Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I think it’s pretty fair to say that wives who are separated and trying to save their marriage are often willing to do just about anything to make this happen.  It’s a cliche that “all is fair in love and war,” but when you are staring a divorce right in the face, you’re generally not about to make distinctions.   And, one way that wives attempt to level the playing field or to give themselves a slight advantage is to attempt to make their husbands jealous.

I recently heard from a wife, who said in part: “My husband left me six weeks ago.  He is living with his old college roommate.  Although he has made no attempts to move forward with a divorce, he’s also made no attempts to spend much time with me to reconnect or save our marriage.  He is polite enough when we speak or meet, but he never goes beyond bland pleasantries, and this is becoming so frustrating to me.  I’ve started to think that maybe I should try to make him jealous.  I’m very close friends with a guy at work, and this has always driven my husband crazy.  I thought that maybe if my husband thought I had begun to go out with this guy as more than just friends, that might make him jealous and be the little push he needs to become interested in me again.  Is this a good idea?”

The jealousy strategy is a very tricky one because, although I have seen it work very well, I have also seen it backfire just as well.  I believe that it can work if you do it correctly and with a lot of restraint, which I will discuss more below.

Things To Avoid When You’re Trying To Make Your Husband Jealous While Separated: I’ve had wives confess to me that they’ve actually made up a fictional boyfriend or suitor in an attempt to make their husband jealous.  In other words, the wife has made up a nonexistent but perfect guy whose sole purpose in life is to get some reaction out of their husband.

This usually backfires because it’s just not realistic to think that you can keep this up for any length of time.  And if your husband even suspects that what you are saying isn’t true, your integrity and perceived attractiveness will likely plummet rather quickly, especially in your husband’s eyes.

So, you never want to make outrageous claims that are outright lies, and you never want to seem desperate or too eager to tell your husband all of the juicy details.  If it’s apparent that you just can’t wait to spill the beans about the new man in your life, the alarm is probably going to sound in your husband’s head.   And when it does, you might be very disappointed to hear him say that he hopes that you and your new man will be very happy together.  It’s for this reason that you want to be scarce (rather than generous) with the details.

The Illusion Of Someone Else Is Much Better Than The Reality Of Someone Else: Most of the time, when I see the jealousy strategy work, it works when the wife is able to make the husband think that there might be someone else by what she doesn’t say instead of by what she says.  In order for this to play out in the best way possible, your husband should be the one to broach whether you are seeing someone else.  If you yourself announce it, then the impact is lost.

If you aren’t sure how to go about this or you have your doubts that your husband is even going to care,  it’s best to just start to act “as if” you are happier.  Make sure that you’re dressed up and wearing a smile when you interact.  At some point, he might ask you what you’re so excited about and what has changed.  It might be very tempting to tell him that a special someone has brought about the change, but that would be your desperation showing.

Instead, smile and say something like “I’ve just decided to look at the bright side of things and to live my life.  Although things aren’t going as well as I’d like between us, there are other aspects of my life that are working out better, so I’m feeling pretty optimistic. ”  Now, at this point, your husband might straight up ask you if there is anyone else.  Trust me when I say that you are better off telling him that you’re seeing all types of male and female friends.  You don’t want to make any romantic claims or do any bragging.  You want to stick with the story that you’re just hanging out with various friends.  But you want to keep the mysterious smile and leaving him wondering.  His own mind will often do a good job of painting the desired picture.

The beauty of this plan is that, when you do get back together, you don’t really have any explaining to do, and there are no true elephants in the room.  In the above scenario, if this wife’s husband did come back, there would likely be resentment about the male coworker.  And there would potentially be an issue with her continuing to work with him.  However, if she just allowed her husband to draw his own conclusions without making any claims, then later, she would have nothing to defend.  She would continue to say that she was just trying to make the best of things while going out with friends who offered her some support and relief, even though no romance was involved.   The idea is that the real romance is all in your husband’s head (although he doesn’t need to know that at the time)  so that you have nothing to be sorry for later.

To be honest, I kind of lucked into this strategy when I was trying to save my own marriage.  It worked wonderfully (and was the only thing that did work), but it was never my master plan all along.  If it helps, you can read about how this jealousy drama played out on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives whose husbands have left them “because he needs some time to think.”   That’s pretty much the extent of what he tells the wife. Rarely does he go a little deeper and offer up an explanation as to just what “thinking” actually means. Understandably, the wives are not satisfied with his lack of a logical explanation.

A wife might ask, “What in the world does my husband have to think about?  He told me last week that he’s going to move out for a while because he needs ‘time to think.’  That’s pretty ridiculous to me.  I told him that he could think in any room in our home without my bothering him, so why on earth would he need to spend money living in a hotel just to use his brain for thinking?  I asked him what deep thoughts and issues he had to ponder, but was told I ‘just wouldn’t understand.’  Well, he’s right about that.  I don’t understand.  If there were things I needed to sort through, I wouldn’t leave my spouse to do it.  I feel like he’s feeding me a load of garbage.  What do men mean when they tell you they need time to ‘think?’  Is this just a nice way of saying that they want out of the marriage?”  I’ll try to address these questions in the following article.

When A Husband Tells You That He Needs Time Away To Think, He’s Often Going To Think About Your Marriage And What He Wants Out Of His Life: Most of the time, when husbands give you the “time to think” line, they are grappling with whether they are happy with their life and their marriage.  If they needed to think about a topic that didn’t include you or your marriage, then they wouldn’t need to distance themselves from you to ponder it.

So they often suspect (or hope) that being away from you for a while will give them both the literal and emotional distance to come to a conclusion without any influence from you.  If men in this scenario are being honest, they will tell you that they are no longer completely sure about the life path that they are on. They sometimes wonder how they could be happier or more fulfilled, and they aren’t sure what it is going to take to move them forward.

