Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from people who never really pictured themselves separated. Sometimes, a life change has forced a separation from their spouse. However, despite this, they had always assumed that once the challenged passed, the separation would be over and their spouse would eventually come home as he was able to. When this doesn’t turn out to be the case, and they hear their spouse telling them that perhaps he isn’t going to come home, it can be a real challenge to process this and to determine your next steps.

An example of this type of scenario is something like: “my husband and I had been struggling both financially and with our marriage. He was unemployed and my job was the only thing that was keeping us going. He’d been offered local jobs that were way beneath him, and I knew it would crush his spirit to have to take them. So when he got a job offer outside of our state, I encouraged him to take it, even though I knew that I couldn’t move with him immediately. I figured that it would only be a temporary thing until we got back on our feet financially. Then, I figured I’d move out there or he would move back there. Plus we both agreed that maybe it would give us some perspective on our marriage and we hoped that we’d miss one another and then want to work through our problems. Well, it turns out my husband loves his job and the new state where he lives. He has come home only once. And when he was home, he told me that he didn’t think that he was going to ever come back. I asked him what this meant for our marriage and he said that it probably means that we are going to end our marriage. And when he came home, some of the old issues came back up, but this didn’t alarm me in the way that it alarmed him. I just don’t know how to process this. I encouraged him to go because I wanted to be a supportive wife and because I didn’t want him to have to take a dead end job just to support me. At this point, I’m not sure what I want to do. I love my husband. But I don’t want to lose him. At the same time, I don’t even know if he wants me anymore. What should I do?”

This is a difficult situation and a tough decision. And it was not a decision that anyone else could make but her. However, with all of this said, I could offer some insights and some encouragement and I will share those now.

Don’t Spend A Lot Of Time Worrying About “What If:” It’s very hard to second guess what might have happened with the marriage if the husband had never made the perceived temporary move. But, right now, reality had to be dealt with so playing the “what if” game really did no good.

It was obvious that the wife was extremely concerned about the husband’s claims that the chances were good that he wouldn’t come back. It would be easy to panic here, but I’d encourage the wife not to. Things can and do change. I felt that what was most important was for them to maintain frequent and meaningful contact. This might mean that the wife might have to do some traveling in order to make this possible.

It’s also important that you open up the communication. There’s a real risk in one or both of you just shutting down. When this happens, more and more time could pass between conversations until you find that when you do talk, it’s awkward and painful. This is a dangerous path to be on when you are separated, but want to save your marriage. So, I think that it is vital to talk about this as candidly as you possibly can.

To that end, I would suggest a response like: “well, I’ve taken some time to process what you’ve told me. We’re in a difficult situation. Our marriage needs attention, but the job prospects for you aren’t promising here. These are tough things to deal with, but I don’t think that either thing needs to mean that our marriage is over. I understand that you aren’t ready to come home right now. I have supported you from the beginning and I will continue to do that. This all might mean that we incur more expenses to visit one another while we wait and see what happens, but I am more than willing to do that. Our marriage is more important to me than the miles. We can’t predict what is going to happen with our job situations. And that’s why I think that we shouldn’t make any drastic or lasting decisions right now. We’re under a great deal of stress and that is when people tend to make bad decisions. So why don’t we hold off on making any firm decisions about the important things? For right now, let’s commit to working on our marriage. That is the one thing that we can control. And if we improve our relationship, then negotiating the distance and the jobs is going to be much easier. Improving our relationship can only benefit us in the days to come. Can we agree on that?”

I really felt for this wife because this couple is in a tough spot. Neither of them could help the fact that the husband needed to find work somewhere else. They didn’t have complete control over that, but they could control trying to make improvements to their relationship, so I felt that this was the most important place to start to point their priorities.

I also believe that sometimes, the distance can work for you.   Sometimes, the couples begin to miss one another so much that the huge problems suddenly don’t seem so insurmountable any more.  But if you panic and add to the stress, you make this process less likely to happen.  That’s why I’d suggest just taking things day by day and trying to remain positive.  This is what I had to do with my own separation.  It was difficult but it worked out in the end.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  I sometimes hear from people who are incredibly disappointed in their spouse’s lack of effort and integrity when it comes to maintaining or saving their marriage.  Often, both spouses have made promises and commitments about what they are willing to do in order to make things work, but only one of them actually makes good on these promises.  This can leave the spouse who is trying very hard wondering if it’s even possible to make any improvements on their own.  And, even if it is, there can be a lot of resentment at having to walk this path all alone.

Common comments are things like: “my husband and I have considered separating or divorcing for a total of about four times.  It seems like there is no intimacy, attraction, or love left between us.  I don’t think that my husband appreciates me enough.  He doesn’t even notice all of the things that I do or how many things I juggle on a continual basis.  He never tells me that he loves me.  He no longer does nice things for me. Several times in the past, I’ve told my husband that I no longer want to live this way.  And every time, he begs me not to leave and says that he is going to be more attentive.  He will promise me that he will plan weekly date nights.  He promises that he will be more affectionate.  Once, when I actually left our home for a couple of days, he promised that he would find a counselor and schedule an appointment.  So, I came home full of hope.  Well, weeks went by with no counselor appointment.  Eventually, it just became obvious that my husband has no real intention of doing any of the things that he has promised me. Honestly, I was pretty miserable when I left home for those couple of days.  I truly don’t want a divorce.  But at the same time, I don’t want to settle for a husband who promises me very basic things but then never follows up.  He has never cheated on me. He has never told me a huge lie. But he is also incredibly good looking. I see women staring at him all of the time. Some openly flirt with him. Most of the time, he tries to deflect this. He doesn’t do anything wrong, really. But more and more, I find that I panic at the thought he might like the attention. Or that, if the conditions are right, he might cheat on me. Or actually want a divorce. Or not love me as much as I love him. How can I stop this mistrust before destroys us?”  How can I get him to make good on his promises in terms of saving our marriage?”  I’ll try to address these concerns below.

