thankfully, I soon realized where I was going wrong. You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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By: Leslie Cane: Unfortunately, the people who typically read my articles are not in the best or happiest of marital situations. Usually, they have or will be faced with talks of divorce, and they’re often the spouse who wants to save the marriage while the other wants to end it. I know from experience that this is a very difficult situation to be in – one in which you feel that you are constantly walking on eggshells and petrified of doing the wrong thing.

Often, your head is telling you to do one thing while your heart is telling you to do something else entirely. And, advice is usually being thrown at you from all sides. While some people will tell you to protect yourself and limit your losses, others will tell you to delay parting as long as possible while fighting (hard) for your marriage. I must disclose that I believe that it is rarely too late to save a marriage, so I won’t offer you legal advice about your divorce (and I’m not an attorney anyway.) However, I also think that it’s risky to put on blinders. I’ll discuss how I personally feel is best to proceed in this article.

First, Focus Just On Improving The Interactions Between You (While Hiding Any Agenda:) Whether the divorce happens or not, things are going to be much easier for you if you and your spouse can get on the same page. And, if you want to save your marriage, it’s going to be impossible to do if your husband has blocked access to him.

So, it’s vitally important that you make clear to him that you will no longer engage in behaviors that are going to drive you further apart. Make clear that you agree completely that the marriage needs serious work and that you both deserve better than what you have been getting. Tell him that although you think it’s possible to save the marriage, you agree that neither of you can tell the future so the best that you can do right now is to just to focus on making your day-to-day interactions more pleasant – since it’s silly that two people who once loved each other very much can’t interact in a positive way. Reiterate that your spouse is too important to you to allow you to become adversaries.

It’s so important that you be as convincing as possible here. Because your spouse will likely immediately have warning bells going off in his head that scream “lookout, agenda, plan, or manipulation ahead.” And, even if you give an Oscar-winning performance, he is still going to suspect this a little bit. That’s OK. Because from this point on, we’ll be showing him, not telling him.

Don’t Allow Desperation And Frustration To Force Your Hand And Allow For Mistakes: When the divorce clock is ticking, it’s so easy to panic. You feel as though you must take some drastic and lasting action immediately to right this thing. The truth is, even if your husband has or will already file divorce papers, these things do take a considerable amount of time to go through.

And while I would never advise you to just ignore what is going on around you, at the same time, you can not panic and act in negative ways because you feel the end of your marriage breathing down your neck. By all means, get legal representation if you see things moving forward, but don’t dig in your heels and make things worse by panicking and allowing your worst self to show through on full display, especially if you want to save your marriage. (I am telling you this because I DID put my worst self on display.  And it was disastrous.)

Remember when you promised your spouse that you would only focus on creating positive interactions between you? Always remember this. What you want to display is the spouse who wants to save the marriage, but who is dealing with the situation with dignity and grace, partly because she has respect for both herself and her husband, and partly because she wants her spouse to be happy and validated. At this point, it’s always a good idea to get out and see your friends, put a smile on your face, do what makes you happy, and make sure your husband knows about this.

Always Be Mindful Of Who You Are Displaying To Your Husband (And Everyone Else, Including Yourself:) Along those same lines, you want to put on full display the woman your husband was first attracted to. I know that at first glance this seems silly and impossible, but please stay with me. I know you can’t turn back the hands of time. I understand that the circumstances are different today. But, what if you could pinpoint exactly what your husband loved about you and could bring back those qualities? And, I don’t mean your twenty-year-old hot body or the easy-to-please girl who had no responsibilities. I mean the woman who made full and adoring eye contact when the two of you talked for hours, the one who had the easy laugh and the laid-back way of making everything seem right in the world. The one who understood her husband better than anyone else and loved him passionately anyway.

I cannot tell you how many men tell me that they feel abandoned by their wives. I know this sounds dramatic, but common phrases that I hear are things like: “I am last on her to-do list,” “I feel like being intimate with me is like a distasteful task she has to schedule that she is glad to get out of the way,” or “she doesn’t even try to understand me anymore.”

Understanding Universal Longing. We All Feel It: The truth is, at the end of the day, everyone wants to feel loved, understood, appreciated, and worthy of your time and attention. Many times, when a husband wants a divorce, it’s because the closeness and intimacy are gone, and he’s bitterly disappointed and so completely lonely within his own home and marriage. He’s not good at communicating this with you, he’s embarrassed to be so needy, and his natural inclination is to just shut down.

