Do I Need to Back Off During My Separation So That My Husband Comes Back to Me? Backing Off, Yes. Ignoring, No.

By: Leslie Cane: I once spoke with a wife who had just begun a separation from her husband.  This was a very difficult time for her, and she wasn’t sure how she should proceed or act in the days ahead.  She missed her husband and wanted to retain regular contact with him.  It was unbearable for her not to know what he was doing or if he was OK. However, she’d been advised to keep her distance and to give him the time to miss her so that he would eventually come back home.  She wanted to know if this advice was correct because she was afraid if she backed off, she might lose him.  I will share with you what I told her in the following article.

The Whole Purpose Of A Separation: Most people would agree that the whole idea of a marital separation is to give both people the time and distance to reflect on the relationship and whether it can be saved. This is why people separate rather than just move forward with a divorce. Theoretically, there is hope that the time apart will affirm their affection for and commitment to each other.  This happens because, since they are not together constantly, some of the tension and problems will lessen and come into perspective.

However, if you insist on being together or at least being “in touch” constantly, then the separation is not working and progressing as it is supposed to.  So, the lessening of tension and perspective is not as likely to happen.  In fact, you might well hurt your cause rather than help it.  Rather than moving back toward you, he may feel compelled to move further away from you in an attempt to get the time and distance that he had originally hoped to get.  I know that keeping your distance can be heart-wrenching when there is so much up in the air and so much uncertainty, but it will be worth it in the end.

Keeping Yourself From Hovering When You Are Separated:  You may well know intellectually that you should keep your distance and back off, but try explaining this to your heart.  That’s a whole different story, isn’t it? You feel a pull toward him, and you panic thinking about what he’s doing and how he perceives the relationship right now. But, I promise, overreaching and overstepping, although both can feel right at the time, is almost never the right call.  It makes him feel suffocated.  It makes him feel as though you aren’t respecting his request. It makes him feel as though he might want to take the next step to get the distance that you aren’t willing to give him.

So, do whatever is necessary to keep yourself in check.  Take a trip away so that you aren’t in close enough proximity to hover. Go out with friends. Take a class.  Dive into a hobby.  Do whatever it takes to give yourself some distance as well.  I know that it may feel wrong at first.  I know that you will not enjoy it as much as you should.  But, it really is for the greater good, and it is necessary.

Creating A Sense Of Scarcity: Always keep in mind that something that seems scarce and not as readily available is much, much more attractive to a man. A busy woman who is moving forward and can take care of herself will seem to be a much better deal than one who is clinging onto him and being dragged along because he can’t shake her.  Always ask yourself how you appear and how you are being perceived.

The Difference Between Backing Off And Pretending: That doesn’t mean that you should pretend that you don’t care.  That doesn’t mean that you posture so much that you ignore your spouse. You both know that you care very much, and there is no real need to deny or hide this fact.  But, he’s asked for some time apart, so that is precisely what you should give him.  If you must contact him, send a quick text to just tell him that you are thinking about him, and then let that be enough.  You want to give him the space to wonder, with some longing, exactly what you are up to.

That’s not to say that you can’t display the best sides of yourself that he has perhaps not seen in some time.  But, show him glimpses rather than full scenes, and allow him to be the pursuer when you can.  This is so much more effective than always being the one initiating the contact.  Because when you do, even if he does comply, you’ll both know that he wasn’t driving the car and that his heart is really not yet in it.

It was my husband, not me, who wanted space and the separation. Unfortunately, I drew on negative emotions rather than positive ones. This seriously backfired. Thankfully, I realized that I did need to back off.  And this eventually worked – eventually.  You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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He Wants His Space, But You Want Him Back? Tips For Understanding The Best Way To Play This

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes speak with wives and girlfriends who aren’t sure if (or how) to give their husbands and boyfriends “space” or some time apart.  The most common fear of complying with this request is that if you let him go, he’s going to determine that he actually likes being apart and will not come back.  This fear can keep your paralyzed, afraid to act, or tempted to just hold on that much tighter.

You may well know that these things don’t help your cause, but it’s so hard not to give in to your feelings of fear.  The following article will offer tips and advice to help you play this in the correct way, which will bring him closer to you rather than further away.

Understanding Why He May Want The Space:  Most women assume that he wants the space as a way to sort of ease into the separation. We theorize that he’s trying to slowly get us to accept that we are about to split up.  Or, he’s trying to have his cake and eat it too, or to test the waters to see if and how he can make it as a single guy.

Now, this is true for some men, but if this is the case, you would probably see this type of behavior from him long before the “space” talks actually started to happen.  Sometimes, a man just wants some time and space to himself to think about his life, his relationships, and what he can do to make all of these things better.  For whatever reason, he does not feel that this is possible or is going to flow naturally if he is sharing his space, 24 /7, with you. His thinking may be incorrect, but that is where his thoughts are taking him at this time.

Why Trying To Talk Him Out Of What He’s Asked For Is Usually The Wrong Way To Play This: Many women will debate with him as to why his thinking is wrong.  You might tell him that he can evaluate the relationship with you present, or that you are more than willing to talk things out with him, or that you’ll stay in the spare bedroom while he sorts things out.   Some women will even argue that he is being selfish or is incorrect in his perceptions. Don’t be surprised if he doesn’t willingly embrace this thinking.  He’s generally going to be smart enough to know that you’re trying to talk him out of what he has asked for.

Now, if you can get him to accept “space” within your own home, go for it. (I think that this is the gold standard if you can get him to agree.) But, make sure that you actually give him space, that you don’t hover, and that you make yourself scarce.  You, too, could probably use some time to reflect as well.

