Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many wives are happy that their husband is coming over regularly while they are separated. But, the wives sometimes can’t help but wonder if the husband is only coming over to see the children instead of being motivated by seeing them.

A wife might say, in part: “my husband has been coming by every Wednesday night and on weekends since we’ve been separated. We’ve been getting along well, but part of me can’t help but wonder if he’s only coming over to see his kids. He does interact with me when he is here and things seem to pretty easy between us. I’m glad he wants to see his children and is so involved in their lives. But, I hope it’s not too selfish that I also want him to be coming over to see me. How do I know if that’s the case? Should I just ask him? Or do I just wait and see what happens?”

I didn’t think that this wife was being selfish, but I also suspected that just coming out and asking him why he was coming over might carry some risks. Unless you are in a situation where the two of you are very open and comfortable with one another (even during the separation,) then the concern would be that if he’s not ready for this question, he might give you an undesirable answer, or, worse, he may stop coming over quite as often.

Men don’t always know the exact motivation behind their actions. He may not have sat down and thought about or defined why he is acting as he is and being asked to do so might be a bit of a turn off for him. Or, he might misunderstand you and think that you’re questioning his motivations because you aren’t sure that you want him coming around so much if his intentions aren’t to your liking. So, I think there are some better alternatives to flat out asking him why he’s coming over during the separation, which I’ll discuss now.

Offer To Allow Him To Spend Time With The Kids Without Your Presence And See How He Reacts: One suggestion would be that the next time your husband comes over the house, you might consider saying something to the effect of: “I know that you’re here to see the kids, so I’m going to get out of here so that you guys can spend some time alone together.” This gives your husband the perfect opportunity to clarify and tell you that he is also there to see or spend time with you. If you don’t get the response that you were hoping for, try again a second time later on and see if your husband doesn’t ask you to stay or doesn’t ask to spend more time with you at another time to compensate.  One more tactic would be to just ask him if he wants to spend time alone with the kids or if he’d like to interact with them somewhere other than at your home. Again, this is giving him a chance to clarify without your coming right out and being too direct.

What Happens If You’ve Tried Different Things And You’re Starting To Think He’s Only There To See The Kids?: Sometimes, wives try the above and find that the husband isn’t all that receptive or doesn’t ask them to stay. And often, as a result, the wife panics and thinks that the husband has no interest in seeing her and therefore worries that the separation is only making things worse or is the first step to a divorce.

I would caution you against doing this. Although he may initially be there to see the kids, that doesn’t mean that you can’t have a positive attitude and hope that you make a little bit of improvement each time so that eventually, he is there to see both the kids and you. Sometimes when you are separated, you have to accept small victories and gradual progress. Much of the time, your husband isn’t absolutely sure what he wants. He may know that he enjoys seeing the kids, but he isn’t thinking very hard about the reasons behind the visits. He may not know what his motivations are. And this can be OK.

Because things in this scenarios were going well, I’d encourage the wife to worry more about being sure that they were continuing to go well rather than forcing the husband to define his exact motivations when he may not understand them all that much himself. If he is mostly coming to see the kids, don’t see this as a defeat. Be glad that he’s involved in their lives and know that this gives you an advantage. Not all wives have regular access to their separated husbands. And this most definitely gives you a foundation on which to rebuild.

I had to use a very gradual process when my husband and I were separated.  I saw each interaction as an opportunity to set up the next one.  And I kept things up this way until eventually my husband took the lead and began to initiate more interaction.  This was the beginning of our reconciliation.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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