Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: There is a small subset of wives who had no idea that their husband was planning on leaving, but I believe that they are in the minority.

Most wives, even if they don’t know exactly when their husband might leave, strongly suspect that at some point, he will leave. They may not know when exactly. But they know that, if they don’t act now, they may soon be without their husband and their marriage.

As you might imagine, this can cause a sense of panic. How can she convince him to stay when deep in her heart, she suspects he’s already gone?

She might say, “My husband told me about four weeks ago that he was going to start looking for another place to live. We haven’t been doing well lately. I wish I could say that we’ve been fighting because if we were, maybe I could fix that. Not only are we not fighting, we’re not doing much of anything. We barely talk. There is resentment. There is confusion. There is silence. But I can’t say that there is anger. There’s just nothing.”

“We’re barely even roommates anymore. One might think that in a situation like this one, I’d welcome for my husband to move out. But that just isn’t true. I’d give anything for things to go back like they were a couple of years ago when we were both invested in our marriage and excited about our future. I still love my husband. I still want my marriage. I’m struggling for the words to get him to stay, but every time I try, he shuts me down as though my words as just a waste of time and annoying to him. Still, I feel like I have to at least try something. This is my marriage. I can’t stand the thought of giving it up without a fight.”

I don’t blame you at all. I was determined that I wasn’t going to just give up my marriage either. My husband had other ideas, and he was determined that there was nothing I could do. I kept at it though, and I’m still married today because of that. Don’t allow anyone to tell you to give up on your marriage if that isn’t what you want or are ready to do.

That said, I’d suggest trying a new strategy when trying to talk him out of leaving hasn’t worked so far. Instead of trying to talk him into staying, simply try talking to him. About things less heavy than your marriage.

If You Can Return Some Communication or Intimacy, He May Not Be in a Hurry to Leave:

Thinking that you can suddenly convince him not to leave is probably quite a big ask. It may help to set your sights on something much smaller. This marriage was described as lacking in many areas, so one small place to start would just be to talk.

You can pick easy topics that you know he will react to. Even though things aren’t great between you, I’d bet that you know him better than nearly anyone else. You know which topics he’s going to bite on. Yes, this will require you to make the first move and show a little vulnerability. But what do you have to lose? You’re still living under the same roof. You still have a somewhat captive audience. Try to take the immediacy of your situation off the table as best as you can.

Even if you’re only talking about the weather, your favorite movie, or a mutual family member, at least that’s a start. Your goal is to build upon that small start so that eventually, you’re talking regularly about things that put a smile on both of your faces. Keep things light-hearted.

If you can get to the point where he even somewhat enjoys your company again, then he may not feel a pressing need to move out.

Better yet, if you can restore a general ease or intimacy between you, then you’ll have made great strides in getting him to stay, and you haven’t even had to ask him to do so. I don’t expect you to go from feeling like strangers to lovers in a short amount of time. That isn’t realistic. But it might be realistic to improve communication between you, even if you have to start small.

If He’s Still Set On Leaving, Offer An Alternative:

If you give this an honest and continuous try and he’s still set on moving out, try to offer him an alternative that still keeps him close. The best solution is likely to get him to stay in another bedroom in your home if he will accept that. In that case, you’ll still have access to him and you can still try to improve your communication gradually and over time.

If he won’t accept this, then try to steer him to temporarily stay with a family member or mutual friend. That way, you still have access. If you can, you want to attempt to keep him from signing a long-term lease or making a long-term commitment that means you don’t have access to him.

But even if the face of this, don’t panic. Desperation will make you do all sorts of things, most of them damaging to your cause.

My husband did move out. You can still save your marriage under those circumstances, but there will be more challenges in doing so. I still used the same strategy – restoring communication and intimacy. But I had to work very, very gradually. And sometimes I even had to take a break when my husband just wasn’t receptive at all. Still, with a bit of luck, and a lot of determination, I was able to do it because I settled for many small victories instead of one big one.  (You can read that entire story at https://isavedmymarriage.com)

If he’s not going to listen to your trying to convince him to stay, then talk about something else to which he is receptive. It might not feel like much, but it can lay the foundation on which you can eventually rebuild. If you can go from “nothing” to even a little bit of something, you may be able to right this ship before it sails away.

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I hear from many spouses who believe that their spouse is going through a midlife crisis. Needless to say, this can often hurt your marriage severely. It’s not uncommon for a spouse in a midlife crisis to suddenly become dissatisfied with everything in his life, including his wife and marriage.

Not surprisingly, people want to know how long this midlife crisis is going to last. And people who’ve had their marriage negatively affected by it wonder if there’s any hope at all that it is going to end.

A wife might say, “As soon as my couch-potato husband started working out, I should have known there was going to be trouble. Over the last six months, my husband has arguably been going through a mid-life crisis. He denies it, of course. But all the signs are there. He’s lost weight. He traded in his car. He wants a separation from me. He’s fighting with his mother. He dresses completely different. And he suddenly acts like he is the coolest individual on the planet. Frankly, I’m embarrassed for him. But it does me no good. He insists that he’s just taken stock of his life and that his behavior is nothing is out of the ordinary. He doesn’t even seem like the same person I married. Yet, for some reason, I still want him. I still hold out hope that he is going to snap out of this and that one day we can go back to how we were. Am I crazy for wanting this or for thinking it’s possible? Is there any hope for him?”

I think there is definitely some hope, and I’ll tell you why below.

Although There is Debate on How Long a Midlife Crisis Will Last, Most Experts Agree That They Do End:

Most experts agree that a man is most likely to have a midlife crisis between the ages of around 45-64. However, there is some disagreement as to how long they typically last. It can definitely depend upon the person.

