Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: It’s not unusual for a wife to become very frustrated and unsure when she is struggling against the marital separation that only her husband wanted. Often, she starts out trying everything in her power to get him to change his mind about the separation (or at the very least to get him to open up to her.) She will often try this for a reasonably long period of time until she becomes so discouraged that she throws up her hands and backs away for just a bit. She often thinks that all has been lost and that the situation has finally become too much.

Imagine her surprise then, when all of a sudden her husband begins contacting her – usually without a lot of warning. The wife is usually thrilled to hear from him. But she hesitates to show her enthusiasm. Because it isn’t lost on her that this change of attitude from her husband has come only after she essentially “gave up” and stopped reaching out to him. This can leave him wondering how she should proceed.

I might hear from a wife who says: “for six months, I reached out to my husband after he left me. The last thing that I wanted was a divorce. That was the most awful thing that could have happened in my mind. So I kept trying to talk to him. I kept calling. I kept texting. When my husband wouldn’t respond to me, I started calling his mom. Finally, my husband contacted me and told me that I was overdoing it and that I was actually making him less likely to want to see or talk to me. That was a difficult conversation and I felt extremely rejected.  And he continued to pretty much ignore me. I started to feel as if there were no hope for us. Quite honestly, this made me feel very sad and I started to withdrawal. I just stopped trying to make any progress during our separation. As a result, I stopped calling. I stopped trying to reach out to my husband to get his attention. This went on for about three weeks. Then one day my husband called me. At first, I thought that he was only doing this because he felt guilty about our last conversation. So we talked, but I didn’t make very much out of it. I didn’t want to get my hopes up. But then he continued to call. And he has called every day since then. He even jokes around with me now and we laugh. I am not quite sure how to handle this because I had given up. What am I supposed to do now? How do I play this?”

This Is A Promising Situation, But Consider Using At Least Some Restraint: How you play this is ultimately your decision. No one can make it but you. However, as someone who has been through a very similar situation, I can share some realizations that I came away with. I too had almost completely given up on my marriage. I finally left my husband alone. And I too was completely shocked when this seemed to draw him to me. I hear from a lot of women in this situation and, without any doubt, the biggest mistake that people make here is that they move too quickly. They hope that his interest is going to lead to a reconciliation and they suddenly begin to act as if this is a sure thing which is imminent.

But, you have to realize that your husband may still have some doubts. He may just want to gradually begin talking again to see where it leads (without a lot of pressure.) But when you assume that this means a sure reconciliation, this can (and often does) cause a husband to stop calling and to stop reaching out. Often, he would rather pull back than to feel pressure or to risk disappointing you in the future.

Slow And Steady Wins The Race: That is why it’s my opinion that you are often going to fare much better if you continue to take things slow. Let him continue to call you for a while. It’s best if he is the one who initiates face to face meetings, but this would be the next logical step. If a lot of time goes by and he still hasn’t asked to see you, then you might casually see if you wants to meet you for coffee or something else that can be kept very light and casual. You don’t want him to think that you are jumping to conclusions or making assumptions. For now, you just want him to continue to reach out to you.

Understand That He May Still Be Uncertain: It’s important to understand his mind set. Often, when you pull back, this makes him realize that he has pushed you away when that probably isn’t exactly what he wanted. He may have realized that he is not yet ready to say goodbye to you forever, which is great news. But he may also not be entirely clear as to whether or not he’s ready to proceed with more than just talking at this point. So you don’t want to draw a line in the sand and make him chose when he is not ready for that. Instead, you want to continue along at a pace that is comfortable. And you want to build on what you can.

If he is being receptive and jovial, then I would say keep right on doing what you are doing and let him be the one to take it to the next level. There is no need to derail what seems to be working.

This is the strategy that I had to use during my separation.  The slow pace was frustrating sometimes.  But it did eventually work.  And to me, that was all that mattered.  You can read of that story at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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Comments Off on I Stopped Trying And My Husband Started Contacting Me After Separating. How Do I Play It Now?

By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from separated wives who feel as if their husband has all of the control during their marital or trial separation.  They feel as if they are held hostage somewhat by his moods and his wishes.  They want to take back some sense of control because they feel helpless.  But they also do not want to do anything that might jeopardize their chances of an eventual reconciliation.

A wife might explain: “I will admit that in the beginning of my separation, I pestered my husband too much.  I knew that I was making a mistake when I was doing this, but I was only reacting to the stress of the situation.  Now that being on my own is a little less weird, I’ve calmed down a little bit and I have stopped pestering him.   My brother came to visit me and he has a new baby.  I was very thrilled to meet my niece and so I ended up not calling my husband for a couple of weeks.  I was worried about what would happen when we did talk, but honestly it was the best talk we’d had in months.  He told me that he liked it better when there was enough time between our conversations to miss each other and he suggested that I call him again in a couple of weeks.  I hated that so much time had to go by, but I had to admit that I haven’t heard my husband laugh like that and flirt with me for a long time.  So I was willing to pay that price. I counted down the days until our next conversation but then when that two week mark came, my husband did not pick up the phone when I called.  I tried again several times and no luck.  So I asked his brother to go by and check on him because I was worried.  His brother called me back and said that my husband was fine, but he asked his bother to tell me that he wanted to change our talk times to once a month.  Well, now I am furious.  It was hard enough to agree to speak every couple of weeks. Now he’s asking me to call him only once a month.  And it appears that if I try to call him more than this, then he’s simply not going to pick up.  I feel like he is holding all of the cards and calling all of the shots.  I feel like I just have to sit around and wait for him to think that he feels like talking to me.”

