Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many separated wives find effective communication to be one of the most challenging aspects of the trial separation. Often, the wife may believe that the words are being sincerely expressed from the heart, but somehow, the overall message comes out completely wrong. Or, her husband reads her intention incorrectly and an argument follows. She may try to explain herself, but this only makes things worse. Voices are raised. Doors are slammed. She stops talking, but she still wants her husband to understand her. So she thinks about how she might successfully get him to understand exactly what she is attempting to say. She wonders if email may be a viable alternative.

She might say, “every time I actually try to talk to my husband face-to-face, something goes wrong. No matter how calm I remain or how many times I re-state my case, he seems to think that I am disagreeing with him. I’m not. Usually, I am trying to clarify what I mean. Last weekend was the perfect example. I asked him what he wanted me to do about the winter preparation for our home. We do this every year. Sometimes, my husband does this chore himself and other times, he hires someone.  Obviously, I am the only one living in the house right now and I can’t complete this task on my own.  I did not want to hire someone before I discussed it with him first, but when I approached him about it, he became angry and accused me of trying to make him feel guilty. This was not the case. Things got heated and he stormed off. I want to continue with this conversation and with so much more. I have thought about texting him. But there is so much more to say than what a text could convey. His phone breaks up texts, so I was considering email. Would this work?”

I can’t see into the future, but in my own experience, there are pros and cons to email. Honestly, I think that face-to-face communication is the best case scenario because it forces you to fine tune your communication skills and it means that you will regularly see your spouse – both of which can be important for reconciliation or at least for a healthy separation. However, as you have seen, effective face-to-face communication is not always possible. That is where written communication can work. But before I go into how to use it effectively, I want you to consider the cons of it.

The Cons Of Written Communications Like Email During A Trial Or Marital Separation: The biggest disadvantage to written communication is that your words can be interpreted incorrectly and you aren’t there to explain or to make corrections. When I attempted to text and email my husband, he often assumed that I was being sarcastic when I was not. I would sometimes expect to get an apology from him when he would instead demand an apology from me because he read my words as snippy or sarcastic when my intentions were the opposite. You can try to get around this by anticipating what your spouse may misinterpret and to literally write, “I mean this sincerely.” However, sometimes your guess may be wrong. I also had attorney friends warn me about putting any issues that might be important in a divorce into written form (like an email.)  Because this might be documentation that my husband would use against me. I was determined that I would not be getting divorced, so I didn’t worry too much about this, but it is worth mentioning.

Tips For Sending Effective Emails During A Separation: I think that the most important thing to remember is to keep it short and to the point. I know that it is tempting to begin talking about winterizing the house and then to drift into a long lament of how sad you are that you can’t communicate right now, etc. But save that until things improve a little bit. You don’t want for your husband to stop reading and then to be reluctant to read your email the next time. Also, don’t substitute email for meeting in person. This is not a precedent that you want to start. I would try something like, “I would like to clarify what I meant about the house during our last conversation. I only wanted to determine how you wanted me to proceed. I apologize if I was not clear. Please clarify how I should move forward. If you like, we can talk about this in person on ________.” (Insert the next time you are going to meet.)

In this way, you are still trying to meet regularly and you have limited the topic to what really needs to be said. If you have success this way, you can try again and perhaps say a little more the next time. But it’s best to keep things very short and simple at first.

So yes, I do think that emails have their place, but you shouldn’t replace regular (and potentially difficult) conversations with them. Sometimes though, you need to clarify a topic where regular communication has not worked. In that case, be very deliberate and short. Then follow up with vocal communication. If done correctly, this should make things better instead of worse.

If you’re repeatedly struggling to communicate, be careful to keep topics light and easy right now. Don’t bring up something that you know will cause strife. In the beginning stages of separation, you really only want to worry about having positive interactions that build on one another. A very common mistake is trying to have deep conversations or trying to cure your marriage right away.  Your relationship is too fragile for that initially. Wait until your marriage can withstand this. Go easily and slowly. Try for very small victories.

I know that this slower pace can seem to be a let down when you’re lonely and frightened, but when your husband is so quick to misinterpret you, then you need to settle for slow and steady rather than pushy and assertive. The reason is that your husband will view this as pressure and may start to try to block your attempts at communication. When this happens, things can become much more difficult for you. Right now, you still have access to him so be careful not to lose it. I know this from a difficult experience. My husband avoided me when I pushed and I had to work twice as hard to gain access again.  I did eventually save my marriage, but not before I made a huge mess.  You can read more at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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