And it’s probably not a coincidence that this often occurs in mid-life or when men have an issue that makes them wonder if they are reaching their potential for happiness.  You’ll often hear them say things like “Is this all there is?”  Or “I’m not sure if I am leading the life that I was meant to lead.”  To be fair, their unhappiness or questions about their life are not your fault.  Sometimes, their issues and struggles don’t even have much to do with you.  Some men are pondering their personal achievements or career path.  Others are grappling with family relationships (or relationships with other people who are very close to them.)  So, it’s not always correct to assume that a man who wants “time” is going to suddenly file for a divorce or separation once he gets back.

Some men come back ready to improve their lives and their relationships and others come to believe that their relationships are the problem.  How you end up proceeding is somewhat dictated by what conclusions your husband comes to after he does his heavy thinking.

How To React When Your Husband Is Asking For “Time To Think”: How you choose to respond to your husband’s request depends on what you want the outcome to be.  Once the wife in the above scenario calmed down, she might decide that she didn’t want to alienate or be overly critical of her husband.  Perhaps he’d always been supportive of her, and so she may decide that even if she thought the need to “think” was a bit overly dramatic, there was no reason that she couldn’t offer him the support and time that he had asked for.

Because she wants to not only save her marriage but to make it as strong as it could possibly be, she may decide to do her own soul searching and thinking while he is away.

One thing that many people do not understand is that anything that you can do to strengthen yourself on an individual basis is going to also strengthen and improve your marriage most of the time.   You have a much greater chance of success if you have two whole and happy people coming to the table rather than one or both people who are dealing with their own personal struggles, projections, or fears.

So to answer the questions posed, men often ask for time to think when they are facing a crossroads in their lives, and they are struggling with their own personal happiness.  They are often seeking answers as to what is causing their unhappiness and pondering what they can do to fix it.  If you love the man who wants the “time” and you want him to be happy, your best bet is to offer both your support and the time that he has requested.  Because at the end of the day, you want him to come to realize that you are part of the solution rather than the problem.

When my own husband asked for space and time to think, I did not understand these principles, and I resisted with everything I had.  I questioned him, debated with him, and tried my best to keep him at home and under my watchful eye.  This tactic quickly backfired, and it became quite clear that I either needed to give him time or give him a divorce.  Once I understood this, I was able to come up with a strategy to save my marriage that eventually worked.  You can read more about the strategies that worked and those that didn’t on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from wives who are struggling to deal with a trial separation.  Many aren’t sure how they are supposed to be acting or feeling.  They also aren’t sure whether their husband is ever going to come home or commit to working on the marriage.  This uncertainty can be extremely hard to deal with.

I recently heard from a wife who said, in part: “My husband told me he wanted a trial separation about three months ago.  He left home about seven weeks ago.  As of today, he still has no idea what he wants.  Some days, he seems to have a positive attitude, and he is more receptive and sweet to me.  And, other days, he will act as if he’s loving his freedom and as if he might never come back home.  Not knowing what is going to happen with my marriage is driving me crazy.  I have tried to be patient, but I’m at the point where I feel as if my life is on hold.  I feel like I am made to live in limbo while I’m supposed to wait patiently for him to make up his mind.  How do I deal with this?  Because there are some days when I think that I could accept it if he told me he was never coming back, because at least I would have a definitive answer.  But then, once I calm down, I know this isn’t true.  If he’s going to make the decision to leave me for good, I’d rather put that off as long as possible.  But at the same time, this is very difficult.  How do I cope with the uncertainty?”

I understand exactly where this wife is coming from.  I felt the same way when my husband and I were separated.  On the one hand, I was desperate for answers.  But on the other hand, I didn’t want the answers to come if they were going to be the answers that I did not want to hear.  So like the wife above, I was caught in limbo for a while, especially since I was so depressed that I didn’t venture out a lot on my own at first.  But with the help of others and after finally being honest with myself, I decided to change my tactics.  And this truly did make all the difference, which I will discuss more below.

The Uncertainty Feels Much Worse When You Dwell On It.  Once You Let Go (Even A Little Bit,) It Loses Its Power Over You: If you are in this situation, you probably already know that the uncertainty and turmoil seem to get worse every day.  Every night when you go to sleep without an answer, you wonder how much longer you will be able to take this.

Of course, this is a vicious cycle.  The more desperate you become, the more pressure you put on your husband.  And the more you pressure him, the less likely you are to get the answer you want and the more compelled he feels to take his sweet time.

To stop this cycle, you’ll often first need to stop dwelling.  I know that this is difficult, but it is the only way to get some relief.  You will often have to convince yourself that the right answer is going to come at the right time.  And, until then, there really is no sense in making yourself miserable and even lessening your chances that your husband is going to come back by demanding answers or decisions that your husband might not yet have.

It’s important to understand that rushing him is more likely to make him feel like he wants to just walk away.  But honestly, if you let go just a little and take even a tiny step back, you will often get faster and better results.  In the meantime, you have to keep yourself busy, and you may have to literally force this upon yourself.  But it does get easier with time.

Forcing Yourself To Back Off Will Often Make The Process Go More Quickly: So let’s talk about what you gain when you back up a little.  If you force yourself to remain busy with other things, to go out with friends, to pursue your hobbies and dreams, and to not hold onto your husband’s distant decision with a death grip, this whole issue loses its immediacy and its power.

Sure, you may well still want answers, and you’ll likely still hate the uncertainty.  But you won’t be as tortured by it because you will legitimately have other things to do.   This helps you in more ways than you probably realize.  Not only will it usually provide immediate relief, but it will often increase the chances that you get the long-term results that you are after.