So, knowing all of the above, if you want to save your marriage, your job is to very slowly improve your strategy so that your spouse can trust that you have the best of intentions because you are the person he has known (and loved) all along.  This is your starting point.  And you’ll move methodically from there. You don’t want to move too quickly, or it may scare him away. Once this happens, you must show him that the woman who once valued and understood him as much as herself is still very much present.

I know that the journey may seem long if you are starting from a place of despair. But stay the course.  Admittedly, this process took longer than I wanted it to, but I did save my marriage.  And that is all that matters. You can read that story at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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By: Leslie Cane: I write about saving and rescuing marriages. As a result, I sometimes speak with folks wanting to know why their marriages are ending and what they can do to stop, delay, or bypass this process. Often, when I ask why the marriage is in trouble, I get a range of about five different answers (depending upon whether the husband or the wife is giving them). Common answers are stress, money, sex, some external crisis or stressful situation, or infidelity.

Now, these things all occur in marriages, and these things all cause problems. But, these things are not what has started the process, nor is it the thing that will deal your marriage its final blow, (at least in my opinion or experience.) No, these are external things that are a symptom of something else entirely- a lack of intimacy. Many people will try so hard to address the money or stress issue, thinking that once they do, the marriage will rebound. Although this may be true in the short term, without bringing the intimacy and the connection back, you will only be in the same place once another stressor is placed upon the marriage. This article will discuss addressing the real reason that marriages end.

Why The End Of A Marriage All Comes Down To A Loss Of Your Connection (Usually As The Result Of Neglect:) When a counselor once told me that my separation (and possibly impending divorce) was likely due to the loss of my marriages “connection,” I thought she was just trying to tie it up in a neat package so that I could process it. But then she had me do an exercise that made it very clear. She asked me to think about when my husband and I were first dating. Then, she asked me to think about, describe, and pinpoint our first fight. I had an easy time remembering our courtship, but a difficult time remembering the first fight. There wasn’t much to it, and it was over quickly. I hadn’t thought much about it since.

There’s a reason for this, of course. When you are deeply in love, little stressors just sort of bounce right off of you. You’re seeing life through love colored glasses, so you’re not going to let any petty slights or annoyances mess up the good thing you have going. When a couple is in love, small fights are just that – small things that blow over quickly. No one wants to draw it out, because doing so would only get in the way of all the good feelings you’re experiencing and the fun that you are having.

But, of course, responsibilities begin to rear their ugly little heads. Eventually, we all have to get back to real life and turn our attention to our jobs and our extended families – all of which give us less time to devote to our spouse or significant other. Often, the red flag doesn’t go off in our heads, and the alarm bells don’t sound because we know that this is completely normal. It happens to everyone. That said, just because it’s common doesn’t mean it isn’t deadly to a marriage. So, it’s not the eternal thing that you really need to address – it’s the intimacy that needs to return.

We also often make the mistake of thinking that our spouse knows exactly what’s going on in our lives. They know exactly how many balls we are trying to juggle, so they should understand that the time just isn’t there. They do understand this with their heads, but not with their hearts.

Why Your Spouse Has Probably Shut Down And Is Not Listening To Your Attempts To Turn This Thing Around: Often, by the time people contact me, their marriages are at the point where very little helpful communication is happening. Usually, one of the spouses has sort of given up, since typically some attempts have been made to change things, but these things have failed or not been followed through with. So, the spouse who wants the break or divorce now sees the marriage as cold and dead, and can’t even begin to imagine how it could even be possible to change things now.

I often hear varying statements like “my wife is not the same person. She never has time for me. Nothing I do is right in her eyes. She doesn’t even begin to understand me.” And, often with a little prompting, they’ll even go a little further and tell me how their wives used to “get them” like no one else could understand what they were saying with only eye contact, and cared deeply about their happiness and experiences. They feel this is a sharp contrast to what they are experiencing now. This loss frustrates them and contributes to their shutting down.

Putting It All Together To Prevent Your Marriage From Ending: Hopefully, by now, you have a little more insight into what you need to do if you want to save your marriage. You absolutely have to return the close bond that used to exist between you. Because if you can do that, all of the seemingly insurmountable issues will diminish to only petty annoyances that will be dealt with. Once the two of you are looking at life from love colored glasses again, the big things will again look like small things.

But, how do you return this intimacy when you are barely speaking? First, you have to both want the same things (or at least make your spouse think that you do). So, you sit them down and tell them that no matter what happens, you are going to work on improving the relationship between you because they are too important to you for the relationship to become cold and distant, no matter how this ends. Neither of you should live with this kind of stress and uncertainty, and you both deserve to be happy so you are going to act in such a way that makes this happen.