Look At Pre-Existing Issues Of Trust That Occurred Before Your Marriage: I’m not a mental health specialist, but I too, had a lot of trust issues in my marriage. And it damaged my marriage horribly. In fact, it was probably one of the contributing factors to my separation. I did spend some time exploring this issue. And I determined that much of my trust issues came from my parents’ divorce and its aftermath. Once my parents abruptly separated, my father left our home and never returned. It was a huge loss for me because I was extremely close to my dad. It wasn’t a conscious thought, but I think somewhere along the way I internalized the idea that people who you love the most might leave or deceive you.

A couple of years after my parents’ divorce, I met my first love. We were together for many years. I had never loved anyone as much as I loved my dad – until I met him. I poured my entire heart into the relationship. But when I was in a college that was about four hours away, he cheated on me.  Somewhere in my mind, I started to think that if you give your whole heart to someone, they’ll eventually betray you or leave.

My husband had to pay the price for my father and my first love. He did nothing wrong, but I didn’t trust him because these two men hurt me. I also think there’s a universal fear of feeling vulnerable. Vulnerability doesn’t feel safe. Almost no one goes through life without having their heart broken. And that is so painful, that you never want to repeat it. And so you are always on your guard, which erodes the trust.

Accept That Change May Be Gradual, But Steady:  I felt that the wife was absolutely right to take this concern so seriously.  The fact was that if nothing changed, she was going to continue to be unsatisfied and resentful.  And she deserved more than this. With that said, sometimes in order to have lasting success, you have to accept that this is going to be a gradual process.  She’d expressed several issues.  She’d asked for real, intense, and meaningful change from a man who has already shown himself to be resistant to the same.  So in order to make this manageable, it made sense to break this down into several different steps.  I felt strongly that she would have a greater chance of meaningful success if she accepted gradual change that didn’t require of the needed concessions all at one time.

Schedule A Time So That You Are Both Accountable:  I know from experience that the biggest mistake that couples make in this situation is that they leave things open-ended.  They may very specifically tell their spouse what they want, but then they just leave the rest up to their spouse and are disappointed when things don’t happen to their liking.   Accept that you may have to hold his hand throughout this process.

I find that it is very helpful to schedule a regular “check-in” once per week.  This doesn’t need to be an awkward or anger filled meeting. You can make it fun by going out to dinner to scheduling a fun event to coincide with your conversations about your marriage.  The idea is that the two of you sit down and define your weekly goals in terms of your marriage.   You’ll tell him what you’d like to see from him throughout the week.  Be specific, but don’t pile it on so thickly that he will feel as if nothing that he does is going to please you.

Then, follow up just as you have promised.  Meet the next week and discuss what both of you did right and what could have gone better.  Make absolutely certain that you acknowledge what your spouse did right.  Let him know how much you appreciate his efforts.  This is so vitally important.  Because as soon as he figures out that he’s going to get a legitimate pay off from doing what you’ve asked, then he’s going to want to repeat the process.   Brag on his accomplishments.  Be liberal with your affection and your praise and watch how quickly he will offer you more of the same.

On the other hand, if there are some places where he’s falling short, point that out too.  However, always try to give him some positive reinforcement before you unleash the negative.  For example, you might say: “I appreciate how you rubbed my back a couple of times this week.  I know that you made an effort with that and I definitely noticed.  It’s so nice to get that after a long day.   And I plan to reciprocate regularly.  I did notice though that you didn’t make the effort for showing me some appreciation when I went out of my way to do some things that seemed to go unnoticed.  So this week, I’d like to just place our focus on that.  I’d like for both of us to spend each evening saying what we appreciate about the other.  Are you game?  I think it will really help us.”

After you say this, don’t dwell on it.  Try to make the evening pleasant so that he won’t come to dread these meetings.  This way, he knows that he is going to be accountable to what you have asked him to do, but at the same time, he doesn’t have to think that this is a painful process that he needs to avoid.  Repeat the process every week.  Try to focus on something very specific each week.  For one week, you might want to make the assignment procuring counseling or whatever else needs attention.

Over time, you should see him gradually begin to make good on his promises.  Better than that, he will actually be willing to do so because he knows that you are going to focus on what he’s doing right rather than criticize him about what’s going wrong.

My husband and I didn’t regularly meet with one another during our separation and this made making any progress extremely difficult.  That’s why I highly recommend that you meet regularly to check in.  I was eventually able to save my marriage, but the process would have been much easier if I had tried some of the things that I am suggesting to you now. If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from folks who have agreed to separate with their spouse but who are unsure if they will know when and if it is time to reconcile. Often, they feel somewhat certain that a separation is the best course of action, but what they aren’t so sure about is whether or not they are approaching a place where they are going to turn away from a reconciliation and walk toward a divorce.