The Best Way To Handle A Request For Space: Here is what I have found to be the best-case scenario.  Rather than arguing that he’s selfish or wrong to ask for time away, your goal should be for him to think of you positively when he is away from you.  Now, let’s think about this. Is he likely to think of you positively if you tell him that he is wrong, cling to him on his way out, and threaten him that if he walks out, he should not dare to come back? Or, are you better off telling him that you want him to be happy, that you support him, and that you can use this time for your own benefit?

You want to present yourself as someone who loves him, wants the two of you to have the most mutually positive and healthy relationship as is possible, and who has enough self-respect to put your own needs as high as you would put his.  Do not degrade yourself or beg or follow or dwell.  Tell him that you are available if he wants to talk or needs support, but stress that you are going to use this time as well.

Know What He Will Perceive As Attractive: Keep yourself busy and strong.  Go out with your supportive friends.  Focus on bringing positive things into your life. Do whatever it is that is going to make you feel good about yourself and to help you enjoy your life.  When you feel the tug to call, visit, or engage with him, distract yourself with something else.  Because each time you give in like this, you weaken yourself and you make yourself look just a little bit worse in his eyes.  Men truly are attracted to confident, self-respecting women.  Ask yourself how you would look to yourself if the roles were reversed.

If you’re being honest, would you want him to grovel, continue to call, and engage and argue if you were the one who wanted space? What would be most likely to make you want to come back? I firmly believe that the answer is someone who is supportive, yet confident, loving, yet self-respecting, and accommodating yet busy.  I know that making this seem genuine is asking for you to do a bit of acting.  But the end result will almost always be worth it. Because when he comes back, he will do so willingly.

How do I know all of this? Because I groveled, debated, and nagged when my own husband wanted space.  Do you think this was the right way to play it?  Nope.  But I eventually saved my marriage through research, learning new skills, and dumb luck. You can read that story by clicking here or visiting http://isavedmymarriage.com

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Want To Repair Your Marriage? Why You Shouldn’t Use The Word “Repair” When You Want To Fix Your Marriage. Here’s What To Say Instead.

By: Leslie Cane I’m all about preventing divorce and stale marriages through positive means, but I have to tell you, I cringe when I hear the phrase “repairing a marriage.”  When you vocalize that you want to “repair your marriage,” it’s as if you view your marriage as a rusty, broken-down car that’s been neglected in an overgrown yard.  It’s just not a good visual or even a positive psychological prompt.  The mental image one gets here is both of you punching in the time clock and readying yourselves for the difficult job ahead.  Don’t get me wrong, fixing your marriage will take work.  But, both of you see it as drudgery or a job for which you’re not getting paid, which may affect your attitude and your expectations going into the process, which is the last thing you need.

I believe that it’s better to come up with an alternative phrase, even if you’re the only one thinking it.  Because it’s extremely important that you both get excited about and committed to the road ahead, I’ll discuss this more in the following article.

Sure, You Want To Repair Your Marriage But Present The Process As Something More Appealing:  So, I’ve made it very clear that the mental image of “repairing a marriage” is already causing you an uphill climb.  You likely know your spouse very well, and you know the terminology that’s going to motivate him or her.  Think about how you’re going to present this process to them.  For example, rather than saying “honey, we really need to buckle down and repair our marriage,” many men will be more drawn to “honey, I’d like to put some excitement back in our marriage.  I want it to be smoking hot again.”  Yeah, you may stumble just thinking about those words, but I’m sure that it’s pretty clear which one will get you the better response.  It really just depends on the personality of your spouse.  Some people will respond more to “I want us to be emotionally close and intimate again.” You know your spouse.  Use the terminology that is most likely to work.

Actually, this blueprint was probably drawn when you were first dating and falling in love. This is where and when the unspoken rules were written.  You came to know what drove your partner, what things they responded to best, and you likely played up the things that gave you a positive response and downplayed those things that gave you a negative one.  You were able to do this so well, and you mastered the rules of the game so much that you fell deeply in love.  I know this was possibly a long time ago, but I bring it up because I want you to know there is a foundation and an advantage here.  You’ve already been down this same path.  You know what wins your spouse’s heart and what frustrates them. Use that knowledge to your advantage.

Positive Feelings First, The Hard Work Second:  Here is where most people get it wrong.  They gather their courage to ask their partner to “repair” the marriage, and then they dissect every issue, every flaw, and every place where the two of you just aren’t connecting.  It’s no wonder that many spouses will only be lukewarm to this process.  No one wants to take a look at how bad things really are or how far apart you’ve come.  This will only make the mountain seem like a long, hard climb.

It’s so much better to delay the tough things until the two of you are connecting and participating in giving and taking once more.  So, in the beginning, don’t stretch the process too much.  Don’t apply too much pressure or paint the picture too darkly.  Focus, little by little, on just reestablishing the connection and creating a deeper intimacy.  I know that this won’t happen instantaneously.  It took time to lose it, and it will take time to build it back again.  But just break it down day by day.  Focus on doing fun things together that you will both enjoy and want to do again.  Focus on building anticipation and looking forward to precious moments with your spouse.

Don’t Expect Too Much Too Soon: A lot of people will place a lot of pressure on this process.  And, when they do this, things will feel “awkward.”  There will be shuffling silences and scary pauses.  And, many people will make the mistake of thinking that the “spark is gone,” or “we have no chemistry left.”  This often isn’t the case.  What has happened is that you’ve expected too much and applied too much pressure.  Maybe going on a week-long trip with no diversions immediately is just too much.  But a walk in the park one day and a night out for coffee another will leave both of you feeling reconnected.