It’s not at all uncommon for husbands to suddenly pay attention and regain interest when you’re no longer there hanging on their every word and their every action.  Your stock goes up nearly immediately, and suddenly, your whereabouts and activities are much more important to them.  And the result is often that he’s suddenly inspired to move more quickly because you are no longer waiting for exactly that. It’s kind of amazing how that works, but that’s often precisely how it does.

I know that backing off a little and living your life outside of what is happening with your marriage can be a scary thought.  But time and time again, I’ve seen it be the best strategy that is most likely to make your husband make the quickest decision possible about coming home and working things out.

I wish I had known then what I’m telling you now. Unfortunately, I pushed my husband and tried to rush him into a decision about our separation. Of course, I got the answer that I didn’t want, and I had that much more work to do to save my marriage. It wasn’t until I backed off that I made any real progress. If it helps, you can read that very emotional story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I am most often contacted by wives who are looking for a way to stop their husbands from leaving or going through with a separation or divorce.  Some are willing to do absolutely everything in their power to stop him from walking out the marital door.  But, as they are carrying this out, many aren’t sure if this strategy is the way to go.  Often, they can see him only intensifying his wish to go with every attempt they make.

I recently heard from a wife who said, in part: “My husband has been open and clear about his wish to leave me.  In fact, he told me that he planned to move out next weekend.  I am absolutely devastated, and my first inclination is to do whatever I have to do to ensure that he never walks out that door.  We have debated this for weeks, but I still have a few tricks left up my sleeve that I think are worth a try.  My best friend, however, thinks that I am degrading myself by basically throwing myself at my husband’s feet and begging him not to go.  She says that when I act like this, I’m only lessening my chances that he will stay or ever want to come back.  She says my best bet is to let him go with a little dignity and hope that he comes back.  Who is right? Should I let him leave?”

I will try to answer these questions in the following article.

If You’re Acting In Very Volatile And Negative Ways To Keep Him From Leaving, Then You Often Aren’t Helping Yourself: In this particular instance, I agreed with the wife’s friend.  As the wife described it to me, her desperate actions were only digging her into a bigger mess and were getting a very negative response from her husband.  If she kept going at the rate that she was, there was a chance that she could eventually alienate herself from him completely.  For a woman whose main goal was to eventually save her marriage, this was not the best strategy or plan.

If you’re only able to keep him by acting so volatile, embarrassing, or scary that he’s afraid to leave you on your own, then you haven’t really kept him by legitimate means.  And, as soon as you drop the act, you risk him mentioning leaving again.  (Also, many husbands in this situation will eventually get tired of waiting anyway.)  Taking this even further, the question of whether she should “let him leave” almost implied that she was going to attempt to physically restrain him from going.   And there is not much that is good about that mental picture or eventual reality.

I understand that the thought of seeing him clear the threshold and then shut the door behind him may seem like the worst thing imaginable right now, but, if you want to have any chance of him eventually coming back willingly and actually wanting to be with you, alienating him by attempting to force him to change his mind is probably not the best way to go about it.  If he changes his mind at all with this strategy, it will probably be out of fear, guilt, or pity. And none of these things inspires long-term results.  You can’t keep up the charade forever, and I can’t imagine why you’d want to.

Deciding Between The Alternative Of Willingly Letting Him Go (While Having a Plan) Or Offering An Alternative: In my own opinion and experience, there are really only two alternatives that have the best chance of long-term success.  By long-term success, I mean that, once this thing resolves itself, your husband will either have decided not to leave after all (and you’re about to save your marriage)  or he comes back after he left because he decides that he wants to work things out.

Sometimes, this happens when the wife “lets the husband go” while telling him that his happiness and well-being are important to her and that she wants to keep the lines of communication open because she doesn’t want to surrender the relationship just because it is changing.  I know that this strategy may seem very scary to you right now, but I very often see it work when the wife plays it correctly.

The key to making it work is making it believable.  He must truly believe that you are so sincere about wanting him to be happy that you are willing to let him go.  Now, with this said, this step is usually all part of a master plan.  The idea is that you are letting him go for the short term as a means to get access to him and to encourage him to think of you more favorably.  While this is happening, you are (behind the scenes) working on changing his mind about you, and the marriage is a very low-key way.  You allow and encourage him to see you as a strong and capable woman rather than one who is begging him not to go because she is not confident that, at the end of the day, you belong together.

So this is one strategy.  And, when played correctly, this is the strategy that I see most often working because it allows the husband to see his wife in a new light so that when he does come back, both people feel like equals and willing participants in saving the marriage.   The wife can (and often does) have more confidence that the husband is sincere in his love for her and desire to save the marriage because she knows that she didn’t lure him back out of guilt, pity, or obligation.

The other strategy is to take control by being the one to leave.  In this way, you’re upping the odds that you will get back together or keep your marriage intact because it’s easier for you to return home once things improve than to talk him into coming back once he has already left.  So, this strategy is often more appealing because it makes you feel as if you have a greater sense of control, and it’s not as scary because he is still in your home.  But the downside to this strategy is that you both might always wonder what might have happened if you had willingly given him the freedom he asked for.  And because this question hangs between you, one or both of you might have some doubts.

My knowledge of this topic stems from my going through it.  A couple of years ago, my husband made it clear that I had to give him his space, or he was going to file for divorce to get it.  Unfortunately, I did not understand these principles, and I fought him every step of the way, which nearly cost me my marriage.  Once I changed strategies and cooperated with him rather than fought him, that made all the difference.  If it helps, you can read about how this played out on my blog at http//isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  I often hear from wives who are at the end of their ropes with their husband’s behavior.  Many of them are in a situation where they don’t want to or can’t get a divorce, so they know that they are going to be stuck with this person through thick and thin.  But that doesn’t mean that they always enjoy how he acts or treats them.  And many find that, over time, their tolerance for their husband’s annoying, nasty, or downright rude behavior and treatment of them begins to wane, and they want to take some action.