Boy, do I know this feeling.  It makes you feel sad, angry, and desperate all at one time.  It’s easy to give into these feelings.  I felt this way for quite a while until I decided that I was tired of feeling so out of control and I didn’t want for it to become a cycle.  I knew that my continuing on in the way that I had been wasn’t going to save my marriage.  And I was resentful at my husband for being so resistant to me.  Sometimes, I wondered who he thought he was – acting as if I was someone to be ignored or avoided.

Then I realized that my anger wasn’t really getting me anywhere, but in order to escape it, I had to – at least for a little while – get away from all of it.  A lot of people have offered me a place in their homes and lots of support and hospitality.  But for the longest time, I had resisted this because I was afraid to turn my attention away from my husband or my marriage. But, do you know what?  It dawned on me that what I was doing – waiting and fretting – wasn’t helping my marriage either.

So I did eventually take those kind people up on their hospitality.  And so I was no longer in close proximity to my husband – at least for a little while.  And that is when something unexpected happened.  When I took control, he wondered why.  For the first time in a very long, he took the initiative to see what I was doing and to show an interest in me.

You might be wondering how this relates to you.  The answer is this.  I probably didn’t even realize at that point that I was taking control.  Honestly, I just wanted an escape or break at that point.  But I was restoring a sense of choices in my life.  I was breaking a cycle.  And this ended up making a huge difference.

How do you take back control?  That’s going to vary depending upon your circumstances. You might decide that you aren’t going to call right on the dot at the month mark and see what happens.  Or maybe you will decide that you are going to go out with your girlfriends or female coworkers at a time and place where you know your husband is going to be at the same place.  Or maybe you’ll be seen out and enjoying yourself by one of your husband’s friends who will mention it to him.

However, you do it, it might make sense to suspect that waiting around and counting days off the calendar aren’t doing much good. And don’t misunderstand me.  I’m not telling you to stop hoping or to ignore the good things that happened the last time you talked.  I’m just suggesting that there is no point in continuing to wait around when you can keep busy and interact with people who love and support you.

Some of the time, when your husband sees that you have made this change, it will help to initiate a little interest because something has changed.  That shouldn’t be your motivation though.  It really is about no longer feeling helpless and restoring a sense that you can and should control your own life. Of course you still want your marriage and of course you will still pursue it.  But there other ways to do that than just waiting and feeling a lack of control.

I don’t want to pretend like I was noble and drew some line into the sand.  My taking control was really my attempt to just escape the painful situation I was in.  It honestly wasn’t that conscious of a decision.  But when I saw the positive results from it, then I continued on in the same way.  And it did make a difference. You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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Comments Off on I Feel Like My Husband Calls All Of The Shots During Our Separation. He Holds All Of The Cards

By: Leslie Cane: Many people picture a married couple as two people who are living together and who are spending most of their waking hours (outside of work, at least) together. But what happens when so much closeness just doesn’t work anymore? Or when too much togetherness actually causes conflict that begins to deteriorate or harm the marriage? And what happens when one spouse proposes that the marriage is never going to make it if they continue living together, so he suggests trying living apart instead?

To demonstrate, here’s a comment from a wife: “I will admit that my husband and I really struggle with our different personalities. He is so introverted and he likes for our home to be very minimalist and very quiet. I think he would enjoy living in a temple to be honest. He just likes a lot of quiet and a lot of order. I am the exact opposite. I don’t care if the house is a mess during the week when I am working. I clean it on Sundays and that is good enough for me. I like to have upbeat music playing. Silence makes me uncomfortable. I hate arguing with my husband about something so menial as our housing, but it has become a big conflict for us. My husband says that there are times when he doesn’t want to leave the sanctuary of his office because he knows that he has to come home to chaos. He says that causes a lot of turmoil in this life and he has considered separating from me or even a divorce. He says that he thinks that the best thing for us to do is to live apart because he can’t stand living with me anymore. I believe that this is just a precursor for us splitting up and I am resistant to this. I have offered to try to change at home but my husband says that this wouldn’t last and it wouldn’t be genuine. He wants to get himself a little minimalist uncluttered apartment and live there most of the time. He envisions us seeing each other daily but sleeping in separate homes. He says that he thinks that this is the only way to stay together. Can this arrangement ever work? Or is he just trying to ease me into splitting up?”

I have actually heard these types of situations quite a few times. Most of the time though, the situation is meant to be temporary. What I mean by this is that the couple has found that they are not getting along living together so they will temporarily live apart in attempt to calm things down and to work out their conflict in a less volatile environment. The idea is almost always that as soon as the conflict is worked out, then they will once again live together and will hopefully be free of what lead them to live separately in the first place.

