Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from people who have decided with complete certainty that they want their spouse back and they want to save their marriage, (despite the fact that they are now separated.) Often, it feels somewhat good to be so sure about this and to make a firm decision. Unfortunately though, saving a marriage is easier if you have the commitment and the cooperation of both people. In order to have a relationship, both people have to participate in it. And, even when one spouse is sure that the marriage is worth fighting for, there is always that fear of rejection and the concern that the other spouse won’t agree.

You might hear a wife say: “my husband and I have been separated for about three months. Ironically, I am the one who initially brought up the separation. I am the one who mostly wasn’t happy. My husband suggested counseling, but I didn’t think that it would work and I didn’t want to waste the money. Now that I have spent night after night without my husband and have found that I miss his laugh, his presence, and his sweetness, I realize that I was completely mistaken. Sure, we have our problems. But I had unrealistic expectations of my marriage. I expected too much when I myself gave very little. I regret that so much now. I want my husband back. I want my married life back. Ironically, while I am struggling with the separation, my husband seems to be thriving. He actually seems more relaxed and happy.  And, part of me understands this. I was such a tyrant before. I always had him walking on eggshells. So his emotional load is probably a little lighter now. But I am certain that I want him back. I’ve never wanted anything so much. Sometimes, when we have good conversations on the phone, I want to tell him this. I want to ask him to give our marriage another chance. But I’m afraid this will cause him to back away. I have kept things friendly between us. And frankly, when I was the one who was unsure about our marriage, my husband seemed more invested in our marriage. But, now that he is the one who seems to be pulling away a little and asserting his own independence, he doesn’t seem so interested in me and the marriage. So I am afraid that if I tell him how I feel, he is going to start to back away. How do I approach this? I feel like if I leave things at the status quo, he may begin to allow me less of his time and attention.”

This is a very valid concern. I don’t mean to come across as a pessimist or to try to take away anyone’s hope. But I get a lot of correspondence from wives in this very situation on my blog. (And, I’ve also dealt with this situation myself.) I can tell you that spouses can pull away if you don’t handle this with a little care. If your change of heart seems too abrupt, too insincere, or comes at an inopportune time, then you will sometimes find yourself in a situation where you had a different relationship than you had before. Worse, your spouse may start to avoid you. So I would encourage this wife to listen to her gut and to handle this with extreme care. In the following article, I’ll offer some tips which I think can help you to handle this in order give you the best chance of success.

Don’t Come Out With The Truth Until You Have Laid A Foundation: If you have any doubts about how your spouse is going to feel about coming back, then it is best to work very gradually. Instead of just blurting out that you want him back immediately, you want to gradually increase the quantity and quality of the time that you spend together. If you are successfully able to do this, then you will often find that your relationship is improving, evolving, and changing. Once this happens, you should just naturally more toward a reconciliation pattern without your needing to even make any declaration about it.

I know from experience that it is much better to have patience than to rush into it and then have him pull away and put his defenses up. In this case, the husband was receptive to the wife. They were speaking regularly and getting along well. So, she was in a situation where she could build on this rather than jeopardizing it.

Show Him What Changed Without Directly And Obviously Spelling It Out: Frankly, if the wife were to come out tomorrow and announce that she wanted this husband back, he might resist her. Why? Because he was suddenly enjoying the freedom of not having to walk on egg shells. And he might be reluctant to give that back. So, the wife’s job when they got together was to show the husband a new, more laid back version of herself. She wanted to show him that she had changed that part of her personality. And, she needed to show him that she was willing to give in the relationship rather than to only take. This entire process may take a little time. After years of establishing these issues in the relationship, it was going to take some time to erase them. But doing so is very important because it’s the only way that your spouse is going to feel confident in coming back.

But to address the initial concern, in my experience, the way to tell him that you want him back without having him pull away is to not make any official announcement at all, because that has the risk of rejection. Instead, you should spend more quality time together and you should show him meaningful changes. Then, as your relationship improves as a result, then reconciling should just be the natural result.

I tried to tell my husband that I wanted him back during our separation countless times.  And this hurt my cause rather than helped it.  He pulled away so I had no choice but to try this gradual process, which eventually worked.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from people who, with a very heavy heart, are finally telling themselves that it might be time to move on from their spouse or from their separation. This is often not a decision that they have made lightly. Often, they make this decision when they feel as though they don’t have another choice or when they feel that this is in their own best interest. So, they will convince themselves that they have finally come to terms with what they must do – and that means moving on and starting again.

So I might hear someone say something like: “I have been separated for over eight months. For many weeks, I have been hoping for an improvement in our situation. This hasn’t happened. Occasionally, I see some interest from my husband but it seems like once I get my hopes up, he will back away again. It’s a roller coaster that hurts over and over again. The other day, I asked my husband if we were over for good and he said that he didn’t know. He said that he was as frustrated as I was. But he didn’t really give me much hope. I am not sure that I can take this week after week and month after month. It hurts. So, my friends have been urging me to give up on this whole situation and to move on. I can not be the one to initiate a divorce. I am not going to do that. But I guess what I can do is give up in my own mind and begin to move on in my own life. The problem is, I don’t know how to do this. I have been with my husband for so long. I have not been on my own in more than a decade. It feels so foreign to me when I am alone. How do you begin to start again when you have almost lost yourself in this process?”

