Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: If you didn’t want to separate, it’s normal to be relieved every time your separated spouse reaches out to you. After all, you want to be receptive. You want to be somewhat available. You want to be in touch and in communication so that hopefully, this separation will only be temporary. 

But what happens when you begin to feel that your spouse is reaching out not because he wants to see or communicate with you, necessarily? But because he has his own agenda, that has nothing to do with you or your marriage?

Someone might say, “As embarrassed and as sad as I am to admit it, I jump to attention when my separated husband calls or comes by. I want his attention. I want him thinking about or seeing me. I am desperate to reconcile, and he knows this. In my heart, I know that he is much less motivated to reconcile than I am. And I believe that this may be why he is using me. I am not sure what to do about it. Appearances are extremely important to my husband. He has developed a reputation as a trustworthy family man who puts his family before anything else. This has helped him have success with his career. He doesn’t want people to know that we are separated – not even his family.  He is the one who initiated the separation even though I begged him not to. But because he felt strongly that he needed some time on his own, we are essentially separated on the down-low. He doesn’t want his workplace or his clients to know. Because they all like and respect me. He doesn’t want his family to know. Because they all love me. So he is constantly asking me to make appearances with him and act like everything is okay. Occasionally, when he’s feeling like he wants someone to praise him or he wants to brag about an accomplishment, he’ll invite me out to dinner. A couple of times, we’ve even slept together at the end. Unfortunately, though, these get-togethers never lead to any improvement between us. Once he’s gotten what he wants from me, then we’ll go back to the way things were. Until the next time. He’ll go silent on me until he has another obligation. I am torn about what to do. I’d never cut him off because I know that we need to be in communication if we have any chance to reconcile. But this makes me feel used. And I’m not sure how to go about making it any better.”

This is indeed a tough spot. You can’t do anything to completely alienate your husband because the attention that he shows you during some of these outings could bear fruit eventually. So we need to figure out a way to make these down-low get-togethers work for BOTH of you, not just for one of you. I’ll offer some suggestions about how to do that below. 

Try To Get Him To Do An Exchange: The biggest downside with your current arrangement is that he goes silent on you when he doesn’t need you for anything. You need to balance this with some actual improvement or progress. So the next time he asks you to attend an event with him, offer him a quid pro quo. Make sure there is something in it for you. 

For example, if he tells you that he needs you to attend a business dinner with him, say, “I’d love to if you agree to take me to a movie next weekend.” Of course, you can fill in the blank with any activity that appeals to you. Perhaps you’d like for him to come over and just get a pizza and watch Netflix. Maybe you just want an hour or two to take a walk and talk. Whatever you’d like to do, I think it’s only fair for you to ask for reciprocation. 

Even better, the outings that you have choose for pleasure rather than business can actually enhance your relationship because you are free to be playful and lighthearted in a way that you may not be during business or family obligations. 

Don’t Feel That You Have To Say Yes 100% of The Time:  When I was separated from my own husband, I eventually realized that I was being too accommodating. My husband reached out to me so little, that I took to reaching out to him all of the time. I was the only one who ever initiated communication initially. So on the rare occasions that he reached out to me, I jumped to attention. It didn’t matter if he gave me no notice. It didn’t matter if it was something I didn’t really want to do. And it didn’t matter if his motives didn’t benefit me.

Thankfully, I eventually realized that all of this over-accommodation was contributing to my husband not seeing my true value. He didn’t have to be on his best behavior or give anything because I was requiring absolutely nothing from him.

So every once in a while (and especially if he’d been particularly rude) I’d work it in somehow that I had something else to do. When this worked well, I actually went out of town to get some strategic distance. This was actually a new strategy that worked for me. This helped my cause much more than my continuing to come running every time my husband called. Of course, I always made it clear that I was still invested and ultimately wanted to reconcile. But I also wanted it to appear that I respected myself enough to not be a doormat.

Of course, there is a fine line that you have to walk. You want to maintain contact with your husband. And sometimes that means accommodating  him when he needs you. But, this should be a give and take. You should definitely feel like you’re getting something in return. And you should definitely feel like there is a way to use this to your advantage as a way to move toward reconciliation. 

Otherwise, you will feel resentful and your husband will feel entitled. And that doesn’t do either or you (or your marriage) any favors. 

I found that what DOES help is to work on yourself so that when you see or communicate with your husband, he senses that something has changed. Think about it. Something DOES need to change for your marriage to change. And this can be an important first step. To see how I used this as my starting point, check out https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: It’s very common for me to be asked what is the best, most effective, and easiest way to fight for your marriage while you’re separated. How can you fight in a way that might actually save your marriage and make your life better rather than worse?

I honestly believe that most people expect me to offer them various strong responses such as:

• they need to get tough with their husband;
• or they need to force him into seeing their worth;
• or they need to make him jealous so he will miss them and realize that he’s been wrong all along. 

Would you be surprised that I don’t suggest any of these? And the reasons for this are very simple. I’ll outline them below

Any Strategy That Seems Manipulative Is Likely To Fail: During my own separation, it became very clear to me that trying to “make” or “get” my own husband to do anything was just about the very worst thing that I could do.  

My efforts ranged from desperate to reaching to fake. It is usually not my personality to play games, but boy did I try to play them then. 

My husband isn’t stupid, and yours likely isn’t either. He knew full well what I was doing. And so he was going to do everything in his power to show me that he wasn’t going to be manipulated by me or anyone else.  

Honestly, it brought out the worst in both of us. And it made my goal of saving my marriage seem that much more hopeless.