It is much more rare to see a situation in which there is no expectation that they will live together again, but this doesn’t mean that it can’t or doesn’t happen. I do know one couple who live in separate homes but who spend more quality time together than couples who live under the same roof. The key for them, though, is that both of them are very happy with this situation and they find it preferable to living together.  They both like their individual space. I am not sure it would work as well if one spouse was only going along with it because they felt that they didn’t have any other choice.

My inclination to couples who are getting ready to live under separate roofs is to encourage them to try to come up with alternatives first. Because there is always a risk when someone moves out that the same person will never move back in. Or that the marriage may lose something that it can never get back.

I would suggest trying some alternatives before someone moves out, like having a quiet, sparse room that is only for the husband’s use (so that it stays clean and so he can use it as his save haven) and also allotting some time when both people can be in their comfort zones. Perhaps you set aside on hour for quiet and another that is less stringent. Or, the wife agrees to play her music with headphones. She may just begin doing this without consulting her husband and seeing if this will change his perceptions. It just seems to me that before one person actually makes the very drastic step of moving out, some alternatives should be tried first. Yes, this couple seemed to have very different personalities. But many couples live harmoniously despite this.  The husband may be resistant to this.  But if the wife makes some changes that actually shows him some relief, he may change his mind.

Having said this, I don’t want to give you the impression that I think that living separately to stay together is impossible. I don’t think that it is impossible. But I think that in order for it to work well, both people would need to be at peace with the decision and every effort should be made to spend regular time together so that it still feels like you are married and connected. One important aspect of being married are those shared experiences and that sense of togetherness. You want to be able to foster that no matter where you are living.

I think that whatever solution works for both of you can be fine.  It’s just important to find that happy middle ground where both of you can feel at least somewhat agreeable to it.  Because it’s very important that you are comfortable working together during the separation.  If not, things can get very awkward very quickly.  I know this first hand. If it helps, you can read more about my experiences my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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Comments Off on Living Apart To Stay Together: Is This Actually Feasible? Does It Ever Work?

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from people who feel that their spouse is acting like an entirely different person during their trial or marital separation. Of course, this is very troubling. Not only is concerning and painful to see your spouse transform before your very eyes, but it makes you wonder what this transformation might mean in terms of a possible reconciliation.

To demonstrate, I might hear from a wife who explains: “it was my husband who left our house. After eleven years of marriage (most of which I thought was very happy,) he decided that he wasn’t sure what he wanted out of his life anymore. To be fair about it, I noticed changes in him before he ever moved out. My husband used to be satisfied with the simple pleasures in life. What concerned him most was family, community, and helping others. These things don’t seem to satisfy him anymore. He apparently finds his life boring and he said that he felt as if he were ‘settling’ for less than what he wanted or deserved. As troubling as all of this was, it didn’t prepare me for what I am seeing now. Suddenly, my sensible husband is driving a sports car and staying out all night with much younger friends. The man who could care less what others thought of him seems to think it’s important that his new friends think he’s cool, almost as if he is a teenager. He has also changed the way that he has related to me. He used to be considerate and sweet. Now, he just acts as if I am a burden who annoys him. He is always rushing and it appears to me that he is going out every night. When I mentioned this to him, he snapped at me that this was none of my business and that I needed to ‘get a life’ and stop monitoring his. My husband would have never snapped at me like this before. I told him that I didn’t even know the person that he is anymore. He told me that I was being overly dramatic, but this is honestly the way that I feel. Why is he acting this way? And when will it stop?”

I have some theories on why people seem to go through dramatic personality changes during their separation, which I’ll share below. This is only my opinion, but it is based on my own experience and on things that I have witnessed in other separations.

Dissatisfaction Often Leads To The Separation. And That Same Dissatisfaction Can Cause Your Spouse To Act In A Way That Is Very Strange To You: Much of the time, the spouse who wants the separation is going through a bit of an identity crisis. I hesitate to say this because I don’t want to make it sound as if there is something inherently wrong with a spouse who seeks a separation. But, I do find that people who consider making drastic changes in their lives (like a separation is) are often people who are now reevaluating their lifestyle choices and their place in the world. There is no coincidence that you often see this is mid life – because that is the time when many of us are evaluating the mistakes that we made when we were younger and we’re also thinking about the way that we want to live our lives with the time that we have left.

When people are in this state of searching and evaluating, they will often try on different roles and personalities to see if any of them feels like a better fit than the one in which they have already been living. To use myself as an example, if I was evaluating my life and I decided that I had suffered by playing it safe too much in my life, then you might see me attempting to become much more of a risk taker, which would likely get the attention of those close to me.

This doesn’t mean that I will ultimately decide to change my personality and world view forever. It just means that, for now, I am trying on different ways of acting and seeing things to see if any work better for me.

I know that this is troubling (and likely very annoying) to you. But none of this means that he will ultimately keep any of the behaviors that he is trying out right now. He’s just testing the waters and attempting to see if any of the new behaviors give him any relief or make him any happier.

