Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many wives who visit this site very reluctantly even consider divorce. Most want to save their marriages, so they only agree to divorce when it seems clear that there is no path forward. Often, it is actually the husband who wants a divorce, and the wife only consents when it is clear she can’t change his mind. 

Such was the case with a wife I heard from recently, who had reluctantly agreed to divorce, only to dramatically change her mind once the reality of ending her marriage sunk in. She said, in part, “Now that we’ve begun to live separate lives, I feel like a huge part of myself is gone. The thought of never having him in my life just makes me so incredibly sad. This whole thing feels so wrong, and I suddenly realize that the problems which seemed so enormous could be broken down into smaller issues that we could resolve in time. If I could have my husband back right now, I’d happily overlook every single flaw. Unfortunately, things are not as straightforward as just my changing my mind. It appears that he’s moving on. A mutual friend told me that he’s said he’ll start dating again soon. So now I worry that my time is running out. Do I just tell him how I feel before it’s too late?”

Considerations About How And When To Tell Him: This is a tough one. Because if the husband clearly felt the same way, the choice would be obvious. But his feelings are likely not clear if he’s truly “moving on.” And if the husband wasn’t on board with calling off the divorce, he might reject the wife or even limit her access to him.  

On the other hand, if the husband shared the wife’s feelings, and could therefore be convinced to change his mind, then the couple would have a chance to reconcile. 

I believe there’s a way around this catch 22 that will maintain both the wife’s dignity and the husband’s autonomy, which I’ll describe below. 

Be Very Deliberate With What You Say And When You Say It:  Instead of just blurting out your feelings without knowing the likely outcome, you have the option of moving slowly and looking for clues about your husband’s feelings before you just come out with it. 

Because there is definitely going to be a right place and time to broach this topic. 

You need to find the optimum time in a cordial conversation that reflects the history between you. (Don’t do this at the first sign of harmony. Wait until things repeatedly feel easy between you.) Pick a time when you’re both at ease and enjoying yourselves. When you feel that the time is right and he may be receptive, you can try something like, “What a shame all of this is. If we had gotten along this well a few months ago, we may never have pursued a divorce. At times like this, I wonder if we made the right call or if we’ll regret divorcing someday. There have been days where I’ve already regretted it.” 

Notice that this statement is carefully crafted. The wife didn’t press the husband for his feelings or do anything to make him feel guilty if he didn’t share her musings. She simply stated her own feelings and left things open-ended so that her husband was free to pipe up if he wished, but he wasn’t pressured to do so. 

Carefully Evaluate Any Response: After the wife spoke, she should then listen very carefully and watch very closely for his response. 

What he says and how he says it offers very important clues about his feelings about (and intentions towards) a divorce. For example, he might attempt to diffuse the wife’s hints by saying something like, “I think we’re getting along now because the pressure is off due to the divorce. And I don’t think we’ll have any regrets.” 

With that type of response, the wife would know that it’s too early to share her feelings. The better call would be to try to improve the relationship even further before broaching the topic again. 

However, if the husband agrees with the wife, or admits that he’s been feeling the same way, now we’re cooking with gas. 

You’re not going to know which reaction you’ll get until you put your own feelings out there in a calculated, but careful way. 

That said, don’t be discouraged if you don’t get the reaction that you were looking for. That doesn’t necessarily mean defeat. It just means that you either have a bit more work to do, or you brought up the topic a little too soon. In which case, work, time, or both still give you a chance. 

Consider Having A Plan Before You Confess Your Changing Feelings About Divorce:  I’d like to mention one more consideration and option. As much as I hate to be a buzzkill, I’d like to caution you that very often, both people have hesitations about divorcing, but they still eventually do it anyway. 

Ending a marriage is a big decision that few people take lightly. Therefore, quite often, both spouses can honestly say that deep down, they don’t really want to divorce.  

Unfortunately, though, the feelings and wishes between the couple aren’t enough to keep them together. For whatever reason, one or both of them just cannot clear the deal-breaking issues between them. Often, there was never any concrete plan to identify and then make the needed changes to remove that dealbreaker once and for all. 

They also may have made the mistake of thinking that the feelings were enough, so they stopped there, and they didn’t finish the work. 

It’s very rare for a couple to be successful in the long term if they don’t finally effectively address their core issues. So now might be a good time to think about a plan to put in place BEFORE you even broach the subject of regretting the divorce. Your husband may be easier to convince if he knows there’s a workable and reasonable plan. 

I bring this up because I did not understand these principles, and I went in way too early, before I’d lain any groundwork with my separated husband at all. Thankfully, I was able to course-correct and came at it from another angle, and this eventually worked.  You can read about how I saved my marriage when it looked very doubtful at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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