Don’t Offer Him Uphill Battles: If you understand nothing else from this article, please understand this. Much of the time, husbands who separate do so because the whole process of fixing your marriage just seems overwhelming. For whatever reason, he has come to believe that there are too many problems, and they seem too difficult to solve.  

Therefore, how do you think he’s going to respond to any strategy where you have to buckle down and “fight” for your marriage? Likely not very well. He’s going to think that this is only more of the same.

He doesn’t want to fight.

He doesn’t want a huge amount of intensity in his life.

That’s why he’s bowing out – at least temporarily. So what does this tell us?

Creating An Ease Between You Is Better Than Fighting Any Day Of The Week: It seems counterintuitive to slow your roll. Especially when you already feel that you are running out of time. The instinct is to get the job done immediately. The inclination is to make progress right away. But sometimes, you gain more ground when you aren’t actively trying. 

Lower your expectations, especially in the beginning.

Instead of wanting to be back together by the end of the week or the month, tell yourself that you’d like just one positive encounter in the next couple of days. Honestly, if you back up just a bit and lessen some of the tension, I guarantee that you have a much higher chance of this happening.

Figure out a way to genuinely talk to him about something benign but pleasant. Repeat this process as his receptiveness will allow.

Most often, this will disarm your husband. He’ll be intrigued as to why you’re acting so differently, and he will be more receptive to you. This receptiveness is what is going to allow you to make progress later.

“Fighting” For Your Marriage Usually Means A Firm Departure From What You Tried Before:  I would never tell anyone not to do counseling, soul searching, deep communication, and the like. Those things can be invaluable – when your marriage and your husband are ready for them. But if you and your spouse were churning the same old problems and were getting nowhere, take a break from that process. Stop repeating the same things that got you nowhere. 

This may sound silly, but you are often better off taking a walk with the dog and just talking about light-hearted current events rather than grilling him about where he is on your marriage or separation.

You are better off asking him his opinion about the latest book he’s read and really listening instead of asking his opinion about what went wrong with your marriage.

There will be time for this when both people are READY and WILLING to get down the work of saving the marriage. But when you are separated, that time hasn’t yet some. You need to create a willingness between both people before that happens, which brings me to my next point.

Wait Until He’s Fully Willing Before You Begin To “Fight” For Or Rebuild Anything:  I know that I’m asking you to have patience and that you want to spring into action now.

But I also know firsthand from my own mistakes during my own separation that you will save yourself a lot of heartache and time if you wait until it’s very obvious that your husband is willing to work with you on your marriage.  

If he’s at all reluctant, you’re wasting your time to try to force him. You are better off continuing to try to build goodwill between you until he is willing and not shy about letting you know it.

I know that this isn’t as easy as it sounds. I know there will be times when you will disagree with your husband. Or times when you wonder what he’s doing with his free time and emotional space. There will be times when you’ll feel insecure and worried and fretful. It’s a challenge to remain upbeat and receptive during these times, but you have to consider the end game and keep your eye on the prize. 

By creating goodwill and an easy rapport, you’re completing step one. When your husband sees that the two of you can get along and actually enjoy one another’s company again, then he’ll begin to believe that maybe your problems are not insurmountable after all. 

And THIS is when you can really make meaningful progress that might save your marriage. 

I understand that it feels wrong to hang back and to just try to make things more cohesive and pleasant. You feel like you’re delaying your progress. But what you’re actually doing is creating a foundation. And little by little, you’re going to move forward as you are able.

You’re going to go from pleasant conversations to looking forward to seeing one another to eventually having the breakthroughs that are going to allow you to save your marriage.

And even better, it won’t feel difficult. It will feel easier and effortless. And that is by design.

I know it sounds a bit odd. But changing my thinking in this way truly did allow me to approach saving my marriage in a way that actually worked when we were very close to divorce. You can read the rest of the story at  https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from spouses (usually wives) who are wondering or want to know if their marriage is “too far gone.”  Often, they want to save that same marriage but they just aren’t sure if it’s possible.  They know things are quickly deteriorating and they aren’t sure if they want to put in all of the work and effort to save the marriage if the marriage is so damaged that this is just not going to be possible.

I often hear comments like “how do I know if my marriage is too far gone to actually save it?”  We’ve been having problems for a long time now and things are awful between us.  We’re nasty to each other.  He’s distant, critical, and sarcastic.  We never have sex anymore.  It’s like we don’t even like each other – much less love each other.  How do you know when a marriage is so far gone that there’s just no coming back?”

Obviously, this call is going to be different for each couple.  It’s going to depend on how determined you are to save your marriage and how much this really means to you.  Because saving a marriage that has been damaged over a long period of time or is so damaged that it’s obvious and painful to both people takes a little work and care.  However, I know for a fact that it can be done because I myself have done it.

In the following article, I will suggest some things you may want to consider if you’re trying to determine if your marriage is just too far gone to save.

Have Either Of You Just Shut Down?: Sometimes,  people will contact me and tell me that they have constant fights with their spouse and nasty words and exchanges take place. They take this to mean that things have really deteriorated passed the point of no return.

They are often surprised when I’m not overly alarmed by this.  The reason that these sorts of things don’t overly concern me is because fighting or even having lots of conflict in your marriage at least shows that you still care enough to have deep emotions about it.

Yes, these emotions might still be coming out in negative ways. But if either of you are still angry, frustrated or downright tired of it, at least you care enough that the emotions are still coming out.  I’m usually more worried when people tell me that things are cordial but cold because they or their spouse don’t seem to care one way or another.