But there’s a reason that we don’t typically see many people in their 70’s still struggling with a midlife crisis. People do move out of that phase of life and into another one. So it may make you feel somewhat better to know that this isn’t likely to be a lasting phase. You still have to be careful, though, because the damage from the crisis can be lasting.

Although Midlife Crisis Do End, The Damage They Cause Can Linger:

Honestly, it’s not so much the crisis itself you have to fear since you know that will end. It is the damage that the crisis can leave in its wake. That’s why you have to be careful of how you respond to this.

If you overreact and make your husband feel like a silly old-timer, he’s likely to feel resentment and defensiveness. And as a result, he may pull even further away from you, which is the last thing that you want.

Try to See This Through His Lens if You Can:

When I was separated, I eventually learned that if I could even try to see things from my husband’s point of view, then that would usually make my responses better and improve our situation.

For example, instead of being overly pessimistic about my husband’s frustration, I’d try to remind myself that he was likely struggling just as much as I was in our new normal, even if he’d never admit it.

Think about this for a second. A person in the middle of a midlife crisis is a person who is struggling with their place in the world. They’re struggling with their identity, even if they’d never admit it.

If you can see your husband as vulnerable right now instead of silly, you’ll be more likely to approach him with the empathy that is necessary to keep this thing from going off the rails.

If you can keep in mind that this is one day going to end, you’ll reign in at least some of your panic and approach the situation more calmly and rationally.

As tempting as it may be to call him an old fool and demand that he come to his senses, this is the very last thing that you should do. You are much better off approaching him with loving patience, even if he doesn’t seem receptive.

I’ve dialogued with more than a few men who’ve come out of this situation, and I can tell you that many of them look back and are quite embarrassed by their behavior. Many of them wish they could take it all back. And if they have patient wives, they are aware of and appreciative of that – even though they may not have been all that receptive at the time.

Ask Yourself How You Want Him To See You When This Is Over:

I know that it’s hard to be patient with someone who is in the middle of a midlife crisis, especially if you feel rejected.

But try to think about how you want him to see you when this ends. Do you want him to think of you as the person who made fun of him or lost patience in his time of need?

Or do you want him to see you as his unwavering source of support, even when he tried to push you away?

You do have some control over that by your own reactions. I know that I am asking you to have almost super-human patience, but there is no need to make a bad situation worse, especially if you are still invested in your marriage.

Try to see the big picture. And always think about where you want to be positioned when this is over. If you make an enemy of him now, there may not be a marriage to salvage when the midlife crisis passes.

I’m not sure if I can blame my husband’s unhappiness on a midlife crisis, but my approach to him was basically the same.  At the end of the day, I wanted him to realize that I tried to be patient and I tried to be there for him.  By no means did I always play this perfectly.  I made many mistakes.  But I ultimately did save my marriage.  You can read the rest of that story at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  I get a lot of correspondence from wives who are living apart from their husbands because of a marital separation or because of issues within their marriage.   The vast majority of these wives want their husbands home immediately.  And usually, the longer he is away, the more they want him home.

I often hear comments like:  “I miss my husband more every day while we are going through a separation.  If this is how a separation feels, then I certainly don’t want a divorce.  I’m not sure if he feels the same way though.  I am desperate to get him to come home.  I miss him so much and I hate living without him.  How should I approach this topic?  How should I ask him to come home?   What words can I use that will make him want to come home?  And when is the best time to bring it up?”

The answers to these questions depend a great deal on the situation and how things are going between the couple at the time.  You have to be very careful about how and when you ask him to come home.  Because if he says no or you show him your cards before you are ready to play them, then you run the risk of making things worse or changing the dynamics of your relationship.  In a perfect world, it is best if he is the one asking to come home.  In the best case scenario, things are going so well between you that it’s obvious to both of you that it’s time for him to come home.  If there is any way for you to make this happen instead of just straight out asking him to come home, that would be preferable.

But sometimes, you don’t know, or aren’t sure, where you stand.  And sometimes, the temptation to just ask and see what happens seems to be more attractive than waiting.  I do understand this, but I have to tell you that when I lost my patience when trying to save my own marriage, it set me back a good deal.   Still, below, I will offer some suggestions about what I think is the right thing to say when asking your husband to come home (as well as the right time to say it.)

Asking Your Husband To Come Back Home If Things Are Not Going Well Between You: This is the scenario that you do not want.  If things are going so badly that you suspect that your husband is going to refuse to come home or now limit your access to him because you’ve started pushing for a reconciliation when he was not receptive to one, then it’s my experience that it’s best to wait until things improve.

Because chances are, you’re going to hint or ask about him coming home and he’s going to not only shut you down, but figure that he’d better steer clear of you in the near future because he doesn’t want to give you the wrong impression again and he doesn’t want to have another awkward conversation any time soon.

What you absolutely do not want to do is say something to the affect of:  “I miss you so much and it’s next to impossible to work on or save our marriage when we no longer live together.  I know that things aren’t perfect between us right now but I feel like if you would just move back in, we could pick up the pieces and work things out.”

The reason that phrases or requests like these rarely work is that immediately after your say them, what your husband really hears is that you want him back because you don’t like being alone, are thinking mostly about your own feelings and fears, and don’t have any real plan toward making things better between you.  So, he’s left wondering what is in it for him and why he should come home when nothing at all has changed.

Asking Your Husband To Come Back Home When Things Are Going Well Between You: This scenario is the one that you want because this gives you the best chance for success.  If things are starting to click again between you, then your husband is more likely to believe that lasting chance is possible.  And he’s also likely to be more agreeable to what you have to say.