Common concerns are things like: “my husband and I have been separated for about three weeks. I was the one who initiated the separation. There have been times in the past where I’ve felt like I’m falling out of love with my husband. He is a good man and I love him as a person, but I am unsure if I am passionately in love with him in the way that I should be. No one is really angry at anyone else. It’s just that I’ve reached the point where I feel like I need some time apart to see if I miss him and if I think it’s worth it to try to reconcile. My question is how will I know when that time has come? How will I know that I want to reconnect with him?”

This is a very common concern. People sometimes hope that common sense would tell them or give them some indication of their true feelings or the best course of action. But when is it your marriage that you are talking about, do you really want to leave this to chance? I believe that they are some emotions or realizations that many folks experience when a reconciliation is starting to look like a distinct possibility and a better idea. I will discuss those things below.

You Genuinely Enjoy Spending Time With Your Spouse Again. And You’re Not Acting Out Of Guilt: It’s very common for people to find that they miss their spouse much more than they anticipated. Many are surprised to find that they have actually started to very much look forward to the times that they are going to be able to see or communicate with their spouse. When you live with someone on a constant basis, it is very easy to begin to take them for granted.

Sometimes the separation forces a pause in this process. So you sort of see your spouse with fresh eyes. And you find that your time together is fun, exciting, and somewhat fresh. When this happens, ask yourself if you are operating out of pity or guilt. If the answer is no, then consider why you are enjoying this time. Because if you have this kind of easy going chemistry and bond with your spouse so that you can connect like this while separated, then to me, that says something. Because this is not always the case. Some people find that things are very awkward and strained during the separation. If you and your spouse are connecting and having a pleasant time together, in my view, that’s very telling.

You Begin To Have Doubts That This Separation Is The Right Thing: I’ve had countless people in this situation tell me that they started to think about the future and they felt sorrow when they got mental glimpses of their life with out their spouse. I didn’t really want my separation. But during it, I often found myself day dreaming about the future. And I would always look at that same future with dread. I would start to think about the worst case scenario or a time when my husband would be with someone else. I would think about no longer having my husband after a hard day. I would think about getting sick or having a life crisis without this life partner to share that with. And it was pretty easy to take inventory and see that my doubts took up more of my time than my hopes took up. In short, if you are having doubts, listen to them. At least evaluate this very honestly to see if you can determine their case.

You Can See Where You Were Wrong Before: I often find that when people have more time to ponder their issues in silence, they begin to see things quite differently. When you are no longer engaging in the problems that separated you on a daily basis, suddenly you can look at them with a new perspective. There are times when you can start to see that the problems that you thought were such deal breakers aren’t as big of a deal as you first thought. You might also see some places where you were wrong and unyielding. You might realize that perhaps you could have given a little more effort or agreed to more compromise. If you find yourself having these thoughts, listen to them. Even if they don’t mean a reconciliation, they might at least mean a more healthy break if that is the route you choose to go. But in my opinion, these doubts often mean that somewhere deep inside you, you know that you haven’t yet given this everything that you have.

It’s my opinion and experience that you owe it yourself to make absolutely sure that you aren’t having any doubts or longings that may indicate that it’s time to at least consider a reconciliation. With that said, you don’t want to push or move too quickly. You don’t want to have a failed reconciliation on your hands. Instead, I’d advise to allow your feelings to be your guide. If something is telling you that you might want to reconcile, begin laying the ground work. Don’t immediately move back home before you first make sure that you have addressed the issues that pulled you apart in the first place. If this process goes well and you find that you are able to begin to address the issues with a new sense of cooperation and without too much conflict, then these are all good indications that it might be time to consider a reconciliation.

I always knew that I wanted to reconcile with my husband, but he never had the certainty that I had.   He was in no hurry to come to a decision about a reconciliation.  Looking back now, I’m glad that we didn’t rush it because it gave us time to genuinely rebuild.   If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from folks who don’t feel as if they can put off a martial separation any longer. Often, they have been thinking about this for quite some time, but they have pushed their needs and wants down in the hopes that they aren’t going to inconvenience anyone, hurt their spouse, or take drastic and unnecessary steps. So it’s only natural that when they decide to go ahead and pursue the separation, they can feel a great deal of fear about the same.

Common comments are something like: “for the past year or so, I’ve felt very restless in my marriage. I have been working in a job that I hate and I feel as if my life is pretty stifling. For the past couple of months, I’ve decided to begin writing again because it has always been my dream to make money off of my writing. I am willing to get by on less money for a while, but I don’t think that it is fair to ask the same of my husband. So, I feel as if I need to move out, find a much smaller place, and just live very simply with my writing and only the bare necessities. My husband likes nice things and he likes having a lot of space so I know that my new sparse lifestyle isn’t going to appeal to him. He knows that I am considering a separation and that I’m thinking about moving out. He doesn’t want for me to go, but he supports my dreams. Lately though, I’ve been having second thoughts about this. What if I fail miserably as a writer? What if I ruin my relationship with the man that I love? And what if I’m risking it all for a dream that might never come true?”