In other words, they or their spouse has become indifferent because they’ve just checked out.  If there’s no emotions anymore, that means there’s more work you will have to do.  Saving a marriage when one spouse is indifferent is by no means impossible, but it’s more difficult, though it can be done.

Is There No Common Ground Anymore?  I often tell people to try to find some common ground when they are trying to save their marriages – even if the only common ground is that they agree the marriage is in trouble and they want to do something about it.  Or it could be your children.  It could be anything on which you share something and are therefore invested in the marriage.

But when marriages are supposedly too damaged to save, this element is missing.  The individuals with in start to see themselves as just that – individuals.  They no longer have the “we” or “us” mentality – they have the “I” or “me” mentality.

That’s not to say that you can’t return to the us mentality.  But it makes saving your marriage more difficult and means that you’ll have to go through more steps.

Do You Not Believe That You Can Save Your Marriage?  Do You Believe In Your Heart That It’s Too Far Gone?: Here’s what I think.  When people ask me if it’s too late for their marriage, they’re hoping I will tell them that it’s not.  Because if they knew deep down in their heart that the marriage was over and had passed the point of no return, they would likely not be asking me.

So the fact that you are reading this article tells me that you hope (or don’t believe) that your marriage is too far gone but perhaps you don’t have the tools or the cooperation from your spouse to save it.

I know that it’s difficult to have these types of doubts.  But the fact that you have the doubts makes me suspect that you are still very invested in your marriage.  If this is true, then in my opinion that your marriage is not too far gone.  Yes, you may have some work to do.  Yes, you may have to do a few things to get your spouse on board. But frankly, I think a marriage is only past the point of no return when you give up on it.

I know that may seem easy for me to say since I’m still married.  But we had some really dark days and he had actually filed for and wanted a divorce.  So if I had just thrown up my hands and declared my marriage too far gone, I’d be single today (and I’m glad I’m not.)  Our marriage is actually stronger than ever, but this took some doing.  You can read more about how I saved my marriage (mostly by myself) on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many of the people on this site did not want to separate from their spouses. Therefore, most people here desperately miss their separated spouse. But they aren’t sure what to do with those feelings. Should they share this information? Or keep it bottled up? After all, isn’t it a good bet that the partner who initiated the separation won’t feel the same way and may therefore rebuff or even reject the partner who is doing the missing?

Someone might say, “My husband and I are getting along okay during the separation that he wanted. And by okay, I mean that we are cordial and aren’t fighting. I am grateful that we do communicate. It isn’t as much as or as warm as I would like, but we do communicate regularly – which is somewhat due to our children. We want to make sure that our situation is healthy for everyone involved. That said, it doesn’t feel completely healthy for me. Separating from my husband is basically my worst fear and dread come true. I am so lonely. I am so frightened. I feel so compromised – like I’m only running on half a tank because part of me is gone. I miss him so much that sometimes I can honestly think of nothing else. I forget things that I would otherwise remember effortlessly. I’m making silly mistakes at my job. I want him to know how this is affecting me. I want to tell him how desperately much I miss him, but I suspect that this might be a mistake. I am trying to come off like I am handling things, but I honestly don’t know if my husband is buying it or not. I hate feeling like I’m not being honest. He’s my husband and, in a perfect world, I feel like I should be able to tell him anything. Should I tell him that I miss him?”

You know your husband better than I do. You would probably also have a better handle on how he might react. But, I can definitely offer you some things to think about before you decide whether to come out with it. 

How You Handle The Delivery Is As Important As What You Say: This may sound odd, but there is a big difference in an “I miss you,” said in a kind of desperate or pleading tone that is meant to guilt your husband or elicits pity. If you have any inkling or fear that your “I miss you,” will come off like this, then I’d say nothing at all. 

Likewise, if you’re going to tell him that you miss him like it’s a surprising development, I’d avoid that too. If we’re being honest and pragmatic about this, he is your husband. He knows that you didn’t want the separation, and he probably already knows that you miss him. Pretending that you don’t probably won’t fool anyone.  

Understand Why It Could Go Wrong So You Won’t Step Into Common Mistakes: A husband who wants space or time apart isn’t likely to react in the way you want to anything that makes him feel selfish or worse about his decision.  

So if your aim is to let him know that missing him means you’re struggling, I honestly would not advise it (although read on for when I WOULD advise it.) He may think that you’re trying to manipulate him. You are toying with telling him in part because you want to be (and feel) closer to him. But making him feel negative emotions is likely to have the opposite effect. 

If you’re going to make this announcement, you need to make things BETTER and not worse. 

Sharing That You’re Missing Him Strategically:  Since he likely already suspects how you feel, you have to ask yourself if you can gain anything by vocalizing it. In other words, if you are going to do it, you want to do it strategically. You want something positive to come out of it. 

Some wives inadvertently do this by telling him they miss him to gauge his receptiveness (which could work if done correctly.) Others feel momentarily needy and let it spill out (which often doesn’t work.)  

However, if you aim to tell him sincerely that you miss him in a kind of nostalgic, and wistful way as you continue to live your own life, it could work to show him your resistance, strength, and determination (which could be of value.) You could also say it matter-of-factly as though you wish things were different and then they go about the business of coping and carrying on. In this case, you’d be portrayed from a position of strength rather than weakness.

 It should be clear that you don’t have any agenda other than to just share your feelings, with no expectations of changing or influencing his feelings. 

Can You Say It In A Flirty Or Funny Way That Might Actually Make This Work Further In Your Favor?:  Better yet, if you can say it in a flirty or funny way that actually gets a laugh or a light-hearted, or even flirty reaction from your husband, then you’ve actually used this painful feeling to your advantage – to advance your position. That’s more than a win.