Words such as this really hit home for me. I was in this same position once upon a time. I knew that it was in my best interest to move on. I knew that sitting at home and waiting on my husband meant pain and stagnation. But I literally felt stuck and somewhat paralyzed. Every time I would try to go out, I would almost feel as though I were betraying my husband and I felt awkward and odd. Every attempt just felt wrong.

At the same time though, I knew that just sitting at home wasn’t getting me anywhere either. I took some very good advice that suggested that I begin to move forward only on my own terms. What this meant was that I respected and listened to that little voice in my head that told when I wasn’t ready and when I was. So, if something felt forced or required too much of an effort for me, I gave myself permission to wait.

Generally, I surrounded myself with people who I knew genuinely loved and supported me. I avoided people who were trashing my husband or who made me feel even worse about myself or about my situation. I had no use for that. If something felt like too much of a task or made me feel drained, than I took this as a good indication to turn away and try something else. I tried to always follow love. What I mean by that is that I interacted with those who loved me. I read books that I loved. I went to places that inspired me. I tried to surround myself with things that made me feel nourished and supported. I tried to revisit those things and subjects that I had once felt passionate about.

I sat down and made a list of things that I’d been wanting to do for years but never had the time or the inclination to do and I began to try them one by one. Some felt awkward but some felt like coming home. And those are the things that I continued to pursue. I started writing during this time. I started looking at art again. I began reaching out to friends that I hadn’t kept up with for quite a long time. I read books in genres that I’d never tried before. I took up gardening.  And, probably the thing that helped me most of anything else was taking up yoga.  I started with DVDs at home but I eventually went to a center.  Like nothing else, yoga took me out of my own head and helped my body to relax and my mind to quiet. Honestly, it changed my outlook like nothing else.

In short, I kept myself busy and I tried to distract myself with things that helped moved me along and uplifted me rather than bringing me down. At the same time, I didn’t give up on my marriage. Not really, anyway. In the back of my mind, I always had hope. But I was also clear on the fact that I was no longer going to tread water or stand in quick sand. And then a really strange thing happened. My husband noticed this new person. And he responded to her. And suddenly, my marriage wasn’t so hopeful after all.

I don’t know what the future holds for the marriage discussed above.  But I do know that prioritizing yourself and starting over in your own life can sometimes have a benefit in other areas of your life. Starting over doesn’t always need to mean that you have completely given up. It just means that you have decided to turn your focus on yourself for a while. It’s my opinion that as long as you are caring deeply for yourself, you will know when to move forward in different areas of your life. I don’t think that you need to force yourself when things feel wrong. But I do think that it can benefit you to stop putting yourself on hold while you are waiting for other things to unfold. Take it one step at a time. And I believe that you can never go wrong when you follow love.

I hope this article has helped some.  I know that the whole idea of taking that first step is scary.   But do it gradually if this feels better.  And surround yourself with what lifts you up rather than what brings you down.  If it helps, you can read more about my own progress on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from couples who are confused (and a little upset) as to why they always seem to get along better when they are away from their spouse. Quite often, they fight or have continuous conflict when they are under the same roof. But when one of them has to travel for business or they choose a short trial separation, they find that they can actually relate to one another in a more positive way. This can often bring about both a sense of relief and concern. It’s a relief that there is a reprieve from the conflict. But the worry is what this situation says about the state of their marriage.

An example of a comment that I might hear in this situation is something like: “my husband and I have always had a passionate relationship where we were fight and make up. This was actually kind of exciting in the beginning of our relationship and neither one of us worried about this too much. But after we have been married for a while and had kids, we started to recognize how unhealthy the cycle really was. Once we were being more mindful of this, we started to notice that once my husband traveled for business, we always got along well when we communicated while he was away. That is why we decided to try living apart for a little while. And we have found that we continue to get along better when we are apart. We’ve even considered living apart and remaining married on a full time basis, but this probably isn’t in the best interest of our children. What does this say about our marriage? If we can’t get along when we are living under the same roof, are we better off divorced? Honestly, I do love my husband. And I really love our marriage when we are getting along. But this isn’t all of the time. What is going to happen to us?”

I couldn’t speculate about what was going to happen. This was a decision that only the couple could make. But, I can tell you my opinion on this. I don’t think that having some conflict when living together is a reason to just throw your marriage away, especially since this couple had shown that their marriage could improve when they changed the circumstances. Admittedly, this situation might not be an easy one to navigate. It was probably going to take a lot of experimentation in order to come up with a situation in which every one was happy. But, I think that it is definitely doable under the right circumstances.