It is still my experience and opinion that, if at all possible, you should wait for him to either ask to come home on his own, or at the very least, be the one to bring up the subject.  If you are always the one who is setting the pace, and making the concessions and requests, then you will always wonder how sincere he really is and you might worry that you want this much more than he does.

So, if you can set it up so that he’s the one taking the lead on this, that truly is the preferable way to go.  If you just can’t wait and want to be the one to bring it up, then I would suggest waiting until things are going extremely well between you and you are at a place where you are both laughing and smiling.   You might want to say something like:  “it’s a shame that we had to separate and live apart in order to get a long this well.  If we were clicking then like we are now, maybe we wouldn’t be living apart right now.   It makes me sad that living apart has made me realize just how important you are to me and how much I want you in my life no matter what. Do you think there’s any scenario where we would make it if we tried again?”

Before you ask the last question, I would suggest pausing for a minute to see if he has any response or reaction.   Sometimes, if you pause, he will break in with his own answer that will give you some insight into not only what he’s feeling, but what he might want your next step to be.  The whole idea is to get to the place where you are discussing “trying again” as a positive and possible step in your future.

If you find that he’s agreeable to trying again, you might want to take the next step and ask him what he would need to happen in order for him to be comfortable and agreeable to giving your marriage one more try under the same roof.  Your goal should not be to get him to pack his bags that very night, but for him to give you some idea as to what he would need from you to be comfortable and enthusiastic with that scenario.

Because the whole idea is not just to get him to come back home, but to get him to come back home with a clear understanding of what it’s going to take for him to stay home and to be a happy and willing participant in your marriage.

When my husband left and I was trying to get him to come back home, I did everything that I could to make this happen. But, nothing seemed to work.  Eventually, I lost my patience and just blurted out pleas for him to come back home.  This was the worst thing I could have possibly done.  After his mistake,  it took me months to lay a new foundation that eventually inspired him to bring up the subject of moving back home.  Eventually, he was willing participant in saving our marriage.  But my insistence on pushing him costs us a lot of time.  If it helps, you can read more about which tactics worked and which didn’t on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com.

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By: Leslie Cane: One of the reasons that people separate instead of getting a divorce is that at least one of them is hoping that things might change or improve. However, within those hopes, there can be serious doubts that actual change will take place when you’re talking about adult people who are set in their ways. There can also be a question about whether it’s morally right to expect this type of change.

A wife might say, “I want to save my marriage. I really do. But even I have to admit that for this to happen, so much has to change. My husband is very resentful of me. He says that I make his life miserable with my constant worries and anxieties. He says I hover over him as a mother would. I think this is a bunch of hyperbole. And the truth is that my husband is somewhat irresponsible, so if I just let him do what he wants, we’d be broke. Of course, he wants me to change. He wants a wife that allows him to do what he wants. And part of me wants him to change. I want a husband who is willing to collaborate. But, when I look at this objectively, I realize that what we are really doing is asking one another to change who we are at our cores. I’m never going to be able to pretend that I am not a cautious person. And my husband will never learn to be a cautious person. So are we just supposed to pretend to take on new roles? Is this even realistic? Is it fair?”

You’re somewhat right. What you’re describing isn’t exactly realistic. However, what you’re describing doesn’t actually need to happen to save your marriage. To save it, you’ll need to focus on something else entirely. I’ll explain more below. 

It’s Very Hard to Change the Core of Who You Really Are. Nor Should You Want To:  

When I was separated, I was fully ready to completely change who I was if that suited my husband. I’m not proud of that now. And I’d like to think I’d handle things differently today. But quite frankly, I was so scared of losing my husband and my marriage that I would have been willing to grow wings if that’s what it took. 

Still, I know that if I tried to change who I was, it wouldn’t have worked in the long term. One issue for us was that I’m very introverted, and my husband isn’t. It wasn’t an issue at all when we were dating, but it became an issue after we grew apart.

I know myself well enough to know that I’m never going to become the life of the party. Yet, I was willing to pretend I was if that is what it took. I tried that a few times, and it was disastrous.  

But you know what? I’m still married today and I am still just as introverted, and my husband is still just as extraverted. So what changed? Our intentions and our attitudes changed.  

It’s All About Intentions and a Spirit of Compromise:  

So what happened between our separation and now? Quite a bit. But, I’ll try to keep this short. When I finally realized that I had to play a long game during my separation, I began to understand that neither of us was going to change who we were deep inside. So something else had to change. And one thing that I could change was my willingness to compromise. 

There is always a way where both spouses can have some of what you want some of the time. And if you want to stay married, you can certainly find a way to be happy with that. My husband and I sit down at the beginning of each month and discuss the things we want to do socially that month. That way, there are no more resentments. And we split the weekends right down the middle. For half, we do what he wants. For the other half, we do what I want. And neither of us sulks anymore when it isn’t our weekend. We know that it’s equitable. And we know this is what it takes to make one another happy.

I am happy when my husband is enjoying himself. So I can go outside of my comfort zone every once in a while. In this wife’s case, she could vow to back off of her husband a little more if he were willing to discuss large decisions with her before he took action. Honestly, when you view things in the spirit of compromise, everything changes. 

Do you know what else might change everything? Understanding WHY your differences matter so much now when they didn’t before. Why are your differences enhancing when you are dating and dividing when you’ve been married for a while? Intimacy. You have to get at least some of it back, which leads me to my next point.

Restoring at Least Some of the Intimacy is Going to Make Your Goal Much Easier to Achieve:  

Another thing that took me too long to figure out during my own separation was that when the intimacy is waning, your differences are magnified. The difference when you are dating and married for some time is often intimacy.