For example, if your husband helps you with something around the house, you could say, “you know, it’s handy having you around. I miss the heck out of you.” Or if your husband makes you laugh you could try, “I’ve missed this. I haven’t laughed this way since you left.”

Options like this definitely communicate that you miss him, but they aren’t desperate and they encourage him to come back with his own light-hearted one-liner if he wants to. The communication isn’t loaded or pressure-filled, so it is less likely to backfire. 

I hope that you see the difference. Unfortunately, I know all of this because I came off as desperate and needy during my own separation. Obviously, this didn’t do me any favors and I almost ended up divorced. It wasn’t until I learned how to play the game a little better that things change. You can read the rest of the story at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many wives who visit this site very reluctantly even consider divorce. Most want to save their marriages, so they only agree to divorce when it seems clear that there is no path forward. Often, it is actually the husband who wants a divorce, and the wife only consents when it is clear she can’t change his mind. 

Such was the case with a wife I heard from recently, who had reluctantly agreed to divorce, only to dramatically change her mind once the reality of ending her marriage sunk in. She said, in part, “Now that we’ve begun to live separate lives, I feel like a huge part of myself is gone. The thought of never having him in my life just makes me so incredibly sad. This whole thing feels so wrong, and I suddenly realize that the problems which seemed so enormous could be broken down into smaller issues that we could resolve in time. If I could have my husband back right now, I’d happily overlook every single flaw. Unfortunately, things are not as straightforward as just my changing my mind. It appears that he’s moving on. A mutual friend told me that he’s said he’ll start dating again soon. So now I worry that my time is running out. Do I just tell him how I feel before it’s too late?”

Considerations About How And When To Tell Him: This is a tough one. Because if the husband clearly felt the same way, the choice would be obvious. But his feelings are likely not clear if he’s truly “moving on.” And if the husband wasn’t on board with calling off the divorce, he might reject the wife or even limit her access to him.  

On the other hand, if the husband shared the wife’s feelings, and could therefore be convinced to change his mind, then the couple would have a chance to reconcile. 

I believe there’s a way around this catch 22 that will maintain both the wife’s dignity and the husband’s autonomy, which I’ll describe below. 

Be Very Deliberate With What You Say And When You Say It:  Instead of just blurting out your feelings without knowing the likely outcome, you have the option of moving slowly and looking for clues about your husband’s feelings before you just come out with it. 

Because there is definitely going to be a right place and time to broach this topic. 

You need to find the optimum time in a cordial conversation that reflects the history between you. (Don’t do this at the first sign of harmony. Wait until things repeatedly feel easy between you.) Pick a time when you’re both at ease and enjoying yourselves. When you feel that the time is right and he may be receptive, you can try something like, “What a shame all of this is. If we had gotten along this well a few months ago, we may never have pursued a divorce. At times like this, I wonder if we made the right call or if we’ll regret divorcing someday. There have been days where I’ve already regretted it.” 

Notice that this statement is carefully crafted. The wife didn’t press the husband for his feelings or do anything to make him feel guilty if he didn’t share her musings. She simply stated her own feelings and left things open-ended so that her husband was free to pipe up if he wished, but he wasn’t pressured to do so. 

Carefully Evaluate Any Response: After the wife spoke, she should then listen very carefully and watch very closely for his response. 

What he says and how he says it offers very important clues about his feelings about (and intentions towards) a divorce. For example, he might attempt to diffuse the wife’s hints by saying something like, “I think we’re getting along now because the pressure is off due to the divorce. And I don’t think we’ll have any regrets.” 

With that type of response, the wife would know that it’s too early to share her feelings. The better call would be to try to improve the relationship even further before broaching the topic again. 

However, if the husband agrees with the wife, or admits that he’s been feeling the same way, now we’re cooking with gas. 

You’re not going to know which reaction you’ll get until you put your own feelings out there in a calculated, but careful way. 

That said, don’t be discouraged if you don’t get the reaction that you were looking for. That doesn’t necessarily mean defeat. It just means that you either have a bit more work to do, or you brought up the topic a little too soon. In which case, work, time, or both still give you a chance. 

Consider Having A Plan Before You Confess Your Changing Feelings About Divorce:  I’d like to mention one more consideration and option. As much as I hate to be a buzzkill, I’d like to caution you that very often, both people have hesitations about divorcing, but they still eventually do it anyway. 

Ending a marriage is a big decision that few people take lightly. Therefore, quite often, both spouses can honestly say that deep down, they don’t really want to divorce.  

Unfortunately, though, the feelings and wishes between the couple aren’t enough to keep them together. For whatever reason, one or both of them just cannot clear the deal-breaking issues between them. Often, there was never any concrete plan to identify and then make the needed changes to remove that dealbreaker once and for all. 

They also may have made the mistake of thinking that the feelings were enough, so they stopped there, and they didn’t finish the work. 

It’s very rare for a couple to be successful in the long term if they don’t finally effectively address their core issues. So now might be a good time to think about a plan to put in place BEFORE you even broach the subject of regretting the divorce. Your husband may be easier to convince if he knows there’s a workable and reasonable plan. 

I bring this up because I did not understand these principles, and I went in way too early, before I’d lain any groundwork with my separated husband at all. Thankfully, I was able to course-correct and came at it from another angle, and this eventually worked.  You can read about how I saved my marriage when it looked very doubtful at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: If there is anything that I’ve learned from writing about marriage and interacting with folks struggling in their marriages, it’s this: One of the most vital human needs is to feel seen and heard. And if you don’t feel seen and heard by the most important person in your life – your spouse – it can most definitely jeopardize your marriage. 