Try A Gradual Approach: I think that the wife was right in her assumption that living apart full time was going to be challenging with children. With that said, I think that having the husband just abruptly moving home without learning new communication and negotiating skills was not giving this couple the new tools that they might need in order to succeed. They had tried this approach more than once and it had always failed. So, it makes sense to try to learn new ways to negotiate living together this time around.

It could be that even run of the mill disagreements tended to run away with this couple. But, if they learned how to negotiate their problems effectively, perhaps this would no longer be the case. Once you’ve learned how to navigate the issues a little better, you could try the husband coming home on weekends. If that works OK, then perhaps after a couple of months, you add more time at home during the week into the mix until you find an arrangement that you are comfortable with. It’s so important to be flexible here and to communicate.

I Think Every One Should Feel Free To Do What Works For Them: This is only my opinion, but I think that it is more important that your marriage is healthy and happy rather than traditional. All sorts of different marriages thrive in this world. What works for someone else may not work for you. But if you are happy with a more flexible living relationship or both you and your spouse need or want to travel frequently, I think that this is much preferable to getting a divorce. As long as you are openly communicating if the situation no longer works for you or if you have needs that aren’t getting met, I don’t think that this is a situation that can’t be overcome or should be the end of an otherwise workable relationship.

Sure, there was obviously some need for improved conflict resolution. There was obviously some buttons being pushed when the couple were under the same roof for any length of time. And these things needed to be addressed and fixed. But none of this needed to mean the end of a marriage that was working under certain conditions.

Since my husband and I reconciled, we constantly have to renegotiate and communicate to remain on track.  I have learned that this perfectly fine.  And I’ve also learned not to compare or analyze my marriage.  It’s more important that it works than how it looks.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from people who feel as if they need to make some pretty drastic changes in order to save their marriage. Sometimes, they want to change what they feel is the stimulus or situation that is causing the problems in their marriage in the first place. And, there are times when that problem is perceived to be where the couple lives.

I might hear a comment like: “my husband and I are really struggling in our marriage. He has mentioned getting a separation or a divorce countless times. I am starting to think that it would really help us if we moved. Right now, we are living in his parents’ basement. I cringe when I write this because never in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine that we would live with either of our parents. My husband lost his job a couple of years ago and although he is working now, we never really got back on our financial feet. We lost our home as a result of that and we are trying to buy a new one. So, in order to save money for a decent down payment, we are living with his parents. This causes all sorts of stress between us. His mother treats us both like children and is always inserting herself into our lives and in our marriage. She insults me right in front of my husband and he doesn’t do anything about it. And, his ex girlfriend is his sister’s best friend. And she is always over here. Sometimes, I pick up extra shifts at work because I am trying to build our savings faster. But when I am at work and I know that my husband is here with her, I always feel uneasy about it. I trust my husband, but I don’t trust her. We fight more than we ever have. I feel as if our marriage is in big trouble at this point. And I feel that in order to save our marriage, my husband and I need to move. Yes, we will have to spend the money that we are currently saving since this means that owning our home is going to take far longer. But at this point, I’d rather rent a home and remain married than face a separation or a divorce and live with his family. Would moving potentially save our marriage?”

No one can really answer this question for sure except for this couple and allowing some time to see what is going to happen. But often, when your marriage is struggling under some sort of stressor, removing that stressor can sometimes improve things dramatically. With that said, sometimes when you remove some stressor, you have to knowingly trade one source of stress for another. That could be possible in this situation. Yes, this couple would no longer be living with someone’s parents while constantly seeing an old girlfriend. And, this was likely to improve both their stress levels and their marriage. But, they would be introducing the additional stressor of struggling financially. And only they knew if this stressor was going to be easier for their marriage to handle than the one that they were handling right now.

I suspected that the wife would rather struggle with money than struggle with additional women in her husband’s life and I didn’t blame her. I think that I too would rather have less money but move privacy and more of an opportunity to live freely as a married couple. However, it’s important to understand that just changing your location doesn’t always change or save your marriage. Unless both people are in complete agreement about moving, there can always be some leftover resentment. If the husband didn’t want to leave and the wife forced his hand, then he might always be angry when money was now tight because they were having to pay rent. The point is, there’s not always a perfect solution when you are knowingly trading one stressor for another.

But sometimes, if you are able to do this very consciously, and you know your spouse and your marriage, then you already have a good idea of what your marriage can shoulder and what it can not. With this said, the conflict never really leaves. Sure, you won’t be faced with it every day and there will be some relief in that. But by moving, this couple weren’t getting rid of the conflict with the husband’s mother. It would still likely come up when they spent time together. But at least it would no longer be coming up on a daily basis.

So to answer the question posed, I couldn’t predict whether moving would save this couple’s marriage. But it seemed clear that it would lessen the daily stress. This could be a positive change, as long as they understood that they would be replacing the conflict with their extended family with a potential financial conflict. As long as they were willing to keep communicating, negotiating, and compromising, then this might have been a trade worth making.