These were very difficult questions. Everyone has the right to pursue their dreams. Everyone deserves to do whatever they feel that they were born to do.  Every one deserves to be in a situation in which they thrive.  At the same time, I firmly believe that there is often a way to do all of these things with your spouse still in your life. And I also believe that should you still decide that you need to separate, there’s a way to do it so that it doesn’t put your marriage in as much jeopardy. I will discuss both of these things below.

Take An Honest Look At Whether An Official Separation Is Truly Necessary: When you make the decision to chase your dream or to re prioritize yourself, it’s very normal to feel as if you need to do drastic things in order to set this in motion.  You want to sort of shake up your life so that there’s no going back. And separating from your spouse can feel like one of those logical and necessary breaks that are the next step toward moving closer to your goal.

But frankly, you may be overlooking your largest source of support. If this is done correctly, you can still have your marriage, your dreams, and the relationship that is most important to you. It’s not always easy and it may require a lifestyle change and a shift in priorities. But sometimes, you might be surprised at the accommodations and exceptions that your spouse will make in order to support you.

When You Just Need To Separate: With all of the above said, there are some couples in some situations which will feel that despite their love for and commitment to one another, they just need to separate. If this is the case, then at least structure the separation very carefully so that you have the greatest chance of obtaining both your dreams and your marriage.

In this case, money was obviously going to be tight. But that didn’t mean that the couple couldn’t meet regularly for a picnic lunch or a walk where they just spent time together and checked in. Perhaps the wife would want to show the husband her writing so that he could see that she was being completely truthful about the reason for the separation.

I suspected that this wife would tell me that there wasn’t any money available for counseling and I understand this. But perhaps a pastor or some self help resources could help to keep this couple on track with very little money. Regardless of how you accomplish it, the point is to make sure that you have regular opportunities to connect and to check in with one another. When this doesn’t happen, people tend to expect the worst or they assume that their spouse is distancing themselves from them. And these are among the most common reasons that the separation fails and leads to a divorce.

I’d like to make one final point. I understand that it’s scary to pursue your dreams. And I also understand that sometimes, you feel like you have to make very dramatic changes in your life in order to propel yourself forward. But sometimes, those changes actually end up sabotaging us because of the pressure that we have created for ourselves. Making it as a writer is hard enough without the additional pressure of trying to manage a separation and two households at the same time, not to mention abruptly leaving your job.

Sometimes, it makes more sense to see if you can ease into it before you take such dramatic action. It might have been a better idea for this wife to commit to writing regularly for two months just to see if she had that type of commitment before taking such drastic actions. And if those two months were over and she did make good on her commitment to write, then she would know that she could do both things – participate in her marriage and in her dreams.

My husband separated from me, partly in order to pursue having more free time.  I wish that he had tried to ease into a new lifestyle rather than making abrupt changes like this wife was proposing.  We did eventually save our marriage, but it was very difficult.  And this may been avoided if we had tried to make some gradual changes. If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from folks who are really trying their best to ensure that their separation is as cordial as possible. Often, they’ve asked for some space, but they haven’t yet made a decision as to whether or not to end their marriage. That’s why it can be so painful and so problematic when one of the spouses is combative or tries to push the other’s buttons.

Common concerns about this are things like: “I never wanted to fight with my husband during our trial separation. I know that he doesn’t want the separation. He’s made that crystal clear to me. He did everything in his power to talk me out of taking some time for myself. I stood my ground though and I’m proud of myself for doing so. I still love my husband. I’m just not sure where I want to take our marriage. I have only asked for a little time away. I don’t want for this to feel like a war. My ideal situation would be for both of us to grow from this and then come back together stronger than ever. But my husband seems determined that he isn’t going to let that happen. Every time we talk, he sarcastically asks me how I am enjoying my freedom now that I have abandoned him. He says he’s sure I’m just living it up now that I’ve ditched my responsibilities. The truth is that I am not living it up. I have my struggles just like every one else. Some days I am lonely. Some days I miss my husband and I doubt the whole thing, but I am never hostile to him in the way that he is with me. I am losing my patience with this and I am worried that I am going to lose my cool. I feel like if that happens, then he will just ratchet up his behavior and things will deteriorate from there. I don’t want to jeopardize things between us by fighting. How do I keep my cool when he knows which buttons to push?”

I am so glad that this wife clearly sees that she should not engage. This is the right strategy to take, but so few people take it. Most people understandably allow their emotions to take over and once that happens, things just collapse from there. It’s very smart to understand that disengaging and diffusing the situation is the best thing that you can do. But it can be a challenge to do this when he knows exactly what buttons to push. I will offer some tips on how to best accomplish this below.

Don’t Let Him See That He’s Getting To You. Don’t Reward His Behavior: I’m sure that you’re aware that he’s trying to get a reaction out of you in any way that he can. And frankly, I doubt very much if he cares if he gets a negative or positive response, as long as he can get you to respond at all. So he will likely stoop to any level just to get you to engage and he needs to learn that this is not acceptable. Don’t even give him a little bit of a response. Don’t show him that you are angry or frustrated. Keep your voice very even and monotone.  All your voice show him that his actions and behaviors are causing you to shut down. He must understand that continuing on with his behaviors is only going to give him less of what he wants. You must give him less of a reaction when he acts this way. Not more of a reaction.