Someone might say, “My husband blows me off when I say this, but I believe that it’s true. He no longer really and truly sees me. And he no longer really cares to put in the effort to do better. When he looks at me now, it’s like he looks right through me. He doesn’t see the woman he married. I could be the lawn guy. Or the mail lady. I’m merely another person in his life who does things for him and whom he must manage. I’m the lady who does his laundry and raises his children. But I’m no longer the person he shares his worries and his feelings with. It’s like he doesn’t respect me enough for that anymore. Admittedly, since I’ve stayed home with the kids, even I see myself differently. Intellectually, I don’t really have an outlet so I depend upon my husband for things like that. But he doesn’t have time for me anymore. It’s like he thinks I’m dumb now or just not worth the effort anymore. I know that staying home with our kids is important, but sometimes I do regret it. My husband most definitely treats me differently because of it. At the same time, I know that this home would fall apart without me. I know that my husband could never handle and keep track of all of the things that I handle. So I do see the value in what I do. But it seems like no one else does. There are times in the evening when I am so tired and spent, and yet he doesn’t even see it. When I see him struggling, I make a point to find out what is wrong and try to help him fix it. But he thinks I should have no problems whatsoever since I’m at home and living what he thinks is a life of luxury. It feels disrespectful and dismissive. And I’ve noticed him looking at other women when we’re out to dinner or flirting with the waitress, which he never used to do before. How can I stop this trend before it destroys my marriage? How do I get him to see me again?”

Don’t Be Complacent. Seek Out Important Changes To Obtain The Happiness You Deserve: If I had money every time someone asked this sort of question, I would be rich. Although the answer isn’t an easy one, I do think that this problem is fixable.  

You must change the circumstances and the environment so that you’re giving yourself a fighting chance. You can’t function in the same old way and expect a new response.

In this case, it might mean to get out of the house without the kids so he can again see you as an alluring individual who has something important to say. Once he is doing this regularly, I’m going to guess that he’s going to start really looking at (and listening to) you again.

Talk about things that have nothing to do with your household and your kids. 

And I know what you’re going to say, because I’ve used this excuse too many times to count. You might say something like, “But I can’t just pretend my kids don’t exist. I can’t just turn off my obligations.”

I know that you can’t. But you probably can for just a couple of hours once or twice a week. You can’t expect him to not see you as a mom or the keeper of the house or the organized taskmaster when that’s exactly the environment he sees you in most of the time. 

Make Sure Intimacy Is Regular And Satisfying:  This is cliche and even crass to say. But honestly, the easiest way to get a man to really look at you (adoringly, even) is to rock his world regularly. This sounds deceptively simple. But I know firsthand that it’s not so easy to rock his world when things aren’t so great at home. 

Understandably, you may worry about awkwardness and rejection. It can be very scary to allow yourself to be so vulnerable as to be the one to approach him in a playful and even an aggressive way. But I promise you that there’s a very good chance that he is not going to complain. I can also promise you that if you are sharing physical intimacy, you have a MUCH greater chance of sharing emotional intimacy. Therefore, you have a much greater chance of him actually seeing and hearing the real you. Men who are regularly getting their sexual needs met generally find their partner much more interesting and alluring.  

I know that fatigue and family obligations can be a factor in this, so you may need to encourage him to give you breaks in exchange for increased intimacy. Most men will take that trade any day. When he sees there is something in it for him, he is much more likely to step up to the plate. (And he’ll also come to see that you most definitely aren’t living in the lap of luxury all day.) 

If You Want Him To See You, Make Sure That He Believes That You’re Seeing (And Making Time For) Him: I know you believe that you make the effort to notice his struggles, but make absolutely sure that he also believes this is true. Sometimes, our perception is the opposite of our spouses’ perception. So while you may think that you’re being incredibly attentive, your husband may perceive that all of your emotional attention is going to the kids, house, job, or whatever takes up the most of your time. I know that this type of spousal jealousy and score-keeping sounds awful, but I cannot stress how common it is. In fact, it is so common, I’d say that it’s the exception rather than the rule, so it makes sense to ask yourself if it is possible in your case. 

Taking The Initiative Doesn’t Mean That You Don’t Share The Responsibility Equally: Please don’t think I’m laying the responsibility for being seen at your feet. I’m not. It would be wonderful if your husband would realize that he should do pay more attention on his own. But let’s deal with reality. The fastest way to get your needs met is to control the only person you can – yourself. If your proactive behaviors make him more likely to give you what you want, then what is the harm in taking the initiative?  

It may feel unfair at first, but you know what is going to make the process feel much better? Being truly seen again, as soon as possible. 

You’ll be happier, he’ll be happier. There is very little risk or downside.

I wish I’d taken my own advice. I had to learn this the hard way. I became complacent and it almost led to divorce. I had to allow myself to be very vulnerable again to save my marriage. That story is at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Although many of us dread the worst happening when we separate or concede to giving our spouse “space,” or “time,” most of us really want to believe in a happy outcome. In our heart of hearts, we want to believe in happily ever after and in families that find a way to stay together. 

That’s why, even if it looks like divorce might be possible one day, many of us hold out hope that our husband is going to change his mind. We hope that one day, he will see all of this more objectively and will realize that splitting up a family is just wrong. Or he will see that our relationship problems can and should be fixed. Many of us hold out this type of hope when things begin to look quite dire. And we’re still shocked when he announces that he still wants a divorce or plans to go forward with it. 