Continuous stress can definitely put a strain on your marriage.  Looking back, I believe that if my husband and I had reduced some of our stress, we may not have separated in the first place.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from folks who are having second, third, and even fourth thoughts about leaving their spouses. At the time that they left, they felt reasonably certain about their choice. But once they’ve been away for a while, they start to miss their spouse desperately and they begin to second guess their decision to leave. This situation is made even worse when their spouse is reluctant to take them back. Or, even worse, their tells them that they were right to leave.

I might hear from someone who says something like: “I admit it. I am the one who initiated the separation. I am the one who left. I didn’t think that I wanted to be married anymore. I didn’t think that I wanted my husband any more. I thought that I outgrew him. I thought that he got on my nerves. I thought that we would never work because our marriage has shown us that we are just not compatible. But frankly, I wasn’t having many second thoughts when I walked out the door. Honestly, I felt a sense of relief. But within three weeks, I began to miss my husband. Within two months, I was calling him all of the time and trying to see him. I realize now that I made a grave error. This has all been a huge mistake. I have been trying to work up my courage to tell him that I want another chance and that I want to come back. But last night, he called me and told me that he’s probably going to go ahead and file for divorce. He says that I was probably right all along, but he would never have taken the initiative to do anything about it so it’s good that I took action. I feel that the opposite is true. I feel that this is all a mistake and I wish that I had never taken any action. Now, even though I’m the one who put this whole awful thing into motion, I don’t want to let go. I don’t want to let my husband or my marriage slip away from me. Is this a mistake that can’t be undone? What can I do now?”

I don’t think that this mistake couldn’t be undone. I think that there is always a chance and I think that you won’t know until you try. But, I also think that there are some things that you can do which will increase your chances of success. There are also some things that can decrease it. I will discuss both in the following article.

Make Sure That You Aren’t Going To Change Your Mind Again: I don’t mean to state the obvious. But this is a huge reversal of course. Your husband has likely finally comes to terms with this, so if you are not absolutely sure that you want to give your marriage a real try, then think twice before you put your husband through this process twice. Make sure that you are absolutely going to be willing to do the work necessary to make meaningful changes to your marriage so that you aren’t as unhappy as you were. I understand that you miss your husband. But missing him is sometimes not enough to really save your marriage. You will likely both need to make some changes and put in a lot of effort. So, if you aren’t sure that you are willing to do this, then take a little more time to think about it. Because that’s only fair to your husband. And he is likely going to have some understandable doubts. So it’s important that one of you is very motivated and very clear about what needs to happen. It is better if this person is you since you are the person who initiated the separation.

Ease Your Way Into It: Your spouse might wonder about your sincerity if it appears that you do a complete about face over night. You want to allow for them to see that you have thought deeply about this and have thought in depth about how you might change things so that your marriage can work. Sometimes, when I tell people this, they tell me that they feel as if they need to lay their cards on the table immediately because they don’t want for their spouse to file for divorce.

I understand this, but I think it’s worth it to try to ask for more time before everything comes spilling out. Instead of suddenly declaring your undying love all of a sudden and without warning, you may want o stay something like: “I was hoping that you wouldn’t move so quickly, even though I can understand why you are. I’ve started to have some doubts and I was hoping that we could talk about this. I don’t expect to make over night changes, but I was hoping that we could spend some time together before we decide to end our marriage. I don’t want for us to make the wrong choice. Right now, I’m just asking for a little additional time before we make a final decision that can’t be undone. Can you agree to this? I know that we have both been hurting. And I know that this may seem abrupt. But I think it would give both of us some peace of mind if we took our time. And if things don’t go our way, at least we know that we tried everything.”

Many spouses will agree to a little more time, even if they aren’t sure if they are ever going to want to get back together. Now, they may be resistant because they are hurt by your moving out. It’s important that you approach them with complete sincerity and patience. It’s important that you don’t make it seem as if this is all about you. In fact, you must make it clear that there is plenty in this for them.  They must eventually believe that they will be happier staying in the marriage than leaving it.

Accept That It Make Take A Great Deal Of Time And Effort To Make Your Husband Understand Your Change Of Heart: Even if your spouse really wants you back and really wants to save your marriage, they may be reacting out of pain and fear. They may wonder why all of a sudden you have changed your mind They may be afraid that you will change your mind again. So, it’s very important that you are prepared to wait for as long as it takes for them to be secure. And you may need to be very specific with details about what changed your mind and what is going to change now. Your spouse will want to know what changes you plan to make so that you won’t leave them again. It’s important to come prepared with a workable plan and to be willing to provide a lot of reassurance and patience.

My husband did eventually change his mind about our separation.  But, if it had been abrupt, I may have been concerned.  It took a gradual period of time before he was comfortable trust in our marriage again.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  I sometimes hear from wives who have heard a very difficult truth from their husbands.  He’s now claiming that he is no longer in love with her.  But after dropping that bit of bad news, he’s assuring her that he’s going to stay either because of the children or because of his sense of commitment.  Understandably, this revelation is very troublesome and hurtful to the wife. It’s painful to hear your husband tell you that he’s not in love with you.  But you also may ask yourself if he’s actually going to stay.  After all, will he really stay forever if there is no love?  And if so, for how long?  Who is going to commit to a lifetime of a stale marriage without love?