Show Him That He Can’t Have Access To You Unless His Behavior Is Appropriate: You have to be careful here because if you shut him down too forcefully, this will make him angry and he will just come at you once again. So you have to remain calm but let him know that you aren’t going to respond in any way when loses control.

So the next time he starts with this behavior, you might want to say something like: “honey, I need to stop you right there. This conversation isn’t constructive right now. It’s not going to do us any good to talk to one another like this. Why don’t you call me back when you calm down a little? I really want to talk to you, but not like this. I will talk to you soon.”

Try not to sound angry. Try to sound direct and patient. He may call you back and if he does, you have to stay with the program. You have to once again say something like: “again, I don’t want for either of us to say something that we will regret or that will push us further apart. I think that we should wait until we are both calm and can have a conversation that helps our situation rather than hurts it. Let me know when you’re ready to talk to me calmly and without the angry comments. Talk to you a little later.”

You may have to repeat the process or even make him leave a message so that you can gauge his attitude before you even pick up the phone. In this way, you are training him not to reach out to you when he is filled with anger or when he intends to push your buttons. Because no good comes out of engaging in this way. My best advice is to shut down the conversation until he changes his strategy.

I’m embarrassed to admit this now, but my own husband had to use this strategy with me when we were separated.  I allowed my emotions to fuel my behaviors.   I said things that I now deeply regret.  My husband would not allow me access to him when I acted this way, so I had to completely back up and act like an adult again.  Looking back, this was absolutely the right thing for him to do.   And I believe that his standing his ground helped us to save our marriage.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from folks who are dealing with a spouse who doesn’t think that the couple has the commitment or the tools in order to save their marriage. Sometimes, it becomes obvious that one spouse has the commitment and determination for both people. But the spouse who is reluctant to try will often proclaim that he just doesn’t feel prepared or willing to attempt the large task of saving the marriage. This can leave the hopeful spouse wondering if they are going to have to attempt this alone.

An example of what you might hear in this type of situation is something like this: “my husband is telling me that he is not capable of saving our marriage. My husband’s big complaint – and the entire reason that he feels that we should get a divorce – is that we are opposites in terms of our personality. I am a very affectionate and touchy type of person. I need hugs, kisses, and reassurance and I like to give the same to my husband. But he is very introverted and he rarely shows affection. I like to travel. I am not a planner. I am always late. My husband wants to stay at home in his safe little cocoon and he rarely wants to break out of his routine. I have told him that I need more from him. I have told him that he doesn’t make me feel secure. So I’ve asked him to go with me to counseling so that we can both learn to be better. He told me that he’s not willing to do this. Basically he told me: ‘I don’t have it in me to save this marriage. I will never be what you want me to be. I am never going to be the life of the party and I will never be a world traveler. I will never be comfortable with public displays of affection and this is what you want. I just don’t have it in me to change and I am not willing to even attempt it.’  See what I mean? How am I supposed to respond to this? And does my marriage even stand a chance if my husband isn’t even willing to try to make things better?”

I know first hand the challenge that you are facing when you know that you might have to save your marriage all by yourself. But I also know first hand that it can be done because I have done it. But, I do have to admit that my husband and I were not polar opposites as in this case. However, I have seen that scenario work out as well. The key to it as incredible amounts of compromise. But what happens when one spouse thinks that he isn’t willing to compromise? Well, you have to ease him into it very gradually. I will discuss this more below.

Be Willing To Compromise Before You Attempt To Ask Him To Do The Same: I know that it can feel really unfair to have to take the initiative and do all of the bending. But unfortunately, sometimes, this is just what it takes, especially at first. In order to make him even entertain the idea that saving your marriage is going to be possible, you will often have to show him rather than tell him. In other words, it’s usually not very effective to say things like: “you’ll see. I can change. I’ll show you that I’m going to change and you’re going to change too. Wait and see.” Instead, you want to just show him real change without really making announcements or proclamations about it. The reason for this is that if you announce what you’re going to do, your spouse might resist you. Or, you might be met with doubt that would not have otherwise been present if you didn’t give him a preview of what you were going to try to attempt.

So, you might just start out staying home for a set number of nights without complaint.  Try to see things from your spouse’s point of view.  His lifestyle makes him feel safe and comfortable.  So, you might offer him the affection that you already know that he is comfortable with and not expect or ask for anything in return. Do not criticize him or ask for more early in the process. Typically, he will start to be a little more upbeat when he sees that you are no longer asking for him to step outside of his comfort zone and you aren’t criticizing him. At that point, you are just waiting for him to make one smile stride. This might be offering you more reassurance or being a tiny bit more adventurous. The point is, as soon as the opportunity is there, take it. Praise any little effort he makes and brag about him in front of others. Then, allow him to go back to his comfort zone for a little while and repeat the process again.

You want him to associate doing what he knows you want more of as a pleasurable experience rather than a painful one. Because once this happens, he will be much more willing to give a little bit. Notice that I didn’t use the word change. There’s a reason for that. I don’t believe that people can completely change their psychological make up for someone else, especially not in a long term relationship. And if you attempt to force him to do this, he will often resent it or hear it as criticism.