I recently heard from a wife who said, in part: “My husband is not a bad guy, but sometimes, he is a bad husband.  When we met, he was loving and outgoing.  Today, he is neither.  He is sarcastic.  He can be mean.  And he’s very often lazy.  His attitude is that he works hard all day and, when he comes home, he should not have to lift a finger.  In the meantime, I am juggling my job, my parents, this house, and our kids.  But he would never think of doing anything to lighten my load, and when I’m reluctant to have sex with him because I’m just tired and frustrated, he makes comments that show he thinks most of this is my fault and that I’m letting him down in some way.  He is rarely loving or complimentary towards me.  I might fall over from shock if he gave me a compliment.   If you had told me 10 years ago that the man that I loved would turn into one of those bad husbands from a sitcom, I would have never believed you.  But that’s almost exactly what I have.  I don’t want to leave him or get a divorce.  I love him, and we have kids.  But I don’t know how much longer I can stand his behavior.  When I call him on it, though, he acts as if I’m an overly emotional female, shrugs it off, or makes some joke.   How can I get him to change?”

To start, I asked this wife how she had been attempting to get him to change his behavior in the past.  She said that most of the time, she would call him on it and either tell him that she didn’t appreciate it or point it out and then withdraw altogether, hoping that he would “get the hint.”  This obviously had not worked because, in response, the husband would either bump up his negative behavior or paint his wife as overly critical or overly emotional.  So, I felt that the first step was going to be to change tactics, which I’ll discuss below.

Continue To Call Him On His Bad Behavior, But Do It In A Completely Different Way: I would never suggest that you allow your husband to continue on with his bad behavior without any comment or reaction.  But I have to tell you what I often hear from the husbands who are on the other side of the equation.  If you talked to them, what you would hear is that their wife always paints them out to be the “bad guy” and seems to take great pleasure in constantly pointing out their many faults.

I often hear comments like: “My wife acts as if I’m an evil ogre or something.  I can’t do anything right in her eyes, and she seems to just love to tell me that as often as she can.  There’s no winning with her.  When I try to do better, she doesn’t even notice, so what is the point?”

And this is why you will often have better results if you try to find a way to paint your husband as the good guy rather than the bad guy.  Because if you do, you are going to get a much more positive response and more cooperation from him.  He will feel appreciated, and you will get what you want.  It truly is a win/win.  But if you continue to handle it with more criticism and disappointment, you’re likely to experience more of the bad behavior and even resentment, which can motivate your husband to want to continue to push your buttons.

I’m certainly not suggesting that you ignore his behavior or even try to make the best of it.  What I am suggesting is that you approach this in an entirely different way and hope that you get a different (and better) result.

Changing His Behavior By Making Him Want To Do Better: In my experience, the whole key is to give your husband a positive payoff for which to strive.  If you can compliment him (and reward him) when he exhibits the behavior that you want, then he will be much more likely to repeat it without complaint.   One reason for this is that he feels validated.  You are seeing him as the good guy that you both know that he, deep down, truly is.  Men love to play the role of the hero.  So allow him to play the hero rather than the bad guy.  He will be much more enthusiastic as a result.

My suggestion would be this.  The next time that the wife comes home and the husband starts with his negative behavior, the wife might say something like: “I can see that you probably had an exhausting day, just like I did.  Why don’t we order in and take turns giving each other a back rub?  We’ll both feel better, and everything else can wait.”  Normally, the wife would have torn into her husband and, waiting for a fight, he would have responded in kind.

But this way, both people are getting some relief, and a fight is avoided.  Another strategy to use is to find your husband doing something right and to react even more strongly than you react when he does something wrong.  Not only should you praise him to his face, but you should praise him to whoever will listen right in front of him.  He will feel pride instead of frustration, and he will look for ways to repeat the same positive behaviors.   It doesn’t hurt to praise him with your own physical affection when he is acting in the way that you hoped.  This is a huge motivator for him to continue on and, in the meantime, you are both connecting with one another and making it more likely that both of you want to be kind and supportive of the other.

Basically, you are giving him the chance and encouraging him to do things right rather than waiting for him to do things wrong and then pouncing when he does.  It took me way too long to learn this myself.  My husband and I were constantly focused on the bad in each other and on pointing out the flaws in our marriage.  Things got so bad that we separated and were on our way toward divorce.  I finally realized I had to make some drastic changes if I wanted to save my marriage.  If it helps, you can read more about what worked for me and what didn’t on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  Knowing the couple I’m about to describe, as I already do, I can pretty much picture the scene in my mind.  And since I myself went through the same scene in what seems like another lifetime ago, I’ve felt what I know that the wife is feeling right now.  I can literally not only see what probably went down in my mind’s eye, but I can almost experience the feelings that go along with it.  Here’s how it plays out in my head and also in my own memories.

Seemingly out of the blue, the husband announces that he doesn’t want “this” anymore.

“This?” The wife asks.  “What do you mean you don’t want ‘this’ anymore?”

“The marriage.”  He finally replied.  “I don’t want the marriage anymore.  I don’t think I’m the type of guy who is meant to be married.  Being responsible for someone else just isn’t in my makeup.  I’m not happy.  I don’t want to hurt you by saying that, but I haven’t been happy in far too long.”

The wife feels her pulse quicken.  Her mouth goes dry. She can’t believe she’s hearing this.  Just last week,  they’d vacationed on the site of their honeymoon.  Just two days ago, he proclaimed his love for her.  “You’re just under a lot of stress,” she rationalizes.  We’ll go to counseling.  We’ll sort this out.  We love each other, and we can get through anything as long as we work together.”