A common comment is something like: “last night my husband sat me down and told me that he was no longer in love with me.  He said that I haven’t really done anything wrong, but he’s just fallen out of love.  When I got upset about this, he assured me that he wasn’t going to leave me.  He said he made a commitment to me and our children and he is going to honor it.  I find this a little hard to believe.  And since he doesn’t have any intention of leaving, why would he tell me this in the first place?  Part of me thinks he’s telling me this in order to give me a warning so that I can get used to the idea before he actually leaves.  I just have my doubts that anyone would be willing to stay in a marriage without love for that long.  My children are small.  It will be many years before they are adults.  Is he really going to stay with me?”

Why You Shouldn’t Blindly Trust Right Now: I really felt for this wife.  What a huge message and blow for the husband to deliver to her.  Unfortunately, though, I had no way to determine if the husband would stay.  I understood her concern though.  Having this type of commitment to your children is commendable.  But one has to wonder how long this commitment would last once the years started to drag by.  In my opinion, if I were in this situation, I don’t think that I would want to depend upon my husband’s sense of honor or commitment.  Instead, I would want to strengthen my marriage so that I didn’t have to worry about him no longer loving me.  I realize that this probably wouldn’t be an easy or short process.  It would likely take a lot of gradual and hard work.  But I would think it’s better than to face a lifetime of marriage without any love but with lots of doubt and fear.

The wife wasn’t sure if she should inform her husband of any plan to make him fall back in love with her.  That really depends upon how you expect your husband to respond to this information.  If you think that he might tell you not to bother or he may resist your efforts, then you may be better off to just keep this to yourself for a while.

The Roundabout Way To Introduce Your Plan: You can be clear on the fact that you’re trying to make the best of the situation.  You might tell him that you’d like to improve your relationship to at least make the best of what you already have. You don’t have to tell him that you’re secretly hoping that this improvement in your relationship is going to lead to a renewal of a love affair, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t harbor this plan in private while you’re working to make things better.

So a suggested response might be something like: “believe it or not, I do appreciate your being honest with me. And I also appreciate your commitment to our family.  I share that commitment so I want to do everything in my power to make our lives together as satisfying as it can be.  I understand that you don’t believe that you love me anymore, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t have a loving relationship.  Can you pinpoint some of the things that are bothering you about our marriage? Is there anything that you can share about what might have contributed to your changing feelings? Is there anything that I might do to make things better?”

Don’t Overreact To Your Husband’s Response: Your husband may be forthcoming, but it’s probably more likely that he will be slow to communicate because he may not want to hurt you and he may not be able to quantify what caused this shift to take place.  Honestly, you don’t need all the answers in order to make some improvements.  Luckily, you know that woman who he first fell in love with.  In fact, you know her better than anyone else in the world because she is you.  Often, you will need to do some self-work to determine where you might have lost her.  Yes, children, jobs, and day to day life can dull who we are and cause us to lose pieces of ourselves.  The good news is that often, reclaiming the better version of yourself will often pay some dividends for you as well.  (And your husband could likely stand to revisit himself too.)

Try to make this process pleasurable.  You want to reclaim an exciting and vital part of yourself.  You certainly do not want to beat yourself up or allow this to cause you to lose your self-esteem.  Instead, you want to reclaim it.

But to answer the original concern, I have no way to know if the husband will stay forever.  And I’m not sure that I would want that type of marriage.  I wouldn’t want to always know that he was only waiting for the children to become adults before he could be free.  That’s why I think I’d try to take advantage of the fact that he was staying for a while and I’d do everything in my power to return the love.

There was a time when my husband was no longer in love with me.  At first, I tried desperate solutions that were beneath me but this only made things worse.  Eventually, I decided to draw on the woman he fell in love with so many years before.  I tried to make the process fun and engaging.  And my old self didn’t let me down.  Once the love restored, then it was time to work on the marriage.   If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from folks who had initially hoped that a trial separation would help to give them some clarity about their marriage. Often, the hope is that the time apart will allow them to see that perhaps things weren’t so dire. Unfortunately, this clarity doesn’t always come. Sometimes, the separation only provides a continuation of the misery, instead of the reprieve that was desired.