Some of my readers tell me that it sounds as if I’m asking them “to dance around the problems.”  I’m really not.  But, I know from experience and through research that most people are going to be a whole lot more motivated to sit down and roll up their sleeves when the payoff that they are getting in return is worth it.  If your spouse is first deeply bonded to you and knows that you’ve repeatedly taken the time and effort to become close to them and share fun, bonding experiences, they’re going to be a whole lot more receptive to what you have to say and to repairing the marriage.  When two people fall in love again, the rest will fall into place a whole lot easier.

When I was trying to repair my own marriage, I too had it backward. I tried to do the work before the bond was restored. This backfired in a big way. Thankfully, I changed my tactics and saved the marriage. You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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How To React When You Love Your Husband But He Doesn’t Love You Back: Strategies With The Highest Chance Of Success

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes speak with wives who feel that their husbands either don’t love them enough or don’t love them at all.  I hear comments like “he doesn’t love me nearly as much as I love him,” or “I love him very much, but he doesn’t love me back,” or “if only it was enough that I adore him, but he doesn’t return the feelings and I feel like I’m in the marriage alone.”

Sometimes, this is just the wife’s perception based on how her husband acts and based on the vibe that he gives off.  Other times, the husband has either alluded to or flat-out told the wife that he is no longer “in love” with her.  This places the wife in a very difficult situation. Obviously, what she’s been doing hasn’t been working, but she doesn’t want to make matters worse by taking the wrong tactic. She doesn’t know if she should hold back or show even more affection or attention.  I understand this catch-22 because I’ve been standing square in the middle of it.  I’ll tell you what my research (and my experience) indicate works in this situation.

Can You “Make” Him Love You?: I used to think that if I was able to come up with the correct words, or happened to take the appropriate actions, I could then “make” my husband have a change of heart.  What I didn’t understand at the time is that men absolutely hate to feel like they are being manipulated or that you think they aren’t intelligent or perceptive enough to know that you’re putting on a little show.  Anything that you do has to be absolutely genuine and should not feel forced.

With that said, there is a definite strategy involved. While you can’t “make” someone love you, your actions can elicit feelings of connectedness and affection.  And frankly, I believe that there isn’t a whole lot of difference.  Don’t get caught up in the semantics of what he’s saying: (“I really do adore you, but I’m not ‘in love’ with you,”) so much as the vibe, actions, and feelings that are bouncing between you. Because at the end of the day, it is absolutely human nature to move toward what makes you feel good and positive and to move away from what makes you feel negative.  This is sometimes unconscious, but it’s just how it is.  So no matter what words he is using to verbalize it, the truth is that he’s moving away from you and the marriage because he perceives both as negative, as unable to be fixed, or undesirable.  This is what you must change, no matter what words you use to define it.

Finding His Pay Off To Ellicit Feelings Of Love:  The truth of the matter is, everyone follows their perceived pay off like a rabbit follows a carrot. And a man’s payoff is typically feeling like he’s on top.  Men want to feel confident, worthy, competent, smart, and that they are getting the best of what life has to offer.  They don’t like to settle, so don’t present yourself as something that is less than the best that they can get.

When you interact with your husband, ask yourself if the person you are presenting is reading as a payoff or a consolation prize.  I know that this sounds harsh, and I don’t mean for it to, but I believe that you must be honest about the situation in order to come up with the best solution to turn it around.  And, honestly, men tell me all the time that a wife who is groveling, begging, or following them around trying to change their mind is not what they really want out of life.  So, where does this leave you? Most likely changing course.  And that’s OK.  It’s better to stop what is no longer working than to keep walking down a path that leads to nowhere.

Presenting What Your Husband Really Wants (You Have Knowledge Of What It Is): The truth is, you know what attracts your husband because you’ve already had this magical combination when you were dating.  Admittedly, you are both likely two very different people today.  However, there were things about you that deeply attracted him.  This is different for everyone, but surprisingly, men often cite very similar things to me – enthusiasm, a sense of humor, a laid back attitude, an open heart, a deep commitment, caring deeply about his happiness, and understanding him like no other, and loving him fiercely anyway.  I can tell you for a fact that men rarely tell me, “I love my wife because she is young, beautiful, and sexy.”  These are not the attributes that they cite, so don’t use the excuse of “I’m not young and pretty anymore.”  This doesn’t matter as much as you may think.

What they really want is someone who is confident, alluring, and someone who “gets him.”  They want a woman who could get by just fine without him, but wants him anyway. So, don’t degrade yourself.  Tell him that you’re sorry that he feels the way that he does.  Calmly explain that you love him and want him to be happy, but you can’t control his feelings either way.  You can control how you act, and for your part, you want to be happy as well, and you don’t think you can be truly happy if you know that you two are not interacting as positively as you can.  So, you’re not going to argue or conduct yourself in negative ways.  Then, turn your attention to what makes YOU happy and to YOUR payoff.

Many people will say, “Well you just told me not to be subservient, but now you’ve told me to make all these concessions.”  True, but the concessions do a lot for your situation.  They let him know that he doesn’t have to avoid you because he fears more of the same.  And you set the stage for some serious changes.  You’re also putting into motion the change of perceptions that very much need to happen.  Trust me when I say that it is necessary.

In the days that come, you might have some challenges keeping this up.  But always stop yourself if you find that you’re reverting back to old behaviors.  Always keep your eye on what you really must do.  Ask yourself if you’re hurting your cause or helping it.  Because if you do this correctly, you’ll find him somewhat intrigued by what is causing these changes.  And that’s when the perception starts to change.  You must build on this because this is where he’ll begin to see you as the payoff he’s seeking rather than what he’s trying to escape.