He may come to realize that they don’t and you may then see him act like his old self again. That is why I think it’s wise to not complain too much about the changes that you are seeing. In my experience, it is not worth the risk of alienating him to point out that he’s acting a little odd. And sometimes, when we express our concerns, our spouses see this as criticism. Or they begin to think that we just don’t understand them or that we don’t want them to be happy if it means they have to change and make us uncomfortable in the process. You don’t want for your husband to have these perceptions. You want for him to think that you support him and that you want him to be happy, even if this means you might see some odd or frustrating behaviors.  It really helps to try to keep busy in your own life.

That’s why my suggestion would be to be patient and to try not to take this personally. You might find that the behaviors will pass and soon enough he will be acting more like the man that you have always known.  To me, it’s not worth the risk to call him out right now.  My husband wasn’t himself during our separation and I chose to deal with this by focusing on myself.  If it helps, you can read more my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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Comments Off on I Feel Like I Don’t Even Know My Husband Any More During Our Trial Separation.

By: Leslie Cane: During a marital separation in which one spouse has left the other, it’s very normal to check for any signs of confusion or hesitation. After all, who doesn’t want to believe that their spouse was never really sure about the separation or about leaving? Of course you want to believe that he has doubts and might come back one day. But what happens if he admits that he’s confused and still is dragging his feet about coming back? What should you do then?

I might hear a comment like: “my husband left me for reasons that he has never really explained. He will generally say that he isn’t really happy. But he doesn’t give any specifics about what has made him unhappy. He basically left me a note saying that he felt he needed time on his own for a while and asked for me to be patient. We have gone out together several times since he has left. For the most part, things are pretty good between us. But every time I ask my husband to come back home, he reminds me that he asked me to have patience. I get that he needed time. But he is crazy if he thinks that I am just going to wait for him endlessly. He says that he is confused about his feelings. He says that he knows that he loves me. But he isn’t one hundred percent sure that he wants to remain married to me. Well, I am not going to grow old and gray waiting for him to decide. I am seriously considering giving him an ultimatum. I feel like telling him that if he doesn’t come home by the end of the month, he may as well not even come home. I am afraid to do this though because the last thing that I want to happen is for him to call me on my bluff and then I’m stuck without a husband. I love him. But I am very hurt that he is doubting his commitment to me. What should I do?”

I know from experience that the hardest thing in the world is to continue to give a separated husband space when you want nothing more than for him to come home as soon as possible. I know. Because I have been in this situation. I also understand why you want to hurry things along. But I must tell you that you are absolutely right in your perceptions that there is risk here.

It is not unheard of for husbands given this type of ultimatum to not only not return home, but to file for divorce. I won’t tell you that separated husbands don’t occasionally give into such ultimatums. But those that do aren’t very happy about it. And this can lead to resentment that could rear it’s ugly head down the road and harm or derail your reconciliation.

From my own experience, I believe that the best strategy here is to continue to give him the space he’s asked for. HOWEVER, by no means do I feel that you need to put your life on hold while you are doing this. You can still enjoy your husband’s company when you are together. But since you have additional time on your hands, you can keep yourself busy with things that you like to do. I know that this is sometimes a huge challenge. I had to literally force myself to keep busy when I was separated. But nothing attracted my husband back to me more effectively.

I know that having patience can be difficult and can even seem like a risk. But in my view and experience, an ultimatum is a much bigger risk that can lead you to add anger to a situation that is already difficult. Why would you want to risk that when things are going well between you? By having patience, you are slowly building upon the success that you have already had and you are going to make it more likely that your husband is willing to go along with the process instead of starting to pull away.

Sure, you can flirt with him and try to see even more of him so that he just naturally wants to come back a little earlier. But you certainly don’t want to threaten or attempt to manipulate him. Very few people enjoy being treated this way, especially with a marriage that has already caused a bit of confusion. I know that continuing to wait might be the last thing that you want to do. But honestly, as long as you are waiting while he is receptive to you, then you are still in the game. You still have a chance to reconcile and get him home.

If you give him an ultimatum and he rejects it, then you’ve put yourself in situation where you are potentially no longer still in the game. And still having a chance is always half the battle.  If it helps,  you can read more about how I handled this situation on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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Comments Off on My Husband Left But Is Confused. Should I Give Him An Ultimatum?

By: Leslie Cane: It’s not uncommon for me to hear from people who have discovered that their marriage hasn’t turned out how they thought that it would. Many see this as a negative thing because they perceive that their spouse is falling short in some way. And many feel as if their spouse isn’t meeting his or her end of the marital bargain.