An example of a comment that you might hear in this situation is something like: “both my husband and I were miserable in our marriage. All we did was fight and say mean things to one another. My husband and I have very different personalities. He’s very flamboyant and he likes to be around a lot of people. To put it plainly, my husband loves to be the center of attention and he will often draw attention to himself in a crowd. I am very introverted. I don’t like people noticing me for the most part. I am a home body and I like quiet and calm environments. Being around my husband (especially when we go out) makes me feel anxious. But when I am honest about this, my husband tells me that I need to lighten up and that I am too uptight. Usually after this exchange happens, we say nasty things to one another. Then, to make things right my husband will agree to stay home and spend quiet nights with me, but he will resent it. Or, I might agree to go out with him, but I will feel very uncomfortable. Things finally got so bad between us that I insisted that we separate for a while. I honestly had started to feel as if I couldn’t be myself around my husband. And I hated feeling that way. So I got a small apartment because I just wanted to be alone for a while. I thought that the quiet and calm would be just what I needed. But I’m just as miserable without him. I miss him. And he says that he misses me too. He’s asking me to come back home. I want to. But I also know that once I come home, we’ll fall back into our old patterns and we will be just as miserable together as we are apart. Is there any hope for us?”

Marriages With Spouses With Different Personalities Have Unique Challenges And Some Advantages Too: I believe from my own experience that there is always hope. Spouses with very different personalities can face some challenges in their marriages simply because each person is going to have to step outside of his or her comfort zone. However, the plus side to this is that these types of marriages can be exciting if the couple learns to make the differences work for them rather than against them. And this takes some skill and some compromise.

Learning To Move Away From Old Cycles: I know that this wife was tempted to come home because she missed her husband. But she was also right in her assumption that she and her husband would probably resort back to their old behaviors, simply because they hadn’t done any work whatsoever on their marriage or on how they navigated their problems. So of course when the same old problems came up, so would the same old conflicts and the same old ways of arguing about them. Sometimes, your marriage is only able to withstand so many of these blow ups before one of the spouses checks out of the marriage or starts to believe that, as much as they might miss their spouse, it would better for them to be alone. The reasoning is that it’s better to be lonely in a healthy relationship with yourself than within an unhealthy relationship with someone else.

Moving Toward A More Healthy Relationship: But what would happen if you could make the marriage you have now a healthy relationship? Would you want this? Many people will immediately say that yes, they want a healthy marriage more than anything else and yet they repeat the same old patterns because quite frankly, they have become accustomed to the drama. And when they don’t get it, they get bored, so they shake things up with an argument or two and then they realize that the whole process has made them so empty, tired, and miserable.

In order to end the misery, you have to end this cycle. You have to willing to compromise sometimes, but you also have to be true to yourself if you are truly uncomfortable most of the time. Different personalities are going to have different ways to handle conflict, which means that there is a risk of things never getting resolved. Learning how to compromise and learning how to criticize the situation and not your spouse will often go a long way toward resolving this.

There is a big difference between telling your wife that she is neurotic and uptight instead of telling her that you love having her on your arm when you go out. There’s a big difference between telling your husband that he is starved for attention and makes a spectacle of himself instead of telling him that such extroverted displays make your introverted self very uncomfortable and left feeling judged.

There are ways to say what you mean and to disagree with your spouse while allowing your spouse to still maintain their dignity and to have the input to compromise with you. This is the key to ending the misery. You have to be willing to compromise and you have to be willing to speak up when the compromise isn’t working.

You might suggest a compromise of equal nights out and at home so that neither person feels that they are giving in and then see how that works. Or, you may think long and hard about what really bothers you. Perhaps it’s not going out so much as your husband’s behavior when you do. Perhaps it’s not the wife’s introverted nature that bothers him but the fact that he feels judged. The key is being honest and being flexible and remembering that this your marriage that you are talking about. There is no need to keep score and, where there is love and commitment, then everything else can be negotiated. The fact that you are miserable without him tells me that the love is probably still there.

Learning to manage our conflict was the biggest skill that my husband and I learned during our separation.  I firmly believed that learning this skill allowed us to save our marriage.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from people who are at the point where they’ve been threatened that the only way that their marriage is going to stand a chance is to agree to go to counseling. Often, the frustrated spouse who wants the counseling has asked for this multiple times in many different ways. Usually, one spouse has refused to go and, at least for a while, this worked. However, when nothing changes in the marriage and things continue to deteriorate, this is usually when one spouse can begin to make demands or to play hard ball. It’s not uncommon for a spouse to threaten the other with a separation or divorce unless counseling happens immediately.

You may hear a comment like: “my marriage isn’t what my husband wants. He doesn’t think that I am attentive enough to him and he doesn’t think that we have enough sex or intimacy in our marriage. I think that he is probably overreacting. And I think that he probably expects too much from someone who is juggling a job, child care, being a wife, and running a household. For several months, my husband has pushed me to go with him to counseling. I am not sure what he feels that a counselor can do for us other than to tell me that I need to go ahead and be more attentive to my husband. I have resisted counseling because it’s a lot of money and because I don’t think that we have problems that are insurmountable. It’s not as if we don’t love each other or one of us is cheating. It’s just that my husband wants more from me and is never satisfied. So, I feel that counseling will be an added expense and a waste of time. However, last night my husband told me that my refusing to go to counseling is no longer an option. He said that if I refuse to go, he will move out and initiate a separation that will likely lead to a divorce. He says that he is sick of me not having to do anything in regards to our marriage and he is not going to take this anymore. Where does this leave me? What can I do?”