Someone might say, “I can’t sit here and say that my husband was dishonest with me during this rough patch in our marriage. He told me that he was unhappy as soon as he noticed a shift in our marriage. And then he asked for a separation when he felt that the shift could not or would not change. I tried to talk him out of separating because I was very fearful of anything that would break up our family. And my husband told me that he was hopeful that the separation would only be temporary. I am still not sure if he was dishonest about this to only get me to agree. But this assertion gave me hope that he wasn’t completely on board with ending our marriage and that it might be safe for me to hold out a little more hope. Well, last night I feel like he really dropped a bomb on me. We weren’t fighting. Nothing had gone wrong. But he told me that he is still considering a divorce, although he hasn’t filed anything, retained an attorney, or taken any concrete steps toward an actual divorce. I am so stunned and shocked by this. I guess in my mind, I thought that my husband just had some things to sort out on his own, but that ultimately, he loved our family and he would change his mind about a divorce. I feel like I gambled when I allowed him to walk out the door for a separation. And now I have potentially lost my marriage over that gamble. If I lose my marriage, I do not know what I will do.”

It May Help To Adjust Your Perspective: I am not sure that you have to accept defeat yet. Your husband has not taken any real steps yet toward a divorce. He could if he wanted to, but he hasn’t. This means that there is still time. 

I also am not sure I agree with your idea that you gambled and lost. When my own husband asked me for a separation, I was sure that accepting it would be the same as divorce. And yet, fighting my husband on the separation and refusing to work with him brought us closer to divorce than the separation ever did. I honestly think that trying to work with your husband is almost always going to give you more access to him and more goodwill with him – both things that you need to avoid a divorce in the long term. I ended up seeing the separation as something that I didn’t want – but also something about which I had absolutely no choice. If I didn’t give it, my husband was just going to take it via simply leaving me and then possibly filing for divorce. By going along, and I bought myself some time, which is part of the reason I am still married.

I hope you see my point. Even if you thought he would change his mind, I’m not sure that you had much of a choice about the separation if your husband was dead set on wanting it. 

This Is More About Making Necessary Changes Than About Any Game Of Chance:  Comparing a separation to gambling implies that you have no say or influence on the outcome. While you admittedly cannot make your husband think or feel anything, I believe that your behaviors and actions most certainly CAN influence his thoughts and feelings.  

What’s more, if you can change or begin to improve those issues that make your husband want a divorce, then you’re not gambling anything, you’re taking positive, concrete actions. 

Honestly Is Vital As You Evaluate How To Make Progress Moving Forward:  So how do you begin to make the most important changes that might change his mind about a divorce? You get brutally, and sometimes painfully, honest. Define why your husband wanted the time apart in the first place. Although this is very individual to each couple, a loss of intimacy, a sense of restlessness, a lessening of commitment/effort, and a loss of connection/excitement are all very common issues and decent places to look. If you have a good handle on WHY this went south, then the way out and HOW to fix it becomes obvious. 

Your Biggest Questions and Obstacles Moving Forward: Your most important questions are: 1. What would your husband want from you to bring you closer together; and 2. How could you display those qualities considering that you don’t have constant access to him? Admittedly, it can be challenging to show your husband that you’ve become more attentive, less controlling, more willing to compromise, etc. (fill in your own blanks) when you don’t see him every day. 

That is why you have to make the most of the opportunities that you do have. I know that your sporadic conversations can seem inconsequential. But they don’t have to be. Know that if you can create positive communications about the small things, you can grow this goodwill so that eventually, you are making progress about the big things. Yes, it is a gradual process that requires patience. Yes, it will require you to move deliberately and thoughtfully. Yes, you must have a long-term plan that you’ll have to carefully implement in tiny steps. 

But I am an example of how it can work in practice. I believe that my husband was very close to doggedly pursuing a divorce. And I was very close to just accepting this as my sad fate. But I decided to try a few more things. And that made all of the difference. I believe that there is nothing particularly special about the things I did or how I did them. You can read more at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: There is an assumption that when a man seeks a separation, he will be blissfully happy with relief once he obtains that same separation. And this is certainly true of some men some of the time. It can sting to see what appears to be him living his best life when he isn’t living that life with you.

Sometimes, though, you’ll get the opposite behavior. The husband is not only very obviously unhappy, but he’s also downright angry. Wives often struggle to understand this disconnect. Why is he so mad when she’s given him what he wants and is trying to comply with what he has asked for?

She might say, “I’m confused and upset by my separated husband’s behavior. When he asked for the separation, he said that he felt like he needed this time apart to sort himself out and improve his life. He sold it to me by saying that hopefully, we would both come back together stronger and happier than ever. I tried to talk him out of this. I delayed. I debated with him. But no matter what I did or said, he would not back down. He seemed to become more and more unhappy and resentful the longer that our stalemate went on. So it was clear that I really did not have a choice. I honestly thought that once he was rid of me, even temporarily, he would let the good times roll. But every time I see or talk to him, he’s sulky, evasive, and angry. I’ve asked him if I’ve done anything to make him mad or to offend him, and he says I haven’t. I’ve wracked my brain to determine if there is anything I might have said or done, but honestly, there’s not. I’ve heard him raise his voice to friends. I’ve seen him cross his arms and sulk like a toddler to neighbors. I don’t understand this. The separation is what he wanted. Why isn’t he happy now? Why is he so angry?”

These are important, but often difficult, questions. That said, I definitely have some theories about this. I’ve seen many men exhibit anger upon separation. It is actually pretty common. Here are some common reasons why.