An example of a comment that you’d hear in this situation is something like: “when my husband and I got married, we both said the traditional wedding vows. We promised to love, honor, and cherish one another. I feel like I have done exactly that. But my husband hasn’t. I don’t doubt his love for me. I know that he loves me. We have been together for a long time and we have gone through some very dark times together. If he didn’t want to be with me, then he wouldn’t be. But he certainly doesn’t honor and cherish me. He treats his friends and coworkers better than he treats me. He often forgets promises that he made to me or he will fall just short of fulfilling them. It’s almost as if he doesn’t want me to have any real expectations of him. He never compliments me or notices me. I have asked him to be more loving toward me, but he acts as if I am a nuisance for even asking such a thing. One of my best friends is going through an awful illness. And her husband has cared for her so wonderfully. I know that if I got sick, my husband would not do the same. He’s happy to let me care for him. But he would never care for me. My father treated my mother like a queen for their entire marriage. I guess I expected something similar, but my husband treats me like someone who he is stuck with but doesn’t particularly like. How can I make him see that he made a commitment to this marriage and that he is not meeting it, but that he should?”

I can really sympathize with this because I believe that everyone has felt this way at some point in their marriage. People often do not realize that just the small effort of making your spouse feel heard, noticed, and valued can completely transform your marriage. These are such small things to ask, but they can yield such huge benefits.

Why He Likely Isn’t Being Malicious Or Intentionally Unloving: So why don’t we all just naturally do this if it so very beneficial? Unfortunately, it is human nature to take those we love for granted. And this is even more likely with husbands since men just aren’t very naturally demonstrative when it comes to showing their love. Many times, men assume that if they provide for us and are in a long term marriage with us, then we should know that they love us and are committed to us, at least in their mind anyway.

They may even think that they are doing a good job at their marriage, so when we tell them that we need more, they see this as a criticism or they think that we are asking too much. That’s why you need to understand that trying to shame or force him into treating you better isn’t likely to work. What works best is when you inspire him to want to do better and then allow him to think that this is his own idea.

How To Approach This In An Underhanded, But Effective, Way: Instead of complaining that he hasn’t lived up to your expectations or focusing on where he is falling short, wait for him to do something right and then pounce. And by pounce, I mean to praise. Positive feedback can work almost like magic. Many wives tell me that in this situation, they would be waiting forever for positive behaviors because at this point, they are never going to catch their husbands doing something good. If that is the case, you may have to borrow something from your past.

For example, you might say something like: “remember when you surprised me with that wooden carving that you made me on our second anniversary? That touched me so much because although we didn’t have any money at that point in our marriage, you still took your time and your effort to show me how much our marriage and our anniversary meant to you. I miss those days. Sometimes, I think it’s so easy to take one another for granted. Maybe we could both do a little better when it comes to showing each other honor and appreciation.”

If he’s still not taking the hint, then show him the kindness that you would like to see. I know that this might seem unfair, but often if you lead the way, then he will follow. And when he does, you want to let him know that you notice it. You want to keep up with that positive feedback while he keeps right on showing you the behavior that you want to see.

I know that you feel as if he hasn’t lived up to his commitment. But quite frankly, men and women can see the definition of ‘commitment’ as very different. I think it was possible that this husband truly doesn’t completely understand how unhappy and frustrated his wife was. But if she comes right out and says things like “you’ve let me down. You prefer your friends over me. You haven’t lived up to our marriage vows,” then he may well feel attacked and you may get even less of the behavior that you are looking for.

But if you can inspire him to meet his commitments, even just a little, and then praise him for doing this, he is going to be much more likely that he wants to repeat this.

It is important that you handle this carefully.  You deserve better.  But if he feels attacked, then things could actually seem worse.  Try to handle this in as positively as you can.  I learned the hard way that a husband who feels attacked or criticized may take negative action.  If it helps,  you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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Comments Off on My Husband Puts His Friends Ahead Of Me. He Does Not Fully Meet His Commitments To Me Or Honor Our Marriage Vows

By: Leslie Cane: Often, when you are separated, you would give almost anything to hear your spouse say that leaving you was a mistake. Because the hope is that once this realization sets in, he will eventually make his way back home so that all can eventually be well once again.

But this isn’t always what happens. Sometimes, you are lucky enough or skilled enough to finally get that admission that he regrets leaving. But it doesn’t seem to matter. Because despite this long awaited admission, he still won’t commit to coming back.

I might hear from a wife who explains it this way: “when my husband left me, I knew that he was being an impulsive jerk. I was going through a very stressful time at school and work and I therefore could not be as attentive and present as was normal for me. To his credit, he did tell me that he was feeling neglected and that my new schedule was becoming a real problem. But I honestly thought that because we were married and because he was an adult, he would adjust and have patience. Well, he didn’t. He said my schedule made it feel as if he was single anyway and he moved out. He stayed with his brother for about three weeks and then he decided that he was going to go and stay with his parents who live eight hours away in another state. I was devastated. But I was also at a point in my life where I couldn’t chase him, which I feel is what he wanted. I couldn’t just abandon my job where I just got a promotion. And I was coming up on final exams. I called. I emailed. I texted. But it apparently wasn’t good enough. He has been gone for four months. Last week, his brother called me and said that my husband was coming for a visit. So I made sure to drop by his brother’s while he was home. They never invited me in, but we did walk around the neighborhood for hours. We talked about everything under the sun. Finally, I told him that if we could talk this well, it was silly for him to leave. If we could have just talked, then perhaps this hurt could have been avoided. It was at that point that my husband actually admitted that he regretted leaving. He said that it was a mistake and that he wished that he had talked before he took action. I actually got very excited at that point and said that if it was a mistake that he regretted, then why couldn’t he just come home? He informed me that he wasn’t coming back at this point and said that his father needed him. I don’t understand why he would tell me that leaving was a mistake only to take away my hopes by announcing that he isn’t coming back anyway. How cruel is that?”