The husband sighs and shakes his head with a silent ‘no.’  “I don’t think so,” he insists.  “I’m not going to change my mind.  I feel like I’m not really living my life.  I can’t put myself on hold any longer.  I’m very sorry, but I just don’t want this for even one more day.  I’ll do everything in my power to make sure this is amicable, but I’m done.”

Admittedly, maybe I took some creative license here.  But scenes like this one play out each and every day.  And yes, I wrote it to be pretty heavy on the dramatics.  But the reason that I expressed it in the way that I did is because I know that it literally feels every bit as dramatic as it reads to the wife who is standing there hearing those words.  And I know that the wife who has found this article wants some answers and is looking for any hope that she can find.  While I can’t tell you if your husband is ever going to change his mind or exactly how you are going to make this happen, I can offer some suggestions to you as to what I have found works the best for all involved.  I will do that below.

Much Of The Time, Trying To Change The Mind Of A Husband Who Insists That He’s Not Going To Change It Is An Exercise In Futility: Those of us who have had our husbands tell us that he’s not going to change his mind about wanting us or the marriage often hear the “change my mind” part as almost a challenge.  Because we know that this is precisely what we must do in order to save our marriage.

But here’s the thing. He’s pretty much told you that you’re going to be wasting your time if you try to make him see that he is wrong.  So often, when you attempt to do just that, he’s going to be especially invested in making sure that you do not succeed.  He wants to be right every bit as much as you do.  And sometimes, even if he’s beginning to have conflicting thoughts, he’d rather hide or deny this than admit that you were right and he was wrong.  And what will he do in response?  He will cling even more tightly to his assertions, even if they are wavering.  And unfortunately, this just brings you closer to the end of your marriage.

So you are better off (at least in my opinion) making it appear that changing his mind is the last thing on yours.  If he thinks that you accept his position, then he has no reason to cling to it like a life raft.  He may even lessen his grip just a little bit, which can be a good thing for you.

Consider Giving Him A Bit Of What He Thinks He Needs In Order To Be Happy So That He Can Come To His Own Conclusions: You and I both know that it’s likely not your marriage that is making your husband unhappy.  He may not realize the same right now, but if you give him enough space to explore this, there is a chance that he will soon find out what you already know.

This husband (like many) felt that his marriage and his responsibilities were keeping him from truly experiencing the life and the freedom that he felt he ought to enjoy.  Well, then, by all means, consider lowering the marital gate.   Perhaps you could tell him that you don’t want him to feel so trapped, as it was never your intention to make him unhappy.  Perhaps you offer to stay with friends or family so that he can experience what life is like when he doesn’t have a wife and marital life to come home to.

I know that this might not sound all that appealing to you right now.  But, if he is never allowed to discover that this carefree lifestyle is perhaps lonely and isolating rather than freeing, then, even if he does end up staying with you and the marriage, he’s always going to wonder what might have been.  And he’s always going to look at his “freedom” as something that you tried to keep him from.  Therefore, all of those frustrating feelings of being “stuck” are still probably going to be associated with you and your marriage.

Quite honestly, a good deal of husbands in this situation eventually end up figuring out that the trade-off for that freedom they want is a bitter loneliness and sense of loss for pushing away the one person who truly loves and knows them.  I can’t guarantee that this will always happen.  But, if you look at it rationally, you already have a husband who is determined to shed what he thinks is holding him back.  How is that going to change if he’s not allowed a glimpse of exactly what he is risking for a chance at perceived happiness?

At the very least, I think (and know from experience) that it makes sense to at least play along for a little while and see where that leads you.  Because I can tell you those very few husbands who insist that they aren’t going to change their minds about not wanting the marriage actually end up changing it without a little intervention first.

I know all of this because it was my reality.  And like you are probably tempted to do, I made every effort to change my husband’s mind about our marriage.  And he made every effort to stop me.  It wasn’t until I pretended to play along (and loosened my grip) that I began to make some progress.  I was eventually able to build on this progress (a little at a time) and save our marriage.  If it helps, you can read more about how I was able to do this on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from wives who are trying to gauge if things are looking positive or hopeful during their separation.  Many will recount details and ask me if they are seeing signs that are good or bad or which might indicate that there’s a better or worse chance that the two of them will reconcile or get back together.

I recently heard from a wife whose husband had been telling her that he would always love her, but he still wasn’t making any moves to come back home.  She said, in part:  “I’ve been trying to stay positive and upbeat.  And this has helped a lot because I’ve noticed that when I do this, he reaches out more and he’s not so reluctant to be around me.  The other day, we were laughing about something and having a really nice time together and out of the blue he said: ‘you know that I will always love you, right?’  I didn’t want to break the spell by asking a lot of questions or overreacting so I smiled and said, ‘well, I’ll always love you too.’  But I’d hoped that this might be the start of things changing between us and him considering coming home and reconciling.  But that hasn’t happened.  Although we’re still having a good time together, he hasn’t called off the separation or even tried to move our relationship toward something more permanent.  I just don’t understand it.  Wouldn’t it be a good sign if he told me he will always love me? But yet, it hasn’t seemed to make a difference?  Was he just trying to be nice?  Why would he say that to me if he wasn’t going to act on it?” I’ll try to address some of these questions in the following article.

It Can Be A Good Sign If Your Husband Is Telling You That He Will Always Love You During The Separation, But You Can’t Always Make Assumptions As To What This Really Means: It can feel really good to hear him say that he’ll always love you no matter what.  And this is certainly better than him denying that he feels any love for you at all (which can sometimes happen.)  Him being comfortable enough around you and feeling positively enough toward you to declare his love for you can certainly be a good sign that things are going well and that the two of you are connecting.  But, this declaration doesn’t always mean that he’s sure that he wants to get back together or that he wants to end the separation.  There are actually many reasons that a husband might tell you that he’ll always love you, even when you’re separated.  I’ll discuss some of the most common of these reasons below.