I’m not blaming anyone for this. It happens to the best marriages. Life is stressful and all-encompassing. It competes with your marriage, and you will have to be very deliberate to get it back. 

But if you can get even some of the intimacy back, you’ll find that the differences begin to not matter as much. If you can laugh and connect with your husband again, I promise he won’t be picking apart your personality nearly as much.

I know that it sounds like I’m asking a lot when you’re separated. Although I admit that it is a challenge to restore intimacy under these circumstances, it’s not always impossible. But you have to be willing to go slowly and gradually. Some days you may have to just settle for getting a laugh or a smile out of your husband. Other days, it might just be a pleasant conversation.

You have to be willing to build on a small platform. But I know from experience that if you keep building slowly, you can get there.  If it helps, you can read about how I slowly but surely got there and saved my marriage at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: When couples separate or hit a rough patch, it’s very common to want to analyze what, exactly, went wrong. Especially in the early days when emotions and frustrations run high, it’s easy to look for someone to blame.

As understandable as this desire is, it can be very harmful. At a time when you need to come together when you want to save your marriage, this type of blame drives you further apart and can make the spouses feel unfairly attacked or misunderstood. It can also make any hope of reconciliation feel very far away. 

A wife might say, “On the rare occasions that my separated husband will even talk to me these days, he is always eager to lay most of the blame for our issues at my feet. It is always me who is to blame. Supposedly, I am the one who didn’t make time for our marriage. I am the one who is so unyielding and do not listen.

According to him, I am a self-centered person who always puts myself first. Hearing these things hurt so much, but they also make me feel defensive toward him. Deep down, I want to save my marriage, but I am very reluctant to directly admit that to him because of the stance he is taking here. I am not claiming to be blameless. I made plenty of mistakes. But so did he. And I don’t know where it leaves us if he makes me out to be the bad guy all of the time.

To hear him talk, it sounds like he hates me. Part of me wants to debate him about all of this, but another part of me doesn’t want to make this any worse. Does it even matter if I disagree with him about this?

It may matter down the road. But please take this in the way that I intend it – gently and with love – it just doesn’t matter all that much right now, and I will tell you why below.

Frustrated, Separated Spouses Say Many Things They Don’t Actually Mean:  

Please hear me out. Take a deep breath, and think for just a second about how you feel about your separation right now. You’re likely sad, frustrated, scared, insecure, and all types of negative emotions that don’t exactly bring out the best in you. 

 Different people react to these emotions in different ways. Some cling. Others lash out. The behavior you are seeing from your husband right now may be at least in part due to the same negative feelings that he is feeling.

That is why I wouldn’t take anything that he says as gospel. My husband and I said and did all types of awful things to one another right before and during our separation. But do you think those things matter to us now? Not a lick. 

I’ve forgotten most of them, but some of the ones I can remember make me sort of laugh today. I can laugh now because I’m still married to my husband. And I must admit that some of the things he said back then were very creative coming from a man who isn’t typically creative. 

My point is that you are both going to be tempted to say and do things that you may regret later. Try to limit that damage as much as you can.

Progress and Compromise Has a Way of Erasing Every Bit of Blame: 

I hope that you will find that as you can make some progress with your husband and your separation, the spirit of compromise will start to rise.

Hopefully, you will find that he’ll give a tiny little bit. So you will maybe give back a smidge in return. As you spend more time apart and alone, you’ll often find that you’re willing to make many more concessions. The things that seemed so insurmountable before stop mattering so much.

Those huge fights seem somewhat silly in retrospect. When this happens, much of the blame starts to drop away. As you reconnect, the blame game just doesn’t matter that much anymore. So while you may want to debate him about this now, please think hard about that before you engage. 

It is possible that a month from now, it just isn’t going to matter. So why make things worse?

How to Move Forward in the Face of Fault Finding:  

I know that all of the above might sound better to you, but you may have doubts as to how in the world you are going to make this type of progress when you have a separated husband who is blaming you for everything.

Well, I do have a bit of a solution although you might not like it at first listen. Simply consider the long game for now. Yes, you can get in a blame game with him if you want to. But what is that going to do for you? What is that going to do for your marriage?

To move forward, sometimes you have to put on blinders – especially in the beginning when tensions are high. Honestly, it doesn’t much matter who is right or wrong in the end. What matters is whether the two of you can ultimately get this together. 

I don’t even care what my husband said to me at the height of our separation anymore. All I care about is that I still have him and that he’s not saying those things today because the hurt and pain just aren’t there anymore.

If you can see your husband as wounded just like you, this situation starts to look a little different. If you can look at things a month or even six months to a year from now, I promise you that things can be very different. 

Just for a short period of time, see what happens when you don’t engage. Watch what might occur when you take the high road. It might change things substantially. And if it doesn’t, at least you didn’t make things worse. 

I learned to ignore the worst of what my husband said in the heat of the moment during our separation.  I tried to place my attention on positive things instead.  Admittedly, it was slow going at first.  But very gradually, we made so much progress that we reconciled.  You can read that story at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: It feels terrible when you know that your actions have put your marriage in jeopardy. It’s likely you didn’t mean to do anything wrong. But you have. And now your husband is upset or angry and talking about leaving. There’s no way to unring that bell, but there has to be a way to soften the blow.

Someone might say, “I honestly was not acting maliciously. I think my actions were somewhat innocent. My husband has repeatedly said that he wanted the holidays to be just our family. But my sister is going to book a cabin in ski country. I knew my kids would love to ski with their cousins for the holidays, so I told my sister that I would talk to my husband about it. And I was waiting for the right time, which hasn’t come.