Don’t push and don’t overdo it. Just work on, day by day, returning a playful, fun element to the relationship so that your husband isn’t running to flee every time he sees you for fear that a fight is coming. You don’t want to try to talk about your deep, problematic issues. At first, you’re just creating a scenario where two people who once loved one another very much begin to see what first attracted them in the first place. If your husband used to love your laugh and your laid-back, easy personality, make sure he is seeing just that when he interacts with you.

Little by little and bit by bit, the tension should begin to ease and you can then once again build a base that is founded on a close bond, a deep understanding, and an appreciation of one another. Once you are back to this place, working through the external issues becomes much easier.

When my husband wanted a break, I focused on the external issues when trying to save our separated marriage, rather than looking at the intimacy and closeness. Thankfully, I soon realized where I was going wrong, changed direction, and this eventually worked. You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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By: Leslie Cane: I’m often told (and I know from experience) that the world would be a much simpler place if both spouses were on board with a divorce at the same time. However, this is rarely the case. In my experience, more often than not, one spouse is ready to throw in the towel while the other wants desperately to pick up the pieces and fight for the marriage.

However, saving your marriage when you are the only one who wants to can be a very difficult task. Often, the divorcing spouse won’t listen to (or isn’t receptive to) anything that you say or do. They only want to move forward with the divorce and will block out any attempts that you make to change their mind. You’re often left feeling like your only choices are to: demean yourself and plead; try to pull out all of the stops; try to manipulate them into changing their mind; or just give up / or give in. But, there’s another way to handle this that often works better in the long run. It’s approaching this situation from another angle, and it requires controlling the only thing that you can control right now – yourself.

Take A Careful Look At What You’re Really Saying Or Implying To Your Spouse. Don’t Dismiss His Needs: Obviously, you’ve given your spouse the verbal message that you want to save the marriage rather than getting a divorce. But is that the only thing that your words, gestures, and nonverbal cues are saying? Often the way that you say things and the action that you take speak just as loudly (if not more so) than any words that you could say. Often, divorcing spouses tell me that they believe the spouse who wants to save the marriage has tried to “beat them down” to get them to “give in.”

And many times, (although neither of you may consciously realize it), your tone often implies that they are just wrong and not entitled to want things to be better. They will often read this as your not thinking that their needs or wishes are as valid as yours or that they are gravely mistaken about their own life. This is certainly not the message that you want to send to someone that you are trying to convince to stay.

Make Sure That The Message You Are Sending Is The One They Want To Hear: Stop and think about it. Why is it, really, that your spouse is blocking access to them right now? Because you are saying what he doesn’t want to hear. You are trying to change his mind and get him to “give in.” No one wants to emerge the loser in this standoff, of course. So, he’s going to do everything that he can to block out your words and actions. Clearly, this is not what you want. To save your marriage, you’ll need him to be available and receptive to you. So, how do you get around this, and how do you move from where you are now to where you eventually need to be? You change your message so that you are (for right now) telling him the message that he wants to hear.

Before you think this advice is just crazy, please know that I’m not telling you to give up or give in. Not at all. I’m telling you this because this is the way that you are going to regain access to your spouse. So, at a time when no one is rushed and everyone is calm, convincingly tell your spouse that you’ve been thinking about the marriage and you now agree that it is seriously flawed, not working for you both, and that your spouse is absolutely right for wanting to change things. Tell him that although you both know that you want to save the marriage, you have to admit that a truce could do you both good. Explain that no matter how this ultimately works out, your spouse is too important to you to part with anything but good terms. Vow to act in such a way that is going to ensure that (at least from your end) you will have no regrets about the way that you have handled this. Believe me, regret feels very bad.  I am embarrassed about how I initially acted during my own separation.

Now, I doubt very seriously that this alone will bring on a miraculous change at first. Your spouse will likely not instantly believe your change of heart. That’s OK because you are prepared to wait it out and to prove them wrong. You proceed by doing exactly what you said – you give them their space, you conduct yourself in a way that you can be proud of, and you make sure that they know that you are taking full advantage of the space yourself.

Putting Your Best Self On Full Display: I have many spouses tell me that the real, true reason that they want the divorce is because they feel that the marriage has gone cold, and they don’t see how this could ever change. They believe that it is too late for any real and lasting change. Many times, they miss the spouse that they used to have before responsibilities and life got in the way. They long for the way things used to be –   when you would listen intently to what they said, laugh at their jokes, and care deeply about their happiness. They often tell me the spouse who used to have the easy laugh and open heart is now closed off.