This is only my opinion, and I certainly don’t know this husband or what he might be thinking, but I’m not sure that he was saying this to be hurtful. He may just not be ready to abruptly come home when he perceives that his father needs him. This is both admirable and understandable. And, it doesn’t have to be final. Just because he isn’t coming home immediately doesn’t mean that he will never come home.

Look at it this way. You have made a wonderful start and you have hopefully opened up additional possibilities for communications in the future. His brother obviously lives close by so he may well be coming back in the very near future. In the meantime, because you communicated so well, who is to say that you won’t start communicating by phone, text, and email? Start slowly with this but know that communicating while you’re not together can actually greatly strengthen and improve your relationship because you are forced to go slowly and to just listen. I know that this can sound like a painfully slow time frame. But frankly, sometimes it works out for the best.

Going slowly and gradually usually gives you a much greater chance that once you do reconcile, then you will have a much stronger foundation and your relationship can withstand the trials like a stressful and busy work and school schedule. Plus, learning to communicate more effectively will mean that he will be more likely to come to you first before just taking sudden and unfortunate action like moving out at the first sign of trouble.

I know from experience that you want him to come home. I know that this is disappointing. But try to see it this way. He may not be coming home this minute. But you have laid a new foundation that might pave the way to eventually getting him home in the future. And this new foundation might ensure that once he does come home, it will be for good.  If it helps,  you can read more about how I handled this same situation until my husband finally came home on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: It’s not unusual to be separated and to have your spouse act in very conflicting and confusing ways. One day they can be very loving or receptive toward you and the next day they might be downright distant and cold. This can be very discouraging, especially if you never wanted the separation in the first place. And it can leave you unsure as to how to act around him, since you are never really sure which version of him you are going to get.

I might hear from a wife who says: “my husband was determined to separate from me even though I did everything in my power to convince him otherwise. I really didn’t have any choice in agreeing to separate. He was going to leave either way. So, I have tried to make the best of it while trying to stay as close to him as I can. I call him every day. I know that this probably isn’t the best idea so I try to keep our conversations short. Some days, he is sweet to me. A couple of days ago, he just showed up out of the blue and said that he wanted to see me. Of course, I got my hopes up that this was good sign, but then the next day when I called him, he was very cold and abrupt and he got off the phone very quickly. Then about three days later, he was somewhat sweet again. I can never figure out why he acts one way one day and then in the completely opposite day the next. There doesn’t seem to be anything that has happened to make things change between us. Another thing he will do is that he will change the way that he talks about our future from one day to the next. For example, recently, he actually discussed one day vacationing to Europe with me. So I took this to mean that we might one day reconcile. But then a few days later when I mentioned retirement, he told me that neither of us knew if we would even be together at our retirement. I understand that we are separated and nothing is guaranteed. But things would be much easier for me if he wasn’t always changing his attitude toward me. It’s hard to prepare myself for what might happen when it always changes. Why would my husband be acting this way? And how should I handle it?”

I know that this is very frustrating and it might make you feel as if you are living in a world where you can’t count on anything. But this is a very common situation during a separation. I will discuss some reasons why you might be seeing this behavior. And I’ll offer suggestions on how you might handle it.

Your Husband May Be Struggling As Much As You Are: People often assume that the spouse who wants the separation is extremely sure about this and firm in his decision. The assumption is often that he is going to enjoy his freedom and feel a huge sense of relief once the separation actually starts. And, he may assume this also. But, this isn’t always the reality. He find himself struggling emotionally. He may suffer from extreme loneliness, doubt, and uncertainty as to whether or not he has done the right thing.

And, when he sees or talks to you, this may intensify his struggles. Sometimes, this frustrates him. And because he feels vulnerable and is feeling negative emotions, then he may distance himself from you soon after these feelings surface because he doesn’t enjoy feeling this way and he is hoping that the distance is going to bring him some relief.

So What Can You Do About This?: I know that this is frustrating. But look at it this way. His uncertainty can actually be a good sign. At least he’s not one hundred percent certain that he wants a divorce (because I hear from a lot of folks who are dealing with this reality.) It is my experience that the worst thing that you can do in this situation is to point out where his behavior is unfair or selfish. It may well be both of these things, but I believe that you will often get more better results if you approach him with the knowledge that he is someone who is confused or who is struggling rather than someone who is being manipulative or cruel. Try to understand that he is not intentionally trying to confuse you. He is just reacting to his own confusion, which is likely just as frustrating to him as it is to you.