But my sister didn’t know that. So when she called and my husband picked up, she told him she hopes he’ll join her for the holidays. My husband was shocked and angry. He said he felt put on the spot. And he was angry with me for ‘making plans behind his back.’ He says our family is never good enough for me, that I always need to be with other people.

He’s right that we are different in that way. I don’t mean any harm, though. I just miss my family. Now he’s saying he might leave because he doesn’t think I prioritize our immediate family enough. I never wanted this to happen. And I’m desperate to make him stay. I’d reverse this if I could, but he’s really angry. And I can’t imagine how awkward it’s going to be during the holidays either way.”

It’s Usually Not About the Primary Argument, But About Something Bigger: 

I’d argue that this isn’t about the holidays. Sure, that’s the topic that your husband has seized upon. That’s where he’s hung his anger. But it’s almost never solely about the thing you’re arguing over. It’s usually an argument about a bigger picture item that has been a long-time coming. 

I’d suspect that it comes down to him not feeling as prioritized by you as he wants to be. When someone says that they’re not enough, they’re telling you that they don’t think you’re making them the priority that they believe you should.

I’m not saying that this is true. I’m just saying that this may be your husband’s viewpoint. You get to decide how accurate it is. And honestly, I don’t know if trying to convince him of your commitment is the sole approach you need to take. You can and should do that, of course. But it helps to see the big picture, too. This leads me to my next point. 

Look at How Intimate Your Relationship Was Before the Conflict:  

I hear from many couples. And before I even hear the issue at play, I almost always can tell you one of their biggest. It’s not any great talent on my part. It’s just that when you get to the point where your marriage feels like it’s in trouble, then you can almost always bet that you’ve lost a significant amount of intimacy.

Why? Because if your husband still felt very close to you, he wouldn’t be complaining about this small issue. He’d be willing to compromise because he’d know that you have his back and would never purposely do anything to disappoint or hurt him. 

I’m not telling you that you don’t have to address the holiday issue. You should.

I’m just suggesting that the holiday issue blew up so much because it’s likely that, for whatever reason, intimacy has waned and therefore your husband is quick to anger.  

If the two of you were deeply connected, he would’ve trusted that you were going to come to him about the holidays. And he’d have been more willing to talk about compromise rather than “being enough.”

The real issue is much more likely the “being enough” than the holidays. The holidays are just an easy target.

And I make no judgements about this. The loss of intimacy was a big issue that lead to my own separation.

Be Methodical in Your Strategy, but Loving in Your Approach: 

I know that you may feel frightened and scared, but don’t let that stop you from taking any action. Your husband is still there. Right now, he hasn’t gone anywhere, so it’s best to strike while you still have a captive audience. I made the mistake of waiting, and it almost cost me my marriage.

You can certainly say something like, “honey, I promise I was going to talk to you about the holidays. I didn’t make any commitment whatsoever. And there’s nothing that can’t be undone. Of course you are enough. Can we please talk about this rather than becoming angry?”

Once you’ve addressed the holiday issue, begin to put more time and attention into your relationship.

You don’t even need to tell him what you’re doing if you think you will meet resistance.

Ask yourself which areas of your relationship need the most attention, and then methodically add more attention to the problem areas – one by one.

You aren’t going to solve every problem immediately. But you can give intimacy your immediate attention. And you can know that sometimes, taking a walk together rather than analyzing your problems to death is the better strategy.

Every day, you want to ask yourself what you can do that day to feel closer to your husband. That might entail doing something nice for him. That might mean spending uninterrupted time together. That might mean listening instead of talking. 

If you can take these small steps every day, I suspect that pretty soon, your husband is going to feel like he is a priority and he’s going to see that his argument no longer has any teeth.

At that point, it may not even matter because his anger isn’t just about the holidays anyway. As the two of you become intimate again, he’s likely to let down his anger. When you’re intimate and connected, you want to keep the good feelings going between you because it feels good.

So you’re much more likely to brush off small miscommunications and slights. You’re willing to give your partner the benefit of the doubt because of all the love they’ve given you. 

I don’t mean to oversimplify it.  But I can’t stress enough how important it is to address the intimacy.  If you can successfully do that, your problems become much smaller.  You can read about how I eventually did this at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: It’s pretty painful when you can feel that your husband is no longer happy with you. But it can feel even worse when your husband very plainly tells you so himself. His putting it so plainly makes it feel permanent and unyielding. You can begin to wonder if you even stand a chance. 

Someone might say, “I’ve been feeling my husband’s coldness for quite a while now. Sometimes he looks at me and the disappointment just radiates off his face. I tried to tell myself that maybe I was making things worse than they actually were. I tried to convince myself that I could work on our marriage in the days and weeks to come. But now it seems that I may not get that chance.

Last night, my husband and I started to bicker. I tried to diffuse the situation by saying that I didn’t want him to be mad at me. He responded that he wasn’t mad, he just wasn’t happy. I asked him what he meant. He said that it’s not so difficult to understand. He said that we both know we’re not happy, but we tiptoe around it. Then he proceeded to say that he doesn’t think that we’re truly compatible and that he doesn’t think our marriage will make it.

He’s very extraverted and social, and I am not. I think he feels that I hold him back. I could try to do better if he’d give me the chance, but it feels like he won’t. I don’t know what to do. Of course, I want to make my husband happy. But now I doubt that I have that ability anymore.”

I know how tricky and bad this situation feels. My husband told me that he wasn’t happy months before we actually separated. I convinced myself that he was miserable in his job or was blowing off steam. He wasn’t. He was trying to get my attention. But my inability to respond correctly lead to us separating and almost divorcing.

I am by no means telling you this to imply that you should panic. You shouldn’t. In fact, panicking will likely make things worse. But I am suggesting that you take this seriously.