Without a doubt, I loved my husband much more than he loved me once upon a time. We were on the verge of divorce when he finally admitted this to me. I reacted quite badly and made many of the mistakes discussed in this article. Thankfully, I did not continue down that path. You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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My Husband Left And Says He Doesn’t Want To Be With Me Anymore: Reading Between The Lines To Understand What This Really Means

By: Leslie Cane: I once spoke with a wife who told me that she was beside herself because her husband had just told her that “he didn’t want to be with me anymore.”  I had to ask if this meant he didn’t want to be with her sexually, didn’t want to be with her as her husband, or just didn’t want to be in the same room with her from here on out.  She said that she didn’t really know, but that she assumed that he meant all of the above.  He had basically told her this and then left their home, so she had no way to know what was going to happen next.

In these sorts of situations, there are a few ways that you can go.  Many women will panic and will track him down and/or demand answers or explanations.  They will try to convince him that there’s no reason to act this rashly, and they’ll try to beg, threaten, or lure him back. These negative tactics will often backfire, and the husband will want to be with you even less as a result.  There’s a better way, which I will discuss more in the following article.

Understand That This “Not Wanting To Be With You” Can Be The Result Of Several Things:  Very often, men will project what is going wrong in their lives onto their marriage and their wives.  So, if he’s not performing at work, has personal issues that are causing him stress, or feels that he’s come up short in some way, he’ll often look around and think that his life just stinks in general. He’ll project this onto you, and the only thing that you can really do here is to prove him wrong by acting with dignity and grace.  Often, if you wait this out, he will come to his senses and be all apologies.

Other times, there truly is a valid reason (at least in his mind) for his wanting out.  Perhaps he doesn’t feel that the intimacy is there.  Maybe he’s been requesting changes or improvements for some time and he feels that nothing improves.  Maybe he feels that sexual attraction is no longer there.  Maybe he has developed a negative perception of marriage.  Whatever the reason, you will have to change these perceptions of you and the marriage if you want to save it.

His Perceptions About Attraction, Sexual Chemistry And A Suspicion That You Have Nothing In Common:  Many men in this situation initially resist their wives’ attempts to change their mind or get them to come home because they feel that the spark just isn’t there, that you no longer have anything in common, and although they love the person that their wife is, they are no longer “in love” with her.

After a little bit of dialogue back and forth, it’s easy to see what’s really happening.  In a few words, he feels neglected.  He remembers how his wife used to look at him with stars in her eyes and a spring in her step.  He remembers when she couldn’t keep her hands off of him or do enough for him.  And now, he sees someone who is always too busy, or someone who just passes him with a quick glance, or who only does the bare minimum, or goes through the motions.

I’m not being accusatory or describing your personal situation, I’m just telling you what men tell me.  As unfair as it might be, this is how they perceive it most of the time.  Women tell an entirely different story.  They will say things like: “Doesn’t he see how hard I’m working? Doesn’t he see how many things I’m trying to juggle? I’m doing the very best I can, but I don’t need someone else to parent or take care of me. He’s an adult, for goodness sake.  I shouldn’t have to babysit him 24 / 7.”

Men do know this intellectually, but that doesn’t keep them from wanting more. They, too, are juggling different things, and they want to come home and feel appreciated, understood, and desired every bit as much as you do.  But, they don’t want to say this and feel needy and pitiful, so they will pull away instead.

And, the more you appear that you can’t live without them, that you’d do anything to make them stay, that you’d put their needs before your own and not have any give and take, the less attractive you appear.  I realize that this seems like a contradiction, but this is how it is.  Confidence is very sexy and very attractive to men.  Because deep in their hearts, they want a confident, in-control woman who has everything going for her and could have anyone else – but she’s chosen him. She understands him – flaws and all – and she wants him anyway.

Moving From Point A To Point B: OK, let’s break this down.  If you want to save your marriage, you have to move from where you are now (point A – where he doesn’t want you) and take a quick and decisive step toward point B (where he changes his mind and sees you as desirable rather than undesirable).  This is obviously going to take some doing.  But one thing is for certain.  You must change his perception, and you can’t do that if you’re flinging things at him that cause negative reactions.  You must conduct yourself in a way that you can be proud of. Remain calm and tell him that you’re sorry to hear what he’s saying, but you hear it all the same. Tell him that you want him to be happy, so you’re not going to argue or engage with him.  Then, go right about acting in the way that attracted him in the first place.

Make clear that you want to save your marriage, but also make clear that you respect yourself enough to know that you can handle whatever comes your way and that you, too, deserve happiness.  Go about ensuring that you’re doing as well as you can. Go out with your coworkers and friends.  Keep yourself looking good and make sure he knows that you’re not sitting at home with bonbons and tissues. Often, this alone will turn his head, at least somewhat.  And, when it does, you must be willing and able to keep right on going until you’ve completely changed the perceptions that stand in your way.

When my husband told me that he didn’t want me anymore, I made many of the mistakes discussed in this article. And I absolutely panicked when he left. I stalked, begged, threatened, tried to overcompensate, and acted very badly. Needless to say, this made things worse. Thankfully, I changed strategies and saved the marriage. You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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How Do I Make My Husband Love Me Back? This Advice and These Tips May Help You Figure Out The Best Approach

By: Leslie Cane It’s hard to ignore the signs that your husband has checked out of the marriage or is pulling away from you. I sometimes speak with wives who outline several different behaviors – lack of physical affection, spending less time at home, distancing themselves from the family, being overly critical or her or their life together, or just a general but undeniable feeling that something is “off.”