So how do you help him to overcome his confusion? You can be receptive when the situation calls for it and then try not to take things too personally if he is abruptly cold or distant. Many wives are tempted to “call him on his behavior.” In other words, when he is distant, the wife will sometimes demand to know why or she will tell him that he’s being a jerk since he is hurting her so badly. While this understandable, all that this strategy usually does is to make him stay away even more since in his own mind, he just doesn’t need the hassle.

Instead, you want to try to be patient and understanding. If he is particularly distant one day, just busy yourself with other things and wait until he is receptive again. If he’s nice and loving one day, then be very pleasant and make sure that the encounter is something that he wants to repeat. The idea is that as you are patient, playful, and kind, he will eventually want to be receptive more of the time. As this happens, you should gradually see him distancing himself far less often until things are back on track between you. It’s a simple strategy of trying to set up so that you have far more good days than bad days until eventually you don’t have any more bad days at all until a reconciliation happens.

My husband and I went back and forth like this for part of our separation.  And, sometimes it got me down.  But I learned not to take it so personally.  I embraced the good days and busied myself during the bad ones.  It wasn’t always easy.  But it worked.  If it helps,  you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Often, when your husband leaves you because he is going through a mid life crisis, you can’t see very far beyond this. In other words, your main goal is just getting him to come back home, so you rarely think about what happens in the long term after he finally arrives home. It’s rare to think about how you are going to begin repairing the anger, the misunderstandings, and the discontent. But when you finally go get him home, then this is exactly what you have to attempt to do. And it can come as a bit of a shock.

I often hear from wives who say things like: “my husband left me close to his 50th birthday. It was a classic mid life crisis. He suddenly didn’t want any responsibilities and he wanted his freedom. Having a good time was his main criteria. I honestly was afraid that he was going to divorce me, especially because our children are older. However, they are not so old that my husband would not have to pay child support. And I honestly think that this is a big reason that he came home. I think he went to an attorney and saw how big of a financial hit he would take in exchange for his freedom. So one day last week, he just showed up and said that he was coming home as though I were supposed to be thrilled. Truthfully, I am glad that he has come home. I missed him. I didn’t want to end my marriage. But now, things are really strained between us. Yes, he is here. But he’s not really here emotionally. I get a clear vibe that he’s only here because he feels that he has to be. We rarely talk. And he is very distant. I’m afraid to push him because I don’t want to fight. But this doesn’t feel like a real marriage at all. I told myself that if he would just come home, then I wouldn’t complain about anything, but I am not happy with the way that things are going. He still seems like he doesn’t want to accept his responsibilities. He still wants to go out all of the time and shed his responsibilities. This marriage seems like a sham and I feel as if we are doing something wrong. What is supposed to happen with your marriage when your husband comes home from a mid life crisis?”

Making Sure There Aren’t Straggling Issues: I get a lot of correspondence about this. I find that it’s common for people to hope that once they pass the hurdle of getting him home, then the rest is going to take care of itself. This doesn’t always happen. Because think about it for a second, if you don’t address what caused him to leave in the first place, then those problems are going to follow him back home. They must eventually be addressed or you’re going to be dealing with (and struggling with) them until they are either dealt with or they continue to cause trouble.

Determining How Your Husband Is Approaching This: Sometimes, the husband comes to realize that he acted too dramatically. He may decide that although he still wants to add some excitement into his life, he doesn’t need to discard those things that he really cares about in order to do this. This situation shows a lot of promise because the husband has realized that he was mistaken and is usually willing to make some concessions.

But in the above scenario, the husband hadn’t realized that he was wrong. He had merely conceded to come home but he is still putting off the impression that he wasn’t happy or content within his marriage. In this case, I would suggest seeking professional help. Now, you don’t want to suggest that he needs to go to counseling to get himself together because something is wrong with him or because of his mid life crisis. Few people are going to agree under those circumstances. Instead, you want to suggest going jointly so that you can both be more happy.

Convincing Him That Just Coexisting Isn’t Enough For Either Of You: I’d suggest a conversation that goes something like this: “I truly am glad that you’ve come back home. You know that. I never wanted to end our marriage and I still don’t. But I’m a little discouraged with how things have been going between us since you’ve been home. It’s seem that we aren’t connecting or communicating very well. I understand that you want to make some changes in your life and I support that. But there has to be a way for you thrive personally while our marriage also thrives. I’m willing to get professional help in order to make that happen. Our marriage is too important to me than to watch it continue to struggle while we do nothing. Are you willing to work with me to make this happen? I’m not asking you to compromise on living your best life. I’m just asking you to work with me to improve our marriage so that we are both as happy as possible with it.”

Note that he may not agree to this immediately. And he may be willing to work on the marriage, but not willing to go to counseling. If this is the case, try not to push at first. There are some decent self help resources that can help to guide you along the process. But, the worst thing that you can do is nothing. Don’t just sit there continuing to be unhappy and hoping that things will change when they may not. The longer that you are both dissatisfied, the more likely it will be that he will think that he can’t live his best life while remaining married. Try very hard to work through the issues, but try to schedule time for fun also. It’s vital that he learns that he can live the fun, low pressure lifestyle he craves while still being married.