Why the Incompatibility Excuse is Often Inaccurate:  

I can’t tell you how common it is for unhappy spouses to go with the “incompatible” excuse. My husband gave it to me. And I’ve heard from many people through the years who also heard it.

But here’s the thing. Your different temperaments, interests, and personalities weren’t that big of a problem that they kept you from falling in love and getting married.

In fact, for many of us, they create quite a spark. In the beginning, they are often a plus.

Why? Because you were into one another. You didn’t want to let anything come between you. So he thought your introversion was cute, and you thought his extroversion brought you out of your shell. And you saw it as complementary. And to be honest, it very likely WAS complimentary. 

And believe it or not, it can be again. 

What is Likely at Least One Major Issue: 

When things start to fall apart, of course we seize on the easily identifiable difference. But that doesn’t mean that we’re picking out the real problem.

And I know that I don’t know you or your husband, but I’ll bet I can tell you at least one major issue. 

Because I don’t need to know you to know that when one spouse is claiming to be unhappy due to incompatibility, you can almost always bet that a lack of intimacy is at least partly to blame. 

How do I know this?

Because if, as a couple you were firing on all cylinders, you wouldn’t hear the talk of unhappiness or of incompatibility.

Don’t misunderstand me. I know that restoring intimacy is multi-faceted and challenging. 

I’m not flippantly telling you that if you fix the intimacy, you will fix your marriage.

But I’m telling you with confidence that it’s a very good start. And if your husband begins to feel close to you again, he’s going to start feeling a lot happier and more fulfilled. And so are you. And suddenly those differences aren’t deal-breakers anymore.

The Catch 22 or Restoring the Intimacy When it Feels Like He’s Pushing You Away:  

I know that your situation may seem insurmountable right now. You have a spouse who has spelled out that he’s unhappy and not sure you’ll make it.

But he’s speaking at the height of frustration. And you don’t have to fix every problem in a day. Like I did, you may have to settle for a gradual pace where you move forward as you are able.

Right now, you may have to start small. You may have to just strive to put a smile on your husband’s face once a day. You might vow to turn the other cheek when you feel like arguing. Perhaps you seek compromise when you’d otherwise debate.

Your goal right now is to try to find small ways to remind your husband of why you are together in the first place. This may require you to take a step back, gain some perspective, and try to calm the situation down.  

You’re not trying to solve every marital problem in a few days. You’re trying to connect with your husband in whatever way you can. Maybe this is just watching a movie together a few times a week. Or taking a walk. Or telling a joke.

Don’t take on too much. Just try to lighten the mood and ease the tension.

Once you make some progress with that, then strive each day to do one thing that helps you feel a little closer. 

You’re not necessarily trying to fix every problem, you’re just trying to restore some of the ease between you. 

Eventually, the idea is that your husband looks around and realizes that he’s not so unhappy after all. When you’ve made this kind of progress, then you can begin to work on any bigger problems.

But it is so much easier to restore some of the intimacy first. If you can do that, then the smallest of your problems will fall away. And the bigger of your problems become much more manageable. 

If I hadn’t restored the intimacy first, I’m fairly certain we would have never reconciled.  There were times when it looked bleak.  But we are still married today, in part because I eventually understood that the intimacy was gone and had to return before we could make any progress. You can read the rest of the story at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I remember the day that the crushing realization hit me that my husband didn’t love me in the way that he should anymore.

It wasn’t after a horrible fight. Nothing dramatic happened. It was just the nothingness of it. The indifference. There was an undeniable shift in the air. And I could no longer pretend it wasn’t there. 

I felt as if I’d lost the most precious thing I had. I felt like I’d gotten the worst possible news.

So I understand wives from whom I hear the same lament.

They might say something like this: “I have been thinking in the back of my mind that my husband doesn’t love me anymore because he is very cold to me and he’s quite dismissive. However, when I mentioned this to him, he denied it and made me feel like I was paranoid. So I tried very hard to put it out of my head.

Well, last night we got in a run-in-the-mill argument. It wasn’t even that bad. We were both just tired and frustrated. But he blurted out that I was right. I asked him what I was right about, and he just came out with ‘I don’t love you anymore.’ Once this was out, we both just held our breath. He went storming into the guest bedroom and today he said that he’ll probably look for a new place for a while.

I knew he felt differently, but I can’t believe things are happening this fast. And I can’t believe he dropped it on me like this. I’m so hurt. And I’m so frozen. His stance makes me think I can’t do or say anything to change his mind. I know that we’ve been going through a rough patch, but I am very clear that I still love him. So I’m beyond hurt that he would just tell me he doesn’t love me as though he were announcing a new preference. What in the world can I do about this?”

I understand how this feels. And I can respond from my own perspective. But keep in mind that everyone’s husband – and everyone’s marriage – is different.

Sometimes “I Don’t Love You’s” Are Said for Reasons Other Than Love:  

I need to get this one out of the way. There are times when a husband is going through a dark phase in his life. He’s just not happy for various reasons, and he can’t quite figure out why. So he’ll start to think about cutting the things that might be the cause. Some men change jobs when they go through this.

Or they pursue new interests or friendships.

Others, unfortunately, begin to think that it is their marriage or their spouse that is making them unhappy. So they’ll want to experiment with space or time apart.

And occasionally, the spouse will eventually realize that it wasn’t the marriage that was the problem. But of course, by then the words can’t be taken back. 

I want to bring this up because there is always a chance that he doesn’t exactly mean what he’s said, even if he doesn’t know that yet.

Never Underestimate the Power of Change and of Time:

For the sake of argument, let’s pretend that your husband is absolutely sincere about not loving you anymore. He’s not pretending or being hyperbolic and he believes what he says.