Honestly, this husband was free to respond in any way that he wanted, as was the wife. I understand resisting counseling. Many folks hate the idea of sitting in a stranger’s office and baring their deepest feelings and fears. I get why this is not anyone’s idea of a good time. However, I have to say that in my experience and opinion, it’s very rare for the husband to be the one to initiate counseling. Many wives who make comments on my blog would jump at the chance to go to counseling with a husband who was actually willing and wanting to be there.

Why I Think You Should Consider Meeting Him Half Way: It’s not unusual for counseling to not be as awful as you anticipated, especially if you take the time to do some research and to find the right one. You can always agree to try this out on a trial basis and then make an evaluation from there. But one thing appears to be clear to me. This husband was more than willing to work on his marriage in order to save it, but he was most definitely losing his patience. That’s a combination that is easily fixed. Much of the time, I hear from people who are desperate to get their spouse to agree to save their marriage. And, in this case, you have a situation where the spouse has literally taken the initiative to seek out counseling. You really can’t ask for more than this.

The fear that the counselor is going to blame you or is going to require for you to be the one to make all of the changes is a very common one. But, it’s my opinion that a good counselor will be balanced. A good counselor makes each party feel as if they conceded a little, but also won a little. A good counselor makes sure both spouses leave the session feeling like they got something worthwhile out of it. Admittedly, sometimes it takes a while to find the counselor who is a good fit, but I think that it is worth the effort. I would suggest being willing to at least try one session just so your spouse sees that you are willing to meet him halfway.

If you don’t feel better or more enthusiastic after one session, then you can always talk to your spouse about
finding another counselor that both of you might like better or you may agree to see out self help that you can both get behind. EIther option can work, as long as you are committed to making real changes in your marriage and moving forward.

Ignoring This Involves Risk: In my view just ignoring this situation or trying to make your spouse feel as if he are asking too much should not be an option. Because if you do that, there’s a real risk in him feeling as if you don’t care enough to make an effort and becoming so frustrated that he leaves or even worse files for divorce.

If you know that you want to save your marriage, then I believe that it’s worth it to do whatever is necessary to make this happen, including counseling or finding some self help that you can both agree upon. To me, the type of help isn’t as important as getting the help that is going to be effective. But when your spouse is making it very clear that he’s no longer going to accept the status quo, then it’s important to pay attention.

I wish I had paid closer attention when my own husband complained about our marriage.  I sort of ignored him and hoped for the best, which was definitely the wrong call because it lead to a separation.  And during that same separation, I would have been thrilled to go to counseling with my husband if he had been willing.  I was able to eventually save my marriage, but not without a lot of heartache first.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from people who don’t quite understand why their spouse wants to file for a divorce. They often firmly believe that there is a still a lot of love between them. In fact, they often believe this so deeply that they force an admission out of their spouse. Still, their spouse admits to still feeling loving feelings, but holds firm to his wish for a divorce.

I might hear a comment like: “about three months ago, my husband mentioned that he wanted a divorce. I will admit that I panicked and I begged him to reconsider. He said that he would wait a little while. For a couple of months, I did everything that I could to make my husband happy. I tried to be upbeat and positive. I tried to make sure that we had a lot of fun. And yet, last night, my husband once again told me that he wanted a divorce. At this point, I demanded to know what was truly wrong. Because I am pretty certain that my husband is very much in love with me. I can tell by the way that he looks at me and the attention that he gives me. At first, my husband didn’t want to discuss this topic. But eventually, he admitted that yes, he is still in love with me, but he said that he wanted a divorce anyway. He said that he feels like being married to me ages and drains him. He says that I always pressure him about making more money and being more successful. He says that I am never satisfied with anything. He says that he doesn’t think that we are truly compatible about what we want out of life. He is content to live simply and I want more. He says that he will always love me, but that he no longer wants to be married to me. I really don’t understand this. If you love someone, shouldn’t you be willing to do whatever is necessary to make sure that things work out? How can I make him understand this?”

Sometimes, He’s Not Evaluating The Love: I intimately understood this wife’s situation. I believe that my husband and I still had a core of love between us, even as we were separated. But my husband didn’t feel that this love was enough. And as a result, he moved out and we were separated and were on the brink of divorce. And frankly, the feelings that we had for one another didn’t matter all that much to my husband at the time. All that he could see was the fact that being married to me was not making him happy. The way that he saw it, once he discarded me and his married life, he would suddenly become a happy, carefree person. I honestly didn’t believe this at the time and I still don’t.

However, after making many mistakes, I finally realized that my husband wasn’t basing his desire to be on his feelings for me. He was basing them on what he perceived his life would be like without me and he was comparing this to how he perceived his future life with me. He honestly believed that his lifestyle and happiness level was going to increase once our marriage ended. So, I had to show him that I could change some key aspects to our relationship so that it would be possible for him to be happier with me than he would be without me.