His Unhappiness Has Absolutely Nothing To Do With You Or Your Marriage: Women often feel responsible for loved ones. We are only as happy as our least happy family members. If our kids wake up on the wrong side of the bed, we sometimes either assume responsibility or try to fix it for them. The same can be true of our husbands. But very often, other people’s unhappy experiences have absolutely nothing to do with us. Therefore, we often cannot fix their issues. Only they can do that.

Likewise, your husband may be angry because of something about which you know nothing. It may not have anything whatsoever to do with you. If he’s telling you that you are not the source of his anger, give him the benefit of the doubt and believe him. He may clear this problem tomorrow on his own, which means that you’ve worried and taken this onto your shoulders for nothing. As my aunt used to say, there is no sense in borrowing trouble and worry. Of course, you want to continue to watch his behavior, but if the source has nothing to do with you, then just let him handle it.

The Separation Isn’t Playing Out In The Way That He Asked: Sometimes, men are angry during the separation because it isn’t going the way that they envisioned it. Perhaps they asked for some time completely alone before regular contact. Maybe he thought that he would be the one to call you, but you are calling him to say goodnight every single evening. Perhaps you are constantly asking questions that he finds invasive. Whatever the reason, sometimes a man perceives that you aren’t holding up your end of the bargain, but he feels resentful to have to spell that out for you. Even if he is denying that this is the case, ask yourself if this is a possibility. Or try a trial of backing away some to see if that improves things.

He Isn’t Experiencing The Relief That He Hoped For: Many men go into their separation hoping that the break or space (or whatever vernacular they use) will solve all of their issues. They believe that they’ll wake up in their own place full of relief and ready to make a fresh, new start. They don’t realize that all of their issues and troubles are going to follow them wherever they are.

Without working on or solving any issues, you’re going to deal with the same things and experience the same level of unhappiness no matter where you live.

And, of course, this realization can be a bitter disappointment. He may now realize that not only is he still unhappy, but he’s created a bigger issue now that he is separated. So yes, this realization can bring about disappointment and resentment.

He’s Openly Displaying His Unhappiness Due To Some Agenda: I am listing this option last because I believe that it is the least likely. But, I do have to mention that some men will posture as being unhappy during the separation simply because they don’t want their wife to know how they are really feeling.

Maybe he believes that if you knew that he was perfectly content, you would have hurt feelings, or will ask questions, or want an explanation, so he pretends that he isn’t happy to avoid this.

I’m not saying that it is true, but it does sometimes happen.

How To Best Handle His Discontent: First of all, ask yourself if this is truly your problem. If you didn’t cause it (and you need to be honest with yourself about this,) and he must be the one to fix it, then I’m not sure there is an effective option but to let him know that you support him and are there to help him in any way you can if he needs or wants your help.

Beyond that, you’re likely stepping into not respecting his need for space. I think it best to try to back away a little and to let him know you’re there. And then just trying to maintain positive and supportive communication while waiting for his unhappiness to abate as the situation improves.

If you can convince him to go to counseling or to work with you if any mutual issues are causing unhappiness, this can help (assuming that he is willing) but sometimes you just have to bide your time, which was the case in my own separation. I often made things worse with my own refusal to wait. Thankfully, I finally understood that I was only making things worse, and got down to the business of saving my marriage.  You can read about how I did that at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  I sometimes hear from wives who are experiencing very conflicting emotions as it relates to their husband, who had filed for divorce and then changed his mind.  On the one hand, they are grateful that he has changed his mind.  Because often, they didn’t want a divorce and could only watch helplessly as he filed.  But, as grateful and as relieved as they are, they are often left wondering what reasons lead to his change of heart.

I heard from a wife who said: “after months of fighting and even a short separation, my husband filed for divorce four weeks ago.  I did everything I could to delay him or talk him out of this, including offering counseling and compromises.  Nothing worked.  When he filed, I was devastated and I grieved.  I was so sorry for my kids and for the future that I wouldn’t have.  Within the last week, I have sort of accepted it.  I’m not saying that I’m not still devastated but I realized that there wasn’t a whole lot that I could do about it.   And wouldn’t you know as soon as I had started to accept it my husband came by and told me that, for now, he has changed his mind about the divorce.  The first thing out of my mouth was to ask why.  And the reason is that I had thrown every argument that I had at him to get him to change his mind and now, he has changed his mind all on his own.  He won’t give me a straight answer as to what brought this on.  And, as a result, I don’t trust it.  I think he probably decided that a divorce was going to cost him too much money in child support.  Because why else would he change his mind like this?”

There are multiple reasons that a man might change his mind about a divorce.  And only a few of them have to do with the cost of a divorce.  I will discuss some of the possibilities in the following article.

He May Have Simply Had A Change Of Heart: This is difficult for many wives to believe.  But as soon as he realizes that this might actually be real, that in a few short weeks he will no longer be living with you or his children, he can have some sobering doubts about whether the divorce is the right call.  Also, sometimes men who are considering or who have filed for divorce interact with men who are already divorced.  They might notice that the divorced men don’t really seem all that happy and may even seem downright lonely.  Many men in this situation have admitted to me that they went to one of their divorced friends thinking that this friend was going to tell them how wonderful the newly single life is, only to discover that instead, the friend expressed how much he regrets no longer being married.

Also, men can also begin to think back over the course of your marriage with longing. They can begin to explore the happy memories and this leads many of them to wonder if it’s even remotely possible that you could have this again.  In short, many start to entertain the thought that perhaps divorce is not the answer and perhaps you have something worth fighting for.