Many of the wives will preface the conversations with something like “maybe I’m just being too sensitive,” or “maybe I’m over-reaching or imagining it.” I always tell these women that it is best to listen to what your instincts are telling you and take the action that would improve the situation than to do nothing, only to find out later that you were absolutely right, but it is too late. (The worst-case scenario here is that you’re wrong, but your marriage is better.) In the following article, I’ll outline ways that you can encourage your husband to return the love that you once shared.

Getting To The Core Of The Problem: It’s not entirely necessary, but it’s helpful if you can get some insight into why this shift is happening. This way, you can come at the problem with an eye on what your husband is really needing or wanting. Is he under a great deal of stress at work? Is he feeling inadequate or insecure about something? Is he not being fulfilled? Obviously, your goal is ultimately to be his safe haven, the place where he is accepted, appreciated, and loved. It’s easier to provide this if you have some insight into what is going on with him.

Sometimes, though, this is much easier said than done. Sometimes, men can’t even articulate these issues to even themselves. They’re not very good at analyzing the situation, much less effectively communicating this to you. Two things that you should look at first is rebuilding intimacy and connectedness and bumping up communication. Almost every marital issue comes back to these two things. If both partners are deeply connected, then very little is going to be able to shake them, and any problems that crop up are easier to handle as both people know that the other has their back and only wants their happiness and fulfillment.

Are You Playing This Wrong?: Sometimes, there are two extremes that I see wives take that backfire. The first is what I call being completely over accommodating. This is the wife who feels her husband slipping away and panics. So, she overcompensates and comes on much too strong. She’s in her husband’s face and following him around and barraging him with questions. Rather than feeling supported, the husband feels smothered, and now in addition to whatever else he’s dealing with, he suddenly has a needy wife who’s putting on a show and not being genuine. I understand the thinking behind this tactic because I tried this myself. But, ultimately, I learned that not being genuine or coming on too strong is not at all attractive to men. They want a wife who respects herself and knows that taking care of her husband means also taking care of herself.

The second tactic that I see backfiring is the wife who will mirror the distance. She’ll think, “Well, he’ll eventually come around, and when he does, he can let me know. I’m not going to go out of my way for him when I’m getting nothing in return.” So, what you’re getting are two people who are avoiding each other and becoming more and more distant. The awkwardness and the tension build while things are only getting worse.

Hopefully, it’s obvious now that I think the best way to approach this is a happy medium between these two. You don’t want to be the “yes wife,” but you certainly don’t want to turn your back on your husband.

Using Positive Rather Than Negative Reinforcement: Fair warning. What I’m about to tell you may read like parenting a kid or training a dog, and I don’t mean for it to be that way. But, it’s a universal truth that people respond better to positive rather than negative reinforcement. If you bring your husband’s attention to how unhappy you are and what he’s seemingly doing wrong, you’re not likely to get a good response.

It’s better to come at him from the stance of “I want you to be happy, and I notice that you aren’t. What can I do to make this better for you?” Now, he’s probably not going to come out and list it for you. He probably can’t communicate well enough to do that. But, I’ve researched this with many honest men and I can tell you that what they want is an unbiased ear, unwavering support, repetitive appreciation, and a good deal of affection, time, and attention. They also want to have fun like you did when you were first dating.

So, don’t come at him serious and grave. Come at him from a place of loving concern, with a smile, an intimate gesture, and a laugh. Truly, you already know what it takes to make your husband love you very much. You’ve pulled this off before. But, you have more responsibilities now, and it’s more of a challenge to take the time and effort. However, you must do this to get back the connection that you had before.

Finally, you need to act “as if.” What I mean by that is to act “as if” your husband has already given you what you want. When you catch him showing you some emotion, tell him how good it feels. If you want him to make more time for you, make more time for him. If you want a compliment once in a while, start throwing compliments his way. Eventually, he’s going to begin to be more fulfilled and nicer to be around, and he’s going to begin modeling these things back to you.

Unfortunately, I almost waited too long to change my actions and my words when I felt my husband’s love slipping away. Making things better took a 380-degree turnaround on my part, but it was so worth it. I was eventually able to return the love and save the marriage. You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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What to Do When Your Husband is Not Affectionate. How To Get Him To Stop Withdrawing

By: Leslie Cane: I often write about saving marriages. So I’ve dialogued with some wives who are afraid that their husband’s lack of affection and verbal and non-verbal reassurance is a sign that their husband has “fallen out of love” with them, has checked out of the marriage, or that severe marital problems are on the horizon. These concerns are understandable. Often, it’s very obvious that there is a change in the level of intimacy and affection and this just feels plain wrong, despite the excuses that your husband may give about things like stress, being busy, being distracted, or even pat excuses like “it’s not you, it’s me.” In the following article, I’ll go over some of the more common reasons that displays of affection lessen and what you can do to change this.

Things That Can Contribute To A Lack Of Affection: In some rare cases, there are husbands who have never shown much affection, even in the early stages of dating. However, it’s more common that your husband couldn’t keep his hands off of you when you were dating, and rarely gives you a second glance now. Or, if you ask for more affection or reassurance, you get the vibe that he thinks that you are “high maintenance,” “needy,” or nagging. You don’t want to come across as any of these, but affection is typically a direct result of intimacy and connection. When people feel connected and deeply bonded, it’s normal to want to express this in physical ways. So, if the affection is starting to wane, then it’s highly likely that intimacy and closeness is also taking a hit as well. (When intimacy goes, you are in trouble.  I learned this the hard way.)