It can take some finesse to get things moving forward once a husband returns home.  Of course, the hope is that your relief and your love will carry you forward.  But, this doesn’t always happen.  I worked very hard to make sure that my husband didn’t want to leave again once I finally got him home.  And for the most part, it worked.  If it helps,  you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: It’s not uncommon for the way that you relate to your spouse to change over the years. After you have been together for a while, you might not be as loving or as demonstrative as you once were. This doesn’t mean that you don’t love your spouse. It just means that the intensity of your demonstrations can change with time. However, not being in harmony with one another and not being able to get along is a separate issue and one that isn’t so normal.

This might start innocently at first. You may notice that you are disagreeing more than you used to. You might also notice that when disagreements happen, the fall out lasts for much longer. Whereas you used to just make up quickly and move on, now you disagree and it lasts for hours or even days where both people sulk and still feel resentments when it should long be over.

I might get a comment like: “I really need to figure out how to get along better with my spouse. We are really struggling. The weird thing is, we used to get along so well. We never fought when we first got married. But now the things that I used to love so much about him bug me. For example, my father was always very angry and aggressive. So I actually loved that my husband was so laid back and gentle. This was a huge plus for me. But now I almost see him as wimpy. I now notice that he backs away from problems and leaves me to handle everything. I resent this a little. And when I bring this up, he sees it as nagging. He says that I always want to point out his flaws. It seems that we are more quick to bring up the other’s faults. And little things now turn into huge arguments. We really don’t talk as much anymore. And I notice that he doesn’t hug and kiss me as much, which I suspect is the direct result of our inability to get along. How do I get along better with him? I try to think before I speak but I find the words just toppling out because he annoys me lately.”

This is such a common problem. We live in stressful times where family is not lifted up as much as it used to be. So, it’s unfortunately quite common for all of us to take our frustrations out on the person who is closest to us. And, for most of us, that person is our spouse. Also, as this wife said, we begin to look at the things that we used to like about our spouse as not so great anymore. Because we have become so used to it over time.

I’m certainly not a therapist, but I have had to learn to get along well with my husband. We separated once. And when we reconciled, I was determined to learn the skills necessary to allow us to live happily with one another. I figured that life was just too short, and marriage was just too precious and sweet, to continue to argue about silly little things. So I set out to do whatever I could to ensure that we got along better. Because I had learned first hand what picking at each other could do to our marriage. Here are the things that helped me the most.

Try Not To Take Anything Personally And See Things From Your Spouse’s Point Of View: So often, our spouse is simply reacting to a bad day, an unfortunate situation, or an unkindness from someone else. So, he may come home and snap at us and we assume that he’s so disrespectful and spiteful. But really, he’s reacting to something that doesn’t have anything to do with you. Does this mean that it was fair for him to snap at you? No. But if you react in kind, things are going to get worse. Accept the fact that his mood may not have anything to do with you and that you don’t have to take responsibility for it. I have learned to back away and give my spouse a little time. This almost always works.

Another thing that works well is to really try to see things from your spouse’s point of view. Once, my husband and I fought about a member of his family. No matter what this family member did to us, my husband wouldn’t stand up for me and he would just always chose to ignore the situation. This made me furious until I asked myself how I would react if my husband was expecting me to turn on my own family, as I was asking of him. Yes, his sister had wronged us. But she was his sister. It was his family. He was hurt. And he was reacting to the same. Sometimes, if you can see your spouse as someone who is hurt or scared, this really helps.

Don’t Expect For Your Spouse To Be Responsible For Your Happiness: This is hugely important. And a very good therapist helped me to understand that until I learned to be content with myself and to take responsibility for my own happiness, then I was never going to have relationships that were as sound as they could possibly be. So much of the time, we blame our spouse for things that have nothing to do with them. When we have a bad day or we feel disappointed for some reason, it is so easy to play the victim. I used to do this all of the time. I used to think that my husband didn’t care or he didn’t understand me. This only distanced us from one another.

Now, when I have a bad day, I know that it is up to me to handle it. Almost always, I have found that if I take half an hour to myself and I do yoga, it improves my situation. I can then interact with my husband in a positive way, I feel relief from my mood and my day and I have strengthened my marriage rather than weakened it. This very subtle shift where you understand that you are going to make yourself happy and that your spouse is just along for the ride because you want him there.  It can truly transform your marriage.  Because this shift stops the blame. It stops the disappointment. It stops the engagement.

See Your Spouse As Someone You Want To Share The Fun With: So many of us see our spouse as the person who is supposed to share our burdens and worries. Your spouse can and should do that. But if you rely on your spouse to be your sole emotional support and sounding board, then you set up a culture where you and your spouse are expecting to feel down and miserable with each other.

It’s so important to break this habit. Your spouse should anticipate being able to relax and have fun with you. Try very hard to schedule fun with your spouse at least once per week. This too can transform your marriage. As may already be obvious, I learned these tips through personal experience.  Because if I hadn’t learned how to get along better, I may be divorced today.  If it helps,  you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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