He Might Be Saying That He Will Always Love You Because He’s Caught Up In The Moment, Is Having Legitimate Feelings, And Wants To Share Them With You: There are times when a husband will tell his wife that he will always love her during a separation because of guilt feelings or to let her know that although things didn’t or aren’t going to work out, he will always think of her positively.  This is his way of telling you that your marriage, your love, and your time together wasn’t a waste – and that it mattered.

Sometimes it goes beyond this though.  Sometimes, when things are going well between you and you’ve both let down your guard, aren’t focusing on your present problems, and are just enjoying each other’s company, your husband might be feeling the same things that you are – that connection and chemistry between you.  He may not be thinking too deeply when he blurts out his feelings.   And, yes, this is a very positive sign.  It means that he can and does still have romantic or loving feelings and this can be the foundation for getting back together and turning things around.  But, I have to tell you that this isn’t automatic.  Husbands separate or get divorced every day from wives that they still love very much because they don’t think that things can or will work out or change.

Him Still Loving You ( Or Declaring That He Will Always Love You) Doesn’t Always Mean That The Separation Is Over Or That You Will Immediately Save Your Marriage Unless You Take Action: Unfortunately, in some real-life situations, love isn’t always enough. Just continuing to love one another doesn’t always mean that your marriage is going to work out or be saved in the end.  In order for this to happen, both of you need to believe that you love each other AND that this love can be the foundation for real changes and adjustments that make the marriage one that you both want to continue on with.

There are countless separated or divorced couples that will freely admit (often quite sadly) that they still love each other very much, and yet, despite this, they just couldn’t (or can’t) make it work.  So while him still loving you or saying that he will always love you can be a very good sign that you should build on, it’s not the only thing that is needed.  However, you certainly can (and should) use this as the inspiration to begin to get to work to change your husband’s perceptions and to overcome his reluctance.

The wife in this situation was right not to immediately get all excited, press for more details, or ask a lot of questions.  Doing so will often make a husband sorry that he said anything at all.  Instead, I felt that she should continue right on with what she was doing because obviously, it was working somewhat.  She should also place some of her focus on determining what were her husband’s most persuasive reservations about getting back together and then try to change those (in a not too obvious way.)

So yes, this all can be very encouraging.  But don’t make the mistake of thinking that his love for you automatically means your marriage is saved.  While it can mean that your marriage has the potential to be saved, this often isn’t automatic.

My husband and I were both pretty clear on the fact that we still loved each other, but for a long time, we just couldn’t make it work and we separated.  For way too long, I let my fears and doubts inspire my actions and this made things much worse.  Eventually, I decided to play it differently. As the result, I was able to not only restore my husband’s love but to save our marriage. You can read more about how I was able to do this on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/.

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who are getting pretty tired of the patient and understanding approach when waiting for their husbands to make a decision about the marriage and to come back home. They often begin to wonder if they should change their approach and instead give their husbands a dose of “tough love” or an ultimatum, especially since nothing else has worked so far.

I recently heard from a wife who said, in part: “When my husband left because he wasn’t sure if he wanted to stay married, I figured arguing and acting nasty about it wouldn’t do any good.  So, I tried to be understanding and told him to do what he needed to do, and I would be here when he came back.  Well, that was months ago, and nothing has changed.   When I ask him if he’s made up his mind or if he is coming home, he tells me he still doesn’t know and that he’s still evaluating his life.  Well, that’s great and all, but where does that leave me?  Because he doesn’t seem any closer to coming home than he did two months ago.  At this point, I’m considering a “tough love” approach.  I feel like telling him that while he’s taking his sweet time, I just might not be here when he gets back, and I just might find a man who doesn’t have to weigh his options or sort out his feelings to decide if he wants to be with me.  What do you think?  Will tough love or an ultimatum work or help?”

These are difficult questions to answer because I don’t know either person personally.  Sometimes, when the wife runs out of patience, this gives the husband a little nudge, but more often, it only makes him feel pressured and angry, and so he’s less likely to come home.  In the following, I’ll explain an approach that I believe is more successful than the tough love approach.

You’re Right That Sometimes Your Husband Has No Incentive To Make Up His Mind, So It Can Make Sense To Change Things Up: The wife in this scenario had a right to feel as she did.  And as long as she continued to tell her husband that she would wait for him to make up his mind, he really had no incentive to be on any certain and speedy time frame.  And some wives are OK with this because they want him to thoroughly think about what he truly wants, so that if and when he does come back, they have the confidence that he is there of his own free will and there’s a better chance that he’s home for good.

But not every wife feels this way.  Some just lose their patience and have the feeling that he’s never going to be in any hurry to move forward.  I do understand this.  And I do agree that if you feel that you are being taken advantage of or not taken seriously, it can make sense to change strategies to shake things up a bit.

Be Careful Of Any Tough Love Approach.  I Prefer To Stop Just Short Of  Ultimatums Or Negative Messages: Here is one major problem with “tough love.”  It is very difficult to deliver this message without it coming out as very negative and manipulative.  Very few men respond positively to it.  I probably cannot think of more than a few scenarios where the husband reacted as the wife wanted.  Instead, many will tell you that if you’re tired of waiting, you are free to move forward with your own life or with ending the marriage.

That’s why I prefer a method that sort of gives you the best of both worlds.  I usually advocate continuing on with your patient and loving attitude while you stop waiting around for his big “decision” about your marriage.  In other words, you start to live your life without continuing to hold your breath and wait for him.  There’s no need to make any grand announcement or declaration.  It’s unnecessary (and often not a good idea) to proclaim that since he can’t seem to make up his mind, you’re no longer waiting.