It’s very common for women to assume that their husband’s not being affectionate means that they don’t find them attractive. You really shouldn’t assume this because it often isn’t true. Believe it or not, men are often more attracted to how you make them feel than how you look. Granted, it’s always necessary to look your best. You want to show your husband that you care about him enough to look nice for him, but men are often more concerned that their wife appreciates them, give them the attention that they need, the respect they want, and the time that is needed to feel connected. They want to feel that you understand them deeply and love them fiercely just the same. It may seem petty to us, but they want to be as important to us as our children, our friends, and our other obligations. They want us to look at them with adoring eyes and receive them with open hearts. In truth, they want the same things as we do – to feel valued.

How To Get Your Husband To Show You More Affection And Less Withdrawal: This is really a slippery slope because if you start to bug your husband about how he is letting you down or not doing enough, you’re going to come across as nagging and he’s going to experience negative emotions and pull away even more. This is obviously not what you want.

A better way to approach this is to model the behavior that you want. If you want more spontaneous gestures like hand-holding, back rubbing, face cupping, etc., then take the initiative and start doing these things to him. (Not in a fake way. He will see through this. You must get to a genuine place and work from there.) If you want your husband to appreciate you more, begin by telling him how grateful you are for all the things that he does. If you want him to take the initiative romantically, begin by taking the initiative yourself.

Now, I know that you may be thinking that I’m asking you to do all of the work. This is true at first. But, by doing these things, you’re going to begin to restore some of the intimacy and closeness. Always try to focus on creating positive, light-hearted fun interactions. Nothing is as attractive as laughter and fun times. I’m sure that you experienced this when you were dating your husband. Yes, life becomes more complicated. Yes, there is more stress today. But you want to be your husband’s light in the storm, his safe place where he can escape to feel and be better.

Because if you can restore these things, then he is going to act more like the guy who first fell in love and was happy and fulfilled. I’d be willing to bet that this guy was very affectionate when he was first courting you. The two of you were experiencing (and exchanging) positive feelings, which brought on displays of affection and wanting to be close to one another. It’s very important that you return to this place. And as it seems that he’s not in any hurry to start, it’s up to you. Treat him how you would like to be treated, and eventually, I’d be willing to bet that he will return the favor.

When my husband began withdrawing affection, I did not pay close enough attention, and it almost cost me my marriage. I did not understand these principles and I stooped to negative behavior.  My husband’s reaction was a strong motivator for me to change strategies, which eventually worked. You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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How To Reconcile With Your Husband After A Separation By Understanding (And Acting On) The Power Of Distance

By: Leslie Cane: It would be nice if reconciling a marriage were an easy task, with both parties committed and confident that it is possible to work things out. But this isn’t always the case. Most people who visit my site are wives (and sometimes husbands) who are either trying to save the marriage alone or who are at the very least doing most of the work. This is often a difficult situation because emotions run high, and you can start to feel that you’re running out of time as you imagine (or actually feel) your husband slipping away from you. It’s way too easy to allow this to be the perfect storm for actions that you wouldn’t normally take or behavior that you wouldn’t normally participate in — actions that will eventually prove to do more harm than good. In the following article, I’ll share with you things that I’ve seen work over and over again in reconciling a marriage. Fair warning, though. At first, these things may seem to be a leap of faith or difficult, but they are (at least in my experience) the only way to ensure that both parties are equally on board.

Understand That Sometimes Distance Can Be A Good Thing: It’s perfectly natural to feel that you need to resolve the serious issues in your marriage immediately. When your marriage feels like it is in serious jeopardy, it’s very common to want an immediate fix. The problem with this though is that often things didn’t fall apart overnight so they aren’t going to be repaired overnight either. So many people want to talk their problems to death until their spouse becomes so tired of hearing the same old thing that they begin to tune them out. Sometimes, when you just keep talking and making the same points, not only does your spouse stop listening, but he begins to want to escape. This is the opposite of what you want.

Instead, understand that sometimes an emotional pause and a rational calm are needed. Of course, knowing that your spouse wants a break or split feels awful and even final. But, don’t allow this fear to make you panic and engage in negative behaviors that are only going to dig a deeper hole. Try to make sure that you are acting rationally and calmly in every interaction. Sometimes, this requires a pause in interactions. Whether that is agreeing that you’ll revisit the issue after you both have had some time and space, or whether that means that one of you will leave the home for a finite period, understand that a break doesn’t always mean the end or that things are deteriorating. Sometimes, time and distance allow the tension to ease, allows both parties to miss one another, and allow each person to take a good look in the quiet of the storm to see the reality of the situation.

Make Sure Your Husband Knows That You Want The Same Things: Husbands overwhelmingly tell me that the reason they ask for a divorce often has the most to do with a lack of or a lessening of intimacy. In short, he no longer feels that you understand, value, or appreciate him. So many men tell me that their wives put them at the end of their to-do list, behind the kids, behind the job, behind the friends. After a while, the connection disappears until your husband can no longer envision it returning. Thus, his need for space.

If you want to reconcile with your husband, you need to understand that your first goal will be to show him that you hear him clearly, that you very much care about what he is saying, that you are committed to helping him get what he wants and that the interactions that he has with you are going to be positive rather than negative. This may seem like a tall order, but you can break this down into smaller steps and take things day by day.

Your first goal should be to set the stage for positive things to come. You’ll want to sit your husband down and explain that although you can’t predict the future and you don’t want to burden things with heavy expectations, you do have the ability to control the actions and reactions that you are contributing. Vow that you only want to engage in positive behaviors and interactions. Reiterate that your husband is one of the most important people in your life and you’re committed to interacting with him in a way that you can both be proud of. Agree that things are in serious disrepair and you’d like to work with him to greatly improve the situation. You ultimately may not be able to save your marriage, but you can salvage the relationship and you want to focus on the positive rather than the negative.

