Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Unfortunately, the emails that I get from wives whose husbands have left are often far from positive and upbeat. The feelings of panic, desperation, and confusion would be evident enough, but since I have experienced this scenario myself, I know all too well how these women feel. It’s a very difficult and confusing time because you often desperately want to save your marriage, but you aren’t sure which actions to take for fear of making the situation worse or appearing more unattractive and less powerful. And often, your husband isn’t listening or receptive anyway.

It can be all too easy to allow these highly charged feelings to cloud your judgment or to influence you to act in a way that is only going to make things worse. But, there are some things that you can try that have worked for myself and others. I’ll outline them below.

Always Remember That No Matter What, You Want To Display Yourself In A Positive Way With Your Words, Attitude, And Actions: It goes without saying that if your husband has left, things are negative between you right now. In fact, it’s highly likely that your husband either thinks or suspects that things are too far damaged for repair. It’s often wives who can read between the lines and see the positive possibilities rather than the grim reality.

In order to get to a more positive place, you have to act your way toward this. In a sense, you’re acting “as if” you’ve already gotten what you want. Always remember that a husband will not see a needy, desperate, insecure, or demanding woman as attractive or positive. Never allow fear or desperation to allow you to show this side of yourself. Remember who you were when your husband first fell in love with you. It’s highly likely that you were upbeat, open, engaging, confident, and attentive. Define exactly what your husband loved about you the most and, even in this tough time, put it on full display. You must rise above this adversity and channel the best version of yourself right now. I know this will be difficult and may require having acting skills that would win an academy award, but you can do this. (I know because, after a lot of false starts, I had to do this.)

Understand How Important It Is That Your Husband Knows You Are On The Same Side And Want The Same Things: I can not tell you how many husbands tell me that they left because they felt that the connection in their marriage was gone. The bond and intimacy that they once shared were lost as the result of neglect. I don’t tell you this in any way to place blame. I understand that we all struggle with balancing our marriage, our families, our jobs, and our obligations (as well as caring for ourselves.) This is just the reality of life in our society today.

However, these things can cause serious damage to a marriage. But if you are aware of this, you can often salvage things before it is too late. When you get right down to it, everyone wants the same thing, no matter who they are. We all want to feel understood, cherished, loved, valued, and worthy. If the truth is known, it’s highly likely that neither you or your husband are experiencing very much of these feelings right now. But, if you can get even some of these feelings to return, you’re well on your way to having a base on which to build and save the marriage.

It’s very important that you always keep this in mind in your interactions with your husband. Don’t approach him from a place of conflict or somewhere that requires a winner or loser. Instead, approach him from a place of wanting him (and you) to be happy and trying to help him get what he (and you) really want.

Don’t try to change his mind, argue with him, or engage him. Instead, tell him that you agree that major changes need to happen for you BOTH to be fulfilled. Explain that you aren’t psychic and can’t possibly know what tomorrow brings, but for today, you can control how you interact in a positive way. For your part, you can change your behavior and your reactions and only act in such a way that will create positive rather than negative feelings. A lot of people mistake this tactic for giving in. It really isn’t. It’s a way to get your husband to drop some of his defenses so that you can again have access to him.

Playing This Tactic In The Right Way, All The Way To The End: To really be successful with this plan, you have to see it through to the end. So often, I see people who get so excited as this starts to work that they stop what is working far too soon. Often, once the husband realizes that you are no longer going to try to change his mind or argue with him, he’ll often make himself more available. And, once he sees little peeks of the women he first fell in love with, he’ll often be curious to see more. This is exactly what you want. However, do not under any circumstances jump the gun and try to move too quickly. If you push, even slightly, the jig is suddenly up and you may not get another chance because he’ll be reluctant to trust you again.

Always leave him wanting more until you are back on very solid ground (and he’s made the decision (himself) to move back in.) Don’t push for this too soon. You want to play it as though you absolutely want to save the marriage and you want him back, but you respect him and yourself enough to take this time for both of your mutual benefits – so there is no need to rush this process. You have to trust that in the end, your husband will come to realize that the woman and relationship he once loved are still within his reach.

I learned most of these strategies the hard way after my pitiful attempts at saving my marriage did not work. But after I changed course, things definitely changed.  You can read that story at http://isavedmymarriage.com/.

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