I am sure my husband believed what he said, too.  

But what is true today doesn’t have to be true tomorrow. My husband loves me very much today. Did we do much hard work and have a bit of luck between that day and this? Absolutely. I’d never deny that.

But, very gradually, as I began to methodically remove the issues which I knew were causing problems, he became more receptive to me. And as he became more receptive to me, I started to be very conscious of showing him the qualities he loved about me in the first place. 

Very slowly, the love returned because my husband came to believe that he could finally trust in it. 

I promise you that it didn’t happen overnight. Some days, I was sure that it wouldn’t happen at all. And I can almost guarantee that it wouldn’t have happened if I had remained sad and done nothing. It only happened because I was very patient and I was very proactive. I also got lucky every once in a while.

Don’t Let Your Pain Cloud Your Judgement Right Now: 

I know how much this hurts, but I would caution you to not panic or get desperate. I can tell you from experience that these things lead to very unattractive behaviors.  

And these unattractive behaviors may push your husband away or even more and make things worse. I created a very deep hole for myself by acting desperate and a little unhinged.

I know that I’m asking a lot, but you will help yourself if you remain calm and try to act reasonably and methodically. People don’t end up divorced over a few days.

The issues may have been festering for a while, so they aren’t going to be erased in one swoop, either.  

What you can do, though, is to take advantage of the opportunities you have to remind your husband of why he loved you. Be the competent, positive person you always were. Conduct yourself in a way that is above reproach. Don’t give him any reason to dig in.

But give him plenty of reasons to change his mind. 

 I know that this is a huge challenge when he has dug this line in the sand. But time has a way of changing things. Improvement has a way of changing things.  

You don’t have to accept that this is the last word if you are still invested in your marriage. It may be a bit of a long game, but I know that it can be won. Take an honest inventory of where you are now and where you need to go. Then, little by little, begin heading toward your goal as you can.

Some days you’ll make progress, and others you may not. But always keep moving toward that goal. I had to commit to playing the long game during my own separation.  I sometimes had to force myself to keep going.  But thank goodness I did, because I got my marriage back.  You can read the whole story at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who feel as if they’re having to fight against their every inclination during their marital separation. They’re reluctantly separated because that’s what their husband wants. 

And therefore, they feel pressure to begin to “let go.” But, deep in their hearts, letting go is absolutely the last thing they want to do. And they wonder if they absolutely have to do this. 

Someone might say, “My husband demanded to separate for weeks before I would actually talk to him about it. Once it was clear that it was going to happen whether I wanted it to or not, I finally conceded to discussing it. But my husband didn’t really want to talk. He wanted to take action. He wanted out – at least temporarily.”

“He won’t tell what he thinks the chances are of us getting back together. But his actions don’t give me a lot of hope. He never wants to spend time with me. He doesn’t always pick up when I call or text him. It seems that he’s going out and having a high time when I am mostly miserable.”

“Some of my friends say that I need to let him go in order to hold onto my own sanity. But I just don’t see how I can possibly do that. Are they right? Do I need to let go of my separated husband? If so, how?”

I know that no one can know how someone else feels. We can’t physically experience another person’s feelings.

But I do have a good idea of how this wife feels feel because I had friends telling me to let my husband go during my own separation.

For that very reason, I’m not objective about this. I have to be honest about that. What I say here is going to be clouded by how I felt and what I did. So please keep that in mind because everyone, and every marriage, is different. What worked for me may not work for you.

But below, I am going to give you my take. I know that plenty of people won’t agree, and that’s fine. But this is what I found to be true.

No One Can Tell You What to Feel in Your Own Heart:  

People often ask me when they have to stop loving their separated spouse. My answer is when they decide that it no longer works for them.

For myself, I figured if I wasn’t divorced then no one could expect me to just turn off my feelings. No matter how bad things got, I always held out hope, at least in my own heart.

And I’m going to be honest, even if it had come to that (divorce,) I probably would have still loved my husband – in my own way – until the day I took my last breath. Yes, I know I would have had to move on. And I’m sure I would have. But my feelings are my own.  

My parents are divorced. They both remarried other people. And yet, when one them became ill, the other poured out so much love and grief that it shocked me. Again, you can’t just end your feelings because they’re painful or inconvenient. 

There is a Difference Between “Letting Go” and Stepping Back:”

Even though I’ve said that I wasn’t ready to stop loving my husband or to begin to let him go, I do have to admit that I had to step back.

And this was because of our circumstances. In the beginning, my husband wasn’t receptive to me. The more I pushed myself on him, the more he pulled away. The more he pulled away, the more desperate I became.

It became an awful cycle where I was only making things worse with each passing day.

So I eventually had to admit that if I were to have any chance of gaining ground and eventually getting him back, I was going to have to stop trying to do too much and back away some. I was going to have to let him come to me at least some of the time.

I can’t tell you how daunting this seemed to me at the time. And I had to play all sorts of mind games with myself to see it through. I also had a strong group of friends who I told to make sure I stuck to this. 

Pivoting from Clinging to Patience:  

Another mistake that can fall under the umbrella of letting go is clinging. When we think we might be forced to “let go,” then we have a tendency to cling. 

And when you cling, this action may not be attractive to a spouse who wants space. That same spouse may push you away as a result.

I found that it was in my best interest to force myself to stop clinging and accept that I would need patience. Yes, this was very challenging. It meant that I didn’t let myself call every time I wanted to. 

 It meant that I didn’t come by if I wasn’t invited. I had to consciously keep myself busy so that I wouldn’t succumb to my impulse to cling.

But it did pay off. Eventually, my husband got curious. And that was the start of a change.