Now, you and I both know that your whole goal here is to reconcile and save the marriage, but you don’t want to lay these cards on the table and put too much pressure on your husband. All that he needs to know right now is that you aren’t going to nag, argue, engage, or allow negative things between you. This will eventually help to greatly ease the tension. Once he knows that he doesn’t have to be on full alert for all of the negative things that have been going down, he’ll likely be much more receptive to what you have to say.

Always Keep Things Light And Positive: I know that it may seem backward when I say this, but now is not the time to have deep discussions about what is wrong with your marriage and how you’re going to fix things. That will need to come later, but not now. Right now, all you need to worry about is keeping things upbeat, pleasurable, and positive. When your husband first fell in love with you, I’d be willing to bet that you were happy-go-lucky, laid back, and engaging. You want to show this person to him again, without the pressure of worrying about where it is all going. You want to have one positive encounter after another, where you’re both left with open smiles on your faces and open to having more interactions with greater frequency.

And, you want to take things slowly. Don’t ask where it is all going, and don’t demand reassurance or commitments right now. Just focus on allowing your husband to become reacquainted with the woman he first fell in love with. Don’t thwart this by moving too soon, making demands, or allowing fear to take over. Just focus on rediscovering the things that drew you together in the first place.

How do I know all this? Because I have lived it. I had to use the same methods to save my own marriage. I made a lot of mistakes at first that almost cost me dearly, but I was able to change course. Luckily, over time (and by taking slow, calculated baby steps), I was able to reestablish intimacy and prevent the divorce, even though I was the only one who wanted to at the time. You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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He Wants a Divorce – Advice For Wives Who Need To Change Their Stance To Set The Stage For Reconciliation

By: Leslie Cane: It’s not unusual for wives to say something like this: “Help. My husband wants a divorce, and I don’t. I want to save the marriage, but he won’t cooperate. How can I change his mind when he won’t listen to me?” There are a lot of underlying questions within this one. What the person really wants to know is if you can save your marriage single-handedly, even if you are the only one who wants to right now? And, how do you go about doing this when you’re playing to an uninterested audience?

There are ways to be successful, but they often require you to step out of your comfort zone and change course. Because, if your husband has already checked out of the marriage, it’s because (at least metaphorically speaking) he no longer buys what you’re saying. So, you’ll need to change both the message and your approach. In short, you’ll need to come at this from an entirely new angle because what you’re doing likely hasn’t been working very effectively. In the following article, I’ll suggest ways that you can do this.

Deeply Understand Why He Wants A Divorce. Get Down To The Brass Tacks: To really change his mind and get a foothold back in your marriage, you’ll need to very clear about why this request for a divorce has come up. So often, people will give me very vague reasons for the split, when what I am looking for is something very specific that can be addressed and solved. So when someone tells me “he says he doesn’t love me anymore,” often what that really means is that the connection, intimacy, and appreciation are lost. When someone tells me “we just fight all of the time,” that really tells me that there is a break down in communication.

It’s highly unlikely that your husband will be able to articulate the exact reason that he wants out. But you can use the little snippets or comments that he gives you as clues to the real issue. I can tell you very confidently that it often comes down to neglect. Husbands, whether we believe it or not, are a lot like us. At the end of the day, they want to feel understood, appreciated, and desired. These things greatly affect how they feel about themselves. So, if you aren’t giving or showing them these things, it greatly affects how they feel about their own self-worth, which in turn affects the way that they feel about you and their marriage.

Husbands very commonly tell me that they feel like they are the least important person in their wive’s life – underneath the kids, underneath your boss, and underneath your friends. Remember this when you are interacting with your husband right now. Because if you approach him from a place of telling him why he is so wrong about this divorce, he is going to read it as once again, you don’t understand him and you don’t care enough to listen to what he is really saying, which leads me to….

Make Sure That The Message That You Are Sending Conveys Validation And Your Genuinely Wanting Your Husband To Be Happy: Every single person on this earth wants to feel heard and validated. If you remember nothing else about this article, remember that your husband is going to be much more receptive to you if he really feels that you are truly listening, that you truly understand what he is saying, and that you are willing to put aside your own feelings and doubts for his happiness. If he comes to understand that you want to help him get what he wants (rather than keeping him from it), he is going to be far less distant, and he’ll have far fewer walls up.

So, it’s very important that you sit him down and agree (at least in theory) that your marriage is no longer fulfilling to either of you and that you regret any part that you had in that. Insist that you want your husband to be happy, and that it is too important to you to end things on a negative track where things are heading. Tell him that you would like to change this, no matter how things end up, and that you want to be proud and at peace about the way that you are handling things. He may not believe you at first. But, you’re going to hang in there and do exactly as you’ve promised. Over time, he’ll come to learn that you are trustworthy, so there’s no need to keep avoiding you or to remain distant.

Evaluating Who You Are Presenting To Your Husband. What Is Your Stance?: When I was trying to save my marriage, a counselor that I saw briefly had me do a very interesting exercise. She had me hold my wedding photo and asked me to describe the woman in the photo, in terms of how she was in the relationship and in the marriage. Of course, I had all sorts of positive adjectives like hopeful, excited, loving, open, honest, etc. Then, she abruptly took out a digital camera, snapped a photo of me, and then asked me to look at the tired, scowling woman that I was in that instant and describe her. Immediately, tears came into my eyes because seeing the two women (who were I) side by side put things very much into perspective. My husband married a happy go lucky, positive person, and yet sitting across from the counselor in that moment was a resentful, negative, fearful person. (This completely changed the way that I approached my reconciliation.)