Why is this important for you to know? Because you have the ability to change what you are showing them. You are the person they want back. You’ve just buried the part of yourself that they love the most. You both may think it’s too late, but it’s often not. The key for you right now (once you’ve changed the message you are sending) is to put the light-hearted, vibrant person they first loved on full display again so that he knows she still exists. I don’t mean putting on a show when he doesn’t want to see one. I mean going out with friends, conducting yourself as the best version of you, and making sure your spouse knows about this. It’s very likely that once he does, he’ll want to see more for himself. When this day comes, you keep right on doing what is going to work, little by little, until your marriage is back on solid ground.

All of these lessons were hard-won.  I had to learn them during my own separation.  I learned them because I made mistakes that made them necessary.  But I was eventually able to save my marriage.  That story is at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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By: Leslie Cane: Although it doesn’t always make sense, the amount of time, passion, and work that one spouse spends fighting for and trying to save their marriage is not always reflected in the results. What I mean by this is that often wanting to save your marriage, immediately taking the steps to do just that, and refusing to give up, would seem to most like a winning plan, but sometimes this backfires. I know this firsthand from personal experience. The reason for this isn’t that you didn’t try hard enough or that you didn’t want to save your marriage enough. The real reason lies in the perception of the spouse who wants a divorce or wants to end the marriage. Often, the divorcing spouse is turned off when they are bombarded by what they perceive as desperation or trying too hard. So, to answer the questions “do you fight for your marriage or give your spouse space,” the short answer is that you do both, although you don’t necessarily want your spouse to realize your plan. I’ll explain why (and how this works in the following article.

Why You Can Sometimes Fight Too Hard To Save Your Marriage And Actually Push Your Spouse Further Away: It’s totally natural to want an immediate solution to marital issues because it feels so awful and so foreign when things are this bad. So, your immediate reaction is to pull out all the stops and bombard your spouse with an obvious campaign to save your marriage. You try to talk them to death. You try to solve your problems overnight. You try to reason with or engage them. You try to get them to “remember when,” or you bombard them with affection that is obviously coming out of nowhere and meant to change the mind that they believe they have already made up.

The problem with these things is that they often fall on deaf ears when a spouse has already made up his mind, and, worse, they make you appear unattractive and unstable. There is a better way to fight for your marriage behind the scenes while letting them think that you are giving them the space they’ve asked for.

How To Give Them Space While Still Fighting For Your Marriage: It may not seem like it right now, but giving them the space that they have requested is vital. It helps your cause in many ways. First, it validates your spouse. You’re telling them that you agree that they deserve to be happy and that you care enough about them to help them achieve this goal. Second, it’s going to relieve some of the awkwardness so that they will eventually stop blocking out what you say. Third, there needs to be a calm, quiet period where everyone can think rationally and have the time to miss one another.

Now, I’m not necessarily talking about one of you moving out. I’m talking about giving this space underneath one roof or a scenario in which one of you stays with friends for a while to sort this out. But if your spouse has already or is going to move out, this can still work just as well.

It’s very important that you are convincing when you agree to the space. In fact, you need them to know that you want it too, for yourself. So, when things are calm, sit your spouse down and tell him that you’ve been thinking about the issues between you and you agree that the marriage needs a serious overhaul. Admit that you, too, would like to see some changes, as the distance between you hurts you because your spouse is the most important person in your life. And, admit too, that you could really use the space for yourself and that you think it could make some things clear to both of you.

It’s important to understand that giving the space is not giving up or giving in. Instead, it’s the smartest thing to do right now. You’re buying yourself time and giving your spouse no reason to continue to block you.

So, What Happens During The Time And Space Apart?: This is the most important part of the plan. It’s so important that you make yourself get out and get moving. I know that you won’t feel like it. I know that it seems so much easier to just stay in and reminisce. But that’s not the best course of action if you want to fight for this marriage.

Instead, you want to dust yourself off and reintroduce yourself to the best version of yourself – the one that your spouse fell in love with. I’m not talking about the younger version. I know you can’t turn back time. I’m talking about the intriguing, engaging, open-hearted person who could not get or do enough for your now-spouse. The one with the easy laugh. The one who listened intently when they talked. The one who understood them.

Now, I know you may be thinking. “Well, what is this going to do for me? We’re on a break, so he won’t even see this.” I know that it seems this way, but I’ll bet you have mutual friends or you know where he hangs out (give this time though, don’t arrange to bump into him too soon). Believe me when I say, if you get out, have fun, and put a smile on your face (while maintaining your dignity and respect), he is going to find out.