He will notice the difference without your having to do this.  And, at the same time, you don’t want to come off as resentful or overly dramatic.  You simply stop asking about his decisions or his feelings all the time.   You drop that topic and remain as pleasant as you can possibly be, but you make it clear that you’re moving on and living your life because you’re no longer going to remain in limbo.  Does this mean you try to make your husband jealous or hint that you’re seeing other people?  This might be taking it a bit too far.  Instead, you hang out with girlfriends, you take advantage of the time to clear your own head, and you do things that you enjoy but have been putting off while you have been waiting for him.

Usually, the husband notices these changes without your needing to make a big announcement.  And once you’re no longer pressuring him or continuing to constantly ask about him coming home, he will usually wonder why and begin to have some interest in you and your life once again because of his own curiosity.  And sometimes, if you continue to play your cards right, this tactic will actually get him home faster (and in a more positive way) than tough love or an ultimatum ever could. And, it avoids the resentment that usually comes from forcing someone to hurry up before they are ready to do so.  By just living your own life without any pressure, you’re allowing him to make his own decisions and set his own pace while showing him that it might be in his best interest to step the process up a bit.

I know this from experience.  I tried ultimatums, playing hardball, and all sorts of negativity when I was trying to force my husband to come back home.  These things didn’t work and made our situation worse. Things continued to deteriorate until I figured out that my actions were pushing my husband further away. Fortunately, I was able to change course and save the marriage. You can read more about how this played out on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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By: Leslie Cane:  I often hear from people who are nearly desperate to reconcile their marriage.  Some don’t yet have their spouse’s full cooperation, commitment, or support.  Many believe that if they can just get their spouse on board, then everything else should fall into place.  This isn’t always the case.  Sometimes, both people can want to work things out more than anything, but they still run into the common problems or pitfalls that occur somewhere along the way.  In the following article, I’ll tell you the common problems that I see crop up over and over again for couples who are trying to reconcile their marriage in the hopes that this will help you to avoid and address them.

One Or Both Spouses Expect Too Much Too Soon: This is probably the most common problem that I see.  People sometimes expect or hope that reconciling means completely working things out or completely fixing their marriage seemingly overnight.  Just wanting to work things out doesn’t always mean that your wishes immediately turn into reality.  It usually takes a real effort combined with time, skill, a very solid plan, and a little luck.  And unfortunately, sometimes when people don’t see real and immediate progress, they throw up their hands with phrases like “this just isn’t going to work,” when in reality they never gave it a fair chance in the first place. Another issue that comes up time and time again is that it’s very common to have one enthusiastic spouse and one reluctant one.  What I mean by this is that usually one person wants the reconciliation a good deal more than the other, or one spouse has their doubts if working things out is even possible.  Often, the enthusiastic spouse will pressure the other or become disappointed when they don’t see the enthusiasm or the commitment that they were hoping for. It’s important to understand that this is a process.  You probably won’t be on the same page or feel the same things the entire time, and this can be worked through as long as you keep trying and don’t give up.

One Or Both People Believe That In Order To Truly Reconcile, They Must Completely Eliminate Or Agree On Every Problem Or Issue In Their Marriage: Sometimes, people go into the reconciliation process believing that when they come out of it, all of their problems should be solved.  They expect that the issues that brought them there in the first place should be completely shored up and removed so that they never come up again.  This isn’t always realistic.  And sometimes when the issues or problems recur, one or both people will think that the process didn’t “really work” or that their marriage is doomed to finally fail. What people sometimes don’t understand is that reconciling or saving your marriage doesn’t mean that your issues will suddenly disappear.  People don’t just change their mind, their stance, or the core of who they are because their spouse wants them to.

But if you are able to work things out successfully, then you learn to deal with your issues in a different way.  The issues may well still be there from time to time, but when they are, they no longer shake your marriage to its core because you’ve learned new and better ways of dealing with them and each other. You might agree to disagree about certain things in your marriage and actually be able to negotiate successfully this time. Or, you may just decide to prioritize which issues you can and cannot tolerate because your marriage and your spouse are that important to you.  But neither of these things means that the issues will just go away.  Hopefully, though, you’ve been able to make so much progress during the reconciliation process that this shouldn’t matter as much as you might suspect.

Many Couples Don’t Understand That The Reconciliation Process Is An Ongoing One That Sometimes Needs To Be Revisited, Or Tweaked: Some people see reconciling their marriage as a one-time deal.  This can especially be true of the reluctant spouse.  They can believe that once this whole process is over, they are free to not having to revisit it again.  The thing is, it’s perfectly normal (and understandable) to revert back to old behaviors, habits, and beliefs sometimes.  That’s why it’s important to understand that this really is an ongoing process.

Sure, you should have to address your marital issues, much less as time goes on and as you work through them and strengthen your marriage, but it’s unrealistic to think that you can just go back to your old way of doing things without any consequence.  It’s often necessary to continue to “check in” on your marriage and with your spouse, and it’s a safe bet that you will need to continue to prioritize and make time for your spouse and your marriage.  This may seem like common sense, but I can’t tell you how many couples revert to habit once they believe that the crisis is over.  And what happens?  They end right back up to where they started – with a marriage that is once again challenged, but now with patience wearing thin and frustrations running high.

The thing is, every time you have to revisit your marriage, try to save or reconcile it, or decide whether to walk away from it, the process becomes more and more difficult because each spouse begins to have more and more doubt, and people begin to have thoughts like “here we go again.  Should this really be so difficult if we truly love each other and are meant to be together?” It is so much easier to reconcile once, put everything you have into it, and then continue to monitor and tweak it as needed than to have to start over each time it goes off the rails.