But to answer the original question, your husband may not think that he has it in him to save your marriage, but you can overcome this. It’s my suggestion that you don’t ask him to be who you both know he isn’t. Instead, you should show him that the two of you can coexist quite blissfully without either of you needing to give up your identities or comfort levels.

As I alluded to, one of the reasons that my husband wanted to separate from me was because he thought we had different life goals and priorities.  I had to show him that this wasn’t the deal breaker that he thought it was.  Telling him this did no good.  I had to show him.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from people who very sure that they no longer want to live alone and that they no longer want to manage a household without their spouse. They are often looking for a way to effectively communicate this in the hopes that it will inspire their spouse to come back home.

A comment that would give a good example of this is something like: “I am really struggling since our trial separation started. I begged my husband not to go but he said that he just wasn’t happy and that he needed to leave for a while. This is so hard on me. I am having to take responsibility for all of the household chores and for all of the parenting. My husband is probably at his new place without a care in the world while I am stuck doing all of the homework, making all of the meals, mowing the yard, taking out the trash, and taking care of all of the other tasks involved in running a home with children. Meanwhile, I am so lonely that I almost can’t stand it. I miss my husband so much. Every time he calls, I try to make it very clear that I need for him to come home. I tell him what an awful time that we are all having without him and he doesn’t seem to care. He still stays away. How do I make him see that I need for him to come back right away?” I will try to answer these concerns below.

Understand The Picture That You Are Painting: Please don’t take what I am about to say in the wrong way. I don’t mean for this to sound harsh and it isn’t my intention to be unkind. But think for a minute about the picture that you are painting. You are asking your husband to come back to a situation that you yourself are admitting is almost unbearable. And the words that you are using are describing a situation where you need for him to come home to almost perform labor. In his mind, he might be thinking that you want for him to come home so that there is someone to take out the trash and to help with the meals in the homework.

In other words, he might be hearing you ask him to come home so that he can share in the workload rather than participating in a loving family. I understand that parenting is a joint effort. I understand that you deserve for him to do his fair share. You have every right to feel this way. These are not unreasonable requests. But you have to be very careful about how you are phrasing this. Because asking him to come home in such a way that he is hearing that you only want him to come back so that he can share the chores or ease your loneliness may not sound all that appealing to him. He may start to avoid you because he doesn’t want to feel the guilt and he doesn’t want to hear about how horrible he has made your life.

Understand That The Better Strategy Might Be To Inspire Him To Want To Come Home: I hope that you can accept that the way that you phrase any request while you are separated is vitally important. How you present yourself can sometimes greatly influence the outcome. It’s my opinion and experience that you have a much higher chance of inspiring him to come home if you present him with a reality that makes him want to come home rather than trying to appeal to his guilt to make him feel obligated to come home.

Because quite honestly, people will often try to run away from negative emotions. So if you make him feel guilty, or ashamed, or regretful, then he’s actually more likely to want to stay away. But if you can make him feel nostalgia for your marriage and for your bond, then he is going to be more likely to come closer.

So how do you do this? You present him with a different picture than what you have already been painting. You show him someone who is capable, coping, and full of self respect. In other words, you want to show him that you don’t want for him to come home because he pities you or because he feels a sense of guilt and obligation, you want for him to come home because he wants to be there and because he wants to be with you.

The next time you talk to him, try very hard to focus on anything positive that you can. Yes, things aren’t ideal right now. But you still have your children. You are still married. You are still in contact with your spouse. You have many positive things on which you can build. And focusing on the positive will increase the chances that your husband will want to reach out to you and be receptive to you.

But to be very clear on the question originally posed, I don’t think it’s best to make your husband see that you need for him to come home. I think that it is in your best interest to inspire your husband to want to come home. There is a huge and important difference between the two. Telling him that you need him to come home doesn’t paint the most inspiring and alluring picture. I’m not saying that you should deny reality or pretend. But I do think that you should try to focus on the positive and show your husband the capable and strong side of yourself. Because this picture is the most alluring one and the most likely to inspire him to consider returning home willingly instead of begrudgingly.

I know much of this because of my own situation.  During my own separation, when I tried to appeal to my husband’s sense of obligation and guilt, it got my absolutely no where.  In fact, he distanced himself from me even more.  It wasn’t until I focused on the positive that I started to see a huge improvement.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  I sometimes hear from folks who are no longer sure of their romantic feelings for their spouse.  Often, there is no real conflict.  The couple will sometimes get along relatively well, but the real issue is that the spark has gone.  Many of these spouses will freely admit that their spouse is a good person and loyal companion, but at the same time, they are not sure if they are still in love with their spouse.  Despite this though, many of them still want to save their marriages.  And they aren’t sure if this is going to be possible because of this doubt.

Common concerns are things like: “I am not sure if I love my husband anymore.  I feel like we have just sort of outgrown one another.   Or maybe we’ve gone apart.  But I’m not sure if I’m truly in love with him anymore.  Despite this, I do want to save my marriage, mostly because of my children.  But there are other reasons also.   I’m just not sure if I am strong enough to live as a single person.  I don’t want to start over.  I like having the companionship of living with another adult.  At the same time, I sometimes feel as if I am selling myself short.  I feel as if everyone deserves romantic or intense love.  Maybe my expectations are unrealistic.  But regardless of my struggles, I don’t want to get a divorce.  Is it possible to save your marriage when you’re not sure if you’re still in love with your spouse?”  I will tell you my opinion on this in the following article.