Understand that you don’t need to overdo it. Stop yourself from flirting or dating other men to make him jealous, or playing the “I’m having fun and living my life” card too strongly. The part you’re playing is a wife who wants to save her marriage and who loves her husband very much, but who respects herself (and him) enough to make the best of the cards she’s dealt.

Eventually, for most people, this will start to work a little bit. The spouse will start to come around or try to find out just what you are up to. Don’t make the mistake of letting your guard down too soon. Show your spouse that the person they fell in love with is still here – and is here to stay, not just part of a master plan that is going to fall away as soon as the threat of divorce is removed. Always move more slowly than you want to and let them initiate the course of action. It’s best to have them be the one who wants more, while you are the one moving slowly.

When my husband wanted space, I grabbed hold more tightly.  Of course, this was the wrong call. Thankfully, I finally realized I was doing more harm than good and was able to change course using the tactics discussed here and save the marriage. You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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By: Leslie Cane: I almost never hear from wives who are completely on board and in agreement about a divorce. But, because of the articles I write, I can hear from the wives who want to stop the divorce and save the marriage, even when they are the only one who thinks that the marriage is worth saving. I also know that this is a difficult situation because you feel that you are on the outside looking in. At this point, it’s likely that your husband is limiting your access to him –  physically, emotionally, and mentally. So, it’s hard to get a foothold on what is the best course of action to stop or change his mind. You don’t have the same “in” that you did before all this divorce business came to light, so you’re left to muddle ahead on your own. In this article, I’ll give tips that I believe can actually work to save your marriage even when he’s made it very clear that he wants a divorce.

Understand That The Real Cause Of The Divorce Is Often Not What Either Of You Thinks That It Is: Husbands are notoriously bad communicators. It’s not uncommon for husbands to give you vague or short-syllable answers as to why they want to split up. Often, they will say things like “I just don’t want to be married anymore,” “I just want out,” “I’m just not happy,” or my personal favorite, “it’s not me, it’s you.”

And wives will often tell me, “If I can just figure out the exact reason why he wants the divorce, that would make all the difference because then I could address that problem head-on.” True, it might help. But, in my opinion, it’s very likely that it’s not the golden nugget or missing link that you think it is. Often, the “causes” of divorce are multifaceted, but they really all come down to one thing – the loss or lack of intimacy. Now, I know that sounds overly simplistic, but stay with me.

Remember when you were first dating or were at the best point in your relationship and “deeply in love”? Do you remember what you fought about? Probably not, and even if you do, I’d be willing to bet that any disagreements in and around this time were dealt with quickly and easily. How do I know this? Because two people in love don’t want to waste their time arguing or distancing themselves from each other. They want to spend more time generating the intimacy that they enjoy.

It’s only when this balance shifts and intimacy begins to wane that people cling to a sense of right or wrong or scorekeeping. And this, in turn, deteriorates feelings of closeness even more. It’s a vicious cycle that you must stop.

Getting The Intimacy Back When He Won’t Let You In: Women tell me that returning the intimacy makes complete sense to them, but they think that it is an impossible task because their husbands have distanced themselves, aren’t speaking to them, or won’t listen to anything they have to say.

Well, there is a way around this. But it will feel risky and foreign at first. What is required is that you completely change the message that he is choosing to tune out. And, you completely transform the person whom he feels he needs to block. In essence, you’re disarming him. You’re not giving up or surrendering. You’re buying yourself time and giving yourself access.

It works something like this. At a time when you are both calm, you validate your husband. Because up until this point, when you were trying to change his mind, he was reading this as you saying that he was wrong. As a result, he feared that you were trying to keep him from getting what he wanted. So, of course, he distanced himself as a defense mechanism. Now, you have to undo this.

You start by telling him that you’ve thought a lot about the state of your marriage, and you agree with him that it’s in serious trouble. You agree that you both deserve to be happy and to have better than this. You vow to help him get that, no matter what that means for your marriage. (Stay with me. This is ultimately going to help in the end.) Assure him that he is the most important person in your life and that you don’t want to part with unresolved issues and misunderstandings between you. Tell him straight out that you will no longer act in a way that isn’t going to allow this to be possible.

Now, it’s highly likely that he won’t believe any of this at first, and he may tell you as much. Just be calm and know that over time, he will come around as he sees that you are very serious.

Following Through With The Entire Plan: Now, in order for this to work, you have to always make good on what you said, and you have to always present your husband with the best version of yourself. Remember when I had you think back to when you were first dating? Do you remember the woman he first fell in love with? You should. She’s you. You know her intimately.  Many husbands desperately miss their wives’ light-hearted nature, open heart, attention, and the fact that their wives understood and appreciated them more than anyone else in the world.