Did I let go during this time? Not even a little bit. My stepping back was based more on strategy than actual feelings. In fact, my feelings actually intensified during this time. But I was the only one who knew it (except for my best friend).

My husband may have suspected it, but as long as I respected boundaries, he didn’t call me on it.

So my answer to the question of “should you let go of your separated spouse,” really depends on how you feel. Only you know your situation. Only you know what you are feeling.

You may choose a different strategy if you are afraid that you are hanging on too tightly. But that doesn’t mean that you’re letting go if you don’t want to.  

It may just mean that you’ve decided patience and a gradual pace might serve you a little better.

It may feel like giving in, but in my case, it was just re-grouping. It was taking a different path – and that was a path that actually worked much better in the end. You can read that whole story about how I finally got him back at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: There’s no question that you can feel as if you are walking on eggshells during your separation.

You don’t want to do or say anything that may be interpreted incorrectly.

You don’t want to do anything that is going to make this worse.

So you may feel very self-conscious. And that may be when you think that you see your husband’s side-eye.

Someone might say, “I swear I think that even if I did everything right, my husband would still find fault. These last eight months, I can do nothing right in his eyes. And we have been separated for three of those months. I swear that I have been on my best behavior. I try very hard not to do anything that would set him off. In fact, I’m very nice and cordial.”

“I’m trying so hard. Even when we are with the kids and just enjoying a family day together, he always has this look on his face that makes me think he believes I’m doing something wrong. Once, I even asked him what the look was about, and he scowled at me and said he had no idea what I was talking about. But I could nearly feel the hostility coming off of him.”

“And it’s confusing because we weren’t fighting horribly when we separated. We’ve just grown apart some. And I’m generally acting pleasant when I’m around him, so I’m not sure what the stink-eye is about. Why does he make me feel as if I’m always doing something wrong?”

There could be many reasons, and I will go over them below.  

But before I do, I just want to say, take a deep breath.  

I know the tension and anxiety that you are feeling right now, and I know that it isn’t any fun.  

I also know that you will make better decisions when you are calm. So please try to come at this from another angle if you can, which leads me to my next point.

Check-In With Yourself Right Now. I’ll Wait:  

By no means am I putting any blame at all on you. I am not in any way saying that you are at fault in any capacity.

But, what I am trying to very gingerly say is that sometimes, our fear clouds the way that we look at things.  

Sometimes, we are so worried about doing or saying the wrong thing, that we assume that we’re being scrutinized for the very same reason. 

This can cause us to see a bit more than there actually is.

Just for a second, ask yourself if it’s possible that your spouse is merely as frustrated as you are.  

Neither of you may be doing anything wrong. You may be both doing the best you can, but you can’t see it from that angle because you’re too afraid of what you may lose. 

Question Your Thoughts and See What Changes: 

For a day or two, try questioning your assumptions.  

For example, if you think he’s side-eyeing you because he’s angry at something you did, you could try to check yourself with something like:

“I can’t know what he’s thinking unless he tells me. Maybe, like me, he is having a hard time with this.”

Getting the Information you Really Want: 

 I have been where you are. There were times in my separation when I was sure that I would be divorced in a few more months.

That’s why I suspect that I know what you’re really wondering when you worry that your husband thinks you are doing something wrong.

You are wondering, in some shape or form: are my actions helping my cause? Is what I’m doing going to attract or detract from my ability to get him back?

Erasing what Doesn’t Matter to Get the Confidence You Need: 

The type of thinking I described above can make you very self-conscious.

And you need confidence when you’re trying to attract your spouse back to you.

So, try to get down to the brass tacks when these thoughts are going through your mind.

If you are acting in a pleasant way and have done nothing to negatively engage with your husband, then there are really two possibilities:

1. you are seeing what may not be there because of your fear. 

1. Or, he’s angry about something else.

Now, he may be angry about outside forces that have nothing to do with you.

Or, he may still be angry about an issue (or issues) between you.

And the only way to erase the latter is to ask yourself if there is anything that you can do to begin to ease the issue between you.

Removing What You Alone Can Control:

I know that some issues are large and take a great deal of time and effort to sort out.

And I know this is hard when your spouse isn’t receptive to you.

That is why you sometimes need to settle for a gradual pace and work as you are able.

 But do not give up if you know in your heart that you want this to be workable.

Keep smiling. Keep maintaining a pleasant attitude. And wait for him to thaw a bit. 

When he does, do the things that you can control to address the issues that you suspect may be making him non-receptive to you:

• Maybe you now realize you took some of the things he did for granted.

• Perhaps you realize that you can compromise a little more.

• Maybe you now know that you could communicate what you want so he no longer has to guess.

• Maybe there’s a place where he’s waiting for an apology that you haven’t given.

In every single example above, you have control over whether you address them.  

You also control how you address them.

You don’t need to wait for him. You have complete control over yourself. 

Don’t Create Problems That Don’t Exist: 

I promise that I’m not implying that you are making up his attitude.

I know that separated husbands can be salty. I’ve dealt with one.

But I also know that sometimes, we are our own worst enemy. 

If you’re sitting there stewing in worry because you’re self-conscious of doing something wrong, you’re much more likely to make this a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Be honest with yourself. Fix what you can. But if you know you’re not doing anything to deserve the side-eye, carry on.

Things do change. As you are able to make progress on some of the things that YOU control, you may notice his attitude shift.

Until then, keep on keeping on with positivity. What other option is there when you truly want to save your marriage?

For me, there was no other option.  There was no reality where I could just let my husband go without a fight.  Yes, I made some brutal mistakes.  But I never gave up. And that was the difference. You can read that story at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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