In fact. many men change their mind about the divorce motivated by their sense of family.  Children can play a huge role. There can be a real sense of giving up what you are worked so hard for or giving up the dreams that you had.  This can be depressing and sad so it’s not surprising that some decide that they just do not want to go down this path.

What Should You Do If You Still Don’t Understand Why He Changed His Mind About The Divorce: It’s understandable that many wives in this situation hesitate because they don’t want to get their heart broken if their husband changes his mind once again.  They figure it will be even more painful if they get their hopes up only to have them dashed again. This is understandable.  But here is the thing.  WIthout any risk, there is no chance and no hope.  You have a chance at what you have wanted all along – to save your marriage.  If you don’t take that chance, won’t you always wonder what might have been?

I understand not wanting to be hurt.  But you can take some safeguards to make this less likely.  You can move very slowly and not put a lot of pressure on the situation.  You can seek out counseling.  You can address and hopefully fix those problems that lead to the divorce in the first place.  And you can rebuild your marriage on a very strong foundation so that you will no longer have any doubts that either of you wants to be in your marriage.

So to answer the question posed, there are multiple reasons that men change their mind about a divorce. And some of them are positive rather than negative reasons.  I understand that many wives in this situation are hesitant or doubtful. But if you want to save your marriage, why not see this through and give it your all?  In short, you’ve been given another chance so why not see if you can make something of it? If you fail and it doesn’t work out, you will know that you tried and you will be back to where you already were, which means that you don’t really have anything to lose.

I didn’t hesitate when my husband changed his mind about the divorce.  I was scared to be hurt, of course.  But I was clear on the fact that my marriage was the most important thing to me.  And, in the end, our marriage completely survived and we are very strong today because I was determined to rebuild.  If it helps, you can read the whole story of how I saved my marriage on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:   I sometimes hear from wives who are saddened by the boundaries that their husband is trying to set in anticipation of a trial separation.  Often, the wife is hoping that the separation will actually improve the marriage so that a reconciliation is eventually possible.  But the husband can be very obviously trying to distance himself from the wife.  Often, one strategy that he will take to facilitate this is to tell the wife that he wants to only be “friends” while they are apart.

Common comments are things like: “for the past several months, my husband has been asking for a separation.  I tried my best to delay and stall him.  I figured he was just under stress and would eventually realize that he was being selfish.  Over time though, it became clear that he wasn’t going to give this up.  A couple of weeks ago, I decided that I was tired of hearing this so I finally conceded to a separation.  When my husband and I were talking about how the separation would go, he blurted out that he only wanted for us to be friends during the separation.  I asked him what in the world he meant by this and he said that he isn’t going to relate to me as my spouse.  He is going to relate to me as a friend and he doesn’t want for me to try to make demands of him.  He doesn’t plan to date me or have sex with me during the separation.  Instead, he wants for me to back away and leave him alone for a while.  I am stunned and upset about this.  To me, ‘just be friends’ almost means that he wants to act as if he is single.  And if that is the case, then why not just get a divorce?  Why would he be doing this?  I have plenty of friends.  I don’t want to be his friend.  I want to be his spouse.”

This was a very sensitive situation.  I agreed with this wife.  When you are separated, you are still married.  You are not friends. Yes, admittedly, much of the time, the goal is to give one another space and distance.  But there is a difference between taking some space and having a platonic relationship or pretending that you are not married.  With that said, it was clear that the wife had to tread very carefully here.  If she had a very strong reaction and demanded that her husband act in a certain way, it was possible that he would retreat even more or decide that perhaps he should go ahead and get a divorce.

Below, I will tell you what I believe is the best, and most safe, way to handle this.

Coming Up With A Suitable Response:  I think that it’s best to accept that you have to take this one step at a time and to remain calm.  You don’t want to blow up or alienate your husband.  You don’t want to set it up so that he feels that he has to avoid you because of this unresolved conflict.  That’s why it’s so important to have a frank and calm discussion about this with the goal of hopefully coming up with a compromise that you can both live with.

I would suggest something like this: “I have to admit that I was totally unprepared for what I just heard you say.  This was not the way that I envisioned the separation.  To me, a separation is a time when both people take a little time and space to collect their thoughts and work on themselves.  The idea is that the end goal is to come back together with new perspectives and improvements to our marriage.  I’m not sure that our living as only friends during the separation is going to help us to reach that goal.   When you say ‘just friends,’ what exactly do you mean by that?  Do you mean that you want to see other people or live as a single person?  Because I’m not going to be OK with that.  To me, a separation is a time when you are very clearly still married.  And being friends is not the same thing as being married.  If you’re asking for me to give you some space and to not make marital demands of you while we are separated, then I am more than willing to discuss this more so that we can come up with a plan that we are both comfortable with.  But I plan to consider myself married but separated.  I am still hoping to work this out.  Can we work together to make that happen?”

I can’t promise you that this conversation is going to make him immediately back off of his “just friends” stance, but at least it will hopefully open the door toward more communication and compromise.   And it will have let him know that his proposal isn’t acceptable to you.  I believe that it’s important to give the requested space during a separation.  I was unwilling to do this at first and it almost costs me my marriage.  But at the same time, I agree with the wife that the only time your spouse should classify you as a friend is if you are divorced.

As might already be obvious, my husband wanted his space during our separation and I was very resistant to this. As a result, he pulled even further away until I realized that I had to try something new. So I understand that there is often a tightrope that you will have to walk while separated. But I think that living only as friends is almost crossing a line. If it helps, you read about our separation process on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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