Unfortunately, life is not very friendly to marriages. There are so many things that fight for our time and attention, and we often make the grave mistake of assuming that our husbands see these struggles and understand. Although they may well understand, this doesn’t lessen their disappointment when we put them, and our marriages, on the back burner.

But, before you can rescue your marriage, you must generate interest and get him receptive to you again. You do this by showing him glimpses of the woman that he would once jump through rings of fire for, but who he feared was gone forever. No, I’m not talking about the young girl with no wrinkles and no responsibilities. I’m talking about the person who laughed at his jokes, and listened intently when he talked, who valued him, and left no doubt as to what was the most important thing to her.

Now, you can’t be obvious about this, or just tell him that she’s back. Instead, you make sure that he sees this when he sees or hears about you. You get out there and have fun with your friends and/or you put this new you on full and convincing display if you have access to him.

I know that I am asking you to make many changes.  But you can take a gradual, methodical approach.  This is what I did – because my husband would not have bought so many changes at once.  Eventually, my tiny adjustments made all the difference.  We are still married today because of them. You can read that story at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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By: Leslie Cane: It would be nice if everyone agreed when divorce was on the table. But, in my experience, this is rarely the case. Often, one spouse wants and is pushing for the divorce while the other desperately wants to save the marriage. This was the case with me and with many of the readers who visit my blog. So I know first hand that this is a very difficult position to be in because you’re the odd man out, your heart is breaking, and you’re hearing conflicting advice. Your heart is telling you to fight for your marriage, while your head, some friends, and perhaps your attorney are telling you to protect both your assets and your heart. This article will not give legal advice regarding your divorce. Because I conducted tons of research when trying to change my husband’s mind about the divorce, my experience lies with saving marriages when you are the only one who wants to, by controlling what you can right now – yourself.

The Things You Must Do If You Want To Save Your Marriage: I realize that these tips may seem counter-intuitive and feel weird at first. But I need you to be on his side, to be aware of the image you are portraying, and to understand the current balance of power in your marriage. You also need to understand that doing what may feel right at this time (closing yourself off, engaging with your spouse, trying to make your spouse feel guilty, etc.) only pushes them further away and only speeds up the downward spiral you are on. Often, the things that feel good and like a release at the time are actually wrong. (Unfortunately, I learned this the hard way.)

You Need To Be On His Side: Let’s think about this for a second. You want a divorce, but he doesn’t. You’re on separate sides of the fence. If he wins, you lose your marriage. If you win, you’ve managed to strong-arm him into doing what he didn’t want to do. So, even in the best-case scenario, his heart isn’t really in it and the chances for long term success are not as good as they can be.

It’s better to jump on his side of the fence (or at least make him think that you are). Doing this alleviates the tension and ensures that he begins to give you more access to him. You want to present yourself as someone who doesn’t want a divorce, but who wants their spouse to be happy and who is willing to put your wishes aside (at least for now) to help him accomplish this. I know this may sound risky, but it is actually the only plan that allows everyone to get what they want, so that when the marriage is saved, you have the best chance of long-term success.

So, tell your spouse that you are hearing what they are telling you and that you respect their feelings. Explain that you agree that the marriage is not fulfilling for either of you and that you both deserve better than this. Promise that you will no longer engage in negative behaviors and confess that you, too, could use some space and time to work on yourself. I know this may sound difficult, but it’s important that you come off very convincing. At first, your spouse may not believe you, but eventually, they will as you show them that you are going to do exactly what you promised.

Know What Attributes Really Matter: It may be hard to hear, but I have to be honest. Right now, your spouse sees you in a negative light. When he thinks of you, he thinks of something that is lost and can’t be found. And, he thinks that things can’t or won’t change. So, you need to change both of these perceptions.

You need to remember and pinpoint exactly why he was attracted to you and which attributes most contributed to this. Most people will immediately think of things like physical attributes and chemistry. This is normal. But lasting marriages don’t value these things over all else. I’ll bet if you dig deeper, you’ll discover things like a sense of humor, honesty, and making your spouse feel important, desired, and appreciated. (Although looking and feeling your best is important too.) Ask yourself how often your spouse sees these attributes. The obvious answer is not enough.

I know that you may be thinking, “Well, it’s too late for this. We’re getting a divorce, so it won’t matter. I can act this way until I’m blue in the face, but he won’t see it.” I understand why you feel this way, but this is not necessarily true. I find that often, once you agree with your spouse and confess that you’d like some time for yourself, they will often wonder what is going on. So, they’ll keep one eye and ear open. I’m sure you have mutual friends, and I’m sure you know where they hang out. It’s so important that you polish yourself off, put a smile on your face, and get out there. You want your husband (or wife) to be aware that the vibrant, busy, and engaging person they fell in love with is still around.