I actually believe that not only can you save your marriage in this situation, but you can also get the loving feelings back while doing so.  I’ll explain this a little further in the following article.

Saving Your Marriage Despite Your Doubts Requires A Leap Of Faith, But It Most Definitely Can Be Done:  I believe that it is much easier to save your marriage when you are firmly bonded to your spouse and also physically and romantically attracted to them.  But, if these components aren’t part of the package at first, I still think that it’s entirely possible to save your marriage very successfully anyway.

Sure, it requires for you to almost act “as if” for a while.  What I mean by this is that you have to sort of have the attitude that you’re going to fake it until you make it.  You may not be so attracted to your spouse that you can’t stop thinking about him, but you can look for the positive things that you currently feel.  Most often, you can still look at your spouse and realize that he’s a solid guy who is always there for you.  Maybe you still find him solidly built and having a nice smile.  Whatever you can cling to in order to motivate you to continue to be invested in your marriage, use it.   Because once you strengthen your marriage, I believe that it’s very likely that you will begin to have romantic and loving feelings toward your spouse again.

Decide That You’re Not Going To Evaluate Your Feelings Until You’ve Made A Real Effort Toward Revitalizing Your Marriage:  This wife anticipated that her expectations might not have been realistic.   And she’s right that it’s absolutely normal to lose some of the spark after you’ve been together for a while.  But it’s important to also understand that often the romantic feelings that you are experiencing in your marriage are a direct reflection on the effort that you are putting into your marriage.  I firmly believe that when people express that their feelings are slipping, the first place that you should look for a contributing factor to this is the time spent on nurturing that same marriage.

It’s my experience that once you turn your very concentrated efforts into strengthening your connection with your spouse, you will often also find that you once again start to see the best in them.  And once this happens, you will usually just naturally want to spend more time together.  As a result, you will begin to develop a more intimate and playful relationship.  Intimacy inspires attraction.  And attraction inspires a feeling of “being in love.”

Once your marriage is back on track, suddenly those little things that your spouse does no longer bothers you quite as much.  You begin to think that their mannerisms or habits are cute and endearing all over again.   That’s why it’s so important to not declare that you are no longer in love with your spouse until you have given this process time to work.  Because when it does work, you usually have no doubt about your love for your spouse.

But to answer the original concern, yes, I do firmly believe that it is possible to save your marriage even when you doubt your love for your spouse (and even if he doubts his love for you.)  Because often, when you put more effort into your marriage, you will find that the loving feelings come rushing back. And those attraction and chemistry doubts are no longer present as the result.

In my own marriage, I was always in love with my spouse, but he doubted his love for me.  We went through the process of saving our marriage anyway and the loving feelings returned.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from people who feel as though they have made a reasonable effort in talking their spouse out of the pursuing a divorce. Often, they have tried to debate the issue  with their spouse. They may have even tried a little reverse psychology for good measure. And they may have even have gone so far as to give their spouse some space. But, unfortunately, despite all of this, they are looking at an end result that is the same – a spouse who is saying that he wants a divorce.

It’s not unusual to get to a point where you have no more cards up your sleeve and no more bags of tricks at your feet. Even though you may still want to save your marriage, you can grow very tired of this process and can start to consider just giving in and allowing the divorce to happen.

Common comments are things like: “my husband has been unhappy in our marriage for a while. At first, he just kind of moped around but didn’t really verbalize his complaints. But then he eventually moved onto telling me the various ways that our marriage and myself made him unhappy. I told him that I’d be willing to go to counseling with him in order to save our marriage. He wasn’t really listening to much that I said. And he kept moping around the house and keeping his distance from me. We had no intimacy to speak of and he never attempted to spend any time with me. So a couple of days ago, my husband asked me out to dinner. I got my hopes up that things were going to improve for us. But they didn’t. He asked me to dinner so that he could tell me that he wants a divorce. I wasn’t sure how to respond. I mostly picked at my food and didn’t really give him any type of firm answer. But part of me wants to tell him that if he wants to be rid of me so badly then he should just go right ahead and file. But when I think about this reality, I’m sad. I don’t want to end my marriage. But I feel like I’ve tried most everything that I can think of. Should I just tell him to go right ahead and file?”

Unfortunately, this isn’t a decision that anyone else should make other than this wife. And I know that it’s a very tough decision. There was a time when my husband was hinting about a divorce. I didn’t know what else to try in order to improve our marriage. I’d tried various strategies to improve his happiness level but nothing had worked. Many friends were trying to gently tell me that perhaps it was time to bow out gracefully. So I fully understand the thought process where you think that maybe it would be best for every one if you just go ahead and agree to let your spouse, and your marriage, go.

And sometimes, this is the best call for you. But it’s my opinion that you aren’t going to know that until you sit down, get very quiet, and then ask yourself what it is that you really want. And by this I mean that you want to uncover what you would have happen if there were no odds or obstacles standing in your way. Imagine that you could wave a magic wand and have your deep desires come true. It wasn’t too difficult to guess at what this wife wanted because she had very plainly said that she had gotten her hopes up by the dinner and that she truly wanted to save her marriage, but she was discouraged because nothing had worked.