It is always possible to reconcile your marriage and to make it better than it ever was before.  But it’s not a one-time deal, and it often requires a bit more commitment, cooperation, and skill than people originally believed. My first attempts at reconciling my marriage failed miserably.  My husband wasn’t sure if he wanted to save our marriage, and I pushed him too far, too fast.  Things got so bad that we almost divorced.  Eventually, I learned to view this as an ongoing process and to approach it from another angle, and this eventually worked well for us.  If it helps, you can read more about how I did this on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I get correspondence from wives who are trying to get their husbands to come back home. Sometimes, I hear back from those who were successful in making this happen. Most are thrilled, but a few are not. Sometimes, when a husband finally comes back, it soon becomes very clear that he’s not all that happy to be there or is not truly invested in saving the marriage. And in these cases, it’s an ironic victory because you have him at home where you want him, but he’s only going through the motions and isn’t really present at all. Wives can begin to fear that a large degree of guilt is at play.

I recently heard from a wife who feared that her husband had only come back to her out of guilt and pity.   This concerned her a great deal because, even though the husband had come back and moved back into their home, he really only interacted with their children and was pretty much ignoring the wife.  She said, in part:  “For the three months that my husband was gone, my sole focus was getting him home.  I thought that if I could just entice or lure him back home, our problems would be over.  For the first two months, he wanted nothing to do with this.  He made it clear that he was happy being apart.   Then, without any prompting from me, my kids started telling him how much they missed him and how sad they were that he was gone.  Recently, my mother-in-law came over and saw that our yard hadn’t been kept up and that my kids were no longer their happy and loving selves.  Then, I made the mistake of telling her that I was behind on our bills.  Well, she must have reported this to my husband because within two days, he came home unannounced with his bags in tow.  We’ve never discussed why he came home, but it’s clear that while he’s happy to be living with the kids, he doesn’t have much interest in me.  We haven’t had sex or really any physical contact since he’s been back.  We never discussed why he’s here and what he wants to happen.  He’ll make little comments like ‘it’s clear you’d never make it alone.’   I wanted him to come back so badly, but not in this way.  What am I supposed to do when I’m pretty sure he only came back out of guilt or obligation?  I don’t want him to leave again, but I don’t want this kind of marriage either.”

This is a heartbreaking catch-22.  Sure, he’s back, but he’s not completely there.  And he’s not willing to work on the marriage, so it becomes clear that you’re only getting back a fraction of him.  As difficult as this is, I truly feel that it can be better than the alternative of him still being out of the house.  While this situation isn’t ideal, it does give you a man who is physically present, which makes it easier to save your marriage than if he were still living a separate roof.

Try To Focus On The Fact That He Did Come Back So That You Can Move Forward Without Dwelling On The Reason For His Reluctant Presence: I know that it’s very difficult to ignore the obvious, and I’m not suggesting that you should just pretend that everything is fine.  But, at the same time, if you continue to dwell solely on the unfortunate reason that you suspect brought him back to you, then you’re delaying your progress and your attempts to save your marriage.

It’s better to focus on making the best of the situation so that you can gradually obtain his cooperation and make him glad that he came back, no matter what truly brought you to this point.   I know from experience that it is possible to save your marriage when only one person is invested or interested in doing so – especially at the beginning of the process.  So I’m not convinced that you always need your husband completely on board in the beginning stages of saving your marriage.  You’ll see that things become much easier once he begins to change his mind and eventually to cooperate and be receptive to you.  But at first, at least in my experience and opinion, this isn’t always a requirement.

There is plenty that you can do to begin to improve your marriage and your intimacy without his participation.  Often, he’ll have no idea that you are doing this, which can be a positive thing because when he doesn’t know what you are doing, he’s not as likely to try to resist or block your attempt at progress.

Saving Your Marriage While Your Husband Is Only Physically Present But Not Truly Cooperating: So what can you do individually to save your marriage?  You can start by creating a positive environment.  It was obvious that while the husband was content when he was around his kids, he was pretty sullen around his wife because the tension and awkwardness were at play.  This needed to change because if it didn’t, the husband was going to continue to avoid the wife and would eventually associate her presence with discomfort and other negative images.

So I felt it was important that the wife remain upbeat and pleasant to be around, even if she felt like this was all for show.  This one change was likely to get her husband’s attention, even if he was doubtful and resistant at first.  And while I realized that the wife wanted to have long discussions about why he left, why he came back, and where the marriage went from here, now was not the time to do that.  Their marriage was already on very shaky ground, so continuing to analyze or challenge it was probably not a good idea.  You can usually delay this until you’re both invested.

Your real goal is to lessen the tension, create a sense of cooperation, and make your home a place that you both want to be.  If that means backing off for a while and focusing on the small things that you can control while this transition is happening, there is nothing wrong with that strategy.  Sometimes, you have to look at this as more of a process than an immediate goal.  And while it’s true that your husband may have initially come back to you out of guilt, the most crucial fact is that he is back, and now is the time to make the most of it.  So, show him a spouse who is easy to relate to, who isn’t constantly questioning his motivations, and who is willing to have patience and restraint as this process evolves and improves little by little. Eventually, the idea is that as the small improvements happen, he becomes less and less resistant, so that eventually he is fully invested and quite willing to work with you to save your marriage.

How do I know this?  Because I had to use this process in my own marriage.  My husband was sure he wanted a divorce, and in the beginning, he wasn’t at all invested in saving our marriage.  I knew that it wasn’t over for me, and I refused to give up or let go. But, unfortunately, I pushed too hard and asked too much in the beginning.  This seriously backfired. Thankfully, I realized my tactics were not working and changed course. Eventually, I was able to not only restore my husband’s love but also to change the dynamics of our marriage. You can read more of this story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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