Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Often, when you are separated, you would give almost anything to hear your spouse say that leaving you was a mistake. Because the hope is that once this realization sets in, he will eventually make his way back home so that all can eventually be well once again.

But this isn’t always what happens. Sometimes, you are lucky enough or skilled enough to finally get that admission that he regrets leaving. But it doesn’t seem to matter. Because despite this long awaited admission, he still won’t commit to coming back.

I might hear from a wife who explains it this way: “when my husband left me, I knew that he was being an impulsive jerk. I was going through a very stressful time at school and work and I therefore could not be as attentive and present as was normal for me. To his credit, he did tell me that he was feeling neglected and that my new schedule was becoming a real problem. But I honestly thought that because we were married and because he was an adult, he would adjust and have patience. Well, he didn’t. He said my schedule made it feel as if he was single anyway and he moved out. He stayed with his brother for about three weeks and then he decided that he was going to go and stay with his parents who live eight hours away in another state. I was devastated. But I was also at a point in my life where I couldn’t chase him, which I feel is what he wanted. I couldn’t just abandon my job where I just got a promotion. And I was coming up on final exams. I called. I emailed. I texted. But it apparently wasn’t good enough. He has been gone for four months. Last week, his brother called me and said that my husband was coming for a visit. So I made sure to drop by his brother’s while he was home. They never invited me in, but we did walk around the neighborhood for hours. We talked about everything under the sun. Finally, I told him that if we could talk this well, it was silly for him to leave. If we could have just talked, then perhaps this hurt could have been avoided. It was at that point that my husband actually admitted that he regretted leaving. He said that it was a mistake and that he wished that he had talked before he took action. I actually got very excited at that point and said that if it was a mistake that he regretted, then why couldn’t he just come home? He informed me that he wasn’t coming back at this point and said that his father needed him. I don’t understand why he would tell me that leaving was a mistake only to take away my hopes by announcing that he isn’t coming back anyway. How cruel is that?”

This is only my opinion, and I certainly don’t know this husband or what he might be thinking, but I’m not sure that he was saying this to be hurtful. He may just not be ready to abruptly come home when he perceives that his father needs him. This is both admirable and understandable. And, it doesn’t have to be final. Just because he isn’t coming home immediately doesn’t mean that he will never come home.

Look at it this way. You have made a wonderful start and you have hopefully opened up additional possibilities for communications in the future. His brother obviously lives close by so he may well be coming back in the very near future. In the meantime, because you communicated so well, who is to say that you won’t start communicating by phone, text, and email? Start slowly with this but know that communicating while you’re not together can actually greatly strengthen and improve your relationship because you are forced to go slowly and to just listen. I know that this can sound like a painfully slow time frame. But frankly, sometimes it works out for the best.

Going slowly and gradually usually gives you a much greater chance that once you do reconcile, then you will have a much stronger foundation and your relationship can withstand the trials like a stressful and busy work and school schedule. Plus, learning to communicate more effectively will mean that he will be more likely to come to you first before just taking sudden and unfortunate action like moving out at the first sign of trouble.

I know from experience that you want him to come home. I know that this is disappointing. But try to see it this way. He may not be coming home this minute. But you have laid a new foundation that might pave the way to eventually getting him home in the future. And this new foundation might ensure that once he does come home, it will be for good.  If it helps,  you can read more about how I handled this same situation until my husband finally came home on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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