If all of this were true, then it seems to me that giving in and telling him to file a divorce would not be entirely in line with her wishes. In short, she would be conceding the divorce because she felt that it would be easier for everyone and because she feared that the divorce was what was going to happen anyway. But sometimes, you have to act in response to what you truly want rather than going by what your theorize would be the path of least resistance.

Granted, saving this marriage might be a difficult road. But there were strategies that hadn’t yet been tried. There were conversations that hadn’t yet been spoken. My opinion about this has always been (and I completely admit that this is only one person’s opinion) that the time to concede or seek a divorce is only after you know that you have done everything that you can to save your marriage first. Because if you know that, then you can walk away with out any hesitation and doubt. You walk away with peace because you know that you made every effort to have the desired outcome. Sometimes, we just fall short even after we’ve given it an honest effort. But we don’t know unless we try.

As I alluded to, I did consider giving up and angrily telling my husband to go ahead and file for a divorce.  But, in my heart, I didn’t want to let him, or our marriage, go.  So I decided to try a few new strategies and one of them eventually worked.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  I sometimes hear from spouses who realize that it’s important to give their spouse some space during the trial separation. Many are also fully aware that this time is best used for working on themselves and for allowing the distance to create a longing for one another so that their marriage actually improves during the separation.

And this strategy can sound extremely plausible. It’s easy to understand why it is necessary. But actually carrying it out might be a bit more difficult than you think. Because in real life, it’s possible that you’re always going to be fighting the urge to say and demonstrate how you really feel so that backing off a little bit can be extremely difficult.

Common comments are things like: “I know that it’s very important to give my husband his space during our separation. The whole reason that he pursued this separation was for his space. So I understand why my backing off is necessary, but it’s very hard. Because I always feel as if I am fighting my true feelings. I want to call him. I want to tell him that I love him. I want to beg him to reassure me that this is all going to be OK. I want to tell him that I miss him so much that it is sometimes hard for me to sleep at night. And I am tempted to admit that I dream about our early days when we were so in love and before the trouble started. In my mind, I know that it’s best not to blindly disclose all of these things. But my heart doesn’t seem to know this. And I almost feel like a liar holding all of this back. It almost feels dishonest. Part of me just wants to let him see the truth. How is the best way to handle this? Should I just continue on as I have been by hiding my true feelings?”

Why Full Disclosure And Brutal Honesty Can Backfire: These questions really hit home for me because I have been in this situation. But unlike this wife, I began our separation being very transparent about my feelings until it became obvious that this wasn’t the best approach. When I felt like calling my husband, I called him despite the fact that it was almost always obvious that he wasn’t thrilled to hear from me. It wasn’t until it became very clear that I had to create a little distance or lose my husband that I embraced the backoff strategy. And this was simply because it was clear that I had no other choice.

How To Handle It When This Strategy Is Beyond Hard: Yes, backing off was very difficult. Some days, I had to put away my cell phone and I had to make retrieving it difficult so that I wouldn’t continue to reach out too much. When things got very bad, I drove hours to get back to my hometown and spend time with my parents, partly because I knew that this would make the self-imposed distance easier. I hated every minute of this and it was a constant struggle within myself. And yes, at times I felt as if I was faking my feelings and not being completely true to myself. This was very difficult. And looking back, I think that the only thing that kept me going was the fact that I could see very clearly that this strategy was improving things between us. There was a very clear difference between the times when I was clinging too tightly and the times where I wasn’t. My husband was much more receptive to me when I kept a bit of distance. So, as painful as this strategy was, I knew that I had to stay with it because it was working.

You Can Set Your Own Standards: Did this strategy of mine make me a fraud? Maybe. But I did have standards with this. I knew that it was never going to be acceptable for me to out and out lie or speak untruths. I never wavered on the fact that it was my greatest hope to reconcile with my husband if we could ever get it together in a way that made this possible. I also never pretended that I was or intended to date anyone else, nor did I ever pretend to not care about my husband or what happened between us.

And yes, I guess this sometimes made me feel as if I were fighting my true feelings. But I knew what my true feelings were and I expressed them in my journal quite regularly. I also believe that deep down, my husband was well aware of how I truly felt. Yes, he might have thought that this whole process made me so tired and discouraged that I needed to back away, but I don’t think that either of us ever questioned my love for and commitment to him. So while I may not have been displaying my feelings so openly and so regularly, I think that my husband and I both always knew that they were there.

Focusing On The Bottom Line And Not Necessarily The Method: It did feel odd and a little sad not to be able to express them freely. But at the same time, I was willing to do this as long as it appeared that it was continuing to help my situation. I suppose that I would answer the original question by saying that I understand that this is painful and that it sometimes feels as if you’re not being completely true to your feelings. But at the same time, I also feel that the end most definitely justifies the means. If not constantly expressing your feelings allows your husband the distance that he needs in order to be more receptive to you and to eventually reconcile, then to me, this is worth it. Yes, you need an outlet for those feelings and you shouldn’t deny them. But sometimes it’s best that the outlet isn’t your husband, at least for a little while.

As I alluded to, I did have to back away dramatically during my own separation.  It was painful.  But it was worth it because it allowed me to make the progress that saved my marriage.  If it helps, you can read the whole story at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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