Bringing Back The Balance Of Power: Probably the biggest misstep that I see people make is that even when these things start to work, they let their guards down. They find their spouses receptive again, and the relationship becomes lighter and more fun and then they let go of everything they were doing and revisit their old behaviors and mistakes of the past. They push for reassurances and commitments and scare the spouse away. So now your job is that much harder because your spouse will no longer believe you, and you have to go back to the drawing board. Always move very slowly. It’s better to leave them wanting more than to move too quickly.

Remember that your best-case scenario is that your spouse sees the open, honest, fun, lighthearted person that they first fell in love with and wants to spend more time with that person, while you play it cool and take it slow. Then, you’re at least an equal partner in this and are again on a level playing field. And, your relationship is steadily improving and moving forward.

When I was trying to stall my separation and avoid a divorce, I made many mistakes. I begged, argued, stalked, and engaged, but these tactics backfired. Thankfully, I finally realized I was doing more harm than good, and I got it together. You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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By: Leslie Cane: The women who visit my blog are often at the end of their rope. Often they say something like “I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried everything. I don’t want to beg, but I don’t know what else to do to save this marriage.” Let me disclose right up front that begging is absolutely the worst thing that you can do. You are already at a bit of a disadvantage if (at least right now) you are the only one who is 100% interested in saving the marriage. So, it would be a huge mistake to add fuel to the fire by begging or acting in a way that is beneath you. This will only make you appear more unattractive and more unstable anyway. In this article, I will give you alternatives that may work much better and retain your self-respect.

Call His Bluff, Sort Of: Often, a husband who is threatening divorce is trying to get a reaction from you. In truth, what many actually want more than anything is your attention, reassurance, affection, and appreciation. If you’ve been withholding these things from your husband (for whatever reason), now is the time to stop doing that. (But not in an obvious, desperate way.) And, give this time to work.

However, if your husband is still determined that he doesn’t want to save the marriage, the only option that you have here is to control what you can – yourself. Sit him down and tell him that you hear and respect what he is saying. Assure him that you have always wanted him to be happy, and that has not changed. Tell him that you don’t know what tomorrow will bring, but that you are committed to making sure that if you do part, it will not be on bad terms, as he is too important to you to allow that to happen. Vow that you will not engage in behaviors that will pull you further apart.

Now I know that you may be thinking that I just told you to “give in” or “give up.” This isn’t the case. You are doing this for a couple of reasons. First, you need your husband to understand that you are on his side and that you aren’t going to disrespect yourself and him by participating in negative behaviors like arguing, debating, engaging, or begging. Because of this, he will no longer need to avoid you, which is very important. You need at least some access to him for this plan to work.

Show Him Who He Wants To See From This Day Forward: It’s so important that you present your husband with the best version of yourself at all times during this process. You don’t want him to see a groveling, disheveled, desperate woman. You want him to see (and want) the woman that he first fell in love with. But he’s not going to believe that she is still present if all you do is tell him. You must show him instead.

Now, I know that perhaps he has left, but I’m sure that you have mutual friends, and I am sure you know where he is likely to be. Instead of wallowing in fear and negative feelings, you must dust yourself off, dress yourself up, and get yourself out there. You must focus on yourself and put a genuine smile on your face. I know this is not easy. It was not easy for me. But knowing that I respected myself enough to value my own needs helped pique my husband’s interest. And, seeing me dressed up, having fun, and pursuing my passions showed him glimpses of the woman he first loved.

Bringing It All Together: Hopefully, the picture is starting to become clear. Saving your marriage (when you are the only one who wants to) is really a two-step process. First, you must show your husband that you are capable (in a genuine way) of showing him the appreciation, affection, understanding, and respect that you did when you were first dating. (This is usually only the first step, and not enough if he’s dead set on leaving.) This may take a while. He may not believe it at first, but keep right on doing it. Just must make sure that it comes off as genuine and not game playing.

Second, you must show your husband that the woman he first fell in love with is still present. You have to be able to pinpoint exactly who she was and bring her back. Did he love your sense of humor? Your open heart? Your ability to understand him? Whatever it was, ask yourself how much he’s experiencing that now. Because to turn this around, he needs to experience it and know that it still exists and can be as good as he remembers.

Finally, you must respect yourself and know that giving him what he wants is going to get you what you want. But neither of you wants to choke down your self-respect to please the other.