Working On What Might Change His Mind: This meant that while we were separated, I had to work on some aspects of myself. And that when we were together, I had to gradually work on some aspects of my marriage. These changes had to be gradual so that my husband would believe in them and so that I could maintain them. I hesitate to tell you that love isn’t enough. I do believe this myself. But I can tell you that many husbands who comment on my blog believe that your level of unhappiness can outweigh your level of love in this situation.

A person is only going to stay in a situation that they feel is to their detriment for so long. Your job then, is to show him with your actions instead of your words that you can change the situation so that his is no longer so unhappy. Many wives will make the mistake of trying to fall back on the feelings. They will tell their husband that they know that he still loves them and they are sure that he is going to miss them. This doesn’t work very often because your husband is already well aware of his feelings and he has chosen to act anyway.

Instead, you’ll often have the most success by understanding that while the feelings are still there, the ideal situation is not. It’s best for you to understand what is making him so unhappy and then addressing that. Because if you have both the love and the fulfilling marriage, then he has much less of an incentive to want a separation or a divorce.

As I alluded to, I had to use a very gradual and methodical approach myself.  I had to embrace what was working and I had to discard what wasn’t.  If it helps, you can read more of my story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from people who are very clear (and remorseful) about the fact that the big contributing factor to them separating from their spouse is a lack of trust. Often, one spouse has done something unfortunate and significant enough for the other to lose trust in them, which has led to a marital or trial separation. It can be very challenging to restore that same trust when you are no longer living with your spouse.

I might hear a comment like: “my spouse wanted a separation from me because he no longer trusts me. I will admit that this is all my fault. My husband found out that I had been in contact with an old boyfriend. I actually almost married the guy and he was an important part of my life. He lived down the street from me when I was a child, so my parents know and love him also. Honestly, he’s like a part of my family and this has always really bothered my husband, which I can completely understand. Well, I have been corresponding with the guy and seeing him behind my husband’s back. Once, I went home to visit my mother, but I also saw the other guy too. My husband found texts between us which lead him to figure everything out. Nothing inappropriate happened. I did not cheat on my husband. I admit that it was wrong of me to go behind my husband’s back. But I did not cheat. So fast forward to our separation. I am doing everything in my power to encourage my husband to trust me again. But he seems very resistant to this. Every time I see him, he’ll make a sarcastic comment like he’ll ask me if I’ve been back home to see my boyfriend. I haven’t seen the other guy since my husband found those texts. I broke off all contact with him. I haven’t seen him or spoken with him but my husband refuses to believe this. I have a feeling that restoring the trust would be difficult no matter what. But how do I restore it when he suspects that when I am away from him, I’m running to the other guy?”

A Separation Can Encourage Trust Issues.  You Have To Work Hard To Work Around This: This has the potential to be a difficult situation. There can already be trust issues during your separation. Since you can’t see your spouse as often, you will often wonder what they are doing. And this will sometimes lead you to suspect things that just aren’t true. When you add on some distrust to this already difficult situation, this can make things even worse.

This Is Almost Always A Gradual Process: The key, I think, is to accept a gradual pace and to not expect him to trust you again until enough time has gone by for you to prove your sincerity. Know that while you are waiting for this process to happen and in the meantime, you can just focus on strengthening your relationship.

Restoring trust takes time. There isn’t really isn’t many short cuts. And the reason for this is that your spouse is often watching and waiting to see what your behavior is going to tell them. There is usually a certain amount of time until they are going to be comfortable again. Until enough time has passed, they are always going to have doubts and there is really no way to bypass this.

What To Do In The Meantime: In the meantime though, you need to appear to be as sincere as you can possibly be. Work on your relationship with your spouse regularly. Try to communicate or get together in person as often as possible. (Now, you may have to allow your spouse to set the tone. He may be open to a lot of contact or this may need to increase gradually, depending upon how receptive he already is.) The point is, you’ll want to work very hard on allowing him to see that you are exactly where you are supposed to be, doing exactly what you are supposed to do. The more time you spend with him, the less he will be apt to think that you are doing untrustworthy things with the other man.

Finally, if you can get him to agree to counseling, this might help greatly. A skilled counselor can help you to restore the trust in a way that may help him to get over his doubts a little more quickly. If he’s resistant to counseling, then perhaps a self-help course on restoring the intimacy and trust in your marriage is worth a try.

But to answer the question posed, the best way to restore the trust during a separation is to give your spouse a lot of your sincere attention. Be accountable and conduct yourself as someone who is trustworthy. Try to spend as much time as possible with your spouse. If this isn’t always doable, then at least communicate regularly so that your spouse knows that you are thinking of him and are spending your time on your marriage instead of on someone else.

Granted, it is generally easier to restore the trust once you’re living together once again. However, there is plenty that you can do to show your spouse that he, and your marriage, is your priority.  I had to do this during my own separation.  And yes, it was gradual.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog athttp://isavedmymarriage.com

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