Later, after I had a bit of distance, I understood that she did this exercise to show me who my husband was looking at (and interacting with) when he came in contact with me. It was obvious which one he would rather I be. I myself would rather deal with the first version. Of course, I could not turn back the clock, but I could check myself when we were together, and I could break it down into small steps and interactions where I was only focusing on creating positive interactions between us.

This meant abandoning that woman who was trying to strong-arm him, guilt him, threaten him, etc. in favor of the woman with the easy laugh and the open heart. He related much better to her. I can not stress enough that it’s highly important to always remember how you are presenting yourself. Men are attracted to confident, upbeat, busy women who have all of this in their lives and who make time for and value them anyway. Make sure that you go out with friends, do what makes you happy, remain busy, and make sure that he knows all of these things.

Often, he will be so surprised by this new you that he will come around or start paying more attention just to see what’s going on. When this time comes, move slowly and continue to do what has been working, presenting your best self and slowly focusing on positive, easy-going interactions where you both leave feeling happy rather than hopeless.

I was so paranoid about a divorce that I went about pre-empting it in destructive ways. I stooped to negative behavior that only drove my husband further away. Thankfully, I turned toward more positive approaches, which eventually worked.  You can read that story at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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Important Things To Remember When Your Husband Leaves You – But You Want Him Back

By: Leslie Cane: Unfortunately, I know of many wives whose husbands have left. Their attitude is often far from positive and upbeat. The feelings of panic, desperation, and confusion would be evident enough, but since I have experienced this scenario myself, I know all too well how these women feel. It’s a very difficult and confusing time because you often desperately want to save your marriage, but you aren’t sure which actions to take for fear of making the situation worse or appearing more unattractive and less powerful. And often, your husband isn’t listening or receptive anyway.

It can be all too easy to allow these highly charged feelings to cloud your judgment or to influence you to act in a way that is only going to make things worse. But, there are some things that you can try that have worked for me and others. I’ll outline them below.

Always Remember That No Matter What, You Want To Display Yourself In A Positive Way With Your Words, Attitude, And Actions: It goes without saying that if your husband has left, things are negative between you right now. In fact, it’s highly likely that your husband either thinks or suspects that things are too far damaged for repair. It’s often wives who can read between the lines and see the positive possibilities rather than the grim reality.

In order to get to a more positive place, you have to act your way toward this. In a sense, you’re acting “as if” you’ve already gotten what you want. Always remember that a husband will not see a needy, desperate, insecure, or demanding woman as attractive or positive. Never allow fear or desperation to allow you to show this side of yourself. Remember who you were when your husband first fell in love with you. It’s highly likely that you were upbeat, open, engaging, confident, and attentive. Define exactly what your husband loved about you the most and, even in this tough time, put it on full display. You must rise above this adversity and channel the best version of yourself right now. I know this will be difficult and may require having acting skills that would win an Academy Award, but you can do this. (I know because, after a lot of false starts, I had to do this.)

Understand How Important It Is That Your Husband Knows You Are On The Same Side And Want The Same Things: I can not tell you how many husbands tell me that they left because they felt that the connection in their marriage was gone. The bond and intimacy that they once shared were lost as a result of neglect. I don’t tell you this in any way to place blame. I understand that we all struggle with balancing our marriage, our families, our jobs, and our obligations (as well as caring for ourselves.) This is just the reality of life in our society today.

However, these things can cause serious damage to a marriage. But if you are aware of this, you can often salvage things before it is too late. When you get right down to it, everyone wants the same thing, no matter who they are. We all want to feel understood, cherished, loved, valued, and worthy. If the truth is known, it’s highly likely that neither you or your husband are experiencing very much of these feelings right now. But, if you can get even some of these feelings to return, you’re well on your way to having a base on which to build and save the marriage.

It’s very important that you always keep this in mind in your interactions with your husband. Don’t approach him from a place of conflict or somewhere that requires a winner or loser. Instead, approach him from a place of wanting him (and you) to be happy and trying to help him get what he (and you) really want.

Don’t try to change his mind, argue with him, or engage him. Instead, tell him that you agree that major changes need to happen for you BOTH to be fulfilled. Explain that you aren’t psychic and can’t possibly know what tomorrow brings, but for today, you can control how you interact in a positive way. For your part, you can change your behavior and your reactions and only act in such a way that will create positive rather than negative feelings. A lot of people mistake this tactic for giving in. It really isn’t. It’s a way to get your husband to drop some of his defenses so that you can again have access to him.

Playing This Tactic In The Right Way, All The Way To The End: To really be successful with this plan, you have to see it through to the end. So often, I see people who get so excited as this starts to work that they stop what is working far too soon. Often, once the husband realizes that you are no longer going to try to change his mind or argue with him, he’ll often make himself more available. And, once he sees little peeks of the woman he first fell in love with, he’ll often be curious to see more. This is exactly what you want. However, do not, under any circumstances, jump the gun and try to move too quickly. If you push, even slightly, the jig is suddenly up, and you may not get another chance because he’ll be reluctant to trust you again.

Always leave him wanting more until you are back on very solid ground (and he’s made the decision (himself) to move back in.) Don’t push for this too soon. You want to play it as though you absolutely want to save the marriage and you want him back, but you respect him and yourself enough to take this time for both of your mutual benefits, so there is no need to rush this process. You have to trust that in the end, your husband will come to realize that the woman and relationship he once loved are still within his reach.

I learned most of these strategies the hard way after my pitiful attempts at saving my marriage did not work. But after I changed course, things definitely changed.  You can read that story at http://isavedmymarriage.com/.

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