I discarded my self-respect plenty initially.  I am sure that I appeared to be a desperate wreck.  Thankfully, I eventually got it together and found some tactics that worked. You can read that story at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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By: Leslie Cane: I often write articles on preventing a divorce and saving marriages. Many times, I’m contacted by people in difficult situations where the husband says he needs time or space and is considering leaving the home or initiating a separation and divorce. Some of the more common comments are things like, “He’s leaving because he says he needs space,” or “He says he needs time by himself to think about things,” or “He needs to be alone to decide if he wants to stay married.”

Understandably, such a request from a husband can put panic into the heart of a wife. Your brain immediately visits desperate places where you assume that his “needing space” means he’s going to leave you, and this is eventually going to lead to divorce. This can cause you to feel that you have to take immediate, drastic action and do whatever you need to do to keep him from walking out the door. I know that at the time, this feels like the right thing to do, but it is often not. Desperation and perpetuating negative emotions almost always push your husband further away and make your job harder in the end. (Unfortunately, I know this from experience.) I’ll discuss what I think is the best way to handle a husband who “needs space” in this article.

First, Try To See If You Can Give Him His “Space” Without His Needing To Leave: Before I get into this step, I want you to think about what happens to you when you have been thinking about something carefully, have weighed all of the options, and with a heavy heart, have come to a difficult decision. How do you respond when, after going through all of these difficult considerations, someone tries to tell you that you are wrong, make you feel guilty, or change your mind? I’d bet you’d not respond very favorably. No one likes to be told they are wrong. And, most people will only dig in their heels deeper and become even more determined.

So, you don’t want to tell your husband that he’s selfish or wrong about asking for the space. You want to validate him instead. Agree with him that some aspects of the marriage are troubling and could use drastic improvement. Tell him that you, too, could benefit from some space. Offer that both of you could take space by living separately for a while, but under one roof. Agree on boundaries, timelines, and rules that will work for both of your comfort levels. (I know this won’t be easy, but at least you will still have access to him.)

Sometimes, what is really happening when your husband is asking for space is that he’s trying to get a reaction from you. He’s not feeling appreciated, valued, or understood, and he really wants you to protest with things like, “Oh no, I don’t want you to go. I love you more than anything and couldn’t live without you.” In other words, he’s looking for reassurance that you are not indifferent to him or your marriage. So, if this is the case, offer him the reassurance he needs, but don’t disrespect yourself in the process.

How To Make An In-Home Separation Work (You Have To Actually Give The Space, With A Caveat:) Not every husband will agree with the arrangement where you’re living together but separately, but some will. The reason for staying under one roof is that you will still have access to your husband while you are living separately, but this plan CAN work if he moves out as well. (My husband did.)

Now, if your husband does take you up on this, you are absolutely going to have to make good on your promises. You should absolutely give him the space that he has asked for without hovering or constantly questioning him. But you should also take the same space for yourself. You should go out with friends, do whatever makes you happy, and portray yourself as a woman who loves her husband very much but who is taking full advantage of this time for herself. Why do you do this? Vibrant, independent women who respect themselves enough to keep growing and who respect their husbands enough to want them to be happy are so much more attractive and desirable than the wife who is constantly begging her husband not to leave or trying to guilt him or engage him with arguments.

If Your Husband Does Leave, Give Him The Space He’s Asked For, But Make Sure He Knows You’re Also Taking Your Own Space: Sometimes, despite your best efforts, your husband does leave. This does not have to be dire or lead to divorce. Sometimes, distance can be a very positive thing. First, the tension can’t help but lessen, and second, the silence and solitude will often give your husband a chance to miss you and see that he very likely overreacted.

While he’s having his space, don’t hover over him or make too many attempts to “check up” or “check in.” He’s asked for this, so give it to him. But make sure he knows that you’re doing the same. See your friends. Take up things you love to do. Remain upbeat, open, and vibrant, and make sure he knows and sees this.

What typically happens here is that the husband sees the woman he first fell in love with – the happy, open-hearted, laid-back, fun, loving, and exciting woman who first caught his eye. And, when this happens, it suddenly hits him like a ton of bricks that he’s pushed her away. At this point, he may well begin to initiate more contact or say he’s finished with his space. But move slowly. Let him be the initiator, and know that men are extremely attractive to women who are just out of reach and who respect themselves enough to make sure they are equal parties in the equation.

When my husband wanted to leave, I was the desperate, panicked woman I just told you not to be. These tactics backfired. Thankfully, I finally realized I was doing more harm than good and was able to change course to save the marriage. You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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